Fangasm

I don't need to tell you guys that I'm a huge Star Trek fan (I'm not sure whether the term "Trekkie" or "Trekker" is appropriate) and was thrilled last year when I got to attend the Calgary Expo and get the autograph of one Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker) as well as the awesome Maurice LaMarche (The Brain).

Sometime last week I was browsing through Facebook and got some info from the Calgary Expo's page. Apparently attending the convention, among guest stars Adam West and Robert Englund, was going to include not one, two...but ALL main cast members of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

"Captain, sensors are detecting four Romulan Warbirds surrounding us. Is now really the best time to strike a pose?"

Yeah, I nearly got a boner over that news. Look, back 18 years ago, TNG was the best show on television and whenever I can catch it, I'll give it a watch. Hell, for as big a fan as I am, there are still episodes of that show I haven't seen; and I'm a guy who sat through all of DS9 and Voyager.

The cast is going to be taking part in a large Q&A panel one of the three days of the convention so I'll be trying to attend that because apparently the whole cast hasn't done one together in almost 20 years. So yeah...kind of a big thing. I gotta wonder though, if I got a chance to ask them something, what would I ask. All sorts of possibilities...

Chances are some dumb fan will want to ask Denise Crosby if she could see Tasha hooking up with Data had she not left the show midway through the first season.

Fans think that because they had drunken sex, they must have been in love. The people who think this, coincidentally, have never had sex, drunken or otherwise

If you are that dumb fan, let me hit you with a photon torpedo of knowledge: Denise Crosby herself said, that she would have stayed on the show had she had more scenes between her and Worf like in her final episode Skin of Evil. In that scene, there are some hints that there might be an attraction between the two characters.

But Tasha and Data...well they only did it because they were under the influence of the Psi 2000 virus in The Naked Now. I mean, come on, she knew it was a mistake and afterwards went up to Data and said, "It never happened." However, when she said that, a bunch of fanfic writers heard, "Data, I secretly lust for you!"

OK...back to what I was thinking before: If I had a chance to ask each member of The Next Generation cast a question...what would I ask?

Sir Partick Stewart (Captain Jean-Luc Picard):

-Do you like Earl Gray tea?

-How often do you get mistaken for Telly Savalas?

-Whenever you go to the dentist and you're in the chair, does he ask you how many lights you see?

Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker)

-Is it fair to say that your beard is the best thing that ever happened to you?

-How much blame do you accept for Star Trek: Insurrection?

-If they ever made a live action Gargoyles movie, would you want to play Xanatos?

Michael Dorn (Lt. Commander Worf)

-How glad were you that Worf on DS9 was the total badass that he was supposed to be...but wasn't on TNG?

-Is there anyone who, if they were any other man, you would kill where they stand? (FYI: My dad loves that line from Star Trek: First Contact)
-What's it like kissing Terry Farrel? Cause I always wanted to do that when I was a kid.

"I am Worf. I go by one name, just like Cher."


Brent Spiner (Lt. Commander Data)
-Is it true you hated Spot?
-Is it true you're currently voicing the Joker in the Young Justice series?
-What did you think of them making Data so annoying in Star Trek: Generations?


Marina Sirtis (Counsellor Deanna Troi)
-Does it bother you that most people find your character useless?
-Who's the better kisser, Frakes or Dorn?
-Uh, what's with all the TNG cast members being on Gargoyles? Though seriously, I thought you were great as Demona.


LeVar Burton (Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge)
-You've gone on record criticizing Nemesis. If JJ Abrams was behind a new movie with your crew, what would you like to see?
-Why did all the bad stuff happen to your character?
-Why did they have to cancel Reading Rainbow?


Gates McFadden (Dr. Beverly Crusher)
-Were you surprised to be asked back for the third season after being absent completely for the second?
-How come the writers never had you do much in the movies?
-Ever have some idiot consult you for medical advice?


Denise Crosby (Lt. Tasha Yar)
-OK, looking back at it, was leaving the show the worst decision ever?
-Would you have appeared as Sela in Star Trek: Nemesis?


Wil Weaton (Ensign Wesley Crusher)
-You're the fat kid from Stand By Me, right?
-Were you the kid with glasses from Stand By Me?
-Wait, I'm sorry, you played the kid everyone hated in that sci-fi series back in the 90's. OK, my question is, did you always want to play Anakin Skywalker?
-OK, real question, how come you weren't in the final episode, All Good Things?

Relax, I would never ask questions so stupid. Chances are if I did get a chance to ask them all a question it would be something cheesy like, What was the best episode you guys ever did? or Would you ever be interested in seeing a reboot done to your show like they did with the last movie?

Either way, I'm really looking forward to this convention, getting some autographs (I urge people to get a free autograph from voice artists whenever you can. They're so nice, very friendly and will more than likely break into character at the drop of a hat. Plus no damn fees for pictures), new reading material, novelty clothes and maybe pick up some art. I got a few pictures last year but they seem more appropriate for a scrapbook. Still, I can't wait to see what the Calgary Expo has for us later this year.

Simpsons Did It Last Week, Seth!!!

When I was a little kid, my parents were prudes and therefore, sucked at times. I remember being 10 years old and both of them denying me to watch The Simpsons. These days I do my best to prevent children from watching The Simpsons but that's for entirely different reasons which should be obvious to everyone.

However imagine my shock and amazement in 1999 when there was no objection to us watching Family Guy. Maybe my dad was starting to develop a sense of humour, maybe he was attracted by the  main character who may or may not remind others of him, who knows? But we used to watch it together and laugh...until it got cancelled.

What is the most commonly used phrase at the FOX network?

I was excited when it came back. However that excitement quickly faded when I saw that the episodes were...not bad (Not yet, anyway) but underwhelming. They just seemed focused on dragging scenes on and on with boring dialogue, repetitive jokes that didn't go anywhere and musical numbers that made it obvious the writers were putting little effort into what they were doing.

I haven't watched any episodes within the last two years because I got tired of the same jokes over and over and Seth MacFarlane singing. To me, it looked like they were going to keep milking this cow for as long as they could like The Simpsons did and he would do the same with American Dad and The Cleavland Show. It's not like a lot of creative process was going into the making of those shows anyway.

Do I need to go on?

