Sunday, July 25, 2010

Irony is a Bitch

At times when I don't feel like writing, I'll see something and then have five paragraphs about it in three minutes.

But when I do feel like writing, I spend twenty minutes staring at a blank screen, experimenting with a good opening line until I say, "Fuck it" and watch Family Guy online

Where can I get a hat like that?

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Be a NINJA!!!!!

I was at the gym recently and as I was leaving I saw a flyers on the desk that I had overlooked before. Always looking for new reading material, I picked it up and saw the following explanation in the top right corner:

Ninjutsu: Ninjutsu was developed as a collection of fundamental survivalist techniques in the warring states of feudal Japan.

My first immediate thought was, "Ninjas live in Calgary?" and wondering if this was foreshadowing to me entering a time vortex and getting sucked back in feudal Japan so that I could keep the entire cast of The Last Samurai from crying at the end of the movie.

"Oh, hai."

Some of you may think I'm going to start knocking martial arts but the truth is I'm not. I have great respect for it considering that Bruce Lee is one of my idols. But I'm just taking a look at the flyer and examining what else it explains about this course.
Well, it seems that before you can get to Ninjutsu, you first must conquer the five levels of Taijutsu.

Well, wait a minute, isn't that the biggest tease ever. You lure people in by telling that you're going to train them to be a ninja...only after they've mastered another form of fighting. OK, let's examine the five levels.

A moment most Chuck Norris fans would like to forget

Level 1: Earth-This is where you learn the foundation of your training with physical exercise, basic punches and kicks, rolling, and dodging

Why would you roll if you can dodge? For that matter, when have you ever seen anyone actually roll on the ground when fighting...aside from those near-homoerotic moments in UFC. The only time I can recall someone rolling in a fight was Bruce Lee and that was when he had a whole Japanese dojo charging at him before he bitch-slapped them with his nunchuks.

Level 2: Water-In water, you learn to be flexible, to "go with the flow", soft strikes, leadership and basic grappling

You know, you could have just used (again) Bruce Lee's famously quoted, "Be water, my friend" speech. Would have been so much cooler

Level 3: Fire-Fire is all about independence; where you start to take what you have learned and make it fit your body type. Fast and explosive is the training method for this level and to learn the meaning of full commitment

That's fire? OK, you better hope a lot of people who sign up aren't people who have seen Naruto otherwise you're going to have some pissed off anime nerds on your hands.

Maybe he's a dragon and not a ninja...

Level 4: Wind-Getting into distance fighting, and reading body language, to learn how to anticipate the next move, and how to talk your way out of a situation with the confidence to back it up

Bruce Lee wouldn't have walked away...I'm just sayin'...

Level 5: Void-Void is where it all starts to come together. Combining all 4 levels and learning the history of the system, to prepare you for your Black Belt.

Void? Sorry, just seems like kind of an empty title (Ha...ha). Especially if it's the level where you bring everything together

Hey, hold on a second! Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Void...sounds kinda familiar. You know what, if you substituted "Heart" for "Void", that sounds like something out of a bad Ted Turner environmental cartoon show.

Now this class makes sense to me. You learn these five stages and combine them to make you start your path to being a ninja. So let's just call the fifth level Heart because to me that makes more sense. So, Earth, Water, Fire, Wind and Heart.
When the five Levels combine, they summon Earth's greatest champion:

All kidding aside, the course does sound interesting and if I wasn't so lazy at times, had reliable transportation and wasn't such a boxing fanatic that commitment to any other sports seems like heresy. Besides, I think just learning the five levels of taijutsu would be enough. I mean, in freakin' Calgary, do you think we have a need for ninjas?

Also, if I'm in a fight, do you think your opponent is going to give you time to remember what pocket you left your shuriken in?

"Hi, I'm Naruto, and I have the most unrealistic outfit related to my profession since April O'Neil. Believe it!!!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Her Misery Equals My Satisfaction

Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan was known for having a movie career and not for wild drinking binges and dating a bull-dyke DJ for a while. It's too bad because Lohan did had potential. Mean Girls was a good movie but other than that, what good or even barely watchable movie has Lindsay Lohan made in the past six years?

Get it? The movie is called "Herbie: FULLY LOADED" and she's an alcoholic. This stuff just writes itself sometimes

It pissed me off that a star with such potential was blowing it all away with drugs and DUIs considering how around that time nothing would have made me happier than to be an actor in Hollywood. But since that never happened for me, I have to settle for the next best thing which is mocking the ones who were lucky enough to make it big only to fuck it up with their own stupidity.

So yeah, after Mean Girls and a few gigs hosting SNL it suddenly seemed that the only reason she was making headlines was because people wanted to know if she was possibly going to rehab or going to go down on Wilmer Valderamma.

"Hi, has anyone seen my career? I lost it ever since That 70's Show went off the air."

And it just went downhill from there. She wasn't making any good movies, her own family was saying that she was out of control (That's like the Manson family saying that Squeaky might be losing it) and that she was just going through a phase with her new girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Her partying was holding up production of her films and at one point a pissed off studio executive publicly released a letter to Lohan where he criticized her work ethic and flat out stated that everyone knows that her so-called "exhaustion" was because she had been up the previous night drinking.

