Vacation and the Future

Well, here I am back in my bedroom after a nice (but too brief) trip back home for Christmas holidays. It may have been for five days but in my view it was a matter of quality not quantity. And needless to say, while I may have slept for most of the first day, I certainly made up for it by cooking not only an amazing steak dinner for my family (Tip: When the blood starts to rise, your steak is 'medium') which my Dad praised as being as good as The Keg, but also a bitching minestrone soup that would make any Italian chef weep out of pure envy. My mom helped with that one.

I would put the recipe up but I decided that I'll save that for another post in the new year. Tonight I was supposed to be going into work but it seems that my manager (Who reminds me of what Gordon Ramsay said about some restaurant managers: "They can't even run a bath.") thought that I still had one more day of vacation. So needless to say, I arrived at work, collected my paycheck and promply left.

Mine was like this except a lot more awesome

Christmas was very good this year. I got a lot of books (A sign that the person giving the gift hates you, I've heard) but the ones I've read the most have been the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels that my younger sister got me. I actually enjoyed them more than I thought I originally would though I'm still a bit hesitant about seeing the movie.

It's not that I'm the type who thinks Hollywood ruins everything they touch (They don't have to try hard, though), it's just that I'm not the biggest fan of Michael Cera. Yes, he's Canadian like me, I'm sure he's very talented but...his voice. My sisters at the age of 12 sounded more masculine than he does.

Michael Cera in "Scott Pilgrim VS Puberty"!

But my stay at home isn't going to be very long. In a little more than a week I'll be flying out to Las Vegas with Aaron and another friend of his. It was something we had talked about over beer which I thought wouldn't happen for another couple of years. However since he's getting married in June, he's decided that now is the right time to do it before he ruins his life.

At the moment there aren't too many plans for once we arrive. Gamble a little, see the sights, take in a show (Penn and Teller, if possible) and battle sobriety among other activities. I was hoping that there might be a boxing event that weekend in Vegas but no such luck.

Viva this place!

I'm also thinking of getting a place of my own sometime before the year is through. While I do enjoy living here because of how close everything is, it would be nice to have my own kitchen and occasionally not have to try to sleep through the sounds of crying babies or barking dogs. However I've got quite a lot of time to work all that out.

The Asshat Commonly Known As Prince

You know, as people get older, they start to make mistakes a lot easier. Take my beloved Opa for a second. Sure he has views that prevent anyone in my family from running for office for about fifty years and he could probably write an entire encyclopedia on Seinfeld and the works of Bugs Bunny, yet occasionally he'll be fixing something and injure himself to the point where Mad TV's Paul Timberman would wince in pain.

However, all the amputations, loss of blood and bee stings can't compare to the sheer buffoonery that is the existance of Prince Frederic Prinz von Anhalt or as I like to call him, Prince Frederic Prinz von Asshat.

Ah, we were just talking about you

First, let's just make something clear: He's not a real Prince. He was adopted as an adult by the daughter in law of a German emperor and has publically admitted that the title doesn't mean jack.

For those of you, Asshat is the husband of former actress/socialite Zsa Zsa Gabor. You've probably never heard of her or seen any of her movies. In fact the closest you ever got to seeing her in a movie was watching her sister Eva Gabor voice the character of Bianca in The Rescuers and The Rescuers Down Under.

Behold, the face that launched a thousand furries

So yeah, since it's not fifty years ago and her name isn't in the news anymore, Prince Asshat has decided that the best way to remind us that she's alive is to keep up to his namesake and to the most assinine things you can imagine. So let's just look over some of the more memorable aspects of Prince Asshat's exposure in the media.

1. "Call the Maury Show, I know I'm the father!": Remember back in 2007 when Anna Nicole Smith died and people where shocked that a gold-digging, bloated, alcoholic, drug abusing, no talent, Marilyn Monroe wannabe, died of an accidental overdose and decided that they would cover her funeral like she had actually contributed something to society?
(Well, to be fair, if it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have Stephanie Weir's hilarious portrayal of her on Mad TV)

Well, off course with Anna Nicole Smith being dead, there was great speculation about who the father of her daughter was. While my name was often tossed into the mix, one of the many who came forward claiming to be the father was Prince Frederic. Yeah, here's the thing, Anna Nicole Smith only nailed old men who had lots of money to leave her when they died two hours after marrying her. What's even more laughable is that he said that this affair went on for over ten years. Yeah, right, I'm sure you just kept telling her, "The cheque's in the mail."