So you can imagine my shock when I read this week that Seth MacFarlane was thinking about ending Family Guy. Now, this might have a lot of fanboys turning white with fear but I don't think you have anything to fear. Look, if he wants it to end, then he would have ended it. Don't be dumb like Larry King and think Seinfeld was cancelled; it went off the air because Jerry Seinfeld felt he had done enough and because he didn't want to do any more episodes.

So what's holding you back, Seth? Surely you read Internet message boards (Probably not) but even you have to know that the quality of the show has dropped big time. Talk to any fan and they'll most likely say that the stuff from the first three season were the best the show ever did.

Look, Seth, I know that people have accused you in the past of copying from The Simpsons but you're doing that right now. For the past two weeks there was all this talk about The Simpsons cast having to take a pay cut and whether it might mean the end of the show or not. Though given how often the show is on so much in syndication, they must be making royalties off of that (Occupy Evergreen Terrace, anyone?) and given how the show is shit these days, the pay cut is well deserved.

And all this talk about you wanting to bring back Star Trek to TV? Look, I already went into great detail about this on the last podcast I did for The Basement Vagrants, it's probably going to be a long time before we see Star Trek on TV and even then there's no guarantee it will succeed. Besides, you're already concerned with bringing The Flintstones back to TV (Cuz the 18-24 male demographic was begging for that) so just leave the 24th century alone.

And there might be some people who say, "Hey, he's a Trek fan and he also guest starred on episodes of Star Trek! Why not him?"

My response:

A) So what if he was a guest star on an episode? William Shatner was the star of the franchise and yet we still got the cosmic turd known as Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. And yeah, I know about the difficulties involved in making that film. I don't give a shit.

B) He was a guest star on an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise. And that's all I will say about that

In conclusion, I don't believe Seth when he says stuff like this. If he wanted to end it, he would have ended it or announced that this would be the last season. I personally think he's just making this up in a pathetic attempt to draw ratings. But if you are sincere in your claims, do it sooner than later.

What is the favourite activity of FOX animation writers?

Where Was I?

It was the second week of grade 10 for me ten years ago. I had just come from my first period English class and was headed to the first floor for second period History. There was a four minute window that you had to get from one class to another and while other students were entering I saw another teacher come in and say to my teacher if he had heard about a plane that flew into the World Trade Center.

Even though I had no idea what was going on, it immediately caught my ears however after a few moments I quickly dismissed it. Probably just some two-seater plane with an amateur pilot who had trouble and made a deadly collision. Tragic but nothing extreme, I thought.

Once that period was over it was time for lunch. I made my way to a pay phone to call my dad because he was to pick me up for lunch and at the time he had about as good a memory as his grandmother does today.

"Dad, you're supposed to pick me up today, remember?"

"Andrew, I'm sorry, I forgot. I've been watching the news. Do you know what's going on?"

"No, what?"

"Terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center. Both towers are gone!"

I suddenly got a flash of these two large towers on fire, being destroyed in the middle of a metropolis. This was something that happened in Tom Clancy novels and bad movies. As I waited outside for him to come pick me up I could hear more and more students suddenly talking about it.

As soon my dad pulled up I got in and we raced home, listening to news updates on the radio and once inside, watching it all unfold on television. A plane had flown into the Pentagon and another airplane had crashed somewhere in America. The endless loop of the second plane hitting the second tower and their final collapse was searing itself onto my brain. Constant flashes of "America Under Attack" sent a sickening feeling through my body.

I never expected to hear those words. In my life the words "Under Attack" was something that happened to Federation Starships or characters in a Schwarzenegger movie. You just never expected it to happen in real life.

I can't remember what I had for lunch (Or if I ate anything) or the rest of that day. However I do know when I first became interested in the world around me. Before then I had my sights on place: Hollywood. I wanted to be an actor and make movies for a living. But suddenly my life took a dramatic turn. I wanted to know what was happening in the world all the time. I started paying a lot more attention to American politics.

Before that, my generation never really had a "Where Were You When" moment. The closest we ever got to that was when Bill Clinton went on TV and admitted that he had lied about Monica Lewinsky. But there was never anything that got our attention and maintained it for a long time. Never something that shook us and changed us, whether or not we were aware or willing to admit it.

I remember being in one of my first days of college for journalism and leaving the Politics class. I can't remember what we discussed but I know that I talked a lot throughout it, like most of my classes and that the date was September 11, 2007. We had just come out and another student remarked to me, "Hey, you know a lot about politics."

"Yeah," I answered. "I've been interested in politics for the past six years."

Bringing Real Life to Sesame Street

Like a lot of kids, I watched Sesame Street when I was a little kid. By the time you're about four years old you've outgrown it but still, it's one of the first TV shows that you watch. And you can probably remember most of the characters: Big Bird, Snuffy, Grover, Elmo and of course Ernie and Bert.

Now, before I get into this whole controversy about the petition to get them married, let me just say that this never occurred to me until I was about 12. That was when Jerry Falwell was railing against the Teletubby known as Tinky Winky, insisting that he was a homosexual character. I remember a comedian suggesting that if Falwell go after any characters that were supposedly gay, he should go after Bert and Ernie.

Can you tell me how to get the hell out of this neighbourhood?

And yeah, everyone's joked about this but in all seriousness, come on, do you really think this stupid petition is going to work? They're fucking muppets, they don't have a sexual orientation. But I've seen things from the other side and thought, "Why should we stop with gay marriage for Bert and Ernie? Shouldn't this show cover other hot topic issues that younger audiences might care about?" I thought so and that's why I wrote a letter to Childrens Television Workshop, detailing some very interesting storylines which I'm sure views will enjoy.

1. Immigration-Maria and Luis decide to go on a cross country road trip but encounter some trouble when they enter the state of Arizona. It turns out that Luis has been living in the country illegally and now faces deportation! The residents of Sesame Street rally to try and get a good lawyer as well as teach children outside of North America how to keep a low profile while waiting for your fake green card to arrive in the mail.

Naturally I don't think this would work in real life because, I mean, come on, Sesame Street teaching kids to break the law? You're more likely to find an episode of Barney where he teaches those kids how to roll a joint.

This would attract the 18-39 demographic that always eludes them...

