It's That Time Again...Who Will Be Next?

I've been back for over two weeks from a very nice vacation where I visited family, reconnected with old friends, got drunk with said friends (PS: Those of you near Papa Cheney's in downtown Windsor should really try the deep fried cheesecake. It's great when you're drunk) and perhaps most importantly, watched Aaron and Katelynn finally tie the knot. I had a great time, put on some weight and came back looking refreshed. Everyone kept telling me how much better I looked. If life were a commercial, this would be the part where a narrator tells everyone that I asked my doctor about Viagra.

However enough about that, this is about me. That's right, the time of untimely death (My birthday) is approaching once again. While no one has perished early like Gary Coleman last year, I've done some looking and found that a lot of famous people have died on my birthday. Holy crap, is June 25th just some date where the Grim Reaper goes on a free for all and touches as many people as he can? Well, we'll find out as we go through the list again.

What dark powers lay dormant in this innocent child?

1) Pope Cornelius (253)-Yeah, we're starting this back over fifteen hundred years ago. I had no idea my powers extended this far, but let's take a look at this man named after an ape. Well, it's a lot of boring history here and that's coming from someone who is a big history buff. But it seems that Cornelius was elected during a time where Christians were being persecuted and this really pissed off his buddy, Novatian.
There's probably a lot more interesting stuff that happened but let me tell you that Cornelius was exiled and later died. Moving on. This is not the Cornelius I was talking about!

2) Hatano Hideharu (1579)-Oh this is more like it. We've gone from boring old monkey popes to kick-ass Japanese warlords/samurais! He was pretty stubborn and apparently after offending another warlord and decided to surrender with dignity...only after the offended warlord offered to use his own mother as Hatano's hostage.
Hatano went and apologized and was promptly executed. After that the Hatano clan vanished and was never heard from again. "Oh hai."

3) George Armstrong Custer (1876)-OK, now we're getting into the big leagues. We've gone from boring popes, to samurai who try to pull of wearing purple to one of the most infamous soldiers in history. Believe it or not, he actually graduated last in his class at West Point but that doesn't mean...who am I kidding? It does kinda foreshadow his disastrous Battle of Little Bighorn, more commonly referred to as Custer's last stand. According to Wikipedia, he was heard shouting, "Hurrah boys, we've got them! We'll finish them up and then head back home to our station."

A few minutes later, he was killed along with two of his brothers as well as his brother-in-law. Sucked to be a Custer that day.

"Hey, we were winning! I just got caught with a lucky shot."

I'm not very good with predictions but if I had to make a guess at who would die on my birthday this year, it would be Zsa Zsa Gabor. She's been knocking on death's door for a while and given the way her husband acts, this is exactly the opportunity to launch a new reality show called, Prince Asshat is Really Old and Single.

I have a lot of different thoughts about turning 25. That's a quarter of a century. That's the same amount of time that passed from the first episode of the original Star Trek to their final movie together. I'll be closer to fifty than zero. But I'm not exactly the kind of person who will be crying in front of a birthday cake, wailing about bullshit because I've got good health, six-pack abs, a good amount of money saved up and for the most part, my youth. You're only as old as you feel.

Who Called It?

Back a few weeks ago, you might recall my opinions on Donald Trump trying to be the first orange man elected President (Seriously, dude, lay off the spray-tan. You're not Lindsay Lohan) and how he would later announce his candidacy on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well it turns out that this won't be the case because...the finale's already been filmed and even NBC has come clean about it. Yep, like I said before, this was a publicity stunt to bolster ratings for his reality show that no one really cares about anymore in an attempt for him to say, "The Apprentice is the number one show on television!" and drag that line out for at least a year.

"Curses, foiled again!!!"


I did imagine upon hearing this news that the Donald is going to comment that NBC is somehow mistaken about the progress of a TV show that airs on their own network and he will make an announcement but even his own spokesman basically said, "Yeah, my boss is full of shit."

Wow, not even into the campaign and you've already stepped in it Donald. Look, I can imagine this has been a rough month for you, what with Obama releasing his birth certificate and while you still tried to grill his ass about it, he was busy getting ready to kill Osama bin Laden. Now you could have gotten on him about taking sixteen hours to make up his mind but you blew it. Now it's back to The Apprentice and hoping that people will give a shit about anything you do.

How Trump envisioned the Obama administration to view his non-announcement on Celebrity Apprentice

Rot in Hell, OBL

I remember being fifteen years old when 9/11 happened. Up until then, I had always been waiting for the "Where Were You?" moment for my generation. My dad's generation had the Kennedy assassinations, Watergate, the attempted assassination of Reagan and the Challenger explosion. The closest that people my age ever got to that sort of moment was the Clinton sex scandal but that wasn't one of those moments that made you stop dead in your tracks. 9/11 was what got me interested in American politics and journalism.

Now you may find this hard to believe, but when I watched the crumbling towers on that unforgettable Tuesday morning, I knew for sure that it was the work of Osama bin Laden. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, you're full of shit" but the truth was that I did. I had read and watched reports of his previous terrorist attacks in Kenya and on the USS Cole so it just made sense.

This always just confused the shit out of me

I personally thought that bin Laden would always escape capture and/or assassination. I also thought it was a bit strange that the FBI had him on their Ten Most Wanted List. I mean, do you really expect the world's most wanted terrorist to be hiding out in Akron, Ohio? So you can imagine my surprise when I came home around nine o'clock last night with my Burger King to see M'Lord watching the TV and telling me the news.

M'Lord: Hey, dude. D'you hear the news?

SchweitzerMan: What news?

M'Lord: Osama bin Laden's been killed.

SchweitzerMan: What? Holy _______ _____!!!

That kept me up later than I thought I would be, constantly watching news reports and reading updated websites.

There's a lot of debate going on right now in the White House whether they should release photos of his body. I personally don't see any reason why they shouldn't and I'm surprised that it hasn't been leaked already. Hell, just Google "Osama dead" and you'll probably find a good photoshop job that'll fool you for a few minutes until you look closely at it.

What I find most amusing about this situation is that President Obama decided to make the announcement about Osama's assassination in the middle of Celebrity Apprentice. The dude's gotta feel pretty good that he can rub this in his face and make Trump look like an even bigger jackass.

Now Trump is demanding that Obama release bin Laden's death certificate

Donald Trump for President?

I enjoy politics, that's no lie. Anybody who went to college with me was aware of this because I was always sitting in the front row for our Politics class (Nerd) and listened to every word the professor gave out as well as throwing in my own two cents every now and then. And they also knew that I followed the 2008 election like it was waving a carrot in front of my nose. So I'd like to take this moment to comment on a person who is throwing his name into the mix for 2012: Donald Trump.

In 2012 Trump plans to become the first orange man elected president

I'll come out and say it: This is a joke candidacy. The Donald doesn't want to be POTUS, he wants to keep his name in the limelight since The Apprentice can't draw views like it used to and also because said reality show is in the dreaded "Celebrity" seasons (AKA: Shit nobody cares about).

And come on, America, you really want a guy like Trump as President? Politics is a harsh world to live in, with both sides throwing bombs at each other. You really think that a man like Donald Trump will be able to survive in a world like that when he started a war of words with Rosie O'Donnell? I mean, yeah, Rosie annoys a lot of people, but Trump acted like she had castrated him and then took a dump on his face. All she did was mock him, dude needs to lighten up. Besides, considering his hairdo has been a punchline for over a decade, you thin he'd have thicker skin than that.

I mean, can you imagine how it would be if a foreign leader disagreed with him?

SchweitzerMan: President Trump, what are you comments regarding Nicolas Sarkozy criticizing your new economic policy?

President Trump: Well look, Schweitzer-Man, Sarkozy is a moron and it's not surprising that he's the President of France because France is full of idiots. I mean, look at the Eiffel tower. It's the ugliest phallic shaped tower I've ever seen. I've been to Paris, had an awful time. Look, French people are retards, plain and simple. And if they can find their ass with their own two hands, maybe they can give me a smart reason why I shouldn't keep doing what I'm doing. Oh and be sure to watch this week's episode of "The Apprentice: White House" on NBC.

OK, maybe he wouldn't call all French people retards but at the same time I wouldn't put it past him.

Back over ten years ago, Mad TV did a sketch where Donald Trump appeared on a fictional BET show called Reality Check and was asked why he thought he could be President. The two fat hosts got laughs at his expense before Trump got upset and called them water buffaloes (Which makes me wonder if Trump wrote the dialogue for this sketch). Naturally they proceed to tear him a new one verbally but let's face it, that's pretty much how it goes with Trump. You either kiss his ass and tell him how much you love the apprentice or you're on his enemies list.

I remember liking this show...before it got over exposed

He's planning on announcing his candidacy on an episode of Celebrity Apprentice and already you can tell that he's not going to. He'll give some bullshit reason about how he'd rather spend time doing what he's doing right now but he'll thank all the idiots who tune in to see him tell them something they should already know in the first place.

Technically it's a brilliant move: Make a big announcement on a show that not a lot of people are watching to make the ratings skyrocket and then you can claim that The Apprentice is the biggest show on television.

Oh and stop with the Obama birth certificate thing. For Christ sake, you think if WikiLeaks could uncover anything it would be that.

Dancing With the Unemployed

I can't dance. As I stated in my last post, if I could my life might be very different. But for every theatre production I did that required me to move my body to the sound of music, I moved about with the grace of a drunk Helen Keller playing musical chairs. So like most guys, I really hate to dance.

However, after my last post, my music teacher friend messaged me on Facebook and informed me that, it is quite possible that she does know the lyrics to the soundtrack of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And to be fair, I really should have assumed that from the beginning. She's a music teacher, she's forgotten more about music than most people will ever know and it makes sense that she would know that.

It's kinda like me and worthless trivia no one else gives a shit about. It may take me a few seconds to recall it, but eventually I'll get you the information that won't add anything to your life. For example: What does the TIE in 'TIE Fighter' stand for? Twin Ion Engine.

Anyway, said friend suggested that I take a look at one of the most baffling programs to ever grace the airways, Dancing with the Stars.

You're gonna need a bigger barf-bag.

Oh, God, where do I begin. There is so much rage and hate flowing through my body that I'm not sure what to say or where to start. I'm not joking, I think my head is going to explode like that guy in Scanners because the stupidity is assaulting my brain from all angles.

After chugging a jug of Nestle Quik and eating an entire roll of Sweet Tarts in twelve seconds, I calmed down and relaxed. I'm strong enough. I'm man enough. I'm Schweitzer-Man. I trained with the League of Super-Ninjas from the year 8246 and if I can do that, I can tackle Dancing with the Stars.

OK, let's start with the whole concept of the show. Shows that have the word 'Celebrity' or 'Stars' in the title are a sign that it's going to be shit. Hell's Kitchen in the United Kingdom is done all by celebrities and not people who want to make it as chefs like the American version. That's boring television because if they have nothing to gain and nothing to lose then we don't care. Why should we care if someone who did four season on Coronation Street can make a proper mille feuille of sweetbreads? I remember when Dancing with the Stars first premiered on ABC, FOX came out with Skating with Celebrities to try and compete.

Now, if you're an actor who's only claim to fame was appearing on a shitty family sitcom that went off the air over ten years ago, does that make you a celebrity? Of course not. But don't tell that to Dave Coulier who was more than happy to appear on Skating and remind people that he wasn't dead. Don't know who he is? He was Uncle Joey on Full House. Really sad that the commercials for the show still referred to him as 'Full House's Dave Couiler'.

If by 'It', you mean your career, then mission accomplished.

Believe it or not, there have already been twelve seasons of this crap and America eats it up for some retarded reason. I mean, there's no way that a show this stupid could be on the air for this long. I thought it would be laughed off the air before the opening credits finished and yet it has endured. Anyway, since there are that many seasons, I'm just going to take a look at the so called 'celebrities' they have on their roster this season...

1) OK, first up we got Michael Catherwood. He's a talk radio personality who hosts Loveline and I'm already bored talking about him. Hey, if he weren't so busy and making more money, Rush Limbaugh would probably do good numbers. Probably a crappy dancer but it'd draw in the Tea Party crowd.

2) Wendy Williams-I hear that not a lot of people like this woman and she was relieved to be eliminated from the show. Kinda makes you wonder why she went on in the first place...? Probably because she wanted to fool herself into thinking she was an actual celebrity. Yeah, didn't work.

3) Kirstie Alley-Wait, what? That Kirstie Alley? Wow, from Star Trek to Cheers to Baskin Robbins for a few years and now this... I wonder what Lt. Saavik would say about such a career move. Or Spock for that matter.

"To assume an asinine reality show will save your career is not logical."

4) Chelsea Kane-She's appeared in some Disney programs that you never heard of unless you were babysitting somebody's kids or have pathetic taste and actually watch the crap Disney puts out. What's sad is that she's younger than I am and she's already reduced to DWTS. Don't worry, babe, make a sex tape and your stock will rise faster than Charlie Sheen's. Charlie just better hope he can keep milking his tour for as long as he can otherwise we'll see him next season.

5) Ralph Macchio-Sorry that you weren't in the latest Karate Kid movie. Trust me, if you want a career after this is done, you've got to the crane kick to either the judge who pisses you off or your dance partner. OK, it'll probably land you in prison for a few months but the video will get millions of hits on YouTube. And you could be a celebrity there....

