Of "Star Trek", Risks & Rewrites

 Star Trek.

OK, chances are you're sighing and thinking, "This topic again?"
Well, yes, but I want you to hear me out and see where I'm going.

Back in 2020 I was talking about the film franchise with my Tante Kim and explaining that the problem with the current crop of films from JJ Abrams was that unlike the first six Star Trek films, with the exception of the 2009 film, none of them really take any risks, especially Star Trek Into Darkness.

Character Damage Control: Commander Chakotay

 Oh, Star Trek: Voyager, like my parents' attitude in regards to myself, I do love you for what you are, but I also know you were capable of so much more.

You know my story, I'm a huge fan of the TNG Trek era (That's pretty much from 1987 to 2005) but Voyager was special because it was the first one I was going to properly watch from the beginning. And I was hyped from first episode to the last. But in the more than 20 years since the final episode aired, me and a friend have always thought of ways that we would improve things.

So I'm back again, this time to maybe build on a character who had a lot of potential but sadly they never reached their full potential with and that would the show's First Officer, Commander Chakotay, played by Robert Beltran.

That touch of gray in his hair will be gone by the end of season 3...

Character Damage Control: Kes

If you know me or if you've read this blog for long enough, you know that I love Star Trek. I have since I was a little kid and even though most of what the franchise has crapped out lately has been...well, crap-I still enjoy the older series nonetheless.

I have a friend who also is a big fan of the franchise and at least once a day will send me a text message with a question or comment about an episode or something from the franchise because he knows I'm big enough of a savant that without context, I'll know precisely what he's talking about.

"Star Trek: Voyager premiered on January 16, 1995 and ran until May 23, 2001 across seven seasons and 168 episodes, four of which are feature-lengthed."

Movie Review: "What We Left Behind: Looking Back at Star Trek: Deep Space Nine"

I remember back in May of 1994, it was the finale to Star Trek: The Next Generation and the build up to this finale was massive. A show that had a bumpy beginning had now become the most popular show on television and they were bowing out and it seemed like everyone was treating this as the big deal I, as a seven year old, knew it to be.
The finale lived up to the hype, was a perfect way to wrap up the series and cap off a season where the show was starting to run out of ideas.

When Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ended in June of 1999...it barely made a blip on the entertainment radar.

"Sensors confirm no coverage from Entertainment Tonight or Entertainment Weekly, Captain."

My Favourite TV Themes

Back a few months ago, I did a podcast with The Basement Vagrants where we discussed our favourite TV themes/intros. I went back and listened to that and thought that while my list was good, there were some choices that I either neglected to include or shouldn't have put on in the first place. 

It's very hard for me to rank these to other than the final two on this list (Which I consider the best), so any other entry on this list, I enjoy equally. 

Harry Kim: The Whipping Boy of Star Trek: Voyager

For those of you reading this blog for the first time or with short memory-spans, I'm a huge nerd. In 1995, when I was in the third grade, I was super mega ultra excited for the premiere of Star Trek: Voyager on the brand new UPN.

After 10 years in which Voyager's been off the air, it's reputation hasn't improved as is the case like other series in the Star Trek universe, like Deep Space Nine. I was mostly blind to this until after the show went off the air but do I hate it? Hardly. It's a show you can watch if you're bored and want to kill some time because it's raining outside and you're too lazy to do anything else.

If you're not familiar with the back-story of ST:V, I'll try to summarize it as best I can: A crew of Starfleet officers and outlaws (The Maquis) must join forces to make the long journey home across 70,000 light years of space, cut off from any back up. Oh and they pick up a hot ex-cyborg along the way who saved the show from being cancelled.

In the future women's fashion becomes air tight for some reason...


But also on the show was a young, inexperienced officer, fresh out of Starfleet Academy, eager for his first deep space assignment...and of course he gets stranded halfway across the galaxy and thus will probably never see any of his friends, family or fiancee ever again. This was Ensign Harry Kim.
And his character was constantly getting fucked over.

That look of possible fear and dread...that's normal for Harry

So I'm going to take a look at the history of this character and how he was constantly getting screwed by the people around him who were supposed to be his friends and colleagues. There are probably too many examples to list, so I'm just going to give you the ones that stick out to me the most.

1) Graduates are Good but Drop-Outs are Awesome: In the second episode of the series, after realizing how boned they are since they're 70+ years from backup of any kind, the crew has to replace the original chief engineer who was killed in the first episode.

Before I go any further, I should address one major problem with Voyager. The Maquis are outlaws who were Federation citizens who chose to stand up for themselves after the Cardassians kept messing around with them. Starfleet was against the Maquis and declared them outlaws, prompting a lot of Starfleet officers to join them in the process. These are the outlaws who join the Voyager crew and become part of the Starfleet system. The problem is that it happens too quickly. Hell, at the end of the pilot, all the Maquis are in uniform with no problem at all. I mean, sure, they felt the Federation turned a blind eye to all the crap going on in the DMZ, but why let that get in the way of sub-par story telling?

Anyway, one of the members of the Maquis crew is B'elana Torres, a half-human, half-Klingon who assaulted a fellow crew-member in the second episode. She was either dropped out or kicked out of the Academy (They never could get the story straight) and yet somehow this person ends up not only becoming chief engineer...but also gets a promotion to Lieutenant even though she didn't even make it through her second year at the Academy.

So think about that: Captain Janeway knows that Harry has worked to be in Starfleet his whole life and yet makes him subordinate to someone who not only couldn't graduate but even fought against the ideals of Starfleet. Oh and that fellow crewman she assaulted? Yeah, he was actually next in line to be chief engineer.

"Life's a bitch, even in the 24th century."

2) Betrayal is Bad but Blue-Balls are Worse-In a later episode we discover that not only was Harry Kim a promising young man on his first assignment, but he was also dating a lovely young woman back on Earth named Libby.

Now, when the love of your life is halfway across the galaxy and probably thinks you're dead...you're gonna play the field. Sadly Harry Kim sucked at relationships and it became a bit of a joke to his best friend, Tom Paris, later in the show. The dude had gone so long without any Starfleet snatch that he fell in love with a hologram. That's right. He fell in love with a computer simulation.

Although he did get a chance to score with one of the hottest babes this side of the Delta Quadrant, Seven of Nine. You might think, "Well, what's the problem?"

