When Star Trek Doesn't Make Sense

In a series of posts, I've gone over some thing in the Star Wars series that just baffle me (Baby queens, stormtrooper accuracy) and it might have lead some people to believe that I hate the series or just don't adore it as much as I used to. Hmm, the latter might be a tenth of a bit true but Episode IV: A New Hope is still one of my ten favourite movies and I'll even go to bat for Lucas and say his direction of that film was flawless.

However, now I feel it's time to pay attention to another sci-fi franchise that molded me into the dork I am: Star Trek.

Yeah, considering it's been around longer, with more movies and TV series, there's a ton of material to go over. I'm not going to do the obvious ones like, "Why didn't they know Khan was actually on Ceti Alpha V in Wrath of Khan?" or "How were they able to beam through the shields in Relics when it's been established you can't beam through the shields?"

Instead, I'll be going over stuff that I've actually wondered about since I first saw the episode. So, set your phasers to cynical, get a cup of tea (Earl Gray, hot) or a bowl of gagh and enjoy my list of things that don't make sense in Star Trek.

This is gagh. It's pretty much worms. Klingon worms. Eaten alive for best results

1) If 'Plan A' Fails, There's Always 'Plan A'

The season two episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, 'Q Who' introduced us to the Federation's greatest enemy: The Borg. A relentless species of cyborgs who assimilate entire worlds into a collective consciousness. In the first encounter, the Borg cut out a large chunk of the Enterprise, which forces Picard to use lethal force. He blats a few holes in them and then finds they are regenerating.

The Enterprise quickly retreats and can see the Borg ship repairing itself. Picard tries to outrun them and Riker orders photon torpedoes ready to slow the Borg down as they are gaining. These are actual lines from the episode.

RIKER: Arm the photon torpedoes. Let's see if we can slow them down.

WORF: Torpedoes armed.

PICARD: Fire.

We see the torpedoes fire, hit the Borg and...

WORF: They had no effect.

Wow, so what does our brave crew do now? The Borg seem to have adapted to photon torpedoes, phasers can't be used at warp speeds and the Borg have started to fire a weapon which is draining the Enterprise's shields.

WORF: Shields have been reduced 41 percent. Another hit and we will be defenseless.

Crap, where do we go from here? Risk maneuvering at warp speed? Scan for a nebula to hide in or a planet and go into it's atmosphere? Let's see what Commander Riker has to suggest.

RIKER: Arm the photon torpedoes.

What? Uh, Riker, you tried them five minutes ago. Didn't you hear Worf, they had no effect on the ship. Worf, talk some sense into him, you're the tactical officer and everything.

WORF: Torpedoes armed.

Wh-? Didn't any of you listen to yourselves? THE TORPEDOES WON'T WORK!!! OK, let's just have Picard give a speech about how brute force won't work and how they'll have to outthink this new enemy to-

PICARD: Fire the photons!

Oh what the hell is this!? You know what, I'm just going to go ahead and guess the Borg ship was not damaged. Know what helps that theory? The very next line.

WORF: The Borg ship was not damaged.

The Borg fire again, manage to drain the shields (gasp!) and get the Enterprise to drop out of warp. They establish a tractor beam and-

RIKER: Lock on photon torpedoes.

WORF: Yes sir!

WHAT!?!?!? Y-you...you know that they didn't work at warp speed...so what the fuck do you think is going to happen when you're going slower? I mean...come on Riker, you're supposed to be better than this. Won't someone stop this insanity.

Thankfully, Data informs Riker about the dangers of his tactics.

DATA: Without our shields, at this range, there is a high degree of probability that a photon detonation will destroy the Enterprise.

Whoa...stakes just got raised big time. There's no way that Picard or Riker would ever go through with such a move.

RIKER: Prepare to fire.

Will Riker may be someone who wants to sit in the captains chair, but damn, he sure is not ready to lead into combat. All the lines are directly from the episode and thankfully, Starfleet battle tactics improved.

I won't explain how they got out of the situation (obviously since there were five more seasons after this) but give it a watch because while most of the first two seasons leave a lot to be desired, 'Q Who' is one of the better ones and establishes the Borg as one of the great Star Trek villains.

"Our plan was to keep shooting until we blew ourselves up?"

2) It's Not Like We Can Move The Station...Except When We Previously Did

It took me a while to warm up to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. While on TNG I was used to boldly going where no one had gone before, over on DS9 it seemed that they were stuck in one corner of the galaxy where weird shit kept happening to this crew on a space station.

Oh and there was also this...

No, it's not a plothole...or a butthole in space

Behold the wormhole, a tunnel connecting two separate points in space and time. Where a trip to the Gamma Quadrant would normally take a couple decades, via the wormhole it takes seconds. However on the other side we meet our main enemy for the series, the Dominion and their ground troops, the Jem'Hadar.

In the opening to season three, 'The Search, Part I' the crew is going over a simulation of an attack by the Jem'Hadar and find that they are no match for a heavily armed mobile force. The royal smart person of the group, Lt. Jadzia Dax finally comes up with her own ideas that don't include fighting. Again, these lines are from the episode itself.

DAX: That leaves us with two options: Abandon the third option and make a stand on Bajor or...collapse the entrance to the wormhole.

Huh? Jadzia, are you sure you don't have a third option? Back in the first episode, 'Emissary', the station was actually in orbit of Bajor, barely at full power, and was moved to the mouth of the wormhole so the Bajorans could claim it. At first, a trip of a hundred and sixty million kilometers on only six working thrusters would take about...two months. But then, royal smart person, Dax comes up with the answer to help Chief O'Brien.

DAX: Couldn't you modify the subspace field output of the deflector generators... just enough to create a low-level field around the station...

