Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Flying J-erk Around

Lately it seems that there are more problems at work than there are in the negotiations for the Mayweahter/Pacquiao bout. With fifteen minutes being cut from our work day (Turning an 8 hour day into a 7 hour and forty-five minute day) for some reason that I don't fully understand it has now come to my attention that they are now cutting our hours back so now we work a 7 hour work day (Work day is now 6:45).

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas and all that

I've been up since 4AM and for some reason am not the least bit fatigued. First off let me just say that I adore scallops. While most people were pigging out on turkey, cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes, I abandoned the traditional Christmas dinner for my own unique twist-sirloin steak cooked medium (something I pulled off with Ramsay-esque perfection) and roasted sea scallops.

Friday, December 18, 2009

It's the most wonderful time of the year...?

Since the beginning of the month, despite the cycle of songs on the radio throughout the Flying J, I cannot seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Even more shocking to me is how quickly the month has been flying by when in comparison to November. The days just seemed to drip through time like syrup whereas now I feel like there are never enough hours in the day either to do some shopping for my family (and myself) or to sleep.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


I usually don't get sick around this time of year. It always happens in the new year, around January or February.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Big Chill

Calgary is cold. There is no question about that. The chill cuts through your skin and goes straight through to the bone, sending a shiver throughout your whole body. It's gotten to the point where it's so cold that I hardly go out for something unless it becomes necessary for my survival. However, every morning I must drag myself out of bed and begin a twenty minute trek from my house to the train station-just two minutes from Aaron's house. When I stayed at Aaron's, I knew that I could get that extra few minutes of sleep because I could quickly put on my uniform, be out the door aboard the train in less than five minutes and didn't spend too long exposed to the elements. I could enjoy the comfort of the air mattress and the softness of the pillow. These days, I awaken to find that I can't spare any time in my sweat lodge of a room and have to take off immediately. The wind easily penetrates my uniform pants and makes the hair stand up on edge (Long underpants no longer seem like a novelty item to have). While this may sound strange, I can sometimes feel the hair inside my nostril go rigid when breathing through my nose. My jacket keeps my upper body warm enough however the gloves I bought recently were not designed for a winter quite like this so I think a thicker pair are in order. Just today I finally bout a toque for my long suffering ears (Obama would hate it here) and it already feels like a different walk. I might buy a ski mask should the weather continue to get colder (All the while some retard continues to go on about "climate change") which could also help me in my part time job of breaking into the houses of people I know I can beat the crap out of (elderly people; midgets).

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Eating Shit and The Secret of Simplicity

I have money problems, sad as it is to admit. While I am financially good now, until I get my paycheck next Thursday (the day I don't work), I have to, as my father put it over the phone, 'eat shit'. This isn't him being cruel. It's him saying, "You know how important money is to you now that you're living on your own. You're going to scrape by for the next five days so try not to starve yourself." I think that ever since I moved back home from Waterloo, I had forgotten what it was like in those early weeks when I had little to no money. While that may sound depresssing to some, for me, that was one of the best years of my life. I discovered the secret of simplicity and how you didn't have to spend big to get the full amount of flavour. I could get discount steaks which my sister's then boyfriend at the time, Jon, nearly orgamsed over because of the flavour. A decent sized box of cookies (Which everyone else called crap) for ninety-nine cents. The grandest dessert for me however were red delicious apples. Dinner would be a cup of Mr. Noodle or the Kraft Easy-Mac which drove Stephanie up the wall (as well as the cup of Frosted Flakes I would by every morning as I left work). I didn't go overboard with soda because I got it for free every night at 7-Eleven, as well as the fact that I am a master at making Kool-Aid which comes much cheaper (The secret to good Kool-Aid is the stirring of the mixture). I remember one night as I left the store after working the dreadful afternoon shift (3:00PM-11:00PM) with a Mega Gulp of root beer to come home and see that Stephanie had fixed me a dinner of steak, baked potato and asparagus. A simple meal, nothing special to it but it was delicious and one of the few meals that I remember vividly. Next few days should be interesting

Friday, December 4, 2009

Housing and Gastronomy and Transportation-OH MY!!!

