Movie Review: "What We Left Behind: Looking Back at Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"

I remember back in May of 1994, it was the finale to Star Trek: The Next Generation and the build up to this finale was massive. A show that had a bumpy beginning had now become the most popular show on television and they were bowing out and it seemed like everyone was treating this as the big deal I, as a seven year old, knew it to be.
The finale lived up to the hype, was a perfect way to wrap up the series and cap off a season where the show was starting to run out of ideas.

When Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ended in June of 1999...it barely made a blip on the entertainment radar.

"Sensors confirm no coverage from Entertainment Tonight or Entertainment Weekly, Captain."

Fangasm

I don't need to tell you guys that I'm a huge Star Trek fan (I'm not sure whether the term "Trekkie" or "Trekker" is appropriate) and was thrilled last year when I got to attend the Calgary Expo and get the autograph of one Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker) as well as the awesome Maurice LaMarche (The Brain).

Sometime last week I was browsing through Facebook and got some info from the Calgary Expo's page. Apparently attending the convention, among guest stars Adam West and Robert Englund, was going to include not one, two...but ALL main cast members of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

"Captain, sensors are detecting four Romulan Warbirds surrounding us. Is now really the best time to strike a pose?"

Yeah, I nearly got a boner over that news. Look, back 18 years ago, TNG was the best show on television and whenever I can catch it, I'll give it a watch. Hell, for as big a fan as I am, there are still episodes of that show I haven't seen; and I'm a guy who sat through all of DS9 and Voyager.

The cast is going to be taking part in a large Q&A panel one of the three days of the convention so I'll be trying to attend that because apparently the whole cast hasn't done one together in almost 20 years. So yeah...kind of a big thing. I gotta wonder though, if I got a chance to ask them something, what would I ask. All sorts of possibilities...

Chances are some dumb fan will want to ask Denise Crosby if she could see Tasha hooking up with Data had she not left the show midway through the first season.

Fans think that because they had drunken sex, they must have been in love. The people who think this, coincidentally, have never had sex, drunken or otherwise

If you are that dumb fan, let me hit you with a photon torpedo of knowledge: Denise Crosby herself said, that she would have stayed on the show had she had more scenes between her and Worf like in her final episode Skin of Evil. In that scene, there are some hints that there might be an attraction between the two characters.

But Tasha and Data...well they only did it because they were under the influence of the Psi 2000 virus in The Naked Now. I mean, come on, she knew it was a mistake and afterwards went up to Data and said, "It never happened." However, when she said that, a bunch of fanfic writers heard, "Data, I secretly lust for you!"

OK...back to what I was thinking before: If I had a chance to ask each member of The Next Generation cast a question...what would I ask?

Sir Partick Stewart (Captain Jean-Luc Picard):

-Do you like Earl Gray tea?

-How often do you get mistaken for Telly Savalas?

-Whenever you go to the dentist and you're in the chair, does he ask you how many lights you see?

Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker)

-Is it fair to say that your beard is the best thing that ever happened to you?

-How much blame do you accept for Star Trek: Insurrection?

-If they ever made a live action Gargoyles movie, would you want to play Xanatos?

Michael Dorn (Lt. Commander Worf)

-How glad were you that Worf on DS9 was the total badass that he was supposed to be...but wasn't on TNG?

-Is there anyone who, if they were any other man, you would kill where they stand? (FYI: My dad loves that line from Star Trek: First Contact)
-What's it like kissing Terry Farrel? Cause I always wanted to do that when I was a kid.

"I am Worf. I go by one name, just like Cher."


Brent Spiner (Lt. Commander Data)
-Is it true you hated Spot?
-Is it true you're currently voicing the Joker in the Young Justice series?
-What did you think of them making Data so annoying in Star Trek: Generations?


Marina Sirtis (Counsellor Deanna Troi)
-Does it bother you that most people find your character useless?
-Who's the better kisser, Frakes or Dorn?
-Uh, what's with all the TNG cast members being on Gargoyles? Though seriously, I thought you were great as Demona.


LeVar Burton (Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge)
-You've gone on record criticizing Nemesis. If JJ Abrams was behind a new movie with your crew, what would you like to see?
-Why did all the bad stuff happen to your character?
-Why did they have to cancel Reading Rainbow?


Gates McFadden (Dr. Beverly Crusher)
-Were you surprised to be asked back for the third season after being absent completely for the second?
-How come the writers never had you do much in the movies?
-Ever have some idiot consult you for medical advice?


Denise Crosby (Lt. Tasha Yar)
-OK, looking back at it, was leaving the show the worst decision ever?
-Would you have appeared as Sela in Star Trek: Nemesis?


Wil Weaton (Ensign Wesley Crusher)
-You're the fat kid from Stand By Me, right?
-Were you the kid with glasses from Stand By Me?
-Wait, I'm sorry, you played the kid everyone hated in that sci-fi series back in the 90's. OK, my question is, did you always want to play Anakin Skywalker?
-OK, real question, how come you weren't in the final episode, All Good Things?

Relax, I would never ask questions so stupid. Chances are if I did get a chance to ask them all a question it would be something cheesy like, What was the best episode you guys ever did? or Would you ever be interested in seeing a reboot done to your show like they did with the last movie?

Either way, I'm really looking forward to this convention, getting some autographs (I urge people to get a free autograph from voice artists whenever you can. They're so nice, very friendly and will more than likely break into character at the drop of a hat. Plus no damn fees for pictures), new reading material, novelty clothes and maybe pick up some art. I got a few pictures last year but they seem more appropriate for a scrapbook. Still, I can't wait to see what the Calgary Expo has for us later this year.

