Aliens

Like most people, if I think about something long enough it'll usually end up in my dreams. Last month I all of a sudden got on some big kick about Alien and it's sequel Aliens. While babysitting Lyle for Aaron and Katelynn that same month I was excited to come home and find that Alien would be on one of their channels. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the channel it would be airing on was unavailable on their cable package. Yeah, one of my favourite movies of all time was unavailable but thank God Katelynn had subscribed to the Oprah Winfrey Network so I could watch The Gayle King Show.

But yeah, I would have dreams that the Aliens (or Xenomorphs as they are commonly called) were attacking and I was usually caught in the middle. One dream they didn't even show up. There was some crisis on Earth, a massive Xenomorph infestation. Economies were in worse shape then they are today (I recall telling a person in the dream that the money he had would soon be worthless) and most people were armed just in case something came popping out of someone's chest.

I always thought this is what happened when you drank the water in Mexico...

The second dream was a lot more brief. All I knew was that I was in some sort of facility, working on a computer and all of a sudden there are a bunch of Xenomorphs in the room. While a normal human being would be pretty boned by the situation, I somehow managed to make it out and to a car where I promptly realized that the entire human race was pretty much screwed.

Two nights ago there was a non-alien related dream...though it was a bit related to a scene in Alien. I imagined I was in the crawlspaces of a massive spaceship. Every time I stopped moving, the shafts would start moving around, changing directions; almost like I was navigating a Rubik's cube that would change every few seconds.

The weird thing is that for some reason this dream has me wanting to watch Blade Runner for the first time in probably 10 years.

Simpsons Did It Last Week, Seth!!!

When I was a little kid, my parents were prudes and therefore, sucked at times. I remember being 10 years old and both of them denying me to watch The Simpsons. These days I do my best to prevent children from watching The Simpsons but that's for entirely different reasons which should be obvious to everyone.

However imagine my shock and amazement in 1999 when there was no objection to us watching Family Guy. Maybe my dad was starting to develop a sense of humour, maybe he was attracted by the  main character who may or may not remind others of him, who knows? But we used to watch it together and laugh...until it got cancelled.

What is the most commonly used phrase at the FOX network?

I was excited when it came back. However that excitement quickly faded when I saw that the episodes were...not bad (Not yet, anyway) but underwhelming. They just seemed focused on dragging scenes on and on with boring dialogue, repetitive jokes that didn't go anywhere and musical numbers that made it obvious the writers were putting little effort into what they were doing.

I haven't watched any episodes within the last two years because I got tired of the same jokes over and over and Seth MacFarlane singing. To me, it looked like they were going to keep milking this cow for as long as they could like The Simpsons did and he would do the same with American Dad and The Cleavland Show. It's not like a lot of creative process was going into the making of those shows anyway.

Do I need to go on?

So you can imagine my shock when I read this week that Seth MacFarlane was thinking about ending Family Guy. Now, this might have a lot of fanboys turning white with fear but I don't think you have anything to fear. Look, if he wants it to end, then he would have ended it. Don't be dumb like Larry King and think Seinfeld was cancelled; it went off the air because Jerry Seinfeld felt he had done enough and because he didn't want to do any more episodes.

So what's holding you back, Seth? Surely you read Internet message boards (Probably not) but even you have to know that the quality of the show has dropped big time. Talk to any fan and they'll most likely say that the stuff from the first three season were the best the show ever did.

Look, Seth, I know that people have accused you in the past of copying from The Simpsons but you're doing that right now. For the past two weeks there was all this talk about The Simpsons cast having to take a pay cut and whether it might mean the end of the show or not. Though given how often the show is on so much in syndication, they must be making royalties off of that (Occupy Evergreen Terrace, anyone?) and given how the show is shit these days, the pay cut is well deserved.

And all this talk about you wanting to bring back Star Trek to TV? Look, I already went into great detail about this on the last podcast I did for The Basement Vagrants, it's probably going to be a long time before we see Star Trek on TV and even then there's no guarantee it will succeed. Besides, you're already concerned with bringing The Flintstones back to TV (Cuz the 18-24 male demographic was begging for that) so just leave the 24th century alone.

And there might be some people who say, "Hey, he's a Trek fan and he also guest starred on episodes of Star Trek! Why not him?"

My response:

A) So what if he was a guest star on an episode? William Shatner was the star of the franchise and yet we still got the cosmic turd known as Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. And yeah, I know about the difficulties involved in making that film. I don't give a shit.

B) He was a guest star on an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise. And that's all I will say about that

In conclusion, I don't believe Seth when he says stuff like this. If he wanted to end it, he would have ended it or announced that this would be the last season. I personally think he's just making this up in a pathetic attempt to draw ratings. But if you are sincere in your claims, do it sooner than later.

What is the favourite activity of FOX animation writers?

Beware of Beware The Batman

I hate repeating myself but as most of you have gathered from my review of the graphic novel Batman: Year One, I'm a huge fan of the Caped Crusader. Hell, I can remember the first time I watched Batman: The Animated Series when I was a kid. It was an awesome series and set the standard for other superhero cartoons.

They tried to make other Batman cartoons after the DCAU (DC Animated Universe) came to an end when Justice League: Unlimited (A spin-off of Batman: TAS) aired it's finale in 2006. Warner Bros. animation started before that and aired a new series simply called The Batman in 2004. I watched a few episodes of it because I am an immature little man wanted to see what they would do that the first series hadn't done before. Giving the Joker dreadlocks was not one of the great decisions. I mean, if you want to give the Joker a new direction, dreadlocks are not the answer.

