Butch

I got a phone call from my dad Sunday morning. It was business as usual (What did you do last night? Who did you do it with?) until he hit me with some pretty sad news.

"The kitty cat passed away last night."

I can only recall my dad calling our family cat, Butch, once and that was in a moment of frustration when he ran out of the house late at night.
The news of his death caught me by surprise because that cat had plenty of close calls in his life and was always knocking on death's door but that was due to his own general stupidity.

We got Butch in the year 2001, around the time of my younger sister's birthday. She picked him out and helped bring him home. I don't remember much about him at that time except he sneezed quite a bit. My dad wasn't impressed with the name Butch; he has this thing about giving animals names that men his age have: Dennis, Louie, Amil and Lyle (He likes that name for Aaron and Katelynn's dog). But Butch he was and it seemed to suit him as a name.

"Meow."

The first problem we had with him was that he was always trying to escape outside the house. And when we first got him he was fast. You'd open the door and he would bolt before you even knew what was happening. Of course we always caught him (We figured out his usual route and blocked off a part of the fence he liked to climb through) but it took a lot of coaxing and sometimes vanilla ice cream or watermelon.

Yeah, Butch liked watermelon. It was strange because we just fed it to him as a bit of a joke but he really liked it. From that moment on whenever he smelt my mom cutting it up he would move towards the counter and stretch his long body and legs to try and grab any bit of it he could. If that didn't work he would give my mom's leg a massage and quickly get a quick slice.

He also ate most of a banana once. My neighbor's grandson fed it to him and we watched as he licked/chewed on it for quite a while. Yet for some reason he wasn't a big fan of peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Whenever he came by and smelt one he would try and bury it.

"Where the watermelon be at?"

Butch was probably the most spoiled cat that didn't belong to a rich family. My younger sister got him into this stupid pattern that whenever he came back inside (We kept him on a harness attached to a leash) he would get a treat. However as time went on, Butch would get his treat and then beg to go outside again only to want to come back in a few minutes later. He wasn't as dumb as we thought.
Also every morning he would get a special breakfast from my mom. She would mix up a little bit of wet cat food with hot water and he thought this was the greatest meal ever. He would sit by the kettle while the water boiled and lick that shit up the the point where he was moving the bowl just with his tongue.
He got this every morning but on the few occasions my mom slept in, he would do his best to get her out of bed. If nuzzling her face didn't work, jumping onto my dad's dresser and knocking over all his medicine bottles would do the trick.

But as much as he liked to eat, he also liked to play. I don't know who started it but whenever I was going up the stairs from the basement, Butch would chase me and swat at my ankles. It's probably not wise to speak ill of the dead, but I think the little kitty bastard was trying to kill me. He knew I was the cute one and that if I was out of the picture, then he'd be the cute one.
So in retaliation I would rough him up a little bit. Have him try and out wrestle my hand and then chase him around the house like I was going to kill him. That cat could run but when he made a leaping jump off the stairs you could hear the impact all throughout the house.

He had a little lamb that he liked to play with. It was about half his size and he fucked it up. Ripped one of it's eyes out and tore some of it's skin. But he also liked to play with other animals. My neighbour's had a bunny rabbit named Blossom and if Butch saw him he went crazy. He'd meow and meow, trying to get the rabbit's attention but Blossom couldn't care less. Every once in a while he would come up to the fence and Butch would just give him a tap on the head, trying to get a reaction. Blossom would just blink and hop away. And I'm pretty sure Butch studied that hop and taught himself how to do it.
He also tried to get the attention of their cat too but Tigger couldn't care less about Butch. Granted I saw Butch give him a tap on the face and Tigger let out a big hiss like he was ready to replace the U in Butch with an I.

"Stop teasing me about my harness, Tigger!"

After I moved out my parents started to let Butch go out on his own, no harness, with the idea that he knew where home was and he knew that he got fed there. There had been some scary nights when he was out for a while but he always came back. Some time last year I was talking to my dad on the phone when all of a sudden he stops the conversation to scream, "Oh, Puss, you're favouring your right paw."
Dad hated the name Butch and would usually call him Puss, Pusser, Puss-Puss and Shithead.
After the injury, they kept him back on the harness for a while. He would like to go out at night and come back in just before going to bed. My dad said that in the last little while that he was sleeping a lot for a cat. It's his idea that Butch knew his time was short.

I like to think that too. I know it sounds stupid but maybe he thought he had a bit more time and decided to go outside for one last little adventure. He was found not too far from our backdoor and he hadn't been gone long because he was still warm. I get the feeling he probably wanted to make it to my parent's bedroom and sleep on his special towel at the end of the bed on my mom's side...but it was too late.

I haven't shed a tear over his passing but that doesn't mean I'm not sad. I'm going to miss not hearing him meow at late hours looking for someone to play with; watching him chase his own tail like a stupid dog or watching him get excited when he sits by the window and chirps at birds he hopes to eat. I'll miss hearing him meow and purr at the same time whenever he gets his special breakfast and those little massages he would give out at the oddest times.