My Favourite Christmas Themed Entertainment

Last year around this time I presented to you my list of The Greatest Christmas Specials Never, a list of Christmas specials that we sadly never got to see (My sister thought the Full House one was real). However this year, I think I'm going to go over some of my favourite Christmas themed episodes from TV series as well as movies that some people may not pay much attention to. So without further ado, grab yourself some egg-nog, sit down and enjoy my list of Favourite Christmas Themed Entertainment EVER!!!

1) Batman: The Animated Series-"Christmas With the Joker"

OK, if you don't like this show at all (I'm looking at you, Katelynn) then I have to question your sanity. And if you can't enjoy watching Batman and Robin trying to stop the Joker from killing three of our favourite side characters on Christmas eve, then you lack a soul.

One of the many things that made this series work was that they had an incredible cast of voice actors. Every voice suited the character it belonged to and no greater example could be made than Mark Hamill as the Joker. I'm sorry, a part of me still can't believe that freakin' Luke Skywalker voiced Batman's greatest nemesis. And Hamill just shines in this episode, from the opening scene where he escapes from Arkham Asylum (He waves goodbye to Charles Manson just before exiting-I shit you not) to when he uses a sock puppet to blow up a bridge that a train is crossing. You can laugh along with him and at the same time he has enough of an edge that makes you think, "Yeah, I'm not fuckin' with this dude."

Looking like this and still managing to be threatening is why Mark Hamill is the best Joker. Sorry, Heath

Apparently the Joker was originally supposed to kidnap some random family but the network had the writers change it to Commissioner Gordon and the lot because a random family might have been frightening to younger audiences. Look, I think I was six when this episode first aired and nothing about this show ever frightened me.

It's a great episode from a great series and the perfect way to put you in the crime-fighting mood this holiday season.

2) A Pinky and the Brain Christmas

According to my father, he came home from work early one morning, turned on the TV and caught and episode of the awesome Pinky and the Brain and was hooked. We watched it when it aired in prime time on Sunday nights and we loved it. So when we found out that there was going to be a full half-hour Christmas special, we knew that we had to tape it for him.

Going undercover as elves at the North Pole, our two favourite rodents bent on global domination attempt to have Santa plant a brainwashing toy in every house throughout the world. Of course things can't go right and that's where the episode shines in terms of comedy and moments that tug at your heart.

I watched this episode just yesterday and I can honestly say that near the end as the Brain reads Pinky's letter I was getting misty eyed.

Yeah, that show A) how emotionally screwed up I am and B) that this show truly was one of the best things on TV at the time. I haven't been able to catch it on TV in years and was lucky to find it online but if you're fumbling around cable and happen to see it on your program guide, stop what you're doing for 30 minutes and watch this because it is genius that's currently lacking in today's TV programs.

A quick note: When we watched this in 1996, the scene where Brain screams at Pinky, "Give me that stupid letter" caused me and my sisters to laugh and say, "That's Dad."

3) Batman Returns

This movie takes place around Christmastime and for some reason I really get in the mood to watch it around this time of year. I don't know, maybe it has something to do with a recent podcast I did with The Basement Vagrants but for the past few days I've had this movie on my mind.

Is it a perfect movie? No, not really but in a way it seems perfect for it's time and a good adaptation of the Caped Crusader. However it is entertaining and doesn't leave me bored. I remember being a little kid, begging my parents to let me see this movie. Sadly, at the time, they sucked as parents and said no. However that didn't stop them from buying me Batman toys and storybooks based on the movie that was apparently too violent and vulgar for me. Hypocrisy much, Mom and Dad?

PS: I think the Wayne Manor/Batcave playset is still in their crawlspace and for sale I might add. We shall start the bidding at $1000

I think I might even have the box this came in

4) Gordon Ramsay Christmas Specials

If food porn like this doesn't have you salivating for holiday meals, then I don't know what will. True story, last year when I was home for Christmas, I showed this video to my Dad, who immediately demanded I go out and by croissants and smoked salmon. This was Christmas eve but I was able to get it done cause I'm awesome. We made this Christmas morning just like Ramsay shows you and it was really amazing.

5) Almost Every Christmas Themed Sketch from Mad TV

I'm sure I've said it before but I'll say it again: During the mid 90's to early 2000's, Mad TV did stuff that would have me in stitches while Saturday Night Live was descending into the mediocrity it happily resides at today. It can't hold a candle to what Mad TV was doing and it's a pity that the seasons haven't been released on DVD yet. Anyway, there are so many sketches to go over so I'll just give a quick rundown of some of my favourite Christmas themed sketches from Mad TV.

A) Magic Johnson's Kwanzaa Special

Aries Spears is someone who could make my Dad laugh doing anything and he was in top form when parodying former NBA superstar and failed talk show host, Magic Johnson. While they could have gone the easy route and makes jokes about Johnson being HIV positive, Spears plays him as an illiterate idiot, being cancelled by the networks at every turn. I think what also makes this sketch work is Pat Kilbane as Al Gore. I can honestly see the former VP going up to Magic and saying, "As salaam alaikum".

B) Rooftop Memories

When I was younger, I would be the one who would heave to help my parents put up the lights around the house for the holidays. Now that I don't live there anymore, I don't know who helps or even if they bother to put up the lights. However, if they are still putting them out, I imagine this is how it usually goes.

C) Opening Christmas Presents from Mom

I'm not going to name names, but at least over ten years ago, I recall a girl I know being worried around Christmas because she was afraid she would appear ungrateful by not showing enough verbal excitement over what she was given. It had her worked up to the point of tears which made me want to smack the stupid out of her.

Anyway, this sketch reminds me of her. While everyone is opening up their presents they receive from the mother, despite the excitement over what they're getting, she seems to think that they hate their gifts. The sketch reaches it's comedy climax when Alex Borestein screams, "What is your problem, you rag bitch!?" This is a common line when opening Christmas presents at my house.