O'BRIEN:So we could lower the inertial mass...

DAX: If you can make the station lighter, those six thrusters would be all the power we need.

So...almost two years later, with a fully powered station, more than two thrusters...why couldn't you move the station again? Also, what is it with both franchises having space stations that can move? The Death Star is footloose and fancy free, going to Alderann and then Yavin in Star Wars and DS9's station doesn't even stay still for the first episode.


3) What Three Dimensional Terms?

Near the end of the movie Star Trek: First Contact, Captain Picard confronts the Borg Queen (Yeah, they have a queen) who apparently was with him when he was assimilated by the Borg in the season three season finale, The Best of Both Worlds. The Borg ship was nearly unstoppable, even after destoying a massive fleet at the star system Wolf 359 but at the last minute, the Enterprise was able to defeat it.

PICARD:
 But that ship...and all the Borg on it were destroyed.

BORG QUEEN:
You think in such three dimensional terms.

Yeah, looks don't matter too much to Borg royalty

O....K...I don't really get what you mean by that. I suppose it's just your fancy way of saying that you never really stay dead. And if that's what it is...I'm willing to accept that.

Except on Star Trek: Voyager, they always seemed to be running into Borg who were somehow assimilated at Wolf 359 and yet somehow made it off the ship. In the episode Unity, the human Riley Frazier reveals that she was at Wolf 359 and assimilated.

But my main thing is...who picked these Borg up from the ship and brought them thousands of light-years away? I mean, the Borg were on their way to assimilate all of Earth, I would think that the Borg would be all, "Hey, the more the merrier!"

Voyager writers would always keep bringing that up, that somehow they encounter an ex-Borg from Wolf 359 that just somehow made it off the ship or just wasn't around when it blew up. How come no one ever asked, "Wait, that ship was destroyed how did you survive? And if you say anything about three dimensional terms, I'm shoving a phaser rifle up your ass and pulling the trigger."

As you can imagine, phaser rifles probably do not make the best enemas.
4) The Prophets Are Dicks

On DS9, the station was originally in orbit of the planet Bajor, who had just won their freedom from the Cardassians. A highly religious people, the Bajorans believed their gods, The Prophets, lived in the wormhole I mentioned earlier.

Well...that's sorta true. In the pilot, Sisko encounters aliens who do not experience linear time and after the episode, the Bajorans declare Sisko their Emissary to the Prophets. Sisko didn't take it too seriously until they started to mind fuck him little by little. Enter the season six episode, Far Beyond the Stars. When Sisko is distraught about a friend being killed in battle and wondering if he can make a difference in the war they're in, the Prophets decide to mind fuck him in the worst way.

I hate this episode of DS9.
There are a few worse episodes, but this one really makes my shit itch. Sisko is transported to Earth in the 1950's where he is a sci-fi writer named Benny Russel. He has no memory of being Sisko, all he has are little lapses where he goes between times and believes to be losing his mind. He decides to write the story of DS9 for the magazine but they won't publish it because the Captain of the story is black.

Benny persists, but in the end of the episode, the story is rejected, he's fired from the magazine and goes insane and is put in a mental hospital.

A lot of people love this episode and gush over it because they love the racism is bad message and I agree: Racism is awful. But here's the thing...I already knew that. This aired in 1998, this wasn't really a message that we hadn't heard thousands of times before.

And what really bugged me was that...why would the Prophets do this to Sisko? I mean, what good does it do to make a distraught man believe he's a mid-20th century writer battling racism, prejudice and his own insanity?

Seriously, it is never explained what the motive is for this or what good it does Sisko. Hell, if you don't listen carefully, you won't even know that the Prophets are behind it all. Needless to say, the Prophets are dickheads and this episode is crap. The only thing I like about it is the atmosphere of the 1950's. That's all I like...other than that...it's one of my least favourite Star Trek episodes ever.

Oh stop crying

Not Dead

I've watched the movie Blade Runner a few times in the past week for the first time in over ten years. Visually, there's so much going on that at times, I felt more interested in the world of 2019 (We've got a lot of catching up to do by this film's standards) than the actual story itself but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy watching it.

Still, I'm convinced that Deckard is a human.

This scene fills me with so much wonder and inspiration

Harry Kim: The Whipping Boy of Star Trek: Voyager

For those of you reading this blog for the first time or with short memory-spans, I'm a huge nerd. In 1995, when I was in the third grade, I was super mega ultra excited for the premiere of Star Trek: Voyager on the brand new UPN.

After 10 years in which Voyager's been off the air, it's reputation hasn't improved as is the case like other series in the Star Trek universe, like Deep Space Nine. I was mostly blind to this until after the show went off the air but do I hate it? Hardly. It's a show you can watch if you're bored and want to kill some time because it's raining outside and you're too lazy to do anything else.

If you're not familiar with the back-story of ST:V, I'll try to summarize it as best I can: A crew of Starfleet officers and outlaws (The Maquis) must join forces to make the long journey home across 70,000 light years of space, cut off from any back up. Oh and they pick up a hot ex-cyborg along the way who saved the show from being cancelled.

In the future women's fashion becomes air tight for some reason...


But also on the show was a young, inexperienced officer, fresh out of Starfleet Academy, eager for his first deep space assignment...and of course he gets stranded halfway across the galaxy and thus will probably never see any of his friends, family or fiancee ever again. This was Ensign Harry Kim.
And his character was constantly getting fucked over.

That look of possible fear and dread...that's normal for Harry

So I'm going to take a look at the history of this character and how he was constantly getting screwed by the people around him who were supposed to be his friends and colleagues. There are probably too many examples to list, so I'm just going to give you the ones that stick out to me the most.

