Schweitzer-Man Meets Susan Eisenberg

Calgary Expo.

Those are two words that mean a lot to me. I buy my tickets almost six months prior to the start of the show; in fact, back in November, shortly after getting a call-back from a job interview, the first thing I did was buy my tickets for the 2023 show.

With each passing week I'd check to see if there were any changes or announcements about guest announcements, more eager about Comic Creators than anything else. 

Calgary Expo 2017 Wish List

Well, here we are again, once again it's time to slowly start gearing up for the Calgary Expo. While I may have been a bit critical of their guest line-up last year, (Feeling there was more of an emphasis on celebrities than comic creators) I must admit, I had a great time. Picked up some great comics, some great art, met some artists I admired. Even got to do a fist bump with Stan Lee-how cool is that?

Oh and he upped the resale value of my Spider-Man trade paperback...

And as they've recently announced guests like Nathan Fillion, Christopher Lambert, Danielle Panabaker, Millie Bobbie Brown and Jim Shooter, I figured that I would give them a list of people I would like to see them invite this year. 

Schweitzer-Man meets Stan Lee!!!

I had gone to the Calgary Expo many times over the past few years and despite getting the autographs of some actors, artists and writers, I never sought one from the man who was arguably the main attraction to each and every convention he went to: Stan Lee. 

You'd think a huge nerd and history buff like me would want the autograph of one of the few living legends left from Marvel's golden age but, and I must be honest, sometimes I'm not the biggest fan of Stan Lee himself. 

I'm not going to deny his accomplishments but I think a lot of times people give him too much credit undeservedly and he's very unwilling to share that credit. 

2016 Calgary Expo Wish List

Every time I go to the Calgary Expo, I always seem to have a great time. I always buy lots of great stuff like comics I've wanted from days gone by or art that I can't stop looking at (None of it's porn; I have the internet for that). 

Harry Kim: The Whipping Boy of Star Trek: Voyager

For those of you reading this blog for the first time or with short memory-spans, I'm a huge nerd. In 1995, when I was in the third grade, I was super mega ultra excited for the premiere of Star Trek: Voyager on the brand new UPN.

After 10 years in which Voyager's been off the air, it's reputation hasn't improved as is the case like other series in the Star Trek universe, like Deep Space Nine. I was mostly blind to this until after the show went off the air but do I hate it? Hardly. It's a show you can watch if you're bored and want to kill some time because it's raining outside and you're too lazy to do anything else.

If you're not familiar with the back-story of ST:V, I'll try to summarize it as best I can: A crew of Starfleet officers and outlaws (The Maquis) must join forces to make the long journey home across 70,000 light years of space, cut off from any back up. Oh and they pick up a hot ex-cyborg along the way who saved the show from being cancelled.

In the future women's fashion becomes air tight for some reason...


But also on the show was a young, inexperienced officer, fresh out of Starfleet Academy, eager for his first deep space assignment...and of course he gets stranded halfway across the galaxy and thus will probably never see any of his friends, family or fiancee ever again. This was Ensign Harry Kim.
And his character was constantly getting fucked over.

That look of possible fear and dread...that's normal for Harry

So I'm going to take a look at the history of this character and how he was constantly getting screwed by the people around him who were supposed to be his friends and colleagues. There are probably too many examples to list, so I'm just going to give you the ones that stick out to me the most.

1) Graduates are Good but Drop-Outs are Awesome: In the second episode of the series, after realizing how boned they are since they're 70+ years from backup of any kind, the crew has to replace the original chief engineer who was killed in the first episode.

Before I go any further, I should address one major problem with Voyager. The Maquis are outlaws who were Federation citizens who chose to stand up for themselves after the Cardassians kept messing around with them. Starfleet was against the Maquis and declared them outlaws, prompting a lot of Starfleet officers to join them in the process. These are the outlaws who join the Voyager crew and become part of the Starfleet system. The problem is that it happens too quickly. Hell, at the end of the pilot, all the Maquis are in uniform with no problem at all. I mean, sure, they felt the Federation turned a blind eye to all the crap going on in the DMZ, but why let that get in the way of sub-par story telling?

Anyway, one of the members of the Maquis crew is B'elana Torres, a half-human, half-Klingon who assaulted a fellow crew-member in the second episode. She was either dropped out or kicked out of the Academy (They never could get the story straight) and yet somehow this person ends up not only becoming chief engineer...but also gets a promotion to Lieutenant even though she didn't even make it through her second year at the Academy.

So think about that: Captain Janeway knows that Harry has worked to be in Starfleet his whole life and yet makes him subordinate to someone who not only couldn't graduate but even fought against the ideals of Starfleet. Oh and that fellow crewman she assaulted? Yeah, he was actually next in line to be chief engineer.

"Life's a bitch, even in the 24th century."

2) Betrayal is Bad but Blue-Balls are Worse-In a later episode we discover that not only was Harry Kim a promising young man on his first assignment, but he was also dating a lovely young woman back on Earth named Libby.

Now, when the love of your life is halfway across the galaxy and probably thinks you're dead...you're gonna play the field. Sadly Harry Kim sucked at relationships and it became a bit of a joke to his best friend, Tom Paris, later in the show. The dude had gone so long without any Starfleet snatch that he fell in love with a hologram. That's right. He fell in love with a computer simulation.

Although he did get a chance to score with one of the hottest babes this side of the Delta Quadrant, Seven of Nine. You might think, "Well, what's the problem?"

I said he did get a chance...but he never took it.
 For a while Harry was attracted to this ex-Borg who was doing her best to regain her humanity and at one point she was willing to go all the way...and Harry declined. Not only did he decline, but he did it in a way that you would have thought she was going to scoop out his eyes with a rusty spoon. Harry, when Seven of Nine offers you sex, you say "YES!!!" Any blue balls after that point are your own fault.

Seriously, Harry...why?