D) Holiday Fantanas

I've never had a Fanta drink in my life so I don't know if they are as good as this sketch claims. However Paul Vogt, the actor who plays Beth, apparently took inspiration for his character by viewing footage of my younger sister drunk on the Internet. He has her mannerisms down pat.

E) Santa's Real Workshop

Look, we all know that toys aren't made at the North Pole, so what would happen if a little kid found out where all of Santa's workforce comes from?

Plus, I wish I could be like this Santa. Just walking around all day, pelting people with sugar cubes.

F) Stuart's Nativity Play

What kind of Mad TV list would this be without an entry involving Stuart?

For as many people I know who love Michael McDonald's signature character, there are just as many who HATE this character. I think the people who hate Stuart are more upset that kids like him exist in real life and have parents that are just as doting and blind as Doreen. This is your average Stuart sketch, him being bratty, somehow getting down to bikini briefs and saying, "Look what I can do!" but at the same time, it's Stuart playing Jesus. You don't see that everyday.

G) Suge Knight's Christmas Album

Again, with just the simple motion of opening his eyes really wide with his with that our family come join his for the holidays, Aries Spears had my dad in stitches. The Eminem parody might be a bit off today but ten years ago that was dead on.

H) Paul Timberman, Christmas Tree Episode

The joke in my family is that this character is based on my Opa, who has had several injuries in his life but never quite to the extreme as poor Paul Timberman.

I) Tickle Me Emo

This was one of the few Mad TV sketches that was able to get the YouTube treatment with people making hundreds of copies of it. This was a hilarious take on those damned Tickle Me Asshole Elmo dolls which came out at the time. What surprised me about that video was the debates some people would get into about Emo's. Some objected to Emo having a My Chemical Romance sticker on his vest but who gives a shit. It's funny. Laugh, damn you!!!

6) Mickey's Christmas Carol

I remember having this on tape as a little kid and probably haven't seen it in over 20 years. It's a very faithful adaptation of the Dickens classic and shorter than I remember considering that they are able to cram it into a half hour short feature. A lot of today's younger generation probably won't recognize some of the characters from less familiar Disney features but they're bound to enjoy it nonetheless. The scene with Scrooge falling into his grave near the end always freaked the shit out of me.
Say what you want about Disney being for little kids, it's a hell of a lot better than that damn adaptation with Jim Carrey from two years ago.

7) The Muppet Christmas Carol

I was bored last weekend and decided to see if this was any good and despite being mostly marketed at kids, this was actually pretty well done and more faithful than the Disney version above. Plus, it's got frickin' Michael Caine as Scrooge and he's awesome in almost everything.

What I actually like about this is that there aren't any familiar muppets as the three spirits that visit Scrooge. In fact, most people compare them to Harry Potter characters than anything Jim Henson created. It's your usual Muppet tale with humans interacting with creatures like it's an everyday thing and stuff like fruits and vegetables talking (Who eats that stuff?) and was the first Muppet movie made after Jim Henson died.
I think he'd be impressed with what they did.

Speaking of a Christmas Carol, I was hoping to find the 1999 version with Patrick Stewart but all I can find is just trailers from YouTube. I'm a bit let down that people nerdier than me haven't uploaded it because it's fucking Captain Picard playing Scrooge. Who wouldn't love to see that?

Bringing Real Life to Sesame Street

Like a lot of kids, I watched Sesame Street when I was a little kid. By the time you're about four years old you've outgrown it but still, it's one of the first TV shows that you watch. And you can probably remember most of the characters: Big Bird, Snuffy, Grover, Elmo and of course Ernie and Bert.

Now, before I get into this whole controversy about the petition to get them married, let me just say that this never occurred to me until I was about 12. That was when Jerry Falwell was railing against the Teletubby known as Tinky Winky, insisting that he was a homosexual character. I remember a comedian suggesting that if Falwell go after any characters that were supposedly gay, he should go after Bert and Ernie.

Can you tell me how to get the hell out of this neighbourhood?

And yeah, everyone's joked about this but in all seriousness, come on, do you really think this stupid petition is going to work? They're fucking muppets, they don't have a sexual orientation. But I've seen things from the other side and thought, "Why should we stop with gay marriage for Bert and Ernie? Shouldn't this show cover other hot topic issues that younger audiences might care about?" I thought so and that's why I wrote a letter to Childrens Television Workshop, detailing some very interesting storylines which I'm sure views will enjoy.

1. Immigration-Maria and Luis decide to go on a cross country road trip but encounter some trouble when they enter the state of Arizona. It turns out that Luis has been living in the country illegally and now faces deportation! The residents of Sesame Street rally to try and get a good lawyer as well as teach children outside of North America how to keep a low profile while waiting for your fake green card to arrive in the mail.

Naturally I don't think this would work in real life because, I mean, come on, Sesame Street teaching kids to break the law? You're more likely to find an episode of Barney where he teaches those kids how to roll a joint.

This would attract the 18-39 demographic that always eludes them...

2. Hoarding-After black mold nearly kills him, Oscar the Grouch is confronted by the residents of Sesame Street about his lifestyle. It is revealed that Oscar has abandonment issues and fears losing everything of value which is why he holds onto everything...even if it really has no value. It is also revealed that Oscar hasn't bathed since the Truman administration.

This will be a great chance for Sesame Street to do a crossover with A&E's Hoarders. Plus, it'll teach children at an early age that no matter how bad you think your own life is, there's always someone on TV you can point to and say, "Holy shit, that dude's messed up!"