I've been in my new room for almost a week and I must say that I really love the privacy that I have. The whole floor is basically mine though my landlords usually use the basement for exercise and all that. I must say that even though I'm getting a nice supper almost every evening (though not tonight nor tomorrow), I really wish I had my own kitchen.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Movin' on Down

 OK, while my new place may not be up to the standard of George and Wheezie. Again, I seem to be lodging in a computer room which might lead to some problems but I don't see that happening. A king size bed is nice as well as my own bathroom though it's not on the same floor. Still, I long for the day where I have my own kitchen where I can create some of Gordon Ramsay's masterpieces as well as not having to worry about being too loud for other people living in the house. That and if I had my own place I could enforce my "Clothing Optional" policy when alone. Which leads to my roommates. I live with a nice young couple and their two kids. Twins, a boy and girl, 14 months old. For little kids they sure weren't the most talkative. I remember how my neighbour's grandkids would jabber on for hours and hours when they were that age. These ones just stared at me, wondering who I was and why I was there to begin with. Later on before going to bed, the little boy watched me in amazement as I bounced a ball back and forth between my hands. I'm told that they have a tendency to bite things so I'll have to be careful. The longer walk to the train station in the mornings is probably going to be best described as a bitch but there's not much else I can do about that except request that I start a little bit later than 6:30AM but at the moment, considering the staffing problems we have already at work and how things seem to go to shit whenever my shift is always done, early mornings work just fine.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Flying Assholes