1) Graduates are Good but Drop-Outs are Awesome: In the second episode of the series, after realizing how boned they are since they're 70+ years from backup of any kind, the crew has to replace the original chief engineer who was killed in the first episode.

Before I go any further, I should address one major problem with Voyager. The Maquis are outlaws who were Federation citizens who chose to stand up for themselves after the Cardassians kept messing around with them. Starfleet was against the Maquis and declared them outlaws, prompting a lot of Starfleet officers to join them in the process. These are the outlaws who join the Voyager crew and become part of the Starfleet system. The problem is that it happens too quickly. Hell, at the end of the pilot, all the Maquis are in uniform with no problem at all. I mean, sure, they felt the Federation turned a blind eye to all the crap going on in the DMZ, but why let that get in the way of sub-par story telling?

Anyway, one of the members of the Maquis crew is B'elana Torres, a half-human, half-Klingon who assaulted a fellow crew-member in the second episode. She was either dropped out or kicked out of the Academy (They never could get the story straight) and yet somehow this person ends up not only becoming chief engineer...but also gets a promotion to Lieutenant even though she didn't even make it through her second year at the Academy.

So think about that: Captain Janeway knows that Harry has worked to be in Starfleet his whole life and yet makes him subordinate to someone who not only couldn't graduate but even fought against the ideals of Starfleet. Oh and that fellow crewman she assaulted? Yeah, he was actually next in line to be chief engineer.

"Life's a bitch, even in the 24th century."

2) Betrayal is Bad but Blue-Balls are Worse-In a later episode we discover that not only was Harry Kim a promising young man on his first assignment, but he was also dating a lovely young woman back on Earth named Libby.

Now, when the love of your life is halfway across the galaxy and probably thinks you're dead...you're gonna play the field. Sadly Harry Kim sucked at relationships and it became a bit of a joke to his best friend, Tom Paris, later in the show. The dude had gone so long without any Starfleet snatch that he fell in love with a hologram. That's right. He fell in love with a computer simulation.

Although he did get a chance to score with one of the hottest babes this side of the Delta Quadrant, Seven of Nine. You might think, "Well, what's the problem?"

I said he did get a chance...but he never took it.
 For a while Harry was attracted to this ex-Borg who was doing her best to regain her humanity and at one point she was willing to go all the way...and Harry declined. Not only did he decline, but he did it in a way that you would have thought she was going to scoop out his eyes with a rusty spoon. Harry, when Seven of Nine offers you sex, you say "YES!!!" Any blue balls after that point are your own fault.

Seriously, Harry...why?

Enter the episode titled "The Disease". He has intimate relations with a member of an alien species without consulting his doctor (A big no-no in the 24th century which didn't exist when Kirk was banging any female that moved a hundred years ago) and more or less picks up VD. I should note that's not entirely what the title of the episode is referring to...give it a watch, you'll understand.

The funny thing is, she was white before Kirk had sex with her

Captain Janeway is not very pleased that her golden officer has broken a rule and gets so pissed off at him that she puts a full reprimand on his file which could affect his future in Starfleet (FYI: It doesn't).

Compare this to the Doctor's actions in the episode "Flesh and Blood". The crew encounters a group of holograms who kidnap the Doctor (A hologram himself) but later return him when they see that he is not a slave. However when he finds out that the Voyager crew are planning to destroy the holograms, he betrays them and sides with the holograms, who also kidnap Torres as well.

I won't go into too many plot details but by the end, the Doctor realizes the error of his ways returns to Voyager. He submits himself for punishment...but Captain Janeway blames herself and says that she is just as responsible. She even goes so far as to call it an "Away mission".

Harry Kim gets laid, does no damage to anyone but himself...full reprimand.

The Doctor betrays his friends and colleagues, does damage to his vessel and endangers many lives...not even a slap on the wrist.

And wait, I recall an episode where the Doctor himself got laid! OK, granted it was...with another hologram. But still...shit!

"Take off your clothes and step into my office."

3. With Friends Like This, Who Needs Enemies?-Within the first episode of Voyager a sort of bromance was established between Harry and former Starfleet/Maquis member Tom Paris. Tom was originally just an observer, on the mission to offer advice on where the Maquis might be hiding. But afterwards when most of the crew was killed, he was given a full promotion to Lieutenant (Just like Torres) and made chief navigator.

I don't have too much of a problem with that because Tom graduated from the Academy and had a career before he was discharged for covering up an accident that killed three officers. He later joined the Maquis for something to do and was arrested on his first mission. But he proved himself a worthy officer for the job and never had any problems.

Except the one time he hijacked a shuttlecraft to launch a terrorist attack against an underworld society that he fell in love in the hopes of saving it and was only stopped thanks to absurd timing on behalf of Captain Janeway, who demoted Tom to the rank of Ensign.

But hey, don't expect to last for too long because less than 18 months later he was back to being a full Lieutenant with the ability to boss Harry around all he wants.

And in that time, there aired an episode titled "Warhead" where a weapon of mass destruction took control of the Doctor's program and was using Voyager to carry him to complete his mission to destroy a civilian settlement.

Locked in Sickbay with the weapon, Harry is able to uncover that the mission has been cancelled and convinces it to abandon it's mission and destroy other weapons on the same mission. So great, Harry saves not only his shipmates and ship, but probably hundreds of thousands (If not millions) of lives...and stays an Ensign.

Garret Wang, the actor who played Harry, actually brought it up to the creators of the show that his character probably should be promoted but they told him that, "Somebody's got to be the Ensign."

