You Have To Go Now

I have sort of a love/hate relationship with people who can't take a hint. On one hand it annoys me that they can't see the obvious when it is put right in front of them time after time after time and it makes me want to bash their head open with a snow shovel since the truth isn't doing much good.

One the other hand, if they did take the hint, I would have nothing to write about and lay around my apartment in my underwear while watching episodes of Batman: The Animated Series and feasting on gummy worms.

Behold! The secret to my girlish figure

Which brings us to today's subject: Jennifer Aniston. First let me start off by saying that I never liked the show Friends. I thought it was stupid. The characters were stupid. And I literally mean that; it seemed that every character on this show was a few IQ points from drooling and the inability to control their bowels.

I don't know how a show about stupid people in stupid situations in a reality where no black people live in New York could stay on for ten years, but it managed. And when it went off the air a big sigh escaped my mouth. No longer would I have to see previews for their shitty finale and speculation about whether the ratings for the finale would beat the record set by M*A*S*H*.

So with your once popular TV show now off the air and your desire to stay relevant as strong as ever, naturally the smart move is to go into movies. It mostly worked for Aniston cause her husband at the time was Brad Pitt and if he can't get you a job, you might as well just put your resume in at Foot Locker and join the original cast of Degrassi High.

"Who still has a career? That's right, me. Eat it, Jeremiah!"

But as we all know Brad Pitt got tired of Jennifer Aniston and decided to ditch her for Angelina Jolie and piss off every single guy alive. Not that I blame him however. True, I think Jolie is a home wrecker but if I was living with Jennifer Aniston, it could have been a wrecking ball for all I care, just get her away from me.

Now, some of you may think, "Schweitzer-Man, you're being a jackass saying that Aniston was getting in movies because she was married to Brad Pitt."

First off, I'm always a jackass. If this surprises you then I'll let George Takei sum up my feelings towards you. Second, have any of the other cast members of Friends been seen working since 2004? Hell, has David Schwimmer been seen alive since 2004? Oh sure, Matthew Perry had that shitty Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip show on NBC for about four hours but we all know he was just back to playing Chandler.

Let's face it, all Jennifer Aniston has done since Friends went off the air has churn out crap after crap after crap followed by crap with Vince Vaughn to promote their sham of a relationship. But lately she's been appearing more and more. It's like she realizes that no one really cares about her anymore and couldn't care less if she forgives Angelina and is trying to get as much cash as possible before appearing on Dancing with the Stars. Here's a thought, Jennifer. Why don't you star in something other than a shitty romantic comedy?

Bateman's face has me convinced he's thinking, "Smells salty but I bet it's OK to drink."

Go on Broadway or do an independent movie. Or go away. Seriously, what you're doing right now just isn't working. I'm sure you wish it was 1998 again and you were the star of NBC's best comedy and you were married to one of Hollywood's top leading men. But he's moved onto bigger and hotter things while you just keep churning out crap.

I did like you in Office Space. Try appearing in movie's that have original scripts.

Back Home...by that I mean Calgary

After a week in humid Ontario, I'm back in my comfortable basement apartment, munching on a late meal of Burger King. It was a nice, relaxing time with my family but it has made me come to the conclusion that no one in my family has much luck when it comes to flying. Now granted, I did have trouble getting into Toronto last Saturday but goddammit, I saw something on the wing trying to sabotage us! I don't care if William Shatner is the only one who believes me, it happened.

The next time Shatner looked at something this horrible, he watched Star Trek: Generations

Not much has changed in the neighborhood where I grew up except that there are a lot more windmills around than the last time I was there. In fact, there were no windmills. Holy crap were there a lot of them. Sad thing was none of them were moving.

"They look like TIE Fighters," observed my dad as we were driving into Essex.
Ooh, nice try to nerd it up, Dad, but to the more experienced and seasoned dork, these windmills clearly look more like Shuttle Tydirium from Return of the Jedi.

This looks like the windmills in Essex County...

...while this does not.

It was nice to see my whole family on both sides as well considering that closest I get to a family are the few glimpses I get of my landlords now that I work midnights and their two babies who will jabber non stop if you let them though when they do it's quite funny.

One thing that I really missed (to the amazement of my cousin who couldn't have cared less) was the discussions that my father's side of the family has with each other. It leads to arguments, clashes of ideology and philosophy, statements that if captured on film would prevent any member of my family from running for office. But in the end it all ends with us hugging, saying goodbye and treasuring the time that we have together.

Of course my mother had to cry at the airport. To throw fuel on the fire that was her sorrow I was tempted to bring along a baby picture to show off my divine cuteness but decided not to risk it considering she would claim I was an Al-Qaeda operative and that it wasn't an alarm clock I was bring back, just to keep me a little longer.

How could you say 'goodbye' to that face?

"I'll miss cooking with you," she sobbed. One thing about both sides of my family is that we know good food and we know how to make it. My last night consisted off a turkey dinner to make up for all the holidays I had misssed. However, I do plan to get back this December in time for Christmas.

Not your standard Saturday night dinner but that's why my family kicks ass

Irony is a Bitch

At times when I don't feel like writing, I'll see something and then have five paragraphs about it in three minutes.

But when I do feel like writing, I spend twenty minutes staring at a blank screen, experimenting with a good opening line until I say, "Fuck it" and watch Family Guy online

Where can I get a hat like that?

Be a NINJA!!!!!

I was at the gym recently and as I was leaving I saw a flyers on the desk that I had overlooked before. Always looking for new reading material, I picked it up and saw the following explanation in the top right corner:

Ninjutsu: Ninjutsu was developed as a collection of fundamental survivalist techniques in the warring states of feudal Japan.

My first immediate thought was, "Ninjas live in Calgary?" and wondering if this was foreshadowing to me entering a time vortex and getting sucked back in feudal Japan so that I could keep the entire cast of The Last Samurai from crying at the end of the movie.

"Oh, hai."

Some of you may think I'm going to start knocking martial arts but the truth is I'm not. I have great respect for it considering that Bruce Lee is one of my idols. But I'm just taking a look at the flyer and examining what else it explains about this course.
Well, it seems that before you can get to Ninjutsu, you first must conquer the five levels of Taijutsu.

Well, wait a minute, isn't that the biggest tease ever. You lure people in by telling that you're going to train them to be a ninja...only after they've mastered another form of fighting. OK, let's examine the five levels.

A moment most Chuck Norris fans would like to forget

Level 1: Earth-This is where you learn the foundation of your training with physical exercise, basic punches and kicks, rolling, and dodging

Why would you roll if you can dodge? For that matter, when have you ever seen anyone actually roll on the ground when fighting...aside from those near-homoerotic moments in UFC. The only time I can recall someone rolling in a fight was Bruce Lee and that was when he had a whole Japanese dojo charging at him before he bitch-slapped them with his nunchuks.

Level 2: Water-In water, you learn to be flexible, to "go with the flow", soft strikes, leadership and basic grappling

You know, you could have just used (again) Bruce Lee's famously quoted, "Be water, my friend" speech. Would have been so much cooler


Level 3: Fire-Fire is all about independence; where you start to take what you have learned and make it fit your body type. Fast and explosive is the training method for this level and to learn the meaning of full commitment

That's fire? OK, you better hope a lot of people who sign up aren't people who have seen Naruto otherwise you're going to have some pissed off anime nerds on your hands.

Maybe he's a dragon and not a ninja...

Level 4: Wind-Getting into distance fighting, and reading body language, to learn how to anticipate the next move, and how to talk your way out of a situation with the confidence to back it up

Bruce Lee wouldn't have walked away...I'm just sayin'...

Level 5: Void-Void is where it all starts to come together. Combining all 4 levels and learning the history of the system, to prepare you for your Black Belt.

Void? Sorry, just seems like kind of an empty title (Ha...ha). Especially if it's the level where you bring everything together

Hey, hold on a second! Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Void...sounds kinda familiar. You know what, if you substituted "Heart" for "Void", that sounds like something out of a bad Ted Turner environmental cartoon show.

Now this class makes sense to me. You learn these five stages and combine them to make you start your path to being a ninja. So let's just call the fifth level Heart because to me that makes more sense. So, Earth, Water, Fire, Wind and Heart.
When the five Levels combine, they summon Earth's greatest champion:
NINJA CAPTAIN PLANET!!!

All kidding aside, the course does sound interesting and if I wasn't so lazy at times, had reliable transportation and wasn't such a boxing fanatic that commitment to any other sports seems like heresy. Besides, I think just learning the five levels of taijutsu would be enough. I mean, in freakin' Calgary, do you think we have a need for ninjas?