Why is it people who dress up like the Joker always seem to die of an accidental overdose?

2. "They may have stolen my clothes, but they didn't steal my pride!!! I gave that away years ago...": Since the Anna Nicole story didn't get him his own reality show which he was probably secretly hoping for, later that year, his Royal Dumbness found himself in a most unusual situation. It seemed that while sitting in his Rolls-Royce, he was approached by three beautiful women who wanted to take pictures with.

Hoping that they would later die of an accidental OD, Asshat obliged, knowing that a picture might be used as evidence that he fathered one or all of their children. However, as soon as he opened the door he was robbed at gunpoint, stripped naked and bound him handcuffs. Despite no handcuffs being found at the scene of the crime, the assailants were never found.


OK, not even those freaks who pretended their kid was in the runaway balloon were this desperate for a reality series. No handcuffs were found, and yet despite taking all your stuff (clothes, ID, wallet), they just happened to leave behind your cellphone? You make these robbers out to be cunning and manipulative and the next second they're as stupid as you are. Try harder next time, or claim you're in a runaway balloon.

"Hello, ladies."

3. "Let's run for Governor like it's 2003!": Remember back in 2003 how California was having a recall election and everyone from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Gary Coleman to porn star Mary Carey ran for the position of Governor.

Well yeah, seven years after everyone stopped caring, Prince Asshat (I'm not going to stop calling him that) decided he would throw his own hat into the mix. His reasons were running were simple enough: There had been an Irish-American, Armenian-American and Austrian-American running the joint, so why not a German-American?

Buddy, why not just say the following: "This state has been governed by people who aren't celebrities, people who were celebrities, so why not someone who would sell their nutsack to the devil to be a celebrity?"
Oh he also added that California had the best beaches, oranges (Talk to Florida, dude), wine and (I'm not kidding) pot.

Sadly he had to drop out of the race due to his wife's ailing health. He may be an asshat but at least he's not a doucebag who would exploit her illnes to get sympathy votes.

4. "Get me my medicine. It's right next to the rat poison.": This happened just recently and to be honest, I nearly pissed myself when I read the story. A few days ago, hoping that the ghost of Christmas yet to come would finally reward him with a reality show, he accidently glued his eye shut.

Now, as I said earlier, when we get older, we make mistakes a lot easier but why in the name of god would you keep nail glue right next to your eye drops. Also, why in the hell wouldn't you look at what you're grabbing? What makes this even more stupid is the fact that he admitted that Zsa Zsa doesn't even use the nail glue anymore.

SO WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, ASSHAT!?

So yeah, in short, Prince Asshat is a danger to himself and most likely others and would be best kept under 24 hour guard in a room with padded walls and shock treatments every twelve hours. My only hope is that my own grandparents can age with grace and dignity and not one day accidentally brush their teeth with a jackhammer.

"There's nothing wrong with eating rotten fruit!"

The Best Christmas Specials Never!!!

I haven't been posting as much and that pisses me off because it means that once again, the only way I can get motivated to write is when my dad gets a letter to the editor published in the newspaper. This time my dad basically says that life should be like Grand Theft Auto and if he sees a man on a bicycle, he should have the right to run him over...and then back up and do it again.

Or something like that. Truth is I couldn't really pay too much attention to the letter since the sound of my blood boiling, due to being outdone by a man who has so much trouble operating the computer that I think the only piece of technology he is safe around is his electric toothbrush, was quite distracting.

Here we see my father on an everyday afternoon drive

Feel Free to Answer

Is the new internet pastime making fun of Tommy Wiseau?

"You are TEARING ME APART, Schweitzer-Man!!!"

You Don't Need to See It to Know It Sucks

It's the weekend for me, which means I'm awake at ungodly hours. And since nothing is open aside from the 24/7 gas bars, I've decided that I would browse the internet looking for Christmas presents that I might want to get from willing family members this year.

I was planning on making a blog post about how I got wasted two weeks ago but decided against it because the way I was writing it sucked as well as it just seemed too detailed. So instead I'll give give you the Coles Notes version of my drunken drunkenness:

-I laugh like Amadeus when I'm drunk

-I seem to take great offense when not being allowed to pay for my share of food/drink

-I offered a toonie, though that it was rejected, only to find out that Aaron took it and bought coffee with it the next day

-I had trouble opening my wooden fence to get home

-Apparently Aaron and I are going to Las Vegas...someday, I guess.

