Be a NINJA!!!!!

I was at the gym recently and as I was leaving I saw a flyers on the desk that I had overlooked before. Always looking for new reading material, I picked it up and saw the following explanation in the top right corner:

Ninjutsu: Ninjutsu was developed as a collection of fundamental survivalist techniques in the warring states of feudal Japan.

My first immediate thought was, "Ninjas live in Calgary?" and wondering if this was foreshadowing to me entering a time vortex and getting sucked back in feudal Japan so that I could keep the entire cast of The Last Samurai from crying at the end of the movie.

"Oh, hai."

Some of you may think I'm going to start knocking martial arts but the truth is I'm not. I have great respect for it considering that Bruce Lee is one of my idols. But I'm just taking a look at the flyer and examining what else it explains about this course.
Well, it seems that before you can get to Ninjutsu, you first must conquer the five levels of Taijutsu.

Well, wait a minute, isn't that the biggest tease ever. You lure people in by telling that you're going to train them to be a ninja...only after they've mastered another form of fighting. OK, let's examine the five levels.

A moment most Chuck Norris fans would like to forget

Level 1: Earth-This is where you learn the foundation of your training with physical exercise, basic punches and kicks, rolling, and dodging

Why would you roll if you can dodge? For that matter, when have you ever seen anyone actually roll on the ground when fighting...aside from those near-homoerotic moments in UFC. The only time I can recall someone rolling in a fight was Bruce Lee and that was when he had a whole Japanese dojo charging at him before he bitch-slapped them with his nunchuks.

Level 2: Water-In water, you learn to be flexible, to "go with the flow", soft strikes, leadership and basic grappling

You know, you could have just used (again) Bruce Lee's famously quoted, "Be water, my friend" speech. Would have been so much cooler


Level 3: Fire-Fire is all about independence; where you start to take what you have learned and make it fit your body type. Fast and explosive is the training method for this level and to learn the meaning of full commitment

That's fire? OK, you better hope a lot of people who sign up aren't people who have seen Naruto otherwise you're going to have some pissed off anime nerds on your hands.

Maybe he's a dragon and not a ninja...

Level 4: Wind-Getting into distance fighting, and reading body language, to learn how to anticipate the next move, and how to talk your way out of a situation with the confidence to back it up

Bruce Lee wouldn't have walked away...I'm just sayin'...

Level 5: Void-Void is where it all starts to come together. Combining all 4 levels and learning the history of the system, to prepare you for your Black Belt.

Void? Sorry, just seems like kind of an empty title (Ha...ha). Especially if it's the level where you bring everything together

Hey, hold on a second! Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Void...sounds kinda familiar. You know what, if you substituted "Heart" for "Void", that sounds like something out of a bad Ted Turner environmental cartoon show.

Now this class makes sense to me. You learn these five stages and combine them to make you start your path to being a ninja. So let's just call the fifth level Heart because to me that makes more sense. So, Earth, Water, Fire, Wind and Heart.
When the five Levels combine, they summon Earth's greatest champion:
NINJA CAPTAIN PLANET!!!

All kidding aside, the course does sound interesting and if I wasn't so lazy at times, had reliable transportation and wasn't such a boxing fanatic that commitment to any other sports seems like heresy. Besides, I think just learning the five levels of taijutsu would be enough. I mean, in freakin' Calgary, do you think we have a need for ninjas?

Also, if I'm in a fight, do you think your opponent is going to give you time to remember what pocket you left your shuriken in?

"Hi, I'm Naruto, and I have the most unrealistic outfit related to my profession since April O'Neil. Believe it!!!