Saturday, July 23, 2011

Shocker! Amy Winehouse is Dead!!!

A little over a year ago I wrote a piece about former teen actress and current waste of space, Lindsay Lohan. She had just been sentenced to a light prison sentence where she would be cut off from the booze and drugs but have plenty of access to any lesbian inmate she wanted and I applauded the decision. As I mentioned in that article, addicts piss me off.


And while I've made jokes about another addict in the past, I never wrote a page about her probably because I assumed she would just OD one day and that there was no point. However she kind of hung on and escaping death like my idiot cat, Butch. But the Grim Reaper can't be held off forever and today it seems that Amy Winehouse has done her last line...either in the form of music or cocaine. Take your pick. And yes, no cause of death has been confirmed yet but...come on, use your head.

How I signed my reaction to Amy Winehouse's death (I have a sore throat)


Look, I know that for members of her family, her friends and to fans that this must be a really sad day for them, but come on, it's not like she was making headlines for her singing ability lately. Every other article was about her fucking up a stage show, her entering or leaving rehab or how someone close to her was worried she might not be around too long if she didn't get her act together.


Go on YouTube and type in "Amy Winehouse Drunk" and you'll find that those videos have more views and comments than any video of her where she's actually singing or aware of what month it is. The woman was a wreck, looked like one and moved like one on stage.


Don't believe me? Check out this video and tell me if I'm wrong. Hell, if anything, the title is misleading because it says she "Performs". However, if you go to an Amy Winehouse performance, do you expect to see her sing or walk around the stage like a blind man who's just been hit in the head with a baseball bat and ask band members where she can score some coke?


Wait, this is Amy Winehosue, so chances are that "sing" was the last thing you expected. And if you did, it probably wasn't worth what you paid.


I know I might be a little cold and downright mean with my words right now but one thing I can't get over is that she was just 27. That's just two years older than me. Imagine that, you're in the prime of your life and for the past couple of years all you've done is just self-destruct and piss away everything you ever did or wanted to do? Like with Lohan, I would love to have the adoring fans, the ability to inspire, to have fans waiting for my autograph. And besides, what the hell was so hard about your life that you needed drugs and alcohol to end it?


Look, I enjoy a good drink. At Aaron's bachelor party I was drunk to the point where after I downed a shot of God knows what, I raised my arms and proclaimed, "I AM A MAN!!!" and continued to wolf down a deep fried cheesecake. But I know my limits. I don't do it every night, every week or every month even. In fact, the last time I can remember having anything alcoholic was at Aaron's wedding.


Is it sad that she's dead? Yes, of course. But we shouldn't act surprised by it or any other celebrity who spends more time at the Betty Ford Clinic than doing their job. Honestly, let's just make Robert Downey Jr. a motivational speaker for retarded celebrities who didn't get the message even after South Park put is so plainly for us.
This was the best picture of her I could find of her

As a final note, I would like to say that while Amy Winehouse was indeed a talented singer, it's a shame that the troubles she brought into her personal life overshadowed all the accomplishments she made (and could have made) in her professional life.

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