6) Romeo-Hey, I remember back about ten years ago, you had released an album, you were calling yourself Lil Romeo. You were young, (appeared to be) talented and had a lot of money. The world was your oyster. It's amazing how in ten years that oyster can turn into a rancid scallop. Seriously, what is with these people being younger than me and already seemingly ending their careers? Sure, you could win but what the hell is that going to do? Seriously, I doubt many people in the rap/hip-hop community are going to be impressed that you won Dancing With the Stars...Season Twelve!

7) Petra Němcová-You're a model and the only reason you're doing this is because you're over the age of thirty. The modeling industry is cruel. However, you're tough, seeing as how you survived that tsunami in 2004. If you can survive that, doing the cha-cha should be a breeze.

Dancing...duh!

8) Hines Ward-This one kinda confuses me cause he's still employed. Ward is actually a wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm not going to speculate on why he's doing it. Probably just bored. Needed something to do. OK, you're good. Am I done this yet? Oh, Christ, this has got to end...

9) Kendra Wilkinson-Ooohh...this looks interesting. A former Playboy model, blonde, pretty young...oh but she's got a kid. Oops and it looks like she jumped the gun on making a sex tape. I said that you should do that after doing DWTS. Well, whatever, Skanky, have fun titilating the senior citizens who tune in.

10) Chris Jericho-Oh, no way! Not you, man! The Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rolla? Y2-Freaking-J? Come on, you were one of my favourite wrestlers back when I used to watch WWE. Hopefully you make a return after this because you're still a good wrestler and trust me, given most of the 'talent' that pro-wrestling has today, either you or the Ultimate Warrior have to make a comeback. But if you get eliminated, do the Walls of Jericho on one of the judges. Then promise to meet him at Wrestlemania XXVIII.

11) Sugar Ray Leonard-...It could be worse. He could be making a comeback in boxing. In Ray's defense, he's probably doing it for the same reasons Ward is doing it; he's bored. Ray Leonard was the first boxer to earn over $100 million in total purses for fights. He fought everybody who was everybody, beat them all (The fight with Hagler is still up for debate after almost 25 years though) and probably has enough saved that his great-grandchildren will live comfortably. He could do a decent 'Ali shuffle' when he had to and always had great balance so you know, this might be interesting to watch.

But we know I'm lying when I say that. We shouldn't really care if Ray Leonard can Foxtrot or if Romeo can do the Hokey-Pokey or if Jericho can do the Macarena. Do you know why, because when they're finished, they're never going to do it again. Shame on the people who watch this program week after week. Shame on you for having such low standards of entertainment and punishing yourselves for said standards with such awful stupid programs.

If you're going to watch a reality show, have it involve real people trying to achieve real goals. Hoping to get somewhere, overcome an obstacle. Reality shows with real people!

...If you see anybody who watches this show, hit them hard. Very hard. And don't stop until they're crying AND bleeding

The Asshat Commonly Known As Prince

You know, as people get older, they start to make mistakes a lot easier. Take my beloved Opa for a second. Sure he has views that prevent anyone in my family from running for office for about fifty years and he could probably write an entire encyclopedia on Seinfeld and the works of Bugs Bunny, yet occasionally he'll be fixing something and injure himself to the point where Mad TV's Paul Timberman would wince in pain.

However, all the amputations, loss of blood and bee stings can't compare to the sheer buffoonery that is the existance of Prince Frederic Prinz von Anhalt or as I like to call him, Prince Frederic Prinz von Asshat.

Ah, we were just talking about you

First, let's just make something clear: He's not a real Prince. He was adopted as an adult by the daughter in law of a German emperor and has publically admitted that the title doesn't mean jack.

For those of you, Asshat is the husband of former actress/socialite Zsa Zsa Gabor. You've probably never heard of her or seen any of her movies. In fact the closest you ever got to seeing her in a movie was watching her sister Eva Gabor voice the character of Bianca in The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under.

Behold, the face that launched a thousand furries

So yeah, since it's not fifty years ago and her name isn't in the news anymore, Prince Asshat has decided that the best way to remind us that she's alive is to keep up to his namesake and to the most assinine things you can imagine. So let's just look over some of the more memorable aspects of Prince Asshat's exposure in the media.

1. "Call the Maury Show, I know I'm the father!": Remember back in 2007 when Anna Nicole Smith died and people where shocked that a gold-digging, bloated, alcoholic, drug abusing, no talent, Marilyn Monroe wannabe, died of an accidental overdose and decided that they would cover her funeral like she had actually contributed something to society?
(Well, to be fair, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have Stephanie Weir's hilarious portrayal of her on Mad TV)

Well, off course with Anna Nicole Smith being dead, there was great speculation about who the father of her daughter was. While my name was often tossed into the mix, one of the many who came forward claiming to be the father was Prince Frederic. Yeah, here's the thing, Anna Nicole Smith only nailed old men who had lots of money to leave her when they died two hours after marrying her. What's even more laughable is that he said that this affair went on for over ten years. Yeah, right, I'm sure you just kept telling her, "The cheque's in the mail."