I said he did get a chance...but he never took it.
 For a while Harry was attracted to this ex-Borg who was doing her best to regain her humanity and at one point she was willing to go all the way...and Harry declined. Not only did he decline, but he did it in a way that you would have thought she was going to scoop out his eyes with a rusty spoon. Harry, when Seven of Nine offers you sex, you say "YES!!!" Any blue balls after that point are your own fault.

Seriously, Harry...why?

Enter the episode titled "The Disease". He has intimate relations with a member of an alien species without consulting his doctor (A big no-no in the 24th century which didn't exist when Kirk was banging any female that moved a hundred years ago) and more or less picks up VD. I should note that's not entirely what the title of the episode is referring to...give it a watch, you'll understand.

The funny thing is, she was white before Kirk had sex with her

Captain Janeway is not very pleased that her golden officer has broken a rule and gets so pissed off at him that she puts a full reprimand on his file which could affect his future in Starfleet (FYI: It doesn't).

Compare this to the Doctor's actions in the episode "Flesh and Blood". The crew encounters a group of holograms who kidnap the Doctor (A hologram himself) but later return him when they see that he is not a slave. However when he finds out that the Voyager crew are planning to destroy the holograms, he betrays them and sides with the holograms, who also kidnap Torres as well.

I won't go into too many plot details but by the end, the Doctor realizes the error of his ways returns to Voyager. He submits himself for punishment...but Captain Janeway blames herself and says that she is just as responsible. She even goes so far as to call it an "Away mission".

Harry Kim gets laid, does no damage to anyone but himself...full reprimand.

The Doctor betrays his friends and colleagues, does damage to his vessel and endangers many lives...not even a slap on the wrist.

And wait, I recall an episode where the Doctor himself got laid! OK, granted it was...with another hologram. But still...shit!

"Take off your clothes and step into my office."

3. With Friends Like This, Who Needs Enemies?-Within the first episode of Voyager a sort of bromance was established between Harry and former Starfleet/Maquis member Tom Paris. Tom was originally just an observer, on the mission to offer advice on where the Maquis might be hiding. But afterwards when most of the crew was killed, he was given a full promotion to Lieutenant (Just like Torres) and made chief navigator.

I don't have too much of a problem with that because Tom graduated from the Academy and had a career before he was discharged for covering up an accident that killed three officers. He later joined the Maquis for something to do and was arrested on his first mission. But he proved himself a worthy officer for the job and never had any problems.

Except the one time he hijacked a shuttlecraft to launch a terrorist attack against an underworld society that he fell in love in the hopes of saving it and was only stopped thanks to absurd timing on behalf of Captain Janeway, who demoted Tom to the rank of Ensign.

But hey, don't expect to last for too long because less than 18 months later he was back to being a full Lieutenant with the ability to boss Harry around all he wants.

And in that time, there aired an episode titled "Warhead" where a weapon of mass destruction took control of the Doctor's program and was using Voyager to carry him to complete his mission to destroy a civilian settlement.

Locked in Sickbay with the weapon, Harry is able to uncover that the mission has been cancelled and convinces it to abandon it's mission and destroy other weapons on the same mission. So great, Harry saves not only his shipmates and ship, but probably hundreds of thousands (If not millions) of lives...and stays an Ensign.

Garret Wang, the actor who played Harry, actually brought it up to the creators of the show that his character probably should be promoted but they told him that, "Somebody's got to be the Ensign."

I should note that when Star Trek: TNG and Star Trek: DS9 had their series finalies, there were no characters who had the rank of Ensign. Yeah, even a supporting character like Nog, who went to the Academy later than him would get to Lieutenant before Harry did. And to be fair, Harry only got his promotion in paperback books after Voyager went off the air.

"Harry, get your best friend-me-some beer. That's an order!!!"

4) Getting Screwed in Real Life-After Voyager went off the air, Garret Wang has been pretty critical of the show and how it was run and I don't blame him. During the last two years, Star Trek: DS9 felt like it was about a whole group of people on this massive space station.
During the last two years on Star Trek: Voyager, it felt like the show was only about Janeway, Seven of Nine and the Doctor. Wang wasn't a bad actor on the show, none of them were (Except for guest stars) but as characters they weren't given any development sometimes and Harry Kim is the biggest example.

Wang is also the only actor in the history of the franchise to be denied the opportunity to direct an episode of Star Trek. Why that is, I have no clue. They could have done more with his character and had a great opportunity when Wang was named one of People magazine's 50 sexiest people alive.

Harry Kim was a character that could have had a lot of potential but instead he was always getting screwed by the people around him which was a result of the writers and producers. But things could have been worse...he could have been a character on Star Trek: Enterprise.

When two characters have obvious chemistry, the best thing to do is make sure they don't hook up

Fangasm

I don't need to tell you guys that I'm a huge Star Trek fan (I'm not sure whether the term "Trekkie" or "Trekker" is appropriate) and was thrilled last year when I got to attend the Calgary Expo and get the autograph of one Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker) as well as the awesome Maurice LaMarche (The Brain).

Sometime last week I was browsing through Facebook and got some info from the Calgary Expo's page. Apparently attending the convention, among guest stars Adam West and Robert Englund, was going to include not one, two...but ALL main cast members of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

"Captain, sensors are detecting four Romulan Warbirds surrounding us. Is now really the best time to strike a pose?"

Yeah, I nearly got a boner over that news. Look, back 18 years ago, TNG was the best show on television and whenever I can catch it, I'll give it a watch. Hell, for as big a fan as I am, there are still episodes of that show I haven't seen; and I'm a guy who sat through all of DS9 and Voyager.

The cast is going to be taking part in a large Q&A panel one of the three days of the convention so I'll be trying to attend that because apparently the whole cast hasn't done one together in almost 20 years. So yeah...kind of a big thing. I gotta wonder though, if I got a chance to ask them something, what would I ask. All sorts of possibilities...

Chances are some dumb fan will want to ask Denise Crosby if she could see Tasha hooking up with Data had she not left the show midway through the first season.

Fans think that because they had drunken sex, they must have been in love. The people who think this, coincidentally, have never had sex, drunken or otherwise

If you are that dumb fan, let me hit you with a photon torpedo of knowledge: Denise Crosby herself said, that she would have stayed on the show had she had more scenes between her and Worf like in her final episode Skin of Evil. In that scene, there are some hints that there might be an attraction between the two characters.

