Butch

I got a phone call from my dad Sunday morning. It was business as usual (What did you do last night? Who did you do it with?) until he hit me with some pretty sad news.

"The kitty cat passed away last night."

I can only recall my dad calling our family cat, Butch, once and that was in a moment of frustration when he ran out of the house late at night.
The news of his death caught me by surprise because that cat had plenty of close calls in his life and was always knocking on death's door but that was due to his own general stupidity.

We got Butch in the year 2001, around the time of my younger sister's birthday. She picked him out and helped bring him home. I don't remember much about him at that time except he sneezed quite a bit. My dad wasn't impressed with the name Butch; he has this thing about giving animals names that men his age have: Dennis, Louie, Amil and Lyle (He likes that name for Aaron and Katelynn's dog). But Butch he was and it seemed to suit him as a name.

"Meow."

The first problem we had with him was that he was always trying to escape outside the house. And when we first got him he was fast. You'd open the door and he would bolt before you even knew what was happening. Of course we always caught him (We figured out his usual route and blocked off a part of the fence he liked to climb through) but it took a lot of coaxing and sometimes vanilla ice cream or watermelon.

Yeah, Butch liked watermelon. It was strange because we just fed it to him as a bit of a joke but he really liked it. From that moment on whenever he smelt my mom cutting it up he would move towards the counter and stretch his long body and legs to try and grab any bit of it he could. If that didn't work he would give my mom's leg a massage and quickly get a quick slice.

He also ate most of a banana once. My neighbor's grandson fed it to him and we watched as he licked/chewed on it for quite a while. Yet for some reason he wasn't a big fan of peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Whenever he came by and smelt one he would try and bury it.

"Where the watermelon be at?"

Butch was probably the most spoiled cat that didn't belong to a rich family. My younger sister got him into this stupid pattern that whenever he came back inside (We kept him on a harness attached to a leash) he would get a treat. However as time went on, Butch would get his treat and then beg to go outside again only to want to come back in a few minutes later. He wasn't as dumb as we thought.
Also every morning he would get a special breakfast from my mom. She would mix up a little bit of wet cat food with hot water and he thought this was the greatest meal ever. He would sit by the kettle while the water boiled and lick that shit up the the point where he was moving the bowl just with his tongue.
He got this every morning but on the few occasions my mom slept in, he would do his best to get her out of bed. If nuzzling her face didn't work, jumping onto my dad's dresser and knocking over all his medicine bottles would do the trick.

But as much as he liked to eat, he also liked to play. I don't know who started it but whenever I was going up the stairs from the basement, Butch would chase me and swat at my ankles. It's probably not wise to speak ill of the dead, but I think the little kitty bastard was trying to kill me. He knew I was the cute one and that if I was out of the picture, then he'd be the cute one.
So in retaliation I would rough him up a little bit. Have him try and out wrestle my hand and then chase him around the house like I was going to kill him. That cat could run but when he made a leaping jump off the stairs you could hear the impact all throughout the house.

He had a little lamb that he liked to play with. It was about half his size and he fucked it up. Ripped one of it's eyes out and tore some of it's skin. But he also liked to play with other animals. My neighbour's had a bunny rabbit named Blossom and if Butch saw him he went crazy. He'd meow and meow, trying to get the rabbit's attention but Blossom couldn't care less. Every once in a while he would come up to the fence and Butch would just give him a tap on the head, trying to get a reaction. Blossom would just blink and hop away. And I'm pretty sure Butch studied that hop and taught himself how to do it.
He also tried to get the attention of their cat too but Tigger couldn't care less about Butch. Granted I saw Butch give him a tap on the face and Tigger let out a big hiss like he was ready to replace the U in Butch with an I.

"Stop teasing me about my harness, Tigger!"

After I moved out my parents started to let Butch go out on his own, no harness, with the idea that he knew where home was and he knew that he got fed there. There had been some scary nights when he was out for a while but he always came back. Some time last year I was talking to my dad on the phone when all of a sudden he stops the conversation to scream, "Oh, Puss, you're favouring your right paw."
Dad hated the name Butch and would usually call him Puss, Pusser, Puss-Puss and Shithead.
After the injury, they kept him back on the harness for a while. He would like to go out at night and come back in just before going to bed. My dad said that in the last little while that he was sleeping a lot for a cat. It's his idea that Butch knew his time was short.

