Ch-Ch-Changes

I've been pretty quiet since I published my last webcomic (The Partner). Right now I'm in a spot where...I honestly never saw myself being.

Butch

I got a phone call from my dad Sunday morning. It was business as usual (What did you do last night? Who did you do it with?) until he hit me with some pretty sad news.

"The kitty cat passed away last night."

I can only recall my dad calling our family cat, Butch, once and that was in a moment of frustration when he ran out of the house late at night.
The news of his death caught me by surprise because that cat had plenty of close calls in his life and was always knocking on death's door but that was due to his own general stupidity.

We got Butch in the year 2001, around the time of my younger sister's birthday. She picked him out and helped bring him home. I don't remember much about him at that time except he sneezed quite a bit. My dad wasn't impressed with the name Butch; he has this thing about giving animals names that men his age have: Dennis, Louie, Amil and Lyle (He likes that name for Aaron and Katelynn's dog). But Butch he was and it seemed to suit him as a name.

"Meow."

The first problem we had with him was that he was always trying to escape outside the house. And when we first got him he was fast. You'd open the door and he would bolt before you even knew what was happening. Of course we always caught him (We figured out his usual route and blocked off a part of the fence he liked to climb through) but it took a lot of coaxing and sometimes vanilla ice cream or watermelon.

Yeah, Butch liked watermelon. It was strange because we just fed it to him as a bit of a joke but he really liked it. From that moment on whenever he smelt my mom cutting it up he would move towards the counter and stretch his long body and legs to try and grab any bit of it he could. If that didn't work he would give my mom's leg a massage and quickly get a quick slice.

He also ate most of a banana once. My neighbor's grandson fed it to him and we watched as he licked/chewed on it for quite a while. Yet for some reason he wasn't a big fan of peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Whenever he came by and smelt one he would try and bury it.

"Where the watermelon be at?"

Butch was probably the most spoiled cat that didn't belong to a rich family. My younger sister got him into this stupid pattern that whenever he came back inside (We kept him on a harness attached to a leash) he would get a treat. However as time went on, Butch would get his treat and then beg to go outside again only to want to come back in a few minutes later. He wasn't as dumb as we thought.
Also every morning he would get a special breakfast from my mom. She would mix up a little bit of wet cat food with hot water and he thought this was the greatest meal ever. He would sit by the kettle while the water boiled and lick that shit up the the point where he was moving the bowl just with his tongue.
He got this every morning but on the few occasions my mom slept in, he would do his best to get her out of bed. If nuzzling her face didn't work, jumping onto my dad's dresser and knocking over all his medicine bottles would do the trick.

But as much as he liked to eat, he also liked to play. I don't know who started it but whenever I was going up the stairs from the basement, Butch would chase me and swat at my ankles. It's probably not wise to speak ill of the dead, but I think the little kitty bastard was trying to kill me. He knew I was the cute one and that if I was out of the picture, then he'd be the cute one.
So in retaliation I would rough him up a little bit. Have him try and out wrestle my hand and then chase him around the house like I was going to kill him. That cat could run but when he made a leaping jump off the stairs you could hear the impact all throughout the house.

He had a little lamb that he liked to play with. It was about half his size and he fucked it up. Ripped one of it's eyes out and tore some of it's skin. But he also liked to play with other animals. My neighbour's had a bunny rabbit named Blossom and if Butch saw him he went crazy. He'd meow and meow, trying to get the rabbit's attention but Blossom couldn't care less. Every once in a while he would come up to the fence and Butch would just give him a tap on the head, trying to get a reaction. Blossom would just blink and hop away. And I'm pretty sure Butch studied that hop and taught himself how to do it.
He also tried to get the attention of their cat too but Tigger couldn't care less about Butch. Granted I saw Butch give him a tap on the face and Tigger let out a big hiss like he was ready to replace the U in Butch with an I.

"Stop teasing me about my harness, Tigger!"

After I moved out my parents started to let Butch go out on his own, no harness, with the idea that he knew where home was and he knew that he got fed there. There had been some scary nights when he was out for a while but he always came back. Some time last year I was talking to my dad on the phone when all of a sudden he stops the conversation to scream, "Oh, Puss, you're favouring your right paw."
Dad hated the name Butch and would usually call him Puss, Pusser, Puss-Puss and Shithead.
After the injury, they kept him back on the harness for a while. He would like to go out at night and come back in just before going to bed. My dad said that in the last little while that he was sleeping a lot for a cat. It's his idea that Butch knew his time was short.

I like to think that too. I know it sounds stupid but maybe he thought he had a bit more time and decided to go outside for one last little adventure. He was found not too far from our backdoor and he hadn't been gone long because he was still warm. I get the feeling he probably wanted to make it to my parent's bedroom and sleep on his special towel at the end of the bed on my mom's side...but it was too late.

I haven't shed a tear over his passing but that doesn't mean I'm not sad. I'm going to miss not hearing him meow at late hours looking for someone to play with; watching him chase his own tail like a stupid dog or watching him get excited when he sits by the window and chirps at birds he hopes to eat. I'll miss hearing him meow and purr at the same time whenever he gets his special breakfast and those little massages he would give out at the oddest times.

However one thing I won't miss about him was his warped sense of humour in thinking that taking a massive dump on brand new sheets for my bed was a riot. Hadn't even gotten a chance to sleep in them and he's already defiled them with his stench. It was so bad my dad had my sister handle the sheets.

But there were plenty of more good times than bad with Butch and those are the times I'll remember best. I miss my kitty and I always will.

Butch Schweitzer: 2001-December 17, 2011

Where Was I?

It was the second week of grade 10 for me ten years ago. I had just come from my first period English class and was headed to the first floor for second period History. There was a four minute window that you had to get from one class to another and while other students were entering I saw another teacher come in and say to my teacher if he had heard about a plane that flew into the World Trade Center.