2. Hoarding-After black mold nearly kills him, Oscar the Grouch is confronted by the residents of Sesame Street about his lifestyle. It is revealed that Oscar has abandonment issues and fears losing everything of value which is why he holds onto everything...even if it really has no value. It is also revealed that Oscar hasn't bathed since the Truman administration.

This will be a great chance for Sesame Street to do a crossover with A&E's Hoarders. Plus, it'll teach children at an early age that no matter how bad you think your own life is, there's always someone on TV you can point to and say, "Holy shit, that dude's messed up!"

3. Narcissism-Elmo gets his ass kicked by people who are sick and tired of his dumb 'Tickle-Me' ass always speaking in the third person. He is encouraged to get well but also told that it will probably happen again unless he doesn't change his ways.

I don't care if I sound like a total asshole when I call for the beating and near death of a "beloved" television character. Would you want your kid to grow up always referring to themselves in the third person? No, it's annoying and you'd kick their ass if they weren't your kid. And if you say you wouldn't then you need your ass kicked.

Someone has to stop him...

4. Addiction-Everyone knows that Big Bird's best friend is Mr. Snuffeupagus, also commonly referred to as "Snuffy". But it is revealed that the nickname comes not from a shortening of his last name, but due to his addiction to cocaine. Snuffy is caught by Big Bird doing three lines of cocaine, each line a metre long. He insists that he can quit anytime but decides to go to rehab after nearly ODing outside Mr. Hooper's store.

This would be a great episode to show kids that it's OK to ask for help when you've really fucked up. And it would also show that if you care enough about your friends, you'll do anything you can to help them. Plus it would include special guest star Charlie Sheen as himself.

The way this guy spoke, you knew he was on something illegal

5. Facing Facts-I'm not sure about the rest of you, but sometimes when I was a little kid, I wasn't sure if Big Bird was a guy or just a really butchy female bird. Now it's obvious that he's a boy but since we're trying to cater to all audiences, why not just have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite?

Why not? Come on, everyone knows this one is true. You can have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite and have special guest star Lady Gaga do the same thing. That and have someone beat her up for her narcissism as well.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me. And I thought Paris Hilton was desperate for attention

Don't F@&! With Alex Trebeck

I can remember being four years old and sitting at the TV with my dad while he watched Jeopardy and got almost all of the questions answers correct. I often wondered what it would be like if he were to ever go on the show but thankfully TV provided the answer for me.

Anyway, one thing associated with Jeopardy, aside from the music during the Final Jeopardy segment, was it's host Alex Trebek. Always there with that 'stache of his till about ten years ago, I thought that he was...well, just a little...bland. Never really did anything exciting, not that it was expected of him, however I think the show would have had better ratings if he acted more like he did when filming this commercial. Imagine someone screwing up the Daily Double and Alex tells you the correct response before muttering, "Dumb bastard." That's a great way to get big ratings without using creepy Ken Jennings.

Not gonna lie, Ken. Mormons freak the hell out of me

Well forget all I said in the last paragraph because according to the news, you don't wanna fuck with Alex Trebek...especially when you try to steal from him. Yeah, the dude is 71, his hair is pretty white, not a spring chicken. Still, I'm willing to risk anything to say that Alex Trebek would have kicked this woman's ass! I mean, shit, she's lucky that the dude wasn't even five years younger, he probably could have done some serious damage.

Picture it, it's late, everyone's either sleeping and out partying. You're sneaking through Trebek's apartment, stealing his tailor-made suits, cutting holes in his briefs, thinking how you've dealt him the biggest bruise to his ego since Sean Connery when all of a sudden the door bursts open. There's Trebek, anger in his eyes and vengeance in his words.

"The category is 'Your Life'," he says in the familiar voice that you can recognize almost anywhere. "The answer is: 'A broken arm, a ruptured spleen, several missing teeth, broken ribs and Alex Trebek's shoe stuck firmly in your ass."

While Trebek speaks, all that's going through your mind (Aside from his words) is whether or not Trebek will mind that you've just ruined the floor in the room by pissing your pants all over it. You stumble to explain yourself and beg for mercy but you're cut off.

"The correct response is, 'What injuries will Alex Trebek inflict on me in the next thirty seconds?'"

And then your world goes dark.

Still, even though that's not what happened, this woman is lucky that she got out of this with her life. Trebek could have just run away like a little girl and called for security but instead, he took matters into his own hands. Probably didn't turn out the way he had hoped but the woman was arrested, likely to face prison time and most likely spending the rest of her life thanking God that she was spared the wrath of Alex Trebek.

"Tell that punk Sajak he's next if he doesn't watch his step."

Shocker! Amy Winehouse is Dead!!!

A little over a year ago I wrote a piece about former teen actress and current waste of space, Lindsay Lohan. She had just been sentenced to a light prison sentence where she would be cut off from the booze and drugs but have plenty of access to any lesbian inmate she wanted and I applauded the decision. As I mentioned in that article, addicts piss me off.

And while I've made jokes about another addict in the past, I never wrote a page about her probably because I assumed she would just OD one day and that there was no point. However she kind of hung on and escaping death like my idiot cat, Butch. But the Grim Reaper can't be held off forever and today it seems that Amy Winehouse has done her last line...either in the form of music or cocaine. Take your pick. And yes, no cause of death has been confirmed yet but...come on, use your head.

How I signed my reaction to Amy Winehouse's death (I have a sore throat)

Look, I know that for members of her family, her friends and to fans that this must be a really sad day for them, but come on, it's not like she was making headlines for her singing ability lately. Every other article was about her fucking up a stage show, her entering or leaving rehab or how someone close to her was worried she might not be around too long if she didn't get her act together.

Go on YouTube and type in "Amy Winehouse Drunk" and you'll find that those videos have more views and comments than any video of her where she's actually singing or aware of what month it is. The woman was a wreck, looked like one and moved like one on stage.

Don't believe me? Check out this video and tell me if I'm wrong. Hell, if anything, the title is misleading because it says she "Performs". However, if you go to an Amy Winehouse performance, do you expect to see her sing or walk around the stage like a blind man who's just been hit in the head with a baseball bat and ask band members where she can score some coke?

Wait, this is Amy Winehosue, so chances are that "sing" was the last thing you expected. And if you did, it probably wasn't worth what you paid.