However one thing I won't miss about him was his warped sense of humour in thinking that taking a massive dump on brand new sheets for my bed was a riot. Hadn't even gotten a chance to sleep in them and he's already defiled them with his stench. It was so bad my dad had my sister handle the sheets.

But there were plenty of more good times than bad with Butch and those are the times I'll remember best. I miss my kitty and I always will.

Butch Schweitzer: 2001-December 17, 2011

Shocker! Amy Winehouse is Dead!!!

A little over a year ago I wrote a piece about former teen actress and current waste of space, Lindsay Lohan. She had just been sentenced to a light prison sentence where she would be cut off from the booze and drugs but have plenty of access to any lesbian inmate she wanted and I applauded the decision. As I mentioned in that article, addicts piss me off.

And while I've made jokes about another addict in the past, I never wrote a page about her probably because I assumed she would just OD one day and that there was no point. However she kind of hung on and escaping death like my idiot cat, Butch. But the Grim Reaper can't be held off forever and today it seems that Amy Winehouse has done her last line...either in the form of music or cocaine. Take your pick. And yes, no cause of death has been confirmed yet but...come on, use your head.

How I signed my reaction to Amy Winehouse's death (I have a sore throat)

Look, I know that for members of her family, her friends and to fans that this must be a really sad day for them, but come on, it's not like she was making headlines for her singing ability lately. Every other article was about her fucking up a stage show, her entering or leaving rehab or how someone close to her was worried she might not be around too long if she didn't get her act together.

Go on YouTube and type in "Amy Winehouse Drunk" and you'll find that those videos have more views and comments than any video of her where she's actually singing or aware of what month it is. The woman was a wreck, looked like one and moved like one on stage.

Don't believe me? Check out this video and tell me if I'm wrong. Hell, if anything, the title is misleading because it says she "Performs". However, if you go to an Amy Winehouse performance, do you expect to see her sing or walk around the stage like a blind man who's just been hit in the head with a baseball bat and ask band members where she can score some coke?

Wait, this is Amy Winehosue, so chances are that "sing" was the last thing you expected. And if you did, it probably wasn't worth what you paid.

I know I might be a little cold and downright mean with my words right now but one thing I can't get over is that she was just 27. That's just two years older than me. Imagine that, you're in the prime of your life and for the past couple of years all you've done is just self-destruct and piss away everything you ever did or wanted to do? Like with Lohan, I would love to have the adoring fans, the ability to inspire, to have fans waiting for my autograph. And besides, what the hell was so hard about your life that you needed drugs and alcohol to end it?

Look, I enjoy a good drink. At Aaron's bachelor party I was drunk to the point where after I downed a shot of God knows what, I raised my arms and proclaimed, "I AM A MAN!!!" and continued to wolf down a deep fried cheesecake. But I know my limits. I don't do it every night, every week or every month even. In fact, the last time I can remember having anything alcoholic was at Aaron's wedding.

Is it sad that she's dead? Yes, of course. But we shouldn't act surprised by it or any other celebrity who spends more time at the Betty Ford Clinic than doing their job. Honestly, let's just make Robert Downey Jr. a motivational speaker for retarded celebrities who didn't get the message even after South Park put is so plainly for us.

This was the best picture of her I could find of her

As a final note, I would like to say that while Amy Winehouse was indeed a talented singer, it's a shame that the troubles she brought into her personal life overshadowed all the accomplishments she made (and could have made) in her professional life.

Retire Ronald? Kiss My Ass

I was thankful enough to grow up with a mom who knew how to cook really well and there were times when my dad could even surprise us with his culinary talents. However, one thing that was always a great treat when me and my sisters were kids was Burger King or McDonalds.

Of course I've wised up over the years and now only eat at Burger King which is the polar opposite of M'Lord, who only eats at McDonalds and despises Burger King. However, if there's one thing I think about when I hear the name "McDonalds" (Other than "Why does this Big Mac look so small?") is their mascot, Ronald McDonald.

OK, this does look a little creepy

The dude was in every commercial you saw, showing off the same Happy Meal package-burger, fries and soft drink-and the special toy for the week you got when you bought a Happy Meal. Hell, sometimes the commercials usually had these weird story lines that would go one for four months. I tried to find clips from YouTube but was unsuccessful. And yeah, again, I remember story lines from a fast food chain's commercials better than I remember high school math. Memory can be a bitch like that sometimes.

What's also a bitch is when morons try to put the blame on someone else for their own problems. Especially if that someone happens to be Ronald McDonald. I can understand people being concerned about the health of young children with the rates of childhood obesity going up, but comparing McDonalds to the tobacco and alcohol industry? Excuse me, while I might joke about there being rat poison in McDonalds hamburgers, I can say that I know that's true unlike cigarettes.

I hope they didn't pay that artist a lot of money

Look, when I was a little kid, the reason I liked McDonalds and Burger King wasn't because they had a clown or some stupid Kids Club were offering it like the junkie who hangs around the local 7-Eleven. I wanted it because it tasted good and it wasn't something we got all the time, you idiots!