Why is it people who dress up like the Joker always seem to die of an accidental overdose?

2. "They may have stolen my clothes, but they didn't steal my pride!!! I gave that away years ago...": Since the Anna Nicole story didn't get him his own reality show which he was probably secretly hoping for, later that year, his Royal Dumbness found himself in a most unusual situation. It seemed that while sitting in his Rolls-Royce, he was approached by three beautiful women who wanted to take pictures with.

Hoping that they would later die of an accidental OD, Asshat obliged, knowing that a picture might be used as evidence that he fathered one or all of their children. However, as soon as he opened the door he was robbed at gunpoint, stripped naked and bound him handcuffs. Despite no handcuffs being found at the scene of the crime, the assailants were never found.


OK, not even those freaks who pretended their kid was in the runaway balloon were this desperate for a reality series. No handcuffs were found, and yet despite taking all your stuff (clothes, ID, wallet), they just happened to leave behind your cellphone? You make these robbers out to be cunning and manipulative and the next second they're as stupid as you are. Try harder next time, or claim you're in a runaway balloon.

"Hello, ladies."

3. "Let's run for Governor like it's 2003!": Remember back in 2003 how California was having a recall election and everyone from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Gary Coleman to porn star Mary Carey ran for the position of Governor.

Well yeah, seven years after everyone stopped caring, Prince Asshat (I'm not going to stop calling him that) decided he would throw his own hat into the mix. His reasons were running were simple enough: There had been an Irish-American, Armenian-American and Austrian-American running the joint, so why not a German-American?

Buddy, why not just say the following: "This state has been governed by people who aren't celebrities, people who were celebrities, so why not someone who would sell their nutsack to the devil to be a celebrity?"
Oh he also added that California had the best beaches, oranges (Talk to Florida, dude), wine and (I'm not kidding) pot.

Sadly he had to drop out of the race due to his wife's ailing health. He may be an asshat but at least he's not a doucebag who would exploit her illnes to get sympathy votes.

4. "Get me my medicine. It's right next to the rat poison.": This happened just recently and to be honest, I nearly pissed myself when I read the story. A few days ago, hoping that the ghost of Christmas yet to come would finally reward him with a reality show, he accidently glued his eye shut.

Now, as I said earlier, when we get older, we make mistakes a lot easier but why in the name of god would you keep nail glue right next to your eye drops. Also, why in the hell wouldn't you look at what you're grabbing? What makes this even more stupid is the fact that he admitted that Zsa Zsa doesn't even use the nail glue anymore.

SO WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, ASSHAT!?

So yeah, in short, Prince Asshat is a danger to himself and most likely others and would be best kept under 24 hour guard in a room with padded walls and shock treatments every twelve hours. My only hope is that my own grandparents can age with grace and dignity and not one day accidentally brush their teeth with a jackhammer.

"There's nothing wrong with eating rotten fruit!"

DONKEY!!!

You don't need to be reminded that I'm a big Gordon Ramsay fan. I love his passion, his attitude and his sense of humour. And of course, the show that got me started on this adoration was Hell's Kitchen.

I've watched every season. I remember during the summer three years ago when I lived with my sister and her boyfriend how we would gather around my laptop and watch episodes that had been recently uploaded to YouTube while eating a dish that Ramsay himself had posted online like broccoli soup or sticky lemon chicken.

It looks like baby vomit!

Yes, I've been faithful to the show and for some reason it's doesn't seem to get stale or boring...except for this season. It's no fault of Ramsay because whether he's throwing a hot pan in someones face or complimenting them on a perfect risotto, he's always entertaining.

The chefs he has as contestants this season...they just suck so far as I'm concerned. I don't know, their personalities are either bland or bitchy and I really can't believe how quickly these so called men develop vaginas over the course of a few dinners. Plus, how can they screw up stuff that's been on the menu for almost every season. Sorry, but if you haven't got any idea on how to do scallops then you might as well have me take your place, cause I can do scallops.

"Those scallops look lovely, Schweitzer-Man. Service, please."

Plus, five minutes into the first episode and you knew something was off. It was so obvious that the contestants themselves had noticed it and were voicing their displeasure.
No Jean-Philippe.
What in the hell? Yeah, he's back in London working as a maitre'd at another Ramsay restaurant but come on. The dude said he'd never return to Europe and then he just ditches the loyal TV audience like that.

