A Big Fan

 

Aliens

Like most people, if I think about something long enough it'll usually end up in my dreams. Last month I all of a sudden got on some big kick about Alien and it's sequel Aliens. While babysitting Lyle for Aaron and Katelynn that same month I was excited to come home and find that Alien would be on one of their channels. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the channel it would be airing on was unavailable on their cable package. Yeah, one of my favourite movies of all time was unavailable but thank God Katelynn had subscribed to the Oprah Winfrey Network so I could watch The Gayle King Show.

But yeah, I would have dreams that the Aliens (or Xenomorphs as they are commonly called) were attacking and I was usually caught in the middle. One dream they didn't even show up. There was some crisis on Earth, a massive Xenomorph infestation. Economies were in worse shape then they are today (I recall telling a person in the dream that the money he had would soon be worthless) and most people were armed just in case something came popping out of someone's chest.

I always thought this is what happened when you drank the water in Mexico...

The second dream was a lot more brief. All I knew was that I was in some sort of facility, working on a computer and all of a sudden there are a bunch of Xenomorphs in the room. While a normal human being would be pretty boned by the situation, I somehow managed to make it out and to a car where I promptly realized that the entire human race was pretty much screwed.

Two nights ago there was a non-alien related dream...though it was a bit related to a scene in Alien. I imagined I was in the crawlspaces of a massive spaceship. Every time I stopped moving, the shafts would start moving around, changing directions; almost like I was navigating a Rubik's cube that would change every few seconds.

The weird thing is that for some reason this dream has me wanting to watch Blade Runner for the first time in probably 10 years.

Calgary Expo 2011

After missing the Calgary Expo last year due to my bosses being complete assholes and changing my schedule at the last minute, I was determined to make it this year. While I do count myself as a big nerd, I wasn't about to dress up for several reasons:

A) I do not own a costume or Starfleet uniform

B) I really don't want the attention.

However I did want to show that I was a part of the community and thus wore my Green Lantern t-shirt, despite the fact that I don't care at all about Green Lantern and find his weakness to be laughable at best.

So off I went, on the C-Train after arriving home at work and failing to get in a quick cat-nap. As I rode, I saw that I couldn't see anyone cos-playing but quite a lot of people with weekend passes. And since I wasn't too familiar with where I was going, I just decided that I would follow someone and do my best not to look like a tourist in a city I've lived in for almost two years.

Entering the convention reminded me of that scene in 2001: A Space Odyssey where Bowman reaches the monolith and says, "My god, it's full of stars" and is then exposed to a screensaver (Can you explain to me what I'm watching in that movie?). However instead of stars, it was just nerds. And yet it was so awesome. I was overwhelmed by the numbers and I was expecting a lot of people to show. This is what happens when you say that Star Trek is better than Star Wars out loud

I knew that there was a lot of stuff to see but at the same time I was just so overwhelmed by the people I saw. On my left I saw Robocop looking through comic books from the fifties while a guy in a Superman costume handled a boa constrictor. On my right, a ninja from the Villiage Hidden in the Leaves shopped shuriken (Throwing stars). It was like I had travelled into a modern day version of the Mos Eisley Spaceport. Every life form from pop-culture converged on that large area and were all cool with each other. Even though I was tired from being up all night before, I suddenly got a surge of energy that would carry me through the day.

One of the first booths I wanted to check out was for Blind Ferret Entertainment, a Montreal based group which produces the webcomics Least I Could Do, Looking for Group and Gutters. I don't read Looking for Group but the other two I keep up to date with. While LICD may not be for everyone (You'll be offended eventually and most likely laugh at the same time in the back of your mind), I find it enjoyable and decided to pick up a volume of their work.