I know I might be a little cold and downright mean with my words right now but one thing I can't get over is that she was just 27. That's just two years older than me. Imagine that, you're in the prime of your life and for the past couple of years all you've done is just self-destruct and piss away everything you ever did or wanted to do? Like with Lohan, I would love to have the adoring fans, the ability to inspire, to have fans waiting for my autograph. And besides, what the hell was so hard about your life that you needed drugs and alcohol to end it?

Look, I enjoy a good drink. At Aaron's bachelor party I was drunk to the point where after I downed a shot of God knows what, I raised my arms and proclaimed, "I AM A MAN!!!" and continued to wolf down a deep fried cheesecake. But I know my limits. I don't do it every night, every week or every month even. In fact, the last time I can remember having anything alcoholic was at Aaron's wedding.

Is it sad that she's dead? Yes, of course. But we shouldn't act surprised by it or any other celebrity who spends more time at the Betty Ford Clinic than doing their job. Honestly, let's just make Robert Downey Jr. a motivational speaker for retarded celebrities who didn't get the message even after South Park put is so plainly for us.

This was the best picture of her I could find of her

As a final note, I would like to say that while Amy Winehouse was indeed a talented singer, it's a shame that the troubles she brought into her personal life overshadowed all the accomplishments she made (and could have made) in her professional life.

Bad Movies Happen in Threes

Despite the fact that I often use the Superman logo to define my identity and do enjoy the Man of Steel, my favourite superhero of all time is Batman. And like everyone else, I saw The Dark Knight and thought that it was made of awesome. They had taken Batman Begins, fixed the shitty fight sequences and turned it into a masterpiece.

Now of course, in the years that have passed, fans have been eagerly awaiting the sequel, The Dark Knight Rises, which is due out next year. It'll be featuring Catwoman and Bane as the main villains. Personally, I'm a bit mixed about Bane considering how useless he was in Batman and Robin, but if anyone can bring to life the original character from the comics, a man who could recognize that Bruce Wayne was Batman just by looking at him, it's director Christopher Nolan. Our villain...who got beat in less than one minute by Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone. Lame!

Since we're just a little more than a year away from it's release, a website for the film has already been set up and a poster has been released. And to further whet the appetites of film goers, a teaser trailer was leaked onto YouTube via some guy's camera phone. I can't really make a lot out of what's there but at the same time, I'm really intrigued and wondering how they're going to close out this series.

And at the same time...I'm nervous as shit about it. Let's face it, The Dark Knight is probably the best superhero movie ever and nothing in maybe the next twenty years will be able to top it (Unless Rises does it somehow) and...well, sometimes it's the third movie in a series where the quality really drops. Let's look over a few examples, shall we? Oh and these examples probably contain spoilers, I guess.

"What do you mean Kevin Conroy is dubbing all my dialogue in the next movie!?"

1) Star Trek III: The Search for Spock-Ah, the sequel that started the 'Odd-Numbered-Trek-Movies-Suck' rule. But if I can be blunt, while this movie isn't as good as it's predecessor, Wrath of Khan, what is? Seriously, the last movie had space battles in nebulas, torpedoes blowing off engines and to top it all, the most popular character in the franchise sacrificing himself to save his friends.

This movie is by no means terrible, it just had the unfortunate duty of following a movie that put Star Trek back on the pop-culture map. Still, it's got good special effects for it's day which still hold up in my view (I prefer models over CGI starships), a good story and Christopher Lloyd as a Klingon commander. What's to bitch about? If you want something to bitch about, trust me, that's what the rest of this list is for.Spoiler Alert: They find him

2) Superman III-Oh God, talk about a drop that was faster than a speeding bullet. The first movie was a great adventure for the whole family with a simple story, great actors and stellar direction. The sequel continued that story with three dangerous villains from Krypton teaming up with Lex Luthor to rule the world and destroy a conflicted Superman. It really made you look forward to the third movie. Which villain from Superman's Rogue Gallery would be used? Brainiac? Bizzaro? But it would be neither. The producers decided to do something totally unexpected. With two great films under their belt, what could the filmmakers do to take a Supercrap on a promising franchise?

They cast Richard Pryor. Look, I'm not saying Pryor is not funny. His standup is hilarious, he's an influence to millions of comedians and drug users but...Jesus Christ was casting him just a bad idea. In fact...the whole movie was a bad idea. They replace Lex Luthor with this guy who's just Luthor with a different name, the fight between Clark Kent and Superman (Yeah, you read that right) and the so called 'comedy' in the film. If there's one thing I remember liking in this movie, it's this scene. But don't worry, if this abomination didn't kill the franchise, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace finished the job."I've come to save this franchise from any future credibility."

3. Batman Forever-The first two Batman movies directed by Tim Burton were really good. However, after the first two he handed the role of director over to Joel Schumacher. Where Burton's films were dark and gothic, Schumacher just made everything really...campy.

Remember how the villains from the first two were dark, menacing and intriguing? Too bad, because now we got loud, annoying and making us wish we were watching a better movie (An omen of things to come for Jim Carrey's later work). Oh and they finally decided to throw Robin into the mix. But instead of him being a teenager like he normally was in the comics (I refuse to believe Batman would let a nine-year old fight crime), they thought that casting 25 year old Chris O'Donnell was the best move. Cause there's nothing that can be misinterpreted by Bruce Wayne allowing a grown man to come and live with him.

Oh and Tommy Lee Jones was just forgettable as Two-Face. Oh and way to piss on the character's personality by having him constantly flipping the coin until he gets the result he wants. The coin in his only judge. Once a decision has been made, it is done. There is no appeal, no nothing.

And what's with that title anyway? Batman Forever sounds like something a fanboy would write as his Facebook status after getting an autograph from Adam West. But to the film's credit, at least it wasn't Batman and Robin.

Little known fact: Billy Dee Williams (Lando) was originally supposed to play Two-Face

4. The Godfather Par III-How the mighty had fallen. The story of the first two Godfather movies is almost like a Greek tragedy while the third movie is just a tragedy in and of itself. What hurt this movie? The absence of Robert Duvall as Tom Hagen? The casting of Sophia Coppola as Micahel's daughter? The whole kissing cousins subplot? Connie being too dumb to know that Michael had Fredo killed?