But Tasha and Data...well they only did it because they were under the influence of the Psi 2000 virus in The Naked Now. I mean, come on, she knew it was a mistake and afterwards went up to Data and said, "It never happened." However, when she said that, a bunch of fanfic writers heard, "Data, I secretly lust for you!"

OK...back to what I was thinking before: If I had a chance to ask each member of The Next Generation cast a question...what would I ask?

Sir Partick Stewart (Captain Jean-Luc Picard):

-Do you like Earl Gray tea?

-How often do you get mistaken for Telly Savalas?

-Whenever you go to the dentist and you're in the chair, does he ask you how many lights you see?

Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker)

-Is it fair to say that your beard is the best thing that ever happened to you?

-How much blame do you accept for Star Trek: Insurrection?

-If they ever made a live action Gargoyles movie, would you want to play Xanatos?

Michael Dorn (Lt. Commander Worf)

-How glad were you that Worf on DS9 was the total badass that he was supposed to be...but wasn't on TNG?

-Is there anyone who, if they were any other man, you would kill where they stand? (FYI: My dad loves that line from Star Trek: First Contact)
-What's it like kissing Terry Farrel? Cause I always wanted to do that when I was a kid.

"I am Worf. I go by one name, just like Cher."


Brent Spiner (Lt. Commander Data)
-Is it true you hated Spot?
-Is it true you're currently voicing the Joker in the Young Justice series?
-What did you think of them making Data so annoying in Star Trek: Generations?


Marina Sirtis (Counsellor Deanna Troi)
-Does it bother you that most people find your character useless?
-Who's the better kisser, Frakes or Dorn?
-Uh, what's with all the TNG cast members being on Gargoyles? Though seriously, I thought you were great as Demona.


LeVar Burton (Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge)
-You've gone on record criticizing Nemesis. If JJ Abrams was behind a new movie with your crew, what would you like to see?
-Why did all the bad stuff happen to your character?
-Why did they have to cancel Reading Rainbow?


Gates McFadden (Dr. Beverly Crusher)
-Were you surprised to be asked back for the third season after being absent completely for the second?
-How come the writers never had you do much in the movies?
-Ever have some idiot consult you for medical advice?


Denise Crosby (Lt. Tasha Yar)
-OK, looking back at it, was leaving the show the worst decision ever?
-Would you have appeared as Sela in Star Trek: Nemesis?


Wil Weaton (Ensign Wesley Crusher)
-You're the fat kid from Stand By Me, right?
-Were you the kid with glasses from Stand By Me?
-Wait, I'm sorry, you played the kid everyone hated in that sci-fi series back in the 90's. OK, my question is, did you always want to play Anakin Skywalker?
-OK, real question, how come you weren't in the final episode, All Good Things?

Relax, I would never ask questions so stupid. Chances are if I did get a chance to ask them all a question it would be something cheesy like, What was the best episode you guys ever did? or Would you ever be interested in seeing a reboot done to your show like they did with the last movie?

Either way, I'm really looking forward to this convention, getting some autographs (I urge people to get a free autograph from voice artists whenever you can. They're so nice, very friendly and will more than likely break into character at the drop of a hat. Plus no damn fees for pictures), new reading material, novelty clothes and maybe pick up some art. I got a few pictures last year but they seem more appropriate for a scrapbook. Still, I can't wait to see what the Calgary Expo has for us later this year.

Simpsons Did It Last Week, Seth!!!

When I was a little kid, my parents were prudes and therefore, sucked at times. I remember being 10 years old and both of them denying me to watch The Simpsons. These days I do my best to prevent children from watching The Simpsons but that's for entirely different reasons which should be obvious to everyone.

However imagine my shock and amazement in 1999 when there was no objection to us watching Family Guy. Maybe my dad was starting to develop a sense of humour, maybe he was attracted by the  main character who may or may not remind others of him, who knows? But we used to watch it together and laugh...until it got cancelled.

What is the most commonly used phrase at the FOX network?

I was excited when it came back. However that excitement quickly faded when I saw that the episodes were...not bad (Not yet, anyway) but underwhelming. They just seemed focused on dragging scenes on and on with boring dialogue, repetitive jokes that didn't go anywhere and musical numbers that made it obvious the writers were putting little effort into what they were doing.

I haven't watched any episodes within the last two years because I got tired of the same jokes over and over and Seth MacFarlane singing. To me, it looked like they were going to keep milking this cow for as long as they could like The Simpsons did and he would do the same with American Dad and The Cleavland Show. It's not like a lot of creative process was going into the making of those shows anyway.

Do I need to go on?

So you can imagine my shock when I read this week that Seth MacFarlane was thinking about ending Family Guy. Now, this might have a lot of fanboys turning white with fear but I don't think you have anything to fear. Look, if he wants it to end, then he would have ended it. Don't be dumb like Larry King and think Seinfeld was cancelled; it went off the air because Jerry Seinfeld felt he had done enough and because he didn't want to do any more episodes.

So what's holding you back, Seth? Surely you read Internet message boards (Probably not) but even you have to know that the quality of the show has dropped big time. Talk to any fan and they'll most likely say that the stuff from the first three season were the best the show ever did.

Look, Seth, I know that people have accused you in the past of copying from The Simpsons but you're doing that right now. For the past two weeks there was all this talk about The Simpsons cast having to take a pay cut and whether it might mean the end of the show or not. Though given how often the show is on so much in syndication, they must be making royalties off of that (Occupy Evergreen Terrace, anyone?) and given how the show is shit these days, the pay cut is well deserved.

And all this talk about you wanting to bring back Star Trek to TV? Look, I already went into great detail about this on the last podcast I did for The Basement Vagrants, it's probably going to be a long time before we see Star Trek on TV and even then there's no guarantee it will succeed. Besides, you're already concerned with bringing The Flintstones back to TV (Cuz the 18-24 male demographic was begging for that) so just leave the 24th century alone.

And there might be some people who say, "Hey, he's a Trek fan and he also guest starred on episodes of Star Trek! Why not him?"

My response:

A) So what if he was a guest star on an episode? William Shatner was the star of the franchise and yet we still got the cosmic turd known as Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. And yeah, I know about the difficulties involved in making that film. I don't give a shit.

B) He was a guest star on an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise. And that's all I will say about that

In conclusion, I don't believe Seth when he says stuff like this. If he wanted to end it, he would have ended it or announced that this would be the last season. I personally think he's just making this up in a pathetic attempt to draw ratings. But if you are sincere in your claims, do it sooner than later.

