Thursday, May 26, 2011

Dude, Where's My Apocalypse?

While I probably should have addressed this in my last post, I must say, I'm a bit confused to find myself here since last Saturday was supposed to be the end of the world. Now while that may sound like a normal line of dialogue if this were Buffy the Vampire Slayer, last Saturday was supposed to be the end all of end alls...but nothing happened.

Now Harold Camping, the preacher behind these doom and gloom theories has come out and said that actually May 21 was a "spiritual Judgment Day" and that the Rapture will actually happen on October 21 of this year. Now isn't that a cop-out. He's telling us that God is supposed to end the world on a certain day and now it turns out that said day was just the day that God is making His "Naughty or Nice" list.

If you want my theory on why the world didn't end, here it is:

On May 20, the day before said Apocalypse was supposed to take place, former wrestling superstar "Macho Man" Randy Savage died after injuries sustained in a car accident. Since God is a huge wrestling fan (He's ordered every Wrestlemania PPV), like a lot of people, He was pretty bummed out about it. And why not? Everyone watched wrestling at some point in their lives and even if you didn't, you knew the Macho Man when you saw him.

Seeing how people were clearly bummed about this, God decided that we as a people had suffered enough and decided to cancel the whole end of the world.

At least that's my theory.


Monday, May 23, 2011

Retire Ronald? Kiss My Ass

I was thankful enough to grow up with a mom who knew how to cook really well and there were times when my dad could even surprise us with his culinary talents. However, one thing that was always a great treat when me and my sisters were kids was Burger King or McDonalds.

Of course I've wised up over the years and now only eat at Burger King which is the polar opposite of M'Lord, who only eats at McDonalds and despises Burger King. However, if there's one thing I think about when I hear the name "McDonalds" (Other than "Why does this Big Mac look so small?") is their mascot, Ronald McDonald.

OK, this does look a little creepy

The dude was in every commercial you saw, showing off the same Happy Meal package-burger, fries and soft drink-and the special toy for the week you got when you bought a Happy Meal. Hell, sometimes the commercials usually had these weird story lines that would go one for four months. I tried to find clips from YouTube but was unsuccessful. And yeah, again, I remember story lines from a fast food chain's commercials better than I remember high school math. Memory can be a bitch like that sometimes.

What's also a bitch is when morons try to put the blame on someone else for their own problems. Especially if that someone happens to be Ronald McDonald. I can understand people being concerned about the health of young children with the rates of childhood obesity going up, but comparing McDonalds to the tobacco and alcohol industry? Excuse me, while I might joke about there being rat poison in McDonalds hamburgers, I can say that I know that's true unlike cigarettes.

I hope they didn't pay that artist a lot of money

Look, when I was a little kid, the reason I liked McDonalds and Burger King wasn't because they had a clown or some stupid Kids Club were offering it like the junkie who hangs around the local 7-Eleven. I wanted it because it tasted good and it wasn't something we got all the time, you idiots!

What a lot of people seem to forget, especially parents, is that parents can say "No" to their children if they ask for Burger King or McDonalds. I know my parents did loads of times no matter how much us kids begged. You're the parent. Be blunt. Tell them to stop crying or you'll really give them something to cry about. Send them to bed until they stop crying and you'll only give them what you cook them if they stop crying.

Or be more blunt. Just say, "No, you can't have Burger King this week, you lazy, man booby fat ass because you weigh as much as a horse!" And while this may not be the best way to talk to a seven year old, some of these parents should know that constantly feeding their children fast food because they're too retarded to cook something on their own, isn't the best thing for your man-booby fat ass kid.

Yeah, this is clearly the work of evil mastermind, Ronald McDonald.

And I'm not saying getting fast food or take out on a weekly basis is a bad thing. Every week I go down to Burger King, get either a Whopper or Double Whopper, no onions, some bacon, large fries, large chocolate shake. Mmm, mmm, that's good eatin'. And when I was living at home every Friday was pizza night. But the thing is, I exercise quite a bit and can afford to put on weight considering fat ass in the picture above probably weighs twice as much as me.

Look, I can understand people wanting to McDonalds to offer healthier alternatives but at the same time, parents should at least be aware of what their children are putting in their mouths (Sounds kinda gross). And if you're kid is starting to look a little plump or ready to have a heart attack at the age of 11, get them exercising. That and learn to say no to them. You're the parent for Christ sake, you should know that you have control.

Plus, if you're going to jump on this bandwagon of Retire Ronald, just stop. Have you heard of Ronald McDonald Houses? What the hell are we supposed to call them if you retire Ronald? Besides, he's an advertisement tool, he's meant to draw people in. It's kinda the reason why more people prefer Frosted Flakes over Grape Nuts.
That and the fact the name of Grape Nuts is a lie where Frosted Flakes is exactly what you get.