I've only seen this movie once and it just didn't feel right. In my eyes, it was like watching a movie that was trying to be like The Godfather but just came up really short. On the one hand, I can see why they would want to make a sequel but on the other hand, after 16 years, it just didn't really make any sense. Michael at the end of Part II had beaten all of his enemies yet was probably hurt the hardest with his wife leaving him and choosing to murder his own brother. Let's hope that we just leave this series where it is. Yeah, this is what mafia movies need: More incest!

5. Spider-Man 3-How could I possibly forget about this series? It started out with such promise. Granted it wasn't without flaws; the first movie had atrocious dialogue that I would write when I was still in grade school and the second movie...well, I think it's overrated. Granted I've only seen it once but it didn't leave that big an impact on me like it did everyone else.

However I was excited for the third movie because they were going to be bringing in Venom, played by Topher Grace along with Thomas Hayden Church as the Sandman and James Franco now out for revenge against Peter Parker for apparently killing his father in the first movie. I knew right then and there that it was too much for just one movie.

Having Sandman be Uncle Ben's real killer to me cheapened the impact of Peter's discovery in the first film. I sat there thinking, "It took you that long to figure this out? Wait, the original guy you caught, yeah, he was an accomplice, but he didn't even try to make some sort of deal with the cops?"

Oh and then there's the issue of Harry finding out his father died by his own hand. What the hell was that butler waiting for? Harry had already gotten his face fucked up by a bomb because of his revenge due to this guy not telling the truth and NOW he thinks this is the best time to tell him, "Oh, hey, Spider-Man is totally innocent"? I would be beating the shit out of that old dude and I don't care if his brother was President Taft or not.

And then there was Venom...what little there was. Why did they have to show Topher Grace's face every time he spoke as Venom? We know who Venom is. Stop reminding us. We're not retarded. How would you have liked it if every time Batman spoke in The Dark Knight I nudged you in the ribs and shouted, "That's Bruce Wayne played by Christian Bale...in case you forgot!!!"

And of course, what kind of person would I be if I didn't mention emo-Peter or that god damned fucking stupid dance scene. That's the direction you wanted to take this movie? You have Peter Parker, slowly being taken over by an alien organism that is changing his behaviour and actions...and a fucking dance scene was the best thing you could come up with? I'm sorry, but did you call in Joel Schumacher to write this scene? I watched the Spider-Man cartoon when they did the Venom storyline and nowhere, nowhere was there any stupid dance scene!

Are you trying to show anger or constipation cause right now either one is making me laugh

I think I might be worrying about nothing when it comes to The Dark Knight Rises. After all, the people behind these movies have shown that they want to do adult stories for adult audiences and not take said audience for granted. But still, if there's a dance scene...even if it's a small one, cut it from the film.

Tracy Morgan Was Never Funny to Begin With

Last night, I was at Denny's where a friend of mine works as a waiter. He went out for a smoke break and came back into the restaurant looking at his iPhone.

"Hey, you know Tracy Morgan from 30 Rock?"

I don't watch 30 Rock because I don't think it's funny but I know of Morgan's work from SNL where most of his characters did the same thing every god damn time.

"Apparently he went on some big anti-gay rant at a comedy club and said he would stab his son if he was gay."

"Oh nice," I said.

"Yeah, he's already apologized for it but..."

"But something tell me you won't see Reverend Sharpton or Jesse Jackson getting on his case."

My waiter friend is gay but most people either don't know or don't care, however one thing we both don't like are bigots. When I got home this morning I saw that the news was all over the Internet, mostly because he had apologized for the rant, but that was only because someone posted a note about it on their Facebook page.

While I would like to make a post using Morgan's words as another example of how Hollywood isn't really tolerant of gay people and views them more like pets, I've decided not to and focus more on Morgan's so called "comedy" act. Personally, while I sympathize with the guy who wrote the Facebook note, he shouldn't be surprised that he went to see Tracy Morgan do stand up and didn't find the act funny. Seriously, before writing this blog, I watched about more than a half hour of Morgan's stand up routines on YouTube and didn't laugh once. Not once.

Maybe my lip twitched at one point, but I think I was being a bit generous with that reaction. Tracy Morgan's whole act is to mumble/slur through his lines like some retarded mush-mouth extra from Roots who thinks he's a comedy genius because he uses the word 'mofokin' every five words or so.

Right now he's getting defense from people like Tina Fey and Chris Rock but comedian Wanda Sykes, who is a lesbian, is pretty upset about it. I'm not going to say that a comedian can't say stuff that pushes the envelope but at the same time...shouldn't it contain some comedy? Personally, I don't see something funny in a father admitting that he would stab his son to death if he was gay. I'm also not going to get on an imaginary high horse and pretend like me or my friends have never made fun of gay people but everything we said was never hateful or calling for death. Hell, all it consists of is implying that we might be attracted to one another. It's all in good fun...I hope anyway.

Look, I know he's apologized, but he did it almost a week after the incident and chances are that he wouldn't have if word didn't get out about it. He's going to get a lot of flack from gay people about it and chances are that this will drive 30 Rock's ratings even lower (To the point where they'd be a show on The WB network) and he'll eventually have to do one of those stupid "It Gets Better" commercials.

I'd continue on but I think I gave this unfunny assclown enough attention, so I'll leave you with a tweet from former Star Trek actor George Takei.

Tracy Morgan, you will always be George Takei's bitch

Retire Ronald? Kiss My Ass

I was thankful enough to grow up with a mom who knew how to cook really well and there were times when my dad could even surprise us with his culinary talents. However, one thing that was always a great treat when me and my sisters were kids was Burger King or McDonalds.

Of course I've wised up over the years and now only eat at Burger King which is the polar opposite of M'Lord, who only eats at McDonalds and despises Burger King. However, if there's one thing I think about when I hear the name "McDonalds" (Other than "Why does this Big Mac look so small?") is their mascot, Ronald McDonald.

OK, this does look a little creepy

The dude was in every commercial you saw, showing off the same Happy Meal package-burger, fries and soft drink-and the special toy for the week you got when you bought a Happy Meal. Hell, sometimes the commercials usually had these weird story lines that would go one for four months. I tried to find clips from YouTube but was unsuccessful. And yeah, again, I remember story lines from a fast food chain's commercials better than I remember high school math. Memory can be a bitch like that sometimes.