Even though I had no idea what was going on, it immediately caught my ears however after a few moments I quickly dismissed it. Probably just some two-seater plane with an amateur pilot who had trouble and made a deadly collision. Tragic but nothing extreme, I thought.

Once that period was over it was time for lunch. I made my way to a pay phone to call my dad because he was to pick me up for lunch and at the time he had about as good a memory as his grandmother does today.

"Dad, you're supposed to pick me up today, remember?"

"Andrew, I'm sorry, I forgot. I've been watching the news. Do you know what's going on?"

"No, what?"

"Terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center. Both towers are gone!"

I suddenly got a flash of these two large towers on fire, being destroyed in the middle of a metropolis. This was something that happened in Tom Clancy novels and bad movies. As I waited outside for him to come pick me up I could hear more and more students suddenly talking about it.

As soon my dad pulled up I got in and we raced home, listening to news updates on the radio and once inside, watching it all unfold on television. A plane had flown into the Pentagon and another airplane had crashed somewhere in America. The endless loop of the second plane hitting the second tower and their final collapse was searing itself onto my brain. Constant flashes of "America Under Attack" sent a sickening feeling through my body.

I never expected to hear those words. In my life the words "Under Attack" was something that happened to Federation Starships or characters in a Schwarzenegger movie. You just never expected it to happen in real life.

I can't remember what I had for lunch (Or if I ate anything) or the rest of that day. However I do know when I first became interested in the world around me. Before then I had my sights on place: Hollywood. I wanted to be an actor and make movies for a living. But suddenly my life took a dramatic turn. I wanted to know what was happening in the world all the time. I started paying a lot more attention to American politics.

Before that, my generation never really had a "Where Were You When" moment. The closest we ever got to that was when Bill Clinton went on TV and admitted that he had lied about Monica Lewinsky. But there was never anything that got our attention and maintained it for a long time. Never something that shook us and changed us, whether or not we were aware or willing to admit it.

I remember being in one of my first days of college for journalism and leaving the Politics class. I can't remember what we discussed but I know that I talked a lot throughout it, like most of my classes and that the date was September 11, 2007. We had just come out and another student remarked to me, "Hey, you know a lot about politics."

"Yeah," I answered. "I've been interested in politics for the past six years."

Bringing Real Life to Sesame Street

Like a lot of kids, I watched Sesame Street when I was a little kid. By the time you're about four years old you've outgrown it but still, it's one of the first TV shows that you watch. And you can probably remember most of the characters: Big Bird, Snuffy, Grover, Elmo and of course Ernie and Bert.

Now, before I get into this whole controversy about the petition to get them married, let me just say that this never occurred to me until I was about 12. That was when Jerry Falwell was railing against the Teletubby known as Tinky Winky, insisting that he was a homosexual character. I remember a comedian suggesting that if Falwell go after any characters that were supposedly gay, he should go after Bert and Ernie.

Can you tell me how to get the hell out of this neighbourhood?

And yeah, everyone's joked about this but in all seriousness, come on, do you really think this stupid petition is going to work? They're fucking muppets, they don't have a sexual orientation. But I've seen things from the other side and thought, "Why should we stop with gay marriage for Bert and Ernie? Shouldn't this show cover other hot topic issues that younger audiences might care about?" I thought so and that's why I wrote a letter to Childrens Television Workshop, detailing some very interesting storylines which I'm sure views will enjoy.

1. Immigration-Maria and Luis decide to go on a cross country road trip but encounter some trouble when they enter the state of Arizona. It turns out that Luis has been living in the country illegally and now faces deportation! The residents of Sesame Street rally to try and get a good lawyer as well as teach children outside of North America how to keep a low profile while waiting for your fake green card to arrive in the mail.

Naturally I don't think this would work in real life because, I mean, come on, Sesame Street teaching kids to break the law? You're more likely to find an episode of Barney where he teaches those kids how to roll a joint.

This would attract the 18-39 demographic that always eludes them...

2. Hoarding-After black mold nearly kills him, Oscar the Grouch is confronted by the residents of Sesame Street about his lifestyle. It is revealed that Oscar has abandonment issues and fears losing everything of value which is why he holds onto everything...even if it really has no value. It is also revealed that Oscar hasn't bathed since the Truman administration.

This will be a great chance for Sesame Street to do a crossover with A&E's Hoarders. Plus, it'll teach children at an early age that no matter how bad you think your own life is, there's always someone on TV you can point to and say, "Holy shit, that dude's messed up!"

3. Narcissism-Elmo gets his ass kicked by people who are sick and tired of his dumb 'Tickle-Me' ass always speaking in the third person. He is encouraged to get well but also told that it will probably happen again unless he doesn't change his ways.

I don't care if I sound like a total asshole when I call for the beating and near death of a "beloved" television character. Would you want your kid to grow up always referring to themselves in the third person? No, it's annoying and you'd kick their ass if they weren't your kid. And if you say you wouldn't then you need your ass kicked.

Someone has to stop him...

4. Addiction-Everyone knows that Big Bird's best friend is Mr. Snuffeupagus, also commonly referred to as "Snuffy". But it is revealed that the nickname comes not from a shortening of his last name, but due to his addiction to cocaine. Snuffy is caught by Big Bird doing three lines of cocaine, each line a metre long. He insists that he can quit anytime but decides to go to rehab after nearly ODing outside Mr. Hooper's store.

This would be a great episode to show kids that it's OK to ask for help when you've really fucked up. And it would also show that if you care enough about your friends, you'll do anything you can to help them. Plus it would include special guest star Charlie Sheen as himself.