3. Narcissism-Elmo gets his ass kicked by people who are sick and tired of his dumb 'Tickle-Me' ass always speaking in the third person. He is encouraged to get well but also told that it will probably happen again unless he doesn't change his ways.

I don't care if I sound like a total asshole when I call for the beating and near death of a "beloved" television character. Would you want your kid to grow up always referring to themselves in the third person? No, it's annoying and you'd kick their ass if they weren't your kid. And if you say you wouldn't then you need your ass kicked.

Someone has to stop him...

4. Addiction-Everyone knows that Big Bird's best friend is Mr. Snuffeupagus, also commonly referred to as "Snuffy". But it is revealed that the nickname comes not from a shortening of his last name, but due to his addiction to cocaine. Snuffy is caught by Big Bird doing three lines of cocaine, each line a metre long. He insists that he can quit anytime but decides to go to rehab after nearly ODing outside Mr. Hooper's store.

This would be a great episode to show kids that it's OK to ask for help when you've really fucked up. And it would also show that if you care enough about your friends, you'll do anything you can to help them. Plus it would include special guest star Charlie Sheen as himself.

The way this guy spoke, you knew he was on something illegal

5. Facing Facts-I'm not sure about the rest of you, but sometimes when I was a little kid, I wasn't sure if Big Bird was a guy or just a really butchy female bird. Now it's obvious that he's a boy but since we're trying to cater to all audiences, why not just have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite?

Why not? Come on, everyone knows this one is true. You can have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite and have special guest star Lady Gaga do the same thing. That and have someone beat her up for her narcissism as well.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me. And I thought Paris Hilton was desperate for attention

Tracy Morgan Was Never Funny to Begin With

Last night, I was at Denny's where a friend of mine works as a waiter. He went out for a smoke break and came back into the restaurant looking at his iPhone.

"Hey, you know Tracy Morgan from 30 Rock?"

I don't watch 30 Rock because I don't think it's funny but I know of Morgan's work from SNL where most of his characters did the same thing every god damn time.

"Apparently he went on some big anti-gay rant at a comedy club and said he would stab his son if he was gay."

"Oh nice," I said.

"Yeah, he's already apologized for it but..."

"But something tell me you won't see Reverend Sharpton or Jesse Jackson getting on his case."

My waiter friend is gay but most people either don't know or don't care, however one thing we both don't like are bigots. When I got home this morning I saw that the news was all over the Internet, mostly because he had apologized for the rant, but that was only because someone posted a note about it on their Facebook page.

While I would like to make a post using Morgan's words as another example of how Hollywood isn't really tolerant of gay people and views them more like pets, I've decided not to and focus more on Morgan's so called "comedy" act. Personally, while I sympathize with the guy who wrote the Facebook note, he shouldn't be surprised that he went to see Tracy Morgan do stand up and didn't find the act funny. Seriously, before writing this blog, I watched about more than a half hour of Morgan's stand up routines on YouTube and didn't laugh once. Not once.

Maybe my lip twitched at one point, but I think I was being a bit generous with that reaction. Tracy Morgan's whole act is to mumble/slur through his lines like some retarded mush-mouth extra from Roots who thinks he's a comedy genius because he uses the word 'mofokin' every five words or so.

Right now he's getting defense from people like Tina Fey and Chris Rock but comedian Wanda Sykes, who is a lesbian, is pretty upset about it. I'm not going to say that a comedian can't say stuff that pushes the envelope but at the same time...shouldn't it contain some comedy? Personally, I don't see something funny in a father admitting that he would stab his son to death if he was gay. I'm also not going to get on an imaginary high horse and pretend like me or my friends have never made fun of gay people but everything we said was never hateful or calling for death. Hell, all it consists of is implying that we might be attracted to one another. It's all in good fun...I hope anyway.

Look, I know he's apologized, but he did it almost a week after the incident and chances are that he wouldn't have if word didn't get out about it. He's going to get a lot of flack from gay people about it and chances are that this will drive 30 Rock's ratings even lower (To the point where they'd be a show on The WB network) and he'll eventually have to do one of those stupid "It Gets Better" commercials.

I'd continue on but I think I gave this unfunny assclown enough attention, so I'll leave you with a tweet from former Star Trek actor George Takei.

Tracy Morgan, you will always be George Takei's bitch

Who Called It?

Back a few weeks ago, you might recall my opinions on Donald Trump trying to be the first orange man elected President (Seriously, dude, lay off the spray-tan. You're not Lindsay Lohan) and how he would later announce his candidacy on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well it turns out that this won't be the case because...the finale's already been filmed and even NBC has come clean about it. Yep, like I said before, this was a publicity stunt to bolster ratings for his reality show that no one really cares about anymore in an attempt for him to say, "The Apprentice is the number one show on television!" and drag that line out for at least a year.

"Curses, foiled again!!!"


I did imagine upon hearing this news that the Donald is going to comment that NBC is somehow mistaken about the progress of a TV show that airs on their own network and he will make an announcement but even his own spokesman basically said, "Yeah, my boss is full of shit."

Wow, not even into the campaign and you've already stepped in it Donald. Look, I can imagine this has been a rough month for you, what with Obama releasing his birth certificate and while you still tried to grill his ass about it, he was busy getting ready to kill Osama bin Laden. Now you could have gotten on him about taking sixteen hours to make up his mind but you blew it. Now it's back to The Apprentice and hoping that people will give a shit about anything you do.

How Trump envisioned the Obama administration to view his non-announcement on Celebrity Apprentice

Rot in Hell, OBL

I remember being fifteen years old when 9/11 happened. Up until then, I had always been waiting for the "Where Were You?" moment for my generation. My dad's generation had the Kennedy assassinations, Watergate, the attempted assassination of Reagan and the Challenger explosion. The closest that people my age ever got to that sort of moment was the Clinton sex scandal but that wasn't one of those moments that made you stop dead in your tracks. 9/11 was what got me interested in American politics and journalism.