Now you might be saying, "Uh, Schweitzer-Man, you can read every strip online...for free!" True, but I like that the book came with creator commentary on the strips. And besides, I get a free reusable bag out of the deal, so we all win. Plus I got it autographed by writer Ryan Sohmer and artist Lar DeSouza.
Least I Could Do is about a narcissist who uses his charm, humour and vivid imagination as much as possible to enjoy life. Why are you all looking at me like that?

Now of course the big deal about this convention was the the one and only, two time Emmy winner, Golden Globe winner and of course, the man who put the "star" in Star Trek, William Shatner was going to be there. And if Shatner is going to be there, then there's going to be a massive lineup for his autograph. And if Shatner is giving autographs...then you're going to be paying a lot. I think I heard that it was $40 for just a picture with him and $75 if I wanted an autograph.

Considering that the man is still able to get work these days, I have to wonder why I should have to pay for his signature? Now, if the money is going to a good cause (Which I like to think), then I'm pretty cool with it. However I heard from someone that Shatner wasn't really interacting with people; that he was just signing the photos and moving on. Now should I ever get rich and famous (Support this cause by giving me lots of money!), one thing I'll do if I'm ever at a convention, is not only sign what you want my autograph on, but also take a few seconds to talk to you. "Hey, how's it going? Enjoying your day? Favourite episode is...?"
The reason these people got where they are is due to the fans.

This was the closest I got to getting a picture of William Shatner

However after hours of wandering around, I saw there were lineups to get photos and autographs from voice actors. I was initially going to get one from Vic Mingnona but didn't at the last minute mainly because I can only think of one anime he'd been in and that was Full Metal Panic.

However, I did see one voice actor's name and instantly knew that even if I had to face a thousand Klingons, I would get Maurice LaMarche's autograph for my dad. Back in the mid-90's, there were awesome cartoons on at the time. Animaniacs being one as well as it's spin-off show, Pinky and the Brain. Now my dad's pretty old school about animation. If it doesn't involve anything that includes the voices of Mel Blanc then he honestly couldn't give a shit. You could show him the lastest English dubbed anime from Japan but he would much rather watch Foghorn Leghorn smack that dumb dog on the ass with a stick. My dad could probably look at this picture all day and laugh

However, he loved to watch Pinky and the Brain. He would listen to the Brain insult people, things, Pinky and would laugh his ass off. One of his favourite moments is when Brain super-imposes a picture of himself on a horse with Pinky's head and says, "Here I am atop the beast of ignorance." So when I saw that Maurice LaMarche was not only going to be signing autographs and posing for autographs for free, I instantly got in line and waited forty-five minutes.

It was worth it because I had some interesting conversations with other fans as well as heard some gay guy lisping about how he didn't know anything about Pinky and the Brain.

"Oh, isn't that the show where there's like a grumpy mouse and a happy mouse?" he mused.

I would have smacked the stupid out of him right then and then however I was getting closer to Maurice.

"I'm not sure if this will be safe for Slimer," he said as Egon from The Real Ghostbusters. As I got closer and closer, I started to feel a bit nervous. Granted I wasn't meeting Shatner but this was the next best thing.

Maurice shook my hand, smiled and couldn't have been nicer, even breaking out the voice of The Brain to say a word to my father. If you want to check it out, just follow this link. Part of me wishes I had said a little more to him but I didn't want to sound like some blabbering fanboy. However, if there's anything I regret not saying, it's that my younger sister used the song Brainstem to study in her nursing program."Hello, I'm Maurice LaMarche and I'm awesome. YES!!!"

I thought about getting into the line for Rob Paulsen (He did the voice of Pinky and a lot of other characters) but that was three times as long and I was lucky to get to the front of mine early. No, I would have to wait another time. One thing I also regret missing was a panel Maurice, Rob and Jess Harnell (The voice of Wakko) took place in. Apparently they took turns doing William Shatner impressions and did other things too. I have no idea if anyone asked Rob to recite Yakko's World but I've seen video of him doing it before and that would have been cool to see.

