Switch It Off!

I keep missing episodes of Kitchen Nightmares and I can't find any of them on Youtube or any other video streaming website so lately I've just been catching anything Ramsay I can get my hands on.

Couple nights ago I had a dream that I was actually on Hell's Kitchen as a contestant. Don't know why the producers decided to put me on considering the most experience I have in the kitchen was a brief stint as a dishwasher and cooking for myself. Those are the contestants I hate to see on the show. When you're 40, never worked in a professional kitchen but think that playing Mr. Mom (No man with any self-respect should call themself that) qualifies you to be a head chef at a billion dollar casino, then you're about as crazy as some bald eunuch who calls himself a Jedi.

After being eliminated from Hell's Kitchen, contestant Jason Underwood moved to England where he went from sous chef to unemployed Jedi Knight

But it seems that I had made it past the first episode since I was actually doing a challenge (They never do those on the first episode) and the challenge was to cut a whole chicken into eight pieces (Thigh, thigh, wing, wing, drum, drum, breast, breast).

So I went at my chicken and thought I was doing a pretty good job when all of a sudden time was up. Time to present Chef Ramsay with my butchery and see if I'm up to his standard. However as another of my team was up for scrutinizing, something horrible just occurred to me: My chicken has vanished. All the parts that I had cut up were gone. I was looking around for it, wondering if anyone had moved it away. And at this point I'm starting to panic.

Yeah, deep down, I'm sure that Gordon Ramsay is a nice guy who really likes to have a good time but I know that when you're screwing up risotto or under cooking a beef Wellington that he's pretty intimidating. However the dream quickly ended before he could get to me. What's even weirder was that I don't even remember seeing Ramsay to begin with

"A Hell's Kitchen dream without me? GET OUT!!!!"

The Flying J-ack of All Trades

I'll be honest and admit that I wanted to quit after my first day at Flying J. And after the second day...then after the first week...you can see where this is going.

But that was back in the middle of November and by some force of willpower, determination and perhaps divine intervention I'm still there. And keep in mind, I've had maybe 30 minutes worth of training. That's right, despite being there since November, I've not completed any of my J-Training (That's what they call it) which is required by all employees.

But lately I've been getting a lot of notice from people higher in the Flying J food chain. Last week my manager (Who shall be known as K) pulled me aside just before my shift was to start and threw me into a room with a lady from head office.

"Yeah, just talk," instructed K as he left the room.

Both and I the woman from corporate (Let's call her CL-for Corporate Lady!) felt a bit awkward because I don't think either of us knew what this was about or what we were supposed to say. We just stood there for 10 seconds until I decided to break the ice with some lame ass humour.

"My hobbies include cooking, reading, boxing...and even though I don't look like it, I do like to lift weights," which earned a laugh though whether it was genuine or not doesn't matter. It turns out that she wanted to see me because apparently I'm getting a lot of praise, not just from other employees but from customers as well.

You know, while I am appreciative of positive feedback, I would really like it if it was said to my face instead via proxy. I mean, it pisses me off when people talk shit behind my back, imagine how annoying it is when they're saying good things behind your back.

I could sort of tell though that I was progressing a lot quicker than people who had been hired months before I started. Right now I work at the fuel desk, the restaurant as a cashier and shortly I'm going to be getting training to dispense propane...though I have a feeling that's unlikely. It really is quite a juggling act. I've got to go to fuel desk, then relieve restaurant cashier for her two breaks and half hour lunch as well as do my best to maintain the store cleanliness. Also I've been put into the position of head cashier, which means that on top of taking an inventory of all cigarettes and cash, if there are no managers around, the buck stops with me. Which also makes it very awkward when some dillhole comes screaming about something I don't know about because I haven't been trained in that area. My advanced apologies to Mr. and Mrs. Dickhead.

