I am a Hero; Jack Bauer Has Nothing on Me

I hate Monday mornings. I wake up terribly early knowing that by noon, I'll have to think about going to sleep so that I can wake up with enough energy to do a ball-busting midnight shift. If I have enough energy, I might go to the gym for a light workout, come home and do myself up some scrambled eggs Gordon Ramsay style.

However one Monday morning a few weeks ago I had very little energy and just decided to goof off on my laptop and checkout what wasn't happening on Facebook. I was probably about ten second away from closing the window when all of a sudden my friend Connie messaged me. And I had a feeling that it was important because she addressed me by my first name. In my experience, people only do that if the situation is pretty important.

So she gave me an 800 phone number to call and confirm if she had a flight for tomorrow morning. It was then that she told me that she was messaging me from a hospital in Muskat, Oman. For those of you who didn't watch Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego as a kid, that's in the Middle East. Connie spent her Christmas holidays there and was a teacher there a few years ago.

Seems that while she was down she caught some jihad-virus that was going around or something, was stuck in the hospital and thus, missed her flight the previous day but now couldn't tell if she was rescheduled for a flight tomorrow or not.

So there I am, about six-thirty in the morning, trying to figure out how to help my friend escape the Middle East within the next 24 hours. I called the airline and trying to get all the info I can, relaying it back through Facebook and then relaying any concerns Connie may have back to the airline. Needless to say I was saying, "Could you hold on a minute" quite a few times during these phone calls.

After about twenty minutes of dealing with people with bad accents, I was finally able to get the times for her flights. She would leave Muskat, then fly into Kuwait, then off the Dulles International Airport and then to Detroit with a short drive back into Ontario.

Just before I got off the line, the attendant I was dealing with asked me if he wanted to upgrade Connie's seat to give her more legroom for only the small fee of $150 USD.

I relayed this to Connie and based off the negativity of her response, I told the airline that she would pass on the generous (I made sure they could hear the sarcasm) offer.

Connie did manage to make it home and that day, I got a cheque from the government of Canada (Most likely word of me rescuing a fellow countryman spread quickly) and my Batman shirt arrived in the mail.

So yeah, I'm a hero. Saved a friend from captivity in a Middle Eastern hospital which was boasting about how their doctors washed their hands semi-daily and had been Jew free for 34 days. And I did this less than an hour after waking up.

The moral of the story: Schweitzer-Man is awesome

Retire Ronald? Kiss My Ass

I was thankful enough to grow up with a mom who knew how to cook really well and there were times when my dad could even surprise us with his culinary talents. However, one thing that was always a great treat when me and my sisters were kids was Burger King or McDonalds.

Of course I've wised up over the years and now only eat at Burger King which is the polar opposite of M'Lord, who only eats at McDonalds and despises Burger King. However, if there's one thing I think about when I hear the name "McDonalds" (Other than "Why does this Big Mac look so small?") is their mascot, Ronald McDonald.

OK, this does look a little creepy

The dude was in every commercial you saw, showing off the same Happy Meal package-burger, fries and soft drink-and the special toy for the week you got when you bought a Happy Meal. Hell, sometimes the commercials usually had these weird story lines that would go one for four months. I tried to find clips from YouTube but was unsuccessful. And yeah, again, I remember story lines from a fast food chain's commercials better than I remember high school math. Memory can be a bitch like that sometimes.

What's also a bitch is when morons try to put the blame on someone else for their own problems. Especially if that someone happens to be Ronald McDonald. I can understand people being concerned about the health of young children with the rates of childhood obesity going up, but comparing McDonalds to the tobacco and alcohol industry? Excuse me, while I might joke about there being rat poison in McDonalds hamburgers, I can say that I know that's true unlike cigarettes.

I hope they didn't pay that artist a lot of money

Look, when I was a little kid, the reason I liked McDonalds and Burger King wasn't because they had a clown or some stupid Kids Club were offering it like the junkie who hangs around the local 7-Eleven. I wanted it because it tasted good and it wasn't something we got all the time, you idiots!

What a lot of people seem to forget, especially parents, is that parents can say "No" to their children if they ask for Burger King or McDonalds. I know my parents did loads of times no matter how much us kids begged. You're the parent. Be blunt. Tell them to stop crying or you'll really give them something to cry about. Send them to bed until they stop crying and you'll only give them what you cook them if they stop crying.

Or be more blunt. Just say, "No, you can't have Burger King this week, you lazy, man booby fat ass because you weigh as much as a horse!" And while this may not be the best way to talk to a seven year old, some of these parents should know that constantly feeding their children fast food because they're too retarded to cook something on their own, isn't the best thing for your man-booby fat ass kid.

Yeah, this is clearly the work of evil mastermind, Ronald McDonald.

And I'm not saying getting fast food or take out on a weekly basis is a bad thing. Every week I go down to Burger King, get either a Whopper or Double Whopper, no onions, some bacon, large fries, large chocolate shake. Mmm, mmm, that's good eatin'. And when I was living at home every Friday was pizza night. But the thing is, I exercise quite a bit and can afford to put on weight considering fat ass in the picture above probably weighs twice as much as me.

Look, I can understand people wanting to McDonalds to offer healthier alternatives but at the same time, parents should at least be aware of what their children are putting in their mouths (Sounds kinda gross). And if you're kid is starting to look a little plump or ready to have a heart attack at the age of 11, get them exercising. That and learn to say no to them. You're the parent for Christ sake, you should know that you have control.

Plus, if you're going to jump on this bandwagon of Retire Ronald, just stop. Have you heard of Ronald McDonald Houses? What the hell are we supposed to call them if you retire Ronald? Besides, he's an advertisement tool, he's meant to draw people in. It's kinda the reason why more people prefer Frosted Flakes over Grape Nuts.
That and the fact the name of Grape Nuts is a lie where Frosted Flakes is exactly what you get.

How bout you try to meet a common ground with McDonalds? Ask them to make a character who is in good shape, promotes healthy eating habit and warns about the dangerous consequences of not, and can appeal to adults too.

"Why so obese?"

Dancing With the Unemployed

I can't dance. As I stated in my last post, if I could my life might be very different. But for every theatre production I did that required me to move my body to the sound of music, I moved about with the grace of a drunk Helen Keller playing musical chairs. So like most guys, I really hate to dance.

However, after my last post, my music teacher friend messaged me on Facebook and informed me that, it is quite possible that she does know the lyrics to the soundtrack of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And to be fair, I really should have assumed that from the beginning. She's a music teacher, she's forgotten more about music than most people will ever know and it makes sense that she would know that.

It's kinda like me and worthless trivia no one else gives a shit about. It may take me a few seconds to recall it, but eventually I'll get you the information that won't add anything to your life. For example: What does the TIE in 'TIE Fighter' stand for? Twin Ion Engine.

Anyway, said friend suggested that I take a look at one of the most baffling programs to ever grace the airways, Dancing with the Stars.

You're gonna need a bigger barf-bag.

Oh, God, where do I begin. There is so much rage and hate flowing through my body that I'm not sure what to say or where to start. I'm not joking, I think my head is going to explode like that guy in Scanners because the stupidity is assaulting my brain from all angles.

After chugging a jug of Nestle Quik and eating an entire roll of Sweet Tarts in twelve seconds, I calmed down and relaxed. I'm strong enough. I'm man enough. I'm Schweitzer-Man. I trained with the League of Super-Ninjas from the year 8246 and if I can do that, I can tackle Dancing with the Stars.

OK, let's start with the whole concept of the show. Shows that have the word 'Celebrity' or 'Stars' in the title are a sign that it's going to be shit. Hell's Kitchen in the United Kingdom is done all by celebrities and not people who want to make it as chefs like the American version. That's boring television because if they have nothing to gain and nothing to lose then we don't care. Why should we care if someone who did four season on Coronation Street can make a proper mille feuille of sweetbreads? I remember when Dancing with the Stars first premiered on ABC, FOX came out with Skating with Celebrities to try and compete.

Now, if you're an actor who's only claim to fame was appearing on a shitty family sitcom that went off the air over ten years ago, does that make you a celebrity? Of course not. But don't tell that to Dave Coulier who was more than happy to appear on Skating and remind people that he wasn't dead. Don't know who he is? He was Uncle Joey on Full House. Really sad that the commercials for the show still referred to him as 'Full House's Dave Couiler'.

If by 'It', you mean your career, then mission accomplished.

Believe it or not, there have already been twelve seasons of this crap and America eats it up for some retarded reason. I mean, there's no way that a show this stupid could be on the air for this long. I thought it would be laughed off the air before the opening credits finished and yet it has endured. Anyway, since there are that many seasons, I'm just going to take a look at the so called 'celebrities' they have on their roster this season...

1) OK, first up we got Michael Catherwood. He's a talk radio personality who hosts Loveline and I'm already bored talking about him. Hey, if he weren't so busy and making more money, Rush Limbaugh would probably do good numbers. Probably a crappy dancer but it'd draw in the Tea Party crowd.

2) Wendy Williams-I hear that not a lot of people like this woman and she was relieved to be eliminated from the show. Kinda makes you wonder why she went on in the first place...? Probably because she wanted to fool herself into thinking she was an actual celebrity. Yeah, didn't work.

3) Kirstie Alley-Wait, what? That Kirstie Alley? Wow, from Star Trek to Cheers to Baskin Robbins for a few years and now this... I wonder what Lt. Saavik would say about such a career move. Or Spock for that matter.

"To assume an asinine reality show will save your career is not logical."

4) Chelsea Kane-She's appeared in some Disney programs that you never heard of unless you were babysitting somebody's kids or have pathetic taste and actually watch the crap Disney puts out. What's sad is that she's younger than I am and she's already reduced to DWTS. Don't worry, babe, make a sex tape and your stock will rise faster than Charlie Sheen's. Charlie just better hope he can keep milking his tour for as long as he can otherwise we'll see him next season.

5) Ralph Macchio-Sorry that you weren't in the latest Karate Kid movie. Trust me, if you want a career after this is done, you've got to the crane kick to either the judge who pisses you off or your dance partner. OK, it'll probably land you in prison for a few months but the video will get millions of hits on YouTube. And you could be a celebrity there....

6) Romeo-Hey, I remember back about ten years ago, you had released an album, you were calling yourself Lil Romeo. You were young, (appeared to be) talented and had a lot of money. The world was your oyster. It's amazing how in ten years that oyster can turn into a rancid scallop. Seriously, what is with these people being younger than me and already seemingly ending their careers? Sure, you could win but what the hell is that going to do? Seriously, I doubt many people in the rap/hip-hop community are going to be impressed that you won Dancing With the Stars...Season Twelve!

7) Petra Němcová-You're a model and the only reason you're doing this is because you're over the age of thirty. The modeling industry is cruel. However, you're tough, seeing as how you survived that tsunami in 2004. If you can survive that, doing the cha-cha should be a breeze.

Dancing...duh!

8) Hines Ward-This one kinda confuses me cause he's still employed. Ward is actually a wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not going to speculate on why he's doing it. Probably just bored. Needed something to do. OK, you're good. Am I done this yet? Oh, Christ, this has got to end...

9) Kendra Wilkinson-Ooohh...this looks interesting. A former Playboy model, blonde, pretty young...oh but she's got a kid. Oops and it looks like she jumped the gun on making a sex tape. I said that you should do that after doing DWTS. Well, whatever, Skanky, have fun titilating the senior citizens who tune in.

10) Chris Jericho-Oh, no way! Not you, man! The Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla? Y2-Freaking-J? Come on, you were one of my favourite wrestlers back when I used to watch WWE. Hopefully you make a return after this because you're still a good wrestler and trust me, given most of the 'talent' that pro-wrestling has today, either you or the Ultimate Warrior have to make a comeback. But if you get eliminated, do the Walls of Jericho on one of the judges. Then promise to meet him at Wrestlemania XXVIII.

11) Sugar Ray Leonard-...It could be worse. He could be making a comeback in boxing. In Ray's defense, he's probably doing it for the same reasons Ward is doing it; he's bored. Ray Leonard was the first boxer to earn over $100 million in total purses for fights. He fought everybody who was everybody, beat them all (The fight with Hagler is still up for debate after almost 25 years though) and probably has enough saved that his great-grandchildren will live comfortably. He could do a decent 'Ali shuffle' when he had to and always had great balance so you know, this might be interesting to watch.

But we know I'm lying when I say that. We shouldn't really care if Ray Leonard can Foxtrot or if Romeo can do the Hokey-Pokey or if Jericho can do the Macarena. Do you know why, because when they're finished, they're never going to do it again. Shame on the people who watch this program week after week. Shame on you for having such low standards of entertainment and punishing yourselves for said standards with such awful stupid programs.

If you're going to watch a reality show, have it involve real people trying to achieve real goals. Hoping to get somewhere, overcome an obstacle. Reality shows with real people!

...If you see anybody who watches this show, hit them hard. Very hard. And don't stop until they're crying AND bleeding

I Hate Charley and his Horse

I was relaxing in bed the other day when all of a sudden I felt my right calf start to firm up. For the past week or two it had been sore a bit and I just assumed that it was from all the running around I do. I thought it would go away once I straightened out my leg like I usually do.

However this was not the case. I could feel the skin of my leg start to wrap around the muscle like plastic wrap and the pain intensified. I stretched my leg out and did my best not to scream like a little girl. Instead, I found myself in agony and laughing at my own discomfort. What was adding to the humour was the fact that I was bending my foot to the left and couldn't force it to go straight.

Yeah, that was sort of what my leg looked like...sans Kathy Bates of course

It felt like the muscle was actually going to burst out of the skin and this was going on for too long. I looked at my foot and desperatly willed myself to straighten out. It did and the pain quickly went away.

I found out later from my mother that it was a charley horse and that my father used to get them all the time. I suddenly recalled nights where he would awaken screaming. And to think all the years I thought it was due to him forgetting to turn his night-light on...

According to him, it either means I'm dehydrated (Unlikely) or I need to adjust my diet (Very likely). That really sucks because I think I do good for a guy who eats nothing but junk food and exercises on a semi-regular basis. But in all honesty, it did freak me out for a second and has made me realize that, yeah, a salad every once in a while wouldn't hurt.

So does anyone wanna come over and make me a salad?

Yeah, something along these lines. Not too many croutons, please.