Enter the episode titled "The Disease". He has intimate relations with a member of an alien species without consulting his doctor (A big no-no in the 24th century which didn't exist when Kirk was banging any female that moved a hundred years ago) and more or less picks up VD. I should note that's not entirely what the title of the episode is referring to...give it a watch, you'll understand.

The funny thing is, she was white before Kirk had sex with her

Captain Janeway is not very pleased that her golden officer has broken a rule and gets so pissed off at him that she puts a full reprimand on his file which could affect his future in Starfleet (FYI: It doesn't).

Compare this to the Doctor's actions in the episode "Flesh and Blood". The crew encounters a group of holograms who kidnap the Doctor (A hologram himself) but later return him when they see that he is not a slave. However when he finds out that the Voyager crew are planning to destroy the holograms, he betrays them and sides with the holograms, who also kidnap Torres as well.

I won't go into too many plot details but by the end, the Doctor realizes the error of his ways returns to Voyager. He submits himself for punishment...but Captain Janeway blames herself and says that she is just as responsible. She even goes so far as to call it an "Away mission".

Harry Kim gets laid, does no damage to anyone but himself...full reprimand.

The Doctor betrays his friends and colleagues, does damage to his vessel and endangers many lives...not even a slap on the wrist.

And wait, I recall an episode where the Doctor himself got laid! OK, granted it was...with another hologram. But still...shit!

"Take off your clothes and step into my office."

3. With Friends Like This, Who Needs Enemies?-Within the first episode of Voyager a sort of bromance was established between Harry and former Starfleet/Maquis member Tom Paris. Tom was originally just an observer, on the mission to offer advice on where the Maquis might be hiding. But afterwards when most of the crew was killed, he was given a full promotion to Lieutenant (Just like Torres) and made chief navigator.

I don't have too much of a problem with that because Tom graduated from the Academy and had a career before he was discharged for covering up an accident that killed three officers. He later joined the Maquis for something to do and was arrested on his first mission. But he proved himself a worthy officer for the job and never had any problems.

Except the one time he hijacked a shuttlecraft to launch a terrorist attack against an underworld society that he fell in love in the hopes of saving it and was only stopped thanks to absurd timing on behalf of Captain Janeway, who demoted Tom to the rank of Ensign.

But hey, don't expect to last for too long because less than 18 months later he was back to being a full Lieutenant with the ability to boss Harry around all he wants.

And in that time, there aired an episode titled "Warhead" where a weapon of mass destruction took control of the Doctor's program and was using Voyager to carry him to complete his mission to destroy a civilian settlement.

Locked in Sickbay with the weapon, Harry is able to uncover that the mission has been cancelled and convinces it to abandon it's mission and destroy other weapons on the same mission. So great, Harry saves not only his shipmates and ship, but probably hundreds of thousands (If not millions) of lives...and stays an Ensign.

Garret Wang, the actor who played Harry, actually brought it up to the creators of the show that his character probably should be promoted but they told him that, "Somebody's got to be the Ensign."

I should note that when Star Trek: TNG and Star Trek: DS9 had their series finalies, there were no characters who had the rank of Ensign. Yeah, even a supporting character like Nog, who went to the Academy later than him would get to Lieutenant before Harry did. And to be fair, Harry only got his promotion in paperback books after Voyager went off the air.

"Harry, get your best friend-me-some beer. That's an order!!!"

4) Getting Screwed in Real Life-After Voyager went off the air, Garret Wang has been pretty critical of the show and how it was run and I don't blame him. During the last two years, Star Trek: DS9 felt like it was about a whole group of people on this massive space station.
During the last two years on Star Trek: Voyager, it felt like the show was only about Janeway, Seven of Nine and the Doctor. Wang wasn't a bad actor on the show, none of them were (Except for guest stars) but as characters they weren't given any development sometimes and Harry Kim is the biggest example.

Wang is also the only actor in the history of the franchise to be denied the opportunity to direct an episode of Star Trek. Why that is, I have no clue. They could have done more with his character and had a great opportunity when Wang was named one of People magazine's 50 sexiest people alive.

Harry Kim was a character that could have had a lot of potential but instead he was always getting screwed by the people around him which was a result of the writers and producers. But things could have been worse...he could have been a character on Star Trek: Enterprise.

When two characters have obvious chemistry, the best thing to do is make sure they don't hook up

Fangasm

I don't need to tell you guys that I'm a huge Star Trek fan (I'm not sure whether the term "Trekkie" or "Trekker" is appropriate) and was thrilled last year when I got to attend the Calgary Expo and get the autograph of one Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker) as well as the awesome Maurice LaMarche (The Brain).

Sometime last week I was browsing through Facebook and got some info from the Calgary Expo's page. Apparently attending the convention, among guest stars Adam West and Robert Englund, was going to include not one, two...but ALL main cast members of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

"Captain, sensors are detecting four Romulan Warbirds surrounding us. Is now really the best time to strike a pose?"

Yeah, I nearly got a boner over that news. Look, back 18 years ago, TNG was the best show on television and whenever I can catch it, I'll give it a watch. Hell, for as big a fan as I am, there are still episodes of that show I haven't seen; and I'm a guy who sat through all of DS9 and Voyager.

The cast is going to be taking part in a large Q&A panel one of the three days of the convention so I'll be trying to attend that because apparently the whole cast hasn't done one together in almost 20 years. So yeah...kind of a big thing. I gotta wonder though, if I got a chance to ask them something, what would I ask. All sorts of possibilities...

Chances are some dumb fan will want to ask Denise Crosby if she could see Tasha hooking up with Data had she not left the show midway through the first season.

Fans think that because they had drunken sex, they must have been in love. The people who think this, coincidentally, have never had sex, drunken or otherwise

If you are that dumb fan, let me hit you with a photon torpedo of knowledge: Denise Crosby herself said, that she would have stayed on the show had she had more scenes between her and Worf like in her final episode Skin of Evil. In that scene, there are some hints that there might be an attraction between the two characters.