Yeah, it also seems that I have good customer relation skills. Which isn't that surprising to me. I've always worked good with people who aren't assholes and who have the patience to let me help them. One time I had to call a credit card company to correct something that went wrong with a female trucker's transaction. I spent about 15 minutes on the phone and genuinely felt bad for the lady because if this wasn't corrected, she would have to pay for the fuel and not get reimbursed by her company. When I was all done I just leaned in on the counter and said, "Listen, even though this wasn't my fault (It wasn't-someone else made the mistake), I still feel bad about this happening and the whole waiting process. If you want, just go to the fountain drink, get whatever drink you want in whatever sized cup you want-it's on me."
She seemed really surprised and satisfied with this result and in a way, it satisfied me too.

A lot of people I work with don't know how to deal with people. One night a few weeks ago, one of my cashiers had a customer at his till. The customer had given the cashier (who shall be known as G) the money and if he had offered a penny, he wouldn't get a buttload of change back. However he did not have a penny. Usually in these cases, I just shrug it off, throw a penny of my own in there or just pretend that I threw a penny in there. Because when they check our numbers at the end of the day, a penny isn't going to sound a lot of alarms. Instead, G-who can be a real dick if he wants to be-decided not to offer a penny. I was very close to walking down to his till myself and throwing a penny but by that point it was too late. The customer was furious (I can understand his point of view-It's a fucking penny, G!) and vowed never to return. Instead of ignoring what he said, G retorted with how his till had to balance at the end of his shift or he would get in trouble (Again-It's a fucking penny, G!). The customer cursed G out to which G replied loudly, "Eat shit, sir!"

Either G was just being an asshole on purpose or he's worried about pennies that badly. K was there to hear the last few words and later spoke to me about it because he was just surprised at what happened. He seemed to be more on the customer's side than G which didn't surprise me because it's a fucking penny! Plus he should have really said something to G about telling a customer to eat shit. If that customer was mentally unstable or just a bigger dickhead than average, G would most likely be trying to fight off the customer and I think it's safe to assume that G can't fight to save his life. In fact if you hear a grown man ask the question, "Who do you like more, Liza Minelli or Judy Garland" then I think we can assume that he can't fight at all. Maybe like a girl but that doesn't count too much.
Bad customers cannot be sworn at. You've got to be firm with them and at the same time, very calm. I'm studying a lot of Marco Pierre White's techniques on this.

Right now there's a lot of hinting that I might be up for promotion as soon as my 90 days are through (Trust me it's felt a lot longer than 90 days already). Now what is involved in this promotion, I have no idea, I intend to ask K about it. But if it means more money, then maybe I'll stay longer than I thought I would

The Flying J-erk Around

Lately it seems that there are more problems at work than there are in the negotiations for the Mayweahter/Pacquiao bout. With fifteen minutes being cut from our work day (Turning an 8 hour day into a 7 hour and forty-five minute day) for some reason that I don't fully understand it has now come to my attention that they are now cutting our hours back so now we work a 7 hour work day (Work day is now 6:45).

Christmas and all that

I've been up since 4AM and for some reason am not the least bit fatigued. First off let me just say that I adore scallops. While most people were pigging out on turkey, cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes, I abandoned the traditional Christmas dinner for my own unique twist-sirloin steak cooked medium (something I pulled off with Ramsay-esque perfection) and roasted sea scallops.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...?

Since the beginning of the month, despite the cycle of songs on the radio throughout the Flying J, I cannot seem to get into the Christmas spirit. Even more shocking to me is how quickly the month has been flying by when in comparison to November. The days just seemed to drip through time like syrup whereas now I feel like there are never enough hours in the day either to do some shopping for my family (and myself) or to sleep.