Now you may find this hard to believe, but when I watched the crumbling towers on that unforgettable Tuesday morning, I knew for sure that it was the work of Osama bin Laden. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, you're full of shit" but the truth was that I did. I had read and watched reports of his previous terrorist attacks in Kenya and on the USS Cole so it just made sense.

This always just confused the shit out of me

I personally thought that bin Laden would always escape capture and/or assassination. I also thought it was a bit strange that the FBI had him on their Ten Most Wanted List. I mean, do you really expect the world's most wanted terrorist to be hiding out in Akron, Ohio? So you can imagine my surprise when I came home around nine o'clock last night with my Burger King to see M'Lord watching the TV and telling me the news.

M'Lord: Hey, dude. D'you hear the news?

SchweitzerMan: What news?

M'Lord: Osama bin Laden's been killed.

SchweitzerMan: What? Holy _______ _____!!!

That kept me up later than I thought I would be, constantly watching news reports and reading updated websites.

There's a lot of debate going on right now in the White House whether they should release photos of his body. I personally don't see any reason why they shouldn't and I'm surprised that it hasn't been leaked already. Hell, just Google "Osama dead" and you'll probably find a good photoshop job that'll fool you for a few minutes until you look closely at it.

What I find most amusing about this situation is that President Obama decided to make the announcement about Osama's assassination in the middle of Celebrity Apprentice. The dude's gotta feel pretty good that he can rub this in his face and make Trump look like an even bigger jackass.

Now Trump is demanding that Obama release bin Laden's death certificate

You Don't Need to See It to Know It Sucks

It's the weekend for me, which means I'm awake at ungodly hours. And since nothing is open aside from the 24/7 gas bars, I've decided that I would browse the internet looking for Christmas presents that I might want to get from willing family members this year.

I was planning on making a blog post about how I got wasted two weeks ago but decided against it because the way I was writing it sucked as well as it just seemed too detailed. So instead I'll give give you the Coles Notes version of my drunken drunkenness:

-I laugh like Amadeus when I'm drunk

-I seem to take great offense when not being allowed to pay for my share of food/drink

-I offered a toonie, though that it was rejected, only to find out that Aaron took it and bought coffee with it the next day

-I had trouble opening my wooden fence to get home

-Apparently Aaron and I are going to Las Vegas...someday, I guess.

-I have no idea what the hell I was drinking. I thought it was black but Aaron later told me that what I was drinking wasn't black in colour, but gold.

-I write the dumbest text messages when I'm drunk.

Insert retarded laughter here

However, me acting like my younger sister aside, I'd like to talk about something I once again saw on Youtube. No, not another banned Tiny Toons episode where Buster gets hooked on crystal meth. I'm talking about something that sounds even more ridiculous and in a fair world would be banned just as quickly.

Oh, GOD!!!!

Yes, it seems that once again Hollywood has decided to run their hands through precious childhood memories, rape them, abort them, cook it in a stew seasoned with their own feces and then serve it to us through our asses.

Wait, what am I talking about when I say 'childhood memories'? Yogi Bear wasn't a part of my childhood. I mean, yeah, I've heard of him but I never watched him. Hell, I doubt I've even watched a shitty Yogi Bear special that they aired during the 90's like they did with other Hanna Barbara series. Had I seen The Jetsons or The Flinstones? Oh, yeah, but not Yogi Bear. That was stuff my parents most likely watched when they were kids and I don't even think a person their age would want to see this film.

And honestly, why would anyone? Yogi Bear isn't relevant now, nor was he ever. Hell, the movie doesn't look very relevant, just watch the trailer. It's OK, go ahead, waste three minutes of your life.I wouldn't talk, asshole. Not even Bill Murray could help an unfunny movie adaptation of an unfunny comic strip

Well, now that you're back from that. What did we learn about this movie? Well, as I mentioned before, the rape of childhood memories for people in nursing homes but what else? Here are a few observations I've made.

1. Goddamn CGI-You know, I'm really getting tired of seeing live action mixed with CGI. It doesn't look real at all, it looks so out of place. It's not like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where there was an explination for the toons interacting with real people. Here, it just seems so fake and I wonder if I'm watching some alternate reality or something.

2. Justin Timberlake as Boo-Boo-I don't know why people make such a big deal out of Justin Timberlake. I'm not saying he's not talented but at the same time I think he is very overrated. And yet people keep putting him in movies for some reason that continues to baffle me.

Anyway, if you didn't notice before, it just doesn't sound like Justin Timberlake. I can believe that it is Dan Akroyd voicing Yogi because he's a comedian and they know how to do funny voices but with Timerlake, I just feel like his voice has been digitally altered. It's almost as if someone combined HAL 9000 and the boredom of an emo kid and put them in the body of a CGI bear.

Oh and if his voice is being digitally altered to the point where we can't recognize him, then what the fuck is point of casting him? Seriously, it's like in those shitty Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. What is the point of having Justin Long play Alvin if you can make anybody's voice go high pitch? Shit, I used to do it on an old tape recorder back when I was four. For Christ sake, why not just have that annoying Fred from Youtube play all of the chipmunks?

Just what do you think you're doing, Yogi?

3. Did Anyone Find The Plot?-I'm not joking. Usually when you have a trailer that's over two minutes, you have some idea of what the plot is about...well, a good trailer is like that. It gives you some idea. This, all it really is is just a bunch of gags about "pic-a-nics" and nothing else.

To the producers of this movie, we already know that this is going to suck ass, but you're reinforcing that fact when you hide the plot from everybody and try to cover it with a bunch of gags about food.