The way this guy spoke, you knew he was on something illegal

5. Facing Facts-I'm not sure about the rest of you, but sometimes when I was a little kid, I wasn't sure if Big Bird was a guy or just a really butchy female bird. Now it's obvious that he's a boy but since we're trying to cater to all audiences, why not just have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite?

Why not? Come on, everyone knows this one is true. You can have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite and have special guest star Lady Gaga do the same thing. That and have someone beat her up for her narcissism as well.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me. And I thought Paris Hilton was desperate for attention

Shocker! Amy Winehouse is Dead!!!

A little over a year ago I wrote a piece about former teen actress and current waste of space, Lindsay Lohan. She had just been sentenced to a light prison sentence where she would be cut off from the booze and drugs but have plenty of access to any lesbian inmate she wanted and I applauded the decision. As I mentioned in that article, addicts piss me off.

And while I've made jokes about another addict in the past, I never wrote a page about her probably because I assumed she would just OD one day and that there was no point. However she kind of hung on and escaping death like my idiot cat, Butch. But the Grim Reaper can't be held off forever and today it seems that Amy Winehouse has done her last line...either in the form of music or cocaine. Take your pick. And yes, no cause of death has been confirmed yet but...come on, use your head.

How I signed my reaction to Amy Winehouse's death (I have a sore throat)

Look, I know that for members of her family, her friends and to fans that this must be a really sad day for them, but come on, it's not like she was making headlines for her singing ability lately. Every other article was about her fucking up a stage show, her entering or leaving rehab or how someone close to her was worried she might not be around too long if she didn't get her act together.

Go on YouTube and type in "Amy Winehouse Drunk" and you'll find that those videos have more views and comments than any video of her where she's actually singing or aware of what month it is. The woman was a wreck, looked like one and moved like one on stage.

Don't believe me? Check out this video and tell me if I'm wrong. Hell, if anything, the title is misleading because it says she "Performs". However, if you go to an Amy Winehouse performance, do you expect to see her sing or walk around the stage like a blind man who's just been hit in the head with a baseball bat and ask band members where she can score some coke?

Wait, this is Amy Winehosue, so chances are that "sing" was the last thing you expected. And if you did, it probably wasn't worth what you paid.

I know I might be a little cold and downright mean with my words right now but one thing I can't get over is that she was just 27. That's just two years older than me. Imagine that, you're in the prime of your life and for the past couple of years all you've done is just self-destruct and piss away everything you ever did or wanted to do? Like with Lohan, I would love to have the adoring fans, the ability to inspire, to have fans waiting for my autograph. And besides, what the hell was so hard about your life that you needed drugs and alcohol to end it?

Look, I enjoy a good drink. At Aaron's bachelor party I was drunk to the point where after I downed a shot of God knows what, I raised my arms and proclaimed, "I AM A MAN!!!" and continued to wolf down a deep fried cheesecake. But I know my limits. I don't do it every night, every week or every month even. In fact, the last time I can remember having anything alcoholic was at Aaron's wedding.

Is it sad that she's dead? Yes, of course. But we shouldn't act surprised by it or any other celebrity who spends more time at the Betty Ford Clinic than doing their job. Honestly, let's just make Robert Downey Jr. a motivational speaker for retarded celebrities who didn't get the message even after South Park put is so plainly for us.

This was the best picture of her I could find of her

As a final note, I would like to say that while Amy Winehouse was indeed a talented singer, it's a shame that the troubles she brought into her personal life overshadowed all the accomplishments she made (and could have made) in her professional life.

Calgary Expo 2011

After missing the Calgary Expo last year due to my bosses being complete assholes and changing my schedule at the last minute, I was determined to make it this year. While I do count myself as a big nerd, I wasn't about to dress up for several reasons:

A) I do not own a costume or Starfleet uniform

B) I really don't want the attention.

However I did want to show that I was a part of the community and thus wore my Green Lantern t-shirt, despite the fact that I don't care at all about Green Lantern and find his weakness to be laughable at best.

So off I went, on the C-Train after arriving home at work and failing to get in a quick cat-nap. As I rode, I saw that I couldn't see anyone cos-playing but quite a lot of people with weekend passes. And since I wasn't too familiar with where I was going, I just decided that I would follow someone and do my best not to look like a tourist in a city I've lived in for almost two years.

Entering the convention reminded me of that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where Bowman reaches the monolith and says, "My god, it's full of stars" and is then exposed to a screensaver (Can you explain to me what I'm watching in that movie?). However instead of stars, it was just nerds. And yet it was so awesome. I was overwhelmed by the numbers and I was expecting a lot of people to show. This is what happens when you say that Star Trek is better than Star Wars out loud

I knew that there was a lot of stuff to see but at the same time I was just so overwhelmed by the people I saw. On my left I saw Robocop looking through comic books from the fifties while a guy in a Superman costume handled a boa constrictor. On my right, a ninja from the Villiage Hidden in the Leaves shopped shuriken (Throwing stars). It was like I had travelled into a modern day version of the Mos Eisley Spaceport. Every life form from pop-culture converged on that large area and were all cool with each other. Even though I was tired from being up all night before, I suddenly got a surge of energy that would carry me through the day.

One of the first booths I wanted to check out was for Blind Ferret Entertainment, a Montreal based group which produces the webcomics Least I Could Do, Looking for Group and Gutters. I don't read Looking for Group but the other two I keep up to date with. While LICD may not be for everyone (You'll be offended eventually and most likely laugh at the same time in the back of your mind), I find it enjoyable and decided to pick up a volume of their work.

Now you might be saying, "Uh, Schweitzer-Man, you can read every strip online...for free!" True, but I like that the book came with creator commentary on the strips. And besides, I get a free reusable bag out of the deal, so we all win. Plus I got it autographed by writer Ryan Sohmer and artist Lar DeSouza.
Least I Could Do is about a narcissist who uses his charm, humour and vivid imagination as much as possible to enjoy life. Why are you all looking at me like that?