What a lot of people seem to forget, especially parents, is that parents can say "No" to their children if they ask for Burger King or McDonalds. I know my parents did loads of times no matter how much us kids begged. You're the parent. Be blunt. Tell them to stop crying or you'll really give them something to cry about. Send them to bed until they stop crying and you'll only give them what you cook them if they stop crying.

Or be more blunt. Just say, "No, you can't have Burger King this week, you lazy, man booby fat ass because you weigh as much as a horse!" And while this may not be the best way to talk to a seven year old, some of these parents should know that constantly feeding their children fast food because they're too retarded to cook something on their own, isn't the best thing for your man-booby fat ass kid.

Yeah, this is clearly the work of evil mastermind, Ronald McDonald.

And I'm not saying getting fast food or take out on a weekly basis is a bad thing. Every week I go down to Burger King, get either a Whopper or Double Whopper, no onions, some bacon, large fries, large chocolate shake. Mmm, mmm, that's good eatin'. And when I was living at home every Friday was pizza night. But the thing is, I exercise quite a bit and can afford to put on weight considering fat ass in the picture above probably weighs twice as much as me.

Look, I can understand people wanting to McDonalds to offer healthier alternatives but at the same time, parents should at least be aware of what their children are putting in their mouths (Sounds kinda gross). And if you're kid is starting to look a little plump or ready to have a heart attack at the age of 11, get them exercising. That and learn to say no to them. You're the parent for Christ sake, you should know that you have control.

Plus, if you're going to jump on this bandwagon of Retire Ronald, just stop. Have you heard of Ronald McDonald Houses? What the hell are we supposed to call them if you retire Ronald? Besides, he's an advertisement tool, he's meant to draw people in. It's kinda the reason why more people prefer Frosted Flakes over Grape Nuts.
That and the fact the name of Grape Nuts is a lie where Frosted Flakes is exactly what you get.

How bout you try to meet a common ground with McDonalds? Ask them to make a character who is in good shape, promotes healthy eating habit and warns about the dangerous consequences of not, and can appeal to adults too.

"Why so obese?"

The House-Sitters Club

People usually mistake me for a superhero given the way my name sounds. And the truth is that I usually like to help people when they really need it and if it allows me to show of the awesomeness that is me.

With that in mind, you shouldn't be surprised how quickly I lept into action last Tuesday when I got a call around nine o'clock in the evening from Aaron's fiancee, Katelynn. The following is a transcript of that call.

Schweitzer-Man: (Yawn) Yes?

Katelynn: Oh, Schweitzer-Man! You have to get to our place right away, you're the only one who can help us!!!

Schweitzer-Man: Damn right I'm the only one who can help. Now, what's the situation?

Katelynn: It's our dog, Lyle! He needs your help, this is an emergancy!!!

Lyle is a weiner dog who has a bizarre fetish for ovens (Not kidding) but is pretty cool for a dog. So if he's in danger, you bet your ass I'm going to help. Two seconds later I was outside Aaron and Katelynn's house. I decided to enter the house since knocking would only delay any rescuing that might need to happen.

Schweitzer-Man: I'm here!

Katelynn: OK, now that you're here, Lyle needs to be watched until Aaron and I get back from Hawaii early Monday morning. Bye!!!

In truth, what really happened was actually funnier than I made it sound but needless to say, I'm taking care of Lyle and he's really gotten use to me. As I'm typing this he seems to have fallen asleep on my lap.

It's cool having my own place, being able to cook my own meals, not having to hear crying babies although Lyle whimpers endlessly every time I go to the bathroom. One thing I wish the little guy would do is try to get a stronger bladder. Seriously, dog, just try to go twelve hours without pooping.

Admit it. You said, "Awwwwww" when you saw this picture

I Hate Charley and his Horse

I was relaxing in bed the other day when all of a sudden I felt my right calf start to firm up. For the past week or two it had been sore a bit and I just assumed that it was from all the running around I do. I thought it would go away once I straightened out my leg like I usually do.

However this was not the case. I could feel the skin of my leg start to wrap around the muscle like plastic wrap and the pain intensified. I stretched my leg out and did my best not to scream like a little girl. Instead, I found myself in agony and laughing at my own discomfort. What was adding to the humour was the fact that I was bending my foot to the left and couldn't force it to go straight.

Yeah, that was sort of what my leg looked like...sans Kathy Bates of course

It felt like the muscle was actually going to burst out of the skin and this was going on for too long. I looked at my foot and desperatly willed myself to straighten out. It did and the pain quickly went away.

I found out later from my mother that it was a charley horse and that my father used to get them all the time. I suddenly recalled nights where he would awaken screaming. And to think all the years I thought it was due to him forgetting to turn his night-light on...

According to him, it either means I'm dehydrated (Unlikely) or I need to adjust my diet (Very likely). That really sucks because I think I do good for a guy who eats nothing but junk food and exercises on a semi-regular basis. But in all honesty, it did freak me out for a second and has made me realize that, yeah, a salad every once in a while wouldn't hurt.

So does anyone wanna come over and make me a salad?

Yeah, something along these lines. Not too many croutons, please.

