Movie Review: Star Wars

 Last month a good friend picked me up from work with the idea that we'd have a quick bite to eat at a buffet and then catch a movie.

He knew of a theatre in Canyon Meadows that had cheap ticket prices and was even showing classic movies. You can imagine the gasp I made when I saw they were going to be showing Star Wars from 1977.

"Marlon, please," I begged. "We have to see it!"

"But...haven't you seen it before?" Marlon asked me.

"Yes!" I told him. "Many times. I could probably recite the whole movie."

"So...why do you want to see-?"

"Because you haven't seen it," I explained. "And...if you're going to watch Star Wars for the first time, you have to see it on the big screen."

Movie Review: Batman & Bill (2017)

 

Life is unfair and a lot of times, not everyone gets the credit or recognition they deserve. Ask anyone at a comic convention the question, "Who created Spider-Man" most people are going to give the name "Stan Lee" as the only answer. If you prompted them to name anyone else, chances are they would draw a blank, unaware of this brilliant artist named Steve Ditko.

Bill Finger was in his own way very similar to Ditko; there aren't many photographs of him, few interviews and chances are most people are unaware that Bill Finger is co-creator of one of the most iconic heroes in all of fiction: Batman

The Comics Conundrum: Robin #156

I can remember moving to the city of Waterloo in 2007 and discovering a comic store within blocks of where I lived. In that first visit (The first of many during the summer months I lived there), I remember passing a rack of DC comics back issues and I saw a title that I had been familiar with in the past but hadn’t read for a long time: Robin.

In Response to Martin Scorsese...

It goes without saying that David Lean's classic, Lawrence of Arabia, is my favorite film of all time. I first discovered the movie when I was 15 and became obsessed with it, renting it weekend after weekend and it was the first DVD I ever bought.

I've always wanted to put together a list of my favorite films but I know for certain that at the very top is Lawrence and I know a lot of filmmakers who would do so as well.

Steven Spielberg has spoken about the influence it had on him when he first saw it as a teenager and how he goes back and revisits it before starting his next film. Another great filmmaker who recognizes its brilliance is Martin Scorsese.

Character Damage Control: Kes

If you know me or if you've read this blog for long enough, you know that I love Star Trek. I have since I was a little kid and even though most of what the franchise has crapped out lately has been...well, crap-I still enjoy the older series nonetheless.

I have a friend who also is a big fan of the franchise and at least once a day will send me a text message with a question or comment about an episode or something from the franchise because he knows I'm big enough of a savant that without context, I'll know precisely what he's talking about.

"Star Trek: Voyager premiered on January 16, 1995 and ran until May 23, 2001 across seven seasons and 168 episodes, four of which are feature-lengthed."

Book Review: The Accidental Billionaires-The Founding of Facebook

I remember an airplane ride from Calgary to Las Vegas back in 2011 where I first watched the movie, The Social Network. It didn't take long for me to enjoy it & in the years since it's probably one of my favorite movies of all time. 

But I wanted to know if there was more to the story than what was in David Fincher's film and chances are there was. Hence, I was very glad when this past Christmas I got as a gift the nonfiction novel which the screenplay for the movie was adapted from, The Accidental Billionaires.

Movie Review: Halloween (1978)

This was a review for John Carpenter's "Halloween" that I wrote a few years ago after watching it at a nearby theatre.

 "Halloween started as a low-budget horror film about babysitters being stalked by this serial killer, not a man with a backstory but a force of evil."

-John Carpenter, 2001

"Laurie Strode was EVERYBODY'S daughter, everybody's sister and therefore, if you believed Laurie Strode existed, then when Michael Myers comes in you are afraid for her."

-Jamie Lee Curtis, 2001

Movie Review: Halloween (2018)

This was something I wrote on Facebook two years ago after seeing the latest "Halloween" movie at the time.

In his review of Halloween from 1978, Roger Ebert gave the film four stars and compared it to Hitchcock's "Psycho".

Having just returned from seeing Halloween, the new sequel, I too can compare that to "Psycho".

Unfortunately, it's the remake of "Psycho" from 1998, directed by Gus Van Sant which made a lot of people ask, "What's the point?"

Movie Review: "What We Left Behind: Looking Back at Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"

I remember back in May of 1994, it was the finale to Star Trek: The Next Generation and the build up to this finale was massive. A show that had a bumpy beginning had now become the most popular show on television and they were bowing out and it seemed like everyone was treating this as the big deal I, as a seven year old, knew it to be.
The finale lived up to the hype, was a perfect way to wrap up the series and cap off a season where the show was starting to run out of ideas.

When Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ended in June of 1999...it barely made a blip on the entertainment radar.

"Sensors confirm no coverage from Entertainment Tonight or Entertainment Weekly, Captain."

Schweitzer-Man meets Stan Lee!!!

I had gone to the Calgary Expo many times over the past few years and despite getting the autographs of some actors, artists and writers, I never sought one from the man who was arguably the main attraction to each and every convention he went to: Stan Lee. 

You'd think a huge nerd and history buff like me would want the autograph of one of the few living legends left from Marvel's golden age but, and I must be honest, sometimes I'm not the biggest fan of Stan Lee himself. 

I'm not going to deny his accomplishments but I think a lot of times people give him too much credit undeservedly and he's very unwilling to share that credit. 

Calgary Expo 2015 Wish List

I've had a blast each time I go to the annual Calgary Expo. They always have great guests and I've picked up great comics, beautiful pieces of art and gotten autographs from people who have inspired me and made both childhood and adulthood awesome.

Ever since the end of last year's Expo I kept thinking about who I would like to see attend next year. So, even though there's around eight months before the Expo and there's plenty of chance to make arrangements for these people to attend, these are people I would like to see at the 2015 Calgary Expo.

Book Review-Zits: Shredded

No, the above image is not an artist's rendition of me. Stop asking!

Last May, I wrote a review of the book Zits: Chillax by Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman, based off the popular comic strip of the same name. If you're not going to go and read that review, let me sum it up for you: I really liked it. In fact, Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman even liked my review because they featured it on their website. Not gonna lie, that was really cool.

Review: Man of Steel

For a lot of kids, the first superhero they're exposed to growing up is Superman. When I was younger it was Batman but as I got to the age of six or seven, I really became interested in Superman. I'd read whatever comics my parents were nice enough to buy, even though I didn't always understand the continuity going on and when I was in grade two, me and the teacher wrote to the ABC network after he heard talk that Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman was in danger of being cancelled. I was such a big fan of the show around that time that I even used to wear a home made Superman shirt to school once a week.

And for the record, the show stayed on the air several years after we mailed that letter. I don't know if we had any impact on it's remaining TV run or not but I still have the letter that ABC sent me in reply. I watched the Superman animated series that aired in the mid-nineties and while it never reached the popularity of...another animated series, I think it might actually be a bit underrated at times.

"Someone's playing Superman 64? I'll stop them!"

Book Review-Zits: Chillax

Any similarities between the character on the cover and the author of this blog are (hopefully) coincidence and (hopefully) unintentional

I was probably in grade six when my parents called me over to look at a comic strip. In it, a teenage boy was chained in a dungeon while a voice off-panel asked him how his day at school was. The next four or five panels featured something similar: An exercise in torture with a side of everyday questioning. The last panel showed the teenager looking physically spent, sitting at a table with his parents simply saying they weren't holding an inquisition. 

Since most of the questions from my parents concerning school and the like felt like that to me when I was that age-and to this day-I instantly knew that I had found something special. This was the comic strip Zits. 

Cinemassacre's Monster Madness

If you've been on the Internet, chances are you've heard of James Rolfe, also known as the Angry Video Game Nerd. While I'm not the biggest fan of toilet humour, Rolfe seems to have this ability to make shitting on a bad video game hilarious to me. I can't explain it but something about taking a massive dump on the Nightmare on Elm Street video game always leaves me in stitches.

Every day for the month of October, Rolfe goes through the history of horror films and reviews one movie (On rare occasions will he review two in one day) starting with the oldest films he can find and working his way up to the modern era. Every year has it's own theme and this year he's been going over sequels. If you're a film buff, like movies or movie reviews, check out Cinemassacre's Monster Madness.

Yeah, nothing really funny in this post but I really admire Rolfe's work and think that good work deserves a shameless plug. Not that I'm gonna drive up his hit count or anything...

Beware of Beware The Batman

I hate repeating myself but as most of you have gathered from my review of the graphic novel Batman: Year One, I'm a huge fan of the Caped Crusader. Hell, I can remember the first time I watched Batman: The Animated Series when I was a kid. It was an awesome series and set the standard for other superhero cartoons.

They tried to make other Batman cartoons after the DCAU (DC Animated Universe) came to an end when Justice League: Unlimited (A spin-off of Batman: TAS) aired it's finale in 2006. Warner Bros. animation started before that and aired a new series simply called The Batman in 2004. I watched a few episodes of it because I am an immature little man wanted to see what they would do that the first series hadn't done before. Giving the Joker dreadlocks was not one of the great decisions. I mean, if you want to give the Joker a new direction, dreadlocks are not the answer.