What is the favourite activity of FOX animation writers?

It'll Get Better

While I do my best to update the blog as often as I can, I do admit that last month probably wasn't my best in terms of blogging quality. Yeah, the 9/11 post was serious and I do like to do serious work every now and then but I hope that this month I'll still be able to do a lot more.

Lately most of my time has been occupied by sleep. Yeah, not gonna lie, I'm a lazy mofo. Working midnights blows, trying to find new work, new apartment and the time I usually have off is spent in dreamworld. Also I've been comitting a lot of time to doing podcasts with friends from college, as well as doing my own podcast for a boxing website I contribute to (Albeit, not consistantly). Last week I took part in a Star Trek podcast that took nearly three hours to get through. Not that I don't have a good time with them but even looking back at it now, I think, "Three hours...what the hell is the matter with me!?" That'll but up on the Basement Vagrants site some time soon.

Right now I keep hearing rumours about how Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore might be getting a divorce cause Kutcher is cheating. I remember being really annoyed at the couple when they first hooked up because I really didn't give a shit about their relationship and it made me realize that there are so many other celebrity couples that make a big deal about how in love they are and then break up shortly after getting married. I'll be making a list about that soon.

But anyway, thanks for the support. Each month has been better than the last in terms of hits and hopefully it will get better in terms of post quality and updates.

Bad Movies Happen in Threes

Despite the fact that I often use the Superman logo to define my identity and do enjoy the Man of Steel, my favourite superhero of all time is Batman. And like everyone else, I saw The Dark Knight and thought that it was made of awesome. They had taken Batman Begins, fixed the shitty fight sequences and turned it into a masterpiece.

Now of course, in the years that have passed, fans have been eagerly awaiting the sequel, The Dark Knight Rises, which is due out next year. It'll be featuring Catwoman and Bane as the main villains. Personally, I'm a bit mixed about Bane considering how useless he was in Batman and Robin, but if anyone can bring to life the original character from the comics, a man who could recognize that Bruce Wayne was Batman just by looking at him, it's director Christopher Nolan. Our villain...who got beat in less than one minute by Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone. Lame!

Since we're just a little more than a year away from it's release, a website for the film has already been set up and a poster has been released. And to further whet the appetites of film goers, a teaser trailer was leaked onto YouTube via some guy's camera phone. I can't really make a lot out of what's there but at the same time, I'm really intrigued and wondering how they're going to close out this series.

And at the same time...I'm nervous as shit about it. Let's face it, The Dark Knight is probably the best superhero movie ever and nothing in maybe the next twenty years will be able to top it (Unless Rises does it somehow) and...well, sometimes it's the third movie in a series where the quality really drops. Let's look over a few examples, shall we? Oh and these examples probably contain spoilers, I guess.

"What do you mean Kevin Conroy is dubbing all my dialogue in the next movie!?"

1) Star Trek III: The Search for Spock-Ah, the sequel that started the 'Odd-Numbered-Trek-Movies-Suck' rule. But if I can be blunt, while this movie isn't as good as it's predecessor, Wrath of Khan, what is? Seriously, the last movie had space battles in nebulas, torpedoes blowing off engines and to top it all, the most popular character in the franchise sacrificing himself to save his friends.

This movie is by no means terrible, it just had the unfortunate duty of following a movie that put Star Trek back on the pop-culture map. Still, it's got good special effects for it's day which still hold up in my view (I prefer models over CGI starships), a good story and Christopher Lloyd as a Klingon commander. What's to bitch about? If you want something to bitch about, trust me, that's what the rest of this list is for.Spoiler Alert: They find him

2) Superman III-Oh God, talk about a drop that was faster than a speeding bullet. The first movie was a great adventure for the whole family with a simple story, great actors and stellar direction. The sequel continued that story with three dangerous villains from Krypton teaming up with Lex Luthor to rule the world and destroy a conflicted Superman. It really made you look forward to the third movie. Which villain from Superman's Rogue Gallery would be used? Brainiac? Bizzaro? But it would be neither. The producers decided to do something totally unexpected. With two great films under their belt, what could the filmmakers do to take a Supercrap on a promising franchise?

They cast Richard Pryor. Look, I'm not saying Pryor is not funny. His standup is hilarious, he's an influence to millions of comedians and drug users but...Jesus Christ was casting him just a bad idea. In fact...the whole movie was a bad idea. They replace Lex Luthor with this guy who's just Luthor with a different name, the fight between Clark Kent and Superman (Yeah, you read that right) and the so called 'comedy' in the film. If there's one thing I remember liking in this movie, it's this scene. But don't worry, if this abomination didn't kill the franchise, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace finished the job."I've come to save this franchise from any future credibility."

3. Batman Forever-The first two Batman movies directed by Tim Burton were really good. However, after the first two he handed the role of director over to Joel Schumacher. Where Burton's films were dark and gothic, Schumacher just made everything really...campy.

Remember how the villains from the first two were dark, menacing and intriguing? Too bad, because now we got loud, annoying and making us wish we were watching a better movie (An omen of things to come for Jim Carrey's later work). Oh and they finally decided to throw Robin into the mix. But instead of him being a teenager like he normally was in the comics (I refuse to believe Batman would let a nine-year old fight crime), they thought that casting 25 year old Chris O'Donnell was the best move. Cause there's nothing that can be misinterpreted by Bruce Wayne allowing a grown man to come and live with him.

Oh and Tommy Lee Jones was just forgettable as Two-Face. Oh and way to piss on the character's personality by having him constantly flipping the coin until he gets the result he wants. The coin in his only judge. Once a decision has been made, it is done. There is no appeal, no nothing.

And what's with that title anyway? Batman Forever sounds like something a fanboy would write as his Facebook status after getting an autograph from Adam West. But to the film's credit, at least it wasn't Batman and Robin.

Little known fact: Billy Dee Williams (Lando) was originally supposed to play Two-Face

4. The Godfather Par III-How the mighty had fallen. The story of the first two Godfather movies is almost like a Greek tragedy while the third movie is just a tragedy in and of itself. What hurt this movie? The absence of Robert Duvall as Tom Hagen? The casting of Sophia Coppola as Micahel's daughter? The whole kissing cousins subplot? Connie being too dumb to know that Michael had Fredo killed?