I kept wandering around with no clear goal in mind. As the final hour approached, I got near the autograph section again and saw that there was a very short lineup to get an autograph from Jonathan Frakes, who played Commander Riker on Star Trek: The Next Genearation and also hosted Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction, which was sort of like a modern day Twilight Zone or Alfred Hitchcock Presents. This I couldn't pass up, especially since in the third grade, I wrote a brief explination to a magazine, explaining why Riker was my favourite character. Looking back at that letter, I can say that it's poorly written and I only picked Riker because all the characters were my favourite. But it still got published anyway.

Regretfully, I wasn't allowed to film my encounter with Frakes but he was nice, shook my hand, signed my picture and thanked me for coming out. I didn't mind shilling out $20 for that. By that point, fatigue was beginning to set in. I could write a whole other paragraph or five about my adventures with Calgary transit, however I expect you're pretty tired from reading this already. All in all, it was a great time, I'll be going back in 2012 and getting a weekend pass.Probably my favourite picture I took that day. I don't know why but it feels like a perfect representation of this convention

Vegas Vacation: Coles Notes Edition

Normally, I could bombard you with a recap of my trip to Las Vegas with a summary so detailed that Tom Clancy would find it longwinded but instead, I'll just go in point form:

• Walking in -30 weather with howling wind is a bitch.
  
  
• Getting to the gate for the flight was one long maze of lines, scans, questions and bullshit that seem so easy to get around that it's a miracle there aren't more terrorist attacks in North America.
  
  
• Aaron's friend Oleg is a nice guy despite living in Edmonton. He and Aaron met on the internet and at this point, I'll allow you to make your own To Catch a Predator joke.
  
  
• Aaron claims he wants to get back into boxing which shocked the hell out of me. I plan to sell him my heavybag for five times what it's worth.
  
  
• Flights can suck ass when you wait an hour on the runway for them to de-ice the plane. Seriously, a whole hour just waiting. A word of advice to any people who want to fly out when it's really cold: Pre-drink.
  
  Flight 547 to Las Vegas is now boozing
  
  
• Nearly suffered heatstroke once we landed in Vegas.
  
  
• Our hotel was right across from Caesar's Palace. Sadly, it was not as extravagant. Did have a better buffet though.
  
  Breakfast of champions
  
  
• Heavy drinking was one of the activities we lined up for ourselves however it was probably a bad idea to eat only two hot dogs before downing drink after drink after drink.
  
  
• I can understand people visiting Las Vegas but for the life of me I can't understand how anyone can live there.
  
  
• Four Loco is an alright drink for the first few sips but after that it's like punch at a high-school dance that someone spiked way too much.
  
  No es bueno
  
  
• We didn't stay up all night partying unlike the people below us however I'm very certain that when it was all done they played 'That's All Folks' from Bugs Bunny.
  
  
• We spent our first night looking for a strip club but when that didn't work we tried looking for the buffet in our hotel which was even more pathetic considering we kept walking past the stairway.
  
  
• It was probably a good thing though since we were so wasted that we would have been thrown out.
  
  
• Aaron came up with the good idea of going to The Gun Store so we can shoot stuff. It sounded like a good idea so we went.
  
  Special discounts for children and psychopaths
  
  
• You know how in the movies someone who has never fired a gun before will pick one up and turn into Clint Eastwood. Yeah, that's a load of shit.
  
  
• I was having a hard time deciding which gun to shoot however I ended up picking the Baretta, just like Robert Blake.
  
  
• There were many targets to choose from and I decided to go with a zombie clown. Aaron took the zombie soldier (Headshots were a must) and Oleg took one that had two bad guys on it. The taller guy was pointing a gun and screaming and the guy in front of him looked like that midget from Fantasy Island.
  
  "What did I ever do to you, Oleg?"
  
  
• The people who work at The Gun Shop were packing heat at all times. Aaron even saw on the website that if you didn't drop the gun when they told you to, that they would shoot you.
  