This picture pretty much speaks for itself

Some of the latest cartoon superhero shows have been pretty good. I've been watching Young Justice and that's a really cool show. I've always wanted to check out Batman: The Brave and the Bold but something about it just keeps me away. Maybe because I'm older, I want something a little darker and more character driven out of my superheroes and there's nothing like that for Batman. At least not yet. Cartoon Network recently announced that they would be launching a new series in two years with an interesting title, Beware the Batman.

Cool, maybe a different origin story like The Batman was but didn't succeed at. Darker incarnations of The Joker, Riddler, Two-Face with amazing animation and...

...What the Bat-fuck?

Look, I'm all for the evolution of animation but...CG animated Batman is not the way to go. My friend Aaron is a fan of the Green Lantern. I personally have no interest because his weakness is the colour yellow. So yeah, piss on him and he's useless. But when I heard that there was going to be a Green Lantern cartoon series, I thought it would be interesting to check out.

What turned me off from it right away was that it was CG animated. I'm sorry, when everything looks like something you'd see on a TV show for babies, it's not going to attract me as a viewer. The same goes for this.

And plus...is that a guy wearing a pig mask? I'll admit, I'm doing my best to follow DC's New 52 universe with some difficulty but is Batman fighting a man in a pig mask now? Plus I think that's a frog or just a messed up version of Killer Croc beside the pig. And...who's the chick with white hair? Wasn't she in Monsters vs Aliens?

Kinda looks like her...make her eyes darker and that's it

However if there's one thing that absolutely disgusts me about this, it's Alfred. You're probably thinking, "Gee, Schweitzer-Man, got something against the English?" Normally, no, but in this case, Alfred is what's going to ruin the show. You don't even have to be a huge Batman fan to know who Alfred is. The old guy, loyal butler to the Wayne family, always tidying up Wayne Manor, creating an alibi for his boss and tending to any wounds got on the battlefield.

So why in the hell did the creators of the show decide that they would make Alfred be wielding guns to help Batman fight crime. Now, let's look at this logically: Batman, who's own parents were murdered after being shot by a petty criminal, thinks that the best way to fight crime is to have a senior citizen going around and SHOOTING THE BAD GUYS WITH GUNS!? And those look like real guns. Most kids shows today just have the bad guys shooting laser weapons of some kind but those look like bullets coming out of Alfred's gun. That's just what Gotham needs; a near senile butler going around shooting people he thinks are criminals because they don't know where he can find Gold Bond at 2:30 in the morning.

"Do you want me to put a cap in your ass?"

I'd go into his sidekick not being Robin but instead some chick with a sword but I'm not going to. To sum it up, this looks like one big pile of Bat-crap. Let's just hope they don't get Frank Miller to write a few episodes.

Batman: Year One

For some unexplained reason lately I've been on some sort of Batman obsession. If there's anything that might have sparked it it's the constant flow of speculation about The Dark Knight Rises. I've seen photos of what might be a Batplane, people are bitching about Catwoman's costume, footage of filming is being leaked and the rumours never seem to die.

What might also be helping is the reboot of the entire DC Universe. That's right, everything old that was new and became old again is new again. Batman's been fighting crime for only five years now or something...I don't know. I didn't follow the news that closely however I might go and pick up some issues since everything should be easy to follow. But instead I'll tell you what I thought of a Batman collection I'd been meaning to pick up for some time.

Relax, this was before Frank Miller directed 'The Spirit'

First off, if you're worried about being confused by comic book jargon, back stories and whathaveyou, you can relax. This story explains everything for those new to the Dark Knight although if there's one significant difference is that Commissioner Gordon has a son when most people know that his only child is his daughter, Barbra, later goes on to become Batgirl and then Oracle.

I really liked this book and have re-read it twice since I got it two weeks ago. If there's one thing that surprises me about the story is that it's more of Jim Gordon's story than it is Batman's. More pages seem to be dedicated to him than the Caped Crusader and he also seems to be doing more monologuing and at times it seems as if we don't know enough about Bruce Wayne, what he was doing for the past 12 years (He is 25 in the story meaning that he's been gone since he was 13) or how he revealed his plans to Alfred. Did the faithful butler know that his employer was out doing reconnaissance work when he got stabbed and shot or did he answer the bell at the end of the first chapter to find a bloody Bruce Wayne insisting that he not call an ambulance since it would jeopardize his future plans?

"You're young, rich and healthy...but instead you want to fight crime dressed as a BAT!?"