About a week before Flying J took me on as their newest employee (a title that keeps changing as more and more employees are fired/resigning and more people are hired) they switched over to a 24/7 prepay system. Simply put, you have to pay before we turn on the pumps. No exceptions, no nothing. However this has gotten some customers to declare, “I’m never coming to this place again!” or “I’m not going to be surprised in three months when this place goes down!” Since I am in front of a till and have the ability to control all the pumps, this has brought most of the criticism in my direction as well as that of my co-workers. While Flying J policy insists that we turn the other cheek (I would prefer to show them the cheeks of my ass), I have decided that I am not going to take verbal abuse any longer, especially if the customer reacts to the policy like they've just been told that in order for me to turn on the pumps they must first service me orally. I almost implemented this policy last weekend when a customer (late 50’s at least) came in while my supervisor (Let’s call her C) was out for a smoke. The customer (Let’s call him A-Hole) came in and when informing him of the policy and explaining that there was nothing I could do about it, instructed me to get C. For some reason, customers like A-Hole seem to assume that when we say, “There’s nothing I can do about it” or “It’s out of our control” that we are lying, naturally. And in all fairness they’re half right. I could turn on the pumps, let them pump their gas and then have them come in and pay it. But then I’d be out of a job because management is really strict about stuff like that. So alas, no rebellion on our part for customer satisfaction can be tolerated and unless a customer is able to get me a new job straight away with better pay, less hours and less work altogether, then their pleas are no good to me. C was brought in (She later told me, “As soon as I saw him, I knew there was going to be trouble.”) and A-Hole explained himself. A-Hole: You know me, I’ve been coming here ever since this place opened! C: I know but that’s the policy. A-Hole: Well that’s bullshit! (Looks at me) Just turn on the pump, I’ll leave my debit card here, and you can charge me when I’m done. SchweitzerMan: I can’t. A-Hole: Well, what the fuck!? (To C) I want you to turn those pumps on! You’re lying about not being able to turn them on! SchweitzerMan: No I’m not! (I would have gotten into it verbally with this prick but C held up a hand to keep me cool and I’m glad she did) Eventually C was able to convince A-Hole that there was no going around it and that he had to pay first. He slammed his debit card down on the counter in front of me. SchweitzerMan: How much do you want to put in? A-Hole: I want to fill it up! SchweitzerMan: Well, I need a dollar amount since you’re paying with a debit card. A-Hole: WHAT!? I should probably mention that for prepay, if you’re doing it with credit card, you get charged for whatever you pump, but with a debit card, you have to set a dollar amount and should you pump less than that, you come back in the store and we give you the difference. However, A-Hole was acting like his namesake. SchweitzerMan: Ain’t I a stinker? (OK, that last line didn’t really happen, but I was thinking it). A-Hole: I don’t know how much I’m going to put in! What the hell am I supposed to do about that!? SchweitzerMan: Sir, it’s better to give a high amount, that way if you don’t put the full amount in, we give you the difference back in cash. A-Hole: Oh no! This is a company card, that’s going to fuck up my accounting! How am I going to explain that to my company? SchweitzerMan: (Starting to get annoyed with him) Sir, I can print you out a receipt showing that this is money we give back to you. C: This is how we do it every time here. A-Hole: Well this will be the last time it ever happens here! Eventually A-Hole decided he would put in $700 into his truck and left. SchweitzerMan: (To C) Well, problem solved. He said this is the last time we’d have to deal with this problem. I knew that he would be back because his truck probably wouldn’t take that much gas. All of the other cashiers were watching with baited breath, hoping to see what would happen and if any slurs would be flung. A-Hole slammed his receipt on the counter in some attempt to intimidate me but he was about as intimidating as Siegfried and Roy so I actually spent the rest of my time biting the inside of my mouth in an attempt not to laugh. A-Hole: Now what if I wanted to put a thousand dollars into my truck and I only pumped one hundred dollars worth? SchweitzerMan: I suppose I would have to give you back nine hundred dollars. A-Hole: Well then I think I know what I’m going to do next time. We’ll see how clever you think you are. SchweitzerMan: OK. I knew he was trying to get some reaction out of me but I kept biting my cheek and decided to just have a blasé attitude about him from here on out. I suppose I could have informed him that his plan would not work, as the limit for debit here is about $700, but I decided to let him get excited enough to spray his shorts about getting one up on Flying J staff and wished him a good day. Sorry, but there’s no need to be an asshole. I don’t determine company policy otherwise I think I would be making a lot more money than I do at the moment and like I said, I would get paid for sleeping on the job. I've also decided to make it a policy to instruct customers not to refer to me as Jesus Christ. Every so often I'll have a customer like A-Hole and upon explaining the policy they seem to deem me their lord and saviour and cry, "Jesus Christ!" While it is flattering, I am afraid that it might offend any non-Christians in the workplace. That and I can't walk on water.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Star Trek

I’ve been a fan of Star Trek since I was about four years old. Granted, I had no idea what the hell was going on, can barely remember which episodes I watched and for some reason was afraid that Worf was going to come through the screen and kill me (again, I was four years old and had no idea that underneath all that makeup was just Michael Dorn).

I grew up on Star Trek: The Next Generation while my father’s generation and those before him grew up loving The Original Series. And after TNG ended, I followed all the other shows in the franchise very closely...except for Star Trek: Enterprise. I knew Enterprise would suck from the moment it was announced. Prequels suck with the exception to the Star Wars prequels though 10 years after being released I see that they are not quite the masterpieces I saw them to be when I was 12.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Silent Hill? More like Shitty Heap

A couple of Saturdays ago during dinner, my friend Aaron, his girlfriend Katelyn and I decided to sit down and watch one of the many illegally downloaded movies on his big screen TV. Not exactly sure how but we ended up watching Silent Hill.

Never have I been so bored watching what is supposed to be a "horror" movie. The characters were bland, stupid and most of their actions made no sense. I'm still confused as to how it all came back to the little girl, I don't know why I should care. I don't know why the mother initially ran from that cop.