I should note that when Star Trek: TNG and Star Trek: DS9 had their series finalies, there were no characters who had the rank of Ensign. Yeah, even a supporting character like Nog, who went to the Academy later than him would get to Lieutenant before Harry did. And to be fair, Harry only got his promotion in paperback books after Voyager went off the air.

"Harry, get your best friend-me-some beer. That's an order!!!"

4) Getting Screwed in Real Life-After Voyager went off the air, Garret Wang has been pretty critical of the show and how it was run and I don't blame him. During the last two years, Star Trek: DS9 felt like it was about a whole group of people on this massive space station.
During the last two years on Star Trek: Voyager, it felt like the show was only about Janeway, Seven of Nine and the Doctor. Wang wasn't a bad actor on the show, none of them were (Except for guest stars) but as characters they weren't given any development sometimes and Harry Kim is the biggest example.

Wang is also the only actor in the history of the franchise to be denied the opportunity to direct an episode of Star Trek. Why that is, I have no clue. They could have done more with his character and had a great opportunity when Wang was named one of People magazine's 50 sexiest people alive.

Harry Kim was a character that could have had a lot of potential but instead he was always getting screwed by the people around him which was a result of the writers and producers. But things could have been worse...he could have been a character on Star Trek: Enterprise.

When two characters have obvious chemistry, the best thing to do is make sure they don't hook up

Lots of Reading...Not Enough Writing

I've been neglecting this blog for a lot longer than I ever intended to. I would like to blame others for that but the only person I can blame is myself because after all it is my blog and I should be able to find something to rant about.

For the past few weeks I've been getting a lot of books realted to writing. Back in high school I was certain I was working on the next great novel, however I realize now that I have a long way to go. I feel comfortable with writing dialogue but everything else, describing actions and scenery...well I bore myself. And when Schweitzer-Man finds you boring...then you're doing something wrong.

So I've been doing too much reading, not enough writing. But there are a lot of things coming up that I'll be writing about. Next month is the Calgary Expo; the following month Aaron and I will be flying out to Montreal for a bachelor party and in June I'm going on a cruise with most of the Schweitzer clan. Aaron thought about joining us on said cruise but backed out because he and Katelynn have their honeymoon later in the year.

And yeah, there's a lot going on in entertainment that I'm going to want to talk about but at the moment, work and my own personal distractions are holding me up. Don't worry. I'll be back.

Quick Life Lesson

If they have fish and chips on the menu, make sure they use their own beer batter because if it comes frozen, then it's just not worth it.

Fangasm

I don't need to tell you guys that I'm a huge Star Trek fan (I'm not sure whether the term "Trekkie" or "Trekker" is appropriate) and was thrilled last year when I got to attend the Calgary Expo and get the autograph of one Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker) as well as the awesome Maurice LaMarche (The Brain).

Sometime last week I was browsing through Facebook and got some info from the Calgary Expo's page. Apparently attending the convention, among guest stars Adam West and Robert Englund, was going to include not one, two...but ALL main cast members of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

"Captain, sensors are detecting four Romulan Warbirds surrounding us. Is now really the best time to strike a pose?"

Yeah, I nearly got a boner over that news. Look, back 18 years ago, TNG was the best show on television and whenever I can catch it, I'll give it a watch. Hell, for as big a fan as I am, there are still episodes of that show I haven't seen; and I'm a guy who sat through all of DS9 and Voyager.

The cast is going to be taking part in a large Q&A panel one of the three days of the convention so I'll be trying to attend that because apparently the whole cast hasn't done one together in almost 20 years. So yeah...kind of a big thing. I gotta wonder though, if I got a chance to ask them something, what would I ask. All sorts of possibilities...

Chances are some dumb fan will want to ask Denise Crosby if she could see Tasha hooking up with Data had she not left the show midway through the first season.

Fans think that because they had drunken sex, they must have been in love. The people who think this, coincidentally, have never had sex, drunken or otherwise

If you are that dumb fan, let me hit you with a photon torpedo of knowledge: Denise Crosby herself said, that she would have stayed on the show had she had more scenes between her and Worf like in her final episode Skin of Evil. In that scene, there are some hints that there might be an attraction between the two characters.

But Tasha and Data...well they only did it because they were under the influence of the Psi 2000 virus in The Naked Now. I mean, come on, she knew it was a mistake and afterwards went up to Data and said, "It never happened." However, when she said that, a bunch of fanfic writers heard, "Data, I secretly lust for you!"

OK...back to what I was thinking before: If I had a chance to ask each member of The Next Generation cast a question...what would I ask?

Sir Partick Stewart (Captain Jean-Luc Picard):

-Do you like Earl Gray tea?

-How often do you get mistaken for Telly Savalas?

-Whenever you go to the dentist and you're in the chair, does he ask you how many lights you see?

Jonathan Frakes (Commander William T. Riker)

-Is it fair to say that your beard is the best thing that ever happened to you?

-How much blame do you accept for Star Trek: Insurrection?

-If they ever made a live action Gargoyles movie, would you want to play Xanatos?

Michael Dorn (Lt. Commander Worf)

-How glad were you that Worf on DS9 was the total badass that he was supposed to be...but wasn't on TNG?

-Is there anyone who, if they were any other man, you would kill where they stand? (FYI: My dad loves that line from Star Trek: First Contact)
-What's it like kissing Terry Farrel? Cause I always wanted to do that when I was a kid.

"I am Worf. I go by one name, just like Cher."


Brent Spiner (Lt. Commander Data)
-Is it true you hated Spot?
-Is it true you're currently voicing the Joker in the Young Justice series?
-What did you think of them making Data so annoying in Star Trek: Generations?