I like to think that too. I know it sounds stupid but maybe he thought he had a bit more time and decided to go outside for one last little adventure. He was found not too far from our backdoor and he hadn't been gone long because he was still warm. I get the feeling he probably wanted to make it to my parent's bedroom and sleep on his special towel at the end of the bed on my mom's side...but it was too late.

I haven't shed a tear over his passing but that doesn't mean I'm not sad. I'm going to miss not hearing him meow at late hours looking for someone to play with; watching him chase his own tail like a stupid dog or watching him get excited when he sits by the window and chirps at birds he hopes to eat. I'll miss hearing him meow and purr at the same time whenever he gets his special breakfast and those little massages he would give out at the oddest times.

However one thing I won't miss about him was his warped sense of humour in thinking that taking a massive dump on brand new sheets for my bed was a riot. Hadn't even gotten a chance to sleep in them and he's already defiled them with his stench. It was so bad my dad had my sister handle the sheets.

But there were plenty of more good times than bad with Butch and those are the times I'll remember best. I miss my kitty and I always will.

Butch Schweitzer: 2001-December 17, 2011

Don't F@&! With Alex Trebeck

I can remember being four years old and sitting at the TV with my dad while he watched Jeopardy and got almost all of the questions answers correct. I often wondered what it would be like if he were to ever go on the show but thankfully TV provided the answer for me.

Anyway, one thing associated with Jeopardy, aside from the music during the Final Jeopardy segment, was it's host Alex Trebek. Always there with that 'stache of his till about ten years ago, I thought that he was...well, just a little...bland. Never really did anything exciting, not that it was expected of him, however I think the show would have had better ratings if he acted more like he did when filming this commercial. Imagine someone screwing up the Daily Double and Alex tells you the correct response before muttering, "Dumb bastard." That's a great way to get big ratings without using creepy Ken Jennings.

Not gonna lie, Ken. Mormons freak the hell out of me

Well forget all I said in the last paragraph because according to the news, you don't wanna fuck with Alex Trebek...especially when you try to steal from him. Yeah, the dude is 71, his hair is pretty white, not a spring chicken. Still, I'm willing to risk anything to say that Alex Trebek would have kicked this woman's ass! I mean, shit, she's lucky that the dude wasn't even five years younger, he probably could have done some serious damage.

Picture it, it's late, everyone's either sleeping and out partying. You're sneaking through Trebek's apartment, stealing his tailor-made suits, cutting holes in his briefs, thinking how you've dealt him the biggest bruise to his ego since Sean Connery when all of a sudden the door bursts open. There's Trebek, anger in his eyes and vengeance in his words.

"The category is 'Your Life'," he says in the familiar voice that you can recognize almost anywhere. "The answer is: 'A broken arm, a ruptured spleen, several missing teeth, broken ribs and Alex Trebek's shoe stuck firmly in your ass."

While Trebek speaks, all that's going through your mind (Aside from his words) is whether or not Trebek will mind that you've just ruined the floor in the room by pissing your pants all over it. You stumble to explain yourself and beg for mercy but you're cut off.

"The correct response is, 'What injuries will Alex Trebek inflict on me in the next thirty seconds?'"

And then your world goes dark.

Still, even though that's not what happened, this woman is lucky that she got out of this with her life. Trebek could have just run away like a little girl and called for security but instead, he took matters into his own hands. Probably didn't turn out the way he had hoped but the woman was arrested, likely to face prison time and most likely spending the rest of her life thanking God that she was spared the wrath of Alex Trebek.

"Tell that punk Sajak he's next if he doesn't watch his step."

Shocker! Amy Winehouse is Dead!!!

