Sunday, June 20, 2010

What the Hell Happened to You?

As usual, after writing my last blog post I got incredibly lazy and decided that my genius at poking fun at Gary Coleman's untimely death would hold me over for at least another six months, give or take the odd poop joke I might make out of desperation and writer's block.


However then my older yet less conceited sister got some exclusive blogging gig for a think tank and is now receiving gifts of frankincense and myrrh in praise when what she should be getting is a double facepalm for attending such a farce. One of the speakers it turns out is a transgendered porn star who doesn't have a penis-figure that one out.
Wait, people paid $4000 to sit in on this?

"Palms up, Number One."

To make matters worse, my own father managed to have his recent letter to the editor of the local paper published and also had it declared "Letter of the Day". I know I have to step up my game when a man in his fifties who has shouting arguments with the television is outdoing me.

It's sad when a great talent like myself happens to let vanity and ego get to his head and believes that anything will be golden simply because I am me. But luckily I'm not the first person this has happened to and I've realized the error of my ways so that unlike the people on this list, you won't look at and say, "Wow, you used to do great stuff...what the hell happened to you?"

My father makes the same face whenever he makes a mistake playing Jeopardy at home


1) Robin Williams
-Ah, Mork, what the hell happened to you? Your improvisation skills were second to none, you could make anyone laugh by doing the simplest things, even more impressive was the episode of Happy Days where you convinced the world that someone could go on a date with Penny Marshall without downing twelve shots of vodka beforehand (Though maybe that scene was left on the cutting room floor....INVESTIGATE!!!).
To make a good thing better, you were equally as talented when you were doing non-comedies. I loved Dead Poet's Society in high school, Insomnia is really underrated in my opinion and One Hour Photo was eerie on an Anthony Perkins level. And of course, you won an Academy Award for Good Will Hunting.

So what the hell happened? You keep churning out crap like the rectum of a man who survives on a diet of laxatives. License to Wed, what the hell were you thinking? Didn't it bother you that your character (A priest) had this little kid following you around wherever you went, which included the back of a van late at night?


Really, Robin, I thought you knew better. But from What Dreams May Come to Death to Smoochy to Old Dogs, you should sit down, watch the last couple of movies you've made, count the number of times you laugh and if you have more fingers than laughs, fire your agent.


Don't feel too bad, Robin. The guy on your right has been on a much worse streak than yours...which leads us to...

2) John Travolta-I'm getting sick and tired of all these idiots who claim that Pulp Fiction somehow "saved John Travolta's career". No...not at all. Before Pulp Fiction, Travolta's career was like a man who had a gun in his mouth ready to pull the trigger. But then Pulp Fiction comes around...which to some people is akin to a man with a gun in his mouth removing said gun.

But the truth is Pulp Fiction was the equivalent to a man who has a gun in his mouth, pulls the trigger but somehow ends up surviving so that they end up demented, deformed, barely recognizable but still alive through the grace of God or whatever deity you believe in.
That's Travolta's post-Fiction career.

His face=Travolta's movie career

I don't think I can make it any clearer than that. Battlefield Earth, Domestic Disturbance and Be Cool make it painfully clear that you Be Stupid with the decisions towards your career. Why not just be a pilot for the rest of your life? You'll have a dog who can sniff out bombs for you instead of making them into movies.


3) Steve Martin-Ah, another master of comedy now reduced to making crap, calling it a rose and then defending it for some unexplained reason. Seriously, what the hell is with these so-called "comedians" who produce such trash that they wouldn't touch when their career was in it's prime? I mean, come on, Steve, The Pink Panther remake was a mistake because you're not Peter Sellers and nobody watches a movie to listen to your shitty French accent try to pronounce words without said accent or to see Beyonce remind everyone that she can't act. But then do do a SEQUEL and defend it in public...I'm sorry but that exceeds the double facepalm from earlier.


Look, you do good work on SNL when the writer's aren't churning out crap themselves but you gotta stop with this Pink Panther crap. I mean, is that how you want to be remembered? I've been told that Father of the Bride is funny and maybe you should watch that to remind yourself of your potential and do something that is worth your time and not wasting mine.

"Regardez, je suis français et avoir un visage comme quelqu'un qui a poussé un balai dans mon cul! C'est la comédie!"


4) Ashton Kutcher-You know, this one doesn't bother me so much. I never found him to be very talented at all. Every movie he stars in is just him playing Kelso from That 70's Show to a different degree. The whole, I'm a douchebag idiot man-child with a heart of gold deal really got old quickly. Thankfully audiences wised up and you haven't really seen a whole lot of Kutcher lately.


That is unless you're one of his followers on Twitter. Yeah, Kutcher decided that he would be the first person to get over a million followers. Whoopie-fucking-doo. You got a million followers on Twitter so now they can save themselves the eight bucks and just read the stupid shit you say instead of watching it on a movie screen.




5) Jim Carrey-Like Robin Williams, your simplistic style of comedy could often be annoying in heavy doses but all in all, it was really enjoyable. And even when you toned it down to levels of The Truman Show, you showed that like Williams, you were capable of an Oscar winning performance...even if they didn't nominate you.


But again, back to making crap simply for...what reason? Are you people bored? Have you lost your passion for making people laugh or for just making good material? You just knew that How the Grinch Stole Christmas was going to be a big green pile of Grinch shit when you try to turn a ten minute story into a two hour movie.


Then comes more garbage like The Number 23 (That was oddly enough the same number of people who admitted to seeing that movie), Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man. The last movie of his I remember people really enjoying was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and that was when you toned it down, weren't chewing scenery for laughs and working with a good script, good filmmakers and equally good actors.


Although, to his credit, Carrey had the good sense not to appear in the cinematic abomination that was Son of the Mask, a film so bad that the torture from Marathon Man was probably more pleasant.


I wonder if he could solve my riddle about the Nutella...


6) Robert DeNiro-This one is really painful. It really, truly is painful for me to write. He's one of the best actors of all time, been in so many classic films and yet...he starred in Hide and Seek.


Bobby, you were in The Godfather II, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull (Much to Aaron's delight), Goodfellas...there is no reason why you should be making crap co-starring Dakota Fanning. Plus, who's gonna believe that you're a single father anymore? All the shoe polish on your head could fool Dakota but it can't fool me.


That and those goddamn Meet the Parents/Fockers movies. Holy shit, did I find those annoying really quick. Why not just call the movie, "Hey, Focker" cause that's basically all you say in the movie aside from the parts where you act like a total dick whom we're supposed to find likable...why?


And I'm sorry, the last time you hosted Saturday Night Live back in 2004 has to be one of the worst hosting jobs I've ever seen from a two-time Academy Award winner...or ANY host for that matter! It was like you thought that you would redefine comedy by not being funny at all...who knows, maybe you're not made for sketch comedy but fuck me was that painful!


Listen to me. Don't do any more action movies where you're a homicide detective. That last one you did with Pacino, no one cared about it because no one believes it and no one wants to see two great actors phoning it in for a paycheck.


"You talkin' to me...you said my movie sucked, you talkin' to me? Which movie? Godsend?....Yeah, that did suck.


I know that this was long-winded (Would you expect any less of me?) but I just want you to know that I'm going to try and update at least once a week from now on. And it'll be good stuff too, at least I think it'll be good. I suppose I better start planning what I'll rant about next week. Oh and by the way, the anniversary of my divine birth is this Friday. Please contact me if you wish to donate gifts or animal sacrifices

No comments: