Character Damage Control: Kes

If you know me or if you've read this blog for long enough, you know that I love Star Trek. I have since I was a little kid and even though most of what the franchise has crapped out lately has been...well, crap-I still enjoy the older series nonetheless.

I have a friend who also is a big fan of the franchise and at least once a day will send me a text message with a question or comment about an episode or something from the franchise because he knows I'm big enough of a savant that without context, I'll know precisely what he's talking about.

"Star Trek: Voyager premiered on January 16, 1995 and ran until May 23, 2001 across seven seasons and 168 episodes, four of which are feature-lengthed."

Book Review: The Accidental Billionaires-The Founding of Facebook

I remember an airplane ride from Calgary to Las Vegas back in 2011 where I first watched the movie, The Social Network. It didn't take long for me to enjoy it & in the years since it's probably one of my favorite movies of all time. 

But I wanted to know if there was more to the story than what was in David Fincher's film and chances are there was. Hence, I was very glad when this past Christmas I got as a gift the nonfiction novel which the screenplay for the movie was adapted from, The Accidental Billionaires.

Movie Review: Jaws

"What is special about 'Jaws' is that it hits, in everyone, a primal fear of the unknown that's in water.

-Roy Scheider (2001)

In 1975, a young, then-unknown, Steven Spielberg in only his second effort as director, released a thriller called Jaws, based off the bestselling novel by Peter Benchley. Throughout the years, most people recognize the movie more than the novel and if they did read the novel, they'd find it's the exception to the rule of, "The book is better than the movie."

Know what this movie needs? A subplot where Brody's wife cheats on him with Hooper.

The Comics Conundrum: Max Overacts

It was in April of 2014 at the Calgary Expo on the last day of the show for that year. I found myself walking towards the back of the hall where there were some food vendors when I noticed a table with a particularly eye-catching picture on the table.

I'll be honest, I use this line quite a bit to make myself sound clever...

The two characters were Max (left) and his best friend Klaus (right), stars of the webcomic, Max Overacts. I briefly chatted with the creator of the series, Caanan Grall and decided to purchase the first volume of the comic. The one picture had made me laugh and figured the book might give me a few chuckles.

Where Am I?

I didn't die.

Lots of Reading...Not Enough Writing

I've been neglecting this blog for a lot longer than I ever intended to. I would like to blame others for that but the only person I can blame is myself because after all it is my blog and I should be able to find something to rant about.

For the past few weeks I've been getting a lot of books realted to writing. Back in high school I was certain I was working on the next great novel, however I realize now that I have a long way to go. I feel comfortable with writing dialogue but everything else, describing actions and scenery...well I bore myself. And when Schweitzer-Man finds you boring...then you're doing something wrong.

So I've been doing too much reading, not enough writing. But there are a lot of things coming up that I'll be writing about. Next month is the Calgary Expo; the following month Aaron and I will be flying out to Montreal for a bachelor party and in June I'm going on a cruise with most of the Schweitzer clan. Aaron thought about joining us on said cruise but backed out because he and Katelynn have their honeymoon later in the year.

And yeah, there's a lot going on in entertainment that I'm going to want to talk about but at the moment, work and my own personal distractions are holding me up. Don't worry. I'll be back.

My Favourite Christmas Themed Entertainment

Last year around this time I presented to you my list of The Greatest Christmas Specials Never, a list of Christmas specials that we sadly never got to see (My sister thought the Full House one was real). However this year, I think I'm going to go over some of my favourite Christmas themed episodes from TV series as well as movies that some people may not pay much attention to. So without further ado, grab yourself some egg-nog, sit down and enjoy my list of Favourite Christmas Themed Entertainment EVER!!!

1) Batman: The Animated Series-"Christmas With the Joker"

OK, if you don't like this show at all (I'm looking at you, Katelynn) then I have to question your sanity. And if you can't enjoy watching Batman and Robin trying to stop the Joker from killing three of our favourite side characters on Christmas eve, then you lack a soul.

One of the many things that made this series work was that they had an incredible cast of voice actors. Every voice suited the character it belonged to and no greater example could be made than Mark Hamill as the Joker. I'm sorry, a part of me still can't believe that freakin' Luke Skywalker voiced Batman's greatest nemesis. And Hamill just shines in this episode, from the opening scene where he escapes from Arkham Asylum (He waves goodbye to Charles Manson just before exiting-I shit you not) to when he uses a sock puppet to blow up a bridge that a train is crossing. You can laugh along with him and at the same time he has enough of an edge that makes you think, "Yeah, I'm not fuckin' with this dude."

Looking like this and still managing to be threatening is why Mark Hamill is the best Joker. Sorry, Heath

Apparently the Joker was originally supposed to kidnap some random family but the network had the writers change it to Commissioner Gordon and the lot because a random family might have been frightening to younger audiences. Look, I think I was six when this episode first aired and nothing about this show ever frightened me.

It's a great episode from a great series and the perfect way to put you in the crime-fighting mood this holiday season.

2) A Pinky and the Brain Christmas

According to my father, he came home from work early one morning, turned on the TV and caught and episode of the awesome Pinky and the Brain and was hooked. We watched it when it aired in prime time on Sunday nights and we loved it. So when we found out that there was going to be a full half-hour Christmas special, we knew that we had to tape it for him.

Going undercover as elves at the North Pole, our two favourite rodents bent on global domination attempt to have Santa plant a brainwashing toy in every house throughout the world. Of course things can't go right and that's where the episode shines in terms of comedy and moments that tug at your heart.

I watched this episode just yesterday and I can honestly say that near the end as the Brain reads Pinky's letter I was getting misty eyed.

Yeah, that show A) how emotionally screwed up I am and B) that this show truly was one of the best things on TV at the time. I haven't been able to catch it on TV in years and was lucky to find it online but if you're fumbling around cable and happen to see it on your program guide, stop what you're doing for 30 minutes and watch this because it is genius that's currently lacking in today's TV programs.

A quick note: When we watched this in 1996, the scene where Brain screams at Pinky, "Give me that stupid letter" caused me and my sisters to laugh and say, "That's Dad."

3) Batman Returns

This movie takes place around Christmastime and for some reason I really get in the mood to watch it around this time of year. I don't know, maybe it has something to do with a recent podcast I did with The Basement Vagrants but for the past few days I've had this movie on my mind.

Is it a perfect movie? No, not really but in a way it seems perfect for it's time and a good adaptation of the Caped Crusader. However it is entertaining and doesn't leave me bored. I remember being a little kid, begging my parents to let me see this movie. Sadly, at the time, they sucked as parents and said no. However that didn't stop them from buying me Batman toys and storybooks based on the movie that was apparently too violent and vulgar for me. Hypocrisy much, Mom and Dad?

PS: I think the Wayne Manor/Batcave playset is still in their crawlspace and for sale I might add. We shall start the bidding at $1000

I think I might even have the box this came in

4) Gordon Ramsay Christmas Specials

If food porn like this doesn't have you salivating for holiday meals, then I don't know what will. True story, last year when I was home for Christmas, I showed this video to my Dad, who immediately demanded I go out and by croissants and smoked salmon. This was Christmas eve but I was able to get it done cause I'm awesome. We made this Christmas morning just like Ramsay shows you and it was really amazing.

5) Almost Every Christmas Themed Sketch from Mad TV

I'm sure I've said it before but I'll say it again: During the mid 90's to early 2000's, Mad TV did stuff that would have me in stitches while Saturday Night Live was descending into the mediocrity it happily resides at today. It can't hold a candle to what Mad TV was doing and it's a pity that the seasons haven't been released on DVD yet. Anyway, there are so many sketches to go over so I'll just give a quick rundown of some of my favourite Christmas themed sketches from Mad TV.

A) Magic Johnson's Kwanzaa Special

Aries Spears is someone who could make my Dad laugh doing anything and he was in top form when parodying former NBA superstar and failed talk show host, Magic Johnson. While they could have gone the easy route and makes jokes about Johnson being HIV positive, Spears plays him as an illiterate idiot, being cancelled by the networks at every turn. I think what also makes this sketch work is Pat Kilbane as Al Gore. I can honestly see the former VP going up to Magic and saying, "As salaam alaikum".

B) Rooftop Memories

When I was younger, I would be the one who would heave to help my parents put up the lights around the house for the holidays. Now that I don't live there anymore, I don't know who helps or even if they bother to put up the lights. However, if they are still putting them out, I imagine this is how it usually goes.

C) Opening Christmas Presents from Mom

I'm not going to name names, but at least over ten years ago, I recall a girl I know being worried around Christmas because she was afraid she would appear ungrateful by not showing enough verbal excitement over what she was given. It had her worked up to the point of tears which made me want to smack the stupid out of her.

Anyway, this sketch reminds me of her. While everyone is opening up their presents they receive from the mother, despite the excitement over what they're getting, she seems to think that they hate their gifts. The sketch reaches it's comedy climax when Alex Borestein screams, "What is your problem, you rag bitch!?" This is a common line when opening Christmas presents at my house.

D) Holiday Fantanas

I've never had a Fanta drink in my life so I don't know if they are as good as this sketch claims. However Paul Vogt, the actor who plays Beth, apparently took inspiration for his character by viewing footage of my younger sister drunk on the Internet. He has her mannerisms down pat.

E) Santa's Real Workshop

Look, we all know that toys aren't made at the North Pole, so what would happen if a little kid found out where all of Santa's workforce comes from?

Plus, I wish I could be like this Santa. Just walking around all day, pelting people with sugar cubes.

F) Stuart's Nativity Play

What kind of Mad TV list would this be without an entry involving Stuart?

For as many people I know who love Michael McDonald's signature character, there are just as many who HATE this character. I think the people who hate Stuart are more upset that kids like him exist in real life and have parents that are just as doting and blind as Doreen. This is your average Stuart sketch, him being bratty, somehow getting down to bikini briefs and saying, "Look what I can do!" but at the same time, it's Stuart playing Jesus. You don't see that everyday.

G) Suge Knight's Christmas Album

Again, with just the simple motion of opening his eyes really wide with his with that our family come join his for the holidays, Aries Spears had my dad in stitches. The Eminem parody might be a bit off today but ten years ago that was dead on.

H) Paul Timberman, Christmas Tree Episode

The joke in my family is that this character is based on my Opa, who has had several injuries in his life but never quite to the extreme as poor Paul Timberman.

I) Tickle Me Emo

This was one of the few Mad TV sketches that was able to get the YouTube treatment with people making hundreds of copies of it. This was a hilarious take on those damned Tickle Me Asshole Elmo dolls which came out at the time. What surprised me about that video was the debates some people would get into about Emo's. Some objected to Emo having a My Chemical Romance sticker on his vest but who gives a shit. It's funny. Laugh, damn you!!!

6) Mickey's Christmas Carol

I remember having this on tape as a little kid and probably haven't seen it in over 20 years. It's a very faithful adaptation of the Dickens classic and shorter than I remember considering that they are able to cram it into a half hour short feature. A lot of today's younger generation probably won't recognize some of the characters from less familiar Disney features but they're bound to enjoy it nonetheless. The scene with Scrooge falling into his grave near the end always freaked the shit out of me.
Say what you want about Disney being for little kids, it's a hell of a lot better than that damn adaptation with Jim Carrey from two years ago.

7) The Muppet Christmas Carol

I was bored last weekend and decided to see if this was any good and despite being mostly marketed at kids, this was actually pretty well done and more faithful than the Disney version above. Plus, it's got frickin' Michael Caine as Scrooge and he's awesome in almost everything.

What I actually like about this is that there aren't any familiar muppets as the three spirits that visit Scrooge. In fact, most people compare them to Harry Potter characters than anything Jim Henson created. It's your usual Muppet tale with humans interacting with creatures like it's an everyday thing and stuff like fruits and vegetables talking (Who eats that stuff?) and was the first Muppet movie made after Jim Henson died.
I think he'd be impressed with what they did.

Speaking of a Christmas Carol, I was hoping to find the 1999 version with Patrick Stewart but all I can find is just trailers from YouTube. I'm a bit let down that people nerdier than me haven't uploaded it because it's fucking Captain Picard playing Scrooge. Who wouldn't love to see that?

It'll Get Better

While I do my best to update the blog as often as I can, I do admit that last month probably wasn't my best in terms of blogging quality. Yeah, the 9/11 post was serious and I do like to do serious work every now and then but I hope that this month I'll still be able to do a lot more.

Lately most of my time has been occupied by sleep. Yeah, not gonna lie, I'm a lazy mofo. Working midnights blows, trying to find new work, new apartment and the time I usually have off is spent in dreamworld. Also I've been comitting a lot of time to doing podcasts with friends from college, as well as doing my own podcast for a boxing website I contribute to (Albeit, not consistantly). Last week I took part in a Star Trek podcast that took nearly three hours to get through. Not that I don't have a good time with them but even looking back at it now, I think, "Three hours...what the hell is the matter with me!?" That'll but up on the Basement Vagrants site some time soon.

Right now I keep hearing rumours about how Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore might be getting a divorce cause Kutcher is cheating. I remember being really annoyed at the couple when they first hooked up because I really didn't give a shit about their relationship and it made me realize that there are so many other celebrity couples that make a big deal about how in love they are and then break up shortly after getting married. I'll be making a list about that soon.

But anyway, thanks for the support. Each month has been better than the last in terms of hits and hopefully it will get better in terms of post quality and updates.

Where Was I?

It was the second week of grade 10 for me ten years ago. I had just come from my first period English class and was headed to the first floor for second period History. There was a four minute window that you had to get from one class to another and while other students were entering I saw another teacher come in and say to my teacher if he had heard about a plane that flew into the World Trade Center.

Even though I had no idea what was going on, it immediately caught my ears however after a few moments I quickly dismissed it. Probably just some two-seater plane with an amateur pilot who had trouble and made a deadly collision. Tragic but nothing extreme, I thought.

Once that period was over it was time for lunch. I made my way to a pay phone to call my dad because he was to pick me up for lunch and at the time he had about as good a memory as his grandmother does today.

"Dad, you're supposed to pick me up today, remember?"

"Andrew, I'm sorry, I forgot. I've been watching the news. Do you know what's going on?"

"No, what?"

"Terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center. Both towers are gone!"

I suddenly got a flash of these two large towers on fire, being destroyed in the middle of a metropolis. This was something that happened in Tom Clancy novels and bad movies. As I waited outside for him to come pick me up I could hear more and more students suddenly talking about it.

As soon my dad pulled up I got in and we raced home, listening to news updates on the radio and once inside, watching it all unfold on television. A plane had flown into the Pentagon and another airplane had crashed somewhere in America. The endless loop of the second plane hitting the second tower and their final collapse was searing itself onto my brain. Constant flashes of "America Under Attack" sent a sickening feeling through my body.

I never expected to hear those words. In my life the words "Under Attack" was something that happened to Federation Starships or characters in a Schwarzenegger movie. You just never expected it to happen in real life.

I can't remember what I had for lunch (Or if I ate anything) or the rest of that day. However I do know when I first became interested in the world around me. Before then I had my sights on place: Hollywood. I wanted to be an actor and make movies for a living. But suddenly my life took a dramatic turn. I wanted to know what was happening in the world all the time. I started paying a lot more attention to American politics.

Before that, my generation never really had a "Where Were You When" moment. The closest we ever got to that was when Bill Clinton went on TV and admitted that he had lied about Monica Lewinsky. But there was never anything that got our attention and maintained it for a long time. Never something that shook us and changed us, whether or not we were aware or willing to admit it.

I remember being in one of my first days of college for journalism and leaving the Politics class. I can't remember what we discussed but I know that I talked a lot throughout it, like most of my classes and that the date was September 11, 2007. We had just come out and another student remarked to me, "Hey, you know a lot about politics."

"Yeah," I answered. "I've been interested in politics for the past six years."

Bringing Real Life to Sesame Street

Like a lot of kids, I watched Sesame Street when I was a little kid. By the time you're about four years old you've outgrown it but still, it's one of the first TV shows that you watch. And you can probably remember most of the characters: Big Bird, Snuffy, Grover, Elmo and of course Ernie and Bert.

Now, before I get into this whole controversy about the petition to get them married, let me just say that this never occurred to me until I was about 12. That was when Jerry Falwell was railing against the Teletubby known as Tinky Winky, insisting that he was a homosexual character. I remember a comedian suggesting that if Falwell go after any characters that were supposedly gay, he should go after Bert and Ernie.

Can you tell me how to get the hell out of this neighbourhood?

And yeah, everyone's joked about this but in all seriousness, come on, do you really think this stupid petition is going to work? They're fucking muppets, they don't have a sexual orientation. But I've seen things from the other side and thought, "Why should we stop with gay marriage for Bert and Ernie? Shouldn't this show cover other hot topic issues that younger audiences might care about?" I thought so and that's why I wrote a letter to Childrens Television Workshop, detailing some very interesting storylines which I'm sure views will enjoy.

1. Immigration-Maria and Luis decide to go on a cross country road trip but encounter some trouble when they enter the state of Arizona. It turns out that Luis has been living in the country illegally and now faces deportation! The residents of Sesame Street rally to try and get a good lawyer as well as teach children outside of North America how to keep a low profile while waiting for your fake green card to arrive in the mail.

Naturally I don't think this would work in real life because, I mean, come on, Sesame Street teaching kids to break the law? You're more likely to find an episode of Barney where he teaches those kids how to roll a joint.

This would attract the 18-39 demographic that always eludes them...

2. Hoarding-After black mold nearly kills him, Oscar the Grouch is confronted by the residents of Sesame Street about his lifestyle. It is revealed that Oscar has abandonment issues and fears losing everything of value which is why he holds onto everything...even if it really has no value. It is also revealed that Oscar hasn't bathed since the Truman administration.

This will be a great chance for Sesame Street to do a crossover with A&E's Hoarders. Plus, it'll teach children at an early age that no matter how bad you think your own life is, there's always someone on TV you can point to and say, "Holy shit, that dude's messed up!"

3. Narcissism-Elmo gets his ass kicked by people who are sick and tired of his dumb 'Tickle-Me' ass always speaking in the third person. He is encouraged to get well but also told that it will probably happen again unless he doesn't change his ways.

I don't care if I sound like a total asshole when I call for the beating and near death of a "beloved" television character. Would you want your kid to grow up always referring to themselves in the third person? No, it's annoying and you'd kick their ass if they weren't your kid. And if you say you wouldn't then you need your ass kicked.

Someone has to stop him...

4. Addiction-Everyone knows that Big Bird's best friend is Mr. Snuffeupagus, also commonly referred to as "Snuffy". But it is revealed that the nickname comes not from a shortening of his last name, but due to his addiction to cocaine. Snuffy is caught by Big Bird doing three lines of cocaine, each line a metre long. He insists that he can quit anytime but decides to go to rehab after nearly ODing outside Mr. Hooper's store.

This would be a great episode to show kids that it's OK to ask for help when you've really fucked up. And it would also show that if you care enough about your friends, you'll do anything you can to help them. Plus it would include special guest star Charlie Sheen as himself.

The way this guy spoke, you knew he was on something illegal

5. Facing Facts-I'm not sure about the rest of you, but sometimes when I was a little kid, I wasn't sure if Big Bird was a guy or just a really butchy female bird. Now it's obvious that he's a boy but since we're trying to cater to all audiences, why not just have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite?

Why not? Come on, everyone knows this one is true. You can have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite and have special guest star Lady Gaga do the same thing. That and have someone beat her up for her narcissism as well.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me. And I thought Paris Hilton was desperate for attention

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense Part III

Last month was a good month for the blog considering it got the most traffic since July of last year. It seems that a lot of people really like the Star Wars posts I do, so I thought I would do a third edition of things that don't make sense in Star Wars. This is partially inspired by clips of a RiffTrax I saw, making fun of Episode III that and I don't want to take a long time getting my next post out.

...I never had a bad thing to say about this franchise

1. Hey, Let's Fly Near the Bad Guys-Near the end of Empire Strikes Back, Leia, Luke, Chewie, Lando and the droids have escaped Cloud City in the Millennium Falcon and are being pursued by the Empire. Leia goes into the cockpit and points out to Lando and Chewie that there is a Star Destroyer close by. So naturally they decide to get the hell out by jumping to lightspeed.