So yeah, I have to wonder, what in the hell happened to an original idea in Hollywood? I'm not joking, everything is either some shitty remake and every good original idea that comes around gets ass-raped by sequels that it diminishes how good the first one was. However, it doesn't look like you can top the shit pile that Yogi Bear will be.

Fock every focking focker who thinks this focking movie will be focking funny because it won't be! It'll focking suck like the first two!!!

OK...now that I got that out of my system...I'm sure that nothing in the next few months will be as unnecessary and facepalmingly awful as Little Fuckwads.

...Just focking kill me now

The Animators Were Drunk

I was born in the 1980's but most of my memories start around 1990. And unless you weren't around or an idiot, the 1990s had the best cartoons ever! You didn't realize it at the time because if you were like me, it was a cartoon and any cartoon was a good cartoon. But as you got older and with the advent of YouTube, you realized how amazing shows like Batman: The Animated Series, Animaniacs, Gargoyles and Pinky and the Brain were better than most of the stuff we've got today. Plus, you finally got some of the jokes you wouldn't get when you were four years old.

However one of the first cartoons I can remember watching was Tiny Toon Adventures, another beloved gem from the 1990s. This morning at around 5:30 (Shut up, I work odd hours and I have even odder hours when I'm not working), I was stumbling around YouTube looking for obscure videos when I saw a link to a video declaring itself to be a banned episode of Tiny Toon Adventures.

One of the many contributing factors of me being the man-child I am today

I clicked on it, expecting it to be a bad dubbing hoping to catch a little bit of notoriety like the guys who made The Juggernaut Bitch! but it turns out that no, what I'm seeing is real. A segment called One Beer where Buster, Plucky and Hamton find a bottle of beer, drink it and spend the rest of the episode totally wasted actually aired back in 1991.

I'm not kidding. Buster even says at one point, "Are we wasted or what? HAAAA!", which I find funny simply because it's a blue rabbit with a duck and a pig admitting they're drunk and also because Buster's line has become my younger sister's catchphrase.

What I also find hilarious is that it's clearly stated that this is the only beer that they've had. I mean, yeah, I'm a lightweight but holy hell, one beer, split between three cartoon animals and suddenly they make Amy Winehouse look like...uh, you know what, they're not as drunk as Amy Winehouse.

After Tiny Toons went off the air, Buster Bunny partied hard with Robert Downey Jr until an accidental overdose took his life in 2001

So you might be thinking, "OK, they get drunk, learn how damaging alcohol can be to their bodies and minds and in the end they vow never to drink again", right?
Wrong!
Instead, our heroes decide that they need to make life a lot more exciting by stealing a police car and pulling a DWI. Yeah, they're still drunk after splitting one bottle of beer three-ways and decide to steal a police car.

Why can't we have more cartoons like this? I'm not joking, air it in prime time and have all the stars of Tiny Toons just acting like total assholes, stealing cars, getting drunk, picking fights with people smaller than them. Why the hell isn't anyone making this a reality yet?

Plucky Duck made a decent living as an amateur photographer, however nothing could help his gambling addiction. He was later executed by a loan shark for failing to make payment

By now you're thinking, "OK, they steal a car, go on a high speed chase OJ style, get arrested and learn the evils of alcohol, right...right?"
Well if by that you mean they drive up a spiralling road and then fly off the edge to their deaths...then yeah, that's exactly what happens.

So, Buster, Plucky and Hamton are dead...or are they?
No, of course not. It turns out that they were just filming a sketch for the show...sorta like breaking the fourth wall. It turns out the whole episode dealt with PSA-ish type sketches including illiteracy and bullying.

After years of dealing with obesity and depression, Hamton J. Pig finally snapped and robbed a bank in 1997. He was later arrested and is currently serving 20 to life.

Naturally concerned parents freaked out because now children were watching their favourite cartoon characters get plastered and eventually kill themselves, so it was never aired again in the United States. So let's get this straight, we can show people getting hit with blunt objects which would cause severe brain damage and survivng explosions every other episode but once we show someone drinking, that's a step too far?

I don't see the harm in that segment and personally find it funny. It's not preachy, beating you over the head with it's message. Although to be fair, they should have warned kids not to start drinking until they were in high school and could get a fake ID.

And that last sentence is another reason why I should not be allowed to have children.

That's the Chicago Way!

I'm 24 years old right now. I still consider myself pretty young and most people would agree that I act a lot younger than my age. I don't really look forward to getting old but after browsing the news today, I can't help but count the days until I turn 65. Because then I can shoot people...and get away with it. Come on, if it applies to her then certainly good ol' Schweitzer-Man should get the same deal in 2051.

Can you just imagine that? You're some young punk thinking you can fuck around with old man Alzheimer when all of a sudden-BANG!!!-you've been shot in the stomach and you're bleeding pretty badly. Not enough to kill you, but enough to make you wish you were dead.

"That's the Schweitzer way!"

The big kick that I get out of this is that the kid who got shot is the one who could be facing time behind bars. Actually, I'm not sure what's funnier, the fact that the kid could go to jail or that a lot of people in the neighbourhood are jealous that this old bag got to do it first.

And she gets off with not even a slap on the wrist. Holy shit, this has got to piss off those people who claim they drive halfway across town in their sleep to kill their mother-in-law.

Even cooler is that by the year 2051, weapons technology will have advanced so far that there will be all new ways to terrorize the little whippersnappers who try to mess with me. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the phasers from Star Trek are household items by that time. Those kids better hope they're not wearing a red shirt.

I told you stay off my lawn, you little bastard!