Now of course the big deal about this convention was the the one and only, two time Emmy winner, Golden Globe winner and of course, the man who put the "star" in Star Trek, William Shatner was going to be there. And if Shatner is going to be there, then there's going to be a massive lineup for his autograph. And if Shatner is giving autographs...then you're going to be paying a lot. I think I heard that it was $40 for just a picture with him and $75 if I wanted an autograph.

Considering that the man is still able to get work these days, I have to wonder why I should have to pay for his signature? Now, if the money is going to a good cause (Which I like to think), then I'm pretty cool with it. However I heard from someone that Shatner wasn't really interacting with people; that he was just signing the photos and moving on. Now should I ever get rich and famous (Support this cause by giving me lots of money!), one thing I'll do if I'm ever at a convention, is not only sign what you want my autograph on, but also take a few seconds to talk to you. "Hey, how's it going? Enjoying your day? Favourite episode is...?"
The reason these people got where they are is due to the fans.

This was the closest I got to getting a picture of William Shatner

However after hours of wandering around, I saw there were lineups to get photos and autographs from voice actors. I was initially going to get one from Vic Mingnona but didn't at the last minute mainly because I can only think of one anime he'd been in and that was Full Metal Panic.

However, I did see one voice actor's name and instantly knew that even if I had to face a thousand Klingons, I would get Maurice LaMarche's autograph for my dad. Back in the mid-90's, there were awesome cartoons on at the time. Animaniacs being one as well as it's spin-off show, Pinky and the Brain. Now my dad's pretty old school about animation. If it doesn't involve anything that includes the voices of Mel Blanc then he honestly couldn't give a shit. You could show him the lastest English dubbed anime from Japan but he would much rather watch Foghorn Leghorn smack that dumb dog on the ass with a stick. My dad could probably look at this picture all day and laugh

However, he loved to watch Pinky and the Brain. He would listen to the Brain insult people, things, Pinky and would laugh his ass off. One of his favourite moments is when Brain super-imposes a picture of himself on a horse with Pinky's head and says, "Here I am atop the beast of ignorance." So when I saw that Maurice LaMarche was not only going to be signing autographs and posing for autographs for free, I instantly got in line and waited forty-five minutes.

It was worth it because I had some interesting conversations with other fans as well as heard some gay guy lisping about how he didn't know anything about Pinky and the Brain.

"Oh, isn't that the show where there's like a grumpy mouse and a happy mouse?" he mused.

I would have smacked the stupid out of him right then and then however I was getting closer to Maurice.

"I'm not sure if this will be safe for Slimer," he said as Egon from The Real Ghostbusters. As I got closer and closer, I started to feel a bit nervous. Granted I wasn't meeting Shatner but this was the next best thing.

Maurice shook my hand, smiled and couldn't have been nicer, even breaking out the voice of The Brain to say a word to my father. If you want to check it out, just follow this link. Part of me wishes I had said a little more to him but I didn't want to sound like some blabbering fanboy. However, if there's anything I regret not saying, it's that my younger sister used the song Brainstem to study in her nursing program."Hello, I'm Maurice LaMarche and I'm awesome. YES!!!"

I thought about getting into the line for Rob Paulsen (He did the voice of Pinky and a lot of other characters) but that was three times as long and I was lucky to get to the front of mine early. No, I would have to wait another time. One thing I also regret missing was a panel Maurice, Rob and Jess Harnell (The voice of Wakko) took place in. Apparently they took turns doing William Shatner impressions and did other things too. I have no idea if anyone asked Rob to recite Yakko's World but I've seen video of him doing it before and that would have been cool to see.

I kept wandering around with no clear goal in mind. As the final hour approached, I got near the autograph section again and saw that there was a very short lineup to get an autograph from Jonathan Frakes, who played Commander Riker on Star Trek: The Next Genearation and also hosted Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, which was sort of like a modern day Twilight Zone or Alfred Hitchcock Presents. This I couldn't pass up, especially since in the third grade, I wrote a brief explination to a magazine, explaining why Riker was my favourite character. Looking back at that letter, I can say that it's poorly written and I only picked Riker because all the characters were my favourite. But it still got published anyway.

Regretfully, I wasn't allowed to film my encounter with Frakes but he was nice, shook my hand, signed my picture and thanked me for coming out. I didn't mind shilling out $20 for that. By that point, fatigue was beginning to set in. I could write a whole other paragraph or five about my adventures with Calgary transit, however I expect you're pretty tired from reading this already. All in all, it was a great time, I'll be going back in 2012 and getting a weekend pass.Probably my favourite picture I took that day. I don't know why but it feels like a perfect representation of this convention

Goodbye

Well, I had hoped that I would be doing this blog for a few more years but it seems like that isn't in my future...or anyone's since the world is going to end tomorrow.

So yeah, here I am, pissing away the last couple of hours instead of just getting piss drunk like the rest of the world probably is. Instead, let me give you a quick list of things that I hoped to have gotten done if it weren't for this coming doom.

1) Interview Gordon Ramsay-The dude is just so interesting and whether he gives an interviews that's straight up for laughs where he calls everyone a donkey and calls their bad cooking shit or being very serious talking about his rough upbringing and surviving the toughest kitchens in Paris you know that it's an interview where you'll be hooked on every word.

2) Finish My Top 10 Movies List-Yeah, I'm a lazy bastard, no getting away from that. I'd give you a sneak preview, but I think I'll have plenty of time to finish it when I'm in Hel-I mean...Heaven. Yes...Heaven. However I'll let you know that I've recently added The French Connection to the list.