Vegas Vacation: Coles Notes Edition

Normally, I could bombard you with a recap of my trip to Las Vegas with a summary so detailed that Tom Clancy would find it longwinded but instead, I'll just go in point form:

• Walking in -30 weather with howling wind is a bitch.
  
  
• Getting to the gate for the flight was one long maze of lines, scans, questions and bullshit that seem so easy to get around that it's a miracle there aren't more terrorist attacks in North America.
  
  
• Aaron's friend Oleg is a nice guy despite living in Edmonton. He and Aaron met on the internet and at this point, I'll allow you to make your own To Catch a Predator joke.
  
  
• Aaron claims he wants to get back into boxing which shocked the hell out of me. I plan to sell him my heavybag for five times what it's worth.
  
  
• Flights can suck ass when you wait an hour on the runway for them to de-ice the plane. Seriously, a whole hour just waiting. A word of advice to any people who want to fly out when it's really cold: Pre-drink.
  
  Flight 547 to Las Vegas is now boozing
  
  
• Nearly suffered heatstroke once we landed in Vegas.
  
  
• Our hotel was right across from Caesar's Palace. Sadly, it was not as extravagant. Did have a better buffet though.
  
  Breakfast of champions
  
  
• Heavy drinking was one of the activities we lined up for ourselves however it was probably a bad idea to eat only two hot dogs before downing drink after drink after drink.
  
  
• I can understand people visiting Las Vegas but for the life of me I can't understand how anyone can live there.
  
  
• Four Loco is an alright drink for the first few sips but after that it's like punch at a high-school dance that someone spiked way too much.
  
  No es bueno
  
  
• We didn't stay up all night partying unlike the people below us however I'm very certain that when it was all done they played 'That's All Folks' from Bugs Bunny.
  
  
• We spent our first night looking for a strip club but when that didn't work we tried looking for the buffet in our hotel which was even more pathetic considering we kept walking past the stairway.
  
  
• It was probably a good thing though since we were so wasted that we would have been thrown out.
  
  
• Aaron came up with the good idea of going to The Gun Store so we can shoot stuff. It sounded like a good idea so we went.
  
  Special discounts for children and psychopaths
  
  
• You know how in the movies someone who has never fired a gun before will pick one up and turn into Clint Eastwood. Yeah, that's a load of shit.
  
  
• I was having a hard time deciding which gun to shoot however I ended up picking the Baretta, just like Robert Blake.
  
  
• There were many targets to choose from and I decided to go with a zombie clown. Aaron took the zombie soldier (Headshots were a must) and Oleg took one that had two bad guys on it. The taller guy was pointing a gun and screaming and the guy in front of him looked like that midget from Fantasy Island.
  
  "What did I ever do to you, Oleg?"
  
  
• The people who work at The Gun Shop were packing heat at all times. Aaron even saw on the website that if you didn't drop the gun when they told you to, that they would shoot you.
  
  
• Apparently Katelynn doesn't like guns. The Gun Store employee deemed her a 'hippie'.
  
  
• Aaron probably did the best out of the three of us. I was only lucky to manage one headshot on my Zombie Clown. However, truth be told, I had to hold back lest my identity as a former assassin be uncovered.
  
  
• After shooting our loads (So to speak) we went back to the hotel for a bit and then decided to do more sightseeing. I mentioned how Mandalay Bay had a boxing museum that I was interested in checking out. And since we could get buzzed along the way, off we went.
  
  
• As I mentioned earlier, just because it looks close doesn't mean that it really is. We walked, drank, drank, walked, stopped to drink, stopped to pee and then drink some more before walking a lot more.
  
  
• I felt kinda bad for Aaron and Oleg because they're not boxing dorks like I was and yet here we were, busting our asses just to get to Mandalay Bay for a museum. At one point I told them that they could go back to the hotel and rest (And drink some more) but they insisted we stick together.
  
  
• If I didn't wear the camera strap around my neck, Aaron would owe me a new camera. He decided it would be funny to poke my ribs while I tried to focus in on a shot. Naturally had the camera been damaged, I would have had to kill him but thankfully, this was not the case.
  
  Aaron caused me to take this...
  
  ...when I was going for this.
  

• The Mandalay Bay fight museum was...smaller than I had expected. And naturally, I almost got us kicked out within ten seconds of entering because I didn't notice the 'No Cameras' sign.
  

• I don't see the harm in me taking a picture of De la Hoya's trunks he wore against Vargas but if those are the rules...
  
  
• Was a bit disapointed that most of the stuff was actually up for sale. I mean, yeah in hindsight it might be cool to own some small part of boxing history. But to have it for sale in a museum? Just didn't sit right with me.
  
  
• Surprised they didn't have any Manny Pacquiao shirts for sale for $10. I would bought one and started wearing it right then and there.
  
  
• From there it was more walking but this time back to the hotel. Thankfully there were trams that could take us from hotel to hotel but sometimes it felt like we were doing the same amount of walking.
  
  
• You'd think we would have been tired after all this walking but once we rested our feet back at the hotel, we decided we would head to one of the strip clubs we couldn't find before. And since we had free passes, we'd be kinda dumb to not use them.
  