Also, if I'm in a fight, do you think your opponent is going to give you time to remember what pocket you left your shuriken in?

"Hi, I'm Naruto, and I have the most unrealistic outfit related to my profession since April O'Neil. Believe it!!!

Her Misery Equals My Satisfaction

Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan was known for having a movie career and not for wild drinking binges and dating a bull-dyke DJ for a while. It's too bad because Lohan did had potential. Mean Girls was a good movie but other than that, what good or even barely watchable movie has Lindsay Lohan made in the past six years?

Get it? The movie is called "Herbie: FULLY LOADED" and she's an alcoholic. This stuff just writes itself sometimes

It pissed me off that a star with such potential was blowing it all away with drugs and DUIs considering how around that time nothing would have made me happier than to be an actor in Hollywood. But since that never happened for me, I have to settle for the next best thing which is mocking the ones who were lucky enough to make it big only to fuck it up with their own stupidity.

So yeah, after Mean Girls and a few gigs hosting SNL it suddenly seemed that the only reason she was making headlines was because people wanted to know if she was possibly going to rehab or going to go down on Wilmer Valderamma.

"Hi, has anyone seen my career? I lost it ever since That 70's Show went off the air."

And it just went downhill from there. She wasn't making any good movies, her own family was saying that she was out of control (That's like the Manson family saying that Squeaky might be losing it) and that she was just going through a phase with her new girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Her partying was holding up production of her films and at one point a pissed off studio executive publicly released a letter to Lohan where he criticized her work ethic and flat out stated that everyone knows that her so-called "exhaustion" was because she had been up the previous night drinking.

So beyond that, various stints in rehab followed by being busted for driving drunk and possession of cocaine it made me and a few other people scratch our heads and say, "Why the fuck are you famous?" It seemed that Lohan wanted to have a career similar to Robert Downey Jr...except the Robert Downey Jr from 10 years ago, not the one who made a remarkable comeback which totally made us forget about his sordid past.

Lohan later insisted she was doing research for her next movie which would be titled "The Lindsay Lohan Story".

As I mentioned before, her behaviour pissed me off because I wished that I was in the position that she was in. Just to make it clear, I'm referring to her having a career in Hollywood, not having a record for projectile vomit...which is also her career in Hollywood. Anyway, where it used to make me mad, it makes me laugh and cheer whenever I hear that this dumb bitch has gotten herself waist deep in shit.

Addicts piss me off. That's not to say that I don't have sympathy for them because if you're willing to get better and put in an honest to god effort, then I applaud you and hope that your life gets better with each passing day. But those like Lohan who constantly appear in court, beg for one more chance and say how they want to get their life back on track only to go back to the clubs after their get out of court, fuck 'em.

So, Lindsay, being the dummy that she is, decided that she would go to the Cannes Film Festival just a few days before a very important court appearance which could affect her freedom. Naturally, Lindsay is an idiot and somehow "lost" her passport. My theory on what happened to it? She got so drunk and high on a mixture of cocaine and Mr. Clean that she ate it. I've heard that Mr. Clean gives you the munchies.

Hey, aren't you the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation?

So Lindsay came back home, got scolded by a judge who had to put her vacation on hold to sentence Lindsay's dumb bleach-blond ass and told to wear a bracelet that would monitor whether she was drinking or getting high as well as go to alcohol counselling.

Naturally it should come to no surprise that Lohan's bracelet went off one night while she was at a bar. But, gasp!, Lindsay claims that it went off only because alcohol was spilt on the device. Well, I'm sure that after downing enough shots that would put my younger sister in the hospital, Lindsay was bound to lose her balance a bit and spill some on herself.

But today has to be the crown jewel in her career. Facing the same judge she pissed off from before by fucking up her vacation, Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in jail. And the funny thing is, it was for missing her alcohol counselling. I mean, come on, Lindsay, you couldn't just fake it through the counselling and try your hardest to stay awake during the sessions?

I think I've watched that video more than five times by now. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I love more than to see someone get what's coming to them. But I have no idea why she's crying? Prison's not so bad for a girl like her, hasn't she ever watched an episode of OZ? You can get drugs easily and find other lesbians to party with. Wipe your tears, this is a vacation for you.

"Does prison have an open bar?"

