The Comics Conundrum: Batman Adventures #18

 As I mentioned last time, an early issue of the series Robin was one of the first comics I ever bought with my own money. But along with that issue there was another comic I bought that day as well.
My family was on a little road trip to visit my Tante who lived in Toronto and on the way to her apartment, I remember we stopped at a Coles book store and there was a rack full of comic books. Naturally I picked up Robin but I also picked up a comic I hadn't seen before. It turns out that the hit show Batman: The Animated Series had it's own tie-in comic and I had found it's latest issue and decided to buy it.

The Batman Adventures...sans Batman

Made It So

After missing it last year, I've just spent the better part of a day at the Calgary Expo where I was very fortunate to get the autographs of Johnathon Frakes (Commander Riker) and Maurice Lamarche, who is a really awesome guy. Have a lot of pictures and I'll be uploading Maurice's message to my father (Done in The Brain's voice, no less) as soon as I get a chance but right now, kinda tired. Up for more than 24 hours and on my feet for almost the same amount of time. I've earned a little break

How To Make Boring Flights Fun

I like flying. I don't do it a lot but if I'm going home for a vacation, it's the only way to travel. However, one thing bugged me about today's flight: No television. It seems that a wire got loose or something, I have no clue, and that shut off the TVs all throughout the plane.

That sucked for me because I had my headphones, ready to watch anything that might hold my attention and also because I had bought the latest issue of The Ring magazine but had accidentally put that with my luggage which was being loaded onto the plane. So while I was flying, I thought of ways to make airline travel much more interesting when you. Most of these are Star Trek related, so try not to complain too much when reading.

1) Re-enact the plane scene from "Commando"-One of my dad's favourite comedies, and one of my favourite Schwarzenegger films, Commando has a good scene where Arnold is on a plane with one of his daughter's kidnappers. In an attempt to escape before takeoff, Arnold requests a blanket and a pillow, then quietly knocks the guy out and breaks his neck, then using the blanket and pillow to cover up the deed.

Getting off before takeoff is going to take a lot of ingenuity but since this is Arnold, he gets it done no problem. He approaches the back and a dumb stewardess stops him.

"Sir, you need to remain seated during takeoff!"

Arnold just looks at her and simply says, "I'm airsick."

Re-enact that. Granted it will probably get the flight delayed because they think you're going to try and ignite an explosive in the bathroom but...actually there are no real upsides to doing this."Ja, wait till you see what I read on dees blog."

2) Pretend you're going into warp speed-Yeah, yeah, big Star Trek nerd but this quick little time killer can have you pretending you're commanding your pilot to activate the warp engines as Captain Picard demonstrates here. This might freak a lot of people out and most likely get you kicked off the plane so again, use at your own discretion. "Make it so, Schweitzer-Man."

3) Have Fun With Turbulence-Turbulence can be fun if you pretend that life is like a video game and if you die you can just start where you left off at. However for those who know better, turbulence can be kinda scary. There are options to make turbulence a bit more fun.

Be a Hero: Wear a Superman shirt. But wear it underneath a light jacket or shirt. That way when it starts shaking, you can stand up (Try not to stumble or you'll look like a pansy), rip open your shirt/jacket and say, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this" and move towards the back like you're going to save the plane. I wore a Superman shirt on my plane ride and when it got really shaky a woman two seats over (There was a free seat in between us) grabbed onto my arm. Does anyone else agree that Superboy from "Young Justice" looks a LOT like me?

Be Like Picard...or Kirk: Yep, going back to Star Trek again, this time, instead of shouting to go to warp, just pretend you're sitting in the captain's chair, press one of the buttons and say something standard like, "Engineering, transfer auxiliary power to impulse engines! We've less than ten minutes before this sun goes super-nova."
Again, don't shout but say it loudly enough so that the people in the same row as you can look over and have a WTF look on their face.

Or if you really wanna have fun with it, ham up your delivery like every Shatner impersonator and do your best Captain Kirk impression.

"Mr. Scott, you've...got to TRANSFER auxiliary power to the impulse engines if we...planonescaping! The lives of millions...hanginthebalance!!!"

"We're Under Attack!": Again, going back to Star Trek, during the original series, the budget wasn't as high and special effects weren't as advanced as they are today. That and the acting wasn't always the best. Usually when the starship Enterprise got hit by enemy fire, you'd see some crew members falling one way while others fell another. If you don't believe me, just watch the last five seconds of this clip. So when the plane shakes a little bit, just over exaggerate your movements. That or try to time it perfectly so you fall into some hot chick's lap. Happy landings indeed.

Klingons are responsible for turbulence aboard most starships

It Never Rains...

When people talk about "Hell freezing over", they're mostly talking about a typical day in Calgary. It usually means lots of snow, lots of grumpy people and a severe lack of natural sunlight which makes my albino-esque complexion stand out so much that they're begging me to by a tanning session at the gym. I'm not kidding about the last part.