I've only seen this movie once and it just didn't feel right. In my eyes, it was like watching a movie that was trying to be like The Godfather but just came up really short. On the one hand, I can see why they would want to make a sequel but on the other hand, after 16 years, it just didn't really make any sense. Michael at the end of Part II had beaten all of his enemies yet was probably hurt the hardest with his wife leaving him and choosing to murder his own brother. Let's hope that we just leave this series where it is. Yeah, this is what mafia movies need: More incest!

5. Spider-Man 3-How could I possibly forget about this series? It started out with such promise. Granted it wasn't without flaws; the first movie had atrocious dialogue that I would write when I was still in grade school and the second movie...well, I think it's overrated. Granted I've only seen it once but it didn't leave that big an impact on me like it did everyone else.

However I was excited for the third movie because they were going to be bringing in Venom, played by Topher Grace along with Thomas Hayden Church as the Sandman and James Franco now out for revenge against Peter Parker for apparently killing his father in the first movie. I knew right then and there that it was too much for just one movie.

Having Sandman be Uncle Ben's real killer to me cheapened the impact of Peter's discovery in the first film. I sat there thinking, "It took you that long to figure this out? Wait, the original guy you caught, yeah, he was an accomplice, but he didn't even try to make some sort of deal with the cops?"

Oh and then there's the issue of Harry finding out his father died by his own hand. What the hell was that butler waiting for? Harry had already gotten his face fucked up by a bomb because of his revenge due to this guy not telling the truth and NOW he thinks this is the best time to tell him, "Oh, hey, Spider-Man is totally innocent"? I would be beating the shit out of that old dude and I don't care if his brother was President Taft or not.

And then there was Venom...what little there was. Why did they have to show Topher Grace's face every time he spoke as Venom? We know who Venom is. Stop reminding us. We're not retarded. How would you have liked it if every time Batman spoke in The Dark Knight I nudged you in the ribs and shouted, "That's Bruce Wayne played by Christian Bale...in case you forgot!!!"

And of course, what kind of person would I be if I didn't mention emo-Peter or that god damned fucking stupid dance scene. That's the direction you wanted to take this movie? You have Peter Parker, slowly being taken over by an alien organism that is changing his behaviour and actions...and a fucking dance scene was the best thing you could come up with? I'm sorry, but did you call in Joel Schumacher to write this scene? I watched the Spider-Man cartoon when they did the Venom storyline and nowhere, nowhere was there any stupid dance scene!

Are you trying to show anger or constipation cause right now either one is making me laugh

I think I might be worrying about nothing when it comes to The Dark Knight Rises. After all, the people behind these movies have shown that they want to do adult stories for adult audiences and not take said audience for granted. But still, if there's a dance scene...even if it's a small one, cut it from the film.

Calgary Expo 2011

After missing the Calgary Expo last year due to my bosses being complete assholes and changing my schedule at the last minute, I was determined to make it this year. While I do count myself as a big nerd, I wasn't about to dress up for several reasons:

A) I do not own a costume or Starfleet uniform

B) I really don't want the attention.

However I did want to show that I was a part of the community and thus wore my Green Lantern t-shirt, despite the fact that I don't care at all about Green Lantern and find his weakness to be laughable at best.

So off I went, on the C-Train after arriving home at work and failing to get in a quick cat-nap. As I rode, I saw that I couldn't see anyone cos-playing but quite a lot of people with weekend passes. And since I wasn't too familiar with where I was going, I just decided that I would follow someone and do my best not to look like a tourist in a city I've lived in for almost two years.

Entering the convention reminded me of that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where Bowman reaches the monolith and says, "My god, it's full of stars" and is then exposed to a screensaver (Can you explain to me what I'm watching in that movie?). However instead of stars, it was just nerds. And yet it was so awesome. I was overwhelmed by the numbers and I was expecting a lot of people to show. This is what happens when you say that Star Trek is better than Star Wars out loud

I knew that there was a lot of stuff to see but at the same time I was just so overwhelmed by the people I saw. On my left I saw Robocop looking through comic books from the fifties while a guy in a Superman costume handled a boa constrictor. On my right, a ninja from the Villiage Hidden in the Leaves shopped shuriken (Throwing stars). It was like I had travelled into a modern day version of the Mos Eisley Spaceport. Every life form from pop-culture converged on that large area and were all cool with each other. Even though I was tired from being up all night before, I suddenly got a surge of energy that would carry me through the day.

One of the first booths I wanted to check out was for Blind Ferret Entertainment, a Montreal based group which produces the webcomics Least I Could Do, Looking for Group and Gutters. I don't read Looking for Group but the other two I keep up to date with. While LICD may not be for everyone (You'll be offended eventually and most likely laugh at the same time in the back of your mind), I find it enjoyable and decided to pick up a volume of their work.

Now you might be saying, "Uh, Schweitzer-Man, you can read every strip online...for free!" True, but I like that the book came with creator commentary on the strips. And besides, I get a free reusable bag out of the deal, so we all win. Plus I got it autographed by writer Ryan Sohmer and artist Lar DeSouza.
Least I Could Do is about a narcissist who uses his charm, humour and vivid imagination as much as possible to enjoy life. Why are you all looking at me like that?

Now of course the big deal about this convention was the the one and only, two time Emmy winner, Golden Globe winner and of course, the man who put the "star" in Star Trek, William Shatner was going to be there. And if Shatner is going to be there, then there's going to be a massive lineup for his autograph. And if Shatner is giving autographs...then you're going to be paying a lot. I think I heard that it was $40 for just a picture with him and $75 if I wanted an autograph.

Considering that the man is still able to get work these days, I have to wonder why I should have to pay for his signature? Now, if the money is going to a good cause (Which I like to think), then I'm pretty cool with it. However I heard from someone that Shatner wasn't really interacting with people; that he was just signing the photos and moving on. Now should I ever get rich and famous (Support this cause by giving me lots of money!), one thing I'll do if I'm ever at a convention, is not only sign what you want my autograph on, but also take a few seconds to talk to you. "Hey, how's it going? Enjoying your day? Favourite episode is...?"
The reason these people got where they are is due to the fans.

This was the closest I got to getting a picture of William Shatner

However after hours of wandering around, I saw there were lineups to get photos and autographs from voice actors. I was initially going to get one from Vic Mingnona but didn't at the last minute mainly because I can only think of one anime he'd been in and that was Full Metal Panic.

