Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Her Misery Equals My Satisfaction

Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan was known for having a movie career and not for wild drinking binges and dating a bull-dyke DJ for a while. It's too bad because Lohan did had potential. Mean Girls was a good movie but other than that, what good or even barely watchable movie has Lindsay Lohan made in the past six years?

Get it? The movie is called "Herbie: FULLY LOADED" and she's an alcoholic. This stuff just writes itself sometimes

It pissed me off that a star with such potential was blowing it all away with drugs and DUIs considering how around that time nothing would have made me happier than to be an actor in Hollywood. But since that never happened for me, I have to settle for the next best thing which is mocking the ones who were lucky enough to make it big only to fuck it up with their own stupidity.

So yeah, after Mean Girls and a few gigs hosting SNL it suddenly seemed that the only reason she was making headlines was because people wanted to know if she was possibly going to rehab or going to go down on Wilmer Valderamma.

"Hi, has anyone seen my career? I lost it ever since That 70's Show went off the air."

And it just went downhill from there. She wasn't making any good movies, her own family was saying that she was out of control (That's like the Manson family saying that Squeaky might be losing it) and that she was just going through a phase with her new girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Her partying was holding up production of her films and at one point a pissed off studio executive publicly released a letter to Lohan where he criticized her work ethic and flat out stated that everyone knows that her so-called "exhaustion" was because she had been up the previous night drinking.

So beyond that, various stints in rehab followed by being busted for driving drunk and possession of cocaine it made me and a few other people scratch our heads and say, "Why the fuck are you famous?" It seemed that Lohan wanted to have a career similar to Robert Downey Jr...except the Robert Downey Jr from 10 years ago, not the one who made a remarkable comeback which totally made us forget about his sordid past.

Lohan later insisted she was doing research for her next movie which would be titled "The Lindsay Lohan Story".

As I mentioned before, her behaviour pissed me off because I wished that I was in the position that she was in. Just to make it clear, I'm referring to her having a career in Hollywood, not having a record for projectile vomit...which is also her career in Hollywood. Anyway, where it used to make me mad, it makes me laugh and cheer whenever I hear that this dumb bitch has gotten herself waist deep in shit.

Addicts piss me off. That's not to say that I don't have sympathy for them because if you're willing to get better and put in an honest to god effort, then I applaud you and hope that your life gets better with each passing day. But those like Lohan who constantly appear in court, beg for one more chance and say how they want to get their life back on track only to go back to the clubs after their get out of court, fuck 'em.

So, Lindsay, being the dummy that she is, decided that she would go to the Cannes Film Festival just a few days before a very important court appearance which could affect her freedom. Naturally, Lindsay is an idiot and somehow "lost" her passport. My theory on what happened to it? She got so drunk and high on a mixture of cocaine and Mr. Clean that she ate it. I've heard that Mr. Clean gives you the munchies.

Hey, aren't you the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation?

So Lindsay came back home, got scolded by a judge who had to put her vacation on hold to sentence Lindsay's dumb bleach-blond ass and told to wear a bracelet that would monitor whether she was drinking or getting high as well as go to alcohol counselling.

Naturally it should come to no surprise that Lohan's bracelet went off one night while she was at a bar. But, gasp!, Lindsay claims that it went off only because alcohol was spilt on the device. Well, I'm sure that after downing enough shots that would put my younger sister in the hospital, Lindsay was bound to lose her balance a bit and spill some on herself.

But today has to be the crown jewel in her career. Facing the same judge she pissed off from before by fucking up her vacation, Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in jail. And the funny thing is, it was for missing her alcohol counselling. I mean, come on, Lindsay, you couldn't just fake it through the counselling and try your hardest to stay awake during the sessions?

I think I've watched that video more than five times by now. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I love more than to see someone get what's coming to them. But I have no idea why she's crying? Prison's not so bad for a girl like her, hasn't she ever watched an episode of OZ? You can get drugs easily and find other lesbians to party with. Wipe your tears, this is a vacation for you.

"Does prison have an open bar?"

Personally, I think if she serves the 90 days, she might come out a better person. I was one of the many lobbying for capital punishment against Paris Hilton but it seems that after her stint in the slammer she seemed to have straightened out her act. But if I were a betting man, I'd say Lindsay tries to hang herself in her cell after realizing that after jail, she'll be expected to go to rehab.

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