But one thing that I really miss about Ontario weather is a good thunderstorm. Right now my parents have been getting their fair share of showers lately but I must say, I just miss the roar of thunder, running between raindrops as I tried to get between car and house and especially the lightning. It reminded me a lot of the Emperor from Return of the Jedi.

I remember working at a tiny gas station one sunny Sunday afternoon in Maidstone. These three dudes on motorcycles came in, filled up their bikes and then I noticed that they were just standing at the fuel island, looking out towards the horizon (Which I couldn't see from my position) and talking amongst themselves. I decided to see what was going on and stepped outside and looked down the highway that lead to Windsor.

You could see this enormous black cloud floating above everything and slowly inching itself closer and closer towards us. I spoke with the bikers and they were headed into Windsor but weren't sure of what they should do now. I remember them riding off into the darkness but when I left the rain was just wild. For some strange reason, I enjoy driving in the rain even if everyone else on the road is acting like they're skirting around a minefield.

God dammit, Mother Nature, can we get a thunderstorm...preferrably when I don't have to be anywhere?

Yes, something like this will do just fine

Rot in Hell, OBL

I remember being fifteen years old when 9/11 happened. Up until then, I had always been waiting for the "Where Were You?" moment for my generation. My dad's generation had the Kennedy assassinations, Watergate, the attempted assassination of Reagan and the Challenger explosion. The closest that people my age ever got to that sort of moment was the Clinton sex scandal but that wasn't one of those moments that made you stop dead in your tracks. 9/11 was what got me interested in American politics and journalism.

Now you may find this hard to believe, but when I watched the crumbling towers on that unforgettable Tuesday morning, I knew for sure that it was the work of Osama bin Laden. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, you're full of shit" but the truth was that I did. I had read and watched reports of his previous terrorist attacks in Kenya and on the USS Cole so it just made sense.

This always just confused the shit out of me

I personally thought that bin Laden would always escape capture and/or assassination. I also thought it was a bit strange that the FBI had him on their Ten Most Wanted List. I mean, do you really expect the world's most wanted terrorist to be hiding out in Akron, Ohio? So you can imagine my surprise when I came home around nine o'clock last night with my Burger King to see M'Lord watching the TV and telling me the news.

M'Lord: Hey, dude. D'you hear the news?

SchweitzerMan: What news?

M'Lord: Osama bin Laden's been killed.

SchweitzerMan: What? Holy _______ _____!!!

That kept me up later than I thought I would be, constantly watching news reports and reading updated websites.

There's a lot of debate going on right now in the White House whether they should release photos of his body. I personally don't see any reason why they shouldn't and I'm surprised that it hasn't been leaked already. Hell, just Google "Osama dead" and you'll probably find a good photoshop job that'll fool you for a few minutes until you look closely at it.

What I find most amusing about this situation is that President Obama decided to make the announcement about Osama's assassination in the middle of Celebrity Apprentice. The dude's gotta feel pretty good that he can rub this in his face and make Trump look like an even bigger jackass.

Now Trump is demanding that Obama release bin Laden's death certificate

Schweitzer-Man and the Freaky Deaky Tiki

When I took over the task of watching Lyle for Aaron and Katelynn, I was under the assumption that they would return the morning on Monday, the 25th. So you can imagine my surprise as I heard the door opening on the morning of the 24th as Lyle started pacing around like mad as the lock on the front door started to click.

Naturally since it was Easter Sunday I assumed it was an attack by the Easter Bunny and was just about to load my AK-47 to greet the bastard when it turns out that it was Aaron and Katelynn returning home. I could get into a whole rant about how Aaron had previously told me it was the 25th but I won't. And you'll probably ask, "Why would you want to use an AK-47 on the Easter Bunny? He's such a lovely, cuddly creature."
My answer: You clearly didn't see the Easter Bunny in Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey. That thing is scary.

This is the face of a bunny that will do horrible things to you...

Since I was such a good boy in taking care of Lyle and not burning down their house, Katelynn gave me a little souvenir she picked up in Hawaii. It was a miniature tiki. Mine was the god of money. She had also brought home the rock from a volcano which she meant to give to Aaron's mother. She also noted that it was apparently cursed or something.
"Perfect gift for your future mother-in-law," I said.

So I'm back in my usual home with a little tiki giving me face of either intended horror or constipation. However just before going to sleep this morning, I decided I would check the mailbox. Sure enough, there was an envelope with my name on it. I opened it up and was delighted to see my tax return had arrived from the government. I'm not going to reveal the amount, but needless to say, I think the tiki is working.

Behold my new God!

The House-Sitters Club

People usually mistake me for a superhero given the way my name sounds. And the truth is that I usually like to help people when they really need it and if it allows me to show of the awesomeness that is me.

With that in mind, you shouldn't be surprised how quickly I lept into action last Tuesday when I got a call around nine o'clock in the evening from Aaron's fiancee, Katelynn. The following is a transcript of that call.