However, I did see one voice actor's name and instantly knew that even if I had to face a thousand Klingons, I would get Maurice LaMarche's autograph for my dad. Back in the mid-90's, there were awesome cartoons on at the time. Animaniacs being one as well as it's spin-off show, Pinky and the Brain. Now my dad's pretty old school about animation. If it doesn't involve anything that includes the voices of Mel Blanc then he honestly couldn't give a shit. You could show him the lastest English dubbed anime from Japan but he would much rather watch Foghorn Leghorn smack that dumb dog on the ass with a stick. My dad could probably look at this picture all day and laugh

However, he loved to watch Pinky and the Brain. He would listen to the Brain insult people, things, Pinky and would laugh his ass off. One of his favourite moments is when Brain super-imposes a picture of himself on a horse with Pinky's head and says, "Here I am atop the beast of ignorance." So when I saw that Maurice LaMarche was not only going to be signing autographs and posing for autographs for free, I instantly got in line and waited forty-five minutes.

It was worth it because I had some interesting conversations with other fans as well as heard some gay guy lisping about how he didn't know anything about Pinky and the Brain.

"Oh, isn't that the show where there's like a grumpy mouse and a happy mouse?" he mused.

I would have smacked the stupid out of him right then and then however I was getting closer to Maurice.

"I'm not sure if this will be safe for Slimer," he said as Egon from The Real Ghostbusters. As I got closer and closer, I started to feel a bit nervous. Granted I wasn't meeting Shatner but this was the next best thing.

Maurice shook my hand, smiled and couldn't have been nicer, even breaking out the voice of The Brain to say a word to my father. If you want to check it out, just follow this link. Part of me wishes I had said a little more to him but I didn't want to sound like some blabbering fanboy. However, if there's anything I regret not saying, it's that my younger sister used the song Brainstem to study in her nursing program."Hello, I'm Maurice LaMarche and I'm awesome. YES!!!"

I thought about getting into the line for Rob Paulsen (He did the voice of Pinky and a lot of other characters) but that was three times as long and I was lucky to get to the front of mine early. No, I would have to wait another time. One thing I also regret missing was a panel Maurice, Rob and Jess Harnell (The voice of Wakko) took place in. Apparently they took turns doing William Shatner impressions and did other things too. I have no idea if anyone asked Rob to recite Yakko's World but I've seen video of him doing it before and that would have been cool to see.

I kept wandering around with no clear goal in mind. As the final hour approached, I got near the autograph section again and saw that there was a very short lineup to get an autograph from Jonathan Frakes, who played Commander Riker on Star Trek: The Next Genearation and also hosted Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, which was sort of like a modern day Twilight Zone or Alfred Hitchcock Presents. This I couldn't pass up, especially since in the third grade, I wrote a brief explination to a magazine, explaining why Riker was my favourite character. Looking back at that letter, I can say that it's poorly written and I only picked Riker because all the characters were my favourite. But it still got published anyway.

Regretfully, I wasn't allowed to film my encounter with Frakes but he was nice, shook my hand, signed my picture and thanked me for coming out. I didn't mind shilling out $20 for that. By that point, fatigue was beginning to set in. I could write a whole other paragraph or five about my adventures with Calgary transit, however I expect you're pretty tired from reading this already. All in all, it was a great time, I'll be going back in 2012 and getting a weekend pass.Probably my favourite picture I took that day. I don't know why but it feels like a perfect representation of this convention

Made It So

After missing it last year, I've just spent the better part of a day at the Calgary Expo where I was very fortunate to get the autographs of Johnathon Frakes (Commander Riker) and Maurice Lamarche, who is a really awesome guy. Have a lot of pictures and I'll be uploading Maurice's message to my father (Done in The Brain's voice, no less) as soon as I get a chance but right now, kinda tired. Up for more than 24 hours and on my feet for almost the same amount of time. I've earned a little break

It's That Time Again...Who Will Be Next?

I've been back for over two weeks from a very nice vacation where I visited family, reconnected with old friends, got drunk with said friends (PS: Those of you near Papa Cheney's in downtown Windsor should really try the deep fried cheesecake. It's great when you're drunk) and perhaps most importantly, watched Aaron and Katelynn finally tie the knot. I had a great time, put on some weight and came back looking refreshed. Everyone kept telling me how much better I looked. If life were a commercial, this would be the part where a narrator tells everyone that I asked my doctor about Viagra.

However enough about that, this is about me. That's right, the time of untimely death (My birthday) is approaching once again. While no one has perished early like Gary Coleman last year, I've done some looking and found that a lot of famous people have died on my birthday. Holy crap, is June 25th just some date where the Grim Reaper goes on a free for all and touches as many people as he can? Well, we'll find out as we go through the list again.

What dark powers lay dormant in this innocent child?

1) Pope Cornelius (253)-Yeah, we're starting this back over fifteen hundred years ago. I had no idea my powers extended this far, but let's take a look at this man named after an ape. Well, it's a lot of boring history here and that's coming from someone who is a big history buff. But it seems that Cornelius was elected during a time where Christians were being persecuted and this really pissed off his buddy, Novatian.
There's probably a lot more interesting stuff that happened but let me tell you that Cornelius was exiled and later died. Moving on. This is not the Cornelius I was talking about!

2) Hatano Hideharu (1579)-Oh this is more like it. We've gone from boring old monkey popes to kick-ass Japanese warlords/samurais! He was pretty stubborn and apparently after offending another warlord and decided to surrender with dignity...only after the offended warlord offered to use his own mother as Hatano's hostage.
Hatano went and apologized and was promptly executed. After that the Hatano clan vanished and was never heard from again. "Oh hai."

3) George Armstrong Custer (1876)-OK, now we're getting into the big leagues. We've gone from boring popes, to samurai who try to pull of wearing purple to one of the most infamous soldiers in history. Believe it or not, he actually graduated last in his class at West Point but that doesn't mean...who am I kidding? It does kinda foreshadow his disastrous Battle of Little Bighorn, more commonly referred to as Custer's last stand. According to Wikipedia, he was heard shouting, "Hurrah boys, we've got them! We'll finish them up and then head back home to our station."

A few minutes later, he was killed along with two of his brothers as well as his brother-in-law. Sucked to be a Custer that day.

"Hey, we were winning! I just got caught with a lucky shot."