A little over a year ago I wrote a piece about former teen actress and current waste of space, Lindsay Lohan. She had just been sentenced to a light prison sentence where she would be cut off from the booze and drugs but have plenty of access to any lesbian inmate she wanted and I applauded the decision. As I mentioned in that article, addicts piss me off.

And while I've made jokes about another addict in the past, I never wrote a page about her probably because I assumed she would just OD one day and that there was no point. However she kind of hung on and escaping death like my idiot cat, Butch. But the Grim Reaper can't be held off forever and today it seems that Amy Winehouse has done her last line...either in the form of music or cocaine. Take your pick. And yes, no cause of death has been confirmed yet but...come on, use your head.

How I signed my reaction to Amy Winehouse's death (I have a sore throat)

Look, I know that for members of her family, her friends and to fans that this must be a really sad day for them, but come on, it's not like she was making headlines for her singing ability lately. Every other article was about her fucking up a stage show, her entering or leaving rehab or how someone close to her was worried she might not be around too long if she didn't get her act together.

Go on YouTube and type in "Amy Winehouse Drunk" and you'll find that those videos have more views and comments than any video of her where she's actually singing or aware of what month it is. The woman was a wreck, looked like one and moved like one on stage.

Don't believe me? Check out this video and tell me if I'm wrong. Hell, if anything, the title is misleading because it says she "Performs". However, if you go to an Amy Winehouse performance, do you expect to see her sing or walk around the stage like a blind man who's just been hit in the head with a baseball bat and ask band members where she can score some coke?

Wait, this is Amy Winehosue, so chances are that "sing" was the last thing you expected. And if you did, it probably wasn't worth what you paid.

I know I might be a little cold and downright mean with my words right now but one thing I can't get over is that she was just 27. That's just two years older than me. Imagine that, you're in the prime of your life and for the past couple of years all you've done is just self-destruct and piss away everything you ever did or wanted to do? Like with Lohan, I would love to have the adoring fans, the ability to inspire, to have fans waiting for my autograph. And besides, what the hell was so hard about your life that you needed drugs and alcohol to end it?

Look, I enjoy a good drink. At Aaron's bachelor party I was drunk to the point where after I downed a shot of God knows what, I raised my arms and proclaimed, "I AM A MAN!!!" and continued to wolf down a deep fried cheesecake. But I know my limits. I don't do it every night, every week or every month even. In fact, the last time I can remember having anything alcoholic was at Aaron's wedding.

Is it sad that she's dead? Yes, of course. But we shouldn't act surprised by it or any other celebrity who spends more time at the Betty Ford Clinic than doing their job. Honestly, let's just make Robert Downey Jr. a motivational speaker for retarded celebrities who didn't get the message even after South Park put is so plainly for us.

This was the best picture of her I could find of her

As a final note, I would like to say that while Amy Winehouse was indeed a talented singer, it's a shame that the troubles she brought into her personal life overshadowed all the accomplishments she made (and could have made) in her professional life.

It's That Time Again...Who Will Be Next?

I've been back for over two weeks from a very nice vacation where I visited family, reconnected with old friends, got drunk with said friends (PS: Those of you near Papa Cheney's in downtown Windsor should really try the deep fried cheesecake. It's great when you're drunk) and perhaps most importantly, watched Aaron and Katelynn finally tie the knot. I had a great time, put on some weight and came back looking refreshed. Everyone kept telling me how much better I looked. If life were a commercial, this would be the part where a narrator tells everyone that I asked my doctor about Viagra.

However enough about that, this is about me. That's right, the time of untimely death (My birthday) is approaching once again. While no one has perished early like Gary Coleman last year, I've done some looking and found that a lot of famous people have died on my birthday. Holy crap, is June 25th just some date where the Grim Reaper goes on a free for all and touches as many people as he can? Well, we'll find out as we go through the list again.

What dark powers lay dormant in this innocent child?

1) Pope Cornelius (253)-Yeah, we're starting this back over fifteen hundred years ago. I had no idea my powers extended this far, but let's take a look at this man named after an ape. Well, it's a lot of boring history here and that's coming from someone who is a big history buff. But it seems that Cornelius was elected during a time where Christians were being persecuted and this really pissed off his buddy, Novatian.
There's probably a lot more interesting stuff that happened but let me tell you that Cornelius was exiled and later died. Moving on. This is not the Cornelius I was talking about!