What's also a bitch is when morons try to put the blame on someone else for their own problems. Especially if that someone happens to be Ronald McDonald. I can understand people being concerned about the health of young children with the rates of childhood obesity going up, but comparing McDonalds to the tobacco and alcohol industry? Excuse me, while I might joke about there being rat poison in McDonalds hamburgers, I can say that I know that's true unlike cigarettes.

I hope they didn't pay that artist a lot of money

Look, when I was a little kid, the reason I liked McDonalds and Burger King wasn't because they had a clown or some stupid Kids Club were offering it like the junkie who hangs around the local 7-Eleven. I wanted it because it tasted good and it wasn't something we got all the time, you idiots!

What a lot of people seem to forget, especially parents, is that parents can say "No" to their children if they ask for Burger King or McDonalds. I know my parents did loads of times no matter how much us kids begged. You're the parent. Be blunt. Tell them to stop crying or you'll really give them something to cry about. Send them to bed until they stop crying and you'll only give them what you cook them if they stop crying.

Or be more blunt. Just say, "No, you can't have Burger King this week, you lazy, man booby fat ass because you weigh as much as a horse!" And while this may not be the best way to talk to a seven year old, some of these parents should know that constantly feeding their children fast food because they're too retarded to cook something on their own, isn't the best thing for your man-booby fat ass kid.

Yeah, this is clearly the work of evil mastermind, Ronald McDonald.

And I'm not saying getting fast food or take out on a weekly basis is a bad thing. Every week I go down to Burger King, get either a Whopper or Double Whopper, no onions, some bacon, large fries, large chocolate shake. Mmm, mmm, that's good eatin'. And when I was living at home every Friday was pizza night. But the thing is, I exercise quite a bit and can afford to put on weight considering fat ass in the picture above probably weighs twice as much as me.

Look, I can understand people wanting to McDonalds to offer healthier alternatives but at the same time, parents should at least be aware of what their children are putting in their mouths (Sounds kinda gross). And if you're kid is starting to look a little plump or ready to have a heart attack at the age of 11, get them exercising. That and learn to say no to them. You're the parent for Christ sake, you should know that you have control.

Plus, if you're going to jump on this bandwagon of Retire Ronald, just stop. Have you heard of Ronald McDonald Houses? What the hell are we supposed to call them if you retire Ronald? Besides, he's an advertisement tool, he's meant to draw people in. It's kinda the reason why more people prefer Frosted Flakes over Grape Nuts.
That and the fact the name of Grape Nuts is a lie where Frosted Flakes is exactly what you get.

How bout you try to meet a common ground with McDonalds? Ask them to make a character who is in good shape, promotes healthy eating habit and warns about the dangerous consequences of not, and can appeal to adults too.

"Why so obese?"

Who Called It?

Back a few weeks ago, you might recall my opinions on Donald Trump trying to be the first orange man elected President (Seriously, dude, lay off the spray-tan. You're not Lindsay Lohan) and how he would later announce his candidacy on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well it turns out that this won't be the case because...the finale's already been filmed and even NBC has come clean about it. Yep, like I said before, this was a publicity stunt to bolster ratings for his reality show that no one really cares about anymore in an attempt for him to say, "The Apprentice is the number one show on television!" and drag that line out for at least a year.

"Curses, foiled again!!!"


I did imagine upon hearing this news that the Donald is going to comment that NBC is somehow mistaken about the progress of a TV show that airs on their own network and he will make an announcement but even his own spokesman basically said, "Yeah, my boss is full of shit."

Wow, not even into the campaign and you've already stepped in it Donald. Look, I can imagine this has been a rough month for you, what with Obama releasing his birth certificate and while you still tried to grill his ass about it, he was busy getting ready to kill Osama bin Laden. Now you could have gotten on him about taking sixteen hours to make up his mind but you blew it. Now it's back to The Apprentice and hoping that people will give a shit about anything you do.

How Trump envisioned the Obama administration to view his non-announcement on Celebrity Apprentice

Rot in Hell, OBL

I remember being fifteen years old when 9/11 happened. Up until then, I had always been waiting for the "Where Were You?" moment for my generation. My dad's generation had the Kennedy assassinations, Watergate, the attempted assassination of Reagan and the Challenger explosion. The closest that people my age ever got to that sort of moment was the Clinton sex scandal but that wasn't one of those moments that made you stop dead in your tracks. 9/11 was what got me interested in American politics and journalism.

Now you may find this hard to believe, but when I watched the crumbling towers on that unforgettable Tuesday morning, I knew for sure that it was the work of Osama bin Laden. You're probably thinking, "Yeah, you're full of shit" but the truth was that I did. I had read and watched reports of his previous terrorist attacks in Kenya and on the USS Cole so it just made sense.

This always just confused the shit out of me

I personally thought that bin Laden would always escape capture and/or assassination. I also thought it was a bit strange that the FBI had him on their Ten Most Wanted List. I mean, do you really expect the world's most wanted terrorist to be hiding out in Akron, Ohio? So you can imagine my surprise when I came home around nine o'clock last night with my Burger King to see M'Lord watching the TV and telling me the news.

M'Lord: Hey, dude. D'you hear the news?

SchweitzerMan: What news?

M'Lord: Osama bin Laden's been killed.

SchweitzerMan: What? Holy _______ _____!!!

That kept me up later than I thought I would be, constantly watching news reports and reading updated websites.

There's a lot of debate going on right now in the White House whether they should release photos of his body. I personally don't see any reason why they shouldn't and I'm surprised that it hasn't been leaked already. Hell, just Google "Osama dead" and you'll probably find a good photoshop job that'll fool you for a few minutes until you look closely at it.

What I find most amusing about this situation is that President Obama decided to make the announcement about Osama's assassination in the middle of Celebrity Apprentice. The dude's gotta feel pretty good that he can rub this in his face and make Trump look like an even bigger jackass.

Now Trump is demanding that Obama release bin Laden's death certificate

Donald Trump for President?

I enjoy politics, that's no lie. Anybody who went to college with me was aware of this because I was always sitting in the front row for our Politics class (Nerd) and listened to every word the professor gave out as well as throwing in my own two cents every now and then. And they also knew that I followed the 2008 election like it was waving a carrot in front of my nose. So I'd like to take this moment to comment on a person who is throwing his name into the mix for 2012: Donald Trump.