But it turns out the Empire was two steps ahead of them and deactivated the hyperdrive before they left. Thus, no lightspeed. So while Chewie tries to fix things, Lando decides that the best place to take the Falcon is right next to the Star Destroyer. And I'm not kidding. There's a shot where the ship is about maybe two meters from hitting the Star Destroyer. Lando, you do know that the Empire wanted Leia, Chewie and Luke as prisoners and now that you've escaped and have no means of escape, you're probably going to want to keep a least a lightyear away from anything Imperial. And to think the Rebel Alliance makes this man a general someday.

Do not want!!!

2. Bring balance to the Force?-All throughout the prequel series, we kept hearing about how Anikan was supposed to be the "chosen one" and bring balance to the Force. But was it ever explained what the hell that meant?

They also said that it was part of the prophecy. OK, what prophecy? Who made it? How was it going to come about? You know, George, you could have done yourself some favours by secretly watching a few episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Whenever some prophecy was to come about, they explained who made the prophecy, who it involved, what was to happen right then and there. It didn't leave you guessing for a whole season and then never explain it.

Are you sure it wasn't 'bring blandness to the Force'?

3. Yeah, Obi-Wan and Yoda Were Full of Shit-Remember how in ESB Luke leaves Dagobah to rescue Han, Chewie and Leia from Darth Vader in Cloud City despite the fact that Yoda and Obi-Wan are insisting he complete the training. It's pretty clear they're making it sound like Luke is a boxer with just a few amateur fights who wants to fight Manny Pacquiao.

And they were right. Vader clearly outclassed Luke and eventually chopped off his hand. So it's clear that he needs more training. But first he rescues Han from Jabba in in Return of the Jedi. Once he gets to Dagobah he finds that Yoda is dying but he knows that he needs his help to finish the training. But then Yoda says, "No more training do you need."

Now I don't know what kind of training Luke was doing between movies; for all I know he picked up a copy of How to be a Jedi Knight in Just 16 Weeks by Kit Fisto. But either in the last movie or right now, it's clear that Yoda is full of shit. Last time he was almost on the verge of tears, pleading with Luke, "No, go you must not! More training montages we must complete!!!" But when he comes back he just brushes the training aside. "No better will you get now. Downhill from here your skills shall go."

So there really was no need to stay was there? I mean, yeah, Luke could have honed his skills a little bit but...it probably didn't make that much of a difference.

Kit Fisto, the only Jedi with a name that sounds like a foreign sex move

4. How to Train Your Jedi- And I'm sorry, what the hell was involved in Luke's training that got him up to speed in just a few days? Granted, we don't know how much time he spent with Yoda but...it sure wasn't a long time. Jedi training takes years of practice.

Look at Phantom Menace when the Jedi council believes Anakin is too old to begin training. Hell, Obi-Wan was probably in his twenties and still just a padawan. Even in Attack of the Clones we see kids who look like they should be in preschool already practising with lightsabers. Which probably makes the Jedi Council look like they have the same ability to safely raise a child as Casey Anthony.

Yeah, let's put the five year olds within arms length and have them swing giant laser swords which can maim or sever limbs.

Don't F@&! With Alex Trebeck

I can remember being four years old and sitting at the TV with my dad while he watched Jeopardy and got almost all of the questions answers correct. I often wondered what it would be like if he were to ever go on the show but thankfully TV provided the answer for me.

Anyway, one thing associated with Jeopardy, aside from the music during the Final Jeopardy segment, was it's host Alex Trebek. Always there with that 'stache of his till about ten years ago, I thought that he was...well, just a little...bland. Never really did anything exciting, not that it was expected of him, however I think the show would have had better ratings if he acted more like he did when filming this commercial. Imagine someone screwing up the Daily Double and Alex tells you the correct response before muttering, "Dumb bastard." That's a great way to get big ratings without using creepy Ken Jennings.

Not gonna lie, Ken. Mormons freak the hell out of me

Well forget all I said in the last paragraph because according to the news, you don't wanna fuck with Alex Trebek...especially when you try to steal from him. Yeah, the dude is 71, his hair is pretty white, not a spring chicken. Still, I'm willing to risk anything to say that Alex Trebek would have kicked this woman's ass! I mean, shit, she's lucky that the dude wasn't even five years younger, he probably could have done some serious damage.