But Tasha and Data...well they only did it because they were under the influence of the Psi 2000 virus in The Naked Now. I mean, come on, she knew it was a mistake and afterwards went up to Data and said, "It never happened." However, when she said that, a bunch of fanfic writers heard, "Data, I secretly lust for you!"

OK...back to what I was thinking before: If I had a chance to ask each member of The Next Generation cast a question...what would I ask?

Sir Partick Stewart (Captain Jean-Luc Picard):

-Do you like Earl Gray tea?

-How often do you get mistaken for Telly Savalas?

-Whenever you go to the dentist and you're in the chair, does he ask you how many lights you see?

Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker)

-Is it fair to say that your beard is the best thing that ever happened to you?

-How much blame do you accept for Star Trek: Insurrection?

-If they ever made a live action Gargoyles movie, would you want to play Xanatos?

Michael Dorn (Lt. Commander Worf)

-How glad were you that Worf on DS9 was the total badass that he was supposed to be...but wasn't on TNG?

-Is there anyone who, if they were any other man, you would kill where they stand? (FYI: My dad loves that line from Star Trek: First Contact)
-What's it like kissing Terry Farrel? Cause I always wanted to do that when I was a kid.

"I am Worf. I go by one name, just like Cher."


Brent Spiner (Lt. Commander Data)
-Is it true you hated Spot?
-Is it true you're currently voicing the Joker in the Young Justice series?
-What did you think of them making Data so annoying in Star Trek: Generations?


Marina Sirtis (Counsellor Deanna Troi)
-Does it bother you that most people find your character useless?
-Who's the better kisser, Frakes or Dorn?
-Uh, what's with all the TNG cast members being on Gargoyles? Though seriously, I thought you were great as Demona.


LeVar Burton (Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge)
-You've gone on record criticizing Nemesis. If JJ Abrams was behind a new movie with your crew, what would you like to see?
-Why did all the bad stuff happen to your character?
-Why did they have to cancel Reading Rainbow?


Gates McFadden (Dr. Beverly Crusher)
-Were you surprised to be asked back for the third season after being absent completely for the second?
-How come the writers never had you do much in the movies?
-Ever have some idiot consult you for medical advice?


Denise Crosby (Lt. Tasha Yar)
-OK, looking back at it, was leaving the show the worst decision ever?
-Would you have appeared as Sela in Star Trek: Nemesis?


Wil Weaton (Ensign Wesley Crusher)
-You're the fat kid from Stand By Me, right?
-Were you the kid with glasses from Stand By Me?
-Wait, I'm sorry, you played the kid everyone hated in that sci-fi series back in the 90's. OK, my question is, did you always want to play Anakin Skywalker?
-OK, real question, how come you weren't in the final episode, All Good Things?

Relax, I would never ask questions so stupid. Chances are if I did get a chance to ask them all a question it would be something cheesy like, What was the best episode you guys ever did? or Would you ever be interested in seeing a reboot done to your show like they did with the last movie?

Either way, I'm really looking forward to this convention, getting some autographs (I urge people to get a free autograph from voice artists whenever you can. They're so nice, very friendly and will more than likely break into character at the drop of a hat. Plus no damn fees for pictures), new reading material, novelty clothes and maybe pick up some art. I got a few pictures last year but they seem more appropriate for a scrapbook. Still, I can't wait to see what the Calgary Expo has for us later this year.

My Favourite Christmas Themed Entertainment

Last year around this time I presented to you my list of The Greatest Christmas Specials Never, a list of Christmas specials that we sadly never got to see (My sister thought the Full House one was real). However this year, I think I'm going to go over some of my favourite Christmas themed episodes from TV series as well as movies that some people may not pay much attention to. So without further ado, grab yourself some egg-nog, sit down and enjoy my list of Favourite Christmas Themed Entertainment EVER!!!

1) Batman: The Animated Series-"Christmas With the Joker"

OK, if you don't like this show at all (I'm looking at you, Katelynn) then I have to question your sanity. And if you can't enjoy watching Batman and Robin trying to stop the Joker from killing three of our favourite side characters on Christmas eve, then you lack a soul.

One of the many things that made this series work was that they had an incredible cast of voice actors. Every voice suited the character it belonged to and no greater example could be made than Mark Hamill as the Joker. I'm sorry, a part of me still can't believe that freakin' Luke Skywalker voiced Batman's greatest nemesis. And Hamill just shines in this episode, from the opening scene where he escapes from Arkham Asylum (He waves goodbye to Charles Manson just before exiting-I shit you not) to when he uses a sock puppet to blow up a bridge that a train is crossing. You can laugh along with him and at the same time he has enough of an edge that makes you think, "Yeah, I'm not fuckin' with this dude."

Looking like this and still managing to be threatening is why Mark Hamill is the best Joker. Sorry, Heath

Apparently the Joker was originally supposed to kidnap some random family but the network had the writers change it to Commissioner Gordon and the lot because a random family might have been frightening to younger audiences. Look, I think I was six when this episode first aired and nothing about this show ever frightened me.

It's a great episode from a great series and the perfect way to put you in the crime-fighting mood this holiday season.

2) A Pinky and the Brain Christmas

According to my father, he came home from work early one morning, turned on the TV and caught and episode of the awesome Pinky and the Brain and was hooked. We watched it when it aired in prime time on Sunday nights and we loved it. So when we found out that there was going to be a full half-hour Christmas special, we knew that we had to tape it for him.

Going undercover as elves at the North Pole, our two favourite rodents bent on global domination attempt to have Santa plant a brainwashing toy in every house throughout the world. Of course things can't go right and that's where the episode shines in terms of comedy and moments that tug at your heart.

I watched this episode just yesterday and I can honestly say that near the end as the Brain reads Pinky's letter I was getting misty eyed.