Marina Sirtis (Counsellor Deanna Troi)
-Does it bother you that most people find your character useless?
-Who's the better kisser, Frakes or Dorn?
-Uh, what's with all the TNG cast members being on Gargoyles? Though seriously, I thought you were great as Demona.


LeVar Burton (Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge)
-You've gone on record criticizing Nemesis. If JJ Abrams was behind a new movie with your crew, what would you like to see?
-Why did all the bad stuff happen to your character?
-Why did they have to cancel Reading Rainbow?


Gates McFadden (Dr. Beverly Crusher)
-Were you surprised to be asked back for the third season after being absent completely for the second?
-How come the writers never had you do much in the movies?
-Ever have some idiot consult you for medical advice?


Denise Crosby (Lt. Tasha Yar)
-OK, looking back at it, was leaving the show the worst decision ever?
-Would you have appeared as Sela in Star Trek: Nemesis?


Wil Weaton (Ensign Wesley Crusher)
-You're the fat kid from Stand By Me, right?
-Were you the kid with glasses from Stand By Me?
-Wait, I'm sorry, you played the kid everyone hated in that sci-fi series back in the 90's. OK, my question is, did you always want to play Anakin Skywalker?
-OK, real question, how come you weren't in the final episode, All Good Things?

Relax, I would never ask questions so stupid. Chances are if I did get a chance to ask them all a question it would be something cheesy like, What was the best episode you guys ever did? or Would you ever be interested in seeing a reboot done to your show like they did with the last movie?

Either way, I'm really looking forward to this convention, getting some autographs (I urge people to get a free autograph from voice artists whenever you can. They're so nice, very friendly and will more than likely break into character at the drop of a hat. Plus no damn fees for pictures), new reading material, novelty clothes and maybe pick up some art. I got a few pictures last year but they seem more appropriate for a scrapbook. Still, I can't wait to see what the Calgary Expo has for us later this year.

I am a Hero; Jack Bauer Has Nothing on Me

I hate Monday mornings. I wake up terribly early knowing that by noon, I'll have to think about going to sleep so that I can wake up with enough energy to do a ball-busting midnight shift. If I have enough energy, I might go to the gym for a light workout, come home and do myself up some scrambled eggs Gordon Ramsay style.

However one Monday morning a few weeks ago I had very little energy and just decided to goof off on my laptop and checkout what wasn't happening on Facebook. I was probably about ten second away from closing the window when all of a sudden my friend Connie messaged me. And I had a feeling that it was important because she addressed me by my first name. In my experience, people only do that if the situation is pretty important.

So she gave me an 800 phone number to call and confirm if she had a flight for tomorrow morning. It was then that she told me that she was messaging me from a hospital in Muskat, Oman. For those of you who didn't watch Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego as a kid, that's in the Middle East. Connie spent her Christmas holidays there and was a teacher there a few years ago.

Seems that while she was down she caught some jihad-virus that was going around or something, was stuck in the hospital and thus, missed her flight the previous day but now couldn't tell if she was rescheduled for a flight tomorrow or not.

So there I am, about six-thirty in the morning, trying to figure out how to help my friend escape the Middle East within the next 24 hours. I called the airline and trying to get all the info I can, relaying it back through Facebook and then relaying any concerns Connie may have back to the airline. Needless to say I was saying, "Could you hold on a minute" quite a few times during these phone calls.

After about twenty minutes of dealing with people with bad accents, I was finally able to get the times for her flights. She would leave Muskat, then fly into Kuwait, then off the Dulles International Airport and then to Detroit with a short drive back into Ontario.

Just before I got off the line, the attendant I was dealing with asked me if he wanted to upgrade Connie's seat to give her more legroom for only the small fee of $150 USD.

I relayed this to Connie and based off the negativity of her response, I told the airline that she would pass on the generous (I made sure they could hear the sarcasm) offer.

Connie did manage to make it home and that day, I got a cheque from the government of Canada (Most likely word of me rescuing a fellow countryman spread quickly) and my Batman shirt arrived in the mail.

So yeah, I'm a hero. Saved a friend from captivity in a Middle Eastern hospital which was boasting about how their doctors washed their hands semi-daily and had been Jew free for 34 days. And I did this less than an hour after waking up.

The moral of the story: Schweitzer-Man is awesome

Running Again

If there's one thing I can come close to disliking about a boxing workout, it's roadwork. The summer before I moved to Calgary, I was doing it almost every night, running 3k and trying to up my speed each time. I did 5k once and the second time I tried it, I had to stop running and limp home in pain after I started getting bad blisters on the back of my foot (Shouldn't have used brand new running shoes)

After I got back to going to the gym, I would start every workout with 10 minutes of cardio, running and increasing my speed every two minutes. It's weird because I don't mind running on treadmills. And all that time I've been going to the gym, I've tried to get Aaron to go with me.

Since living out here, we've only had two workouts and both were at the local YMCA. And that was only because we were on a 7-day trial period. I've tried every month, but he always has some new excuse. He did let me know over a month ago that he installed a pull-up bar in his basement and I thought that was a good start. I asked him if he planned on returning to the gym and he said that he would when he could get his money's worth out of a gym. At the moment, he was just trying to get "unfat" as he put it.

That made me laugh because he's not fat but whatevs. Then a few weeks ago he told me that he purchased a used treadmill and was running almost daily, doing 3k in 30 minutes. I have no idea why, but I suddenly got very competitive and started running for 30 minutes at the gym now as well. However, I doubted Aaron's numbers. The distance measurement told me that in 30 minutes plus a five minute cool down period, I was just doing over 3k.

I instantly called bullshit on Aaron's numbers and thought that he must be cheating. Turns out I was just an idiot and didn't know that GoodLife treadmills measure distance in miles instead of kilometers. However that got me a bit encouraged.