Picture it, it's late, everyone's either sleeping and out partying. You're sneaking through Trebek's apartment, stealing his tailor-made suits, cutting holes in his briefs, thinking how you've dealt him the biggest bruise to his ego since Sean Connery when all of a sudden the door bursts open. There's Trebek, anger in his eyes and vengeance in his words.

"The category is 'Your Life'," he says in the familiar voice that you can recognize almost anywhere. "The answer is: 'A broken arm, a ruptured spleen, several missing teeth, broken ribs and Alex Trebek's shoe stuck firmly in your ass."

While Trebek speaks, all that's going through your mind (Aside from his words) is whether or not Trebek will mind that you've just ruined the floor in the room by pissing your pants all over it. You stumble to explain yourself and beg for mercy but you're cut off.

"The correct response is, 'What injuries will Alex Trebek inflict on me in the next thirty seconds?'"

And then your world goes dark.

Still, even though that's not what happened, this woman is lucky that she got out of this with her life. Trebek could have just run away like a little girl and called for security but instead, he took matters into his own hands. Probably didn't turn out the way he had hoped but the woman was arrested, likely to face prison time and most likely spending the rest of her life thanking God that she was spared the wrath of Alex Trebek.

"Tell that punk Sajak he's next if he doesn't watch his step."

It's That Time Again...Who Will Be Next?

I've been back for over two weeks from a very nice vacation where I visited family, reconnected with old friends, got drunk with said friends (PS: Those of you near Papa Cheney's in downtown Windsor should really try the deep fried cheesecake. It's great when you're drunk) and perhaps most importantly, watched Aaron and Katelynn finally tie the knot. I had a great time, put on some weight and came back looking refreshed. Everyone kept telling me how much better I looked. If life were a commercial, this would be the part where a narrator tells everyone that I asked my doctor about Viagra.

However enough about that, this is about me. That's right, the time of untimely death (My birthday) is approaching once again. While no one has perished early like Gary Coleman last year, I've done some looking and found that a lot of famous people have died on my birthday. Holy crap, is June 25th just some date where the Grim Reaper goes on a free for all and touches as many people as he can? Well, we'll find out as we go through the list again.

What dark powers lay dormant in this innocent child?

1) Pope Cornelius (253)-Yeah, we're starting this back over fifteen hundred years ago. I had no idea my powers extended this far, but let's take a look at this man named after an ape. Well, it's a lot of boring history here and that's coming from someone who is a big history buff. But it seems that Cornelius was elected during a time where Christians were being persecuted and this really pissed off his buddy, Novatian.
There's probably a lot more interesting stuff that happened but let me tell you that Cornelius was exiled and later died. Moving on. This is not the Cornelius I was talking about!

2) Hatano Hideharu (1579)-Oh this is more like it. We've gone from boring old monkey popes to kick-ass Japanese warlords/samurais! He was pretty stubborn and apparently after offending another warlord and decided to surrender with dignity...only after the offended warlord offered to use his own mother as Hatano's hostage.
Hatano went and apologized and was promptly executed. After that the Hatano clan vanished and was never heard from again. "Oh hai."

3) George Armstrong Custer (1876)-OK, now we're getting into the big leagues. We've gone from boring popes, to samurai who try to pull of wearing purple to one of the most infamous soldiers in history. Believe it or not, he actually graduated last in his class at West Point but that doesn't mean...who am I kidding? It does kinda foreshadow his disastrous Battle of Little Bighorn, more commonly referred to as Custer's last stand. According to Wikipedia, he was heard shouting, "Hurrah boys, we've got them! We'll finish them up and then head back home to our station."

A few minutes later, he was killed along with two of his brothers as well as his brother-in-law. Sucked to be a Custer that day.

"Hey, we were winning! I just got caught with a lucky shot."

I'm not very good with predictions but if I had to make a guess at who would die on my birthday this year, it would be Zsa Zsa Gabor. She's been knocking on death's door for a while and given the way her husband acts, this is exactly the opportunity to launch a new reality show called, Prince Asshat is Really Old and Single.

