Tuesday, February 2, 2010

What the Fett? (AKA: Boba Fett Sucks!)

"Someone tell me I'm cool...Please?"

I've been a Star Wars fan since I was a little kid and even though my opinion of the prequel series isn't as favourable as it is towards the original movies, I still like to catch them on TV every once in a while.

However, one thing in all my years as a fan has constantly puzzled me: Boba Fett.

I get it, he's supposed to be the best bounty hunter in the galaxy but in all honesty, he just sucks.
I know that this is going to piss some die hard Star Wars fans off but I'm sorry; this guy just sucks.
Let's go over the few scenes we see him in from the first 3 movies (I'm talking about Episodes IV-VI, not the prequels)

Episode IV-A New Hope: Technically he didn't appear in the original Star Wars however in the 1997 remastered release, you can clearly see that he is there in the meeting between Jabba and Han Solo (A scene best left on the cutting room floor). He stands there, does nothing, says nothing, walks off.

And the legend begins!

Episode V-The Empire Strikes Back: In his first scene at the gathering of bounty hunters to find the Millennium Falcon, we see that Vader has to remind Fett in particular, "No disintegrations."
And when he says that he's pointing a finger at him like he's saying, "Stop killing the people you're being paid to capture!"
He's a bounty and he needs to be reminded, "Don't kill the people I'm paying you to capture and hand over to me so I can get information out of them."

We then see that he later easily finds the Millennium Falcon (Yeah, how did his ship get in that garbage pile anyway? Did he just go up to the Star Destroyer captain and say, "Could you put my ship in the garbage?")
And instead of attacking the Millennium Falcon and using a tractor beam to take it back to the Empire, the stuff an educated bounty hunter would do, he just decides to follow them.
Never saw Dog do that.

He later shows up when our heroes discover (Cue Admiral Ackbar) IT'S A TRAP!!! Fett bursts onto the scene by flying out on his jetpack, blasts Chewie a couple dozen times, beats the shit out of Han and breaks Leia's legs-oh wait, no he doesn't. He just comes from behind a corner and stands there after Vader does cool stuff like catching blaster bolts with his hand.

So far, all we've seen him do is either walk, be stationary, get reminded how to do his job only to not do it when he has a great opportunity, and then stand there some more.

Again, why is he popular?

So later we see that when Han's being tortured Boba Fett reveals, "He (Solo) is no good to me dead", showing that he learned something from the words of Darth Vader. And from that point he just follows Vader to the elevator.

DO SOMETHING!!! YOU HAVE A GOD-DAMN JETPACK AND A BIG ASS BLASTER. SHOOT ONE OF THOSE MIDGETS RUNNING AROUND THE CARBONITE ROOM!!!!

Ahem.

So later when Han is being frozen in carbonite, Fett again is bitching about the health of capture. Again, all those short aliens around and he's not even going to kick one? Yeah, best bounty hunter in the galaxy my ass.

From there, Fett starts to take Solo to his ship when all of a sudden Luke Skywalker starts sneaking up. Just when Luke's about to get close, Fett appears from around a corner and starts shooting at him.

Fuck yeah. Here we go. Took a while to get started, but now we're gonna see some cool lightsaber vs blaster action where Fett holds his own and leads Luke into the trap set by Vader. Awesome!

Oh wait, that didn't happen either. Instead he just shoots a couple times and...runs away a bitch.

Deciding that shooting a couple of times is enough action for him in this movie, Fett decides to depart with the famous line of, "Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold."

And then he flies off where he'll probably continue to do nothing off screen.

Episode VI-Return of the Jedi: OK, last movie. I can do this. I can do this.

We're in Jabba's palace. It's quite the gathering of other species and Fett just decides to stand in the corner. Cause that's what badasses do.

However if you want to go by what happens in the Special Edition, during that shitty overextended scene of the alien band doing their song (What was so bad with the original?), let's do that too. For a brief second we see Fett doing what he does best.
Walking.
Then standing in a corner.

Please explain to me why he's so popular again?

So later Leia shows up disguised as a bounty hunter. A good one since she "captured" Chewbacca and actually has him as her prisoner. You know what, stunt or not, she's shown more effort than Fett. Fett needed the Empire to help capture Solo and the others. Leia's bounty hunter character did it on her own.

Leia: 1
Fett: -1 (Yeah, you go into the negatives, that's how much you suck)

In the special edition there's also a scene where Fett briefly flirts with a dancer by cupping her chin, pulling off his greatest feat ever by impersonating a heterosexual.

So when Leia pretends to be upset about what she'll be paid for Chewie, she threatens to blow them all up with a thermal detonator.

OK, that's cool. Leia's bounty hunter is sending a clear message: "Give me what I want or I'll kill us all. I don't give a fuck."

That's cool. Take notes, Boba.

So yeah, Fett pulls out his gun (Why not just shoot her if you're so cool?) and then puts it away when Jabba and Leia come to an agreement on the price.

Fett then nods to Leia because he knows that in her (and everyone else's eyes), he is a pussy.

Later Fett decides to stick close to Jabba when Luke arrives. Very protective of a fat, ugly slug, aren't you Boba? But in all fairness, it's still a lot of nothing he's doing.

So when Luke uses the Force to get a gun in his hand, Fett does the only logical thing and shoots Luke in the face. Skywalker's corpse is fed to the Rancor and Fett takes Princess Leia and her skimpy bikini back to his bedroom where they have hot monkey sex for 1000 years.

Oh wait, that doesn't happen either. (Why do I keep doing that?) Instead Fett continues to stand there.

DO SOMETHING!!!!

Hey, I think my wish has been granted. It's the Sarlaac scene and Luke has turned the tables on Jabba, turning their execution into a daring escape. Well, Boba Fett won't stand for that. He takes off on his jetpack ("Finally, an opportunity to use this!") and lands right in front of Luke so he can get his blaster chopped in half before he even has a chance to fire and it knocks him down.

Excuse me, I need Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation to express how I feel about what just happened.


It may be a facepalm, but it's cooler than anything Boba Fett ever did


First off, why not use that jetpack to fly around and blast the fuck out of Skywalker and pals at the same time? Doesn't he know that a moving target is harder to hit (or chop in Luke's case) than a stationary one (ie. One that lands two feet in front of you!)

So since he can't shoot Luke, Fett declares, "You are fit to be tied up! Because everyone knows that a lightsaber can't cut through rope!"
It does and it knocks down Fett again-much harder than last time.
Captain, your assistance, please?

Thank you.

So after looking like a complete douche twice in ten seconds, Boba Fett decides to try and shoot Luke with something he's got on his wrist. You know, that probably would have worked better than the rope, idiot!

However his plans are thwarted when a blind guy sets off his jetpack by accident, sending him into the sail barge and into the mouth of the Sarlaac.

Yeah, the best bounty hunter in the galaxy got taken out by a blind guy...on accident.

And for some reason that final act of being a pussy solidified his legacy among Star Wars fans as one of the greatest characters ever. However not even the Sarlaac could keep Fett out of the Star Wars universe since he's been resurrected in paperback form.

Have not read any of those books and I don't plan on it.

Boba Fett is overrated. The only reason people can have for liking him is because his Mandalorian armour looks cool and it does. That's it. He's a pussy, the worst bounty hunter in the galaxy and rivals Jar-Jar in terms of uselessness.

Yeah, I went there.

1 comment:

Matthew said...

Aweosme. Totally feel the same way.