A few days ago when I finished work, I went to the gym and did 5.25km in total. A few days later, I decided to go a step crazier and go running outside. While most people say that Calgary winters are colder than a witch's tit (When did you feel said tit and why would you?), it wasn't that bad. I was wearing the proper gear for it and felt fine. I didn't have a route in mind so I just decided to run until I felt tired. After looping around several blocks, I ended up at the local Super Store and decided to walk home from there.

What kinda bugs me is that despite getting back into running, I thought I would be doing a lot better already. When I did my 5k in Essex, I did that in under 30 minutes. I know this stuff takes time but dammit, I'm impatient.

Oh, also, there's this cool true story about how I saved a friend from captivity in the Middle East but I'll tell you that next time.

Butch

I got a phone call from my dad Sunday morning. It was business as usual (What did you do last night? Who did you do it with?) until he hit me with some pretty sad news.

"The kitty cat passed away last night."

I can only recall my dad calling our family cat, Butch, once and that was in a moment of frustration when he ran out of the house late at night.
The news of his death caught me by surprise because that cat had plenty of close calls in his life and was always knocking on death's door but that was due to his own general stupidity.

We got Butch in the year 2001, around the time of my younger sister's birthday. She picked him out and helped bring him home. I don't remember much about him at that time except he sneezed quite a bit. My dad wasn't impressed with the name Butch; he has this thing about giving animals names that men his age have: Dennis, Louie, Amil and Lyle (He likes that name for Aaron and Katelynn's dog). But Butch he was and it seemed to suit him as a name.

"Meow."

The first problem we had with him was that he was always trying to escape outside the house. And when we first got him he was fast. You'd open the door and he would bolt before you even knew what was happening. Of course we always caught him (We figured out his usual route and blocked off a part of the fence he liked to climb through) but it took a lot of coaxing and sometimes vanilla ice cream or watermelon.

Yeah, Butch liked watermelon. It was strange because we just fed it to him as a bit of a joke but he really liked it. From that moment on whenever he smelt my mom cutting it up he would move towards the counter and stretch his long body and legs to try and grab any bit of it he could. If that didn't work he would give my mom's leg a massage and quickly get a quick slice.

He also ate most of a banana once. My neighbor's grandson fed it to him and we watched as he licked/chewed on it for quite a while. Yet for some reason he wasn't a big fan of peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Whenever he came by and smelt one he would try and bury it.

"Where the watermelon be at?"

Butch was probably the most spoiled cat that didn't belong to a rich family. My younger sister got him into this stupid pattern that whenever he came back inside (We kept him on a harness attached to a leash) he would get a treat. However as time went on, Butch would get his treat and then beg to go outside again only to want to come back in a few minutes later. He wasn't as dumb as we thought.
Also every morning he would get a special breakfast from my mom. She would mix up a little bit of wet cat food with hot water and he thought this was the greatest meal ever. He would sit by the kettle while the water boiled and lick that shit up the the point where he was moving the bowl just with his tongue.
He got this every morning but on the few occasions my mom slept in, he would do his best to get her out of bed. If nuzzling her face didn't work, jumping onto my dad's dresser and knocking over all his medicine bottles would do the trick.

But as much as he liked to eat, he also liked to play. I don't know who started it but whenever I was going up the stairs from the basement, Butch would chase me and swat at my ankles. It's probably not wise to speak ill of the dead, but I think the little kitty bastard was trying to kill me. He knew I was the cute one and that if I was out of the picture, then he'd be the cute one.
So in retaliation I would rough him up a little bit. Have him try and out wrestle my hand and then chase him around the house like I was going to kill him. That cat could run but when he made a leaping jump off the stairs you could hear the impact all throughout the house.

He had a little lamb that he liked to play with. It was about half his size and he fucked it up. Ripped one of it's eyes out and tore some of it's skin. But he also liked to play with other animals. My neighbour's had a bunny rabbit named Blossom and if Butch saw him he went crazy. He'd meow and meow, trying to get the rabbit's attention but Blossom couldn't care less. Every once in a while he would come up to the fence and Butch would just give him a tap on the head, trying to get a reaction. Blossom would just blink and hop away. And I'm pretty sure Butch studied that hop and taught himself how to do it.
He also tried to get the attention of their cat too but Tigger couldn't care less about Butch. Granted I saw Butch give him a tap on the face and Tigger let out a big hiss like he was ready to replace the U in Butch with an I.

"Stop teasing me about my harness, Tigger!"

After I moved out my parents started to let Butch go out on his own, no harness, with the idea that he knew where home was and he knew that he got fed there. There had been some scary nights when he was out for a while but he always came back. Some time last year I was talking to my dad on the phone when all of a sudden he stops the conversation to scream, "Oh, Puss, you're favouring your right paw."
Dad hated the name Butch and would usually call him Puss, Pusser, Puss-Puss and Shithead.
After the injury, they kept him back on the harness for a while. He would like to go out at night and come back in just before going to bed. My dad said that in the last little while that he was sleeping a lot for a cat. It's his idea that Butch knew his time was short.

I like to think that too. I know it sounds stupid but maybe he thought he had a bit more time and decided to go outside for one last little adventure. He was found not too far from our backdoor and he hadn't been gone long because he was still warm. I get the feeling he probably wanted to make it to my parent's bedroom and sleep on his special towel at the end of the bed on my mom's side...but it was too late.

I haven't shed a tear over his passing but that doesn't mean I'm not sad. I'm going to miss not hearing him meow at late hours looking for someone to play with; watching him chase his own tail like a stupid dog or watching him get excited when he sits by the window and chirps at birds he hopes to eat. I'll miss hearing him meow and purr at the same time whenever he gets his special breakfast and those little massages he would give out at the oddest times.