I'm not very good with predictions but if I had to make a guess at who would die on my birthday this year, it would be Zsa Zsa Gabor. She's been knocking on death's door for a while and given the way her husband acts, this is exactly the opportunity to launch a new reality show called, Prince Asshat is Really Old and Single.

I have a lot of different thoughts about turning 25. That's a quarter of a century. That's the same amount of time that passed from the first episode of the original Star Trek to their final movie together. I'll be closer to fifty than zero. But I'm not exactly the kind of person who will be crying in front of a birthday cake, wailing about bullshit because I've got good health, six-pack abs, a good amount of money saved up and for the most part, my youth. You're only as old as you feel.

How To Make Boring Flights Fun

I like flying. I don't do it a lot but if I'm going home for a vacation, it's the only way to travel. However, one thing bugged me about today's flight: No television. It seems that a wire got loose or something, I have no clue, and that shut off the TVs all throughout the plane.

That sucked for me because I had my headphones, ready to watch anything that might hold my attention and also because I had bought the latest issue of The Ring magazine but had accidentally put that with my luggage which was being loaded onto the plane. So while I was flying, I thought of ways to make airline travel much more interesting when you. Most of these are Star Trek related, so try not to complain too much when reading.

1) Re-enact the plane scene from "Commando"-One of my dad's favourite comedies, and one of my favourite Schwarzenegger films, Commando has a good scene where Arnold is on a plane with one of his daughter's kidnappers. In an attempt to escape before takeoff, Arnold requests a blanket and a pillow, then quietly knocks the guy out and breaks his neck, then using the blanket and pillow to cover up the deed.

Getting off before takeoff is going to take a lot of ingenuity but since this is Arnold, he gets it done no problem. He approaches the back and a dumb stewardess stops him.

"Sir, you need to remain seated during takeoff!"

Arnold just looks at her and simply says, "I'm airsick."

Re-enact that. Granted it will probably get the flight delayed because they think you're going to try and ignite an explosive in the bathroom but...actually there are no real upsides to doing this."Ja, wait till you see what I read on dees blog."

2) Pretend you're going into warp speed-Yeah, yeah, big Star Trek nerd but this quick little time killer can have you pretending you're commanding your pilot to activate the warp engines as Captain Picard demonstrates here. This might freak a lot of people out and most likely get you kicked off the plane so again, use at your own discretion. "Make it so, Schweitzer-Man."

3) Have Fun With Turbulence-Turbulence can be fun if you pretend that life is like a video game and if you die you can just start where you left off at. However for those who know better, turbulence can be kinda scary. There are options to make turbulence a bit more fun.

Be a Hero: Wear a Superman shirt. But wear it underneath a light jacket or shirt. That way when it starts shaking, you can stand up (Try not to stumble or you'll look like a pansy), rip open your shirt/jacket and say, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this" and move towards the back like you're going to save the plane. I wore a Superman shirt on my plane ride and when it got really shaky a woman two seats over (There was a free seat in between us) grabbed onto my arm. Does anyone else agree that Superboy from "Young Justice" looks a LOT like me?

Be Like Picard...or Kirk: Yep, going back to Star Trek again, this time, instead of shouting to go to warp, just pretend you're sitting in the captain's chair, press one of the buttons and say something standard like, "Engineering, transfer auxiliary power to impulse engines! We've less than ten minutes before this sun goes super-nova."
Again, don't shout but say it loudly enough so that the people in the same row as you can look over and have a WTF look on their face.

Or if you really wanna have fun with it, ham up your delivery like every Shatner impersonator and do your best Captain Kirk impression.

"Mr. Scott, you've...got to TRANSFER auxiliary power to the impulse engines if we...planonescaping! The lives of millions...hanginthebalance!!!"

"We're Under Attack!": Again, going back to Star Trek, during the original series, the budget wasn't as high and special effects weren't as advanced as they are today. That and the acting wasn't always the best. Usually when the starship Enterprise got hit by enemy fire, you'd see some crew members falling one way while others fell another. If you don't believe me, just watch the last five seconds of this clip. So when the plane shakes a little bit, just over exaggerate your movements. That or try to time it perfectly so you fall into some hot chick's lap. Happy landings indeed.

Klingons are responsible for turbulence aboard most starships

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense

For almost a year I've been trying to compile a list of my favourite films of all time. While it may be an easy task for some it has been rather difficult for me because I love film. However one film I know which easily fits into my top 10 is the first Star Wars movie, A New Hope. Even though I saw ROTJ first, A New Hope has a special place in my heart.

I don't know too many people who haven't seen at least A New Hope or even both trilogies because they're very easy to follow. But lately I've discovered that there are some really confusing things in almost all the movies that no one ever brings up and they just confuse me. These are in no particular order so try to stay with me as I go from one spot to another in a galaxy far, far away...

...people actually appreciated George Lucas' storytelling abilities

1) They elected Queen Amidala?- In The Phantom Menace, there is a scene where Queen Amidala addresses the Galactic Senate and tells them, "I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee."

Now, I don't know a lot about monarchies but are Queens elected? I don't think so. At first I attributed the line to just a simple flub be it intentional or not. Amidala was under a lot of stress at the time, it's understandable to screw up a word or two. But then in the next movie, Attack of the Clones, she says that she was relieved that her two terms were up. So wait, the planet of Naboo decided that the best person to elect as Queen, to be their leader was a teenage girl? What the hell is the matter with this planet? They have a fourteen year old in charge and are then surprised that the Trade Federation wants to invade?

Of course there's another line in Clones, that Amidala makes that just leaves you in shock that the Gungans didn't take over: "I wasn't the youngest Queen ever elected." They elected a baby? Is that what she's saying? They elected a baby or a preschooler? Good Christ, what is going on?

The New Queen of Naboo. She was elected in a landslide

2) Princess Leia's REALLY Good Memory-In Return of the Jedi, just before Luke leaves to confront Vader, he decides to tell the Leia the truth about themselves (They're brother and sister). He starts off easy, to break the ice. This is actual dialogue from the movie:

Luke: Leia, do you remember your mother? Your real mother?

Leia: Just a little bit. She died when I was very young?

Luke: What do you remember?

Leia: Just images, really. Feelings. She was very beautiful, kind but...sad.