OK, well, he had his reasons and they were legit. But I'm sure that whomever they've got to replace him can surely live up to expectations and while not replace good ol' JP, can certainly be a worthy successor.

Oh...no!

This is what we've got as a substution for the immortal JP? His name is James and don't even ask me where he's from because I don't think his accent can figure it out either. With JP, everything he said, it had that bit of Frenchiness to it...even though he was from Belgium. But with James, it's like his accent is a mix of Texan, British, French and just a drop of Dutch.

Think I'm joking? In episode five of this season, the blue team is doing a punishment and folding laundry. One of the fat guy's pretends that it is a dress and begins flaunting around in it.
"Fat guy in a little table-cloth..." (Apologies to Chris Farley)
James sees this and is unamused. He says something but the problem is his accent at the time is in the mixer and nobody has provided subtitles. So what is he saying?

"Do not cease my lemmings"?
"Do not caress my lemons"?
"Do not increase my limits"?
"Do not crease mile eating"?
Turns out it was "Do not crease my linens" but in all honesty, we could have been here for hours guessing.

After a while, I was just getting bored with it and stopped watching it. However today, after finishing a bi-weekly assignment, I decided that I would spend the time necessary to catch up. Imagine my shock and disbelief when I found out that I hadn't missed everything because the show was on hiatus due to baseball.

So now, I'm not sure whether to count my blessings or if I should catch up on what I've missed on The Apprentice, which I'm surprised to discover I've enjoyed more than this season of Hell's Kitchen.

JP, we hardly knew thee

Updates and stuff...

A new blog post in less than a week? Surely there must be something wrong with me. Well, you're kinda right. All last week I had a sore throat and possible fever that left me coughing like I had given up smoking for the first time since exiting the womb.

Naturally, I tried to stay hydrated but this of course resulted in more phlegm and since I'm a typical lazy bastard, I decided to discard the mucus in a bottle of Brisk Fruit Punch. Now of course, since I'm feeling better, I no longer need the bottle however I am afraid that the phlegm in the bottle may have mutated into something similar to the slime in Ghostbusters II. Releasing it could suck all of Calgary down into the 7th layer of hell: Edmonton.

I should get a medal since I didn't let this happen


Now, you'd think after a week of coughing up slime, that I would be cured. And you're right. But then of course, come Monday morning, I wake up with a stiff neck. Now I've had them before but this probably ranks as the second worst I've had. It was like someone replaced my neck with the Tin-Man's leg and then injected Viagra into my neck. Seriously, you could swing a scimitar at my neck and it wouldn't budge.

Of course I am all better now but with these recent bouts of sickness, I've lost weight which isn't good considering that the average obese toddler has more weight in their ass than I do in my entire body.

I thought people were supposed to be starving in China


Anyway, since I already run around work like a horse, run at the gym like a gazelle and a metabolism which on it's worst day is still faster than Usain Bolt on his best day, I decided to follow some advice I was given and buy a tub of ice cream for myself. It's strange but considering what a sugar addict I am, I haven't really touched it. Perhaps I'm afraid I'll turn into some fat slob and just sit around watching soap operas.

Ben and Jerry's: The closest Rosie O'Donnell ever gets to having a threeway with two men

At the moments M'Lord and M'Lady are probably on their way back from vacation to...wherever the fuck it is they go. I'm being honest, I have no idea where they go or what they do. All I know is this: They ask me to watch the dogs and make sure they're fed...and then don't leave me any food to feed them!!!

It would be like if I said, "Hey, while I'm gone, feel free to use my car to go wherever you want" but then when you get in you find that I didn't leave any gas in the tank.
Their daughter has a word for that kind of arrangement: "Poop!"

Joke's on you...I don't even own a car

For some reason I want to write about MasterChef now that they just aired the season finale but I don't feel that I would do any good. Mostly it would be me bashing that smug jackass David Miller. Now, I know, I am the embodiment of the term "smug jackass" but I can turn it off. Plus I'm likable...at least I think I am.

And there's also the new season of The Apprentice. While I normally liked the show in the first three seasons, the more it went on the more tiresome it became. Plus when he's got his own kids helping him make business decisions...yeah, it just doesn't float. Sorry, Donald, but you and your kids and your bad hair have to go.

"Your mother-I mean, 'you're fired'!

Babies...they make you wanna go "KA-BOOM-DE-AH-DA!!!"