Then there's the issue of Selina Kyle who starts out as a hooker and eventually becomes Catwoman. Now that's all well and fine but I'm somewhat curious as to how many hookers know karate. I'm not joking either, when she attacks Bruce Wayne, he notes that she knows karate but just karate. Most hookers I've met use tazers or pepper-spray. That or just a kick to the nuts.

Her story seems...too brief. It almost feels like there was supposed to be a lot more in there but the editors cut it out. Hell, the last we see of her is just one small panel where she's bitching about she's being suspected of being Batman's accomplice. Jump to a month later in the story and not even a mention of her. Considering how much Frank Miller likes to write female characters who are whores or just parading around in their underwear these days, you'd think he'd have some sort of conclusion where her and Batman have some sort of detailed encounter where he warns her to stay away and hints that he might know her secret identity or something. I don't know, it just feels like there's no proper conclusion.

Wait, is this Catwoman or a dominatrix?

Also, there's not a lot of Batman in the final chapter of the story. The last action scene doesn't even involve Batman, it's just Bruce Wayne wearing a motorcycle helmet. Was it just not logical that it take place at night, during Gordon's day off? Plus, it would have been nice if we ended with a shot of Wayne in the Batcave (Something that was always mentioned but never shown) finishing up or halfway through construction of the Batmobile. I'm very curious how he was able to get from Wayne Manor to Gotham City and back all those times.

But does this mean that it's a bad story? Nope. It's a great story. A must read for any Batman fan or anyone who wants a superhero story that feels grounded in real life. It may have stuff that stick out as flaws to me but I only noticed because that's what happens when I re-read stuff for the third or fourth time. It doesn't take away from my enjoyment.

But also reading this makes you a bit sad. Given what Frank Miller has done creatively in the last couple of years (All Star Batman and Robin, The Spirit movie) you have to wonder what happened. Stories like Batman: Year One and The Dark Knight Returns are considered the best graphic novels of all time, right up there with Watchmen. And yet the most memorable thing he's given us lately is:

Seriously, Frank...why?

The Magic of Podcasting

Last night I did a podcast with a friend from college and a friend of his. If you enjoy my work and would like to hear what I actually sound like in person, just listen to the latest podcast from the Basement Vagrants. Let me know if you like it and please, no comments telling me how much I sound like my father.

Bringing Real Life to Sesame Street

Like a lot of kids, I watched Sesame Street when I was a little kid. By the time you're about four years old you've outgrown it but still, it's one of the first TV shows that you watch. And you can probably remember most of the characters: Big Bird, Snuffy, Grover, Elmo and of course Ernie and Bert.

Now, before I get into this whole controversy about the petition to get them married, let me just say that this never occurred to me until I was about 12. That was when Jerry Falwell was railing against the Teletubby known as Tinky Winky, insisting that he was a homosexual character. I remember a comedian suggesting that if Falwell go after any characters that were supposedly gay, he should go after Bert and Ernie.

Can you tell me how to get the hell out of this neighbourhood?

And yeah, everyone's joked about this but in all seriousness, come on, do you really think this stupid petition is going to work? They're fucking muppets, they don't have a sexual orientation. But I've seen things from the other side and thought, "Why should we stop with gay marriage for Bert and Ernie? Shouldn't this show cover other hot topic issues that younger audiences might care about?" I thought so and that's why I wrote a letter to Childrens Television Workshop, detailing some very interesting storylines which I'm sure views will enjoy.

1. Immigration-Maria and Luis decide to go on a cross country road trip but encounter some trouble when they enter the state of Arizona. It turns out that Luis has been living in the country illegally and now faces deportation! The residents of Sesame Street rally to try and get a good lawyer as well as teach children outside of North America how to keep a low profile while waiting for your fake green card to arrive in the mail.

Naturally I don't think this would work in real life because, I mean, come on, Sesame Street teaching kids to break the law? You're more likely to find an episode of Barney where he teaches those kids how to roll a joint.

This would attract the 18-39 demographic that always eludes them...

2. Hoarding-After black mold nearly kills him, Oscar the Grouch is confronted by the residents of Sesame Street about his lifestyle. It is revealed that Oscar has abandonment issues and fears losing everything of value which is why he holds onto everything...even if it really has no value. It is also revealed that Oscar hasn't bathed since the Truman administration.

This will be a great chance for Sesame Street to do a crossover with A&E's Hoarders. Plus, it'll teach children at an early age that no matter how bad you think your own life is, there's always someone on TV you can point to and say, "Holy shit, that dude's messed up!"