Schweitzer-Man: (Yawn) Yes?

Katelynn: Oh, Schweitzer-Man! You have to get to our place right away, you're the only one who can help us!!!

Schweitzer-Man: Damn right I'm the only one who can help. Now, what's the situation?

Katelynn: It's our dog, Lyle! He needs your help, this is an emergancy!!!

Lyle is a weiner dog who has a bizarre fetish for ovens (Not kidding) but is pretty cool for a dog. So if he's in danger, you bet your ass I'm going to help. Two seconds later I was outside Aaron and Katelynn's house. I decided to enter the house since knocking would only delay any rescuing that might need to happen.

Schweitzer-Man: I'm here!

Katelynn: OK, now that you're here, Lyle needs to be watched until Aaron and I get back from Hawaii early Monday morning. Bye!!!

In truth, what really happened was actually funnier than I made it sound but needless to say, I'm taking care of Lyle and he's really gotten use to me. As I'm typing this he seems to have fallen asleep on my lap.

It's cool having my own place, being able to cook my own meals, not having to hear crying babies although Lyle whimpers endlessly every time I go to the bathroom. One thing I wish the little guy would do is try to get a stronger bladder. Seriously, dog, just try to go twelve hours without pooping.

Admit it. You said, "Awwwwww" when you saw this picture

Schweitzer-Man vs the Nazis Part II

So there I was, downtown Calgary and I realized that I had arrived too early. So maybe I could have afforded to fall asleep on the train and arrive a bit late. And since it was cold, I decided to walk around and warm up. As I rounded the block for the second time I saw a group of women carrying signs so I decided to follow them to city hall.

Sure enough when I got there there were trucks for CTV, Global and various other media outlets. There were a few counter-protesters around, making name tags with goofy names like 'Pac-Man'; 'Tinkerbell'. I was thinking about putting 'Schweitzer-Man' on mine, but decided not to take one at all. If it looked like I had anything to do with the counter-protest movement, chances are that I would not have gotten as close to the skinheads as I did.

As one of my college professors once told me: "That's boring. Make it sexy!"

Which brings me to my next point. I have no idea which group it was that attended this. I heard some people saying it was the 'Aryan Guard' while other said it was a group called 'Blood and Honour'. It's confusing because the Wikipedia page for the Aryan Guard links it to the Blood and Honour website and they insist that they are NOT the Aryan Guard. Confused yet? But for the sake of clarity, I'll refer to these people as Blood and Honour.

So the leader of this counter-protest got up on the steps of city hall and announced what would be happening. There were going to be two blockades of police, one blocking the counter-protesters and the other blocking Blood and Honour with about a hundred metres or more in between them. I noticed a lot of the people there were wearing masks (Guy Fawkes seemed the most popular; I think those people were just hoping a fight would break out) and was told that it's legal so long as they don't do anything illegal. The leader of this was a long-haired dude named Jason who had previously been assaulted by members of Blood and Honour so I can understand why they would want to wear them. In their case it was "V for Very Unoriginal"

I don't know who said so, but shortly thereafter someone said, "There they are! They're down the street!" Cue the theme to Superman as I dashed down the street with my video camera in one hand and my other camera in my trusty camera bag. Before I could even get across the street I saw an obstacle in front of me which was the police barricade. Normally I would have done a flying somersault over them but thanks to my charming good looks and youth, they took me to be a member of the press and let me through.

As I got closer I could see the waves of two identical flags for Blood and Honour. As was earlier stated, there were not a lot of people. About sixteen, I imagine, most of them dressed in black, some of them with shaved heads (There was only one woman and she had pink hair) with bandannas over their faces. What mostly surprised me was how young most of them were. Most of them looked like they belonged in Germany's version of High School Musical. A lot of the older ones looked to be in their thirties and forties with big guts and faces that told me not a lot was going upstairs other than the theme to Benny Hill.

"We told our parents that we were going to the library to study...please don't tell on us."

The one in charge was probably in his twenties but you couldn't tell looking at him. He was just so short that you would have thought he was crouching or on his knees. I'm surprised that nobody went up and kicked him. Not because he's a Nazi (Kick all Nazis, not just short ones) but just to see how far the little guy would fly.

The whole couple of hours I was out there consisted of Blood and Honour getting blocked by police at one block so then they would try and go around the block only to find that the police moved faster than a bunch of fat white guys who probably won't lose a pound despite all the walking they did. Aside from shouting "WHITE PRIDE WORLDWIDE" they really didn't do anything.

At one point one of them got right up in the face of one of the officers in the barricade and began shouting at him. They were the ones who deserved to be at City Hall. They weren't the violent ones. The officer just kept quiet and let the moron rant away. "That's right, hide behind your sunglasses," he sneered at the cop as he went back to join his friends who were all hiding behind their bandannas.

"We're so full of pride that we're going to hide our faces so no one knows who we are...wait, what?"