Yeah, that show A) how emotionally screwed up I am and B) that this show truly was one of the best things on TV at the time. I haven't been able to catch it on TV in years and was lucky to find it online but if you're fumbling around cable and happen to see it on your program guide, stop what you're doing for 30 minutes and watch this because it is genius that's currently lacking in today's TV programs.

A quick note: When we watched this in 1996, the scene where Brain screams at Pinky, "Give me that stupid letter" caused me and my sisters to laugh and say, "That's Dad."

3) Batman Returns

This movie takes place around Christmastime and for some reason I really get in the mood to watch it around this time of year. I don't know, maybe it has something to do with a recent podcast I did with The Basement Vagrants but for the past few days I've had this movie on my mind.

Is it a perfect movie? No, not really but in a way it seems perfect for it's time and a good adaptation of the Caped Crusader. However it is entertaining and doesn't leave me bored. I remember being a little kid, begging my parents to let me see this movie. Sadly, at the time, they sucked as parents and said no. However that didn't stop them from buying me Batman toys and storybooks based on the movie that was apparently too violent and vulgar for me. Hypocrisy much, Mom and Dad?

PS: I think the Wayne Manor/Batcave playset is still in their crawlspace and for sale I might add. We shall start the bidding at $1000

I think I might even have the box this came in

4) Gordon Ramsay Christmas Specials

If food porn like this doesn't have you salivating for holiday meals, then I don't know what will. True story, last year when I was home for Christmas, I showed this video to my Dad, who immediately demanded I go out and by croissants and smoked salmon. This was Christmas eve but I was able to get it done cause I'm awesome. We made this Christmas morning just like Ramsay shows you and it was really amazing.

5) Almost Every Christmas Themed Sketch from Mad TV

I'm sure I've said it before but I'll say it again: During the mid 90's to early 2000's, Mad TV did stuff that would have me in stitches while Saturday Night Live was descending into the mediocrity it happily resides at today. It can't hold a candle to what Mad TV was doing and it's a pity that the seasons haven't been released on DVD yet. Anyway, there are so many sketches to go over so I'll just give a quick rundown of some of my favourite Christmas themed sketches from Mad TV.

A) Magic Johnson's Kwanzaa Special

Aries Spears is someone who could make my Dad laugh doing anything and he was in top form when parodying former NBA superstar and failed talk show host, Magic Johnson. While they could have gone the easy route and makes jokes about Johnson being HIV positive, Spears plays him as an illiterate idiot, being cancelled by the networks at every turn. I think what also makes this sketch work is Pat Kilbane as Al Gore. I can honestly see the former VP going up to Magic and saying, "As salaam alaikum".

B) Rooftop Memories

When I was younger, I would be the one who would heave to help my parents put up the lights around the house for the holidays. Now that I don't live there anymore, I don't know who helps or even if they bother to put up the lights. However, if they are still putting them out, I imagine this is how it usually goes.

C) Opening Christmas Presents from Mom

I'm not going to name names, but at least over ten years ago, I recall a girl I know being worried around Christmas because she was afraid she would appear ungrateful by not showing enough verbal excitement over what she was given. It had her worked up to the point of tears which made me want to smack the stupid out of her.

Anyway, this sketch reminds me of her. While everyone is opening up their presents they receive from the mother, despite the excitement over what they're getting, she seems to think that they hate their gifts. The sketch reaches it's comedy climax when Alex Borestein screams, "What is your problem, you rag bitch!?" This is a common line when opening Christmas presents at my house.

D) Holiday Fantanas

I've never had a Fanta drink in my life so I don't know if they are as good as this sketch claims. However Paul Vogt, the actor who plays Beth, apparently took inspiration for his character by viewing footage of my younger sister drunk on the Internet. He has her mannerisms down pat.

E) Santa's Real Workshop

Look, we all know that toys aren't made at the North Pole, so what would happen if a little kid found out where all of Santa's workforce comes from?

Plus, I wish I could be like this Santa. Just walking around all day, pelting people with sugar cubes.

F) Stuart's Nativity Play

What kind of Mad TV list would this be without an entry involving Stuart?

For as many people I know who love Michael McDonald's signature character, there are just as many who HATE this character. I think the people who hate Stuart are more upset that kids like him exist in real life and have parents that are just as doting and blind as Doreen. This is your average Stuart sketch, him being bratty, somehow getting down to bikini briefs and saying, "Look what I can do!" but at the same time, it's Stuart playing Jesus. You don't see that everyday.

G) Suge Knight's Christmas Album

Again, with just the simple motion of opening his eyes really wide with his with that our family come join his for the holidays, Aries Spears had my dad in stitches. The Eminem parody might be a bit off today but ten years ago that was dead on.

H) Paul Timberman, Christmas Tree Episode

The joke in my family is that this character is based on my Opa, who has had several injuries in his life but never quite to the extreme as poor Paul Timberman.

I) Tickle Me Emo

This was one of the few Mad TV sketches that was able to get the YouTube treatment with people making hundreds of copies of it. This was a hilarious take on those damned Tickle Me Asshole Elmo dolls which came out at the time. What surprised me about that video was the debates some people would get into about Emo's. Some objected to Emo having a My Chemical Romance sticker on his vest but who gives a shit. It's funny. Laugh, damn you!!!

6) Mickey's Christmas Carol

I remember having this on tape as a little kid and probably haven't seen it in over 20 years. It's a very faithful adaptation of the Dickens classic and shorter than I remember considering that they are able to cram it into a half hour short feature. A lot of today's younger generation probably won't recognize some of the characters from less familiar Disney features but they're bound to enjoy it nonetheless. The scene with Scrooge falling into his grave near the end always freaked the shit out of me.
Say what you want about Disney being for little kids, it's a hell of a lot better than that damn adaptation with Jim Carrey from two years ago.

7) The Muppet Christmas Carol

I was bored last weekend and decided to see if this was any good and despite being mostly marketed at kids, this was actually pretty well done and more faithful than the Disney version above. Plus, it's got frickin' Michael Caine as Scrooge and he's awesome in almost everything.