I have a feeling that the people who do commercials for Discovery Channel are going to tune it down with the "Boom-De-Ah-Da" song considering some bat shit crazy environmentalist tried to blow up the network's headquarters a few days ago. I guess he thought they were saying "Ka-Boom-De-Ah-Da".

This guy, James Lee, was later shot to death by police after a standoff that lasted a couple hours. He held several people hostage because he was really pissed about Discovery's lineup and how they weren't doing enough to save the planet. From the sounds of it, he seems to be a pissed off fan of Captain Planet who thought that the power was his...get it? Well, anyway, he didn't like shows such as Deadliest Catch and Cash Cab.

See, maybe if you watched shows like Cash Cab, you'd smile once in a while

He was looking for Discovery to be helping to save the planet but in his mind it was destroying it with shows like I previously mentioned. Well, here's the thing, dumbass, the network is called The Discovery Channel, not the "Save the Planet for Fat Emo Environmentalists Channel". Here's the thing, people like watching shows like Deadliest Catch, Cash Cab, Mythbusters and How's It Made.

They want to DISCOVER new things that they had never known before. We all know that environmentalist pricks like you just want to put panic into people and basically rule the world with an iron fist. Now don't start jumping down my throat, why don't you read the bullshit that would make a Scientologist scream, "Fuck me, you're nutty!"

I know it's lengthy but I'll sum it up for you with three words: HE HATES BABIES!!!!

Even this baby? Yeah. Especially this baby.

He just goes on and on about "disgusting human babies" to the point where it sounds like you're reading the orders of an alien overlord who has taken control of this planet but wants to reduce the chances of a slave uprising by the humans. Can I ask what's so special about baby rats? Or baby squids?

Sorry, dude, but you should adjust your attitude towards the human race like I did towards Justin Beiber. Yeah, like the human race he can be pretty annoying at times, often wasting time doing nothing, and just plain confusing. But the thing is, he's here, nothing I can do to make him leave, might as well live with it. The same goes for humans.

He even goes off on a tangent about illegal immigration and "anchor babies" and how we should get rid of them. This is coming from a man who spent time in prison for smuggling an illegal immigrant into this country. Way to set an example for any pathetic followers you were able to get, dickhead.

So that woman got into the USA, probably settled down, got married and then had kids before Arizona kicked her ass out. Way to go, genius, you contributed to what you were trying to prevent!

I don't get why you're so against babies. Yeah, they don't contribute much in terms of conversation, have trouble holding their crap in, have a tendency to be fussy and can sometimes throw up, causing you to throw up the following night. My landlord's baby did that to me once; I got over it by the time I finished my five minute/five pound weight loss program (Which is a fancy term for vomiting)

I know that this isn't going to do any good for him now that he's dead, but for anyone else out there who worries too much about things out of their control and believes that babies pose a greater threat to this planet than the Klingons, I'll give you a short list of ways you can help decrease the baby population without resorting to violence!

Defeat the babies! The battle will be glorious and bring honour to your house. Qapla!

1) Castration-This might be difficult for some of you crazies out there...especially if you're a woman, but guys, you have to man up for the last time cause the balls have to go. No gonads, no goddamn kids. Remember, let the knife do the work.

2) Arranged Marriage Scam-Where am I going with this? Well, take a look at at the picture I posted earlier of James Lee. Yeah...not nice. Now imagine if that guy scammed you into believing that you two had entered an arranged marriage. Would you want to do it with that guy? No way, you'd rather be taking it from the Klingons. No sex with the man you think is your partner for life, no babies.

3) Go Into a Building Armed With Guns and Explosives Because You Don't Like What You See on TV and Hope the Police Shoot to Kill-It worked for James Lee

Boring White Guy FTW!!! (AKA: The Death of American Idol)

Once upon a time, American Idol was something that was actually pretty interesting. Granted the only episodes I watched were the first few of the seasons where they separate the talented from the people who sound like they're gargling razor blades when they sing and I only watch those for a little confidence boost.

I don't know what he's thinking but I know it isn't healthy


However like the rest of the world in 2002, I watched as Kelly Clarkson became the first Idol winner and actually went on to sell albums, win awards and be recognised in public a year later. But it seemed that the more the show went on, the less popular the contestants would get once the season had ended. It was like the public was saying, "So happy you won. Bored now. Later." Plus, how often was it where the singer who came in second turned out being more popular than the winner?

"Hey, hey hey, I'm the guy who beat Clay...and are you gonna finish that cake?"


Plus, how repetitive did the shows get? They'd have a theme for the week, butcher some singer's landmark song, applause, Randy Jackson's play-it-safe critique, Paula Abdul slur about how she'd like to buy a vowel and finish with Simon Cowell busting Ryan Seacrest's balls harder than he does the crappy singer and repeat for however many contestants there are that evening.