However one thing I won't miss about him was his warped sense of humour in thinking that taking a massive dump on brand new sheets for my bed was a riot. Hadn't even gotten a chance to sleep in them and he's already defiled them with his stench. It was so bad my dad had my sister handle the sheets.

But there were plenty of more good times than bad with Butch and those are the times I'll remember best. I miss my kitty and I always will.

Butch Schweitzer: 2001-December 17, 2011

My Favourite Christmas Themed Entertainment

Last year around this time I presented to you my list of The Greatest Christmas Specials Never, a list of Christmas specials that we sadly never got to see (My sister thought the Full House one was real). However this year, I think I'm going to go over some of my favourite Christmas themed episodes from TV series as well as movies that some people may not pay much attention to. So without further ado, grab yourself some egg-nog, sit down and enjoy my list of Favourite Christmas Themed Entertainment EVER!!!

1) Batman: The Animated Series-"Christmas With the Joker"

OK, if you don't like this show at all (I'm looking at you, Katelynn) then I have to question your sanity. And if you can't enjoy watching Batman and Robin trying to stop the Joker from killing three of our favourite side characters on Christmas eve, then you lack a soul.

One of the many things that made this series work was that they had an incredible cast of voice actors. Every voice suited the character it belonged to and no greater example could be made than Mark Hamill as the Joker. I'm sorry, a part of me still can't believe that freakin' Luke Skywalker voiced Batman's greatest nemesis. And Hamill just shines in this episode, from the opening scene where he escapes from Arkham Asylum (He waves goodbye to Charles Manson just before exiting-I shit you not) to when he uses a sock puppet to blow up a bridge that a train is crossing. You can laugh along with him and at the same time he has enough of an edge that makes you think, "Yeah, I'm not fuckin' with this dude."

Looking like this and still managing to be threatening is why Mark Hamill is the best Joker. Sorry, Heath

Apparently the Joker was originally supposed to kidnap some random family but the network had the writers change it to Commissioner Gordon and the lot because a random family might have been frightening to younger audiences. Look, I think I was six when this episode first aired and nothing about this show ever frightened me.

It's a great episode from a great series and the perfect way to put you in the crime-fighting mood this holiday season.

2) A Pinky and the Brain Christmas

According to my father, he came home from work early one morning, turned on the TV and caught and episode of the awesome Pinky and the Brain and was hooked. We watched it when it aired in prime time on Sunday nights and we loved it. So when we found out that there was going to be a full half-hour Christmas special, we knew that we had to tape it for him.

Going undercover as elves at the North Pole, our two favourite rodents bent on global domination attempt to have Santa plant a brainwashing toy in every house throughout the world. Of course things can't go right and that's where the episode shines in terms of comedy and moments that tug at your heart.

I watched this episode just yesterday and I can honestly say that near the end as the Brain reads Pinky's letter I was getting misty eyed.

Yeah, that show A) how emotionally screwed up I am and B) that this show truly was one of the best things on TV at the time. I haven't been able to catch it on TV in years and was lucky to find it online but if you're fumbling around cable and happen to see it on your program guide, stop what you're doing for 30 minutes and watch this because it is genius that's currently lacking in today's TV programs.

A quick note: When we watched this in 1996, the scene where Brain screams at Pinky, "Give me that stupid letter" caused me and my sisters to laugh and say, "That's Dad."

3) Batman Returns

This movie takes place around Christmastime and for some reason I really get in the mood to watch it around this time of year. I don't know, maybe it has something to do with a recent podcast I did with The Basement Vagrants but for the past few days I've had this movie on my mind.

Is it a perfect movie? No, not really but in a way it seems perfect for it's time and a good adaptation of the Caped Crusader. However it is entertaining and doesn't leave me bored. I remember being a little kid, begging my parents to let me see this movie. Sadly, at the time, they sucked as parents and said no. However that didn't stop them from buying me Batman toys and storybooks based on the movie that was apparently too violent and vulgar for me. Hypocrisy much, Mom and Dad?

PS: I think the Wayne Manor/Batcave playset is still in their crawlspace and for sale I might add. We shall start the bidding at $1000

I think I might even have the box this came in

4) Gordon Ramsay Christmas Specials

If food porn like this doesn't have you salivating for holiday meals, then I don't know what will. True story, last year when I was home for Christmas, I showed this video to my Dad, who immediately demanded I go out and by croissants and smoked salmon. This was Christmas eve but I was able to get it done cause I'm awesome. We made this Christmas morning just like Ramsay shows you and it was really amazing.

5) Almost Every Christmas Themed Sketch from Mad TV

I'm sure I've said it before but I'll say it again: During the mid 90's to early 2000's, Mad TV did stuff that would have me in stitches while Saturday Night Live was descending into the mediocrity it happily resides at today. It can't hold a candle to what Mad TV was doing and it's a pity that the seasons haven't been released on DVD yet. Anyway, there are so many sketches to go over so I'll just give a quick rundown of some of my favourite Christmas themed sketches from Mad TV.

A) Magic Johnson's Kwanzaa Special

Aries Spears is someone who could make my Dad laugh doing anything and he was in top form when parodying former NBA superstar and failed talk show host, Magic Johnson. While they could have gone the easy route and makes jokes about Johnson being HIV positive, Spears plays him as an illiterate idiot, being cancelled by the networks at every turn. I think what also makes this sketch work is Pat Kilbane as Al Gore. I can honestly see the former VP going up to Magic and saying, "As salaam alaikum".