This picture pretty much speaks for itself

Some of the latest cartoon superhero shows have been pretty good. I've been watching Young Justice and that's a really cool show. I've always wanted to check out Batman: The Brave and the Bold but something about it just keeps me away. Maybe because I'm older, I want something a little darker and more character driven out of my superheroes and there's nothing like that for Batman. At least not yet. Cartoon Network recently announced that they would be launching a new series in two years with an interesting title, Beware the Batman.

Cool, maybe a different origin story like The Batman was but didn't succeed at. Darker incarnations of The Joker, Riddler, Two-Face with amazing animation and...

...What the Bat-fuck?

Look, I'm all for the evolution of animation but...CG animated Batman is not the way to go. My friend Aaron is a fan of the Green Lantern. I personally have no interest because his weakness is the colour yellow. So yeah, piss on him and he's useless. But when I heard that there was going to be a Green Lantern cartoon series, I thought it would be interesting to check out.

What turned me off from it right away was that it was CG animated. I'm sorry, when everything looks like something you'd see on a TV show for babies, it's not going to attract me as a viewer. The same goes for this.

And plus...is that a guy wearing a pig mask? I'll admit, I'm doing my best to follow DC's New 52 universe with some difficulty but is Batman fighting a man in a pig mask now? Plus I think that's a frog or just a messed up version of Killer Croc beside the pig. And...who's the chick with white hair? Wasn't she in Monsters vs Aliens?

Kinda looks like her...make her eyes darker and that's it

However if there's one thing that absolutely disgusts me about this, it's Alfred. You're probably thinking, "Gee, Schweitzer-Man, got something against the English?" Normally, no, but in this case, Alfred is what's going to ruin the show. You don't even have to be a huge Batman fan to know who Alfred is. The old guy, loyal butler to the Wayne family, always tidying up Wayne Manor, creating an alibi for his boss and tending to any wounds got on the battlefield.

So why in the hell did the creators of the show decide that they would make Alfred be wielding guns to help Batman fight crime. Now, let's look at this logically: Batman, who's own parents were murdered after being shot by a petty criminal, thinks that the best way to fight crime is to have a senior citizen going around and SHOOTING THE BAD GUYS WITH GUNS!? And those look like real guns. Most kids shows today just have the bad guys shooting laser weapons of some kind but those look like bullets coming out of Alfred's gun. That's just what Gotham needs; a near senile butler going around shooting people he thinks are criminals because they don't know where he can find Gold Bond at 2:30 in the morning.

"Do you want me to put a cap in your ass?"

I'd go into his sidekick not being Robin but instead some chick with a sword but I'm not going to. To sum it up, this looks like one big pile of Bat-crap. Let's just hope they don't get Frank Miller to write a few episodes.

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense Part III

Last month was a good month for the blog considering it got the most traffic since July of last year. It seems that a lot of people really like the Star Wars posts I do, so I thought I would do a third edition of things that don't make sense in Star Wars. This is partially inspired by clips of a RiffTrax I saw, making fun of Episode III that and I don't want to take a long time getting my next post out.

...I never had a bad thing to say about this franchise

1. Hey, Let's Fly Near the Bad Guys-Near the end of Empire Strikes Back, Leia, Luke, Chewie, Lando and the droids have escaped Cloud City in the Millennium Falcon and are being pursued by the Empire. Leia goes into the cockpit and points out to Lando and Chewie that there is a Star Destroyer close by. So naturally they decide to get the hell out by jumping to lightspeed.

But it turns out the Empire was two steps ahead of them and deactivated the hyperdrive before they left. Thus, no lightspeed. So while Chewie tries to fix things, Lando decides that the best place to take the Falcon is right next to the Star Destroyer. And I'm not kidding. There's a shot where the ship is about maybe two meters from hitting the Star Destroyer. Lando, you do know that the Empire wanted Leia, Chewie and Luke as prisoners and now that you've escaped and have no means of escape, you're probably going to want to keep a least a lightyear away from anything Imperial. And to think the Rebel Alliance makes this man a general someday.

Do not want!!!

2. Bring balance to the Force?-All throughout the prequel series, we kept hearing about how Anikan was supposed to be the "chosen one" and bring balance to the Force. But was it ever explained what the hell that meant?

They also said that it was part of the prophecy. OK, what prophecy? Who made it? How was it going to come about? You know, George, you could have done yourself some favours by secretly watching a few episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. Whenever some prophecy was to come about, they explained who made the prophecy, who it involved, what was to happen right then and there. It didn't leave you guessing for a whole season and then never explain it.

Are you sure it wasn't 'bring blandness to the Force'?

3. Yeah, Obi-Wan and Yoda Were Full of Shit-Remember how in ESB Luke leaves Dagobah to rescue Han, Chewie and Leia from Darth Vader in Cloud City despite the fact that Yoda and Obi-Wan are insisting he complete the training. It's pretty clear they're making it sound like Luke is a boxer with just a few amateur fights who wants to fight Manny Pacquiao.

And they were right. Vader clearly outclassed Luke and eventually chopped off his hand. So it's clear that he needs more training. But first he rescues Han from Jabba in in Return of the Jedi. Once he gets to Dagobah he finds that Yoda is dying but he knows that he needs his help to finish the training. But then Yoda says, "No more training do you need."