Vote for Pedro, I mean Bieber

Most people who know me know that I take a big interest in American politics. I have ever since 9/11 and it's probably what got me interested in paying attention to the news and into journalism. It lead to me acting like an absolute know-it-all jackass in my Politics class.

And one thing you may not know about me is that I don't like Justin Beiber.
At all. I don't understand the appeal and I don't understand why he's got people like Usher and Ludacris appearing in his music videos. Does he have footage of them engaging in gay sex or murdering someone?
Plus, why are girls going nuts about him? Do they even look at this guy? Every time I see him, I think I'm looking at Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.

"I've seen Usher do things you don't wanna know about!"

I'm not one of these psychos who want him to die a horrible death, I just wish he would sound like he's hit puberty when he's singing about how he's in love with a girl. Look, I'm sure he's a very nice guy but...I don't know, he just seems very wimpy.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject. With the 2010 midterm elections coming up in November, it's becoming more and more clear that the Republicans are going to take back most of the seats they lost four years ago as well as gaining some new ones. Quite a turnaround considering that after 2008 people thought the Republican party was obsolete.

With the Obamamentum (Someone see if that word's trademarked or not) over with, the Democrats are getting more and more desperate but the strategy of blaming George W. Bush doesn't seem to be working like it has in past years. So, in their own desperation, they decided that the best way to appeal to the American voter would be to use an underage Canadian.

Yeah, now that you're back from that and changed your pants since you most likely pissed them, let's go over a few things.

I guess he watched the video...

Why is this in black and white? You're trying to hard to be edgy. Just show it in colour, stop being so pretentious. It's a dumb political commercial, not Schindler's List. And for God's sake, why do you have twenty people speaking to me? One spokesman wasn't enough, you had to give each one a five second snippet before cutting to another hipster turd?

It starts out with some guy who looks like he's trying way too hard to look like Seth McFarlane who says, "This isn't your standard election year video of celebrities asking you to vote."
Thank God. The last thing I wanna see in my commercials is some has-been actor from the 80's reminding us that they're still alive and then telling us what choices we should make.

"It's us. Asking you to vote for celebrities who can't."
If they can't vote, then they're shit outta luck.
"Celebrities like Justin Beiber."
WHAT!?
Why the fuck should anyone worry about Justin Beiber in this election? He hasn't lost his job, or in any danger of losing it at least until his balls drop? Seriously, I know Obama's kinda out of touch but Christ almighty.
Oh and it seems the smug has gone to your brain because if you did any research you would know that JUSTIN BIEBER IS CANADIAN!!!

Cut to footage of Bieber being chased by a crowd of screaming girls and then back to some chick who looks way too hot to be saying the stupid shit that comes out of her mouth.
"Yet whomever we vote for in the 2010 midterm elections will impact his future."

How? He's not going to care. Seriously, why don't you just make a commercial that says, "Republicans don't like Justin Bieber and shall kill his followers." Do, I care about his future? No, he's got his millions upon millions while some people are trying to figure out whether they should pay the bills or buy groceries.
Hey, why not say something smart like, "Whomever we vote for will impact all our futures"?

Cut back to fans cheering about him and then cut back to some homely looking chick who finally says, "And ours."
But the thing is, after that last hot chick, you were expecting you'd see her again, but they got...the other girl and you recoil in disbelief and shock, therefore probably missing her message.

Cut to footage of Bieber being hit on stage by a projectile and then cut back to the speakers.
"Members of congress may have the power to vote for or against legislation but we have the power to vote for or against every one of them."
You know, this is common knowledge if you're not an idiot.

"So tell your parents."
Make me, jerk.
"Your grandparents."
I said, 'make me', asshat.
"Your Facebook friends."
You don't tell me what to do...

"Your friends from karate class."
I don't do karate. I do boxing and you sound like you need a left hook to the liver!
"Your MySpace friends."
Nobody has MySpace anymore! What is this 2005?
"Your sisters."
If I tell my sisters anything it'll be that my parents have always loved me more than them.
"Your brothers."
I don't have any brothers. Jesus Christ, how big did you think my house was growing up? Where the hell would we put all those kids who my parents didn't love as much as me?

"Your step-brother."
I don't have one and if I did, I wouldn't speak to him.
"Your Jonas Brother."
My...what? Seriously, you're looking to get a liver punch soon.
"Tell everyone. To vote again in 2010."
And what am I supposed to do if they don't? Murder them?
"If they won't do it for you..."
You're gonna say murder them, aren't you? Oh my god, you sick bastards...
"Ask them to do it for Bieber."
Oh my god, you sick bastards...if they're old and smart enough to vote, then I don't think they give two shits about Bieber.

The commercial finally fades away to a disclaimer which says, "Not withstanding his great head of hair, Justin Bieber is an underage citizen of Canada and thus is ineligible to vote in these United States."
Why don't you just say, "We're stupid asshats, ignore everything we just said."
You'd think it'd be the end but then it cuts back to one of the speakers who whispers into the camera, "I love you, Bieber."
No, that's not creepy at all. And I'm sure that sticky stuff on your hands is just glue. That's what I'm telling myself.

How the hell can these people expect the American people to be swayed by that? No kid is going to tell their parent to vote for the benefit of Justin Bieber. Oh yes, your dad just got laid off and mom is working two jobs just to try and make ends meet, but we've got to do this for Justin Bieber. Was this commercial made by Joe Biden? Doubt that, the man can barely count.

The Best Stuff Not on TV is on the Internet

"This seems like a joke to me
That this old crap is on the screen.
Can't we get something better to see
Instead of this shit that's on TV?"
-Josh Meyers as Eminem, opening the 2002 season of Mad TV.

Back when I first heard this parody ranting against the lack of good programing on TV, I didn't put much thought into it. Sure there were some truths in the song about how shows like Friends, ER and others that had existed since the early 90's had gone stale and were just beating a dead horse.