Personally, I think if she serves the 90 days, she might come out a better person. I was one of the many lobbying for capital punishment against Paris Hilton but it seems that after her stint in the slammer she seemed to have straightened out her act. But if I were a betting man, I'd say Lindsay tries to hang herself in her cell after realizing that after jail, she'll be expected to go to rehab.

Seriously...What the hell are you thinking?

I was a bit shocked a few days ago when it was announced that longtime CNN talk-show host Larry King would be retiring in the fall. It was something that I never thought he would do considering that Morley Safer and the rest of the gang on 60 Minutes are still going strong despite their combined ages being greater than that of this universe.


But I'm not one to dictate the life of Larry King so I decided to sit down one night after work and watch him discuss his impending retirement with Bill Maher. They were talking about who would replace him and Larry then said one of the most horrifying things I've ever heard come out of the mouth of a Jew (Though my Opa could probably think of worse):
"If he was interested in politics, I'd recommend Ryan Seacrest to replace me."


If this is news to you then you're probably wondering where that slapping sound came from. Well, that ladies and gentlemen, was you. You just did a facepalm at how god damn stupid Larry King could be for wanting Ryan Seacrest to replace him.


Think about it. Larry King, one of the most respected interviewers of the last 25 years or so, a man who has interviewed anyone worth interviewing from people like Mike Tyson (Fresh out of prison, I might add), presidential candidates and even though it hasn't happened, I'm sure Jesus Christ himself would stop by the set to sit down and answer interesting questions like:


1) Did you ever get over the whole, "Mary Magadalene was a prostitute" thing?


2) Do you ever think about having kids of your own?


3) Have you spoken to Judas over the centuries, tried to patch things up?


4) Does it bother you that I don't believe in you?


5) Aren't you supposed to be white?


Anyway, back to what I was saying, you're going to have Larry King replaced by the guy who hosts American Idol? Come on, Ryan Seacrest isn't a journalist. He's a DJ. Besides, they already gave him a TV show back in 2004. What, you don't remember On Air with Ryan Seacrest? Of course you don't because nobody watched it, hence why it was cancelled less than a year into it's run.


I don't know why I'm getting so upset by this since Larry admitted that Seacrest doesn't have any interest in politics and therefore probably wouldn't fit into the role very well. But just the thought of it. It's bad enough that real journalism is dead in this world but when you replace an icon like Larry King with Ryan Seacrest, it makes me want to quit this world.

In all honesty, why not have me replace you Larry? I'm sure I'd look good in suspenders, I do enjoy American politics, I have a direct style that cuts through the bullshit and I promise I won't ask Jerry Seinfeld really stupid questions like, "Your show didn't get cancelled did it?"

What the Hell Happened to You?

As usual, after writing my last blog post I got incredibly lazy and decided that my genius at poking fun at Gary Coleman's untimely death would hold me over for at least another six months, give or take the odd poop joke I might make out of desperation and writer's block.

However then my older yet less conceited sister got some exclusive blogging gig for a think tank and is now receiving gifts of frankincense and myrrh in praise when what she should be getting is a double facepalm for attending such a farce. One of the speakers it turns out is a transgendered porn star who doesn't have a penis-figure that one out.
Wait, people paid $4000 to sit in on this?

"Palms up, Number One."

To make matters worse, my own father managed to have his recent letter to the editor of the local paper published and also had it declared "Letter of the Day". I know I have to step up my game when a man in his fifties who has shouting arguments with the television is outdoing me.

It's sad when a great talent like myself happens to let vanity and ego get to his head and believes that anything will be golden simply because I am me. But luckily I'm not the first person this has happened to and I've realized the error of my ways so that unlike the people on this list, you won't look at and say, "Wow, you used to do great stuff...what the hell happened to you?"

My father makes the same face whenever he makes a mistake playing Jeopardy at home


1) Robin Williams-Ah, Mork, what the hell happened to you? Your improvisation skills were second to none, you could make anyone laugh by doing the simplest things, even more impressive was the episode of Happy Days where you convinced the world that someone could go on a date with Penny Marshall without downing twelve shots of vodka beforehand (Though maybe that scene was left on the cutting room floor....INVESTIGATE!!!).
To make a good thing better, you were equally as talented when you were doing non-comedies. I loved Dead Poet's Society in high school, Insomnia is really underrated in my opinion and One Hour Photo was eerie on an Anthony Perkins level. And of course, you won an Academy Award for Good Will Hunting.

