Thursday, May 27, 2010

Boring White Guy FTW!!! (AKA: The Death of American Idol)

Once upon a time, American Idol was something that was actually pretty interesting. Granted the only episodes I watched were the first few of the seasons where they separate the talented from the people who sound like they're gargling razor blades when they sing and I only watch those for a little confidence boost.


I don't know what he's thinking but I know it isn't healthy


However like the rest of the world in 2002, I watched as Kelly Clarkson became the first Idol winner and actually went on to sell albums, win awards and be recognised in public a year later. But it seemed that the more the show went on, the less popular the contestants would get once the season had ended. It was like the public was saying, "So happy you won. Bored now. Later." Plus, how often was it where the singer who came in second turned out being more popular than the winner?

"Hey, hey hey, I'm the guy who beat Clay...and are you gonna finish that cake?"


Plus, how repetitive did the shows get? They'd have a theme for the week, butcher some singer's landmark song, applause, Randy Jackson's play-it-safe critique, Paula Abdul slur about how she'd like to buy a vowel and finish with Simon Cowell busting Ryan Seacrest's balls harder than he does the crappy singer and repeat for however many contestants there are that evening.


Then the following night, have a full hour dedicated to getting an answer you could get by kicking Seacrest in the throat and yanking that envelope out of his hands, opening it and telling whatever reject who knew they had it coming to get lost.

Brian Dunkleman: Career Missing since Season 1 of Idol ended

But the weird thing is, people loved this crap. I can sort of understand it since they got to decide who would be the winner in the end (Yet not decide to buy their albums) but the fact that the audience put up with these one hour shows just to find out who was going home that week. Aside from the last ten minutes, who in their right mind would watch that? But then again, there are worse things you could watch in an hour...


The Hills: Helping the pro-choice movement since 2006


Things were going downhill on the show, you could tell, but it got to the point where Paula Abdul was getting so drunk she thought that people were singing their second song even though they were the first singer to start the show off. She would pass it off as exhaustion, stress, alcohol poisoning, heavy workload, un-prescribed medications but whatever it was, you could tell the executives behind the scenes were sweating whenever the camera caught her throwing up in her Coke (the soda) cup.


Then last season they decided they would add another judge to slowly ease Paula out of the picture and they brought in songwriter Kara DioGuardi.
Who?
Regardless, her opinion meant dick but it was nice to have at least one female judge who knew what state she was in when addressing the contestants.


"Hi. My name is Kara DioGuardi and even I haven't heard of me.
Could someone Google me?"

And in that last season you had one contestant who stood out the most. Whether you voted for him or not, you couldn't really ignore the intensity he brought onto the stage and injected into every song he belted out. Adam Lambert was most likely going to win the show last year but it seemed that a lot of people were put off by his possible homosexuality.


Gasp! A homosexual in the music industry! Surely the world of the 21st century is not ready for such radical change. So instead they gave it to some guy named Kris Allen who probably thought he was the luckiest heterosexual on the planet when he won.


Season 8 winner Kris Allen. Missing since season finale. Foul play by gay mafia suspected

Meanwhile, in between seasons, Paula Abdul decided that now would be a good time to walk away from the show (Could she walk away in a straight line?) and leave people scrambling to find out who would replace Paula. There was speculation that it could be Britney Spears but that was just a recipe for disaster that only a network like Fox could only dream of. But after months of speculation it was decided that the newest judge would be long time producer and multiple Grammy award winning DJ Ellen Degeneres.

Wait-what?

OK, Simon Cowell, I can understand having because he's a record producer and has been doing this for a long time.
Randy Jackson, I also understand having because he's worked with people like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston as well as being the brother Michael never talked about.
I did what Kara asked and found out that she is a songwriter. OK, that makes sense I guess but what in the name of all things German does Ellen bring to the table? She's a big fan of the show and...she dances on her show. That's it.
Did they ever get a callback from Britney Spears?


"Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?"

So by this point you could tell that the show was just going downhill. The familiarity of the judges was gone, most of the contestants were people with rice-cake personalities (Bland, white, no flavour) and to put the final nail in the coffin, Simon Cowell declared that this season would be his last.

Most people don't watch American Idol for the singers, they watch it because they want to see Simon destroy someone's life with just one clever quip that couldn't be pulled off by anyone who didn't have a British accent. And as a final act worthy of a Picard facepalm, the audience once again picked some boring white guy with little to no personality to win. Gee, cause everyone was just crazy for Taylor Hicks in 2005.

With Cowell now departing, Jackson is the only remaining original judge and if he's smart, he'll walk away before Fox gets the same idea I just had and decide to make Kevin Federline the replacement for Simon. Cowell himself said he was getting bored with the whole thing and can you blame him?

So to wrap it up, American Idol once was perhaps the most important TV show in North America. Now it's probably going to reach the importance levels of Dancing With the Stars. And don't get me started on that piece of crap. Whoever watches that needs to have the stupid slapped out of them.

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