Then the following night, have a full hour dedicated to getting an answer you could get by kicking Seacrest in the throat and yanking that envelope out of his hands, opening it and telling whatever reject who knew they had it coming to get lost.

Brian Dunkleman: Career Missing since Season 1 of Idol ended

But the weird thing is, people loved this crap. I can sort of understand it since they got to decide who would be the winner in the end (Yet not decide to buy their albums) but the fact that the audience put up with these one hour shows just to find out who was going home that week. Aside from the last ten minutes, who in their right mind would watch that? But then again, there are worse things you could watch in an hour...

The Hills: Helping the pro-choice movement since 2006

Things were going downhill on the show, you could tell, but it got to the point where Paula Abdul was getting so drunk she thought that people were singing their second song even though they were the first singer to start the show off. She would pass it off as exhaustion, stress, alcohol poisoning, heavy workload, un-prescribed medications but whatever it was, you could tell the executives behind the scenes were sweating whenever the camera caught her throwing up in her Coke (the soda) cup.

Then last season they decided they would add another judge to slowly ease Paula out of the picture and they brought in songwriter Kara DioGuardi.
Who?
Regardless, her opinion meant dick but it was nice to have at least one female judge who knew what state she was in when addressing the contestants.

"Hi. My name is Kara DioGuardi and even I haven't heard of me.
Could someone Google me?"

And in that last season you had one contestant who stood out the most. Whether you voted for him or not, you couldn't really ignore the intensity he brought onto the stage and injected into every song he belted out. Adam Lambert was most likely going to win the show last year but it seemed that a lot of people were put off by his possible homosexuality.

Gasp! A homosexual in the music industry! Surely the world of the 21st century is not ready for such radical change. So instead they gave it to some guy named Kris Allen who probably thought he was the luckiest heterosexual on the planet when he won.

Season 8 winner Kris Allen. Missing since season finale. Foul play by gay mafia suspected

Meanwhile, in between seasons, Paula Abdul decided that now would be a good time to walk away from the show (Could she walk away in a straight line?) and leave people scrambling to find out who would replace Paula. There was speculation that it could be Britney Spears but that was just a recipe for disaster that only a network like Fox could only dream of. But after months of speculation it was decided that the newest judge would be long time producer and multiple Grammy award winning DJ Ellen Degeneres.

Wait-what?

OK, Simon Cowell, I can understand having because he's a record producer and has been doing this for a long time.
Randy Jackson, I also understand having because he's worked with people like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston as well as being the brother Michael never talked about.
I did what Kara asked and found out that she is a songwriter. OK, that makes sense I guess but what in the name of all things German does Ellen bring to the table? She's a big fan of the show and...she dances on her show. That's it.
Did they ever get a callback from Britney Spears?

"Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?"

So by this point you could tell that the show was just going downhill. The familiarity of the judges was gone, most of the contestants were people with rice-cake personalities (Bland, white, no flavour) and to put the final nail in the coffin, Simon Cowell declared that this season would be his last.

Most people don't watch American Idol for the singers, they watch it because they want to see Simon destroy someone's life with just one clever quip that couldn't be pulled off by anyone who didn't have a British accent. And as a final act worthy of a Picard facepalm, the audience once again picked some boring white guy with little to no personality to win. Gee, cause everyone was just crazy for Taylor Hicks in 2005.

With Cowell now departing, Jackson is the only remaining original judge and if he's smart, he'll walk away before Fox gets the same idea I just had and decide to make Kevin Federline the replacement for Simon. Cowell himself said he was getting bored with the whole thing and can you blame him?

So to wrap it up, American Idol once was perhaps the most important TV show in North America. Now it's probably going to reach the importance levels of Dancing With the Stars. And don't get me started on that piece of crap. Whoever watches that needs to have the stupid slapped out of them.

Pot and Crab Meat?

One of my favourite reality series (before it went to shit) was The Apprentice with Donald Trump. We used to watch it in business class when I was in high school and we would discuss it afterwards. Found a channel on youtube that has most of the episodes I remember back in the day. 

 Last night I had a dream that I was in New York City, on The Apprentice. I'm pretty sure it wasn't Celebrity Apprentice because I didn't recognize any of my teammates (Though maybe that means it was Celebrity Apprentice) and our task, not really having to do anything with business, but just to see who could get more people to sign a petition. I guess whoever was Team Leader decided that ours had to involve the legalization to sell marijuana and crab meat in the same package. Don't ask me what sense that made, I still can't figure that shit out.