And that was it, walk, get blocked, shout and repeat. On and on. I don't know what in the hell these dumbasses were trying to accomplish. "Hey, let's walk around and wave a flag and shout the same slogan over and over for four hours! When we done, we can go back to the clubhouse and circle-jerk!!!"

And you know that last part is true.

Occasionally, some of them would decide to remove all doubt about their lack of intelligence and possible inbred family tree by opening their mouths to speak. "I got laid off from my last job because I don't speak Arabic," boasted some fat slob. I'm sure the fact that you were caught trying to have relations with a Basset Hound didn't help you either. And let's look at his actions right now. Instead of taking the opportunity to look for employment in downtown Calgary, he's going to just walk from one block to another, back and forth for a few hours, shout "WHITE PRIDE WORLDWIDE", show everyone how fat he is and then go home and pass out drunk during a Nascar race, muttering in your sleep, "They took muh job!"

It's fine to hate someone if they're an asshole, but to hate them simply because "der skin is blaak", well it makes me think that random sterilization isn't such a bad idea. Or maybe just for members of Blood and Honour. They must realize that separation of the races is just crazy and the pipe dream of the KKK and Elijah Muhammad. I mean, these people must have watched Star Trek and all the episodes (start video at 2:19) they did about racism or demonstrated that racism was something not tolerated due to it's sheer stupidity.

Wow, with you being unemployed, I'm glad you still have money to spend on the essentials like cigarettes.

Naturally I would have loved to go into full superhero mode and body slam these pussies like I was Hulk Hogan but sadly due to the massive police presence in the area, the odds of escape would not have been in my favour. But if there was one idiot who deserved it, it was a man I nicknamed 'Leprechaun-Nazi Douche'. He was wearing a large Leprechaun hat despite St. Patrick's day having passed. He walked around with Blood and Honour and would say stupid shit like, "You got these people that come from Sudan and they have like eight kids and they start selling drugs and listening to rap music."

Oh right, Mr. Leprechaun-Nazi Douche. Because as we all know, white people never have an abundance of children, listen to rap or do drugs. No, it's all those evil minorities. What was even more sad was that the Blood and Honour people just kinda stood there and accepted it. Eventually Blood and Honour realized that after four hours of walking around they were pretty bored and going to go back to their clubhouse to circle-jerk. Mr. Leprechaun-Nazi Douche went over to the counter-protest side and tried to pick fights with anyone who would give him attention. I last saw him walking down the street all by himself.

"Look, I'm wearing a big leprechaun hat!!! I'm so crazy and original! Please pay attention to me!!! PLEEEEZZZEEE!!!!"

So with the Nazis on their bus and gone, I decided to leave as well since there wasn't going to be anything interesting going on anyway. In closing, I leave you with a picture of a happy police officer and a member of the 4chan community.

"Now that the Nazis are gone I can play paintball! Hell yeah!!!"

I'll just let this one speak for itself

Schweitzer-Man vs the Nazis

"But my Führer, we are Nazis; we have no brains!"

-Nazi Captain in Three Stooges short Back From the Front

Ever since I was a little kid I was fascinated by superheroes and while Batman is my favourite, the first one I remember being exposed to was Superman. I didn't know jack about the whole backstory to him being the last son of a doomed planet until I actually started watching Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman when I was seven. And yeah, I don't care what people say, that was an alright show...until it got dumb of course.

But yeah, it wasn't until I got a bit older that I realized that Superman had been around the time my grandparents were young which is pretty cool. What's also cool is that they incorporated the heroes into the effort against the Nazis in WWII. While it would have been cool to see Superman use his heat vision to slow melt the skin off of Hitler's face, we had to settle for something more suited for the times.

Come on, melt his face! It'll be just like Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Which brings me to what I'm talking about today. I was walking home from the bus stop when I saw a sign attached to a streetlight. Apparently what my history teachers in high school taught me was just a lie because Nazis are alive, well and probably smell twice as bad now as they did in the 30's and 40's. They're holding a White Pride parade and anti-racism march is being planned and I plan to be in attendance with camera in hand.

Nazis piss me off. I remember watching documentaries about hate-groups in high school and most of them were the same story: Fat and friendless in high school, decided to become a Nazi so that way you'll be accepted somewhere blah blah blah. Then they go to prison, meet up with more Nazis, get some stupid tattoos and basically ink themselves so stupidly that it's impossible for them to interact in normal society...like this jackass.

Just the kind of guy you hope your daughter brings home

Naturally with such ignorance out in full force, I could be tempted to unleash my superpowers and beat all up and drop them off at the nearest Jewish doctor's office but instead, I've devised a few ways that you can have fun with Nazis. That's right, fun with Nazis.


1) Bring Three Stooges Videos-If you're going to do this, I recommend Back From the Front or any other sketch where they parody Adolf Hitler and the Nazi party like You Nazty Spy. But if you want to really offend these asshats, then go with Back From the Front.