  
• "Little Darlings" sounds like a strip club that features midgets. Oddly enough, one guy did offer us passes to Larry Flynt's strip club which features naked midget mud wrestling. Pass.
  
  Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.
  
  
• We weren't even in the club for two minutes and already Oleg was being felt up. Sadly it was by security after he kept setting off the metal detector.
  
  
• We were greatly disapointed that the strip club didn't even serve alcohol. Instead they offered us soft drinks. Cause everyone knows nothing goes better with a lap dance than Mountain Dew.
  
  
• There was one dancer named Pink who I swear had the upper body of a twelve year old boy. However she made up for her lack of boobies by...humping somebody's baseball hat. I'm not kidding. The guy didn't look to happy about it either.
  

• If you want to read more about what happened at the strip club, pick up this month's issue of Penthouse.
  
  
• I was enjoying the scene but for some reason, when receiving a lap dance, I wanted to burst out and sing, "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts".
  
  
• I don't understand why guys think they have to buy souveniers for their girlfriends. Seriously, they'll get over it. Besides, do you think they'll be envious of the crabs you picked up from that stripper and how there wasn't any left for her?
  
  
• Every time I said, "That's my last beer," I was being handed another one. And I drank it.
  
  
• Yes there is footage of me shotgunning a beer. Yes, Aaron and Oleg are full of crap when they say I only did about 1/4 of it, it was more like 3/4 (I would know, I was the one drinking). And yes, I did throw up for over a minute. OK, it wasn't like a minute long puke or anything. Think of it like puking in segments.
  And no, I will not upload it.
  
  
• After the first one Oleg asked, "Did you throw up?" despite being the one holding the camera and pointing it right at me.
  
  
• Even though they were laughing at my expense and I told them, "I fucking hate you guys", I still had a smile on my face.
  
  All the beers I drank
  
  
• Halfway through my barf Aaron told me to finish my beer however I had already put the can down and chances are that I puked on that as well as the balcony.
  
  
• It was funny that immediately after throwing up everything I had eaten up to that point, the next thing I wanted to do was get back to the buffet.
  
  
• I suck at gambling
  
  
• Last day was kind of bittersweet. It was a nice vacation but like all good ones it felt too short and we knew that we were leaving nice warm weather to go back to hell frozen over.
  
  
• If I ever go back to Vegas, I think it will have to be the weekend of a big fight.
  
  
• Viva Las Vegas

You Don't Need to See It to Know It Sucks

It's the weekend for me, which means I'm awake at ungodly hours. And since nothing is open aside from the 24/7 gas bars, I've decided that I would browse the internet looking for Christmas presents that I might want to get from willing family members this year.

I was planning on making a blog post about how I got wasted two weeks ago but decided against it because the way I was writing it sucked as well as it just seemed too detailed. So instead I'll give give you the Coles Notes version of my drunken drunkenness:

-I laugh like Amadeus when I'm drunk

-I seem to take great offense when not being allowed to pay for my share of food/drink

-I offered a toonie, though that it was rejected, only to find out that Aaron took it and bought coffee with it the next day

-I had trouble opening my wooden fence to get home

-Apparently Aaron and I are going to Las Vegas...someday, I guess.

-I have no idea what the hell I was drinking. I thought it was black but Aaron later told me that what I was drinking wasn't black in colour, but gold.

-I write the dumbest text messages when I'm drunk.

Insert retarded laughter here

However, me acting like my younger sister aside, I'd like to talk about something I once again saw on Youtube. No, not another banned Tiny Toons episode where Buster gets hooked on crystal meth. I'm talking about something that sounds even more ridiculous and in a fair world would be banned just as quickly.

Oh, GOD!!!!

Yes, it seems that once again Hollywood has decided to run their hands through precious childhood memories, rape them, abort them, cook it in a stew seasoned with their own feces and then serve it to us through our asses.

Wait, what am I talking about when I say 'childhood memories'? Yogi Bear wasn't a part of my childhood. I mean, yeah, I've heard of him but I never watched him. Hell, I doubt I've even watched a shitty Yogi Bear special that they aired during the 90's like they did with other Hanna Barbara series. Had I seen The Jetsons or The Flinstones? Oh, yeah, but not Yogi Bear. That was stuff my parents most likely watched when they were kids and I don't even think a person their age would want to see this film.

And honestly, why would anyone? Yogi Bear isn't relevant now, nor was he ever. Hell, the movie doesn't look very relevant, just watch the trailer. It's OK, go ahead, waste three minutes of your life.I wouldn't talk, asshole. Not even Bill Murray could help an unfunny movie adaptation of an unfunny comic strip

Well, now that you're back from that. What did we learn about this movie? Well, as I mentioned before, the rape of childhood memories for people in nursing homes but what else? Here are a few observations I've made.

1. Goddamn CGI-You know, I'm really getting tired of seeing live action mixed with CGI. It doesn't look real at all, it looks so out of place. It's not like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where there was an explination for the toons interacting with real people. Here, it just seems so fake and I wonder if I'm watching some alternate reality or something.