Biggest thing was the ending. What the hell am I supposed to take from this? Are they dead? Is it a ghost world they live in? Why are they in that world? Is it an alternate reality? How did they get in, can they get out? And I don't care if I'm spoiling this for anyone. Fuck spoilers, I'm saving you money and time by warning you away from this heinous piece of shit.

Speaking of alternate realities, I have quite a bit to say about the new Star Trek movie

Back in to speak

Finally got myself a new laptop after weeks of delays and procrastination. Expect more updates, hopefully, as the weeks go on. Really liking the webcam that comes installed on this, might even start making video entries. Only downside is that means I would have to bathe more often to keep up a presentable appearance.

Been a bit behind on all the news websites I normally look at and am doing my best to catch up.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Harry Potter and The Two and a Half Hours of Mediocrity

I've read four out of the seven Harry Potter books. The first two I enjoyed a lot (Got through Chamber of Secrets in three days), the third one was good. 
Forth (Goblet of Fire) didn't really do anything to capture my attention and I quit as soon as that damn tournament started.
Bought Order of the Phoenix a week after it came out and have read it maybe twice. Not to say I didn't enjoy it because I thought it was brilliant. Then I stopped.
Never got around to reading Half Blood Prince or the last one. And it didn't bother me that much either. Saw the first two movies and enjoyed them. Decided to sit my ass down and watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince despite the long run time and I have to say that it felt pretty uneventful. None of the characters seemed to stand out in any way for me, it felt like a lot of things were happening yet nothing was really getting down, and I don't even I could think to call any scene a favourite. That and it felt like half a movie to me. The credits were rolling and I thought, "Oh, that's it?" By no means was it a bad movie but it also wasn't one that I'd sit through again. Maybe it's a good thing I stopped reading when I did.

Friday, October 16, 2009

The Ring and Pacquiao

For the past two years or so, I’ve made it my duty to purchase every monthly issue of The Ring magazine so that I can read some good articles and count the number of obvious spelling mistakes. 
However to find this month’s issue has been quite a struggle.
Apparently it was to hit shelves September 29. No such luck at any Chapters, magazine shop or any other outlet. For all of this month, whenever I found a bookstore I had to scope through the magazines, throwing MMA and professional wrestling magazines aside hoping to find the bright blue cover with Miguel Cotto and Manny Pacquiao rushing towards each other for a battle to come next month. 
Up until today I was worried that it was too far into the month that all copies must have been purchased or that they had been pulled. But when it seemed that hope was lost, there it was in a small convenience store in the mall in downtown Calgary. 
I loudly exclaimed “YES!” as I picked it up, probably looking like a massive tool in the process but happy nonetheless. As I paid for it, the young woman at the counter pointed to Pacquiao. 
“Do you like boxing?” she asked. 
“Love it.” 
“Do you like him?” 
 “Pacquiao? He’s great.”
The woman smiled. Being Filipino it wasn’t that surprising that she recognized the pound for pound king of boxing (Special note to Mayweather fans: Coming back and challenging a lightweight to a welterweight contest does not put you at the top of the list). Pacquiao is more famous in his country than Michael Jordon was in America.
“I don’t like boxing or a lot of sports…but when he’s fighting, I love to watch it. Is he fighting this month or next?”
“Next month,” I answered. “I can’t remember if it’s in New York or Las Vegas but it’s going to be a great fight.”

Pot and Crab Meat?

One of my favourite reality series (before it went to shit) was The Apprentice with Donald Trump. We used to watch it in business class when I was in high school and we would discuss it afterwards. Found a channel on youtube that has most of the episodes I remember back in the day. 
 Last night I had a dream that I was in New York City, on The Apprentice. I'm pretty sure it wasn't Celebrity Apprentice because I didn't recognize any of my teammates (Though maybe that means it was Celebrity Apprentice) and our task, not really having to do anything with business, but just to see who could get more people to sign a petition. I guess whoever was Team Leader decided that ours had to involve the legalization to sell marijuana and crab meat in the same package. Don't ask me what sense that made, I still can't figure that shit out.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Who is More Desperate?

