Monday, September 13, 2010

Vote for Pedro, I mean Bieber

Most people who know me know that I take a big interest in American politics. I have ever since 9/11 and it's probably what got me interested in paying attention to the news and into journalism. It lead to me acting like an absolute know-it-all jackass in my Politics class.

And one thing you may not know about me is that I don't like Justin Beiber.
At all. I don't understand the appeal and I don't understand why he's got people like Usher and Ludacris appearing in his music videos. Does he have footage of them engaging in gay sex or murdering someone?
Plus, why are girls going nuts about him? Do they even look at this guy? Every time I see him, I think I'm looking at Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.

"I've seen Usher do things you don't wanna know about!"

I'm not one of these psychos who want him to die a horrible death, I just wish he would sound like he's hit puberty when he's singing about how he's in love with a girl. Look, I'm sure he's a very nice guy but...I don't know, he just seems very wimpy.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject. With the 2010 midterm elections coming up in November, it's becoming more and more clear that the Republicans are going to take back most of the seats they lost four years ago as well as gaining some new ones. Quite a turnaround considering that after 2008 people thought the Republican party was obsolete.

With the Obamamentum (Someone see if that word's trademarked or not) over with, the Democrats are getting more and more desperate but the strategy of blaming George W. Bush doesn't seem to be working like it has in past years. So, in their own desperation, they decided that the best way to appeal to the American voter would be to use an underage Canadian.

Yeah, now that you're back from that and changed your pants since you most likely pissed them, let's go over a few things.

I guess he watched the video...

Why is this in black and white? You're trying to hard to be edgy. Just show it in colour, stop being so pretentious. It's a dumb political commercial, not Schindler's List. And for God's sake, why do you have twenty people speaking to me? One spokesman wasn't enough, you had to give each one a five second snippet before cutting to another hipster turd?

It starts out with some guy who looks like he's trying way too hard to look like Seth McFarlane who says, "This isn't your standard election year video of celebrities asking you to vote."
Thank God. The last thing I wanna see in my commercials is some has-been actor from the 80's reminding us that they're still alive and then telling us what choices we should make.

"It's us. Asking you to vote for celebrities who can't."
If they can't vote, then they're shit outta luck.
"Celebrities like Justin Beiber."
Why the fuck should anyone worry about Justin Beiber in this election? He hasn't lost his job, or in any danger of losing it at least until his balls drop? Seriously, I know Obama's kinda out of touch but Christ almighty.
Oh and it seems the smug has gone to your brain because if you did any research you would know that JUSTIN BIEBER IS CANADIAN!!!

Cut to footage of Bieber being chased by a crowd of screaming girls and then back to some chick who looks way too hot to be saying the stupid shit that comes out of her mouth.
"Yet whomever we vote for in the 2010 midterm elections will impact his future."

How? He's not going to care. Seriously, why don't you just make a commercial that says, "Republicans don't like Justin Bieber and shall kill his followers." Do, I care about his future? No, he's got his millions upon millions while some people are trying to figure out whether they should pay the bills or buy groceries.
Hey, why not say something smart like, "Whomever we vote for will impact all our futures"?

Cut back to fans cheering about him and then cut back to some homely looking chick who finally says, "And ours."
But the thing is, after that last hot chick, you were expecting you'd see her again, but they got...the other girl and you recoil in disbelief and shock, therefore probably missing her message.

Cut to footage of Bieber being hit on stage by a projectile and then cut back to the speakers.
"Members of congress may have the power to vote for or against legislation but we have the power to vote for or against every one of them."
You know, this is common knowledge if you're not an idiot.

"So tell your parents."
Make me, jerk.
"Your grandparents."
I said, 'make me', asshat.
"Your Facebook friends."
You don't tell me what to do...

"Your friends from karate class."

I don't do karate. I do boxing and you sound like you need a left hook to the liver!
"Your MySpace friends."
Nobody has MySpace anymore! What is this 2005?
"Your sisters."
If I tell my sisters anything it'll be that my parents have always loved me more than them.
"Your brothers."
I don't have any brothers. Jesus Christ, how big did you think my house was growing up? Where the hell would we put all those kids who my parents didn't love as much as me?

"Your step-brother."
I don't have one and if I did, I wouldn't speak to him.
"Your Jonas Brother."
My...what? Seriously, you're looking to get a liver punch soon.
"Tell everyone. To vote again in 2010."
And what am I supposed to do if they don't? Murder them?
"If they won't do it for you..."
You're gonna say murder them, aren't you? Oh my god, you sick bastards...
"Ask them to do it for Bieber."
Oh my god, you sick bastards...if they're old and smart enough to vote, then I don't think they give two shits about Bieber.

The commercial finally fades away to a disclaimer which says, "Not withstanding his great head of hair, Justin Bieber is an underage citizen of Canada and thus is ineligible to vote in these United States."
Why don't you just say, "We're stupid asshats, ignore everything we just said."
You'd think it'd be the end but then it cuts back to one of the speakers who whispers into the camera, "I love you, Bieber."
No, that's not creepy at all. And I'm sure that sticky stuff on your hands is just glue. That's what I'm telling myself.

How the hell can these people expect the American people to be swayed by that? No kid is going to tell their parent to vote for the benefit of Justin Bieber. Oh yes, your dad just got laid off and mom is working two jobs just to try and make ends meet, but we've got to do this for Justin Bieber. Was this commercial made by Joe Biden? Doubt that, the man can barely count.

No comments: