Movie Review: Star Wars

 Last month a good friend picked me up from work with the idea that we'd have a quick bite to eat at a buffet and then catch a movie.

He knew of a theatre in Canyon Meadows that had cheap ticket prices and was even showing classic movies. You can imagine the gasp I made when I saw they were going to be showing Star Wars from 1977.

"Marlon, please," I begged. "We have to see it!"

"But...haven't you seen it before?" Marlon asked me.

"Yes!" I told him. "Many times. I could probably recite the whole movie."

"So...why do you want to see-?"

"Because you haven't seen it," I explained. "And...if you're going to watch Star Wars for the first time, you have to see it on the big screen."

Calgary Expo 2017 Wish List

Well, here we are again, once again it's time to slowly start gearing up for the Calgary Expo. While I may have been a bit critical of their guest line-up last year, (Feeling there was more of an emphasis on celebrities than comic creators) I must admit, I had a great time. Picked up some great comics, some great art, met some artists I admired. Even got to do a fist bump with Stan Lee-how cool is that?

Oh and he upped the resale value of my Spider-Man trade paperback...

And as they've recently announced guests like Nathan Fillion, Christopher Lambert, Danielle Panabaker, Millie Bobbie Brown and Jim Shooter, I figured that I would give them a list of people I would like to see them invite this year. 

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense Part III

Last month was a good month for the blog considering it got the most traffic since July of last year. It seems that a lot of people really like the Star Wars posts I do, so I thought I would do a third edition of things that don't make sense in Star Wars. This is partially inspired by clips of a RiffTrax I saw, making fun of Episode III that and I don't want to take a long time getting my next post out.

...I never had a bad thing to say about this franchise

1. Hey, Let's Fly Near the Bad Guys-Near the end of Empire Strikes Back, Leia, Luke, Chewie, Lando and the droids have escaped Cloud City in the Millennium Falcon and are being pursued by the Empire. Leia goes into the cockpit and points out to Lando and Chewie that there is a Star Destroyer close by. So naturally they decide to get the hell out by jumping to lightspeed.

But it turns out the Empire was two steps ahead of them and deactivated the hyperdrive before they left. Thus, no lightspeed. So while Chewie tries to fix things, Lando decides that the best place to take the Falcon is right next to the Star Destroyer. And I'm not kidding. There's a shot where the ship is about maybe two meters from hitting the Star Destroyer. Lando, you do know that the Empire wanted Leia, Chewie and Luke as prisoners and now that you've escaped and have no means of escape, you're probably going to want to keep a least a lightyear away from anything Imperial. And to think the Rebel Alliance makes this man a general someday.

Do not want!!!

2. Bring balance to the Force?-All throughout the prequel series, we kept hearing about how Anikan was supposed to be the "chosen one" and bring balance to the Force. But was it ever explained what the hell that meant?

They also said that it was part of the prophecy. OK, what prophecy? Who made it? How was it going to come about? You know, George, you could have done yourself some favours by secretly watching a few episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Whenever some prophecy was to come about, they explained who made the prophecy, who it involved, what was to happen right then and there. It didn't leave you guessing for a whole season and then never explain it.

Are you sure it wasn't 'bring blandness to the Force'?

3. Yeah, Obi-Wan and Yoda Were Full of Shit-Remember how in ESB Luke leaves Dagobah to rescue Han, Chewie and Leia from Darth Vader in Cloud City despite the fact that Yoda and Obi-Wan are insisting he complete the training. It's pretty clear they're making it sound like Luke is a boxer with just a few amateur fights who wants to fight Manny Pacquiao.

And they were right. Vader clearly outclassed Luke and eventually chopped off his hand. So it's clear that he needs more training. But first he rescues Han from Jabba in in Return of the Jedi. Once he gets to Dagobah he finds that Yoda is dying but he knows that he needs his help to finish the training. But then Yoda says, "No more training do you need."

Now I don't know what kind of training Luke was doing between movies; for all I know he picked up a copy of How to be a Jedi Knight in Just 16 Weeks by Kit Fisto. But either in the last movie or right now, it's clear that Yoda is full of shit. Last time he was almost on the verge of tears, pleading with Luke, "No, go you must not! More training montages we must complete!!!" But when he comes back he just brushes the training aside. "No better will you get now. Downhill from here your skills shall go."

So there really was no need to stay was there? I mean, yeah, Luke could have honed his skills a little bit but...it probably didn't make that much of a difference.

Kit Fisto, the only Jedi with a name that sounds like a foreign sex move

4. How to Train Your Jedi- And I'm sorry, what the hell was involved in Luke's training that got him up to speed in just a few days? Granted, we don't know how much time he spent with Yoda but...it sure wasn't a long time. Jedi training takes years of practice.

Look at Phantom Menace when the Jedi council believes Anakin is too old to begin training. Hell, Obi-Wan was probably in his twenties and still just a padawan. Even in Attack of the Clones we see kids who look like they should be in preschool already practising with lightsabers. Which probably makes the Jedi Council look like they have the same ability to safely raise a child as Casey Anthony.

Yeah, let's put the five year olds within arms length and have them swing giant laser swords which can maim or sever limbs.

Calgary Expo 2011

After missing the Calgary Expo last year due to my bosses being complete assholes and changing my schedule at the last minute, I was determined to make it this year. While I do count myself as a big nerd, I wasn't about to dress up for several reasons:

A) I do not own a costume or Starfleet uniform

B) I really don't want the attention.

However I did want to show that I was a part of the community and thus wore my Green Lantern t-shirt, despite the fact that I don't care at all about Green Lantern and find his weakness to be laughable at best.

So off I went, on the C-Train after arriving home at work and failing to get in a quick cat-nap. As I rode, I saw that I couldn't see anyone cos-playing but quite a lot of people with weekend passes. And since I wasn't too familiar with where I was going, I just decided that I would follow someone and do my best not to look like a tourist in a city I've lived in for almost two years.

Entering the convention reminded me of that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where Bowman reaches the monolith and says, "My god, it's full of stars" and is then exposed to a screensaver (Can you explain to me what I'm watching in that movie?). However instead of stars, it was just nerds. And yet it was so awesome. I was overwhelmed by the numbers and I was expecting a lot of people to show. This is what happens when you say that Star Trek is better than Star Wars out loud

I knew that there was a lot of stuff to see but at the same time I was just so overwhelmed by the people I saw. On my left I saw Robocop looking through comic books from the fifties while a guy in a Superman costume handled a boa constrictor. On my right, a ninja from the Villiage Hidden in the Leaves shopped shuriken (Throwing stars). It was like I had travelled into a modern day version of the Mos Eisley Spaceport. Every life form from pop-culture converged on that large area and were all cool with each other. Even though I was tired from being up all night before, I suddenly got a surge of energy that would carry me through the day.

One of the first booths I wanted to check out was for Blind Ferret Entertainment, a Montreal based group which produces the webcomics Least I Could Do, Looking for Group and Gutters. I don't read Looking for Group but the other two I keep up to date with. While LICD may not be for everyone (You'll be offended eventually and most likely laugh at the same time in the back of your mind), I find it enjoyable and decided to pick up a volume of their work.

Now you might be saying, "Uh, Schweitzer-Man, you can read every strip online...for free!" True, but I like that the book came with creator commentary on the strips. And besides, I get a free reusable bag out of the deal, so we all win. Plus I got it autographed by writer Ryan Sohmer and artist Lar DeSouza.
Least I Could Do is about a narcissist who uses his charm, humour and vivid imagination as much as possible to enjoy life. Why are you all looking at me like that?

Now of course the big deal about this convention was the the one and only, two time Emmy winner, Golden Globe winner and of course, the man who put the "star" in Star Trek, William Shatner was going to be there. And if Shatner is going to be there, then there's going to be a massive lineup for his autograph. And if Shatner is giving autographs...then you're going to be paying a lot. I think I heard that it was $40 for just a picture with him and $75 if I wanted an autograph.

Considering that the man is still able to get work these days, I have to wonder why I should have to pay for his signature? Now, if the money is going to a good cause (Which I like to think), then I'm pretty cool with it. However I heard from someone that Shatner wasn't really interacting with people; that he was just signing the photos and moving on. Now should I ever get rich and famous (Support this cause by giving me lots of money!), one thing I'll do if I'm ever at a convention, is not only sign what you want my autograph on, but also take a few seconds to talk to you. "Hey, how's it going? Enjoying your day? Favourite episode is...?"
The reason these people got where they are is due to the fans.

This was the closest I got to getting a picture of William Shatner

However after hours of wandering around, I saw there were lineups to get photos and autographs from voice actors. I was initially going to get one from Vic Mingnona but didn't at the last minute mainly because I can only think of one anime he'd been in and that was Full Metal Panic.

However, I did see one voice actor's name and instantly knew that even if I had to face a thousand Klingons, I would get Maurice LaMarche's autograph for my dad. Back in the mid-90's, there were awesome cartoons on at the time. Animaniacs being one as well as it's spin-off show, Pinky and the Brain. Now my dad's pretty old school about animation. If it doesn't involve anything that includes the voices of Mel Blanc then he honestly couldn't give a shit. You could show him the lastest English dubbed anime from Japan but he would much rather watch Foghorn Leghorn smack that dumb dog on the ass with a stick. My dad could probably look at this picture all day and laugh

However, he loved to watch Pinky and the Brain. He would listen to the Brain insult people, things, Pinky and would laugh his ass off. One of his favourite moments is when Brain super-imposes a picture of himself on a horse with Pinky's head and says, "Here I am atop the beast of ignorance." So when I saw that Maurice LaMarche was not only going to be signing autographs and posing for autographs for free, I instantly got in line and waited forty-five minutes.

It was worth it because I had some interesting conversations with other fans as well as heard some gay guy lisping about how he didn't know anything about Pinky and the Brain.

"Oh, isn't that the show where there's like a grumpy mouse and a happy mouse?" he mused.

I would have smacked the stupid out of him right then and then however I was getting closer to Maurice.

"I'm not sure if this will be safe for Slimer," he said as Egon from The Real Ghostbusters. As I got closer and closer, I started to feel a bit nervous. Granted I wasn't meeting Shatner but this was the next best thing.

Maurice shook my hand, smiled and couldn't have been nicer, even breaking out the voice of The Brain to say a word to my father. If you want to check it out, just follow this link. Part of me wishes I had said a little more to him but I didn't want to sound like some blabbering fanboy. However, if there's anything I regret not saying, it's that my younger sister used the song Brainstem to study in her nursing program."Hello, I'm Maurice LaMarche and I'm awesome. YES!!!"

I thought about getting into the line for Rob Paulsen (He did the voice of Pinky and a lot of other characters) but that was three times as long and I was lucky to get to the front of mine early. No, I would have to wait another time. One thing I also regret missing was a panel Maurice, Rob and Jess Harnell (The voice of Wakko) took place in. Apparently they took turns doing William Shatner impressions and did other things too. I have no idea if anyone asked Rob to recite Yakko's World but I've seen video of him doing it before and that would have been cool to see.

I kept wandering around with no clear goal in mind. As the final hour approached, I got near the autograph section again and saw that there was a very short lineup to get an autograph from Jonathan Frakes, who played Commander Riker on Star Trek: The Next Genearation and also hosted Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, which was sort of like a modern day Twilight Zone or Alfred Hitchcock Presents. This I couldn't pass up, especially since in the third grade, I wrote a brief explination to a magazine, explaining why Riker was my favourite character. Looking back at that letter, I can say that it's poorly written and I only picked Riker because all the characters were my favourite. But it still got published anyway.

Regretfully, I wasn't allowed to film my encounter with Frakes but he was nice, shook my hand, signed my picture and thanked me for coming out. I didn't mind shilling out $20 for that. By that point, fatigue was beginning to set in. I could write a whole other paragraph or five about my adventures with Calgary transit, however I expect you're pretty tired from reading this already. All in all, it was a great time, I'll be going back in 2012 and getting a weekend pass.Probably my favourite picture I took that day. I don't know why but it feels like a perfect representation of this convention

Made It So

After missing it last year, I've just spent the better part of a day at the Calgary Expo where I was very fortunate to get the autographs of Johnathon Frakes (Commander Riker) and Maurice Lamarche, who is a really awesome guy. Have a lot of pictures and I'll be uploading Maurice's message to my father (Done in The Brain's voice, no less) as soon as I get a chance but right now, kinda tired. Up for more than 24 hours and on my feet for almost the same amount of time. I've earned a little break

It Never Rains...

When people talk about "Hell freezing over", they're mostly talking about a typical day in Calgary. It usually means lots of snow, lots of grumpy people and a severe lack of natural sunlight which makes my albino-esque complexion stand out so much that they're begging me to by a tanning session at the gym. I'm not kidding about the last part.

But one thing that I really miss about Ontario weather is a good thunderstorm. Right now my parents have been getting their fair share of showers lately but I must say, I just miss the roar of thunder, running between raindrops as I tried to get between car and house and especially the lightning. It reminded me a lot of the Emperor from Return of the Jedi.

I remember working at a tiny gas station one sunny Sunday afternoon in Maidstone. These three dudes on motorcycles came in, filled up their bikes and then I noticed that they were just standing at the fuel island, looking out towards the horizon (Which I couldn't see from my position) and talking amongst themselves. I decided to see what was going on and stepped outside and looked down the highway that lead to Windsor.

You could see this enormous black cloud floating above everything and slowly inching itself closer and closer towards us. I spoke with the bikers and they were headed into Windsor but weren't sure of what they should do now. I remember them riding off into the darkness but when I left the rain was just wild. For some strange reason, I enjoy driving in the rain even if everyone else on the road is acting like they're skirting around a minefield.

God dammit, Mother Nature, can we get a thunderstorm...preferrably when I don't have to be anywhere?

Yes, something like this will do just fine

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense Part II

I know that with lists like these it seems that I really enjoy tearing into George Lucas' work. I don't...except for the stuff made after Return of the Jedi. OK, I'm lying if I say that I hate the prequel trilogy. I don't but at the same time I think there are a lot of things that could be improved upon it. However everything that can be said has alraedy been done by people who do much better work than me.

But I'm not here to take another stab at the bizzare elections of other planets or Hayden Christansen. Instead most of the stuff I cover is from the original trilogy. And with that said, let's begin.

...Jar-Jar Binks never existed

1) Stormtroopers are Precise?-In A New Hope, upon finding the sandcrawler that sold him R2-D2 and C-3PO destroyed, Luke Skywalker assumed it was done by the sand people (AKA: Tusken Raiders-are they Italian?). However Obi-Wan Kenobi points out that this is not the case due to the Bantha tracks in the sand. He then moves Luke closer and shows him the blast marks.

Obi-Wan: "And these blast points-too accurate for sand people. Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise."

Remember that last sentence because the next time we see Stormtroopers trying to shoot something, their target is the unsuspecting (and momentarily stationary) Han Solo just as he is about do leave Mos Eisley. There are about five or six Stormtroopers shooting and not one of them come close to hitting Han. In fact, I can think of only a few instances where a stormtrooper has managed to hit his target and trust me, there aren't a lot.

"Please, God, just let me hit something!"

2) Who Needs Sight to Land?-In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke goes to the planet Dagobah to train with Yoda. He moves to bring his ship down but is quickly blinded by all the fog. R2-D2 is beeping like crazy because he thinks he's riding shotgun with Billy Joel and Luke tries to calm him down.

Luke: "All the scopes are down; I can't see a thing! Just hang on, I'm going to start the landing cycle."

I know Luke is supposed to be a good pilot but to land a ship without seeing? Holy shit, the terrorists in Die Hard 2 would have been royally screwed if Luke was flying one of those planes. Maybe the Force was with him but given how he lands, I'd say it was dumb luck. Or destiny. That word is always crawling it's way into Star Wars scripts.

Another successful landing

3) How did Vader Know Luke Would Come?-OK, we know in Empire that Han, Leia, Chewie and 3PO are captured by the Empire at Cloud City to lure Luke Skywalker into a trap. There's just one problem: How do they know that he'll come?

I'm not kidding, it's never explained how Vader knows that Luke is aware his friends are in danger. I mean, for all Vader knows, Luke is partying with the rebels after they escaped from Hoth. He doesn't know Luke is training with Yoda. I mean, did they make an announcement over intergalactic communications?

And suppose Luke didn't go to Dagobah?

What if Luke said, "Ah, screw going to Dagobah. I'm gonna go to Sullest where the beaches are fine and the bitches are finer!"

That means he wouldn't have developed his Force abilities, wouldn't have sensed his friends being tortured and wouldn't have gone to Cloud City. Vader would have been like that kid who's still waiting for his deadbeat dad to return from the corner store even though he left five years ago.

"Look, he'll show up any minute, I know it."

4) Obi-Wan's Interference-Since Luke did go to Dagobah, he used the Force and has to leave to save his friends despite Yoda insisting that he stay and complete his training. However Luke feels he must go because Han, Leia and Chewie are his BFFs.

All of a sudden Obi-Wan appears all sparkly and ghost-like to appeal to Luke. However he and Yoda cannot get through to young Skywalker. They know he's not ready to face Vader but Luke feels he must if it can save his friends. Desperate, Obi-Wan tries just one more time.

Obi-Wan: "If you choose to face Vader you will do it alone. I cannot interfere."

Suppose Obi-Wan could interfere...what the hell would he do? I mean, he's dead! I know he can appear all sparkly and glowy but he's a ghost. He's not going to do much good if he can't move anything on this plane of reality. The worst he could do is try to scare the shit out of Vader but I doubt that would work. That or as Luke and Vader are fighting he could just keep saying, "Hey, cut it out! Stop that, I mean it!!! Hey stop it, someone's going to get hurt!!! I mean it, I'm going to get very upset soon."

"BOO!"

Dancing With the Unemployed

I can't dance. As I stated in my last post, if I could my life might be very different. But for every theatre production I did that required me to move my body to the sound of music, I moved about with the grace of a drunk Helen Keller playing musical chairs. So like most guys, I really hate to dance.

However, after my last post, my music teacher friend messaged me on Facebook and informed me that, it is quite possible that she does know the lyrics to the soundtrack of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And to be fair, I really should have assumed that from the beginning. She's a music teacher, she's forgotten more about music than most people will ever know and it makes sense that she would know that.

It's kinda like me and worthless trivia no one else gives a shit about. It may take me a few seconds to recall it, but eventually I'll get you the information that won't add anything to your life. For example: What does the TIE in 'TIE Fighter' stand for? Twin Ion Engine.

Anyway, said friend suggested that I take a look at one of the most baffling programs to ever grace the airways, Dancing with the Stars.

You're gonna need a bigger barf-bag.

Oh, God, where do I begin. There is so much rage and hate flowing through my body that I'm not sure what to say or where to start. I'm not joking, I think my head is going to explode like that guy in Scanners because the stupidity is assaulting my brain from all angles.

After chugging a jug of Nestle Quik and eating an entire roll of Sweet Tarts in twelve seconds, I calmed down and relaxed. I'm strong enough. I'm man enough. I'm Schweitzer-Man. I trained with the League of Super-Ninjas from the year 8246 and if I can do that, I can tackle Dancing with the Stars.

OK, let's start with the whole concept of the show. Shows that have the word 'Celebrity' or 'Stars' in the title are a sign that it's going to be shit. Hell's Kitchen in the United Kingdom is done all by celebrities and not people who want to make it as chefs like the American version. That's boring television because if they have nothing to gain and nothing to lose then we don't care. Why should we care if someone who did four season on Coronation Street can make a proper mille feuille of sweetbreads? I remember when Dancing with the Stars first premiered on ABC, FOX came out with Skating with Celebrities to try and compete.

Now, if you're an actor who's only claim to fame was appearing on a shitty family sitcom that went off the air over ten years ago, does that make you a celebrity? Of course not. But don't tell that to Dave Coulier who was more than happy to appear on Skating and remind people that he wasn't dead. Don't know who he is? He was Uncle Joey on Full House. Really sad that the commercials for the show still referred to him as 'Full House's Dave Couiler'.

If by 'It', you mean your career, then mission accomplished.

Believe it or not, there have already been twelve seasons of this crap and America eats it up for some retarded reason. I mean, there's no way that a show this stupid could be on the air for this long. I thought it would be laughed off the air before the opening credits finished and yet it has endured. Anyway, since there are that many seasons, I'm just going to take a look at the so called 'celebrities' they have on their roster this season...

1) OK, first up we got Michael Catherwood. He's a talk radio personality who hosts Loveline and I'm already bored talking about him. Hey, if he weren't so busy and making more money, Rush Limbaugh would probably do good numbers. Probably a crappy dancer but it'd draw in the Tea Party crowd.

2) Wendy Williams-I hear that not a lot of people like this woman and she was relieved to be eliminated from the show. Kinda makes you wonder why she went on in the first place...? Probably because she wanted to fool herself into thinking she was an actual celebrity. Yeah, didn't work.

3) Kirstie Alley-Wait, what? That Kirstie Alley? Wow, from Star Trek to Cheers to Baskin Robbins for a few years and now this... I wonder what Lt. Saavik would say about such a career move. Or Spock for that matter.

"To assume an asinine reality show will save your career is not logical."

4) Chelsea Kane-She's appeared in some Disney programs that you never heard of unless you were babysitting somebody's kids or have pathetic taste and actually watch the crap Disney puts out. What's sad is that she's younger than I am and she's already reduced to DWTS. Don't worry, babe, make a sex tape and your stock will rise faster than Charlie Sheen's. Charlie just better hope he can keep milking his tour for as long as he can otherwise we'll see him next season.

5) Ralph Macchio-Sorry that you weren't in the latest Karate Kid movie. Trust me, if you want a career after this is done, you've got to the crane kick to either the judge who pisses you off or your dance partner. OK, it'll probably land you in prison for a few months but the video will get millions of hits on YouTube. And you could be a celebrity there....

6) Romeo-Hey, I remember back about ten years ago, you had released an album, you were calling yourself Lil Romeo. You were young, (appeared to be) talented and had a lot of money. The world was your oyster. It's amazing how in ten years that oyster can turn into a rancid scallop. Seriously, what is with these people being younger than me and already seemingly ending their careers? Sure, you could win but what the hell is that going to do? Seriously, I doubt many people in the rap/hip-hop community are going to be impressed that you won Dancing With the Stars...Season Twelve!

7) Petra Němcová-You're a model and the only reason you're doing this is because you're over the age of thirty. The modeling industry is cruel. However, you're tough, seeing as how you survived that tsunami in 2004. If you can survive that, doing the cha-cha should be a breeze.

Dancing...duh!

8) Hines Ward-This one kinda confuses me cause he's still employed. Ward is actually a wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not going to speculate on why he's doing it. Probably just bored. Needed something to do. OK, you're good. Am I done this yet? Oh, Christ, this has got to end...

9) Kendra Wilkinson-Ooohh...this looks interesting. A former Playboy model, blonde, pretty young...oh but she's got a kid. Oops and it looks like she jumped the gun on making a sex tape. I said that you should do that after doing DWTS. Well, whatever, Skanky, have fun titilating the senior citizens who tune in.

10) Chris Jericho-Oh, no way! Not you, man! The Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla? Y2-Freaking-J? Come on, you were one of my favourite wrestlers back when I used to watch WWE. Hopefully you make a return after this because you're still a good wrestler and trust me, given most of the 'talent' that pro-wrestling has today, either you or the Ultimate Warrior have to make a comeback. But if you get eliminated, do the Walls of Jericho on one of the judges. Then promise to meet him at Wrestlemania XXVIII.

11) Sugar Ray Leonard-...It could be worse. He could be making a comeback in boxing. In Ray's defense, he's probably doing it for the same reasons Ward is doing it; he's bored. Ray Leonard was the first boxer to earn over $100 million in total purses for fights. He fought everybody who was everybody, beat them all (The fight with Hagler is still up for debate after almost 25 years though) and probably has enough saved that his great-grandchildren will live comfortably. He could do a decent 'Ali shuffle' when he had to and always had great balance so you know, this might be interesting to watch.

But we know I'm lying when I say that. We shouldn't really care if Ray Leonard can Foxtrot or if Romeo can do the Hokey-Pokey or if Jericho can do the Macarena. Do you know why, because when they're finished, they're never going to do it again. Shame on the people who watch this program week after week. Shame on you for having such low standards of entertainment and punishing yourselves for said standards with such awful stupid programs.

If you're going to watch a reality show, have it involve real people trying to achieve real goals. Hoping to get somewhere, overcome an obstacle. Reality shows with real people!

...If you see anybody who watches this show, hit them hard. Very hard. And don't stop until they're crying AND bleeding

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense

For almost a year I've been trying to compile a list of my favourite films of all time. While it may be an easy task for some it has been rather difficult for me because I love film. However one film I know which easily fits into my top 10 is the first Star Wars movie, A New Hope. Even though I saw ROTJ first, A New Hope has a special place in my heart.

I don't know too many people who haven't seen at least A New Hope or even both trilogies because they're very easy to follow. But lately I've discovered that there are some really confusing things in almost all the movies that no one ever brings up and they just confuse me. These are in no particular order so try to stay with me as I go from one spot to another in a galaxy far, far away...

...people actually appreciated George Lucas' storytelling abilities

1) They elected Queen Amidala?- In The Phantom Menace, there is a scene where Queen Amidala addresses the Galactic Senate and tells them, "I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee."

Now, I don't know a lot about monarchies but are Queens elected? I don't think so. At first I attributed the line to just a simple flub be it intentional or not. Amidala was under a lot of stress at the time, it's understandable to screw up a word or two. But then in the next movie, Attack of the Clones, she says that she was relieved that her two terms were up. So wait, the planet of Naboo decided that the best person to elect as Queen, to be their leader was a teenage girl? What the hell is the matter with this planet? They have a fourteen year old in charge and are then surprised that the Trade Federation wants to invade?

Of course there's another line in Clones, that Amidala makes that just leaves you in shock that the Gungans didn't take over: "I wasn't the youngest Queen ever elected." They elected a baby? Is that what she's saying? They elected a baby or a preschooler? Good Christ, what is going on?

The New Queen of Naboo. She was elected in a landslide

2) Princess Leia's REALLY Good Memory-In Return of the Jedi, just before Luke leaves to confront Vader, he decides to tell the Leia the truth about themselves (They're brother and sister). He starts off easy, to break the ice. This is actual dialogue from the movie:

Luke: Leia, do you remember your mother? Your real mother?

Leia: Just a little bit. She died when I was very young?

Luke: What do you remember?

Leia: Just images, really. Feelings. She was very beautiful, kind but...sad.

Now this would all be fine and acceptable except for the fact that their mother dies moments after they're born. What's equally baffling is that Luke was born first and he admits that he has no memory of his mother. Hell, Uncle Owen probably told her she died after a wild orgy with Jabba the Hutt and Bib Fortuna.

And despite Leia being just ten seconds old, she was able to remember that her mother was very beautiful, kind yet sad...the sad part understandable since she was dying and everything. I don't know how the hell this is possible considering most people don't remember most of the first few years of my life. Hell, do you want to know what I remember from when I was a baby? Shoving a raisin up my nose. Maybe Lucas shouldn't have rushed that death scene so quickly...

Oh and equally confusing is why she's screaming so much during childbirth. I've noticed that during childbirth in both Star Trek and Star Wars, despite all this wonderous technology, machines that make food out of thin air, abilities to travel across solar systems in a second...they still don't have a way to make childbirth painless. Why did they keep calling her 'Princess' after her kingdom was destroyed?

3) Obi-Wan's Relationship with Anakin: This is what Obi-Wan Kenobi says about Anakin Skywalker when discussing him in A New Hope.

"He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy. And a cunning warrior...and he was a good friend."

Repeat that over and over as you watch Episodes II and III. Obi-Wan is constantly on Anakin's ass like he's some demented kid who likes to start fires and isn't taking his ADD medication. I can't really sense any form of friendship, it's more like Obi-Wan's just tolerating him. Somewhere along the line I honestly think that George Lucas forgot to watch the first trilogy before writing the prequels. Here's some dialogue from ROTJ where Obi-Wan talks to Luke about his father and I'll give you my version of how it should have gone.

(ROTJ) Obi-Wan: "Anakin was a good friend. When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. But I was amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda...I was wrong."

(Schweitzer-Man Version) Obi-Wan: "Anakin was a royal pain in the ass 90% of the time. When I first met him, I guess he was a good pilot or something. He won this race that I never saw and to be honest, I really didn't want him around. I would have rather hung out with Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar, man! I mean, I thought he was dangerous. But then my mentor died and he sorta guilted me into training him. We...were at odds most of the time, I was usually yelling, he was usually pouting. And then he killed everyone so I chopped off his arms and legs. The end. Oh and that part about him wanting you to have his lightsaber? Yeah, I was just fuckin' with ya."

"Hey, Luke, want to hear some more bullshit about your father?"

4) The Younglings: Just repeat that word over and over to yourself. Seriously, George, why?

5) The Rebels Just Stay There-In A New Hope, we see the Rebel Alliance launch a squadron of thirty ships to try to destroy the Death Star. As soon as the battle commences Princess Leia, 3PO and other leaders watch the battle unfold on the computer and hear how they have fifteen minutes until the Death Star is in firing range of the moon they're hiding on.

Now, I'm not too nitpicky about the Death Star not just blowing up the planet they were orbiting and then blowing up the moon because there might be some other reason, like the Death Star can only fire it's main weapon once an hour or something-I'm just speculating.

But, think about this, they've got the plans to the Death Star, they're a pretty large threat to the Empire and if the mission failed they could always get more people to join...yet they're just standing around waiting to get blown up. No ships are being launched to get out of there, they're just watching. Hell, when the computer announces that the Death Star is in firing range, Princess Leia gives a look like she's thinking, "Ooh, we better come up with a Plan B." Good thing Luke was a good shot. I know that it's all for dramatic tension but...it'd be nice if someone said WHY they were staying.

"OK, they'll be firing in about four seconds. Does anyone want to go start the car?"

6) What Was the Empire Waiting For?-In The Empire Strikes Back, our stranded heroes of Han Solo, Leia, Chewbacca and C-3PO find refuge in Cloud City from Han's friend Lando Calrissian. Of course it isn't until later that we find out...

As the stormtroopers file in with their guns pointed at our heroes, Lando says, "I had no choice. They arrived right before you did."

OK, if that's the case, then what were they waiting for? They let them feel comfortable, change their clothes...why? What was the point of that? Were they so busy touring Cloud City that they just forgot and cried, "Oh shit, we forgot we got to capture the rebels."

Hell, a stormtrooper blows up C-3PO just a few minutes after they arrived. So what, was Darth Vader just feeling like a dick and decided, "I'm going to ruin their vacation!!!" Oh and as an added bonus, Han sees Vader and right there decides to try and blow his brains out. It doesn't do him any good, mind you, but there you go George Lucas: Han DID shoot first! Although now that I've pointed it out he'll probably re-release ESB and change the scene so that Vader gets off a shot that he stupidly misses. God, I need a drink just thinking about that.

7) It was NOT a Trap!-We all know the meme. Even those who never saw ROTJ know of the line and even the name of the character who said it. But if you really think about it, Admiral Ackbar was not much of leader and neither was Lando.

So, the Rebels have got all their ships to do a 'Do-Or-Die' showdown with the second Death Star, with smaller, one-man fighters flying inside and blowing it up by destroying it's reactor. However to get inside, the Death Star's shield, which is generated on the moon of Endor, must be deactivated. So they arrive and found out it's still up just as they're about to go in. So all the ships turn around and one officer shouts, "Admiral, we have enemy ships in sector 37!"

So the fleet turns around to find an armada of Imperial Star Destroyers waiting for them however only the small TIE fighters are attacking. Things quickly change when the Death Star starts firing on the Rebel ships. So Lando decides that the only way for them to survive is for them to engage the Star Destroyers at point blank range, which upsets Ackbar.

Ackbar: At that close range we won't last long against those Star Destroyers!

Lando: We'll last longer than we will against that Death Star. And we might just take a few of them with us!

Now, I don't claim to know what was going through Lando's mind when that battle was happening. But I really think he forgot how vast space really is. For example, he knows that on one end, there is a powerful space station and at the other, there is a fleet of enemy ships? Two questions: 1) Why didn't Lando order the fleet to go around the Death Star?

There sure is a lot of...space behind the Death Star...

I mean, the Death Star doesn't look like it can turn 360 in a few seconds and it would take the Star Destroyers time to catch up.

2) Why not just...go down? I don't mean surrender but why not just use your thrusters and descend like, 5000 meters? Kirk did it in Wrath of Khan, why these ships can't is beyond me.

So, for Ackbar to claim that the scenario there were in was a trap, would be like if you were walking towards an exit when all of a sudden you see a mob of zombies marching towards you. Is that a trap? No, just use your damn head. Trap my ass.

Star Wars: Episode VII- Attack of the Retarded Fanboys

I don't have a problem too much with fans of Star Wars mainly because I'm one as well. And there are fans even bigger than me (Both in size and loyalty to the franchise) who have read the books that take place after Return of the Jedi and that's fine. I myself tried reading a few of them and just couldn't get into them. All I do know is that for some reason in 1999, they killed Chewbacca. Yeah, one of the most popular characters in the franchise got killed in paperback form.

So, let's get this straight. Fan reaction to Chewbacca is positive so therefore he must die in a story that no one but the die-hard fans will read.

Jar-Jar Binks is perhaps one of the most hated fictional characters ever and yet somehow his disembowelment scene in Revenge of the Sith (A scene which would have redeemed Lucas in the eyes of millions-nay, billions!) was left on the cutting room floor.


Anyway, I'm getting off subject. Back to the fans.

I don't have any problems with the ones who dress up as their favourite character when going to conventions because it is a gathering of fans and that's how they show their love for the franchise.

But one thing I can't stand is when fans go so far as to try and actually meld the Star Wars universe into real life, like this asshat below did.

Just look at those eyes...you don't wanna know what he does with his lightsaber in private

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Chris Jarvis; a self proclaimed Jedi Knight. To make a long story short, let me just post the link to his tale of woe and read how even in the 21st century, Jedi's still aren't treated as real people!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away

Now that you've wiped away your tears let me bring you back to reality which is a place that Chris Jarvis has been out of contact with for some time.


Number One: Just take your fucking hood off. I know it must pain you, Chris, that you started to go bald at around age 24 but just accept this: At age 31 you're as bald as Telly Savalas and you're not going to get hair like Ewan McGregor just because you wear a hood and call yourself a Jedi. Hell, you admit to becoming a Jedi only last year simply because it would enable you to wear a hood. Wear a wig.


Also, the Jedi in the movies spend more time with their hoods OFF than they do wearing them. When they removed their hoods, which is how they are often revealed in the movies, they didn't stop being Jedi. They just stopped being Jedi who wore hoods. In fact, the longest instance I can recall a Jedi wearing their hood in the movies was when Obi-Wan fought Vader for the last time in the first Star Wars movie...and then he died. Maybe Jarvis was just hoping someone would try to kill him and see if his body would mysteriously vanish too...

Using Jarvis' logic, none of these people are Jedi because they don't have hoods on

And if this asshat would actually pay attention to the movies he loves, he would notice that when indoors, Jedi's usually removed their hoods when talking to people because it's the polite thing to do. Look at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon in The Phantom Menace: They walk into the conference room and take off their hoods.

Why?

Because when you're trying to get somewhere with someone, be it to get them to remove their blockade from a planet or inquire about your disability benefits, it's best to do it with your hood off. How the fuck are they supposed to take you seriously?

Which of these Jedi Knights with an English accent had to be asked to remove their hood?

Number Two: You probably weren't dressed as a Jedi. See, again if you weren't such a fucking asshat, you would probably realize that the Jedi Knights shop at the same outlet mall on Endor and wear practically identical robes. They look like Jedi. The hood comes with the robes. You most likely were wearing some hoodie your girlfriend found at a Bargain Bin that had been vomited on by it's previous owner.

Does anyone else find it gross that Obi-Wan has been wearing the same robes for 40 years?

Number Three: You look extremely disturbing with a hood on. Seriously, I wasn't joking about what you probably do with your lightsaber in private. You don't look like a Jedi with the hood on, take it off, soften the image because at the moment you look like a Sith Lord who just got busted on Tatooine's version of To Catch a Predator.

Believe it or not, Chris Jarvis is a father of three children and currently lives with his girlfriend. How any woman can put up with a retard like this is beyond me. Hey, maybe he used a Jedi mind trick on her to get laid.

And by Jedi mind trick, I mean roofies.

Number Four: You don't live your life like a Jedi. In the article, Jarvis says the following about his religion: "'I am a Star Wars follower. It means following the way of the Jedi."
That's all good and everything but if that's so then why are you suing? You've gotten your apology, now you want to go even further by filing a lawsuit. What you're really after is (aside from a nice payoff) is revenge. Revenge is not a trait of the Jedi, you nerf herder!
Take it from your God, George Lucas: When making the final film of the first trilogy, it was originally titled Revenge of the Jedi, but Lucas strongly suggested they changed it because he felt that revenge was not of the ways of the Jedi.

Hence why the final film in the last trilogy was titled REVENGE of the Sith, you fucking asshat! You were afraid of being persecuted by others after this and this has lead to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. This is from Episode I, dickhead, so don't act too surprised by this!

And in case you need reminding, the Jedi in the prequel series (Which is where we see the biggest number of them ) suck! Three of them get killed within ten seconds of fighting a wrinkled old man, they don't do anything about the slaves on Tatooine and most of the time they just sit on their ass talking about getting things done but nothing happens. It's like watching the Obama administration in space. Why would you want to be like these people? Oh right, cause you're bald and have a microscopic penis.

"Stupid your lawsuit is."

Number five: STAR WARS IS A MOVIE! I don't care how much you love it. You can love it like a religion but when you start trying to incorporate that fictional world into real life then I'm afraid you need a swift kick in the balls. Seriously, what if Jar-Jarvis went to the grocery store and when he goes to pay for it the cashier says, "I only accept Republic credits"? In fact, I hope that happens. I love Star Wars as much as the next guy but...grow up. You're 31 years old and going around telling people that you're a Jedi. But aside from having Mace Windu's power of not growing hair on the top of your head, what abilities do you have?

So in conclusion, people like Chris Jar-Jarvis are prime examples of why some people hate Star Wars: Fans act like complete retards who have no idea how the real world works. I hope the judge throws his case out and tells him to get a job like the actors who pretended to be Jedi did when they stopped making Star Wars movies.

What the Fett? (AKA: Boba Fett Sucks!)

"Someone tell me I'm cool...Please?"

I've been a Star Wars fan since I was a little kid and even though my opinion of the prequel series isn't as favourable as it is towards the original movies, I still like to catch them on TV every once in a while.

However, one thing in all my years as a fan has constantly puzzled me: Boba Fett.

I get it, he's supposed to be the best bounty hunter in the galaxy but in all honesty, he just sucks.

I know that this is going to piss some die hard Star Wars fans off but I'm sorry; this guy just sucks.

Let's go over the few scenes we see him in from the first 3 movies (I'm talking about Episodes IV-VI, not the prequels)

Episode IV-A New Hope: Technically he didn't appear in the original Star Wars however in the 1997 remastered release, you can clearly see that he is there in the meeting between Jabba and Han Solo (A scene best left on the cutting room floor). He stands there, does nothing, says nothing, walks off.

And the legend begins!

Episode V-The Empire Strikes Back: In his first scene at the gathering of bounty hunters to find the Millennium Falcon, we see that Vader has to remind Fett in particular, "No disintegrations."

And when he says that he's pointing a finger at him like he's saying, "Stop killing the people you're being paid to capture!"

He's a bounty and he needs to be reminded, "Don't kill the people I'm paying you to capture and hand over to me so I can get information out of them."

We then see that he later easily finds the Millennium Falcon (Yeah, how did his ship get in that garbage pile anyway? Did he just go up to the Star Destroyer captain and say, "Could you put my ship in the garbage?")

And instead of attacking the Millennium Falcon and using a tractor beam to take it back to the Empire, the stuff an educated bounty hunter would do, he just decides to follow them.

Never saw Dog do that.

He later shows up when our heroes discover (Cue Admiral Ackbar) IT'S A TRAP!!! Fett bursts onto the scene by flying out on his jetpack, blasts Chewie a couple dozen times, beats the shit out of Han and breaks Leia's legs-oh wait, no he doesn't. He just comes from behind a corner and stands there after Vader does cool stuff like catching blaster bolts with his hand.

So far, all we've seen him do is either walk, be stationary, get reminded how to do his job only to not do it when he has a great opportunity, and then stand there some more.

Again, why is he popular?

So later we see that when Han's being tortured Boba Fett reveals, "He (Solo) is no good to me dead", showing that he learned something from the words of Darth Vader. And from that point he just follows Vader to the elevator.

DO SOMETHING!!! YOU HAVE A GOD-DAMN JETPACK AND A BIG ASS BLASTER. SHOOT ONE OF THOSE MIDGETS RUNNING AROUND THE CARBONITE ROOM!!!!

Ahem.

So later when Han is being frozen in carbonite, Fett again is bitching about the health of capture. Again, all those short aliens around and he's not even going to kick one? Yeah, best bounty hunter in the galaxy my ass.

From there, Fett starts to take Solo to his ship when all of a sudden Luke Skywalker starts sneaking up. Just when Luke's about to get close, Fett appears from around a corner and starts shooting at him.

Fuck yeah. Here we go. Took a while to get started, but now we're gonna see some cool lightsaber vs blaster action where Fett holds his own and leads Luke into the trap set by Vader. Awesome!

Oh wait, that didn't happen either. Instead he just shoots a couple times and...runs away a bitch.

Deciding that shooting a couple of times is enough action for him in this movie, Fett decides to depart with the famous line of, "Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold."

And then he flies off where he'll probably continue to do nothing off screen.

Episode VI-Return of the Jedi: OK, last movie. I can do this. I can do this.

We're in Jabba's palace. It's quite the gathering of other species and Fett just decides to stand in the corner. Cause that's what badasses do.

However if you want to go by what happens in the Special Edition, during that shitty overextended scene of the alien band doing their song (What was so bad with the original?), let's do that too. For a brief second we see Fett doing what he does best.

Walking.

Then standing in a corner.

Please explain to me why he's so popular again?

So later Leia shows up disguised as a bounty hunter. A good one since she "captured" Chewbacca and actually has him as her prisoner. You know what, stunt or not, she's shown more effort than Fett. Fett needed the Empire to help capture Solo and the others. Leia's bounty hunter character did it on her own.

Leia: 1

Fett: -1 (Yeah, you go into the negatives, that's how much you suck)

In the special edition there's also a scene where Fett briefly flirts with a dancer by cupping her chin, pulling off his greatest feat ever by impersonating a heterosexual.

So when Leia pretends to be upset about what she'll be paid for Chewie, she threatens to blow them all up with a thermal detonator.

OK, that's cool. Leia's bounty hunter is sending a clear message: "Give me what I want or I'll kill us all. I don't give a fuck."

That's cool. Take notes, Boba.

So yeah, Fett pulls out his gun (Why not just shoot her if you're so cool?) and then puts it away when Jabba and Leia come to an agreement on the price.

Fett then nods to Leia because he knows that in her (and everyone else's eyes), he is a pussy.

Later Fett decides to stick close to Jabba when Luke arrives. Very protective of a fat, ugly slug, aren't you Boba? But in all fairness, it's still a lot of nothing he's doing.

So when Luke uses the Force to get a gun in his hand, Fett does the only logical thing and shoots Luke in the face. Skywalker's corpse is fed to the Rancor and Fett takes Princess Leia and her skimpy bikini back to his bedroom where they have hot monkey sex for 1000 years.

Oh wait, that doesn't happen either. (Why do I keep doing that?) Instead Fett continues to stand there.

DO SOMETHING!!!!

Hey, I think my wish has been granted. It's the Sarlaac scene and Luke has turned the tables on Jabba, turning their execution into a daring escape. Well, Boba Fett won't stand for that. He takes off on his jetpack ("Finally, an opportunity to use this!") and lands right in front of Luke so he can get his blaster chopped in half before he even has a chance to fire and it knocks him down.

Excuse me, I need Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation to express how I feel about what just happened.

It may be a facepalm, but it's cooler than anything Boba Fett ever did

First off, why not use that jetpack to fly around and blast the fuck out of Skywalker and pals at the same time? Doesn't he know that a moving target is harder to hit (or chop in Luke's case) than a stationary one (ie. One that lands two feet in front of you!)

So since he can't shoot Luke, Fett declares, "You are fit to be tied up! Because everyone knows that a lightsaber can't cut through rope!"

It does and it knocks down Fett again-much harder than last time.

Captain, your assistance, please?

Thank you.

So after looking like a complete douche twice in ten seconds, Boba Fett decides to try and shoot Luke with something he's got on his wrist. You know, that probably would have worked better than the rope, idiot!

However his plans are thwarted when a blind guy sets off his jetpack by accident, sending him into the sail barge and into the mouth of the Sarlaac.

Yeah, the best bounty hunter in the galaxy got taken out by a blind guy...on accident.

And for some reason that final act of being a pussy solidified his legacy among Star Wars fans as one of the greatest characters ever. However not even the Sarlaac could keep Fett out of the Star Wars universe since he's been resurrected in paperback form.

Have not read any of those books and I don't plan on it.

Boba Fett is overrated. The only reason people can have for liking him is because his Mandalorian armour looks cool and it does. That's it. He's a pussy, the worst bounty hunter in the galaxy and rivals Jar-Jar in terms of uselessness.

Yeah, I went there.