What I actually like about this is that there aren't any familiar muppets as the three spirits that visit Scrooge. In fact, most people compare them to Harry Potter characters than anything Jim Henson created. It's your usual Muppet tale with humans interacting with creatures like it's an everyday thing and stuff like fruits and vegetables talking (Who eats that stuff?) and was the first Muppet movie made after Jim Henson died.
I think he'd be impressed with what they did.

Speaking of a Christmas Carol, I was hoping to find the 1999 version with Patrick Stewart but all I can find is just trailers from YouTube. I'm a bit let down that people nerdier than me haven't uploaded it because it's fucking Captain Picard playing Scrooge. Who wouldn't love to see that?

Simpsons Did It Last Week, Seth!!!

When I was a little kid, my parents were prudes and therefore, sucked at times. I remember being 10 years old and both of them denying me to watch The Simpsons. These days I do my best to prevent children from watching The Simpsons but that's for entirely different reasons which should be obvious to everyone.

However imagine my shock and amazement in 1999 when there was no objection to us watching Family Guy. Maybe my dad was starting to develop a sense of humour, maybe he was attracted by the  main character who may or may not remind others of him, who knows? But we used to watch it together and laugh...until it got cancelled.

What is the most commonly used phrase at the FOX network?

I was excited when it came back. However that excitement quickly faded when I saw that the episodes were...not bad (Not yet, anyway) but underwhelming. They just seemed focused on dragging scenes on and on with boring dialogue, repetitive jokes that didn't go anywhere and musical numbers that made it obvious the writers were putting little effort into what they were doing.

I haven't watched any episodes within the last two years because I got tired of the same jokes over and over and Seth MacFarlane singing. To me, it looked like they were going to keep milking this cow for as long as they could like The Simpsons did and he would do the same with American Dad and The Cleavland Show. It's not like a lot of creative process was going into the making of those shows anyway.

Do I need to go on?

So you can imagine my shock when I read this week that Seth MacFarlane was thinking about ending Family Guy. Now, this might have a lot of fanboys turning white with fear but I don't think you have anything to fear. Look, if he wants it to end, then he would have ended it. Don't be dumb like Larry King and think Seinfeld was cancelled; it went off the air because Jerry Seinfeld felt he had done enough and because he didn't want to do any more episodes.

So what's holding you back, Seth? Surely you read Internet message boards (Probably not) but even you have to know that the quality of the show has dropped big time. Talk to any fan and they'll most likely say that the stuff from the first three season were the best the show ever did.

Look, Seth, I know that people have accused you in the past of copying from The Simpsons but you're doing that right now. For the past two weeks there was all this talk about The Simpsons cast having to take a pay cut and whether it might mean the end of the show or not. Though given how often the show is on so much in syndication, they must be making royalties off of that (Occupy Evergreen Terrace, anyone?) and given how the show is shit these days, the pay cut is well deserved.

And all this talk about you wanting to bring back Star Trek to TV? Look, I already went into great detail about this on the last podcast I did for The Basement Vagrants, it's probably going to be a long time before we see Star Trek on TV and even then there's no guarantee it will succeed. Besides, you're already concerned with bringing The Flintstones back to TV (Cuz the 18-24 male demographic was begging for that) so just leave the 24th century alone.

And there might be some people who say, "Hey, he's a Trek fan and he also guest starred on episodes of Star Trek! Why not him?"

My response:

A) So what if he was a guest star on an episode? William Shatner was the star of the franchise and yet we still got the cosmic turd known as Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. And yeah, I know about the difficulties involved in making that film. I don't give a shit.

B) He was a guest star on an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise. And that's all I will say about that

In conclusion, I don't believe Seth when he says stuff like this. If he wanted to end it, he would have ended it or announced that this would be the last season. I personally think he's just making this up in a pathetic attempt to draw ratings. But if you are sincere in your claims, do it sooner than later.

What is the favourite activity of FOX animation writers?

Bringing Real Life to Sesame Street

Like a lot of kids, I watched Sesame Street when I was a little kid. By the time you're about four years old you've outgrown it but still, it's one of the first TV shows that you watch. And you can probably remember most of the characters: Big Bird, Snuffy, Grover, Elmo and of course Ernie and Bert.

Now, before I get into this whole controversy about the petition to get them married, let me just say that this never occurred to me until I was about 12. That was when Jerry Falwell was railing against the Teletubby known as Tinky Winky, insisting that he was a homosexual character. I remember a comedian suggesting that if Falwell go after any characters that were supposedly gay, he should go after Bert and Ernie.

Can you tell me how to get the hell out of this neighbourhood?

And yeah, everyone's joked about this but in all seriousness, come on, do you really think this stupid petition is going to work? They're fucking muppets, they don't have a sexual orientation. But I've seen things from the other side and thought, "Why should we stop with gay marriage for Bert and Ernie? Shouldn't this show cover other hot topic issues that younger audiences might care about?" I thought so and that's why I wrote a letter to Childrens Television Workshop, detailing some very interesting storylines which I'm sure views will enjoy.

1. Immigration-Maria and Luis decide to go on a cross country road trip but encounter some trouble when they enter the state of Arizona. It turns out that Luis has been living in the country illegally and now faces deportation! The residents of Sesame Street rally to try and get a good lawyer as well as teach children outside of North America how to keep a low profile while waiting for your fake green card to arrive in the mail.

Naturally I don't think this would work in real life because, I mean, come on, Sesame Street teaching kids to break the law? You're more likely to find an episode of Barney where he teaches those kids how to roll a joint.

This would attract the 18-39 demographic that always eludes them...

2. Hoarding-After black mold nearly kills him, Oscar the Grouch is confronted by the residents of Sesame Street about his lifestyle. It is revealed that Oscar has abandonment issues and fears losing everything of value which is why he holds onto everything...even if it really has no value. It is also revealed that Oscar hasn't bathed since the Truman administration.