Now I don't know what kind of training Luke was doing between movies; for all I know he picked up a copy of How to be a Jedi Knight in Just 16 Weeks by Kit Fisto. But either in the last movie or right now, it's clear that Yoda is full of shit. Last time he was almost on the verge of tears, pleading with Luke, "No, go you must not! More training montages we must complete!!!" But when he comes back he just brushes the training aside. "No better will you get now. Downhill from here your skills shall go."

So there really was no need to stay was there? I mean, yeah, Luke could have honed his skills a little bit but...it probably didn't make that much of a difference.

Kit Fisto, the only Jedi with a name that sounds like a foreign sex move

4. How to Train Your Jedi- And I'm sorry, what the hell was involved in Luke's training that got him up to speed in just a few days? Granted, we don't know how much time he spent with Yoda but...it sure wasn't a long time. Jedi training takes years of practice.

Look at Phantom Menace when the Jedi council believes Anakin is too old to begin training. Hell, Obi-Wan was probably in his twenties and still just a padawan. Even in Attack of the Clones we see kids who look like they should be in preschool already practising with lightsabers. Which probably makes the Jedi Council look like they have the same ability to safely raise a child as Casey Anthony.

Yeah, let's put the five year olds within arms length and have them swing giant laser swords which can maim or sever limbs.

Retire Ronald? Kiss My Ass

I was thankful enough to grow up with a mom who knew how to cook really well and there were times when my dad could even surprise us with his culinary talents. However, one thing that was always a great treat when me and my sisters were kids was Burger King or McDonalds.

Of course I've wised up over the years and now only eat at Burger King which is the polar opposite of M'Lord, who only eats at McDonalds and despises Burger King. However, if there's one thing I think about when I hear the name "McDonalds" (Other than "Why does this Big Mac look so small?") is their mascot, Ronald McDonald.

OK, this does look a little creepy

The dude was in every commercial you saw, showing off the same Happy Meal package-burger, fries and soft drink-and the special toy for the week you got when you bought a Happy Meal. Hell, sometimes the commercials usually had these weird story lines that would go one for four months. I tried to find clips from YouTube but was unsuccessful. And yeah, again, I remember story lines from a fast food chain's commercials better than I remember high school math. Memory can be a bitch like that sometimes.

What's also a bitch is when morons try to put the blame on someone else for their own problems. Especially if that someone happens to be Ronald McDonald. I can understand people being concerned about the health of young children with the rates of childhood obesity going up, but comparing McDonalds to the tobacco and alcohol industry? Excuse me, while I might joke about there being rat poison in McDonalds hamburgers, I can say that I know that's true unlike cigarettes.

I hope they didn't pay that artist a lot of money

Look, when I was a little kid, the reason I liked McDonalds and Burger King wasn't because they had a clown or some stupid Kids Club were offering it like the junkie who hangs around the local 7-Eleven. I wanted it because it tasted good and it wasn't something we got all the time, you idiots!

What a lot of people seem to forget, especially parents, is that parents can say "No" to their children if they ask for Burger King or McDonalds. I know my parents did loads of times no matter how much us kids begged. You're the parent. Be blunt. Tell them to stop crying or you'll really give them something to cry about. Send them to bed until they stop crying and you'll only give them what you cook them if they stop crying.

Or be more blunt. Just say, "No, you can't have Burger King this week, you lazy, man booby fat ass because you weigh as much as a horse!" And while this may not be the best way to talk to a seven year old, some of these parents should know that constantly feeding their children fast food because they're too retarded to cook something on their own, isn't the best thing for your man-booby fat ass kid.

Yeah, this is clearly the work of evil mastermind, Ronald McDonald.

And I'm not saying getting fast food or take out on a weekly basis is a bad thing. Every week I go down to Burger King, get either a Whopper or Double Whopper, no onions, some bacon, large fries, large chocolate shake. Mmm, mmm, that's good eatin'. And when I was living at home every Friday was pizza night. But the thing is, I exercise quite a bit and can afford to put on weight considering fat ass in the picture above probably weighs twice as much as me.

Look, I can understand people wanting to McDonalds to offer healthier alternatives but at the same time, parents should at least be aware of what their children are putting in their mouths (Sounds kinda gross). And if you're kid is starting to look a little plump or ready to have a heart attack at the age of 11, get them exercising. That and learn to say no to them. You're the parent for Christ sake, you should know that you have control.

Plus, if you're going to jump on this bandwagon of Retire Ronald, just stop. Have you heard of Ronald McDonald Houses? What the hell are we supposed to call them if you retire Ronald? Besides, he's an advertisement tool, he's meant to draw people in. It's kinda the reason why more people prefer Frosted Flakes over Grape Nuts.
That and the fact the name of Grape Nuts is a lie where Frosted Flakes is exactly what you get.

How bout you try to meet a common ground with McDonalds? Ask them to make a character who is in good shape, promotes healthy eating habit and warns about the dangerous consequences of not, and can appeal to adults too.

"Why so obese?"

Goodbye

Well, I had hoped that I would be doing this blog for a few more years but it seems like that isn't in my future...or anyone's since the world is going to end tomorrow.

So yeah, here I am, pissing away the last couple of hours instead of just getting piss drunk like the rest of the world probably is. Instead, let me give you a quick list of things that I hoped to have gotten done if it weren't for this coming doom.