In 2012 Trump plans to become the first orange man elected president

I'll come out and say it: This is a joke candidacy. The Donald doesn't want to be POTUS, he wants to keep his name in the limelight since The Apprentice can't draw views like it used to and also because said reality show is in the dreaded "Celebrity" seasons (AKA: Shit nobody cares about).

And come on, America, you really want a guy like Trump as President? Politics is a harsh world to live in, with both sides throwing bombs at each other. You really think that a man like Donald Trump will be able to survive in a world like that when he started a war of words with Rosie O'Donnell? I mean, yeah, Rosie annoys a lot of people, but Trump acted like she had castrated him and then took a dump on his face. All she did was mock him, dude needs to lighten up. Besides, considering his hairdo has been a punchline for over a decade, you thin he'd have thicker skin than that.

I mean, can you imagine how it would be if a foreign leader disagreed with him?

SchweitzerMan: President Trump, what are you comments regarding Nicolas Sarkozy criticizing your new economic policy?

President Trump: Well look, Schweitzer-Man, Sarkozy is a moron and it's not surprising that he's the President of France because France is full of idiots. I mean, look at the Eiffel tower. It's the ugliest phallic shaped tower I've ever seen. I've been to Paris, had an awful time. Look, French people are retards, plain and simple. And if they can find their ass with their own two hands, maybe they can give me a smart reason why I shouldn't keep doing what I'm doing. Oh and be sure to watch this week's episode of "The Apprentice: White House" on NBC.

OK, maybe he wouldn't call all French people retards but at the same time I wouldn't put it past him.

Back over ten years ago, Mad TV did a sketch where Donald Trump appeared on a fictional BET show called Reality Check and was asked why he thought he could be President. The two fat hosts got laughs at his expense before Trump got upset and called them water buffaloes (Which makes me wonder if Trump wrote the dialogue for this sketch). Naturally they proceed to tear him a new one verbally but let's face it, that's pretty much how it goes with Trump. You either kiss his ass and tell him how much you love the apprentice or you're on his enemies list.

I remember liking this show...before it got over exposed

He's planning on announcing his candidacy on an episode of Celebrity Apprentice and already you can tell that he's not going to. He'll give some bullshit reason about how he'd rather spend time doing what he's doing right now but he'll thank all the idiots who tune in to see him tell them something they should already know in the first place.

Technically it's a brilliant move: Make a big announcement on a show that not a lot of people are watching to make the ratings skyrocket and then you can claim that The Apprentice is the biggest show on television.

Oh and stop with the Obama birth certificate thing. For Christ sake, you think if WikiLeaks could uncover anything it would be that.

The Three Stooges Should Be Funny!!!!

The real three wise men

I can remember back eighteen years ago when I first saw a Three Stooges short. It was Malice in the Palace and was the part where Shemp is being chased by a guard with a large sword. Shemp decides to fight back by using a fencing sword to launch fruit at the guard and make him retreat. I nearly pissed myself watching it and to this day it still makes me laugh. I probably should have put a spoiler alert on there but if you haven't seen it already, shame on you. And if you're in that group of people that don't like the Stooges because you don't see what's funny about it or you think it's lowbrow, double shame on you.

Anyway, as some of you may or may not know, the Farrelly Brothers, the people behind There's Something About Mary and Dumb and Dumber announced many years ago that they were working on making a Three Stooges movie. I was intrigued by this because I had read Moe Howard's biography and thought that it would be interesting to see a motion picture about their lives and how they brought so much laughter into many people's lives.

But almost ten years it's been in production hell and then one day I learned to rather unsettling things about the movie: First, it wasn't going to be a biography, but continuing the Stooges adventures...in modern times. The second thing that was equally disturbing was the casting of the Stooges themselves.

Benicio Del Toro as Moe?

Jim Carrey as Curly?

Sean Penn as Larry?

Yeah, let that sink in for a moment.

Picard would make a better Curly!

First off, I haven't seen BDT in a lot of movies and I know he's a good actor but...you want to cast a Puerto Rican as the Jewish Moe Howard? Yeah, you could tweak his hair and he would look like the Latino Moe Howard but...just no. What is it with movie producers who think that anybody can play anybody? Don't they remember the successful casting of the British Bob Hoskins and the Columbian John Leguizamo as Italian plumbers in Super Mario Brothers: The Movie? Christ, don't they remember the abomination that was The Honeymooners?

Jim Carrey could play Larry in my humble opinion but as Curly, he's just miscast. To be Curly, you've got to have the right build for it. You've got to be a bit of a chunky monkey as Chef Ramsay might say. Jim Carrey is not a chunky monkey. The most he would do as Curly is mug for the camera and make high pitched noises like every other person who does a lameass impression does.

Apparently Curly is no big fan of the casting either...

Sean Penn as...I'm sorry, I can't believe somebody thought this was a good idea. Seriously, if I were directing this, I would look at whoever did the casting and say, "After I'm done kicking you in the teeth, you're fired." Sean Penn is not funny and he doesn't seem to have a sense of humour as far as I can detect. Hell, I remember him getting bent out of shape and pissy because Chris Rock made a joke about Jude Law at the Oscars back a few years ago. You think he can play Larry Fine?

Thankfully it seems that someone agreed with me because recently it was announced that former Mad TV star Will Sasso will be playing Curly. If you've never seen Sasso or any of his work on Mad TV, again, shame on you. His "Kenny Rogers' Jackass" is the stuff of legend and he could be described as a chunky monkey, though to be fair, he used to be a lot chunkier. I honestly believe if anyone can pull it off, Will Sasso is the man.

Of course, there's also talk that James Marsden will be playing Larry, which is a step-up from Penn but at the same time, the best they could get is the guy who played Cyclops in the X-Men movies and did jack shit through all three of them?

Hank Azaria as Moe? Is that supposed to just be a joke, related to The Simpsons, something else that used to be funny? Personally, I don't really care if this movie gets made or not. What I would like to see more of is Will Sasso though? Seriously, the dude is funny as hell.

If you squint a little....

Victoria Jackson: Hating Glee For All The Wrong Reasons

Does anyone else hear that theme from "The Omen" when looking at this picture?