So what the hell happened? You keep churning out crap like the rectum of a man who survives on a diet of laxatives. License to Wed, what the hell were you thinking? Didn't it bother you that your character (A priest) had this little kid following you around wherever you went, which included the back of a van late at night?

Really, Robin, I thought you knew better. But from What Dreams May Come to Death to Smoochy to Old Dogs, you should sit down, watch the last couple of movies you've made, count the number of times you laugh and if you have more fingers than laughs, fire your agent.

Don't feel too bad, Robin. The guy on your right has been on a much worse streak than yours...which leads us to...

2) John Travolta-I'm getting sick and tired of all these idiots who claim that Pulp Fiction somehow "saved John Travolta's career". No...not at all. Before Pulp Fiction, Travolta's career was like a man who had a gun in his mouth ready to pull the trigger. But then Pulp Fiction comes around...which to some people is akin to a man with a gun in his mouth removing said gun.

But the truth is Pulp Fiction was the equivalent to a man who has a gun in his mouth, pulls the trigger but somehow ends up surviving so that they end up demented, deformed, barely recognizable but still alive through the grace of God or whatever deity you believe in.
That's Travolta's post-Fiction career.

His face=Travolta's movie career

I don't think I can make it any clearer than that. Battlefield Earth, Domestic Disturbance and Be Cool make it painfully clear that you Be Stupid with the decisions towards your career. Why not just be a pilot for the rest of your life? You'll have a dog who can sniff out bombs for you instead of making them into movies.

3) Steve Martin-Ah, another master of comedy now reduced to making crap, calling it a rose and then defending it for some unexplained reason. Seriously, what the hell is with these so-called "comedians" who produce such trash that they wouldn't touch when their career was in it's prime? I mean, come on, Steve, The Pink Panther remake was a mistake because you're not Peter Sellers and nobody watches a movie to listen to your shitty French accent try to pronounce words without said accent or to see Beyonce remind everyone that she can't act. But then do do a SEQUEL and defend it in public...I'm sorry but that exceeds the double facepalm from earlier.

Look, you do good work on SNL when the writer's aren't churning out crap themselves but you gotta stop with this Pink Panther crap. I mean, is that how you want to be remembered? I've been told that Father of the Bride is funny and maybe you should watch that to remind yourself of your potential and do something that is worth your time and not wasting mine.

"Regardez, je suis français et avoir un visage comme quelqu'un qui a poussé un balai dans mon cul! C'est la comédie!"

4) Ashton Kutcher-You know, this one doesn't bother me so much. I never found him to be very talented at all. Every movie he stars in is just him playing Kelso from That 70's Show to a different degree. The whole, I'm a douchebag idiot man-child with a heart of gold deal really got old quickly. Thankfully audiences wised up and you haven't really seen a whole lot of Kutcher lately.

That is unless you're one of his followers on Twitter. Yeah, Kutcher decided that he would be the first person to get over a million followers. Whoopie-fucking-doo. You got a million followers on Twitter so now they can save themselves the eight bucks and just read the stupid shit you say instead of watching it on a movie screen.

5) Jim Carrey-Like Robin Williams, your simplistic style of comedy could often be annoying in heavy doses but all in all, it was really enjoyable. And even when you toned it down to levels of The Truman Show, you showed that like Williams, you were capable of an Oscar winning performance...even if they didn't nominate you.

But again, back to making crap simply for...what reason? Are you people bored? Have you lost your passion for making people laugh or for just making good material? You just knew that How the Grinch Stole Christmas was going to be a big green pile of Grinch shit when you try to turn a ten minute story into a two hour movie.

Then comes more garbage like The Number 23 (That was oddly enough the same number of people who admitted to seeing that movie), Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man. The last movie of his I remember people really enjoying was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and that was when you toned it down, weren't chewing scenery for laughs and working with a good script, good filmmakers and equally good actors.

Although, to his credit, Carrey had the good sense not to appear in the cinematic abomination that was Son of the Mask, a film so bad that the torture from Marathon Man was probably more pleasant.

I wonder if he could solve my riddle about the Nutella...

6) Robert DeNiro-This one is really painful. It really, truly is painful for me to write. He's one of the best actors of all time, been in so many classic films and yet...he starred in Hide and Seek.