Now this would all be fine and acceptable except for the fact that their mother dies moments after they're born. What's equally baffling is that Luke was born first and he admits that he has no memory of his mother. Hell, Uncle Owen probably told her she died after a wild orgy with Jabba the Hutt and Bib Fortuna.

And despite Leia being just ten seconds old, she was able to remember that her mother was very beautiful, kind yet sad...the sad part understandable since she was dying and everything. I don't know how the hell this is possible considering most people don't remember most of the first few years of my life. Hell, do you want to know what I remember from when I was a baby? Shoving a raisin up my nose. Maybe Lucas shouldn't have rushed that death scene so quickly...

Oh and equally confusing is why she's screaming so much during childbirth. I've noticed that during childbirth in both Star Trek and Star Wars, despite all this wonderous technology, machines that make food out of thin air, abilities to travel across solar systems in a second...they still don't have a way to make childbirth painless. Why did they keep calling her 'Princess' after her kingdom was destroyed?

3) Obi-Wan's Relationship with Anakin: This is what Obi-Wan Kenobi says about Anakin Skywalker when discussing him in A New Hope.

"He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy. And a cunning warrior...and he was a good friend."

Repeat that over and over as you watch Episodes II and III. Obi-Wan is constantly on Anakin's ass like he's some demented kid who likes to start fires and isn't taking his ADD medication. I can't really sense any form of friendship, it's more like Obi-Wan's just tolerating him. Somewhere along the line I honestly think that George Lucas forgot to watch the first trilogy before writing the prequels. Here's some dialogue from ROTJ where Obi-Wan talks to Luke about his father and I'll give you my version of how it should have gone.

(ROTJ) Obi-Wan: "Anakin was a good friend. When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. But I was amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda...I was wrong."

(Schweitzer-Man Version) Obi-Wan: "Anakin was a royal pain in the ass 90% of the time. When I first met him, I guess he was a good pilot or something. He won this race that I never saw and to be honest, I really didn't want him around. I would have rather hung out with Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar, man! I mean, I thought he was dangerous. But then my mentor died and he sorta guilted me into training him. We...were at odds most of the time, I was usually yelling, he was usually pouting. And then he killed everyone so I chopped off his arms and legs. The end. Oh and that part about him wanting you to have his lightsaber? Yeah, I was just fuckin' with ya."

"Hey, Luke, want to hear some more bullshit about your father?"

4) The Younglings: Just repeat that word over and over to yourself. Seriously, George, why?

5) The Rebels Just Stay There-In A New Hope, we see the Rebel Alliance launch a squadron of thirty ships to try to destroy the Death Star. As soon as the battle commences Princess Leia, 3PO and other leaders watch the battle unfold on the computer and hear how they have fifteen minutes until the Death Star is in firing range of the moon they're hiding on.

Now, I'm not too nitpicky about the Death Star not just blowing up the planet they were orbiting and then blowing up the moon because there might be some other reason, like the Death Star can only fire it's main weapon once an hour or something-I'm just speculating.

But, think about this, they've got the plans to the Death Star, they're a pretty large threat to the Empire and if the mission failed they could always get more people to join...yet they're just standing around waiting to get blown up. No ships are being launched to get out of there, they're just watching. Hell, when the computer announces that the Death Star is in firing range, Princess Leia gives a look like she's thinking, "Ooh, we better come up with a Plan B." Good thing Luke was a good shot. I know that it's all for dramatic tension but...it'd be nice if someone said WHY they were staying.

"OK, they'll be firing in about four seconds. Does anyone want to go start the car?"

6) What Was the Empire Waiting For?-In The Empire Strikes Back, our stranded heroes of Han Solo, Leia, Chewbacca and C-3PO find refuge in Cloud City from Han's friend Lando Calrissian. Of course it isn't until later that we find out...

As the stormtroopers file in with their guns pointed at our heroes, Lando says, "I had no choice. They arrived right before you did."

OK, if that's the case, then what were they waiting for? They let them feel comfortable, change their clothes...why? What was the point of that? Were they so busy touring Cloud City that they just forgot and cried, "Oh shit, we forgot we got to capture the rebels."

Hell, a stormtrooper blows up C-3PO just a few minutes after they arrived. So what, was Darth Vader just feeling like a dick and decided, "I'm going to ruin their vacation!!!" Oh and as an added bonus, Han sees Vader and right there decides to try and blow his brains out. It doesn't do him any good, mind you, but there you go George Lucas: Han DID shoot first! Although now that I've pointed it out he'll probably re-release ESB and change the scene so that Vader gets off a shot that he stupidly misses. God, I need a drink just thinking about that.

7) It was NOT a Trap!-We all know the meme. Even those who never saw ROTJ know of the line and even the name of the character who said it. But if you really think about it, Admiral Ackbar was not much of leader and neither was Lando.

So, the Rebels have got all their ships to do a 'Do-Or-Die' showdown with the second Death Star, with smaller, one-man fighters flying inside and blowing it up by destroying it's reactor. However to get inside, the Death Star's shield, which is generated on the moon of Endor, must be deactivated. So they arrive and found out it's still up just as they're about to go in. So all the ships turn around and one officer shouts, "Admiral, we have enemy ships in sector 37!"

So the fleet turns around to find an armada of Imperial Star Destroyers waiting for them however only the small TIE fighters are attacking. Things quickly change when the Death Star starts firing on the Rebel ships. So Lando decides that the only way for them to survive is for them to engage the Star Destroyers at point blank range, which upsets Ackbar.

Ackbar: At that close range we won't last long against those Star Destroyers!

Lando: We'll last longer than we will against that Death Star. And we might just take a few of them with us!

Now, I don't claim to know what was going through Lando's mind when that battle was happening. But I really think he forgot how vast space really is. For example, he knows that on one end, there is a powerful space station and at the other, there is a fleet of enemy ships? Two questions: 1) Why didn't Lando order the fleet to go around the Death Star?

There sure is a lot of...space behind the Death Star...

I mean, the Death Star doesn't look like it can turn 360 in a few seconds and it would take the Star Destroyers time to catch up.

2) Why not just...go down? I don't mean surrender but why not just use your thrusters and descend like, 5000 meters? Kirk did it in Wrath of Khan, why these ships can't is beyond me.

So, for Ackbar to claim that the scenario there were in was a trap, would be like if you were walking towards an exit when all of a sudden you see a mob of zombies marching towards you. Is that a trap? No, just use your damn head. Trap my ass.