Monday, January 18, 2010

No Sloppy Seconds, Please

My landlords are great people. Since moving in at the begging of December, they've been really accommodating and I used to have dinner with them every night when I didn't work in the evening. Since I had today off this meant that I had the rare opportunity to sit down and eat dinner with them and watch Judge Judy at the same time (Seems to be commonplace in Calgary; every meal must be consumed with at least one half hour of Judge Judy). I made it very clear from the beginning that whatever they made, I would eat and if I wanted to get something of my own they had no problem with that.

I don't like sausage and even though that was all there was, I still took the opportunity to sit down and watch as Her Honour listened to the case about some bimbo owing money to her ex-boyfriend. Meanwhile my landlords (Whom I shall refer to as M'Lord and M'Lady) were talking about M'Lady's workout at the gym as the kids sat in their highchairs and watched their Baby Einstein DVDs.

Apparently there was some confusion as to whether M'Lady was in the sauna or not the whole time she was at the gym and I don't know why that was so confusing to M'Lord. You go to a gym to use the equipment and work up a sweat. You go in the sauna after the workout. I've never known anyone besides myself who would go to a gym and not use the equipment at all.
OK, granted I did it one time after a hard boxing workout but that was because the shower they had at the time was probably going to make me dirtier.

So we started focusing on the case before us. It seems the bimbo was being blackmailed by her boyfriend who recorded them having sex and was apparently going to put it on Youtube.

"You can't put a sex tape on Youtube," I observed as I took a bite of the sausage (Already this sounds dirty and perverted). "I mean, Xtube, sure, but not on Youtube."

For any ladies reading this who don't know (Or simply can't tell just by the name) Xtube is a free porno site where anyone can upload whatever they want. Look for some of my self portraits when you get the chance.

"Or Youporn," said M'Lady. "[M'Lord] watches Youporn all the time, don't you [M'Lord]?"

I stayed quiet since her tone was pretty harsh. I just watched Judy and continued to eat my saus-...dinner.

But M'Lady kept going on about the porn. I almost wanted to ask if this was appropriate dinner conversation but at the same time I was lowering my head showing my uncomfortableness and doing my best to hold back laughter.

"This is why I don't have a girlfriend," I said, trying to break the ice.

However M'Lady was going to be as frigid as ever over this. "Oh, but M'Lord has a wife and yet he still has to look at porn. That's how macho he is."

I tried to ease the tension by telling M'Lady how the two maintenance guys at work yesterday were taking a brief look at porn on a guy's Blackberry the other day when they were supposed to be actually working. I was on my break and I also just took a brief peek.

"Are any of them married?" asked M'Lady.

"No," but it has just dawned on me as of this writing that one of them is in fact married. Good thing I didn't share that fact.

Either M'Lady is incredibly naive or has no idea how the male mind works but surprise, surprise, men watch porn. It's a fact of life. Married, single, in a relationship-we all do it. It's like farting. It is not glamorous but we do it anyway.

M'Lord remained more calm than I might have imagined in a situation like this but at the same time he wanted to know why M'Lady was being so snarly.

I decided not to wait for a reply and just retreated back to the basement.

Ladies, men watch porn. If you actually believe the bullshit of, "I'm just reading the articles," then (with all respect) you're kinda dumb. We like boobies and we also like variety. Porn offers us both.

Also, why is it that whenever I eat sausage something bad follows? Last time we had sausage, the ginger baby threw up which made me sick two days later and now I can't eat dinner with a straight face and I'm afraid that it might make me throw up again.

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