1) Interview Gordon Ramsay-The dude is just so interesting and whether he gives an interviews that's straight up for laughs where he calls everyone a donkey and calls their bad cooking shit or being very serious talking about his rough upbringing and surviving the toughest kitchens in Paris you know that it's an interview where you'll be hooked on every word.

2) Finish My Top 10 Movies List-Yeah, I'm a lazy bastard, no getting away from that. I'd give you a sneak preview, but I think I'll have plenty of time to finish it when I'm in Hel-I mean...Heaven. Yes...Heaven. However I'll let you know that I've recently added The French Connection to the list.

3) Write a Good Episode of Glee-Take the time to laugh but hear me out. There would be musical numbers, but they'd all be incomplete due to somebody interrupting them. That way, no one would hear the finish product and be in a bigger hurry to buy the songs when they're released on iTunes. I have no idea what in the hell the plot would be but I think I'd call the episode, "The Sound of Music". I like irony.

4) See a big fight in Vegas-Aaron and I mentioned going back to Vegas one day and hopefully catching a big fight. Now whether it be boxing or UFC, it wouldn't really matter to me.

5) Get something published-I've got story ideas stored away all over the place. Some of them might have made a good book. Maybe even good enough to get sales into the triple digits

Well, I could go on for days but since we have less than one left, thanks for reading. See you...out there.

Who Called It?

Back a few weeks ago, you might recall my opinions on Donald Trump trying to be the first orange man elected President (Seriously, dude, lay off the spray-tan. You're not Lindsay Lohan) and how he would later announce his candidacy on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well it turns out that this won't be the case because...the finale's already been filmed and even NBC has come clean about it. Yep, like I said before, this was a publicity stunt to bolster ratings for his reality show that no one really cares about anymore in an attempt for him to say, "The Apprentice is the number one show on television!" and drag that line out for at least a year.

"Curses, foiled again!!!"


I did imagine upon hearing this news that the Donald is going to comment that NBC is somehow mistaken about the progress of a TV show that airs on their own network and he will make an announcement but even his own spokesman basically said, "Yeah, my boss is full of shit."

Wow, not even into the campaign and you've already stepped in it Donald. Look, I can imagine this has been a rough month for you, what with Obama releasing his birth certificate and while you still tried to grill his ass about it, he was busy getting ready to kill Osama bin Laden. Now you could have gotten on him about taking sixteen hours to make up his mind but you blew it. Now it's back to The Apprentice and hoping that people will give a shit about anything you do.

How Trump envisioned the Obama administration to view his non-announcement on Celebrity Apprentice

Writer's Block

I must say, in terms of writing, I had a great month in April. Most of my stuff may have been not to everyone's tastes but given that it was the third highest rated month since I started this blog, I think most of you liked what I was doing.

However now I'm in a rut. There are things that I want to write about but every time I star to type, it looks like shit, even to my standards and I erase the whole thing. And that's not to say that there's not a lot going on in the world. The debate rages on to whether OSB is really dead (Trust me, if Al Qaeda is on the rag about it, then ya, he's dead), my best friend is getting married at the beginning of next month (Though in Harrow-dude, seriously?) and during my time home I'll probably do some more cooking (I'm posting recipies-trust me, it's good).

Is it bad that I can't remember the last time I wrote something down in a journal?


Right now I'm thinking of doing a post about two shows that I find to be some of the worst on television yet at the same time, I can't get enough of. Those are The Steve Wilkos Show (AKA: The Jerry Springer Show without transvestites and midgets) and Operation: Repo. It's the latter which I find more ridiculous but I'll probably get into those reasons later.

Wow, you sure look menacing in those overalls

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense Part II

I know that with lists like these it seems that I really enjoy tearing into George Lucas' work. I don't...except for the stuff made after Return of the Jedi. OK, I'm lying if I say that I hate the prequel trilogy. I don't but at the same time I think there are a lot of things that could be improved upon it. However everything that can be said has alraedy been done by people who do much better work than me.

But I'm not here to take another stab at the bizzare elections of other planets or Hayden Christansen. Instead most of the stuff I cover is from the original trilogy. And with that said, let's begin.

...Jar-Jar Binks never existed

1) Stormtroopers are Precise?-In A New Hope, upon finding the sandcrawler that sold him R2-D2 and C-3PO destroyed, Luke Skywalker assumed it was done by the sand people (AKA: Tusken Raiders-are they Italian?). However Obi-Wan Kenobi points out that this is not the case due to the Bantha tracks in the sand. He then moves Luke closer and shows him the blast marks.

Obi-Wan: "And these blast points-too accurate for sand people. Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise."

Remember that last sentence because the next time we see Stormtroopers trying to shoot something, their target is the unsuspecting (and momentarily stationary) Han Solo just as he is about do leave Mos Eisley. There are about five or six Stormtroopers shooting and not one of them come close to hitting Han. In fact, I can think of only a few instances where a stormtrooper has managed to hit his target and trust me, there aren't a lot.

"Please, God, just let me hit something!"

2) Who Needs Sight to Land?-In The Empire Strikes Back, Luke goes to the planet Dagobah to train with Yoda. He moves to bring his ship down but is quickly blinded by all the fog. R2-D2 is beeping like crazy because he thinks he's riding shotgun with Billy Joel and Luke tries to calm him down.

Luke: "All the scopes are down; I can't see a thing! Just hang on, I'm going to start the landing cycle."