2) Hatano Hideharu (1579)-Oh this is more like it. We've gone from boring old monkey popes to kick-ass Japanese warlords/samurais! He was pretty stubborn and apparently after offending another warlord and decided to surrender with dignity...only after the offended warlord offered to use his own mother as Hatano's hostage.
Hatano went and apologized and was promptly executed. After that the Hatano clan vanished and was never heard from again. "Oh hai."

3) George Armstrong Custer (1876)-OK, now we're getting into the big leagues. We've gone from boring popes, to samurai who try to pull of wearing purple to one of the most infamous soldiers in history. Believe it or not, he actually graduated last in his class at West Point but that doesn't mean...who am I kidding? It does kinda foreshadow his disastrous Battle of Little Bighorn, more commonly referred to as Custer's last stand. According to Wikipedia, he was heard shouting, "Hurrah boys, we've got them! We'll finish them up and then head back home to our station."

A few minutes later, he was killed along with two of his brothers as well as his brother-in-law. Sucked to be a Custer that day.

"Hey, we were winning! I just got caught with a lucky shot."

I'm not very good with predictions but if I had to make a guess at who would die on my birthday this year, it would be Zsa Zsa Gabor. She's been knocking on death's door for a while and given the way her husband acts, this is exactly the opportunity to launch a new reality show called, Prince Asshat is Really Old and Single.

I have a lot of different thoughts about turning 25. That's a quarter of a century. That's the same amount of time that passed from the first episode of the original Star Trek to their final movie together. I'll be closer to fifty than zero. But I'm not exactly the kind of person who will be crying in front of a birthday cake, wailing about bullshit because I've got good health, six-pack abs, a good amount of money saved up and for the most part, my youth. You're only as old as you feel.

Goodbye

Well, I had hoped that I would be doing this blog for a few more years but it seems like that isn't in my future...or anyone's since the world is going to end tomorrow.

So yeah, here I am, pissing away the last couple of hours instead of just getting piss drunk like the rest of the world probably is. Instead, let me give you a quick list of things that I hoped to have gotten done if it weren't for this coming doom.

1) Interview Gordon Ramsay-The dude is just so interesting and whether he gives an interviews that's straight up for laughs where he calls everyone a donkey and calls their bad cooking shit or being very serious talking about his rough upbringing and surviving the toughest kitchens in Paris you know that it's an interview where you'll be hooked on every word.

2) Finish My Top 10 Movies List-Yeah, I'm a lazy bastard, no getting away from that. I'd give you a sneak preview, but I think I'll have plenty of time to finish it when I'm in Hel-I mean...Heaven. Yes...Heaven. However I'll let you know that I've recently added The French Connection to the list.

3) Write a Good Episode of Glee-Take the time to laugh but hear me out. There would be musical numbers, but they'd all be incomplete due to somebody interrupting them. That way, no one would hear the finish product and be in a bigger hurry to buy the songs when they're released on iTunes. I have no idea what in the hell the plot would be but I think I'd call the episode, "The Sound of Music". I like irony.

4) See a big fight in Vegas-Aaron and I mentioned going back to Vegas one day and hopefully catching a big fight. Now whether it be boxing or UFC, it wouldn't really matter to me.

5) Get something published-I've got story ideas stored away all over the place. Some of them might have made a good book. Maybe even good enough to get sales into the triple digits

Well, I could go on for days but since we have less than one left, thanks for reading. See you...out there.

Rot in Hell, OBL

I remember being fifteen years old when 9/11 happened. Up until then, I had always been waiting for the "Where Were You?" moment for my generation. My dad's generation had the Kennedy assassinations, Watergate, the attempted assassination of Reagan and the Challenger explosion. The closest that people my age ever got to that sort of moment was the Clinton sex scandal but that wasn't one of those moments that made you stop dead in your tracks. 9/11 was what got me interested in American politics and journalism.

