Sunday, July 4, 2010

Seriously...What the hell are you thinking?

I was a bit shocked a few days ago when it was announced that longtime CNN talk-show host Larry King would be retiring in the fall. It was something that I never thought he would do considering that Morley Safer and the rest of the gang on 60 Minutes are still going strong despite their combined ages being greater than that of this universe.


But I'm not one to dictate the life of Larry King so I decided to sit down one night after work and watch him discuss his impending retirement with Bill Maher. They were talking about who would replace him and Larry then said one of the most horrifying things I've ever heard come out of the mouth of a Jew (Though my Opa could probably think of worse):
"If he was interested in politics, I'd recommend Ryan Seacrest to replace me."


If this is news to you then you're probably wondering where that slapping sound came from. Well, that ladies and gentlemen, was you. You just did a facepalm at how god damn stupid Larry King could be for wanting Ryan Seacrest to replace him.


Think about it. Larry King, one of the most respected interviewers of the last 25 years or so, a man who has interviewed anyone worth interviewing from people like Mike Tyson (Fresh out of prison, I might add), presidential candidates and even though it hasn't happened, I'm sure Jesus Christ himself would stop by the set to sit down and answer interesting questions like:


1) Did you ever get over the whole, "Mary Magadalene was a prostitute" thing?


2) Do you ever think about having kids of your own?


3) Have you spoken to Judas over the centuries, tried to patch things up?


4) Does it bother you that I don't believe in you?


5) Aren't you supposed to be white?


Anyway, back to what I was saying, you're going to have Larry King replaced by the guy who hosts American Idol? Come on, Ryan Seacrest isn't a journalist. He's a DJ. Besides, they already gave him a TV show back in 2004. What, you don't remember On Air with Ryan Seacrest? Of course you don't because nobody watched it, hence why it was cancelled less than a year into it's run.


I don't know why I'm getting so upset by this since Larry admitted that Seacrest doesn't have any interest in politics and therefore probably wouldn't fit into the role very well. But just the thought of it. It's bad enough that real journalism is dead in this world but when you replace an icon like Larry King with Ryan Seacrest, it makes me want to quit this world.
In all honesty, why not have me replace you Larry? I'm sure I'd look good in suspenders, I do enjoy American politics, I have a direct style that cuts through the bullshit and I promise I won't ask Jerry Seinfeld really stupid questions like, "Your show didn't get cancelled did it?"


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