I know Luke is supposed to be a good pilot but to land a ship without seeing? Holy shit, the terrorists in Die Hard 2 would have been royally screwed if Luke was flying one of those planes. Maybe the Force was with him but given how he lands, I'd say it was dumb luck. Or destiny. That word is always crawling it's way into Star Wars scripts.

Another successful landing

3) How did Vader Know Luke Would Come?-OK, we know in Empire that Han, Leia, Chewie and 3PO are captured by the Empire at Cloud City to lure Luke Skywalker into a trap. There's just one problem: How do they know that he'll come?

I'm not kidding, it's never explained how Vader knows that Luke is aware his friends are in danger. I mean, for all Vader knows, Luke is partying with the rebels after they escaped from Hoth. He doesn't know Luke is training with Yoda. I mean, did they make an announcement over intergalactic communications?

And suppose Luke didn't go to Dagobah?

What if Luke said, "Ah, screw going to Dagobah. I'm gonna go to Sullest where the beaches are fine and the bitches are finer!"

That means he wouldn't have developed his Force abilities, wouldn't have sensed his friends being tortured and wouldn't have gone to Cloud City. Vader would have been like that kid who's still waiting for his deadbeat dad to return from the corner store even though he left five years ago.

"Look, he'll show up any minute, I know it."

4) Obi-Wan's Interference-Since Luke did go to Dagobah, he used the Force and has to leave to save his friends despite Yoda insisting that he stay and complete his training. However Luke feels he must go because Han, Leia and Chewie are his BFFs.

All of a sudden Obi-Wan appears all sparkly and ghost-like to appeal to Luke. However he and Yoda cannot get through to young Skywalker. They know he's not ready to face Vader but Luke feels he must if it can save his friends. Desperate, Obi-Wan tries just one more time.

Obi-Wan: "If you choose to face Vader you will do it alone. I cannot interfere."

Suppose Obi-Wan could interfere...what the hell would he do? I mean, he's dead! I know he can appear all sparkly and glowy but he's a ghost. He's not going to do much good if he can't move anything on this plane of reality. The worst he could do is try to scare the shit out of Vader but I doubt that would work. That or as Luke and Vader are fighting he could just keep saying, "Hey, cut it out! Stop that, I mean it!!! Hey stop it, someone's going to get hurt!!! I mean it, I'm going to get very upset soon."

"BOO!"

When Star Wars Doesn't Make Sense

For almost a year I've been trying to compile a list of my favourite films of all time. While it may be an easy task for some it has been rather difficult for me because I love film. However one film I know which easily fits into my top 10 is the first Star Wars movie, A New Hope. Even though I saw ROTJ first, A New Hope has a special place in my heart.

I don't know too many people who haven't seen at least A New Hope or even both trilogies because they're very easy to follow. But lately I've discovered that there are some really confusing things in almost all the movies that no one ever brings up and they just confuse me. These are in no particular order so try to stay with me as I go from one spot to another in a galaxy far, far away...

...people actually appreciated George Lucas' storytelling abilities

1) They elected Queen Amidala?- In The Phantom Menace, there is a scene where Queen Amidala addresses the Galactic Senate and tells them, "I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee."

Now, I don't know a lot about monarchies but are Queens elected? I don't think so. At first I attributed the line to just a simple flub be it intentional or not. Amidala was under a lot of stress at the time, it's understandable to screw up a word or two. But then in the next movie, Attack of the Clones, she says that she was relieved that her two terms were up. So wait, the planet of Naboo decided that the best person to elect as Queen, to be their leader was a teenage girl? What the hell is the matter with this planet? They have a fourteen year old in charge and are then surprised that the Trade Federation wants to invade?

Of course there's another line in Clones, that Amidala makes that just leaves you in shock that the Gungans didn't take over: "I wasn't the youngest Queen ever elected." They elected a baby? Is that what she's saying? They elected a baby or a preschooler? Good Christ, what is going on?

The New Queen of Naboo. She was elected in a landslide

2) Princess Leia's REALLY Good Memory-In Return of the Jedi, just before Luke leaves to confront Vader, he decides to tell the Leia the truth about themselves (They're brother and sister). He starts off easy, to break the ice. This is actual dialogue from the movie:

Luke: Leia, do you remember your mother? Your real mother?

Leia: Just a little bit. She died when I was very young?

Luke: What do you remember?

Leia: Just images, really. Feelings. She was very beautiful, kind but...sad.

Now this would all be fine and acceptable except for the fact that their mother dies moments after they're born. What's equally baffling is that Luke was born first and he admits that he has no memory of his mother. Hell, Uncle Owen probably told her she died after a wild orgy with Jabba the Hutt and Bib Fortuna.

And despite Leia being just ten seconds old, she was able to remember that her mother was very beautiful, kind yet sad...the sad part understandable since she was dying and everything. I don't know how the hell this is possible considering most people don't remember most of the first few years of my life. Hell, do you want to know what I remember from when I was a baby? Shoving a raisin up my nose. Maybe Lucas shouldn't have rushed that death scene so quickly...

Oh and equally confusing is why she's screaming so much during childbirth. I've noticed that during childbirth in both Star Trek and Star Wars, despite all this wonderous technology, machines that make food out of thin air, abilities to travel across solar systems in a second...they still don't have a way to make childbirth painless. Why did they keep calling her 'Princess' after her kingdom was destroyed?