Look at this cover and ask yourself that question: Who is more desperate?

A) Playboy- For thinking that this cover would boost sales and that grown men would rather beat off to a naked cartoon than fuck their wives?

B) Members of The Simpsons staff-For thinking that grown men would rather beat off to a naked cartoon than fuck their wives in a hope that people will start watching the show again and talk about it? And for thinking that anything they've done in the past 10 years has been funny 

C) Virgins and other grown men who buy this issue and beat off to a naked cartoon rather than fuck their wife?

Seriously, why else do men buy Playboy? Because they don't have internet. But for more obvious reasons, we want flesh, not flash animation. How this is different from all those anime porns the Japanese make is beyond me. To be fair, I haven't read the issue, nor do I intend to. There's plenty of free porn on the internet, why go to the local 7-Eleven to shill out $11 so you can beat off to Marge Simpson?

What makes this even more pathetic (and I apologize is this seems rantish) is that this is getting coverage on CNN (Not surprising considering Wolf Blitzer still has a job at that network) and a lot of other "legit" media outlets. I do realize that The Simpsons is an important show because without it we wouldn't have King of the Hill, Family Guy, American Dad or the Cleveland Show...actually considering that two out of those four have always sucked and that Family Guy while popular- is really tanking these days in terms of comedy, The Simpsons is to blame for most of the crap we see on TV.

Yeah, it's been around a long time (20 years!) but the show stopped being funny in 1999 and it won't be as popular again as it ever was back in the early 90's.

A friend of mine did a very good podcast some time ago about how the animated sitcom has fallen and it's a pity that this issue of Playboy didn't come out sooner because I would have loved to hear his and his friends' thoughts on the whole subject.

New Room

No longer confined to the stamp-book sized room of a Travelodge hotel, I'm now lodging in the computer room of Aaron and Katelyn's home. 
It's a nice warm room which is perfect considering that the outside has turned into a winter fall. I've been applying to jobs, hoping to get employment anywhere. My dad said that I have two weeks which is fine with me.
If I don't find anything here, I'm more than likely to move out to the Northwest as a last ditch effort. Sure to everyone else it might sound like prison but think about how many people have gone to prison and came out better? Not enjoying this weather too much but it's tolerable so long as I have a hat and gloves. Other than that, not much else to report. Plan on making my special veggie and meat sauce sometime this week (probably Thursday) in some way to show my thanks and keep myself busy.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Floundering thru Alberta

I'm here in Calgary looking for a new job because my broke ass hasn't been working in over 6 months. I'm cool about it all but the thing that is making this such a pain in the dick is that my dad insisted he come with me.
Well he used to live in Calgary...25 years ago but hey, the city can't change that much in one quarter of a century, right?...Right?
It has, sadly to his dismay (or delight). He keeps exclaiming, "Holy shit!" and "Ffffuck" whenever he sees something new that jumps out at him. This also means he's looking over my shoulder every three minutes, seeing what I'm writing on applications. He keeps getting excited and then exclaims, "Don't get excited." He's acting sorta like Flounder from Animal House.

Friday, September 25, 2009

5K Run

During the summer, every night at nine, I would put on my gym clothes, lace up my shoes and head out on the street, doing a 3.5 km (2.17 miles) run. I think when I first started out it took me 24 minutes to complete. Every time I run there are certain points where I just stop and walk for one minute, sort of simulating what a boxing round is like; I would sometimes run much longer than three minutes but I always kept the one minute rest in there. I got good, getting to the point where it took me just a little over 17 minutes to complete my course. However, what usually happens when I get into a running routine, I would sometimes tell myself that I could afford to take one night off. And as usual, one night off evolves into two, then a week, then three weeks and before I know it, when I start to get back into it, my timing gets worse than before. Last night I did a 5 km run for the first time. It took me 28:18 seconds which isn't bad when I checked and saw that I took a total of five and a half minutes of rest. I'm probably going to try and make this a nightly routine and hopefully my laziness won't get in the way again.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Screw Sean Connery; Wolf Blitzer is the new Celebrity Jeopardy Champion (and by 'Champion'...I mean Loser)

One of the best Saturday Night Live skits ever is when they do Celebrity Jeopardy. 
Will Ferrel played Trekbek and Darryl Hammond would play the immortal and highly arrogant Sean Connery while another cast member and the weekly guest would play other highly retarded celebrities. 