After all, what's going to piss off some Nazi's more than the story of three Jews who board the S.S. Schiklgruber and easily defeat it's entire crew and dispatching of the captain and his officers by having Moe Howard dress up as Hitler?

"Hang Hitler."

2) Insist that Everybody's Home is Africa-I watched the boxing documentary When We Were Kings about the Ali/Foreman 'Rumble in the Jungle' in Zaire. At one point Foreman can be clearly heard saying, "Africa is the cradle of civilization. Everybody's home is Africa."

Everybody you say? Christ, just try to say that to a Nazi and not have him foaming at the mouth in pure rage.

2A) Ask What their Real Name is-Go the Nation of Islam route. I remember a scene from Malcolm X where he is asked what his real name is by his Muslim preacher. He gives his full name but is then told that that name (Malcolm Little, specifically the surname) is the name of the slave owners who owned his family.

And since everybody's home is Africa...well, for all I know Schweitzer was probably some evil plantation owner in Africa! In fact, I bet that history has twisted his image so that he looks like some great man who won the Nobel Prize. Thank God my family escaped his clutches decades ago! But in escaping, we forgot our true names that were given to us.

Albert Schweitzer: Nobel Prize winner, humanitarian, slave master.

3) Remind them that "Buffalo Bill" was probably a Nazi-Some of you might be aware of this but in The Silence of the Lambs, the transvestite serial killer Buffalo Bill can be seen with a swastika in his bedroom when he's going for his gun. It's one of those 'blink-and-you-miss-it' scenes. Now what the hell a transvestite is doing with a swastika in his/her bedroom really has me scratching my head.

Still, in all reality, these Nazis probably have Buffalo Bill up there with Hitler. We know that even though these Nazis hate anyone who's not white or straight but in all honesty, they wish they could be Buffalo Bill. Hell, this might not make them mad so much as it may help them.

"It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it reads Mein Kampf again."

I'm looking forward to this rally in two weeks. Hopefully I can get some good pictures and some funny stories while I'm there. Stay tuned...

Vacation and the Future

Well, here I am back in my bedroom after a nice (but too brief) trip back home for Christmas holidays. It may have been for five days but in my view it was a matter of quality not quantity. And needless to say, while I may have slept for most of the first day, I certainly made up for it by cooking not only an amazing steak dinner for my family (Tip: When the blood starts to rise, your steak is 'medium') which my Dad praised as being as good as The Keg, but also a bitching minestrone soup that would make any Italian chef weep out of pure envy. My mom helped with that one.

I would put the recipe up but I decided that I'll save that for another post in the new year. Tonight I was supposed to be going into work but it seems that my manager (Who reminds me of what Gordon Ramsay said about some restaurant managers: "They can't even run a bath.") thought that I still had one more day of vacation. So needless to say, I arrived at work, collected my paycheck and promply left.

Mine was like this except a lot more awesome

Christmas was very good this year. I got a lot of books (A sign that the person giving the gift hates you, I've heard) but the ones I've read the most have been the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels that my younger sister got me. I actually enjoyed them more than I thought I originally would though I'm still a bit hesitant about seeing the movie.

It's not that I'm the type who thinks Hollywood ruins everything they touch (They don't have to try hard, though), it's just that I'm not the biggest fan of Michael Cera. Yes, he's Canadian like me, I'm sure he's very talented but...his voice. My sisters at the age of 12 sounded more masculine than he does.

Michael Cera in "Scott Pilgrim VS Puberty"!

But my stay at home isn't going to be very long. In a little more than a week I'll be flying out to Las Vegas with Aaron and another friend of his. It was something we had talked about over beer which I thought wouldn't happen for another couple of years. However since he's getting married in June, he's decided that now is the right time to do it before he ruins his life.

At the moment there aren't too many plans for once we arrive. Gamble a little, see the sights, take in a show (Penn and Teller, if possible) and battle sobriety among other activities. I was hoping that there might be a boxing event that weekend in Vegas but no such luck.

Viva this place!

I'm also thinking of getting a place of my own sometime before the year is through. While I do enjoy living here because of how close everything is, it would be nice to have my own kitchen and occasionally not have to try to sleep through the sounds of crying babies or barking dogs. However I've got quite a lot of time to work all that out.

Back Home...by that I mean Calgary

After a week in humid Ontario, I'm back in my comfortable basement apartment, munching on a late meal of Burger King. It was a nice, relaxing time with my family but it has made me come to the conclusion that no one in my family has much luck when it comes to flying. Now granted, I did have trouble getting into Toronto last Saturday but goddammit, I saw something on the wing trying to sabotage us! I don't care if William Shatner is the only one who believes me, it happened.

The next time Shatner looked at something this horrible, he watched Star Trek: Generations

Not much has changed in the neighborhood where I grew up except that there are a lot more windmills around than the last time I was there. In fact, there were no windmills. Holy crap were there a lot of them. Sad thing was none of them were moving.