This will be a great chance for Sesame Street to do a crossover with A&E's Hoarders. Plus, it'll teach children at an early age that no matter how bad you think your own life is, there's always someone on TV you can point to and say, "Holy shit, that dude's messed up!"

3. Narcissism-Elmo gets his ass kicked by people who are sick and tired of his dumb 'Tickle-Me' ass always speaking in the third person. He is encouraged to get well but also told that it will probably happen again unless he doesn't change his ways.

I don't care if I sound like a total asshole when I call for the beating and near death of a "beloved" television character. Would you want your kid to grow up always referring to themselves in the third person? No, it's annoying and you'd kick their ass if they weren't your kid. And if you say you wouldn't then you need your ass kicked.

Someone has to stop him...

4. Addiction-Everyone knows that Big Bird's best friend is Mr. Snuffeupagus, also commonly referred to as "Snuffy". But it is revealed that the nickname comes not from a shortening of his last name, but due to his addiction to cocaine. Snuffy is caught by Big Bird doing three lines of cocaine, each line a metre long. He insists that he can quit anytime but decides to go to rehab after nearly ODing outside Mr. Hooper's store.

This would be a great episode to show kids that it's OK to ask for help when you've really fucked up. And it would also show that if you care enough about your friends, you'll do anything you can to help them. Plus it would include special guest star Charlie Sheen as himself.

The way this guy spoke, you knew he was on something illegal

5. Facing Facts-I'm not sure about the rest of you, but sometimes when I was a little kid, I wasn't sure if Big Bird was a guy or just a really butchy female bird. Now it's obvious that he's a boy but since we're trying to cater to all audiences, why not just have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite?

Why not? Come on, everyone knows this one is true. You can have Big Bird admit that he's a hermaphrodite and have special guest star Lady Gaga do the same thing. That and have someone beat her up for her narcissism as well.

Oh you've gotta be kidding me. And I thought Paris Hilton was desperate for attention

Damn Your Eyes!

This summer, most of my TV viewing has one way or another involved Gordon Ramsay. If I'm not looking forward to catching the latest episode of Hell's Kitchen, I'm watching last night's installment of MasterChef. Yeah, they're formulaic as hell (Especially Hell's Kitchen) but they're still enjoyable, mostly because the challenges are interesting, the contestants have personalities and because Gordon Ramsay is the last person you could describe as boring.

But lately, I've picked up on something on MasterChef that's just...really annoyed me. Was it the faked audition shots? Not in the least. Was it a contestant who I wanted to smack upside the head? No. In fact it had to do with one of the judges. Don't worry, Chef Ramsay hasn't done anything wrong. He's been his usual self. It has to do with one of the other judges, Joe Bastianich.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed this but the next time you turn on MasterChef, or watch an episode on YouTube, pay particular attention to the scenes where the contestants present their dishes to the judges. Joy, for whatever reason he's got, always feels the need to stare at the contestants while he's eating. I'm not joking, he will be looking them in the eye while getting the food on the utensil, navigating the utensil to his mouth, opens his mouth, chews and swallows; eyes are all the contestant.

Just imagine his jaw moving up and down...up and down...

Come on, Joe, surely you have better manners than that. I mean, yeah, I know some people might excuse it as an attempt to put the pressure on the contestants. But here's the thing, I think that trying to cook a perfect dish to reflect a certain theme with a specific group of ingredients within a certain time frame against several other chefs who may be equally or more talented than you while being judged by two highly acclaimed chefs and a well established restaurateur with such a lucrative grand prize at stake is pressure enough.

Plus, is that how you eat dinner when your wife makes you dinner or you eat at a friend's place? Do you sit across from them and stare at them like a really bad Bond villain? Sorry, but it just doesn't seem like good table manners. And I don't care if there isn't a table on MasterChef, the staring is just creepy.

"Are these scallops...undercooked, Mr. Bond?"

Men, imagine you're at a urinal. All of a sudden some guy takes the one right next to you and while he's bleeding the lizard, he stares at you. He's not looking at your dick, he's looking at your face. No emotion on his face, just big wide eyes, trying to size you up while he's pissing as well. You'd be a little uncomfortable to say the least.

Look, I have nothing against the guy, he's very knowledgeable and very successful. Just...stop looking at people when you're eating their food. It's like you're trying too hard to stand out and hope some executive at the Food Network offers you your own show. That or you're worries the contestants are going to take the food from you.

Don't F@&! With Alex Trebeck

I can remember being four years old and sitting at the TV with my dad while he watched Jeopardy and got almost all of the questions answers correct. I often wondered what it would be like if he were to ever go on the show but thankfully TV provided the answer for me.

Anyway, one thing associated with Jeopardy, aside from the music during the Final Jeopardy segment, was it's host Alex Trebek. Always there with that 'stache of his till about ten years ago, I thought that he was...well, just a little...bland. Never really did anything exciting, not that it was expected of him, however I think the show would have had better ratings if he acted more like he did when filming this commercial. Imagine someone screwing up the Daily Double and Alex tells you the correct response before muttering, "Dumb bastard." That's a great way to get big ratings without using creepy Ken Jennings.

Not gonna lie, Ken. Mormons freak the hell out of me

Well forget all I said in the last paragraph because according to the news, you don't wanna fuck with Alex Trebek...especially when you try to steal from him. Yeah, the dude is 71, his hair is pretty white, not a spring chicken. Still, I'm willing to risk anything to say that Alex Trebek would have kicked this woman's ass! I mean, shit, she's lucky that the dude wasn't even five years younger, he probably could have done some serious damage.

Picture it, it's late, everyone's either sleeping and out partying. You're sneaking through Trebek's apartment, stealing his tailor-made suits, cutting holes in his briefs, thinking how you've dealt him the biggest bruise to his ego since Sean Connery when all of a sudden the door bursts open. There's Trebek, anger in his eyes and vengeance in his words.