Now you may find this hard to believe, but when I watched the crumbling towers on that unforgettable Tuesday morning, I knew for sure that it was the work of Osama bin Laden. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, you're full of shit" but the truth was that I did. I had read and watched reports of his previous terrorist attacks in Kenya and on the USS Cole so it just made sense.

This always just confused the shit out of me

I personally thought that bin Laden would always escape capture and/or assassination. I also thought it was a bit strange that the FBI had him on their Ten Most Wanted List. I mean, do you really expect the world's most wanted terrorist to be hiding out in Akron, Ohio? So you can imagine my surprise when I came home around nine o'clock last night with my Burger King to see M'Lord watching the TV and telling me the news.

M'Lord: Hey, dude. D'you hear the news?

SchweitzerMan: What news?

M'Lord: Osama bin Laden's been killed.

SchweitzerMan: What? Holy _______ _____!!!

That kept me up later than I thought I would be, constantly watching news reports and reading updated websites.

There's a lot of debate going on right now in the White House whether they should release photos of his body. I personally don't see any reason why they shouldn't and I'm surprised that it hasn't been leaked already. Hell, just Google "Osama dead" and you'll probably find a good photoshop job that'll fool you for a few minutes until you look closely at it.

What I find most amusing about this situation is that President Obama decided to make the announcement about Osama's assassination in the middle of Celebrity Apprentice. The dude's gotta feel pretty good that he can rub this in his face and make Trump look like an even bigger jackass.

Now Trump is demanding that Obama release bin Laden's death certificate

Randy Quaid Hoping to Outlive Career

It's easy to get hooked into conspiracies. Back in high school I was convinced that there had been one to kill JFK. These days, I'm not too sure about it but then again it's been a long time since I've looked at any of the material. One conspiracy theory I don't (notice the emphasis) believe in is that 9/11 was orchestrated by Bush so that he could invade Iraq.

I always found several problems with this theory:
1) So every other day of the year, Bush is some idiot who couldn't find America on a map but in the days before 9/11, he was planning this masterpiece of terrorism and deception that would make Dr. Doom weep with envy?

2) Why wouldn't he just put FAKE WMD's in Iraq that way if they didn't find any (Which is what happened), they could just plant one and say, "Hey look what we found! Justification!"

He's jealous because he had the exact same plan...except he was going to do it on September 12th

Anyway, I'm getting off track with what I really wanted to talk about. Recently there's been a lot of news about actor Randy Quaid and his wife fleeing to Canada because of legal trouble. Yeah, yeah, I must be bored if all I can write about in three weeks is Randy F'n Quaid.

For those of you who don't know, Randy Quaid is an American character actor. He worked for just one year on Saturday Night Live and appeared as Cousin Eddie in the National Lampoon Vacation movies. The fact that the man could tolerate working with Chevy Chase so many times is a testament to his willpower.

Well it seems that lately he and his wife have been getting into some legal trouble. They were arrested last year for defrauding an innkeeper and faced charges of living in a house without permission.

OK, fraud is a hard charge to beat but living in a house without permission? Shit, I've been doing that for the past 11 months and M'Lord and M'Lady still haven't made any legal action to have me removed. You got to know how to sweet-talk people, Randy. It helps if you give them lemonade mixed with ecstasy; it worked for me.

I've been told that ecstasy really brings out the lemon flavour

The Quaids were supposed to appear in court but instead the couple decided to flee to Canada. Oh, dear. Looks like Randy and his wife took the lemonade themselves; now they think that it's the late 1960's and that the court is actually Vietnam.

Well less than ten days ago the couple were arrested in Vancouver for violation of the Canadian Immigration and Refugee Protection Act. Apparently the couple are seeking refugee status because they fear that their lives are in danger. They cite the deaths of celebrity friends like David Carradine and Heath Ledger as evidence of a Hollywood Whacker who is targeting them.

Several problems with this Randy. First off, David Carradine died of autoerotic asphyxiation (Say that five times fast), something that two of his ex-wives confirmed was something that he practiced.