3) Obi-Wan's Relationship with Anakin: This is what Obi-Wan Kenobi says about Anakin Skywalker when discussing him in A New Hope.

"He was the best star-pilot in the galaxy. And a cunning warrior...and he was a good friend."

Repeat that over and over as you watch Episodes II and III. Obi-Wan is constantly on Anakin's ass like he's some demented kid who likes to start fires and isn't taking his ADD medication. I can't really sense any form of friendship, it's more like Obi-Wan's just tolerating him. Somewhere along the line I honestly think that George Lucas forgot to watch the first trilogy before writing the prequels. Here's some dialogue from ROTJ where Obi-Wan talks to Luke about his father and I'll give you my version of how it should have gone.

(ROTJ) Obi-Wan: "Anakin was a good friend. When I first knew him, your father was already a great pilot. But I was amazed how strongly the Force was with him. I took it upon myself to train him as a Jedi. I thought that I could instruct him just as well as Yoda...I was wrong."

(Schweitzer-Man Version) Obi-Wan: "Anakin was a royal pain in the ass 90% of the time. When I first met him, I guess he was a good pilot or something. He won this race that I never saw and to be honest, I really didn't want him around. I would have rather hung out with Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar, man! I mean, I thought he was dangerous. But then my mentor died and he sorta guilted me into training him. We...were at odds most of the time, I was usually yelling, he was usually pouting. And then he killed everyone so I chopped off his arms and legs. The end. Oh and that part about him wanting you to have his lightsaber? Yeah, I was just fuckin' with ya."

"Hey, Luke, want to hear some more bullshit about your father?"

4) The Younglings: Just repeat that word over and over to yourself. Seriously, George, why?

5) The Rebels Just Stay There-In A New Hope, we see the Rebel Alliance launch a squadron of thirty ships to try to destroy the Death Star. As soon as the battle commences Princess Leia, 3PO and other leaders watch the battle unfold on the computer and hear how they have fifteen minutes until the Death Star is in firing range of the moon they're hiding on.

Now, I'm not too nitpicky about the Death Star not just blowing up the planet they were orbiting and then blowing up the moon because there might be some other reason, like the Death Star can only fire it's main weapon once an hour or something-I'm just speculating.

But, think about this, they've got the plans to the Death Star, they're a pretty large threat to the Empire and if the mission failed they could always get more people to join...yet they're just standing around waiting to get blown up. No ships are being launched to get out of there, they're just watching. Hell, when the computer announces that the Death Star is in firing range, Princess Leia gives a look like she's thinking, "Ooh, we better come up with a Plan B." Good thing Luke was a good shot. I know that it's all for dramatic tension but...it'd be nice if someone said WHY they were staying.

"OK, they'll be firing in about four seconds. Does anyone want to go start the car?"

6) What Was the Empire Waiting For?-In The Empire Strikes Back, our stranded heroes of Han Solo, Leia, Chewbacca and C-3PO find refuge in Cloud City from Han's friend Lando Calrissian. Of course it isn't until later that we find out...

As the stormtroopers file in with their guns pointed at our heroes, Lando says, "I had no choice. They arrived right before you did."

OK, if that's the case, then what were they waiting for? They let them feel comfortable, change their clothes...why? What was the point of that? Were they so busy touring Cloud City that they just forgot and cried, "Oh shit, we forgot we got to capture the rebels."

Hell, a stormtrooper blows up C-3PO just a few minutes after they arrived. So what, was Darth Vader just feeling like a dick and decided, "I'm going to ruin their vacation!!!" Oh and as an added bonus, Han sees Vader and right there decides to try and blow his brains out. It doesn't do him any good, mind you, but there you go George Lucas: Han DID shoot first! Although now that I've pointed it out he'll probably re-release ESB and change the scene so that Vader gets off a shot that he stupidly misses. God, I need a drink just thinking about that.

7) It was NOT a Trap!-We all know the meme. Even those who never saw ROTJ know of the line and even the name of the character who said it. But if you really think about it, Admiral Ackbar was not much of leader and neither was Lando.

So, the Rebels have got all their ships to do a 'Do-Or-Die' showdown with the second Death Star, with smaller, one-man fighters flying inside and blowing it up by destroying it's reactor. However to get inside, the Death Star's shield, which is generated on the moon of Endor, must be deactivated. So they arrive and found out it's still up just as they're about to go in. So all the ships turn around and one officer shouts, "Admiral, we have enemy ships in sector 37!"

So the fleet turns around to find an armada of Imperial Star Destroyers waiting for them however only the small TIE fighters are attacking. Things quickly change when the Death Star starts firing on the Rebel ships. So Lando decides that the only way for them to survive is for them to engage the Star Destroyers at point blank range, which upsets Ackbar.

Ackbar: At that close range we won't last long against those Star Destroyers!

Lando: We'll last longer than we will against that Death Star. And we might just take a few of them with us!

Now, I don't claim to know what was going through Lando's mind when that battle was happening. But I really think he forgot how vast space really is. For example, he knows that on one end, there is a powerful space station and at the other, there is a fleet of enemy ships? Two questions: 1) Why didn't Lando order the fleet to go around the Death Star?

There sure is a lot of...space behind the Death Star...

I mean, the Death Star doesn't look like it can turn 360 in a few seconds and it would take the Star Destroyers time to catch up.