2. Justin Timberlake as Boo-Boo-I don't know why people make such a big deal out of Justin Timberlake. I'm not saying he's not talented but at the same time I think he is very overrated. And yet people keep putting him in movies for some reason that continues to baffle me.

Anyway, if you didn't notice before, it just doesn't sound like Justin Timberlake. I can believe that it is Dan Akroyd voicing Yogi because he's a comedian and they know how to do funny voices but with Timerlake, I just feel like his voice has been digitally altered. It's almost as if someone combined HAL 9000 and the boredom of an emo kid and put them in the body of a CGI bear.

Oh and if his voice is being digitally altered to the point where we can't recognize him, then what the fuck is point of casting him? Seriously, it's like in those shitty Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. What is the point of having Justin Long play Alvin if you can make anybody's voice go high pitch? Shit, I used to do it on an old tape recorder back when I was four. For Christ sake, why not just have that annoying Fred from Youtube play all of the chipmunks?

Just what do you think you're doing, Yogi?

3. Did Anyone Find The Plot?-I'm not joking. Usually when you have a trailer that's over two minutes, you have some idea of what the plot is about...well, a good trailer is like that. It gives you some idea. This, all it really is is just a bunch of gags about "pic-a-nics" and nothing else.

To the producers of this movie, we already know that this is going to suck ass, but you're reinforcing that fact when you hide the plot from everybody and try to cover it with a bunch of gags about food.

So yeah, I have to wonder, what in the hell happened to an original idea in Hollywood? I'm not joking, everything is either some shitty remake and every good original idea that comes around gets ass-raped by sequels that it diminishes how good the first one was. However, it doesn't look like you can top the shit pile that Yogi Bear will be.

Fock every focking focker who thinks this focking movie will be focking funny because it won't be! It'll focking suck like the first two!!!

OK...now that I got that out of my system...I'm sure that nothing in the next few months will be as unnecessary and facepalmingly awful as Little Fuckwads.

...Just focking kill me now

Updates and stuff...

A new blog post in less than a week? Surely there must be something wrong with me. Well, you're kinda right. All last week I had a sore throat and possible fever that left me coughing like I had given up smoking for the first time since exiting the womb.

Naturally, I tried to stay hydrated but this of course resulted in more phlegm and since I'm a typical lazy bastard, I decided to discard the mucus in a bottle of Brisk Fruit Punch. Now of course, since I'm feeling better, I no longer need the bottle however I am afraid that the phlegm in the bottle may have mutated into something similar to the slime in Ghostbusters II. Releasing it could suck all of Calgary down into the 7th layer of hell: Edmonton.

I should get a medal since I didn't let this happen


Now, you'd think after a week of coughing up slime, that I would be cured. And you're right. But then of course, come Monday morning, I wake up with a stiff neck. Now I've had them before but this probably ranks as the second worst I've had. It was like someone replaced my neck with the Tin-Man's leg and then injected Viagra into my neck. Seriously, you could swing a scimitar at my neck and it wouldn't budge.

Of course I am all better now but with these recent bouts of sickness, I've lost weight which isn't good considering that the average obese toddler has more weight in their ass than I do in my entire body.

I thought people were supposed to be starving in China


Anyway, since I already run around work like a horse, run at the gym like a gazelle and a metabolism which on it's worst day is still faster than Usain Bolt on his best day, I decided to follow some advice I was given and buy a tub of ice cream for myself. It's strange but considering what a sugar addict I am, I haven't really touched it. Perhaps I'm afraid I'll turn into some fat slob and just sit around watching soap operas.

Ben and Jerry's: The closest Rosie O'Donnell ever gets to having a threeway with two men

At the moments M'Lord and M'Lady are probably on their way back from vacation to...wherever the fuck it is they go. I'm being honest, I have no idea where they go or what they do. All I know is this: They ask me to watch the dogs and make sure they're fed...and then don't leave me any food to feed them!!!

It would be like if I said, "Hey, while I'm gone, feel free to use my car to go wherever you want" but then when you get in you find that I didn't leave any gas in the tank.
Their daughter has a word for that kind of arrangement: "Poop!"

Joke's on you...I don't even own a car

For some reason I want to write about MasterChef now that they just aired the season finale but I don't feel that I would do any good. Mostly it would be me bashing that smug jackass David Miller. Now, I know, I am the embodiment of the term "smug jackass" but I can turn it off. Plus I'm likable...at least I think I am.

And there's also the new season of The Apprentice. While I normally liked the show in the first three seasons, the more it went on the more tiresome it became. Plus when he's got his own kids helping him make business decisions...yeah, it just doesn't float. Sorry, Donald, but you and your kids and your bad hair have to go.

"Your mother-I mean, 'you're fired'!

You Have To Go Now

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with people who can't take a hint. On one hand it annoys me that they can't see the obvious when it is put right in front of them time after time after time and it makes me want to bash their head open with a snow shovel since the truth isn't doing much good.

One the other hand, if they did take the hint, I would have nothing to write about and lay around my apartment in my underwear while watching episodes of Batman: The Animated Series and feasting on gummy worms.