The Flying Assholes

About a week before Flying J took me on as their newest employee (a title that keeps changing as more and more employees are fired/resigning and more people are hired) they switched over to a 24/7 prepay system. Simply put, you have to pay before we turn on the pumps. No exceptions, no nothing. However this has gotten some customers to declare, “I’m never coming to this place again!” or “I’m not going to be surprised in three months when this place goes down!” Since I am in front of a till and have the ability to control all the pumps, this has brought most of the criticism in my direction as well as that of my co-workers. While Flying J policy insists that we turn the other cheek (I would prefer to show them the cheeks of my ass), I have decided that I am not going to take verbal abuse any longer, especially if the customer reacts to the policy like they've just been told that in order for me to turn on the pumps they must first service me orally. I almost implemented this policy last weekend when a customer (late 50’s at least) came in while my supervisor (Let’s call her C) was out for a smoke. The customer (Let’s call him A-Hole) came in and when informing him of the policy and explaining that there was nothing I could do about it, instructed me to get C. For some reason, customers like A-Hole seem to assume that when we say, “There’s nothing I can do about it” or “It’s out of our control” that we are lying, naturally. And in all fairness they’re half right. I could turn on the pumps, let them pump their gas and then have them come in and pay it. But then I’d be out of a job because management is really strict about stuff like that. So alas, no rebellion on our part for customer satisfaction can be tolerated and unless a customer is able to get me a new job straight away with better pay, less hours and less work altogether, then their pleas are no good to me. C was brought in (She later told me, “As soon as I saw him, I knew there was going to be trouble.”) and A-Hole explained himself. A-Hole: You know me, I’ve been coming here ever since this place opened! C: I know but that’s the policy. A-Hole: Well that’s bullshit! (Looks at me) Just turn on the pump, I’ll leave my debit card here, and you can charge me when I’m done. SchweitzerMan: I can’t. A-Hole: Well, what the fuck!? (To C) I want you to turn those pumps on! You’re lying about not being able to turn them on! SchweitzerMan: No I’m not! (I would have gotten into it verbally with this prick but C held up a hand to keep me cool and I’m glad she did) Eventually C was able to convince A-Hole that there was no going around it and that he had to pay first. He slammed his debit card down on the counter in front of me. SchweitzerMan: How much do you want to put in? A-Hole: I want to fill it up! SchweitzerMan: Well, I need a dollar amount since you’re paying with a debit card. A-Hole: WHAT!? I should probably mention that for prepay, if you’re doing it with credit card, you get charged for whatever you pump, but with a debit card, you have to set a dollar amount and should you pump less than that, you come back in the store and we give you the difference. However, A-Hole was acting like his namesake. SchweitzerMan: Ain’t I a stinker? (OK, that last line didn’t really happen, but I was thinking it). A-Hole: I don’t know how much I’m going to put in! What the hell am I supposed to do about that!? SchweitzerMan: Sir, it’s better to give a high amount, that way if you don’t put the full amount in, we give you the difference back in cash. A-Hole: Oh no! This is a company card, that’s going to fuck up my accounting! How am I going to explain that to my company? SchweitzerMan: (Starting to get annoyed with him) Sir, I can print you out a receipt showing that this is money we give back to you. C: This is how we do it every time here. A-Hole: Well this will be the last time it ever happens here! Eventually A-Hole decided he would put in $700 into his truck and left. SchweitzerMan: (To C) Well, problem solved. He said this is the last time we’d have to deal with this problem. I knew that he would be back because his truck probably wouldn’t take that much gas. All of the other cashiers were watching with baited breath, hoping to see what would happen and if any slurs would be flung. A-Hole slammed his receipt on the counter in some attempt to intimidate me but he was about as intimidating as Siegfried and Roy so I actually spent the rest of my time biting the inside of my mouth in an attempt not to laugh. A-Hole: Now what if I wanted to put a thousand dollars into my truck and I only pumped one hundred dollars worth? SchweitzerMan: I suppose I would have to give you back nine hundred dollars. A-Hole: Well then I think I know what I’m going to do next time. We’ll see how clever you think you are. SchweitzerMan: OK. I knew he was trying to get some reaction out of me but I kept biting my cheek and decided to just have a blasé attitude about him from here on out. I suppose I could have informed him that his plan would not work, as the limit for debit here is about $700, but I decided to let him get excited enough to spray his shorts about getting one up on Flying J staff and wished him a good day. Sorry, but there’s no need to be an asshole. I don’t determine company policy otherwise I think I would be making a lot more money than I do at the moment and like I said, I would get paid for sleeping on the job. I've also decided to make it a policy to instruct customers not to refer to me as Jesus Christ. Every so often I'll have a customer like A-Hole and upon explaining the policy they seem to deem me their lord and saviour and cry, "Jesus Christ!" While it is flattering, I am afraid that it might offend any non-Christians in the workplace. That and I can't walk on water.