3) Write a Good Episode of Glee-Take the time to laugh but hear me out. There would be musical numbers, but they'd all be incomplete due to somebody interrupting them. That way, no one would hear the finish product and be in a bigger hurry to buy the songs when they're released on iTunes. I have no idea what in the hell the plot would be but I think I'd call the episode, "The Sound of Music". I like irony.

4) See a big fight in Vegas-Aaron and I mentioned going back to Vegas one day and hopefully catching a big fight. Now whether it be boxing or UFC, it wouldn't really matter to me.

5) Get something published-I've got story ideas stored away all over the place. Some of them might have made a good book. Maybe even good enough to get sales into the triple digits

Well, I could go on for days but since we have less than one left, thanks for reading. See you...out there.

It Never Rains...

When people talk about "Hell freezing over", they're mostly talking about a typical day in Calgary. It usually means lots of snow, lots of grumpy people and a severe lack of natural sunlight which makes my albino-esque complexion stand out so much that they're begging me to by a tanning session at the gym. I'm not kidding about the last part.

But one thing that I really miss about Ontario weather is a good thunderstorm. Right now my parents have been getting their fair share of showers lately but I must say, I just miss the roar of thunder, running between raindrops as I tried to get between car and house and especially the lightning. It reminded me a lot of the Emperor from Return of the Jedi.

I remember working at a tiny gas station one sunny Sunday afternoon in Maidstone. These three dudes on motorcycles came in, filled up their bikes and then I noticed that they were just standing at the fuel island, looking out towards the horizon (Which I couldn't see from my position) and talking amongst themselves. I decided to see what was going on and stepped outside and looked down the highway that lead to Windsor.

You could see this enormous black cloud floating above everything and slowly inching itself closer and closer towards us. I spoke with the bikers and they were headed into Windsor but weren't sure of what they should do now. I remember them riding off into the darkness but when I left the rain was just wild. For some strange reason, I enjoy driving in the rain even if everyone else on the road is acting like they're skirting around a minefield.

God dammit, Mother Nature, can we get a thunderstorm...preferrably when I don't have to be anywhere?

Yes, something like this will do just fine

Writer's Block

I must say, in terms of writing, I had a great month in April. Most of my stuff may have been not to everyone's tastes but given that it was the third highest rated month since I started this blog, I think most of you liked what I was doing.

However now I'm in a rut. There are things that I want to write about but every time I star to type, it looks like shit, even to my standards and I erase the whole thing. And that's not to say that there's not a lot going on in the world. The debate rages on to whether OSB is really dead (Trust me, if Al Qaeda is on the rag about it, then ya, he's dead), my best friend is getting married at the beginning of next month (Though in Harrow-dude, seriously?) and during my time home I'll probably do some more cooking (I'm posting recipies-trust me, it's good).

Is it bad that I can't remember the last time I wrote something down in a journal?


Right now I'm thinking of doing a post about two shows that I find to be some of the worst on television yet at the same time, I can't get enough of. Those are The Steve Wilkos Show (AKA: The Jerry Springer Show without transvestites and midgets) and Operation: Repo. It's the latter which I find more ridiculous but I'll probably get into those reasons later.

Wow, you sure look menacing in those overalls

Rot in Hell, OBL

I remember being fifteen years old when 9/11 happened. Up until then, I had always been waiting for the "Where Were You?" moment for my generation. My dad's generation had the Kennedy assassinations, Watergate, the attempted assassination of Reagan and the Challenger explosion. The closest that people my age ever got to that sort of moment was the Clinton sex scandal but that wasn't one of those moments that made you stop dead in your tracks. 9/11 was what got me interested in American politics and journalism.

Now you may find this hard to believe, but when I watched the crumbling towers on that unforgettable Tuesday morning, I knew for sure that it was the work of Osama bin Laden. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, you're full of shit" but the truth was that I did. I had read and watched reports of his previous terrorist attacks in Kenya and on the USS Cole so it just made sense.

This always just confused the shit out of me

I personally thought that bin Laden would always escape capture and/or assassination. I also thought it was a bit strange that the FBI had him on their Ten Most Wanted List. I mean, do you really expect the world's most wanted terrorist to be hiding out in Akron, Ohio? So you can imagine my surprise when I came home around nine o'clock last night with my Burger King to see M'Lord watching the TV and telling me the news.

M'Lord: Hey, dude. D'you hear the news?

SchweitzerMan: What news?

M'Lord: Osama bin Laden's been killed.

SchweitzerMan: What? Holy _______ _____!!!

That kept me up later than I thought I would be, constantly watching news reports and reading updated websites.

There's a lot of debate going on right now in the White House whether they should release photos of his body. I personally don't see any reason why they shouldn't and I'm surprised that it hasn't been leaked already. Hell, just Google "Osama dead" and you'll probably find a good photoshop job that'll fool you for a few minutes until you look closely at it.

What I find most amusing about this situation is that President Obama decided to make the announcement about Osama's assassination in the middle of Celebrity Apprentice. The dude's gotta feel pretty good that he can rub this in his face and make Trump look like an even bigger jackass.

Now Trump is demanding that Obama release bin Laden's death certificate

Schweitzer-Man and the Freaky Deaky Tiki

When I took over the task of watching Lyle for Aaron and Katelynn, I was under the assumption that they would return the morning on Monday, the 25th. So you can imagine my surprise as I heard the door opening on the morning of the 24th as Lyle started pacing around like mad as the lock on the front door started to click.

Naturally since it was Easter Sunday I assumed it was an attack by the Easter Bunny and was just about to load my AK-47 to greet the bastard when it turns out that it was Aaron and Katelynn returning home. I could get into a whole rant about how Aaron had previously told me it was the 25th but I won't. And you'll probably ask, "Why would you want to use an AK-47 on the Easter Bunny? He's such a lovely, cuddly creature."
My answer: You clearly didn't see the Easter Bunny in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. That thing is scary.