Behold! The secret to my girlish figure

Which brings us to today's subject: Jennifer Aniston. First let me start off by saying that I never liked the show Friends. I thought it was stupid. The characters were stupid. And I literally mean that; it seemed that every character on this show was a few IQ points from drooling and the inability to control their bowels.

I don't know how a show about stupid people in stupid situations in a reality where no black people live in New York could stay on for ten years, but it managed. And when it went off the air a big sigh escaped my mouth. No longer would I have to see previews for their shitty finale and speculation about whether the ratings for the finale would beat the record set by M*A*S*H*.

So with your once popular TV show now off the air and your desire to stay relevant as strong as ever, naturally the smart move is to go into movies. It mostly worked for Aniston cause her husband at the time was Brad Pitt and if he can't get you a job, you might as well just put your resume in at Foot Locker and join the original cast of Degrassi High.

"Who still has a career? That's right, me. Eat it, Jeremiah!"

But as we all know Brad Pitt got tired of Jennifer Aniston and decided to ditch her for Angelina Jolie and piss off every single guy alive. Not that I blame him however. True, I think Jolie is a home wrecker but if I was living with Jennifer Aniston, it could have been a wrecking ball for all I care, just get her away from me.

Now, some of you may think, "Schweitzer-Man, you're being a jackass saying that Aniston was getting in movies because she was married to Brad Pitt."

First off, I'm always a jackass. If this surprises you then I'll let George Takei sum up my feelings towards you. Second, have any of the other cast members of Friends been seen working since 2004? Hell, has David Schwimmer been seen alive since 2004? Oh sure, Matthew Perry had that shitty Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip show on NBC for about four hours but we all know he was just back to playing Chandler.

Let's face it, all Jennifer Aniston has done since Friends went off the air has churn out crap after crap after crap followed by crap with Vince Vaughn to promote their sham of a relationship. But lately she's been appearing more and more. It's like she realizes that no one really cares about her anymore and couldn't care less if she forgives Angelina and is trying to get as much cash as possible before appearing on Dancing with the Stars. Here's a thought, Jennifer. Why don't you star in something other than a shitty romantic comedy?

Bateman's face has me convinced he's thinking, "Smells salty but I bet it's OK to drink."

Go on Broadway or do an independent movie. Or go away. Seriously, what you're doing right now just isn't working. I'm sure you wish it was 1998 again and you were the star of NBC's best comedy and you were married to one of Hollywood's top leading men. But he's moved onto bigger and hotter things while you just keep churning out crap.

I did like you in Office Space. Try appearing in movie's that have original scripts.

What the Hell Happened to You?

As usual, after writing my last blog post I got incredibly lazy and decided that my genius at poking fun at Gary Coleman's untimely death would hold me over for at least another six months, give or take the odd poop joke I might make out of desperation and writer's block.

However then my older yet less conceited sister got some exclusive blogging gig for a think tank and is now receiving gifts of frankincense and myrrh in praise when what she should be getting is a double facepalm for attending such a farce. One of the speakers it turns out is a transgendered porn star who doesn't have a penis-figure that one out.
Wait, people paid $4000 to sit in on this?

"Palms up, Number One."

To make matters worse, my own father managed to have his recent letter to the editor of the local paper published and also had it declared "Letter of the Day". I know I have to step up my game when a man in his fifties who has shouting arguments with the television is outdoing me.

It's sad when a great talent like myself happens to let vanity and ego get to his head and believes that anything will be golden simply because I am me. But luckily I'm not the first person this has happened to and I've realized the error of my ways so that unlike the people on this list, you won't look at and say, "Wow, you used to do great stuff...what the hell happened to you?"

My father makes the same face whenever he makes a mistake playing Jeopardy at home


1) Robin Williams-Ah, Mork, what the hell happened to you? Your improvisation skills were second to none, you could make anyone laugh by doing the simplest things, even more impressive was the episode of Happy Days where you convinced the world that someone could go on a date with Penny Marshall without downing twelve shots of vodka beforehand (Though maybe that scene was left on the cutting room floor....INVESTIGATE!!!).
To make a good thing better, you were equally as talented when you were doing non-comedies. I loved Dead Poet's Society in high school, Insomnia is really underrated in my opinion and One Hour Photo was eerie on an Anthony Perkins level. And of course, you won an Academy Award for Good Will Hunting.

So what the hell happened? You keep churning out crap like the rectum of a man who survives on a diet of laxatives. License to Wed, what the hell were you thinking? Didn't it bother you that your character (A priest) had this little kid following you around wherever you went, which included the back of a van late at night?

Really, Robin, I thought you knew better. But from What Dreams May Come to Death to Smoochy to Old Dogs, you should sit down, watch the last couple of movies you've made, count the number of times you laugh and if you have more fingers than laughs, fire your agent.

Don't feel too bad, Robin. The guy on your right has been on a much worse streak than yours...which leads us to...

2) John Travolta-I'm getting sick and tired of all these idiots who claim that Pulp Fiction somehow "saved John Travolta's career". No...not at all. Before Pulp Fiction, Travolta's career was like a man who had a gun in his mouth ready to pull the trigger. But then Pulp Fiction comes around...which to some people is akin to a man with a gun in his mouth removing said gun.