How bout you try to meet a common ground with McDonalds? Ask them to make a character who is in good shape, promotes healthy eating habit and warns about the dangerous consequences of not, and can appeal to adults too.

"Why so obese?"

Friday, May 20, 2011


Well, I had hoped that I would be doing this blog for a few more years but it seems like that isn't in my future...or anyone's since the world is going to end tomorrow.

So yeah, here I am, pissing away the last couple of hours instead of just getting piss drunk like the rest of the world probably is. Instead, let me give you a quick list of things that I hoped to have gotten done if it weren't for this coming doom.

1) Interview Gordon Ramsay-The dude is just so interesting and whether he gives an interviews that's straight up for laughs where he calls everyone a donkey and calls their bad cooking shit or being very serious talking about his rough upbringing and surviving the toughest kitchens in Paris you know that it's an interview where you'll be hooked on every word.

2) Finish My Top 10 Movies List-Yeah, I'm a lazy bastard, no getting away from that. I'd give you a sneak preview, but I think I'll have plenty of time to finish it when I'm in Hel-I mean...Heaven. Yes...Heaven. However I'll let you know that I've recently added The French Connection to the list.

3) Write a Good Episode of Glee-Take the time to laugh but hear me out. There would be musical numbers, but they'd all be incomplete due to somebody interrupting them. That way, no one would hear the finish product and be in a bigger hurry to buy the songs when they're released on iTunes. I have no idea what in the hell the plot would be but I think I'd call the episode, "The Sound of Music". I like irony.

4) See a big fight in Vegas-Aaron and I mentioned going back to Vegas one day and hopefully catching a big fight. Now whether it be boxing or UFC, it wouldn't really matter to me.

5) Get something published-I've got story ideas stored away all over the place. Some of them might have made a good book. Maybe even good enough to get sales into the triple digits

Well, I could go on for days but since we have less than one left, thanks for reading. See you...out there.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Does This Suit Me?

Aaron and Katelynn's wedding is in less than three weeks. And while I spent an entire afternoon last weekend getting them wedding presents, this weekend I spent an entire day looking for clothes.

I'm not a fashionable guy. When I say that, I don't mean that I wear plaid on a daily basis and I know that if I'm going out to a nice restaurant that I probably shouldn't wear torn jeans and a shirt that has some retarded slogan on it. At the same time if you want me to pick out a suit, then you might want to put on a pot of coffee, get out your copy of Atlas Shrugged, because this going to take a while.

It's not that I'm stubborn or anything like that, it's just that choosing is hard for me sometimes. I want to look nice but I don't want to look like I'm late for the royal wedding. I want to be casual but not in a "I got this at Bargain Bin" way. I want a nice colour but I also don't want people blinded by my shirt.

Does anyone know where Spike gets his suits at?

Thankfully that problem has been solved. While I originally got frustrated and decided to take my revenge on the fashion world by dressing like Rod Roddy for the wedding, I came upon a tailor shop in the mall and within twenty minutes left with a nice blue shirt, tie and black pants.

I kept asking myself why such time had to be wasted on clothes that I would wear only once and would most likely never get the smell of booze off of.

"It's tradition," my father explained, sounding a lot like Tevye.

Right now, I'm just glad this is done and am looking forward to my vacation, the wedding, the food, the (hopefully) open bar.

Friday, May 13, 2011

It Never Rains...

When people talk about "Hell freezing over", they're mostly talking about a typical day in Calgary. It usually means lots of snow, lots of grumpy people and a severe lack of natural sunlight which makes my albino-esque complexion stand out so much that they're begging me to by a tanning session at the gym. I'm not kidding about the last part.

But one thing that I really miss about Ontario weather is a good thunderstorm. Right now my parents have been getting their fair share of showers lately but I must say, I just miss the roar of thunder, running between raindrops as I tried to get between car and house and especially the lightning. It reminded me a lot of the Emperor from Return of the Jedi.

I remember working at a tiny gas station one sunny Sunday afternoon in Maidstone. These three dudes on motorcycles came in, filled up their bikes and then I noticed that they were just standing at the fuel island, looking out towards the horizon (Which I couldn't see from my position) and talking amongst themselves. I decided to see what was going on and stepped outside and looked down the highway that lead to Windsor.

You could see this enormous black cloud floating above everything and slowly inching itself closer and closer towards us. I spoke with the bikers and they were headed into Windsor but weren't sure of what they should do now. I remember them riding off into the darkness but when I left the rain was just wild. For some strange reason, I enjoy driving in the rain even if everyone else on the road is acting like they're skirting around a minefield.

God dammit, Mother Nature, can we get a thunderstorm...preferrably when I don't have to be anywhere?

Yes, something like this will do just fine

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Who Called It?