This is the face of a bunny that will do horrible things to you...

Since I was such a good boy in taking care of Lyle and not burning down their house, Katelynn gave me a little souvenir she picked up in Hawaii. It was a miniature tiki. Mine was the god of money. She had also brought home the rock from a volcano which she meant to give to Aaron's mother. She also noted that it was apparently cursed or something.
"Perfect gift for your future mother-in-law," I said.

So I'm back in my usual home with a little tiki giving me face of either intended horror or constipation. However just before going to sleep this morning, I decided I would check the mailbox. Sure enough, there was an envelope with my name on it. I opened it up and was delighted to see my tax return had arrived from the government. I'm not going to reveal the amount, but needless to say, I think the tiki is working.

Behold my new God!

Schweitzer-Man vs the Nazis

"But my Führer, we are Nazis; we have no brains!"

-Nazi Captain in Three Stooges short Back From the Front

Ever since I was a little kid I was fascinated by superheroes and while Batman is my favourite, the first one I remember being exposed to was Superman. I didn't know jack about the whole backstory to him being the last son of a doomed planet until I actually started watching Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman when I was seven. And yeah, I don't care what people say, that was an alright show...until it got dumb of course.

But yeah, it wasn't until I got a bit older that I realized that Superman had been around the time my grandparents were young which is pretty cool. What's also cool is that they incorporated the heroes into the effort against the Nazis in WWII. While it would have been cool to see Superman use his heat vision to slow melt the skin off of Hitler's face, we had to settle for something more suited for the times.

Come on, melt his face! It'll be just like Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Which brings me to what I'm talking about today. I was walking home from the bus stop when I saw a sign attached to a streetlight. Apparently what my history teachers in high school taught me was just a lie because Nazis are alive, well and probably smell twice as bad now as they did in the 30's and 40's. They're holding a White Pride parade and anti-racism march is being planned and I plan to be in attendance with camera in hand.

Nazis piss me off. I remember watching documentaries about hate-groups in high school and most of them were the same story: Fat and friendless in high school, decided to become a Nazi so that way you'll be accepted somewhere blah blah blah. Then they go to prison, meet up with more Nazis, get some stupid tattoos and basically ink themselves so stupidly that it's impossible for them to interact in normal society...like this jackass.

Just the kind of guy you hope your daughter brings home

Naturally with such ignorance out in full force, I could be tempted to unleash my superpowers and beat all up and drop them off at the nearest Jewish doctor's office but instead, I've devised a few ways that you can have fun with Nazis. That's right, fun with Nazis.


1) Bring Three Stooges Videos-If you're going to do this, I recommend Back From the Front or any other sketch where they parody Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party like You Nazty Spy. But if you want to really offend these asshats, then go with Back From the Front.


After all, what's going to piss off some Nazi's more than the story of three Jews who board the S.S. Schiklgruber and easily defeat it's entire crew and dispatching of the captain and his officers by having Moe Howard dress up as Hitler?

"Hang Hitler."

2) Insist that Everybody's Home is Africa-I watched the boxing documentary When We Were Kings about the Ali/Foreman 'Rumble in the Jungle' in Zaire. At one point Foreman can be clearly heard saying, "Africa is the cradle of civilization. Everybody's home is Africa."

Everybody you say? Christ, just try to say that to a Nazi and not have him foaming at the mouth in pure rage.

2A) Ask What their Real Name is-Go the Nation of Islam route. I remember a scene from Malcolm X where he is asked what his real name is by his Muslim preacher. He gives his full name but is then told that that name (Malcolm Little, specifically the surname) is the name of the slave owners who owned his family.

And since everybody's home is Africa...well, for all I know Schweitzer was probably some evil plantation owner in Africa! In fact, I bet that history has twisted his image so that he looks like some great man who won the Nobel Prize. Thank God my family escaped his clutches decades ago! But in escaping, we forgot our true names that were given to us.

Albert Schweitzer: Nobel Prize winner, humanitarian, slave master.

3) Remind them that "Buffalo Bill" was probably a Nazi-Some of you might be aware of this but in The Silence of the Lambs, the transvestite serial killer Buffalo Bill can be seen with a swastika in his bedroom when he's going for his gun. It's one of those 'blink-and-you-miss-it' scenes. Now what the hell a transvestite is doing with a swastika in his/her bedroom really has me scratching my head.

Still, in all reality, these Nazis probably have Buffalo Bill up there with Hitler. We know that even though these Nazis hate anyone who's not white or straight but in all honesty, they wish they could be Buffalo Bill. Hell, this might not make them mad so much as it may help them.

"It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it reads Mein Kampf again."

I'm looking forward to this rally in two weeks. Hopefully I can get some good pictures and some funny stories while I'm there. Stay tuned...

Vegas Vacation: Coles Notes Edition

Normally, I could bombard you with a recap of my trip to Las Vegas with a summary so detailed that Tom Clancy would find it longwinded but instead, I'll just go in point form:

• Walking in -30 weather with howling wind is a bitch.
  
  
• Getting to the gate for the flight was one long maze of lines, scans, questions and bullshit that seem so easy to get around that it's a miracle there aren't more terrorist attacks in North America.
  
  
• Aaron's friend Oleg is a nice guy despite living in Edmonton. He and Aaron met on the internet and at this point, I'll allow you to make your own To Catch a Predator joke.
  
  
• Aaron claims he wants to get back into boxing which shocked the hell out of me. I plan to sell him my heavybag for five times what it's worth.
  
  
• Flights can suck ass when you wait an hour on the runway for them to de-ice the plane. Seriously, a whole hour just waiting. A word of advice to any people who want to fly out when it's really cold: Pre-drink.
  
  Flight 547 to Las Vegas is now boozing
  
  
• Nearly suffered heatstroke once we landed in Vegas.
  