Bobby, you were in The Godfather II, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull (Much to Aaron's delight), Goodfellas...there is no reason why you should be making crap co-starring Dakota Fanning. Plus, who's gonna believe that you're a single father anymore? All the shoe polish on your head could fool Dakota but it can't fool me.

That and those goddamn Meet the Parents/Fockers movies. Holy shit, did I find those annoying really quick. Why not just call the movie, "Hey, Focker" cause that's basically all you say in the movie aside from the parts where you act like a total dick whom we're supposed to find likable...why?

And I'm sorry, the last time you hosted Saturday Night Live back in 2004 has to be one of the worst hosting jobs I've ever seen from a two-time Academy Award winner...or ANY host for that matter! It was like you thought that you would redefine comedy by not being funny at all...who knows, maybe you're not made for sketch comedy but fuck me was that painful!

Listen to me. Don't do any more action movies where you're a homicide detective. That last one you did with Pacino, no one cared about it because no one believes it and no one wants to see two great actors phoning it in for a paycheck.

"You talkin' to me...you said my movie sucked, you talkin' to me? Which movie? Godsend?....Yeah, that did suck.

I know that this was long-winded (Would you expect any less of me?) but I just want you to know that I'm going to try and update at least once a week from now on. And it'll be good stuff too, at least I think it'll be good. I suppose I better start planning what I'll rant about next week. Oh and by the way, the anniversary of my divine birth is this Friday. Please contact me if you wish to donate gifts or animal sacrifices

A Riddle

What is this?

A) A yummy delicious snack of Nutella
or
B) The result of what happens when there's no toilet paper in the house?

Gary Coleman Ruined My Birthday!!!

I have a birthday coming up later next month and one thing that has usually happened on or around my birthday is the random death of a celebrity. It's not like in the late Dennis Hopper's case where he's been near death for the past two months but rather a death that just sneaks up out of nowhere and makes you say, "No shit!"

Keep in mind this hasn't happened every year but still, in the past couple of years, on the anniversary of my near divine birth, someone has had to go. This adds to the theory that I am the Grim Reaper and just don't know it yet...

Anyway, let's look back and see who died a few years after I was born

The face of death?


1) Some soldiers in Korea (1950)-Yeah, believe it or not, 36 years before the legend of Schweitzer-Man began, the Korean War started and wouldn't end for another three years. Even worse was that this war wasn't as fun as the series M*A*S*H made it out to be. Another reason to hate Alan Alda.


2) Jacques Cousteau-I was 11 when he died. Didn't know anything about him other than the fact that I thought he was already dead and anything I heard about him was from an episode of Pinky and the Brain. He liked the water, reported to have had The Little Mermaid atop his list of favourite movies...moving on.

Even near the end of his life, Jacques Cousteau loved to play with his action figures


3) Chris Benoit and family (2007)-I used to watch wrestling from time to time but after a while there seemed to be more action backstage in the shitty story lines than in the wrestling ring. However one of my favourite wrestlers was Chris Benoit. He was Canadian, kicked ass and at the time seemed to be a good guy.


Naturally I was shocked as hell when it was reported that he and his family had been found "murdered" in their home. I was just about to start a midnight shift at 7-Eleven when I caught the news and was just floored. It wasn't until days later that we found out the awful truth about what really happened.



4) Farrah Fawcett (2009)- I never heard a lot about her when she was alive. Her prime was in the 70's; way before my time. She was one of those celebrities who was on her last leg for quite a while health wise so for us it was only a matter of time before this Charlie's Angel became a real one. To be honest, I don't really see what the appeal was. Yeah, she had a poster of her in a bathing suit. Has anyone looked at her face in that? She looks like she's high or about to turn into a bloodthirsty zombie. Her death, while tragic, was obscured by another death that happened that day

Looks like it was cold when they took this picture

5) Michael Jackson (2009)-OK, yeah, the guy had been a punchline for the past 10 years but he still had the fans out in masses for his never-to-be comeback tour. But then he had to go and die and then hold the 24-hour news media hostage with constant speculation on whether he was broke, had money, gay, straight, a pervert, black, white, murdered, faked death, going to do a comeback tour as a zombie, Latoya Jackson (Why did you never see them together...kinda like Clark Kent and Superman) etc etc.
Personally, while Thriller is a cool song, I just never got the music video at all and personally think that Smooth Criminal is a much better video.