Second, you're Randy f'n Quaid. Name me two movies you've been in over the past five years and we'll see. Now granted, Carradine's death came after Kill Bill came out but he still had name recognition and was still acting. Heath Ledger died just after finishing The Dark Knight and was reported to have trouble sleeping which is why he was on medication.

And also, what does this Hollywood Hit-team gain from your death? Oh no, we won't get to see some shitty National Lampoon direct to DVD movie that you might have a ten minute cameo in?

Smile why don't ya?

Babies...they make you wanna go "KA-BOOM-DE-AH-DA!!!"

I have a feeling that the people who do commercials for Discovery Channel are going to tune it down with the "Boom-De-Ah-Da" song considering some bat shit crazy environmentalist tried to blow up the network's headquarters a few days ago. I guess he thought they were saying "Ka-Boom-De-Ah-Da".

This guy, James Lee, was later shot to death by police after a standoff that lasted a couple hours. He held several people hostage because he was really pissed about Discovery's lineup and how they weren't doing enough to save the planet. From the sounds of it, he seems to be a pissed off fan of Captain Planet who thought that the power was his...get it? Well, anyway, he didn't like shows such as Deadliest Catch and Cash Cab.

See, maybe if you watched shows like Cash Cab, you'd smile once in a while

He was looking for Discovery to be helping to save the planet but in his mind it was destroying it with shows like I previously mentioned. Well, here's the thing, dumbass, the network is called The Discovery Channel, not the "Save the Planet for Fat Emo Environmentalists Channel". Here's the thing, people like watching shows like Deadliest Catch, Cash Cab, Mythbusters and How's It Made.

They want to DISCOVER new things that they had never known before. We all know that environmentalist pricks like you just want to put panic into people and basically rule the world with an iron fist. Now don't start jumping down my throat, why don't you read the bullshit that would make a Scientologist scream, "Fuck me, you're nutty!"

I know it's lengthy but I'll sum it up for you with three words: HE HATES BABIES!!!!

Even this baby? Yeah. Especially this baby.

He just goes on and on about "disgusting human babies" to the point where it sounds like you're reading the orders of an alien overlord who has taken control of this planet but wants to reduce the chances of a slave uprising by the humans. Can I ask what's so special about baby rats? Or baby squids?

Sorry, dude, but you should adjust your attitude towards the human race like I did towards Justin Beiber. Yeah, like the human race he can be pretty annoying at times, often wasting time doing nothing, and just plain confusing. But the thing is, he's here, nothing I can do to make him leave, might as well live with it. The same goes for humans.

He even goes off on a tangent about illegal immigration and "anchor babies" and how we should get rid of them. This is coming from a man who spent time in prison for smuggling an illegal immigrant into this country. Way to set an example for any pathetic followers you were able to get, dickhead.

So that woman got into the USA, probably settled down, got married and then had kids before Arizona kicked her ass out. Way to go, genius, you contributed to what you were trying to prevent!

I don't get why you're so against babies. Yeah, they don't contribute much in terms of conversation, have trouble holding their crap in, have a tendency to be fussy and can sometimes throw up, causing you to throw up the following night. My landlord's baby did that to me once; I got over it by the time I finished my five minute/five pound weight loss program (Which is a fancy term for vomiting)

I know that this isn't going to do any good for him now that he's dead, but for anyone else out there who worries too much about things out of their control and believes that babies pose a greater threat to this planet than the Klingons, I'll give you a short list of ways you can help decrease the baby population without resorting to violence!

Defeat the babies! The battle will be glorious and bring honour to your house. Qapla!

1) Castration-This might be difficult for some of you crazies out there...especially if you're a woman, but guys, you have to man up for the last time cause the balls have to go. No gonads, no goddamn kids. Remember, let the knife do the work.

2) Arranged Marriage Scam-Where am I going with this? Well, take a look at at the picture I posted earlier of James Lee. Yeah...not nice. Now imagine if that guy scammed you into believing that you two had entered an arranged marriage. Would you want to do it with that guy? No way, you'd rather be taking it from the Klingons. No sex with the man you think is your partner for life, no babies.