"They look like TIE Fighters," observed my dad as we were driving into Essex.
Ooh, nice try to nerd it up, Dad, but to the more experienced and seasoned dork, these windmills clearly look more like Shuttle Tydirium from Return of the Jedi.

This looks like the windmills in Essex County...

...while this does not.

It was nice to see my whole family on both sides as well considering that closest I get to a family are the few glimpses I get of my landlords now that I work midnights and their two babies who will jabber non stop if you let them though when they do it's quite funny.

One thing that I really missed (to the amazement of my cousin who couldn't have cared less) was the discussions that my father's side of the family has with each other. It leads to arguments, clashes of ideology and philosophy, statements that if captured on film would prevent any member of my family from running for office. But in the end it all ends with us hugging, saying goodbye and treasuring the time that we have together.

Of course my mother had to cry at the airport. To throw fuel on the fire that was her sorrow I was tempted to bring along a baby picture to show off my divine cuteness but decided not to risk it considering she would claim I was an Al-Qaeda operative and that it wasn't an alarm clock I was bring back, just to keep me a little longer.

How could you say 'goodbye' to that face?

"I'll miss cooking with you," she sobbed. One thing about both sides of my family is that we know good food and we know how to make it. My last night consisted off a turkey dinner to make up for all the holidays I had misssed. However, I do plan to get back this December in time for Christmas.

Not your standard Saturday night dinner but that's why my family kicks ass

Be a NINJA!!!!!

I was at the gym recently and as I was leaving I saw a flyers on the desk that I had overlooked before. Always looking for new reading material, I picked it up and saw the following explanation in the top right corner:

Ninjutsu: Ninjutsu was developed as a collection of fundamental survivalist techniques in the warring states of feudal Japan.

My first immediate thought was, "Ninjas live in Calgary?" and wondering if this was foreshadowing to me entering a time vortex and getting sucked back in feudal Japan so that I could keep the entire cast of The Last Samurai from crying at the end of the movie.

"Oh, hai."

Some of you may think I'm going to start knocking martial arts but the truth is I'm not. I have great respect for it considering that Bruce Lee is one of my idols. But I'm just taking a look at the flyer and examining what else it explains about this course.
Well, it seems that before you can get to Ninjutsu, you first must conquer the five levels of Taijutsu.

Well, wait a minute, isn't that the biggest tease ever. You lure people in by telling that you're going to train them to be a ninja...only after they've mastered another form of fighting. OK, let's examine the five levels.

A moment most Chuck Norris fans would like to forget

Level 1: Earth-This is where you learn the foundation of your training with physical exercise, basic punches and kicks, rolling, and dodging

Why would you roll if you can dodge? For that matter, when have you ever seen anyone actually roll on the ground when fighting...aside from those near-homoerotic moments in UFC. The only time I can recall someone rolling in a fight was Bruce Lee and that was when he had a whole Japanese dojo charging at him before he bitch-slapped them with his nunchuks.

Level 2: Water-In water, you learn to be flexible, to "go with the flow", soft strikes, leadership and basic grappling

You know, you could have just used (again) Bruce Lee's famously quoted, "Be water, my friend" speech. Would have been so much cooler


Level 3: Fire-Fire is all about independence; where you start to take what you have learned and make it fit your body type. Fast and explosive is the training method for this level and to learn the meaning of full commitment

That's fire? OK, you better hope a lot of people who sign up aren't people who have seen Naruto otherwise you're going to have some pissed off anime nerds on your hands.

Maybe he's a dragon and not a ninja...

Level 4: Wind-Getting into distance fighting, and reading body language, to learn how to anticipate the next move, and how to talk your way out of a situation with the confidence to back it up

Bruce Lee wouldn't have walked away...I'm just sayin'...

Level 5: Void-Void is where it all starts to come together. Combining all 4 levels and learning the history of the system, to prepare you for your Black Belt.

Void? Sorry, just seems like kind of an empty title (Ha...ha). Especially if it's the level where you bring everything together

Hey, hold on a second! Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Void...sounds kinda familiar. You know what, if you substituted "Heart" for "Void", that sounds like something out of a bad Ted Turner environmental cartoon show.

Now this class makes sense to me. You learn these five stages and combine them to make you start your path to being a ninja. So let's just call the fifth level Heart because to me that makes more sense. So, Earth, Water, Fire, Wind and Heart.
When the five Levels combine, they summon Earth's greatest champion:
NINJA CAPTAIN PLANET!!!

All kidding aside, the course does sound interesting and if I wasn't so lazy at times, had reliable transportation and wasn't such a boxing fanatic that commitment to any other sports seems like heresy. Besides, I think just learning the five levels of taijutsu would be enough. I mean, in freakin' Calgary, do you think we have a need for ninjas?

Also, if I'm in a fight, do you think your opponent is going to give you time to remember what pocket you left your shuriken in?

"Hi, I'm Naruto, and I have the most unrealistic outfit related to my profession since April O'Neil. Believe it!!!