But the truth is Pulp Fiction was the equivalent to a man who has a gun in his mouth, pulls the trigger but somehow ends up surviving so that they end up demented, deformed, barely recognizable but still alive through the grace of God or whatever deity you believe in.
That's Travolta's post-Fiction career.

His face=Travolta's movie career

I don't think I can make it any clearer than that. Battlefield Earth, Domestic Disturbance and Be Cool make it painfully clear that you Be Stupid with the decisions towards your career. Why not just be a pilot for the rest of your life? You'll have a dog who can sniff out bombs for you instead of making them into movies.

3) Steve Martin-Ah, another master of comedy now reduced to making crap, calling it a rose and then defending it for some unexplained reason. Seriously, what the hell is with these so-called "comedians" who produce such trash that they wouldn't touch when their career was in it's prime? I mean, come on, Steve, The Pink Panther remake was a mistake because you're not Peter Sellers and nobody watches a movie to listen to your shitty French accent try to pronounce words without said accent or to see Beyonce remind everyone that she can't act. But then do do a SEQUEL and defend it in public...I'm sorry but that exceeds the double facepalm from earlier.

Look, you do good work on SNL when the writer's aren't churning out crap themselves but you gotta stop with this Pink Panther crap. I mean, is that how you want to be remembered? I've been told that Father of the Bride is funny and maybe you should watch that to remind yourself of your potential and do something that is worth your time and not wasting mine.

"Regardez, je suis français et avoir un visage comme quelqu'un qui a poussé un balai dans mon cul! C'est la comédie!"

4) Ashton Kutcher-You know, this one doesn't bother me so much. I never found him to be very talented at all. Every movie he stars in is just him playing Kelso from That 70's Show to a different degree. The whole, I'm a douchebag idiot man-child with a heart of gold deal really got old quickly. Thankfully audiences wised up and you haven't really seen a whole lot of Kutcher lately.

That is unless you're one of his followers on Twitter. Yeah, Kutcher decided that he would be the first person to get over a million followers. Whoopie-fucking-doo. You got a million followers on Twitter so now they can save themselves the eight bucks and just read the stupid shit you say instead of watching it on a movie screen.

5) Jim Carrey-Like Robin Williams, your simplistic style of comedy could often be annoying in heavy doses but all in all, it was really enjoyable. And even when you toned it down to levels of The Truman Show, you showed that like Williams, you were capable of an Oscar winning performance...even if they didn't nominate you.

But again, back to making crap simply for...what reason? Are you people bored? Have you lost your passion for making people laugh or for just making good material? You just knew that How the Grinch Stole Christmas was going to be a big green pile of Grinch shit when you try to turn a ten minute story into a two hour movie.

Then comes more garbage like The Number 23 (That was oddly enough the same number of people who admitted to seeing that movie), Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man. The last movie of his I remember people really enjoying was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and that was when you toned it down, weren't chewing scenery for laughs and working with a good script, good filmmakers and equally good actors.

Although, to his credit, Carrey had the good sense not to appear in the cinematic abomination that was Son of the Mask, a film so bad that the torture from Marathon Man was probably more pleasant.

I wonder if he could solve my riddle about the Nutella...

6) Robert DeNiro-This one is really painful. It really, truly is painful for me to write. He's one of the best actors of all time, been in so many classic films and yet...he starred in Hide and Seek.

Bobby, you were in The Godfather II, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull (Much to Aaron's delight), Goodfellas...there is no reason why you should be making crap co-starring Dakota Fanning. Plus, who's gonna believe that you're a single father anymore? All the shoe polish on your head could fool Dakota but it can't fool me.

That and those goddamn Meet the Parents/Fockers movies. Holy shit, did I find those annoying really quick. Why not just call the movie, "Hey, Focker" cause that's basically all you say in the movie aside from the parts where you act like a total dick whom we're supposed to find likable...why?

And I'm sorry, the last time you hosted Saturday Night Live back in 2004 has to be one of the worst hosting jobs I've ever seen from a two-time Academy Award winner...or ANY host for that matter! It was like you thought that you would redefine comedy by not being funny at all...who knows, maybe you're not made for sketch comedy but fuck me was that painful!

Listen to me. Don't do any more action movies where you're a homicide detective. That last one you did with Pacino, no one cared about it because no one believes it and no one wants to see two great actors phoning it in for a paycheck.

"You talkin' to me...you said my movie sucked, you talkin' to me? Which movie? Godsend?....Yeah, that did suck.

I know that this was long-winded (Would you expect any less of me?) but I just want you to know that I'm going to try and update at least once a week from now on. And it'll be good stuff too, at least I think it'll be good. I suppose I better start planning what I'll rant about next week. Oh and by the way, the anniversary of my divine birth is this Friday. Please contact me if you wish to donate gifts or animal sacrifices

A Riddle

What is this?

A) A yummy delicious snack of Nutella
or
B) The result of what happens when there's no toilet paper in the house?

Sick

I usually don't get sick around this time of year. It always happens in the new year, around January or February.