3) Go Into a Building Armed With Guns and Explosives Because You Don't Like What You See on TV and Hope the Police Shoot to Kill-It worked for James Lee

Her Misery Equals My Satisfaction

Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan was known for having a movie career and not for wild drinking binges and dating a bull-dyke DJ for a while. It's too bad because Lohan did had potential. Mean Girls was a good movie but other than that, what good or even barely watchable movie has Lindsay Lohan made in the past six years?

Get it? The movie is called "Herbie: FULLY LOADED" and she's an alcoholic. This stuff just writes itself sometimes

It pissed me off that a star with such potential was blowing it all away with drugs and DUIs considering how around that time nothing would have made me happier than to be an actor in Hollywood. But since that never happened for me, I have to settle for the next best thing which is mocking the ones who were lucky enough to make it big only to fuck it up with their own stupidity.

So yeah, after Mean Girls and a few gigs hosting SNL it suddenly seemed that the only reason she was making headlines was because people wanted to know if she was possibly going to rehab or going to go down on Wilmer Valderamma.

"Hi, has anyone seen my career? I lost it ever since That 70's Show went off the air."

And it just went downhill from there. She wasn't making any good movies, her own family was saying that she was out of control (That's like the Manson family saying that Squeaky might be losing it) and that she was just going through a phase with her new girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Her partying was holding up production of her films and at one point a pissed off studio executive publicly released a letter to Lohan where he criticized her work ethic and flat out stated that everyone knows that her so-called "exhaustion" was because she had been up the previous night drinking.

So beyond that, various stints in rehab followed by being busted for driving drunk and possession of cocaine it made me and a few other people scratch our heads and say, "Why the fuck are you famous?" It seemed that Lohan wanted to have a career similar to Robert Downey Jr...except the Robert Downey Jr from 10 years ago, not the one who made a remarkable comeback which totally made us forget about his sordid past.

Lohan later insisted she was doing research for her next movie which would be titled "The Lindsay Lohan Story".

As I mentioned before, her behaviour pissed me off because I wished that I was in the position that she was in. Just to make it clear, I'm referring to her having a career in Hollywood, not having a record for projectile vomit...which is also her career in Hollywood. Anyway, where it used to make me mad, it makes me laugh and cheer whenever I hear that this dumb bitch has gotten herself waist deep in shit.

Addicts piss me off. That's not to say that I don't have sympathy for them because if you're willing to get better and put in an honest to god effort, then I applaud you and hope that your life gets better with each passing day. But those like Lohan who constantly appear in court, beg for one more chance and say how they want to get their life back on track only to go back to the clubs after their get out of court, fuck 'em.

So, Lindsay, being the dummy that she is, decided that she would go to the Cannes Film Festival just a few days before a very important court appearance which could affect her freedom. Naturally, Lindsay is an idiot and somehow "lost" her passport. My theory on what happened to it? She got so drunk and high on a mixture of cocaine and Mr. Clean that she ate it. I've heard that Mr. Clean gives you the munchies.

Hey, aren't you the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation?

So Lindsay came back home, got scolded by a judge who had to put her vacation on hold to sentence Lindsay's dumb bleach-blond ass and told to wear a bracelet that would monitor whether she was drinking or getting high as well as go to alcohol counselling.

Naturally it should come to no surprise that Lohan's bracelet went off one night while she was at a bar. But, gasp!, Lindsay claims that it went off only because alcohol was spilt on the device. Well, I'm sure that after downing enough shots that would put my younger sister in the hospital, Lindsay was bound to lose her balance a bit and spill some on herself.

But today has to be the crown jewel in her career. Facing the same judge she pissed off from before by fucking up her vacation, Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in jail. And the funny thing is, it was for missing her alcohol counselling. I mean, come on, Lindsay, you couldn't just fake it through the counselling and try your hardest to stay awake during the sessions?

I think I've watched that video more than five times by now. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I love more than to see someone get what's coming to them. But I have no idea why she's crying? Prison's not so bad for a girl like her, hasn't she ever watched an episode of OZ? You can get drugs easily and find other lesbians to party with. Wipe your tears, this is a vacation for you.