2) Why not just...go down? I don't mean surrender but why not just use your thrusters and descend like, 5000 meters? Kirk did it in Wrath of Khan, why these ships can't is beyond me.

So, for Ackbar to claim that the scenario there were in was a trap, would be like if you were walking towards an exit when all of a sudden you see a mob of zombies marching towards you. Is that a trap? No, just use your damn head. Trap my ass.

Schweitzer-Man vs the Nazis Part II

So there I was, downtown Calgary and I realized that I had arrived too early. So maybe I could have afforded to fall asleep on the train and arrive a bit late. And since it was cold, I decided to walk around and warm up. As I rounded the block for the second time I saw a group of women carrying signs so I decided to follow them to city hall.

Sure enough when I got there there were trucks for CTV, Global and various other media outlets. There were a few counter-protesters around, making name tags with goofy names like 'Pac-Man'; 'Tinkerbell'. I was thinking about putting 'Schweitzer-Man' on mine, but decided not to take one at all. If it looked like I had anything to do with the counter-protest movement, chances are that I would not have gotten as close to the skinheads as I did.

As one of my college professors once told me: "That's boring. Make it sexy!"

Which brings me to my next point. I have no idea which group it was that attended this. I heard some people saying it was the 'Aryan Guard' while other said it was a group called 'Blood and Honour'. It's confusing because the Wikipedia page for the Aryan Guard links it to the Blood and Honour website and they insist that they are NOT the Aryan Guard. Confused yet? But for the sake of clarity, I'll refer to these people as Blood and Honour.

So the leader of this counter-protest got up on the steps of city hall and announced what would be happening. There were going to be two blockades of police, one blocking the counter-protesters and the other blocking Blood and Honour with about a hundred metres or more in between them. I noticed a lot of the people there were wearing masks (Guy Fawkes seemed the most popular; I think those people were just hoping a fight would break out) and was told that it's legal so long as they don't do anything illegal. The leader of this was a long-haired dude named Jason who had previously been assaulted by members of Blood and Honour so I can understand why they would want to wear them. In their case it was "V for Very Unoriginal"

I don't know who said so, but shortly thereafter someone said, "There they are! They're down the street!" Cue the theme to Superman as I dashed down the street with my video camera in one hand and my other camera in my trusty camera bag. Before I could even get across the street I saw an obstacle in front of me which was the police barricade. Normally I would have done a flying somersault over them but thanks to my charming good looks and youth, they took me to be a member of the press and let me through.

As I got closer I could see the waves of two identical flags for Blood and Honour. As was earlier stated, there were not a lot of people. About sixteen, I imagine, most of them dressed in black, some of them with shaved heads (There was only one woman and she had pink hair) with bandannas over their faces. What mostly surprised me was how young most of them were. Most of them looked like they belonged in Germany's version of High School Musical. A lot of the older ones looked to be in their thirties and forties with big guts and faces that told me not a lot was going upstairs other than the theme to Benny Hill.

"We told our parents that we were going to the library to study...please don't tell on us."

The one in charge was probably in his twenties but you couldn't tell looking at him. He was just so short that you would have thought he was crouching or on his knees. I'm surprised that nobody went up and kicked him. Not because he's a Nazi (Kick all Nazis, not just short ones) but just to see how far the little guy would fly.

The whole couple of hours I was out there consisted of Blood and Honour getting blocked by police at one block so then they would try and go around the block only to find that the police moved faster than a bunch of fat white guys who probably won't lose a pound despite all the walking they did. Aside from shouting "WHITE PRIDE WORLDWIDE" they really didn't do anything.

At one point one of them got right up in the face of one of the officers in the barricade and began shouting at him. They were the ones who deserved to be at City Hall. They weren't the violent ones. The officer just kept quiet and let the moron rant away. "That's right, hide behind your sunglasses," he sneered at the cop as he went back to join his friends who were all hiding behind their bandannas.

"We're so full of pride that we're going to hide our faces so no one knows who we are...wait, what?"

And that was it, walk, get blocked, shout and repeat. On and on. I don't know what in the hell these dumbasses were trying to accomplish. "Hey, let's walk around and wave a flag and shout the same slogan over and over for four hours! When we done, we can go back to the clubhouse and circle-jerk!!!"

And you know that last part is true.

Occasionally, some of them would decide to remove all doubt about their lack of intelligence and possible inbred family tree by opening their mouths to speak. "I got laid off from my last job because I don't speak Arabic," boasted some fat slob. I'm sure the fact that you were caught trying to have relations with a Basset Hound didn't help you either. And let's look at his actions right now. Instead of taking the opportunity to look for employment in downtown Calgary, he's going to just walk from one block to another, back and forth for a few hours, shout "WHITE PRIDE WORLDWIDE", show everyone how fat he is and then go home and pass out drunk during a Nascar race, muttering in your sleep, "They took muh job!"

It's fine to hate someone if they're an asshole, but to hate them simply because "der skin is blaak", well it makes me think that random sterilization isn't such a bad idea. Or maybe just for members of Blood and Honour. They must realize that separation of the races is just crazy and the pipe dream of the KKK and Elijah Muhammad. I mean, these people must have watched Star Trek and all the episodes (start video at 2:19) they did about racism or demonstrated that racism was something not tolerated due to it's sheer stupidity.

Wow, with you being unemployed, I'm glad you still have money to spend on the essentials like cigarettes.