"Now where can I find Zombie Macauly Culkin?"

Now you're probably wondering how the hell Gary Coleman managed to ruin my birthday. Well, the thing is, he happened to die almost a full month before my birthday. Gary Coleman would have been the perfect choice: He was obscure, going slightly crazy and it's probably going to get him more attention than any shitty episode of Diff'rent Strokes ever did...not that he's not getting that now.

I'm sorry if I sound rather cruel and inhumane but this totally screws up any anticipation I had towards my birthday. There's no way some other random celebrity death is going to occur between now and the 25th? I mean, granted, Todd Bridges could slip on a banana peel and break his neck. Hey, whatever happened to that kid who played Sam in the final seasons of the show?

Before becoming the world's greatest salesman, Billy Mays was famous for kidnapping and threatening untalented ginger actors.
Seriously, though, watch the episode "Sam's Kidnapping" on YouTube, that's some weird shit right there for a sitcom

Boring White Guy FTW!!! (AKA: The Death of American Idol)

Once upon a time, American Idol was something that was actually pretty interesting. Granted the only episodes I watched were the first few of the seasons where they separate the talented from the people who sound like they're gargling razor blades when they sing and I only watch those for a little confidence boost.

I don't know what he's thinking but I know it isn't healthy


However like the rest of the world in 2002, I watched as Kelly Clarkson became the first Idol winner and actually went on to sell albums, win awards and be recognised in public a year later. But it seemed that the more the show went on, the less popular the contestants would get once the season had ended. It was like the public was saying, "So happy you won. Bored now. Later." Plus, how often was it where the singer who came in second turned out being more popular than the winner?

"Hey, hey hey, I'm the guy who beat Clay...and are you gonna finish that cake?"


Plus, how repetitive did the shows get? They'd have a theme for the week, butcher some singer's landmark song, applause, Randy Jackson's play-it-safe critique, Paula Abdul slur about how she'd like to buy a vowel and finish with Simon Cowell busting Ryan Seacrest's balls harder than he does the crappy singer and repeat for however many contestants there are that evening.

Then the following night, have a full hour dedicated to getting an answer you could get by kicking Seacrest in the throat and yanking that envelope out of his hands, opening it and telling whatever reject who knew they had it coming to get lost.

Brian Dunkleman: Career Missing since Season 1 of Idol ended

But the weird thing is, people loved this crap. I can sort of understand it since they got to decide who would be the winner in the end (Yet not decide to buy their albums) but the fact that the audience put up with these one hour shows just to find out who was going home that week. Aside from the last ten minutes, who in their right mind would watch that? But then again, there are worse things you could watch in an hour...

The Hills: Helping the pro-choice movement since 2006

Things were going downhill on the show, you could tell, but it got to the point where Paula Abdul was getting so drunk she thought that people were singing their second song even though they were the first singer to start the show off. She would pass it off as exhaustion, stress, alcohol poisoning, heavy workload, un-prescribed medications but whatever it was, you could tell the executives behind the scenes were sweating whenever the camera caught her throwing up in her Coke (the soda) cup.

Then last season they decided they would add another judge to slowly ease Paula out of the picture and they brought in songwriter Kara DioGuardi.
Who?
Regardless, her opinion meant dick but it was nice to have at least one female judge who knew what state she was in when addressing the contestants.

"Hi. My name is Kara DioGuardi and even I haven't heard of me.
Could someone Google me?"

And in that last season you had one contestant who stood out the most. Whether you voted for him or not, you couldn't really ignore the intensity he brought onto the stage and injected into every song he belted out. Adam Lambert was most likely going to win the show last year but it seemed that a lot of people were put off by his possible homosexuality.

Gasp! A homosexual in the music industry! Surely the world of the 21st century is not ready for such radical change. So instead they gave it to some guy named Kris Allen who probably thought he was the luckiest heterosexual on the planet when he won.

Season 8 winner Kris Allen. Missing since season finale. Foul play by gay mafia suspected

Meanwhile, in between seasons, Paula Abdul decided that now would be a good time to walk away from the show (Could she walk away in a straight line?) and leave people scrambling to find out who would replace Paula. There was speculation that it could be Britney Spears but that was just a recipe for disaster that only a network like Fox could only dream of. But after months of speculation it was decided that the newest judge would be long time producer and multiple Grammy award winning DJ Ellen Degeneres.

Wait-what?