I have a lot of different thoughts about turning 25. That's a quarter of a century. That's the same amount of time that passed from the first episode of the original Star Trek to their final movie together. I'll be closer to fifty than zero. But I'm not exactly the kind of person who will be crying in front of a birthday cake, wailing about bullshit because I've got good health, six-pack abs, a good amount of money saved up and for the most part, my youth. You're only as old as you feel.

Goodbye

Well, I had hoped that I would be doing this blog for a few more years but it seems like that isn't in my future...or anyone's since the world is going to end tomorrow.

So yeah, here I am, pissing away the last couple of hours instead of just getting piss drunk like the rest of the world probably is. Instead, let me give you a quick list of things that I hoped to have gotten done if it weren't for this coming doom.

1) Interview Gordon Ramsay-The dude is just so interesting and whether he gives an interviews that's straight up for laughs where he calls everyone a donkey and calls their bad cooking shit or being very serious talking about his rough upbringing and surviving the toughest kitchens in Paris you know that it's an interview where you'll be hooked on every word.

2) Finish My Top 10 Movies List-Yeah, I'm a lazy bastard, no getting away from that. I'd give you a sneak preview, but I think I'll have plenty of time to finish it when I'm in Hel-I mean...Heaven. Yes...Heaven. However I'll let you know that I've recently added The French Connection to the list.

3) Write a Good Episode of Glee-Take the time to laugh but hear me out. There would be musical numbers, but they'd all be incomplete due to somebody interrupting them. That way, no one would hear the finish product and be in a bigger hurry to buy the songs when they're released on iTunes. I have no idea what in the hell the plot would be but I think I'd call the episode, "The Sound of Music". I like irony.

4) See a big fight in Vegas-Aaron and I mentioned going back to Vegas one day and hopefully catching a big fight. Now whether it be boxing or UFC, it wouldn't really matter to me.

5) Get something published-I've got story ideas stored away all over the place. Some of them might have made a good book. Maybe even good enough to get sales into the triple digits

Well, I could go on for days but since we have less than one left, thanks for reading. See you...out there.

Who Called It?

Back a few weeks ago, you might recall my opinions on Donald Trump trying to be the first orange man elected President (Seriously, dude, lay off the spray-tan. You're not Lindsay Lohan) and how he would later announce his candidacy on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well it turns out that this won't be the case because...the finale's already been filmed and even NBC has come clean about it. Yep, like I said before, this was a publicity stunt to bolster ratings for his reality show that no one really cares about anymore in an attempt for him to say, "The Apprentice is the number one show on television!" and drag that line out for at least a year.

"Curses, foiled again!!!"


I did imagine upon hearing this news that the Donald is going to comment that NBC is somehow mistaken about the progress of a TV show that airs on their own network and he will make an announcement but even his own spokesman basically said, "Yeah, my boss is full of shit."

Wow, not even into the campaign and you've already stepped in it Donald. Look, I can imagine this has been a rough month for you, what with Obama releasing his birth certificate and while you still tried to grill his ass about it, he was busy getting ready to kill Osama bin Laden. Now you could have gotten on him about taking sixteen hours to make up his mind but you blew it. Now it's back to The Apprentice and hoping that people will give a shit about anything you do.

How Trump envisioned the Obama administration to view his non-announcement on Celebrity Apprentice

Writer's Block

I must say, in terms of writing, I had a great month in April. Most of my stuff may have been not to everyone's tastes but given that it was the third highest rated month since I started this blog, I think most of you liked what I was doing.

However now I'm in a rut. There are things that I want to write about but every time I star to type, it looks like shit, even to my standards and I erase the whole thing. And that's not to say that there's not a lot going on in the world. The debate rages on to whether OSB is really dead (Trust me, if Al Qaeda is on the rag about it, then ya, he's dead), my best friend is getting married at the beginning of next month (Though in Harrow-dude, seriously?) and during my time home I'll probably do some more cooking (I'm posting recipies-trust me, it's good).

Is it bad that I can't remember the last time I wrote something down in a journal?


Right now I'm thinking of doing a post about two shows that I find to be some of the worst on television yet at the same time, I can't get enough of. Those are The Steve Wilkos Show (AKA: The Jerry Springer Show without transvestites and midgets) and Operation: Repo. It's the latter which I find more ridiculous but I'll probably get into those reasons later.

Wow, you sure look menacing in those overalls