  
• Our hotel was right across from Caesar's Palace. Sadly, it was not as extravagant. Did have a better buffet though.
  
  Breakfast of champions
  
  
• Heavy drinking was one of the activities we lined up for ourselves however it was probably a bad idea to eat only two hot dogs before downing drink after drink after drink.
  
  
• I can understand people visiting Las Vegas but for the life of me I can't understand how anyone can live there.
  
  
• Four Loco is an alright drink for the first few sips but after that it's like punch at a high-school dance that someone spiked way too much.
  
  No es bueno
  
  
• We didn't stay up all night partying unlike the people below us however I'm very certain that when it was all done they played 'That's All Folks' from Bugs Bunny.
  
  
• We spent our first night looking for a strip club but when that didn't work we tried looking for the buffet in our hotel which was even more pathetic considering we kept walking past the stairway.
  
  
• It was probably a good thing though since we were so wasted that we would have been thrown out.
  
  
• Aaron came up with the good idea of going to The Gun Store so we can shoot stuff. It sounded like a good idea so we went.
  
  Special discounts for children and psychopaths
  
  
• You know how in the movies someone who has never fired a gun before will pick one up and turn into Clint Eastwood. Yeah, that's a load of shit.
  
  
• I was having a hard time deciding which gun to shoot however I ended up picking the Baretta, just like Robert Blake.
  
  
• There were many targets to choose from and I decided to go with a zombie clown. Aaron took the zombie soldier (Headshots were a must) and Oleg took one that had two bad guys on it. The taller guy was pointing a gun and screaming and the guy in front of him looked like that midget from Fantasy Island.
  
  "What did I ever do to you, Oleg?"
  
  
• The people who work at The Gun Shop were packing heat at all times. Aaron even saw on the website that if you didn't drop the gun when they told you to, that they would shoot you.
  
  
• Apparently Katelynn doesn't like guns. The Gun Store employee deemed her a 'hippie'.
  
  
• Aaron probably did the best out of the three of us. I was only lucky to manage one headshot on my Zombie Clown. However, truth be told, I had to hold back lest my identity as a former assassin be uncovered.
  
  
• After shooting our loads (So to speak) we went back to the hotel for a bit and then decided to do more sightseeing. I mentioned how Mandalay Bay had a boxing museum that I was interested in checking out. And since we could get buzzed along the way, off we went.
  
  
• As I mentioned earlier, just because it looks close doesn't mean that it really is. We walked, drank, drank, walked, stopped to drink, stopped to pee and then drink some more before walking a lot more.
  
  
• I felt kinda bad for Aaron and Oleg because they're not boxing dorks like I was and yet here we were, busting our asses just to get to Mandalay Bay for a museum. At one point I told them that they could go back to the hotel and rest (And drink some more) but they insisted we stick together.
  
  
• If I didn't wear the camera strap around my neck, Aaron would owe me a new camera. He decided it would be funny to poke my ribs while I tried to focus in on a shot. Naturally had the camera been damaged, I would have had to kill him but thankfully, this was not the case.
  
  Aaron caused me to take this...
  
  ...when I was going for this.
  

• The Mandalay Bay fight museum was...smaller than I had expected. And naturally, I almost got us kicked out within ten seconds of entering because I didn't notice the 'No Cameras' sign.
  

• I don't see the harm in me taking a picture of De la Hoya's trunks he wore against Vargas but if those are the rules...
  
  
• Was a bit disapointed that most of the stuff was actually up for sale. I mean, yeah in hindsight it might be cool to own some small part of boxing history. But to have it for sale in a museum? Just didn't sit right with me.
  
  
• Surprised they didn't have any Manny Pacquiao shirts for sale for $10. I would bought one and started wearing it right then and there.
  
  
• From there it was more walking but this time back to the hotel. Thankfully there were trams that could take us from hotel to hotel but sometimes it felt like we were doing the same amount of walking.
  
  
• You'd think we would have been tired after all this walking but once we rested our feet back at the hotel, we decided we would head to one of the strip clubs we couldn't find before. And since we had free passes, we'd be kinda dumb to not use them.
  
  
• "Little Darlings" sounds like a strip club that features midgets. Oddly enough, one guy did offer us passes to Larry Flynt's strip club which features naked midget mud wrestling. Pass.
  
  Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.
  
  
• We weren't even in the club for two minutes and already Oleg was being felt up. Sadly it was by security after he kept setting off the metal detector.
  
  
• We were greatly disapointed that the strip club didn't even serve alcohol. Instead they offered us soft drinks. Cause everyone knows nothing goes better with a lap dance than Mountain Dew.
  
  
• There was one dancer named Pink who I swear had the upper body of a twelve year old boy. However she made up for her lack of boobies by...humping somebody's baseball hat. I'm not kidding. The guy didn't look to happy about it either.
  

• If you want to read more about what happened at the strip club, pick up this month's issue of Penthouse.
  
  
• I was enjoying the scene but for some reason, when receiving a lap dance, I wanted to burst out and sing, "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts".
  
  
• I don't understand why guys think they have to buy souveniers for their girlfriends. Seriously, they'll get over it. Besides, do you think they'll be envious of the crabs you picked up from that stripper and how there wasn't any left for her?
  
  
• Every time I said, "That's my last beer," I was being handed another one. And I drank it.
  
  
• Yes there is footage of me shotgunning a beer. Yes, Aaron and Oleg are full of crap when they say I only did about 1/4 of it, it was more like 3/4 (I would know, I was the one drinking). And yes, I did throw up for over a minute. OK, it wasn't like a minute long puke or anything. Think of it like puking in segments.
  And no, I will not upload it.
  
  
• After the first one Oleg asked, "Did you throw up?" despite being the one holding the camera and pointing it right at me.
  