Naturally I would have loved to go into full superhero mode and body slam these pussies like I was Hulk Hogan but sadly due to the massive police presence in the area, the odds of escape would not have been in my favour. But if there was one idiot who deserved it, it was a man I nicknamed 'Leprechaun-Nazi Douche'. He was wearing a large Leprechaun hat despite St. Patrick's day having passed. He walked around with Blood and Honour and would say stupid shit like, "You got these people that come from Sudan and they have like eight kids and they start selling drugs and listening to rap music."

Oh right, Mr. Leprechaun-Nazi Douche. Because as we all know, white people never have an abundance of children, listen to rap or do drugs. No, it's all those evil minorities. What was even more sad was that the Blood and Honour people just kinda stood there and accepted it. Eventually Blood and Honour realized that after four hours of walking around they were pretty bored and going to go back to their clubhouse to circle-jerk. Mr. Leprechaun-Nazi Douche went over to the counter-protest side and tried to pick fights with anyone who would give him attention. I last saw him walking down the street all by himself.

"Look, I'm wearing a big leprechaun hat!!! I'm so crazy and original! Please pay attention to me!!! PLEEEEZZZEEE!!!!"

So with the Nazis on their bus and gone, I decided to leave as well since there wasn't going to be anything interesting going on anyway. In closing, I leave you with a picture of a happy police officer and a member of the 4chan community.

"Now that the Nazis are gone I can play paintball! Hell yeah!!!"

I'll just let this one speak for itself

Schweitzer-Man vs the Nazis

"But my Führer, we are Nazis; we have no brains!"

-Nazi Captain in Three Stooges short Back From the Front

Ever since I was a little kid I was fascinated by superheroes and while Batman is my favourite, the first one I remember being exposed to was Superman. I didn't know jack about the whole backstory to him being the last son of a doomed planet until I actually started watching Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman when I was seven. And yeah, I don't care what people say, that was an alright show...until it got dumb of course.

But yeah, it wasn't until I got a bit older that I realized that Superman had been around the time my grandparents were young which is pretty cool. What's also cool is that they incorporated the heroes into the effort against the Nazis in WWII. While it would have been cool to see Superman use his heat vision to slow melt the skin off of Hitler's face, we had to settle for something more suited for the times.

Come on, melt his face! It'll be just like Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Which brings me to what I'm talking about today. I was walking home from the bus stop when I saw a sign attached to a streetlight. Apparently what my history teachers in high school taught me was just a lie because Nazis are alive, well and probably smell twice as bad now as they did in the 30's and 40's. They're holding a White Pride parade and anti-racism march is being planned and I plan to be in attendance with camera in hand.

Nazis piss me off. I remember watching documentaries about hate-groups in high school and most of them were the same story: Fat and friendless in high school, decided to become a Nazi so that way you'll be accepted somewhere blah blah blah. Then they go to prison, meet up with more Nazis, get some stupid tattoos and basically ink themselves so stupidly that it's impossible for them to interact in normal society...like this jackass.

Just the kind of guy you hope your daughter brings home

Naturally with such ignorance out in full force, I could be tempted to unleash my superpowers and beat all up and drop them off at the nearest Jewish doctor's office but instead, I've devised a few ways that you can have fun with Nazis. That's right, fun with Nazis.


1) Bring Three Stooges Videos-If you're going to do this, I recommend Back From the Front or any other sketch where they parody Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party like You Nazty Spy. But if you want to really offend these asshats, then go with Back From the Front.


After all, what's going to piss off some Nazi's more than the story of three Jews who board the S.S. Schiklgruber and easily defeat it's entire crew and dispatching of the captain and his officers by having Moe Howard dress up as Hitler?

"Hang Hitler."

2) Insist that Everybody's Home is Africa-I watched the boxing documentary When We Were Kings about the Ali/Foreman 'Rumble in the Jungle' in Zaire. At one point Foreman can be clearly heard saying, "Africa is the cradle of civilization. Everybody's home is Africa."

Everybody you say? Christ, just try to say that to a Nazi and not have him foaming at the mouth in pure rage.

2A) Ask What their Real Name is-Go the Nation of Islam route. I remember a scene from Malcolm X where he is asked what his real name is by his Muslim preacher. He gives his full name but is then told that that name (Malcolm Little, specifically the surname) is the name of the slave owners who owned his family.

And since everybody's home is Africa...well, for all I know Schweitzer was probably some evil plantation owner in Africa! In fact, I bet that history has twisted his image so that he looks like some great man who won the Nobel Prize. Thank God my family escaped his clutches decades ago! But in escaping, we forgot our true names that were given to us.

Albert Schweitzer: Nobel Prize winner, humanitarian, slave master.

3) Remind them that "Buffalo Bill" was probably a Nazi-Some of you might be aware of this but in The Silence of the Lambs, the transvestite serial killer Buffalo Bill can be seen with a swastika in his bedroom when he's going for his gun. It's one of those 'blink-and-you-miss-it' scenes. Now what the hell a transvestite is doing with a swastika in his/her bedroom really has me scratching my head.

Still, in all reality, these Nazis probably have Buffalo Bill up there with Hitler. We know that even though these Nazis hate anyone who's not white or straight but in all honesty, they wish they could be Buffalo Bill. Hell, this might not make them mad so much as it may help them.

"It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it reads Mein Kampf again."

I'm looking forward to this rally in two weeks. Hopefully I can get some good pictures and some funny stories while I'm there. Stay tuned...