The Flying J-ack of All Trades

I'll be honest and admit that I wanted to quit after my first day at Flying J. And after the second day...then after the first week...you can see where this is going.

But that was back in the middle of November and by some force of willpower, determination and perhaps divine intervention I'm still there. And keep in mind, I've had maybe 30 minutes worth of training. That's right, despite being there since November, I've not completed any of my J-Training (That's what they call it) which is required by all employees.

But lately I've been getting a lot of notice from people higher in the Flying J food chain. Last week my manager (Who shall be known as K) pulled me aside just before my shift was to start and threw me into a room with a lady from head office.

"Yeah, just talk," instructed K as he left the room.

Both and I the woman from corporate (Let's call her CL-for Corporate Lady!) felt a bit awkward because I don't think either of us knew what this was about or what we were supposed to say. We just stood there for 10 seconds until I decided to break the ice with some lame ass humour.

"My hobbies include cooking, reading, boxing...and even though I don't look like it, I do like to lift weights," which earned a laugh though whether it was genuine or not doesn't matter. It turns out that she wanted to see me because apparently I'm getting a lot of praise, not just from other employees but from customers as well.

You know, while I am appreciative of positive feedback, I would really like it if it was said to my face instead via proxy. I mean, it pisses me off when people talk shit behind my back, imagine how annoying it is when they're saying good things behind your back.

I could sort of tell though that I was progressing a lot quicker than people who had been hired months before I started. Right now I work at the fuel desk, the restaurant as a cashier and shortly I'm going to be getting training to dispense propane...though I have a feeling that's unlikely. It really is quite a juggling act. I've got to go to fuel desk, then relieve restaurant cashier for her two breaks and half hour lunch as well as do my best to maintain the store cleanliness. Also I've been put into the position of head cashier, which means that on top of taking an inventory of all cigarettes and cash, if there are no managers around, the buck stops with me. Which also makes it very awkward when some dillhole comes screaming about something I don't know about because I haven't been trained in that area. My advanced apologies to Mr. and Mrs. Dickhead.

Yeah, it also seems that I have good customer relation skills. Which isn't that surprising to me. I've always worked good with people who aren't assholes and who have the patience to let me help them. One time I had to call a credit card company to correct something that went wrong with a female trucker's transaction. I spent about 15 minutes on the phone and genuinely felt bad for the lady because if this wasn't corrected, she would have to pay for the fuel and not get reimbursed by her company. When I was all done I just leaned in on the counter and said, "Listen, even though this wasn't my fault (It wasn't-someone else made the mistake), I still feel bad about this happening and the whole waiting process. If you want, just go to the fountain drink, get whatever drink you want in whatever sized cup you want-it's on me."
She seemed really surprised and satisfied with this result and in a way, it satisfied me too.

A lot of people I work with don't know how to deal with people. One night a few weeks ago, one of my cashiers had a customer at his till. The customer had given the cashier (who shall be known as G) the money and if he had offered a penny, he wouldn't get a buttload of change back. However he did not have a penny. Usually in these cases, I just shrug it off, throw a penny of my own in there or just pretend that I threw a penny in there. Because when they check our numbers at the end of the day, a penny isn't going to sound a lot of alarms. Instead, G-who can be a real dick if he wants to be-decided not to offer a penny. I was very close to walking down to his till myself and throwing a penny but by that point it was too late. The customer was furious (I can understand his point of view-It's a fucking penny, G!) and vowed never to return. Instead of ignoring what he said, G retorted with how his till had to balance at the end of his shift or he would get in trouble (Again-It's a fucking penny, G!). The customer cursed G out to which G replied loudly, "Eat shit, sir!"

Either G was just being an asshole on purpose or he's worried about pennies that badly. K was there to hear the last few words and later spoke to me about it because he was just surprised at what happened. He seemed to be more on the customer's side than G which didn't surprise me because it's a fucking penny! Plus he should have really said something to G about telling a customer to eat shit. If that customer was mentally unstable or just a bigger dickhead than average, G would most likely be trying to fight off the customer and I think it's safe to assume that G can't fight to save his life. In fact if you hear a grown man ask the question, "Who do you like more, Liza Minelli or Judy Garland" then I think we can assume that he can't fight at all. Maybe like a girl but that doesn't count too much.
Bad customers cannot be sworn at. You've got to be firm with them and at the same time, very calm. I'm studying a lot of Marco Pierre White's techniques on this.

Right now there's a lot of hinting that I might be up for promotion as soon as my 90 days are through (Trust me it's felt a lot longer than 90 days already). Now what is involved in this promotion, I have no idea, I intend to ask K about it. But if it means more money, then maybe I'll stay longer than I thought I would

Sick

I usually don't get sick around this time of year. It always happens in the new year, around January or February.