But now that I think about it, there aren't that many shows out there today that have me turning on the TV I have in my room. In fact, now that I think about it, I don't think I've turned it on in almost a week. Sure there are shows out there that I still like (South Park, anything with Gordon Ramsay) but the truth is, you can find all the new episodes online within 12 hours of them actually airing and in very good quality as well.

And it occurred to me that the reason I'm not watching that much TV is because there are people on the Internet that are more entertaining than anything any current writer on The Simpsons can churn out these days. And like most TV shows, they have a new episode almost every week, there is no suffering of summer reruns and even though they might be done on a low budget, you can tell that a lot of care is put into them. So, I've decided to list (In no particular order, mind you) my favourite shows that I watch online.

1) The Angry Video Game Nerd (http://www.cinemassacre.com/)- This man is legend. James Rolfe owns perhaps every form of video game console every created and reviews the shittiest games of all time. He pulls no punches and takes no shit from anyone. He's beaten up Bugs Bunny (Twice!), shoved games up the Joker's ass and even set several games on fire. However the most foul-mouthed critic on the Internet may be the most passionate about what he does. Every October he does a review of horror films for every day of the month. His video titled Cinemassacre 300 is also very inspiring and gives a brief yet detailed history of his movie making career. With all his popularity, I'm surprised that he hasn't been approached by any big studios to do a movie however given how Hollywood has a tendency to fuck up a good thing (Star Trek), maybe it's a good thing that he stays on the net.

2) The Nostalgia Critic-I've been following the work of Doug Walker ever since I first say his video titled Rocky in 5 Seconds. He used to have all his videos on Youtube but they kept getting removed because of copyright so he did the next best thing he could and started his own website: http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/
While he does do a variety of different characters, Nostalgia Critic is my favourite and probably his most well known personality.
The fact that he also has the guts to watch some horrible dreck like The Garbage Pail Kids, The Star Wars Holiday Special and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. The fact that he can cram over 90 minutes of cinema shite into a 15-20 minute review is great and his personality and writing is just perfect. I'm almost a bit surprised that he doesn't have his own TV show but then again maybe it's for the best.

2) Wafflepwn (www.youtube.com/wafflepwn) -This one might have you scratching your heads for a second. But then think back a few months ago to a viral video about an angry young man who was caught on video violently reacting to his mother cancelling his World of Warcraft account by briefly shoving a remote control up his butt.
If this doesn't sound the least bit familiar then you're not one of the 18 million (Yeah, million) who haven't seen the video simply known as "The Greatest Freakout Ever".
There have been several other videos featuring the young and angry Steven freaking out over things that some of us might consider a small inconvenience but none of them have the impact of the first one. There's a lot of debate going on as to whether these videos are real or if everyone involved is an actor.
Who cares really? I still think they're funny as hell and it's always nice to look at someone's craziness compared to yours and think, "It could be worse."

4) Atop the 4th Wall hosted by Linkara (http://atopfourthwall.blogspot.com) -Four words: "I AM A MAN!" followed by a punch in the guts.
I never really started paying attention to this guy until maybe a month ago, which is a bit surprising considering I'm a big comic book fan myself. But ever since I decided to watch his review of Superman at Earth's End (To finally understand the origin of the "I am a man!" catchphrase) I've found myself hooked to the show where bad comics burn. Like the other reviewers I mentioned, he doesn't pull punches and reveals how bad editing can make an already bad comic even worse (How does an editor make the mistake of using "to" instead of "too"?) That and I think he has the catchiest theme song out there today. Sometimes I'll just be at work and then it'll pop in my head and I'm spending the rest of the day trying to get it out.

5) Confused Matthew (http://www.confusedmatthew.com/) -Sometimes I find myself in total disagreement with him (The Lion King) and other times I find myself smiling and thinking, "Wow, I thought I was the only one who thought that way about (Insert movie title)". What Matthew does is take popular movies the general public adores and then tears them a new asshole (If they had one to begin with) by explaining the faults of them. I especially loved his review of Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey. For a while I thought I was the only one who thought that it was just a movie where we watch stuff float in space and get an ending that you would expect from an 11th grader who is finishing his final project in Creative Writing. He never shows his face and is only represented by a simple drawing. Very smart, very opinionated yet however you feel about the movie he is reviewing, you simply can't ignore Confused Matthew.

6) SfDebris (www.youtube.com/sfdebris)- Unless you're a fan of Star Trek, this probably won't appeal to you. He looks at every single series in the franchise and reviews mostly bad episodes however he has been known to review some good episodes every now and then. At the moment he's going through the process of reviewing every Star Trek movie out there but is taking a break from that to go back to the TV series'. He has a lot of knowledge about the episodes he reviews and he's pretty funny and doesn't pull punches by reminding us which characters are assholes and how the writers are even bigger assholes sometimes.

7) Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series (www.youtube.com/cardgamesftw)- If you've ever watched or heard of the anime series Yu-Gi-Oh, you're bound to love this show. If you have not heard of Yu-Gi-Oh, you're still bound to love it. And how can't you love a show that mocks a show where everything (Trust me, everything) revolves around a children's card game. The man behind this madness (The good type of madness) is known as LittleKuriboh does all the voices, writes all the scripts, does all the editing and you can tell that he puts a lot of care into his work. Plus the quality of the show improves with each episode. That and the fact that I've never heard a show with so many quotable lines makes this series something you can't miss.

I'm sure that there are lots of other great Internet series out there and I wish I had time to list them all. Hopefully you'll check (some of) them out because they really are worth the time. As I said before, no big budget special effects, no big crews working behind the scene. Just individuals taking the time to give the people what they want.