"Does prison have an open bar?"

Personally, I think if she serves the 90 days, she might come out a better person. I was one of the many lobbying for capital punishment against Paris Hilton but it seems that after her stint in the slammer she seemed to have straightened out her act. But if I were a betting man, I'd say Lindsay tries to hang herself in her cell after realizing that after jail, she'll be expected to go to rehab.

Gary Coleman Ruined My Birthday!!!

I have a birthday coming up later next month and one thing that has usually happened on or around my birthday is the random death of a celebrity. It's not like in the late Dennis Hopper's case where he's been near death for the past two months but rather a death that just sneaks up out of nowhere and makes you say, "No shit!"

Keep in mind this hasn't happened every year but still, in the past couple of years, on the anniversary of my near divine birth, someone has had to go. This adds to the theory that I am the Grim Reaper and just don't know it yet...

Anyway, let's look back and see who died a few years after I was born

The face of death?


1) Some soldiers in Korea (1950)-Yeah, believe it or not, 36 years before the legend of Schweitzer-Man began, the Korean War started and wouldn't end for another three years. Even worse was that this war wasn't as fun as the series M*A*S*H made it out to be. Another reason to hate Alan Alda.


2) Jacques Cousteau-I was 11 when he died. Didn't know anything about him other than the fact that I thought he was already dead and anything I heard about him was from an episode of Pinky and the Brain. He liked the water, reported to have had The Little Mermaid atop his list of favourite movies...moving on.

Even near the end of his life, Jacques Cousteau loved to play with his action figures


3) Chris Benoit and family (2007)-I used to watch wrestling from time to time but after a while there seemed to be more action backstage in the shitty story lines than in the wrestling ring. However one of my favourite wrestlers was Chris Benoit. He was Canadian, kicked ass and at the time seemed to be a good guy.


Naturally I was shocked as hell when it was reported that he and his family had been found "murdered" in their home. I was just about to start a midnight shift at 7-Eleven when I caught the news and was just floored. It wasn't until days later that we found out the awful truth about what really happened.



4) Farrah Fawcett (2009)- I never heard a lot about her when she was alive. Her prime was in the 70's; way before my time. She was one of those celebrities who was on her last leg for quite a while health wise so for us it was only a matter of time before this Charlie's Angel became a real one. To be honest, I don't really see what the appeal was. Yeah, she had a poster of her in a bathing suit. Has anyone looked at her face in that? She looks like she's high or about to turn into a bloodthirsty zombie. Her death, while tragic, was obscured by another death that happened that day

Looks like it was cold when they took this picture

5) Michael Jackson (2009)-OK, yeah, the guy had been a punchline for the past 10 years but he still had the fans out in masses for his never-to-be comeback tour. But then he had to go and die and then hold the 24-hour news media hostage with constant speculation on whether he was broke, had money, gay, straight, a pervert, black, white, murdered, faked death, going to do a comeback tour as a zombie, Latoya Jackson (Why did you never see them together...kinda like Clark Kent and Superman) etc etc.
Personally, while Thriller is a cool song, I just never got the music video at all and personally think that Smooth Criminal is a much better video.

"Now where can I find Zombie Macauly Culkin?"

Now you're probably wondering how the hell Gary Coleman managed to ruin my birthday. Well, the thing is, he happened to die almost a full month before my birthday. Gary Coleman would have been the perfect choice: He was obscure, going slightly crazy and it's probably going to get him more attention than any shitty episode of Diff'rent Strokes ever did...not that he's not getting that now.

I'm sorry if I sound rather cruel and inhumane but this totally screws up any anticipation I had towards my birthday. There's no way some other random celebrity death is going to occur between now and the 25th? I mean, granted, Todd Bridges could slip on a banana peel and break his neck. Hey, whatever happened to that kid who played Sam in the final seasons of the show?

Before becoming the world's greatest salesman, Billy Mays was famous for kidnapping and threatening untalented ginger actors.
Seriously, though, watch the episode "Sam's Kidnapping" on YouTube, that's some weird shit right there for a sitcom