Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Star Wars: Episode VII- Attack of the Retarded Fanboys

I don't have a problem too much with fans of Star Wars mainly because I'm one as well. And there are fans even bigger than me (Both in size and loyalty to the franchise) who have read the books that take place after Return of the Jedi and that's fine. I myself tried reading a few of them and just couldn't get into them. All I do know is that for some reason in 1999, they killed Chewbacca. Yeah, one of the most popular characters in the franchise got killed in paperback form.

So, let's get this straight. Fan reaction to Chewbacca is positive so therefore he must die in a story that no one but the die-hard fans will read.

Jar-Jar Binks is perhaps one of the most hated fictional characters ever and yet somehow his disembowelment scene in Revenge of the Sith (A scene which would have redeemed Lucas in the eyes of millions-nay, billions!) was left on the cutting room floor.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject. Back to the fans.

I don't have any problems with the ones who dress up as their favourite character when going to conventions because it is a gathering of fans and that's how they show their love for the franchise.

But one thing I can't stand is when fans go so far as to try and actually meld the Star Wars universe into real life, like this asshat below did.

Just look at those don't wanna know what he does with his lightsaber in private

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Chris Jarvis; a self proclaimed Jedi Knight. To make a long story short, let me just post the link to his tale of woe and read how even in the 21st century, Jedi's still aren't treated as real people!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away

Now that you've wiped away your tears let me bring you back to reality which is a place that Chris Jarvis has been out of contact with for some time.

Number One: Just take your fucking hood off. I know it must pain you, Chris, that you started to go bald at around age 24 but just accept this: At age 31 you're as bald as Telly Savalas and you're not going to get hair like Ewan McGregor just because you wear a hood and call yourself a Jedi. Hell, you admit to becoming a Jedi only last year simply because it would enable you to wear a hood. Wear a wig.

Also, the Jedi in the movies spend more time with their hoods OFF than they do wearing them. When they removed their hoods, which is how they are often revealed in the movies, they didn't stop being Jedi. They just stopped being Jedi who wore hoods. In fact, the longest instance I can recall a Jedi wearing their hood in the movies was when Obi-Wan fought Vader for the last time in the first Star Wars movie...and then he died. Maybe Jarvis was just hoping someone would try to kill him and see if his body would mysteriously vanish too...

Using Jarvis' logic, none of these people are Jedi because they don't have hoods on

And if this asshat would actually pay attention to the movies he loves, he would notice that when indoors, Jedi's usually removed their hoods when talking to people because it's the polite thing to do. Look at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon in The Phantom Menace: They walk into the conference room and take off their hoods.


Because when you're trying to get somewhere with someone, be it to get them to remove their blockade from a planet or inquire about your disability benefits, it's best to do it with your hood off. How the fuck are they supposed to take you seriously?

Which of these Jedi Knights with an English accent had to be asked to remove their hood?

Number Two: You probably weren't dressed as a Jedi. See, again if you weren't such a fucking asshat, you would probably realize that the Jedi Knights shop at the same outlet mall on Endor and wear practically identical robes. They look like Jedi. The hood comes with the robes. You most likely were wearing some hoodie your girlfriend found at a Bargain Bin that had been vomited on by it's previous owner.

Does anyone else find it gross that Obi-Wan has been wearing the same robes for 40 years?

Number Three: You look extremely disturbing with a hood on. Seriously, I wasn't joking about what you probably do with your lightsaber in private. You don't look like a Jedi with the hood on, take it off, soften the image because at the moment you look like a Sith Lord who just got busted on Tatooine's version of To Catch a Predator.

Believe it or not, Chris Jarvis is a father of three children and currently lives with his girlfriend. How any woman can put up with a retard like this is beyond me. Hey, maybe he used a Jedi mind trick on her to get laid.

And by Jedi mind trick, I mean roofies.

Number Four: You don't live your life like a Jedi. In the article, Jarvis says the following about his religion: "'I am a Star Wars follower. It means following the way of the Jedi."
That's all good and everything but if that's so then why are you suing? You've gotten your apology, now you want to go even further by filing a lawsuit. What you're really after is (aside from a nice payoff) is revenge. Revenge is not a trait of the Jedi, you nerf herder!
Take it from your God, George Lucas: When making the final film of the first trilogy, it was originally titled Revenge of the Jedi, but Lucas strongly suggested they changed it because he felt that revenge was not of the ways of the Jedi.

Hence why the final film in the last trilogy was titled REVENGE of the Sith, you fucking asshat! You were afraid of being persecuted by others after this and this has lead to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. This is from Episode I, dickhead, so don't act too surprised by this!

And in case you need reminding, the Jedi in the prequel series (Which is where we see the biggest number of them ) suck! Three of them get killed within ten seconds of fighting a wrinkled old man, they don't do anything about the slaves on Tatooine and most of the time they just sit on their ass talking about getting things done but nothing happens. It's like watching the Obama administration in space. Why would you want to be like these people? Oh right, cause you're bald and have a microscopic penis.

"Stupid your lawsuit is."

Number five: STAR WARS IS A MOVIE! I don't care how much you love it. You can love it like a religion but when you start trying to incorporate that fictional world into real life then I'm afraid you need a swift kick in the balls. Seriously, what if Jar-Jarvis went to the grocery store and when he goes to pay for it the cashier says, "I only accept Republic credits"? In fact, I hope that happens. I love Star Wars as much as the next guy but...grow up. You're 31 years old and going around telling people that you're a Jedi. But aside from having Mace Windu's power of not growing hair on the top of your head, what abilities do you have?

So in conclusion, people like Chris Jar-Jarvis are prime examples of why some people hate Star Wars: Fans act like complete retards who have no idea how the real world works. I hope the judge throws his case out and tells him to get a job like the actors who pretended to be Jedi did when they stopped making Star Wars movies.

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