3. Narcissism-Elmo gets his ass kicked by people who are sick and tired of his dumb 'Tickle-Me' ass always speaking in the third person. He is encouraged to get well but also told that it will probably happen again unless he doesn't change his ways.

I don't care if I sound like a total asshole when I call for the beating and near death of a "beloved" television character. Would you want your kid to grow up always referring to themselves in the third person? No, it's annoying and you'd kick their ass if they weren't your kid. And if you say you wouldn't then you need your ass kicked.

Someone has to stop him...

4. Addiction-Everyone knows that Big Bird's best friend is Mr. Snuffeupagus, also commonly referred to as "Snuffy". But it is revealed that the nickname comes not from a shortening of his last name, but due to his addiction to cocaine. Snuffy is caught by Big Bird doing three lines of cocaine, each line a metre long. He insists that he can quit anytime but decides to go to rehab after nearly ODing outside Mr. Hooper's store.

This would be a great episode to show kids that it's OK to ask for help when you've really fucked up. And it would also show that if you care enough about your friends, you'll do anything you can to help them. Plus it would include special guest star Charlie Sheen as himself.

The way this guy spoke, you knew he was on something illegal

5. Facing Facts-I'm not sure about the rest of you, but sometimes when I was a little kid, I wasn't sure if Big Bird was a guy or just a really butchy female bird. Now it's obvious that he's a boy but since we're trying to cater to all audiences, why not just have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite?

Why not? Come on, everyone knows this one is true. You can have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite and have special guest star Lady Gaga do the same thing. That and have someone beat her up for her narcissism as well.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me. And I thought Paris Hilton was desperate for attention

Shocker! Amy Winehouse is Dead!!!

A little over a year ago I wrote a piece about former teen actress and current waste of space, Lindsay Lohan. She had just been sentenced to a light prison sentence where she would be cut off from the booze and drugs but have plenty of access to any lesbian inmate she wanted and I applauded the decision. As I mentioned in that article, addicts piss me off.

And while I've made jokes about another addict in the past, I never wrote a page about her probably because I assumed she would just OD one day and that there was no point. However she kind of hung on and escaping death like my idiot cat, Butch. But the Grim Reaper can't be held off forever and today it seems that Amy Winehouse has done her last line...either in the form of music or cocaine. Take your pick. And yes, no cause of death has been confirmed yet but...come on, use your head.

How I signed my reaction to Amy Winehouse's death (I have a sore throat)

Look, I know that for members of her family, her friends and to fans that this must be a really sad day for them, but come on, it's not like she was making headlines for her singing ability lately. Every other article was about her fucking up a stage show, her entering or leaving rehab or how someone close to her was worried she might not be around too long if she didn't get her act together.

Go on YouTube and type in "Amy Winehouse Drunk" and you'll find that those videos have more views and comments than any video of her where she's actually singing or aware of what month it is. The woman was a wreck, looked like one and moved like one on stage.

Don't believe me? Check out this video and tell me if I'm wrong. Hell, if anything, the title is misleading because it says she "Performs". However, if you go to an Amy Winehouse performance, do you expect to see her sing or walk around the stage like a blind man who's just been hit in the head with a baseball bat and ask band members where she can score some coke?

Wait, this is Amy Winehosue, so chances are that "sing" was the last thing you expected. And if you did, it probably wasn't worth what you paid.

I know I might be a little cold and downright mean with my words right now but one thing I can't get over is that she was just 27. That's just two years older than me. Imagine that, you're in the prime of your life and for the past couple of years all you've done is just self-destruct and piss away everything you ever did or wanted to do? Like with Lohan, I would love to have the adoring fans, the ability to inspire, to have fans waiting for my autograph. And besides, what the hell was so hard about your life that you needed drugs and alcohol to end it?

Look, I enjoy a good drink. At Aaron's bachelor party I was drunk to the point where after I downed a shot of God knows what, I raised my arms and proclaimed, "I AM A MAN!!!" and continued to wolf down a deep fried cheesecake. But I know my limits. I don't do it every night, every week or every month even. In fact, the last time I can remember having anything alcoholic was at Aaron's wedding.

Is it sad that she's dead? Yes, of course. But we shouldn't act surprised by it or any other celebrity who spends more time at the Betty Ford Clinic than doing their job. Honestly, let's just make Robert Downey Jr. a motivational speaker for retarded celebrities who didn't get the message even after South Park put is so plainly for us.

This was the best picture of her I could find of her

As a final note, I would like to say that while Amy Winehouse was indeed a talented singer, it's a shame that the troubles she brought into her personal life overshadowed all the accomplishments she made (and could have made) in her professional life.