Saturday, May 29, 2010

Gary Coleman Ruined My Birthday!!!

I have a birthday coming up later next month and one thing that has usually happened on or around my birthday is the random death of a celebrity. It's not like in the late Dennis Hopper's case where he's been near death for the past two months but rather a death that just sneaks up out of nowhere and makes you say, "No shit!"

Keep in mind this hasn't happened every year but still, in the past couple of years, on the anniversary of my near divine birth, someone has had to go. This adds to the theory that I am the Grim Reaper and just don't know it yet...

Anyway, let's look back and see who died a few years after I was born

The face of death?

1) Some soldiers in Korea (1950)-Yeah, believe it or not, 36 years before the legend of Schweitzer-Man began, the Korean War started and wouldn't end for another three years. Even worse was that this war wasn't as fun as the series M*A*S*H made it out to be. Another reason to hate Alan Alda.

2) Jacques Cousteau-I was 11 when he died. Didn't know anything about him other than the fact that I thought he was already dead and anything I heard about him was from an episode of Pinky and the Brain. He liked the water, reported to have had The Little Mermaid atop his list of favourite movies...moving on.

Even near the end of his life, Jacques Cousteau loved to play with his action figures

3) Chris Benoit and family (2007)-I used to watch wrestling from time to time but after a while there seemed to be more action backstage in the shitty story lines than in the wrestling ring. However one of my favourite wrestlers was Chris Benoit. He was Canadian, kicked ass and at the time seemed to be a good guy.

Naturally I was shocked as hell when it was reported that he and his family had been found "murdered" in their home. I was just about to start a midnight shift at 7-Eleven when I caught the news and was just floored. It wasn't until days later that we found out the awful truth about what really happened.

4) Farrah Fawcett (2009)- I never heard a lot about her when she was alive. Her prime was in the 70's; way before my time. She was one of those celebrities who was on her last leg for quite a while health wise so for us it was only a matter of time before this Charlie's Angel became a real one. To be honest, I don't really see what the appeal was. Yeah, she had a poster of her in a bathing suit. Has anyone looked at her face in that? She looks like she's high or about to turn into a bloodthirsty zombie. Her death, while tragic, was obscured by another death that happened that day

Looks like it was cold when they took this picture

5) Michael Jackson (2009)-OK, yeah, the guy had been a punchline for the past 10 years but he still had the fans out in masses for his never-to-be comeback tour. But then he had to go and die and then hold the 24-hour news media hostage with constant speculation on whether he was broke, had money, gay, straight, a pervert, black, white, murdered, faked death, going to do a comeback tour as a zombie, Latoya Jackson (Why did you never see them together...kinda like Clark Kent and Superman) etc etc.
Personally, while Thriller is a cool song, I just never got the music video at all and personally think that Smooth Criminal is a much better video.

"Now where can I find Zombie Macauly Culkin?"

Now you're probably wondering how the hell Gary Coleman managed to ruin my birthday. Well, the thing is, he happened to die almost a full month before my birthday. Gary Coleman would have been the perfect choice: He was obscure, going slightly crazy and it's probably going to get him more attention than any shitty episode of Diff'rent Strokes ever did...not that he's not getting that now.

I'm sorry if I sound rather cruel and inhumane but this totally screws up any anticipation I had towards my birthday. There's no way some other random celebrity death is going to occur between now and the 25th? I mean, granted, Todd Bridges could slip on a banana peel and break his neck. Hey, whatever happened to that kid who played Sam in the final seasons of the show?

Before becoming the world's greatest salesman, Billy Mays was famous for kidnapping and threatening untalented ginger actors.
Seriously, though, watch the episode "Sam's Kidnapping" on YouTube, that's some weird shit right there for a sitcom

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Boring White Guy FTW!!! (AKA: The Death of American Idol)

Once upon a time, American Idol was something that was actually pretty interesting. Granted the only episodes I watched were the first few of the seasons where they separate the talented from the people who sound like they're gargling razor blades when they sing and I only watch those for a little confidence boost.

I don't know what he's thinking but I know it isn't healthy

However like the rest of the world in 2002, I watched as Kelly Clarkson became the first Idol winner and actually went on to sell albums, win awards and be recognised in public a year later. But it seemed that the more the show went on, the less popular the contestants would get once the season had ended. It was like the public was saying, "So happy you won. Bored now. Later." Plus, how often was it where the singer who came in second turned out being more popular than the winner?

"Hey, hey hey, I'm the guy who beat Clay...and are you gonna finish that cake?"

Plus, how repetitive did the shows get? They'd have a theme for the week, butcher some singer's landmark song, applause, Randy Jackson's play-it-safe critique, Paula Abdul slur about how she'd like to buy a vowel and finish with Simon Cowell busting Ryan Seacrest's balls harder than he does the crappy singer and repeat for however many contestants there are that evening.

Then the following night, have a full hour dedicated to getting an answer you could get by kicking Seacrest in the throat and yanking that envelope out of his hands, opening it and telling whatever reject who knew they had it coming to get lost.

Brian Dunkleman: Career Missing since Season 1 of Idol ended

But the weird thing is, people loved this crap. I can sort of understand it since they got to decide who would be the winner in the end (Yet not decide to buy their albums) but the fact that the audience put up with these one hour shows just to find out who was going home that week. Aside from the last ten minutes, who in their right mind would watch that? But then again, there are worse things you could watch in an hour...

The Hills: Helping the pro-choice movement since 2006

Things were going downhill on the show, you could tell, but it got to the point where Paula Abdul was getting so drunk she thought that people were singing their second song even though they were the first singer to start the show off. She would pass it off as exhaustion, stress, alcohol poisoning, heavy workload, un-prescribed medications but whatever it was, you could tell the executives behind the scenes were sweating whenever the camera caught her throwing up in her Coke (the soda) cup.