"The category is 'Your Life'," he says in the familiar voice that you can recognize almost anywhere. "The answer is: 'A broken arm, a ruptured spleen, several missing teeth, broken ribs and Alex Trebek's shoe stuck firmly in your ass."

While Trebek speaks, all that's going through your mind (Aside from his words) is whether or not Trebek will mind that you've just ruined the floor in the room by pissing your pants all over it. You stumble to explain yourself and beg for mercy but you're cut off.

"The correct response is, 'What injuries will Alex Trebek inflict on me in the next thirty seconds?'"

And then your world goes dark.

Still, even though that's not what happened, this woman is lucky that she got out of this with her life. Trebek could have just run away like a little girl and called for security but instead, he took matters into his own hands. Probably didn't turn out the way he had hoped but the woman was arrested, likely to face prison time and most likely spending the rest of her life thanking God that she was spared the wrath of Alex Trebek.

"Tell that punk Sajak he's next if he doesn't watch his step."

Shocker! Amy Winehouse is Dead!!!

A little over a year ago I wrote a piece about former teen actress and current waste of space, Lindsay Lohan. She had just been sentenced to a light prison sentence where she would be cut off from the booze and drugs but have plenty of access to any lesbian inmate she wanted and I applauded the decision. As I mentioned in that article, addicts piss me off.

And while I've made jokes about another addict in the past, I never wrote a page about her probably because I assumed she would just OD one day and that there was no point. However she kind of hung on and escaping death like my idiot cat, Butch. But the Grim Reaper can't be held off forever and today it seems that Amy Winehouse has done her last line...either in the form of music or cocaine. Take your pick. And yes, no cause of death has been confirmed yet but...come on, use your head.

How I signed my reaction to Amy Winehouse's death (I have a sore throat)

Look, I know that for members of her family, her friends and to fans that this must be a really sad day for them, but come on, it's not like she was making headlines for her singing ability lately. Every other article was about her fucking up a stage show, her entering or leaving rehab or how someone close to her was worried she might not be around too long if she didn't get her act together.

Go on YouTube and type in "Amy Winehouse Drunk" and you'll find that those videos have more views and comments than any video of her where she's actually singing or aware of what month it is. The woman was a wreck, looked like one and moved like one on stage.

Don't believe me? Check out this video and tell me if I'm wrong. Hell, if anything, the title is misleading because it says she "Performs". However, if you go to an Amy Winehouse performance, do you expect to see her sing or walk around the stage like a blind man who's just been hit in the head with a baseball bat and ask band members where she can score some coke?

Wait, this is Amy Winehosue, so chances are that "sing" was the last thing you expected. And if you did, it probably wasn't worth what you paid.

I know I might be a little cold and downright mean with my words right now but one thing I can't get over is that she was just 27. That's just two years older than me. Imagine that, you're in the prime of your life and for the past couple of years all you've done is just self-destruct and piss away everything you ever did or wanted to do? Like with Lohan, I would love to have the adoring fans, the ability to inspire, to have fans waiting for my autograph. And besides, what the hell was so hard about your life that you needed drugs and alcohol to end it?

Look, I enjoy a good drink. At Aaron's bachelor party I was drunk to the point where after I downed a shot of God knows what, I raised my arms and proclaimed, "I AM A MAN!!!" and continued to wolf down a deep fried cheesecake. But I know my limits. I don't do it every night, every week or every month even. In fact, the last time I can remember having anything alcoholic was at Aaron's wedding.

Is it sad that she's dead? Yes, of course. But we shouldn't act surprised by it or any other celebrity who spends more time at the Betty Ford Clinic than doing their job. Honestly, let's just make Robert Downey Jr. a motivational speaker for retarded celebrities who didn't get the message even after South Park put is so plainly for us.

This was the best picture of her I could find of her

As a final note, I would like to say that while Amy Winehouse was indeed a talented singer, it's a shame that the troubles she brought into her personal life overshadowed all the accomplishments she made (and could have made) in her professional life.

Bad Movies Happen in Threes

Despite the fact that I often use the Superman logo to define my identity and do enjoy the Man of Steel, my favourite superhero of all time is Batman. And like everyone else, I saw The Dark Knight and thought that it was made of awesome. They had taken Batman Begins, fixed the shitty fight sequences and turned it into a masterpiece.

Now of course, in the years that have passed, fans have been eagerly awaiting the sequel, The Dark Knight Rises, which is due out next year. It'll be featuring Catwoman and Bane as the main villains. Personally, I'm a bit mixed about Bane considering how useless he was in Batman and Robin, but if anyone can bring to life the original character from the comics, a man who could recognize that Bruce Wayne was Batman just by looking at him, it's director Christopher Nolan. Our villain...who got beat in less than one minute by Chris O'Donnell and Alicia Silverstone. Lame!

Since we're just a little more than a year away from it's release, a website for the film has already been set up and a poster has been released. And to further whet the appetites of film goers, a teaser trailer was leaked onto YouTube via some guy's camera phone. I can't really make a lot out of what's there but at the same time, I'm really intrigued and wondering how they're going to close out this series.

And at the same time...I'm nervous as shit about it. Let's face it, The Dark Knight is probably the best superhero movie ever and nothing in maybe the next twenty years will be able to top it (Unless Rises does it somehow) and...well, sometimes it's the third movie in a series where the quality really drops. Let's look over a few examples, shall we? Oh and these examples probably contain spoilers, I guess.

"What do you mean Kevin Conroy is dubbing all my dialogue in the next movie!?"

1) Star Trek III: The Search for Spock-Ah, the sequel that started the 'Odd-Numbered-Trek-Movies-Suck' rule. But if I can be blunt, while this movie isn't as good as it's predecessor, Wrath of Khan, what is? Seriously, the last movie had space battles in nebulas, torpedoes blowing off engines and to top it all, the most popular character in the franchise sacrificing himself to save his friends.