  
• Apparently Katelynn doesn't like guns. The Gun Store employee deemed her a 'hippie'.
  
  
• Aaron probably did the best out of the three of us. I was only lucky to manage one headshot on my Zombie Clown. However, truth be told, I had to hold back lest my identity as a former assassin be uncovered.
  
  
• After shooting our loads (So to speak) we went back to the hotel for a bit and then decided to do more sightseeing. I mentioned how Mandalay Bay had a boxing museum that I was interested in checking out. And since we could get buzzed along the way, off we went.
  
  
• As I mentioned earlier, just because it looks close doesn't mean that it really is. We walked, drank, drank, walked, stopped to drink, stopped to pee and then drink some more before walking a lot more.
  
  
• I felt kinda bad for Aaron and Oleg because they're not boxing dorks like I was and yet here we were, busting our asses just to get to Mandalay Bay for a museum. At one point I told them that they could go back to the hotel and rest (And drink some more) but they insisted we stick together.
  
  
• If I didn't wear the camera strap around my neck, Aaron would owe me a new camera. He decided it would be funny to poke my ribs while I tried to focus in on a shot. Naturally had the camera been damaged, I would have had to kill him but thankfully, this was not the case.
  
  Aaron caused me to take this...
  
  ...when I was going for this.
  

• The Mandalay Bay fight museum was...smaller than I had expected. And naturally, I almost got us kicked out within ten seconds of entering because I didn't notice the 'No Cameras' sign.
  

• I don't see the harm in me taking a picture of De la Hoya's trunks he wore against Vargas but if those are the rules...
  
  
• Was a bit disapointed that most of the stuff was actually up for sale. I mean, yeah in hindsight it might be cool to own some small part of boxing history. But to have it for sale in a museum? Just didn't sit right with me.
  
  
• Surprised they didn't have any Manny Pacquiao shirts for sale for $10. I would bought one and started wearing it right then and there.
  
  
• From there it was more walking but this time back to the hotel. Thankfully there were trams that could take us from hotel to hotel but sometimes it felt like we were doing the same amount of walking.
  
  
• You'd think we would have been tired after all this walking but once we rested our feet back at the hotel, we decided we would head to one of the strip clubs we couldn't find before. And since we had free passes, we'd be kinda dumb to not use them.
  
  
• "Little Darlings" sounds like a strip club that features midgets. Oddly enough, one guy did offer us passes to Larry Flynt's strip club which features naked midget mud wrestling. Pass.
  
  Hold your breath. Make a wish. Count to three.
  
  
• We weren't even in the club for two minutes and already Oleg was being felt up. Sadly it was by security after he kept setting off the metal detector.
  
  
• We were greatly disapointed that the strip club didn't even serve alcohol. Instead they offered us soft drinks. Cause everyone knows nothing goes better with a lap dance than Mountain Dew.
  
  
• There was one dancer named Pink who I swear had the upper body of a twelve year old boy. However she made up for her lack of boobies by...humping somebody's baseball hat. I'm not kidding. The guy didn't look to happy about it either.
  

• If you want to read more about what happened at the strip club, pick up this month's issue of Penthouse.
  
  
• I was enjoying the scene but for some reason, when receiving a lap dance, I wanted to burst out and sing, "I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts".
  
  
• I don't understand why guys think they have to buy souveniers for their girlfriends. Seriously, they'll get over it. Besides, do you think they'll be envious of the crabs you picked up from that stripper and how there wasn't any left for her?
  
  
• Every time I said, "That's my last beer," I was being handed another one. And I drank it.
  
  
• Yes there is footage of me shotgunning a beer. Yes, Aaron and Oleg are full of crap when they say I only did about 1/4 of it, it was more like 3/4 (I would know, I was the one drinking). And yes, I did throw up for over a minute. OK, it wasn't like a minute long puke or anything. Think of it like puking in segments.
  And no, I will not upload it.
  