Then last season they decided they would add another judge to slowly ease Paula out of the picture and they brought in songwriter Kara DioGuardi.
Regardless, her opinion meant dick but it was nice to have at least one female judge who knew what state she was in when addressing the contestants.

"Hi. My name is Kara DioGuardi and even I haven't heard of me.
Could someone Google me?"

And in that last season you had one contestant who stood out the most. Whether you voted for him or not, you couldn't really ignore the intensity he brought onto the stage and injected into every song he belted out. Adam Lambert was most likely going to win the show last year but it seemed that a lot of people were put off by his possible homosexuality.

Gasp! A homosexual in the music industry! Surely the world of the 21st century is not ready for such radical change. So instead they gave it to some guy named Kris Allen who probably thought he was the luckiest heterosexual on the planet when he won.

Season 8 winner Kris Allen. Missing since season finale. Foul play by gay mafia suspected

Meanwhile, in between seasons, Paula Abdul decided that now would be a good time to walk away from the show (Could she walk away in a straight line?) and leave people scrambling to find out who would replace Paula. There was speculation that it could be Britney Spears but that was just a recipe for disaster that only a network like Fox could only dream of. But after months of speculation it was decided that the newest judge would be long time producer and multiple Grammy award winning DJ Ellen Degeneres.


OK, Simon Cowell, I can understand having because he's a record producer and has been doing this for a long time.
Randy Jackson, I also understand having because he's worked with people like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston as well as being the brother Michael never talked about.
I did what Kara asked and found out that she is a songwriter. OK, that makes sense I guess but what in the name of all things German does Ellen bring to the table? She's a big fan of the show and...she dances on her show. That's it.
Did they ever get a callback from Britney Spears?

"Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?"

So by this point you could tell that the show was just going downhill. The familiarity of the judges was gone, most of the contestants were people with rice-cake personalities (Bland, white, no flavour) and to put the final nail in the coffin, Simon Cowell declared that this season would be his last.

Most people don't watch American Idol for the singers, they watch it because they want to see Simon destroy someone's life with just one clever quip that couldn't be pulled off by anyone who didn't have a British accent. And as a final act worthy of a Picard facepalm, the audience once again picked some boring white guy with little to no personality to win. Gee, cause everyone was just crazy for Taylor Hicks in 2005.

With Cowell now departing, Jackson is the only remaining original judge and if he's smart, he'll walk away before Fox gets the same idea I just had and decide to make Kevin Federline the replacement for Simon. Cowell himself said he was getting bored with the whole thing and can you blame him?

So to wrap it up, American Idol once was perhaps the most important TV show in North America. Now it's probably going to reach the importance levels of Dancing With the Stars. And don't get me started on that piece of crap. Whoever watches that needs to have the stupid slapped out of them.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

More Kitchen Nightmares

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I'm trying to remember everything I ate/sampled/tasted yesterday but nothing is coming up as something that would make me sick. After waking up much earlier than usual, I went back to sleep and my fever induced brain decided to produce another Hell's Kitchen nightmare for me. Though this time, Gordon Ramsay actually made an appearance...and cursed me out.

"Stop having nightmares about me; I've never met you, you DONKEY!"

I'm guessing that this must have been the first episode of the new season because based on the job I did in my dream, it would be a miracle if I made it to three episodes. First off, the kitchen looked nothing like it did on TV. In fact, it looked more like the dining room considering all the other chefs were sitting at tables and in booths.

So anyway, the maitre'd, Jean Philippe, came to the pass and dropped off the order. Either I had already pissed off Ramsay or this was a test but he demanded that I read out the first order. I was a bit nervous about the whole thing and to make matters worse, I couldn't read what was on the ticket. I once heard that it is impossible to read in a dream but I've been able make out words clearly before. However, tonight wasn't the case.

After getting impatient over my sudden case of illiteracy, Ramsay snatched the ticket out of my hand and snarled that he would read it himself. However while I was ready to listen, the rest of the kitchen was just sitting in thier booths and at the tables, chattering away while I was trying to get them to be quiet.

Suddenly Ramsay turned towards the dining room. "Ladies and gentlemen," he shouted, "if you'd kindly shut the fuck up for twenty seconds, I would like to get the first order out."
It was the first time I'd seen Ramsay yell at customers for making too much noise but, hey, it's his kitchen; I'll let him yell at whomever he likes.

"Look, I'm very sorry for yelling at you. It happened in a fever
induced dream. Now fuck off."

Normally on Hell's Kitchen, the appetizers consist of stuff like scallops, spaghetti of lobster, Ceasar salad but Ramsay called for "Two pear salads away."
Like most new contestants on the show, I didn't know the menu so the words "pear salad" were making no sense to me. What was also making no sense to me was that my section consisted of a small reception table that you usually see as you walk into a restaurant. I probably should have clued in that this was a dream at this point but my mind was focused on my work.

"Where's the lettuce?" I asked. It seemed that this poorly designed kitchen lacked all the things that makes a kitchen what it is. I was able to find the lettuce and get it into the bowls but then I noticed something was missing. No pears.

Never fear, however, since I quickly found a pear and began to slice it very thinly. Why? I have no idea. Remember, this was a fever induced dream. So anyway, I've got the salads ready and then Chef Ramsay comes over to see if they're up to standar.

Without saying a word he picked up one bowl and threw it against the wall, sending lettuce and pear everywhere. So much for the words 'never fear'. However instead of shouting at me, all of a sudden this other fat chef is getting a verbal beatdown from Ramsay. It was at this point that I started to realize, "Hey, something's aren't making sense here" and decided to bolt.

Behind the Scenes

It almost sounds a bit strange for me to actually say it out loud but for the past year, I've been making comics. Certainly not on a pro...