However, Wolf Blitzer may get a writing credit on SNL without even knowing it. 
 You would think that a CNN guy would be able to do better...especially against Andy Richter. I'm not saying that Conan O'Brien's sidekick is an idiot but you just wouldn't expect that to happen. It's like if Chris Farley were to beat Dan Rather at a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Kanye West is a Douchebag

While this may not come as a surprise to many people, last night's act of jack-assery on the part of West is just another example of why I think he sucks. 

Usually he pulls this kind of cry-baby crap when he doesn't win but I don't think Beyonce particularly cared whether she won or not considering that she wins award after award after award despite the fact that she is vastly overrated.
Good job on her part for being a bit outraged by the whole ordeal. Bonus points for inviting Swift up on stage to finish her acceptance speech when it was Beyonce's turn up at stage. West was booed repeatedly throughout the night despite the fact that security ejected his dumb (and possibly drunk) ass right after the incident.
Taylor Swift, I don't know too much about but she seemed to handle it quite well. If it were me up there, I would have ended my speech with, "Thanks a lot, asshole."

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Chef Andrew? Hell no

Lately I've found myself doing a lot more cooking than I used to. Last week I fixed my own spaghetti sauce and today did the same thing but using all fresh tomatoes from my mother's garden. The desire to cook has been coming from two sources of inspiration: 

 1) Gordon Ramsay-Host of Hell's Kitchen, The F Word, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares etc etc. Despite his insistance that he's not a celebrity chef, it's hard not to attach that label to him. But his F Word recipies (mostly desserts) have intrigued me to try and make souffles and hot chocolate fondants as well as experiment with fresh scallops and other ingredients that I hadn't considered in the past. Plus his method for telling how well a steak is cooked has really helped me. That and I find it hard to ignore a guy who swears every other word. 

 2) Marco Pierre White-Not as popular outside the culinary world as Ramsay is but in Britain, this is the man regarded as the greatest of all the chefs. Despite the fact that he's been retired for over 10 years, his influence his still enourmous. Not so much of a TV celebrity like Ramsay, but his program Marco's Great British Feast exposed me to all new ideas for food. I've already made one of his puddings (that's what they call dessert; wonder what they call actual pudding?), altough I did overwhip the cream which screwed me over, and it was alright. 

 With all this cooking I've been doing, my parents have been asking me if I want to go back to school and work towards becoming a chef. I might if I was just turning 18 but I've already decided what I want to do with my life. The cooking is a hobby...but one I like to take seriously. Tomorrow (depending on when I get home from my temp job doing landscaping) I'm going to try and make crème brûlée. While I don't have a small blowtorch to caramelize the sugar topping, I'm hoping the broiler will do just fine.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Another reason to hate Abercrombie & Fitch

Aside from giving Mad TV excellent material to parody these douchebags, the only reason you hear anything about them is because someone who didn't have blonde hair or blue eyes got treated like shit by staff. 

Monday, September 7, 2009


First posts are always hard because if you're lucky enough to have people who want to read your blog, you have to put something in that will keep them interested and wanting to come back. But since I'm neither charming nor any of that other good stuff, I'm just going to try and do daily commentary on stuff that I see going on in the news, talk about what I like, don't like etc etc. I graduated from a two year journalism program, and am now currently unemployed. Hopefully that will change soon

Behind the Scenes

It almost sounds a bit strange for me to actually say it out loud but for the past year, I've been making comics. Certainly not on a pro...