  
• After the first one Oleg asked, "Did you throw up?" despite being the one holding the camera and pointing it right at me.
  
  
• Even though they were laughing at my expense and I told them, "I fucking hate you guys", I still had a smile on my face.
  
  All the beers I drank
  
  
• Halfway through my barf Aaron told me to finish my beer however I had already put the can down and chances are that I puked on that as well as the balcony.
  
  
• It was funny that immediately after throwing up everything I had eaten up to that point, the next thing I wanted to do was get back to the buffet.
  
  
• I suck at gambling
  
  
• Last day was kind of bittersweet. It was a nice vacation but like all good ones it felt too short and we knew that we were leaving nice warm weather to go back to hell frozen over.
  
  
• If I ever go back to Vegas, I think it will have to be the weekend of a big fight.
  
  
• Viva Las Vegas

More Kitchen Nightmares

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I'm trying to remember everything I ate/sampled/tasted yesterday but nothing is coming up as something that would make me sick. After waking up much earlier than usual, I went back to sleep and my fever induced brain decided to produce another Hell's Kitchen nightmare for me. Though this time, Gordon Ramsay actually made an appearance...and cursed me out.

"Stop having nightmares about me; I've never met you, you DONKEY!"

I'm guessing that this must have been the first episode of the new season because based on the job I did in my dream, it would be a miracle if I made it to three episodes. First off, the kitchen looked nothing like it did on TV. In fact, it looked more like the dining room considering all the other chefs were sitting at tables and in booths.

So anyway, the maitre'd, Jean Philippe, came to the pass and dropped off the order. Either I had already pissed off Ramsay or this was a test but he demanded that I read out the first order. I was a bit nervous about the whole thing and to make matters worse, I couldn't read what was on the ticket. I once heard that it is impossible to read in a dream but I've been able make out words clearly before. However, tonight wasn't the case.

After getting impatient over my sudden case of illiteracy, Ramsay snatched the ticket out of my hand and snarled that he would read it himself. However while I was ready to listen, the rest of the kitchen was just sitting in thier booths and at the tables, chattering away while I was trying to get them to be quiet.

Suddenly Ramsay turned towards the dining room. "Ladies and gentlemen," he shouted, "if you'd kindly shut the fuck up for twenty seconds, I would like to get the first order out."
It was the first time I'd seen Ramsay yell at customers for making too much noise but, hey, it's his kitchen; I'll let him yell at whomever he likes.

"Look, I'm very sorry for yelling at you. It happened in a fever
induced dream. Now fuck off."

Normally on Hell's Kitchen, the appetizers consist of stuff like scallops, spaghetti of lobster, Ceasar salad but Ramsay called for "Two pear salads away."
Like most new contestants on the show, I didn't know the menu so the words "pear salad" were making no sense to me. What was also making no sense to me was that my section consisted of a small reception table that you usually see as you walk into a restaurant. I probably should have clued in that this was a dream at this point but my mind was focused on my work.

"Where's the lettuce?" I asked. It seemed that this poorly designed kitchen lacked all the things that makes a kitchen what it is. I was able to find the lettuce and get it into the bowls but then I noticed something was missing. No pears.

Never fear, however, since I quickly found a pear and began to slice it very thinly. Why? I have no idea. Remember, this was a fever induced dream. So anyway, I've got the salads ready and then Chef Ramsay comes over to see if they're up to standar.

Without saying a word he picked up one bowl and threw it against the wall, sending lettuce and pear everywhere. So much for the words 'never fear'. However instead of shouting at me, all of a sudden this other fat chef is getting a verbal beatdown from Ramsay. It was at this point that I started to realize, "Hey, something's aren't making sense here" and decided to bolt.

Switch It Off!

I keep missing episodes of Kitchen Nightmares and I can't find any of them on Youtube or any other video streaming website so lately I've just been catching anything Ramsay I can get my hands on.