This movie is by no means terrible, it just had the unfortunate duty of following a movie that put Star Trek back on the pop-culture map. Still, it's got good special effects for it's day which still hold up in my view (I prefer models over CGI starships), a good story and Christopher Lloyd as a Klingon commander. What's to bitch about? If you want something to bitch about, trust me, that's what the rest of this list is for.Spoiler Alert: They find him

2) Superman III-Oh God, talk about a drop that was faster than a speeding bullet. The first movie was a great adventure for the whole family with a simple story, great actors and stellar direction. The sequel continued that story with three dangerous villains from Krypton teaming up with Lex Luthor to rule the world and destroy a conflicted Superman. It really made you look forward to the third movie. Which villain from Superman's Rogue Gallery would be used? Brainiac? Bizzaro? But it would be neither. The producers decided to do something totally unexpected. With two great films under their belt, what could the filmmakers do to take a Supercrap on a promising franchise?

They cast Richard Pryor. Look, I'm not saying Pryor is not funny. His standup is hilarious, he's an influence to millions of comedians and drug users but...Jesus Christ was casting him just a bad idea. In fact...the whole movie was a bad idea. They replace Lex Luthor with this guy who's just Luthor with a different name, the fight between Clark Kent and Superman (Yeah, you read that right) and the so called 'comedy' in the film. If there's one thing I remember liking in this movie, it's this scene. But don't worry, if this abomination didn't kill the franchise, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace finished the job."I've come to save this franchise from any future credibility."

3. Batman Forever-The first two Batman movies directed by Tim Burton were really good. However, after the first two he handed the role of director over to Joel Schumacher. Where Burton's films were dark and gothic, Schumacher just made everything really...campy.

Remember how the villains from the first two were dark, menacing and intriguing? Too bad, because now we got loud, annoying and making us wish we were watching a better movie (An omen of things to come for Jim Carrey's later work). Oh and they finally decided to throw Robin into the mix. But instead of him being a teenager like he normally was in the comics (I refuse to believe Batman would let a nine-year old fight crime), they thought that casting 25 year old Chris O'Donnell was the best move. Cause there's nothing that can be misinterpreted by Bruce Wayne allowing a grown man to come and live with him.

Oh and Tommy Lee Jones was just forgettable as Two-Face. Oh and way to piss on the character's personality by having him constantly flipping the coin until he gets the result he wants. The coin in his only judge. Once a decision has been made, it is done. There is no appeal, no nothing.

And what's with that title anyway? Batman Forever sounds like something a fanboy would write as his Facebook status after getting an autograph from Adam West. But to the film's credit, at least it wasn't Batman and Robin.

Little known fact: Billy Dee Williams (Lando) was originally supposed to play Two-Face

4. The Godfather Par III-How the mighty had fallen. The story of the first two Godfather movies is almost like a Greek tragedy while the third movie is just a tragedy in and of itself. What hurt this movie? The absence of Robert Duvall as Tom Hagen? The casting of Sophia Coppola as Micahel's daughter? The whole kissing cousins subplot? Connie being too dumb to know that Michael had Fredo killed?

I've only seen this movie once and it just didn't feel right. In my eyes, it was like watching a movie that was trying to be like The Godfather but just came up really short. On the one hand, I can see why they would want to make a sequel but on the other hand, after 16 years, it just didn't really make any sense. Michael at the end of Part II had beaten all of his enemies yet was probably hurt the hardest with his wife leaving him and choosing to murder his own brother. Let's hope that we just leave this series where it is. Yeah, this is what mafia movies need: More incest!

5. Spider-Man 3-How could I possibly forget about this series? It started out with such promise. Granted it wasn't without flaws; the first movie had atrocious dialogue that I would write when I was still in grade school and the second movie...well, I think it's overrated. Granted I've only seen it once but it didn't leave that big an impact on me like it did everyone else.

However I was excited for the third movie because they were going to be bringing in Venom, played by Topher Grace along with Thomas Hayden Church as the Sandman and James Franco now out for revenge against Peter Parker for apparently killing his father in the first movie. I knew right then and there that it was too much for just one movie.

Having Sandman be Uncle Ben's real killer to me cheapened the impact of Peter's discovery in the first film. I sat there thinking, "It took you that long to figure this out? Wait, the original guy you caught, yeah, he was an accomplice, but he didn't even try to make some sort of deal with the cops?"

Oh and then there's the issue of Harry finding out his father died by his own hand. What the hell was that butler waiting for? Harry had already gotten his face fucked up by a bomb because of his revenge due to this guy not telling the truth and NOW he thinks this is the best time to tell him, "Oh, hey, Spider-Man is totally innocent"? I would be beating the shit out of that old dude and I don't care if his brother was President Taft or not.

And then there was Venom...what little there was. Why did they have to show Topher Grace's face every time he spoke as Venom? We know who Venom is. Stop reminding us. We're not retarded. How would you have liked it if every time Batman spoke in The Dark Knight I nudged you in the ribs and shouted, "That's Bruce Wayne played by Christian Bale...in case you forgot!!!"

And of course, what kind of person would I be if I didn't mention emo-Peter or that god damned fucking stupid dance scene. That's the direction you wanted to take this movie? You have Peter Parker, slowly being taken over by an alien organism that is changing his behaviour and actions...and a fucking dance scene was the best thing you could come up with? I'm sorry, but did you call in Joel Schumacher to write this scene? I watched the Spider-Man cartoon when they did the Venom storyline and nowhere, nowhere was there any stupid dance scene!

Are you trying to show anger or constipation cause right now either one is making me laugh

I think I might be worrying about nothing when it comes to The Dark Knight Rises. After all, the people behind these movies have shown that they want to do adult stories for adult audiences and not take said audience for granted. But still, if there's a dance scene...even if it's a small one, cut it from the film.