Sunday, April 10, 2011

Dancing With the Unemployed

I can't dance. As I stated in my last post, if I could my life might be very different. But for every theatre production I did that required me to move my body to the sound of music, I moved about with the grace of a drunk Helen Keller playing musical chairs. So like most guys, I really hate to dance.

However, after my last post, my music teacher friend messaged me on Facebook and informed me that, it is quite possible that she does know the lyrics to the soundtrack of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And to be fair, I really should have assumed that from the beginning. She's a music teacher, she's forgotten more about music than most people will ever know and it makes sense that she would know that.

It's kinda like me and worthless trivia no one else gives a shit about. It may take me a few seconds to recall it, but eventually I'll get you the information that won't add anything to your life. For example: What does the TIE in 'TIE Fighter' stand for? Twin Ion Engine.

Anyway, said friend suggested that I take a look at one of the most baffling programs to ever grace the airways, Dancing with the Stars.

You're gonna need a bigger barf-bag.

Oh, God, where do I begin. There is so much rage and hate flowing through my body that I'm not sure what to say or where to start. I'm not joking, I think my head is going to explode like that guy in Scanners because the stupidity is assaulting my brain from all angles.

After chugging a jug of Nestle Quik and eating an entire roll of Sweet Tarts in twelve seconds, I calmed down and relaxed. I'm strong enough. I'm man enough. I'm Schweitzer-Man. I trained with the League of Super-Ninjas from the year 8246 and if I can do that, I can tackle Dancing with the Stars.

OK, let's start with the whole concept of the show. Shows that have the word 'Celebrity' or 'Stars' in the title are a sign that it's going to be shit. Hell's Kitchen in the United Kingdom is done all by celebrities and not people who want to make it as chefs like the American version. That's boring television because if they have nothing to gain and nothing to lose then we don't care. Why should we care if someone who did four season on Coronation Street can make a proper mille feuille of sweetbreads? I remember when Dancing with the Stars first premiered on ABC, FOX came out with Skating with Celebrities to try and compete.

Now, if you're an actor who's only claim to fame was appearing on a shitty family sitcom that went off the air over ten years ago, does that make you a celebrity? Of course not. But don't tell that to Dave Coulier who was more than happy to appear on Skating and remind people that he wasn't dead. Don't know who he is? He was Uncle Joey on Full House. Really sad that the commercials for the show still referred to him as 'Full House's Dave Couiler'.

If by 'It', you mean your career, then mission accomplished.

Believe it or not, there have already been twelve seasons of this crap and America eats it up for some retarded reason. I mean, there's no way that a show this stupid could be on the air for this long. I thought it would be laughed off the air before the opening credits finished and yet it has endured. Anyway, since there are that many seasons, I'm just going to take a look at the so called 'celebrities' they have on their roster this season...

1) OK, first up we got Michael Catherwood. He's a talk radio personality who hosts Loveline and I'm already bored talking about him. Hey, if he weren't so busy and making more money, Rush Limbaugh would probably do good numbers. Probably a crappy dancer but it'd draw in the Tea Party crowd.

2) Wendy Williams-I hear that not a lot of people like this woman and she was relieved to be eliminated from the show. Kinda makes you wonder why she went on in the first place...? Probably because she wanted to fool herself into thinking she was an actual celebrity. Yeah, didn't work.

3) Kirstie Alley-Wait, what? That Kirstie Alley? Wow, from Star Trek to Cheers to Baskin Robbins for a few years and now this... I wonder what Lt. Saavik would say about such a career move. Or Spock for that matter.

"To assume an asinine reality show will save your career is not logical."

4) Chelsea Kane-She's appeared in some Disney programs that you never heard of unless you were babysitting somebody's kids or have pathetic taste and actually watch the crap Disney puts out. What's sad is that she's younger than I am and she's already reduced to DWTS. Don't worry, babe, make a sex tape and your stock will rise faster than Charlie Sheen's. Charlie just better hope he can keep milking his tour for as long as he can otherwise we'll see him next season.

5) Ralph Macchio-Sorry that you weren't in the latest Karate Kid movie. Trust me, if you want a career after this is done, you've got to the crane kick to either the judge who pisses you off or your dance partner. OK, it'll probably land you in prison for a few months but the video will get millions of hits on YouTube. And you could be a celebrity there....

6) Romeo-Hey, I remember back about ten years ago, you had released an album, you were calling yourself Lil Romeo. You were young, (appeared to be) talented and had a lot of money. The world was your oyster. It's amazing how in ten years that oyster can turn into a rancid scallop. Seriously, what is with these people being younger than me and already seemingly ending their careers? Sure, you could win but what the hell is that going to do? Seriously, I doubt many people in the rap/hip-hop community are going to be impressed that you won Dancing With the Stars...Season Twelve!

7) Petra Němcová-You're a model and the only reason you're doing this is because you're over the age of thirty. The modeling industry is cruel. However, you're tough, seeing as how you survived that tsunami in 2004. If you can survive that, doing the cha-cha should be a breeze.


8) Hines Ward-This one kinda confuses me cause he's still employed. Ward is actually a wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not going to speculate on why he's doing it. Probably just bored. Needed something to do. OK, you're good. Am I done this yet? Oh, Christ, this has got to end...

9) Kendra Wilkinson-Ooohh...this looks interesting. A former Playboy model, blonde, pretty young...oh but she's got a kid. Oops and it looks like she jumped the gun on making a sex tape. I said that you should do that after doing DWTS. Well, whatever, Skanky, have fun titilating the senior citizens who tune in.

10) Chris Jericho-Oh, no way! Not you, man! The Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla? Y2-Freaking-J? Come on, you were one of my favourite wrestlers back when I used to watch WWE. Hopefully you make a return after this because you're still a good wrestler and trust me, given most of the 'talent' that pro-wrestling has today, either you or the Ultimate Warrior have to make a comeback. But if you get eliminated, do the Walls of Jericho on one of the judges. Then promise to meet him at Wrestlemania XXVIII.

11) Sugar Ray Leonard-...It could be worse. He could be making a comeback in boxing. In Ray's defense, he's probably doing it for the same reasons Ward is doing it; he's bored. Ray Leonard was the first boxer to earn over $100 million in total purses for fights. He fought everybody who was everybody, beat them all (The fight with Hagler is still up for debate after almost 25 years though) and probably has enough saved that his great-grandchildren will live comfortably. He could do a decent 'Ali shuffle' when he had to and always had great balance so you know, this might be interesting to watch.

But we know I'm lying when I say that. We shouldn't really care if Ray Leonard can Foxtrot or if Romeo can do the Hokey-Pokey or if Jericho can do the Macarena. Do you know why, because when they're finished, they're never going to do it again. Shame on the people who watch this program week after week. Shame on you for having such low standards of entertainment and punishing yourselves for said standards with such awful stupid programs.

If you're going to watch a reality show, have it involve real people trying to achieve real goals. Hoping to get somewhere, overcome an obstacle. Reality shows with real people!

...If you see anybody who watches this show, hit them hard. Very hard. And don't stop until they're crying AND bleeding

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