Back a few weeks ago, you might recall my opinions on Donald Trump trying to be the first orange man elected President (Seriously, dude, lay off the spray-tan. You're not Lindsay Lohan) and how he would later announce his candidacy on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well it turns out that this won't be the case because...the finale's already been filmed and even NBC has come clean about it. Yep, like I said before, this was a publicity stunt to bolster ratings for his reality show that no one really cares about anymore in an attempt for him to say, "The Apprentice is the number one show on television!" and drag that line out for at least a year.

"Curses, foiled again!!!"

I did imagine upon hearing this news that the Donald is going to comment that NBC is somehow mistaken about the progress of a TV show that airs on their own network and he will make an announcement but even his own spokesman basically said, "Yeah, my boss is full of shit."

Wow, not even into the campaign and you've already stepped in it Donald. Look, I can imagine this has been a rough month for you, what with Obama releasing his birth certificate and while you still tried to grill his ass about it, he was busy getting ready to kill Osama bin Laden. Now you could have gotten on him about taking sixteen hours to make up his mind but you blew it. Now it's back to The Apprentice and hoping that people will give a shit about anything you do.

How Trump envisioned the Obama administration to view his non-announcement on Celebrity Apprentice

Sunday, May 8, 2011

What I Love About Boxing #1

Referee Kenny Bayless. The fight can be a massive disapointment (Like Pacquiao/Mosley last night) but at least you know that man is going to put every ounce of energy he has into a count.

Keep up the fine work, Kenny. You're in an inspiration to referees everywhere

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Writer's Block

I must say, in terms of writing, I had a great month in April. Most of my stuff may have been not to everyone's tastes but given that it was the third highest rated month since I started this blog, I think most of you liked what I was doing.

However now I'm in a rut. There are things that I want to write about but every time I star to type, it looks like shit, even to my standards and I erase the whole thing. And that's not to say that there's not a lot going on in the world. The debate rages on to whether OSB is really dead (Trust me, if Al Qaeda is on the rag about it, then ya, he's dead), my best friend is getting married at the beginning of next month (Though in Harrow-dude, seriously?) and during my time home I'll probably do some more cooking (I'm posting recipies-trust me, it's good).

Is it bad that I can't remember the last time I wrote something down in a journal?

Right now I'm thinking of doing a post about two shows that I find to be some of the worst on television yet at the same time, I can't get enough of. Those are The Steve Wilkos Show (AKA: The Jerry Springer Show without transvestites and midgets) and Operation: Repo. It's the latter which I find more ridiculous but I'll probably get into those reasons later.

Wow, you sure look menacing in those overalls

Monday, May 2, 2011

Rot in Hell, OBL

I remember being fifteen years old when 9/11 happened. Up until then, I had always been waiting for the "Where Were You?" moment for my generation. My dad's generation had the Kennedy assassinations, Watergate, the attempted assassination of Reagan and the Challenger explosion. The closest that people my age ever got to that sort of moment was the Clinton sex scandal but that wasn't one of those moments that made you stop dead in your tracks. 9/11 was what got me interested in American politics and journalism.

Now you may find this hard to believe, but when I watched the crumbling towers on that unforgettable Tuesday morning, I knew for sure that it was the work of Osama bin Laden. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, you're full of shit" but the truth was that I did. I had read and watched reports of his previous terrorist attacks in Kenya and on the USS Cole so it just made sense.

This always just confused the shit out of me

I personally thought that bin Laden would always escape capture and/or assassination. I also thought it was a bit strange that the FBI had him on their Ten Most Wanted List. I mean, do you really expect the world's most wanted terrorist to be hiding out in Akron, Ohio? So you can imagine my surprise when I came home around nine o'clock last night with my Burger King to see M'Lord watching the TV and telling me the news.

M'Lord: Hey, dude. D'you hear the news?

SchweitzerMan: What news?

M'Lord: Osama bin Laden's been killed.

SchweitzerMan: What? Holy _______ _____!!!

That kept me up later than I thought I would be, constantly watching news reports and reading updated websites.

There's a lot of debate going on right now in the White House whether they should release photos of his body. I personally don't see any reason why they shouldn't and I'm surprised that it hasn't been leaked already. Hell, just Google "Osama dead" and you'll probably find a good photoshop job that'll fool you for a few minutes until you look closely at it.

What I find most amusing about this situation is that President Obama decided to make the announcement about Osama's assassination in the middle of Celebrity Apprentice. The dude's gotta feel pretty good that he can rub this in his face and make Trump look like an even bigger jackass.

Now Trump is demanding that Obama release bin Laden's death certificate

Behind the Scenes

It almost sounds a bit strange for me to actually say it out loud but for the past year, I've been making comics. Certainly not on a pro...