So beyond that, various stints in rehab followed by being busted for driving drunk and possession of cocaine it made me and a few other people scratch our heads and say, "Why the fuck are you famous?" It seemed that Lohan wanted to have a career similar to Robert Downey Jr...except the Robert Downey Jr from 10 years ago, not the one who made a remarkable comeback which totally made us forget about his sordid past.

Lohan later insisted she was doing research for her next movie which would be titled "The Lindsay Lohan Story".

As I mentioned before, her behaviour pissed me off because I wished that I was in the position that she was in. Just to make it clear, I'm referring to her having a career in Hollywood, not having a record for projectile vomit...which is also her career in Hollywood. Anyway, where it used to make me mad, it makes me laugh and cheer whenever I hear that this dumb bitch has gotten herself waist deep in shit.

Addicts piss me off. That's not to say that I don't have sympathy for them because if you're willing to get better and put in an honest to god effort, then I applaud you and hope that your life gets better with each passing day. But those like Lohan who constantly appear in court, beg for one more chance and say how they want to get their life back on track only to go back to the clubs after their get out of court, fuck 'em.

So, Lindsay, being the dummy that she is, decided that she would go to the Cannes Film Festival just a few days before a very important court appearance which could affect her freedom. Naturally, Lindsay is an idiot and somehow "lost" her passport. My theory on what happened to it? She got so drunk and high on a mixture of cocaine and Mr. Clean that she ate it. I've heard that Mr. Clean gives you the munchies.

Hey, aren't you the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation?

So Lindsay came back home, got scolded by a judge who had to put her vacation on hold to sentence Lindsay's dumb bleach-blond ass and told to wear a bracelet that would monitor whether she was drinking or getting high as well as go to alcohol counselling.

Naturally it should come to no surprise that Lohan's bracelet went off one night while she was at a bar. But, gasp!, Lindsay claims that it went off only because alcohol was spilt on the device. Well, I'm sure that after downing enough shots that would put my younger sister in the hospital, Lindsay was bound to lose her balance a bit and spill some on herself.

But today has to be the crown jewel in her career. Facing the same judge she pissed off from before by fucking up her vacation, Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in jail. And the funny thing is, it was for missing her alcohol counselling. I mean, come on, Lindsay, you couldn't just fake it through the counselling and try your hardest to stay awake during the sessions?

I think I've watched that video more than five times by now. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I love more than to see someone get what's coming to them. But I have no idea why she's crying? Prison's not so bad for a girl like her, hasn't she ever watched an episode of OZ? You can get drugs easily and find other lesbians to party with. Wipe your tears, this is a vacation for you.

"Does prison have an open bar?"

Personally, I think if she serves the 90 days, she might come out a better person. I was one of the many lobbying for capital punishment against Paris Hilton but it seems that after her stint in the slammer she seemed to have straightened out her act. But if I were a betting man, I'd say Lindsay tries to hang herself in her cell after realizing that after jail, she'll be expected to go to rehab.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Seriously...What the hell are you thinking?

I was a bit shocked a few days ago when it was announced that longtime CNN talk-show host Larry King would be retiring in the fall. It was something that I never thought he would do considering that Morley Safer and the rest of the gang on 60 Minutes are still going strong despite their combined ages being greater than that of this universe.

But I'm not one to dictate the life of Larry King so I decided to sit down one night after work and watch him discuss his impending retirement with Bill Maher. They were talking about who would replace him and Larry then said one of the most horrifying things I've ever heard come out of the mouth of a Jew (Though my Opa could probably think of worse):
"If he was interested in politics, I'd recommend Ryan Seacrest to replace me."

If this is news to you then you're probably wondering where that slapping sound came from. Well, that ladies and gentlemen, was you. You just did a facepalm at how god damn stupid Larry King could be for wanting Ryan Seacrest to replace him.

Think about it. Larry King, one of the most respected interviewers of the last 25 years or so, a man who has interviewed anyone worth interviewing from people like Mike Tyson (Fresh out of prison, I might add), presidential candidates and even though it hasn't happened, I'm sure Jesus Christ himself would stop by the set to sit down and answer interesting questions like:

1) Did you ever get over the whole, "Mary Magadalene was a prostitute" thing?

2) Do you ever think about having kids of your own?

3) Have you spoken to Judas over the centuries, tried to patch things up?

4) Does it bother you that I don't believe in you?

5) Aren't you supposed to be white?

Anyway, back to what I was saying, you're going to have Larry King replaced by the guy who hosts American Idol? Come on, Ryan Seacrest isn't a journalist. He's a DJ. Besides, they already gave him a TV show back in 2004. What, you don't remember On Air with Ryan Seacrest? Of course you don't because nobody watched it, hence why it was cancelled less than a year into it's run.

I don't know why I'm getting so upset by this since Larry admitted that Seacrest doesn't have any interest in politics and therefore probably wouldn't fit into the role very well. But just the thought of it. It's bad enough that real journalism is dead in this world but when you replace an icon like Larry King with Ryan Seacrest, it makes me want to quit this world.
In all honesty, why not have me replace you Larry? I'm sure I'd look good in suspenders, I do enjoy American politics, I have a direct style that cuts through the bullshit and I promise I won't ask Jerry Seinfeld really stupid questions like, "Your show didn't get cancelled did it?"

Behind the Scenes

It almost sounds a bit strange for me to actually say it out loud but for the past year, I've been making comics. Certainly not on a pro...