OK, Simon Cowell, I can understand having because he's a record producer and has been doing this for a long time.
Randy Jackson, I also understand having because he's worked with people like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston as well as being the brother Michael never talked about.
I did what Kara asked and found out that she is a songwriter. OK, that makes sense I guess but what in the name of all things German does Ellen bring to the table? She's a big fan of the show and...she dances on her show. That's it.
Did they ever get a callback from Britney Spears?

"Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?"

So by this point you could tell that the show was just going downhill. The familiarity of the judges was gone, most of the contestants were people with rice-cake personalities (Bland, white, no flavour) and to put the final nail in the coffin, Simon Cowell declared that this season would be his last.

Most people don't watch American Idol for the singers, they watch it because they want to see Simon destroy someone's life with just one clever quip that couldn't be pulled off by anyone who didn't have a British accent. And as a final act worthy of a Picard facepalm, the audience once again picked some boring white guy with little to no personality to win. Gee, cause everyone was just crazy for Taylor Hicks in 2005.

With Cowell now departing, Jackson is the only remaining original judge and if he's smart, he'll walk away before Fox gets the same idea I just had and decide to make Kevin Federline the replacement for Simon. Cowell himself said he was getting bored with the whole thing and can you blame him?

So to wrap it up, American Idol once was perhaps the most important TV show in North America. Now it's probably going to reach the importance levels of Dancing With the Stars. And don't get me started on that piece of crap. Whoever watches that needs to have the stupid slapped out of them.

More Kitchen Nightmares

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I'm trying to remember everything I ate/sampled/tasted yesterday but nothing is coming up as something that would make me sick. After waking up much earlier than usual, I went back to sleep and my fever induced brain decided to produce another Hell's Kitchen nightmare for me. Though this time, Gordon Ramsay actually made an appearance...and cursed me out.

"Stop having nightmares about me; I've never met you, you DONKEY!"

I'm guessing that this must have been the first episode of the new season because based on the job I did in my dream, it would be a miracle if I made it to three episodes. First off, the kitchen looked nothing like it did on TV. In fact, it looked more like the dining room considering all the other chefs were sitting at tables and in booths.

So anyway, the maitre'd, Jean Philippe, came to the pass and dropped off the order. Either I had already pissed off Ramsay or this was a test but he demanded that I read out the first order. I was a bit nervous about the whole thing and to make matters worse, I couldn't read what was on the ticket. I once heard that it is impossible to read in a dream but I've been able make out words clearly before. However, tonight wasn't the case.

After getting impatient over my sudden case of illiteracy, Ramsay snatched the ticket out of my hand and snarled that he would read it himself. However while I was ready to listen, the rest of the kitchen was just sitting in thier booths and at the tables, chattering away while I was trying to get them to be quiet.

Suddenly Ramsay turned towards the dining room. "Ladies and gentlemen," he shouted, "if you'd kindly shut the fuck up for twenty seconds, I would like to get the first order out."
It was the first time I'd seen Ramsay yell at customers for making too much noise but, hey, it's his kitchen; I'll let him yell at whomever he likes.

"Look, I'm very sorry for yelling at you. It happened in a fever
induced dream. Now fuck off."

Normally on Hell's Kitchen, the appetizers consist of stuff like scallops, spaghetti of lobster, Ceasar salad but Ramsay called for "Two pear salads away."
Like most new contestants on the show, I didn't know the menu so the words "pear salad" were making no sense to me. What was also making no sense to me was that my section consisted of a small reception table that you usually see as you walk into a restaurant. I probably should have clued in that this was a dream at this point but my mind was focused on my work.

"Where's the lettuce?" I asked. It seemed that this poorly designed kitchen lacked all the things that makes a kitchen what it is. I was able to find the lettuce and get it into the bowls but then I noticed something was missing. No pears.

Never fear, however, since I quickly found a pear and began to slice it very thinly. Why? I have no idea. Remember, this was a fever induced dream. So anyway, I've got the salads ready and then Chef Ramsay comes over to see if they're up to standar.

Without saying a word he picked up one bowl and threw it against the wall, sending lettuce and pear everywhere. So much for the words 'never fear'. However instead of shouting at me, all of a sudden this other fat chef is getting a verbal beatdown from Ramsay. It was at this point that I started to realize, "Hey, something's aren't making sense here" and decided to bolt.