B) Rooftop Memories

When I was younger, I would be the one who would heave to help my parents put up the lights around the house for the holidays. Now that I don't live there anymore, I don't know who helps or even if they bother to put up the lights. However, if they are still putting them out, I imagine this is how it usually goes.

C) Opening Christmas Presents from Mom

I'm not going to name names, but at least over ten years ago, I recall a girl I know being worried around Christmas because she was afraid she would appear ungrateful by not showing enough verbal excitement over what she was given. It had her worked up to the point of tears which made me want to smack the stupid out of her.

Anyway, this sketch reminds me of her. While everyone is opening up their presents they receive from the mother, despite the excitement over what they're getting, she seems to think that they hate their gifts. The sketch reaches it's comedy climax when Alex Borestein screams, "What is your problem, you rag bitch!?" This is a common line when opening Christmas presents at my house.

D) Holiday Fantanas

I've never had a Fanta drink in my life so I don't know if they are as good as this sketch claims. However Paul Vogt, the actor who plays Beth, apparently took inspiration for his character by viewing footage of my younger sister drunk on the Internet. He has her mannerisms down pat.

E) Santa's Real Workshop

Look, we all know that toys aren't made at the North Pole, so what would happen if a little kid found out where all of Santa's workforce comes from?

Plus, I wish I could be like this Santa. Just walking around all day, pelting people with sugar cubes.

F) Stuart's Nativity Play

What kind of Mad TV list would this be without an entry involving Stuart?

For as many people I know who love Michael McDonald's signature character, there are just as many who HATE this character. I think the people who hate Stuart are more upset that kids like him exist in real life and have parents that are just as doting and blind as Doreen. This is your average Stuart sketch, him being bratty, somehow getting down to bikini briefs and saying, "Look what I can do!" but at the same time, it's Stuart playing Jesus. You don't see that everyday.

G) Suge Knight's Christmas Album

Again, with just the simple motion of opening his eyes really wide with his with that our family come join his for the holidays, Aries Spears had my dad in stitches. The Eminem parody might be a bit off today but ten years ago that was dead on.

H) Paul Timberman, Christmas Tree Episode

The joke in my family is that this character is based on my Opa, who has had several injuries in his life but never quite to the extreme as poor Paul Timberman.

I) Tickle Me Emo

This was one of the few Mad TV sketches that was able to get the YouTube treatment with people making hundreds of copies of it. This was a hilarious take on those damned Tickle Me Asshole Elmo dolls which came out at the time. What surprised me about that video was the debates some people would get into about Emo's. Some objected to Emo having a My Chemical Romance sticker on his vest but who gives a shit. It's funny. Laugh, damn you!!!

6) Mickey's Christmas Carol

I remember having this on tape as a little kid and probably haven't seen it in over 20 years. It's a very faithful adaptation of the Dickens classic and shorter than I remember considering that they are able to cram it into a half hour short feature. A lot of today's younger generation probably won't recognize some of the characters from less familiar Disney features but they're bound to enjoy it nonetheless. The scene with Scrooge falling into his grave near the end always freaked the shit out of me.
Say what you want about Disney being for little kids, it's a hell of a lot better than that damn adaptation with Jim Carrey from two years ago.

7) The Muppet Christmas Carol

I was bored last weekend and decided to see if this was any good and despite being mostly marketed at kids, this was actually pretty well done and more faithful than the Disney version above. Plus, it's got frickin' Michael Caine as Scrooge and he's awesome in almost everything.

What I actually like about this is that there aren't any familiar muppets as the three spirits that visit Scrooge. In fact, most people compare them to Harry Potter characters than anything Jim Henson created. It's your usual Muppet tale with humans interacting with creatures like it's an everyday thing and stuff like fruits and vegetables talking (Who eats that stuff?) and was the first Muppet movie made after Jim Henson died.
I think he'd be impressed with what they did.

Speaking of a Christmas Carol, I was hoping to find the 1999 version with Patrick Stewart but all I can find is just trailers from YouTube. I'm a bit let down that people nerdier than me haven't uploaded it because it's fucking Captain Picard playing Scrooge. Who wouldn't love to see that?

Aliens

Like most people, if I think about something long enough it'll usually end up in my dreams. Last month I all of a sudden got on some big kick about Alien and it's sequel Aliens. While babysitting Lyle for Aaron and Katelynn that same month I was excited to come home and find that Alien would be on one of their channels. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the channel it would be airing on was unavailable on their cable package. Yeah, one of my favourite movies of all time was unavailable but thank God Katelynn had subscribed to the Oprah Winfrey Network so I could watch The Gayle King Show.

But yeah, I would have dreams that the Aliens (or Xenomorphs as they are commonly called) were attacking and I was usually caught in the middle. One dream they didn't even show up. There was some crisis on Earth, a massive Xenomorph infestation. Economies were in worse shape then they are today (I recall telling a person in the dream that the money he had would soon be worthless) and most people were armed just in case something came popping out of someone's chest.

I always thought this is what happened when you drank the water in Mexico...

The second dream was a lot more brief. All I knew was that I was in some sort of facility, working on a computer and all of a sudden there are a bunch of Xenomorphs in the room. While a normal human being would be pretty boned by the situation, I somehow managed to make it out and to a car where I promptly realized that the entire human race was pretty much screwed.

Two nights ago there was a non-alien related dream...though it was a bit related to a scene in Alien. I imagined I was in the crawlspaces of a massive spaceship. Every time I stopped moving, the shafts would start moving around, changing directions; almost like I was navigating a Rubik's cube that would change every few seconds.

The weird thing is that for some reason this dream has me wanting to watch Blade Runner for the first time in probably 10 years.