  
• Even though they were laughing at my expense and I told them, "I fucking hate you guys", I still had a smile on my face.
  
  All the beers I drank
  
  
• Halfway through my barf Aaron told me to finish my beer however I had already put the can down and chances are that I puked on that as well as the balcony.
  
  
• It was funny that immediately after throwing up everything I had eaten up to that point, the next thing I wanted to do was get back to the buffet.
  
  
• I suck at gambling
  
  
• Last day was kind of bittersweet. It was a nice vacation but like all good ones it felt too short and we knew that we were leaving nice warm weather to go back to hell frozen over.
  
  
• If I ever go back to Vegas, I think it will have to be the weekend of a big fight.
  
  
• Viva Las Vegas

That's the Chicago Way!

I'm 24 years old right now. I still consider myself pretty young and most people would agree that I act a lot younger than my age. I don't really look forward to getting old but after browsing the news today, I can't help but count the days until I turn 65. Because then I can shoot people...and get away with it. Come on, if it applies to her then certainly good ol' Schweitzer-Man should get the same deal in 2051.

Can you just imagine that? You're some young punk thinking you can fuck around with old man Alzheimer when all of a sudden-BANG!!!-you've been shot in the stomach and you're bleeding pretty badly. Not enough to kill you, but enough to make you wish you were dead.

"That's the Schweitzer way!"

The big kick that I get out of this is that the kid who got shot is the one who could be facing time behind bars. Actually, I'm not sure what's funnier, the fact that the kid could go to jail or that a lot of people in the neighbourhood are jealous that this old bag got to do it first.

And she gets off with not even a slap on the wrist. Holy shit, this has got to piss off those people who claim they drive halfway across town in their sleep to kill their mother-in-law.

Even cooler is that by the year 2051, weapons technology will have advanced so far that there will be all new ways to terrorize the little whippersnappers who try to mess with me. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the phasers from Star Trek are household items by that time. Those kids better hope they're not wearing a red shirt.

I told you stay off my lawn, you little bastard!

Babies...they make you wanna go "KA-BOOM-DE-AH-DA!!!"

I have a feeling that the people who do commercials for Discovery Channel are going to tune it down with the "Boom-De-Ah-Da" song considering some bat shit crazy environmentalist tried to blow up the network's headquarters a few days ago. I guess he thought they were saying "Ka-Boom-De-Ah-Da".

This guy, James Lee, was later shot to death by police after a standoff that lasted a couple hours. He held several people hostage because he was really pissed about Discovery's lineup and how they weren't doing enough to save the planet. From the sounds of it, he seems to be a pissed off fan of Captain Planet who thought that the power was his...get it? Well, anyway, he didn't like shows such as Deadliest Catch and Cash Cab.

See, maybe if you watched shows like Cash Cab, you'd smile once in a while

He was looking for Discovery to be helping to save the planet but in his mind it was destroying it with shows like I previously mentioned. Well, here's the thing, dumbass, the network is called The Discovery Channel, not the "Save the Planet for Fat Emo Environmentalists Channel". Here's the thing, people like watching shows like Deadliest Catch, Cash Cab, Mythbusters and How's It Made.

They want to DISCOVER new things that they had never known before. We all know that environmentalist pricks like you just want to put panic into people and basically rule the world with an iron fist. Now don't start jumping down my throat, why don't you read the bullshit that would make a Scientologist scream, "Fuck me, you're nutty!"

I know it's lengthy but I'll sum it up for you with three words: HE HATES BABIES!!!!

Even this baby? Yeah. Especially this baby.

He just goes on and on about "disgusting human babies" to the point where it sounds like you're reading the orders of an alien overlord who has taken control of this planet but wants to reduce the chances of a slave uprising by the humans. Can I ask what's so special about baby rats? Or baby squids?

Sorry, dude, but you should adjust your attitude towards the human race like I did towards Justin Beiber. Yeah, like the human race he can be pretty annoying at times, often wasting time doing nothing, and just plain confusing. But the thing is, he's here, nothing I can do to make him leave, might as well live with it. The same goes for humans.

He even goes off on a tangent about illegal immigration and "anchor babies" and how we should get rid of them. This is coming from a man who spent time in prison for smuggling an illegal immigrant into this country. Way to set an example for any pathetic followers you were able to get, dickhead.

So that woman got into the USA, probably settled down, got married and then had kids before Arizona kicked her ass out. Way to go, genius, you contributed to what you were trying to prevent!

I don't get why you're so against babies. Yeah, they don't contribute much in terms of conversation, have trouble holding their crap in, have a tendency to be fussy and can sometimes throw up, causing you to throw up the following night. My landlord's baby did that to me once; I got over it by the time I finished my five minute/five pound weight loss program (Which is a fancy term for vomiting)

I know that this isn't going to do any good for him now that he's dead, but for anyone else out there who worries too much about things out of their control and believes that babies pose a greater threat to this planet than the Klingons, I'll give you a short list of ways you can help decrease the baby population without resorting to violence!

Defeat the babies! The battle will be glorious and bring honour to your house. Qapla!

1) Castration-This might be difficult for some of you crazies out there...especially if you're a woman, but guys, you have to man up for the last time cause the balls have to go. No gonads, no goddamn kids. Remember, let the knife do the work.

2) Arranged Marriage Scam-Where am I going with this? Well, take a look at at the picture I posted earlier of James Lee. Yeah...not nice. Now imagine if that guy scammed you into believing that you two had entered an arranged marriage. Would you want to do it with that guy? No way, you'd rather be taking it from the Klingons. No sex with the man you think is your partner for life, no babies.

3) Go Into a Building Armed With Guns and Explosives Because You Don't Like What You See on TV and Hope the Police Shoot to Kill-It worked for James Lee