Couple nights ago I had a dream that I was actually on Hell's Kitchen as a contestant. Don't know why the producers decided to put me on considering the most experience I have in the kitchen was a brief stint as a dishwasher and cooking for myself. Those are the contestants I hate to see on the show. When you're 40, never worked in a professional kitchen but think that playing Mr. Mom (No man with any self-respect should call themself that) qualifies you to be a head chef at a billion dollar casino, then you're about as crazy as some bald eunuch who calls himself a Jedi.

After being eliminated from Hell's Kitchen, contestant Jason Underwood moved to England where he went from sous chef to unemployed Jedi Knight

But it seems that I had made it past the first episode since I was actually doing a challenge (They never do those on the first episode) and the challenge was to cut a whole chicken into eight pieces (Thigh, thigh, wing, wing, drum, drum, breast, breast).

So I went at my chicken and thought I was doing a pretty good job when all of a sudden time was up. Time to present Chef Ramsay with my butchery and see if I'm up to his standard. However as another of my team was up for scrutinizing, something horrible just occurred to me: My chicken has vanished. All the parts that I had cut up were gone. I was looking around for it, wondering if anyone had moved it away. And at this point I'm starting to panic.

Yeah, deep down, I'm sure that Gordon Ramsay is a nice guy who really likes to have a good time but I know that when you're screwing up risotto or under cooking a beef Wellington that he's pretty intimidating. However the dream quickly ended before he could get to me. What's even weirder was that I don't even remember seeing Ramsay to begin with

"A Hell's Kitchen dream without me? GET OUT!!!!"

Insomnia's a Bitch

It is 3:46AM and I can't sleep. At all. In fact I don't even think I'm tired which is pretty sad.

During my work week, I don't get a lot of sleep even when I know I should. I can't help it but I just can't seem to fall asleep or sometimes I will fall asleep only to be awoken by a dream about work. There are moments where I'm laying in bed, thinking that I'm at my till with an irate customer in front of me and my computer is crashing. Part of me knows that this is just my subconscious fucking around with me and the other half is doing my best to regain control of the situtation I'm dreaming about. And at some point I'll realize it's all real and then I'll say something in the dream that I end up saying outloud in my sleep. It's something I do every so often.
Getting back to my sleep. Whenever I start my two days off (My weekend, so to speak) I sleep in. I'll set my alarm but I'll ignore it and continue my peaceful slumber to the point where it's almost noon when I wake up. Some people might say, "What a waste of half a day" but it's mine to waste.

So after waking up past noon today, I find myself tossing and turning and I don't think any remedy is going to cure me of my small bout of insomnia. I suppose I could go and do a shift at Flying J but the only way I'm going there on my day off is if...actually I can't think of a good reason.

I went to the gym for the first time in months yesterday. As feared, I'm out of shape. The routine I did back in Ontario kept me in the best shape I could ever hope to be but now I can barely do that without feeling ill. The ten minute run I started with also didn't go too well which is sad considering I used to run over 3K every night in the summer.

Aaron and I briefly discussed the possibilities of working out again like old times however that might be difficult given our schedules but I'm hoping that it'll work out. He hasn't worked out in forever so I might take pity on him and let him borrow my gym card so he can squeeze in a workout or two.

Pot and Crab Meat?

One of my favourite reality series (before it went to shit) was The Apprentice with Donald Trump. We used to watch it in business class when I was in high school and we would discuss it afterwards. Found a channel on youtube that has most of the episodes I remember back in the day. 

 Last night I had a dream that I was in New York City, on The Apprentice. I'm pretty sure it wasn't Celebrity Apprentice because I didn't recognize any of my teammates (Though maybe that means it was Celebrity Apprentice) and our task, not really having to do anything with business, but just to see who could get more people to sign a petition. I guess whoever was Team Leader decided that ours had to involve the legalization to sell marijuana and crab meat in the same package. Don't ask me what sense that made, I still can't figure that shit out.