I don't watch a lot of television and the shows that I do watch are viewed on my laptop screen before I go to sleep. One of the few shows that I watch on a regular basis is Glee. Yeah, yeah, laugh your ass off at it, I don't care. Surprise, surprise, but I was a theatre geek in high school and could act my ass off. It's fair to say that I was a pretty good actor. A pity I couldn't dance otherwise I might be in a totally different situation than I am now but...

Anyway, on the show there's a character named Kurt Hummel who is openly out, which you would kind of expect in a show about theatre geeks who love to sing and dance. Anyway, he's at this private school which is all boys (Doing my best not to make any jokes) and falls in love with another gay guy and in the latest episode to air, they both accepted their feelings towards one another and kissed. And a million fanfic writers watched their wildest dreams come true.

Does anyone else think he looks like a white Wilmer Valderrama?

So they kissed and out of nowhere and obscurity, Victoria Jackson from Saturday Night Live, way before my time, goes on CNN after making some rather mean comments about gays and the show itself.

I really don't want to get into a debate about religion. I have no problem if someone is Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu (Don't get too eager Jar-Jarvis) or atheist for that matter so long as they don't try to shove their beliefs down my throat when I don't want them. I come from a moderately religious family. I've been baptized, did my first communion and my confirmation and yet I'm still not guaranteed entrance to the kingdom of Heaven. I believe there's a God, and I believe if you're a good person when you die, you get into heaven. That goes for the gays, too.

 

Anyway, I watched the interview and after my ears stopped bleeding due to Jackson's dog-whistle voice, I realized that she was hating the show for all the wrong reasons. She shouldn't hate Glee because it has gay characters who kiss (I find it funny how she justifies herself by saying she has gay friends. Not for long, dummy.); she should hate it because this season sucks balls.

Well...not all of it sucks

For some reason, the writers have decided this season to make all the characters either unlikeable or just plain stupid. Everyone seems to be cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend with someone else. I mean, if you're a guy and your so-called 'best friend' gets one girlfriend pregnant and makes out with your next one cause she's pissy again, wouldn't you have strangled that guy with your shoelaces? Or shanked him in the cafeteria? Hmm, maybe I shouldn't watch Oz right after watching Glee.

That and there doesn't seem to be any real character growth. Now I'm probably going to get some Glee fan who says, "Heyyy!!! That's not truuu!! Rachel broke up with Finn!!! That's growth!!!" No it's not. It's just something that happens to her. She's still the same selfish, diva bitch whom I'm surprised no one has punched yet. She reminds me of a girl I acted with once and thankfully it was only once, always demanding the spotlight and being a stage Nazi. How often do we see Rachel getting upset because she can't get a solo or something else that doesn't put her in the spotlight thus justifies her acting like a bitch the entire episode and getting a solo at the end to show she's sad.

Apparently the truth hurts...

It applies to all the characters. It looked like they were really going to make Sue change her ways from Season 1 at the beginning of this season but then she went back to her old ways about two episodes in with her trying to destroy the Glee club like a really shitty Batman villain from the sixties. But it worked in Batman because the show was a giant spoof/parody and it knew it. Glee is becoming a parody of itself and seems to think it's being fresh and original just because they seem to do a themed episode each week (Lady Gaga, Madonna, Rocky Horror).

Also, this one is just a personal preference, but the singing is too perfect. Take the Christmas episode, A Very Glee Christmas. Our first glimpse of the New Directions group shows them decorating the room for the holiday and they're singing...kinda what you expect on a musical show. I'm going to take a quick break to tell you about a friend of mine. She is a music teacher and very good one at that as is her husband. And as good as they are, I think they would even struggle to recall the lyrics from the soundtrack of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Seriously, it's not that the glee kids suck at singing the song, but it's just all so perfect. I mean, I know they're supposed to be good but...that good? Come on, I could go up to any choir in the country, ask them, "Sing me a song from an almost fifty year old stop-motion animated Christmas special and have the exact same rhythm and timing as the original", and they wouldn't be able to do it. I mean, it'd be funny if they screwed up the lyrics once in a while or just as they're about to start singing have someone raise their hand and say, "Sorry, I don't know that one."

"What makes you think I know the lyrics?"

That whole Christmas episode bothered me in general because the writers decided that they would take one character and turn her from a cute airhead to full blown retarded. I'm talking about the cheerleader Brittany. I know it's a Christmas episode, but did they really need to say that she still believed in Santa Claus and that she believed that he could get her paralyzed boyfriend, Artie, to walk? I mean, she's making Sue Sylvester's assistant, Becky, a girl with Down Syndrome, look like George S. Patton.

And what's worse is that at the end of the episode she gets her wish! Artie gets these leg braces or something that help him walk just a little bit which were bought (Anonymously) by the school football coach, Bieste, a character who has been underused in my opinion. So wait, if you're a high school football coach, you can afford experimental medical technology so that a person who gets lost in a revolving door can have a good Christmas? Huh, so I guess all those teachers who bitch about being underpaid are just greedy misers.

Hey look, everyone, Artie got a Deus Ex Machina for Christmas!

Oh and what also blows is that they decide to have Rachel sing Last Christmas, a Christmas song so terrible that I have put it on my enemies list.

Another issue I have with the show is that it doesn't know what it wants to say. It's a cast full of diverse characters: Asians, blacks, gays, paralyzed, athletic, fat, neurotic and at the end of each episode they want to drill it into you that it's OK to be original and not a stereotype. You don't need to have blond hair, big boobs and whore yourself out there to be talented. That's a great message.

They don't do themselves any favours though when they decide to pose for pictures and basically pretend that they lollipop they're sucking on is a human penis. I mean, they try to give you that standard, "It's who you are on the inside that counts" message. But in reality, the message they send is this, "It's who you are on the inside that counts...until you land on a hit TV show. Then you can get those implants you desperately need!"

For a show that promotes diversity, it's funny that they had only enough room for the good looking white people...

There are a lot of other points that I could make about this show but I have only so much energy. The show isn't terrible by any means and though there are some people who would disagree strongly with that statement, I still watch it in the hopes that it will get better because it can be. In closing, I say this to Victoria Jackson: Judge lest ye be judged; let she who is without sin, throw the first rock. And if you're upset that there's nothing for your kids to watch because Hollywood is pro-gay, then turn on Bugs Bunny. My Opa loves that stuff and Bugs Bunny never does anything gay.

Nope, nothing queer going on here...