The Big Chill

Calgary is cold. There is no question about that. The chill cuts through your skin and goes straight through to the bone, sending a shiver throughout your whole body. It's gotten to the point where it's so cold that I hardly go out for something unless it becomes necessary for my survival. However, every morning I must drag myself out of bed and begin a twenty minute trek from my house to the train station-just two minutes from Aaron's house. When I stayed at Aaron's, I knew that I could get that extra few minutes of sleep because I could quickly put on my uniform, be out the door aboard the train in less than five minutes and didn't spend too long exposed to the elements. I could enjoy the comfort of the air mattress and the softness of the pillow. These days, I awaken to find that I can't spare any time in my sweat lodge of a room and have to take off immediately. The wind easily penetrates my uniform pants and makes the hair stand up on edge (Long underpants no longer seem like a novelty item to have). While this may sound strange, I can sometimes feel the hair inside my nostril go rigid when breathing through my nose. My jacket keeps my upper body warm enough however the gloves I bought recently were not designed for a winter quite like this so I think a thicker pair are in order. Just today I finally bout a toque for my long suffering ears (Obama would hate it here) and it already feels like a different walk. I might buy a ski mask should the weather continue to get colder (All the while some retard continues to go on about "climate change") which could also help me in my part time job of breaking into the houses of people I know I can beat the crap out of (elderly people; midgets).

Eating Shit and The Secret of Simplicity

I have money problems, sad as it is to admit. While I am financially good now, until I get my paycheck next Thursday (the day I don't work), I have to, as my father put it over the phone, 'eat shit'. This isn't him being cruel. It's him saying, "You know how important money is to you now that you're living on your own. You're going to scrape by for the next five days so try not to starve yourself." I think that ever since I moved back home from Waterloo, I had forgotten what it was like in those early weeks when I had little to no money. While that may sound depresssing to some, for me, that was one of the best years of my life. I discovered the secret of simplicity and how you didn't have to spend big to get the full amount of flavour. I could get discount steaks which my sister's then boyfriend at the time, Jon, nearly orgamsed over because of the flavour. A decent sized box of cookies (Which everyone else called crap) for ninety-nine cents. The grandest dessert for me however were red delicious apples. Dinner would be a cup of Mr. Noodle or the Kraft Easy-Mac which drove Stephanie up the wall (as well as the cup of Frosted Flakes I would by every morning as I left work). I didn't go overboard with soda because I got it for free every night at 7-Eleven, as well as the fact that I am a master at making Kool-Aid which comes much cheaper (The secret to good Kool-Aid is the stirring of the mixture). I remember one night as I left the store after working the dreadful afternoon shift (3:00PM-11:00PM) with a Mega Gulp of root beer to come home and see that Stephanie had fixed me a dinner of steak, baked potato and asparagus. A simple meal, nothing special to it but it was delicious and one of the few meals that I remember vividly. Next few days should be interesting

Housing and Gastronomy and Transportation-OH MY!!!

I've been in my new room for almost a week and I must say that I really love the privacy that I have. The whole floor is basically mine though my landlords usually use the basement for exercise and all that. I must say that even though I'm getting a nice supper almost every evening (though not tonight nor tomorrow), I really wish I had my own kitchen.

Movin' on Down

 OK, while my new place may not be up to the standard of George and Wheezie. Again, I seem to be lodging in a computer room which might lead to some problems but I don't see that happening. A king size bed is nice as well as my own bathroom though it's not on the same floor. Still, I long for the day where I have my own kitchen where I can create some of Gordon Ramsay's masterpieces as well as not having to worry about being too loud for other people living in the house. That and if I had my own place I could enforce my "Clothing Optional" policy when alone. Which leads to my roommates. I live with a nice young couple and their two kids. Twins, a boy and girl, 14 months old. For little kids they sure weren't the most talkative. I remember how my neighbour's grandkids would jabber on for hours and hours when they were that age. These ones just stared at me, wondering who I was and why I was there to begin with. Later on before going to bed, the little boy watched me in amazement as I bounced a ball back and forth between my hands. I'm told that they have a tendency to bite things so I'll have to be careful. The longer walk to the train station in the mornings is probably going to be best described as a bitch but there's not much else I can do about that except request that I start a little bit later than 6:30AM but at the moment, considering the staffing problems we have already at work and how things seem to go to shit whenever my shift is always done, early mornings work just fine.

New Room

No longer confined to the stamp-book sized room of a Travelodge hotel, I'm now lodging in the computer room of Aaron and Katelyn's home. 

It's a nice warm room which is perfect considering that the outside has turned into a winter wonderland...in fall. I've been applying to jobs, hoping to get employment anywhere. My dad said that I have two weeks which is fine with me.

If I don't find anything here, I'm more than likely to move out to the Northwest as a last ditch effort. Sure to everyone else it might sound like prison but think about how many people have gone to prison and came out better? Not enjoying this weather too much but it's tolerable so long as I have a hat and gloves. Other than that, not much else to report. Plan on making my special veggie and meat sauce sometime this week (probably Thursday) in some way to show my thanks and keep myself busy.