-I have no idea what the hell I was drinking. I thought it was black but Aaron later told me that what I was drinking wasn't black in colour, but gold.

-I write the dumbest text messages when I'm drunk.

Insert retarded laughter here

However, me acting like my younger sister aside, I'd like to talk about something I once again saw on Youtube. No, not another banned Tiny Toons episode where Buster gets hooked on crystal meth. I'm talking about something that sounds even more ridiculous and in a fair world would be banned just as quickly.

Oh, GOD!!!!

Yes, it seems that once again Hollywood has decided to run their hands through precious childhood memories, rape them, abort them, cook it in a stew seasoned with their own feces and then serve it to us through our asses.

Wait, what am I talking about when I say 'childhood memories'? Yogi Bear wasn't a part of my childhood. I mean, yeah, I've heard of him but I never watched him. Hell, I doubt I've even watched a shitty Yogi Bear special that they aired during the 90's like they did with other Hanna Barbara series. Had I seen The Jetsons or The Flinstones? Oh, yeah, but not Yogi Bear. That was stuff my parents most likely watched when they were kids and I don't even think a person their age would want to see this film.

And honestly, why would anyone? Yogi Bear isn't relevant now, nor was he ever. Hell, the movie doesn't look very relevant, just watch the trailer. It's OK, go ahead, waste three minutes of your life.I wouldn't talk, asshole. Not even Bill Murray could help an unfunny movie adaptation of an unfunny comic strip

Well, now that you're back from that. What did we learn about this movie? Well, as I mentioned before, the rape of childhood memories for people in nursing homes but what else? Here are a few observations I've made.

1. Goddamn CGI-You know, I'm really getting tired of seeing live action mixed with CGI. It doesn't look real at all, it looks so out of place. It's not like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where there was an explination for the toons interacting with real people. Here, it just seems so fake and I wonder if I'm watching some alternate reality or something.

2. Justin Timberlake as Boo-Boo-I don't know why people make such a big deal out of Justin Timberlake. I'm not saying he's not talented but at the same time I think he is very overrated. And yet people keep putting him in movies for some reason that continues to baffle me.

Anyway, if you didn't notice before, it just doesn't sound like Justin Timberlake. I can believe that it is Dan Akroyd voicing Yogi because he's a comedian and they know how to do funny voices but with Timerlake, I just feel like his voice has been digitally altered. It's almost as if someone combined HAL 9000 and the boredom of an emo kid and put them in the body of a CGI bear.

Oh and if his voice is being digitally altered to the point where we can't recognize him, then what the fuck is point of casting him? Seriously, it's like in those shitty Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. What is the point of having Justin Long play Alvin if you can make anybody's voice go high pitch? Shit, I used to do it on an old tape recorder back when I was four. For Christ sake, why not just have that annoying Fred from Youtube play all of the chipmunks?

Just what do you think you're doing, Yogi?

3. Did Anyone Find The Plot?-I'm not joking. Usually when you have a trailer that's over two minutes, you have some idea of what the plot is about...well, a good trailer is like that. It gives you some idea. This, all it really is is just a bunch of gags about "pic-a-nics" and nothing else.

To the producers of this movie, we already know that this is going to suck ass, but you're reinforcing that fact when you hide the plot from everybody and try to cover it with a bunch of gags about food.

So yeah, I have to wonder, what in the hell happened to an original idea in Hollywood? I'm not joking, everything is either some shitty remake and every good original idea that comes around gets ass-raped by sequels that it diminishes how good the first one was. However, it doesn't look like you can top the shit pile that Yogi Bear will be.

Fock every focking focker who thinks this focking movie will be focking funny because it won't be! It'll focking suck like the first two!!!

OK...now that I got that out of my system...I'm sure that nothing in the next few months will be as unnecessary and facepalmingly awful as Little Fuckwads.

...Just focking kill me now

DONKEY!!!

You don't need to be reminded that I'm a big Gordon Ramsay fan. I love his passion, his attitude and his sense of humour. And of course, the show that got me started on this adoration was Hell's Kitchen.

I've watched every season. I remember during the summer three years ago when I lived with my sister and her boyfriend how we would gather around my laptop and watch episodes that had been recently uploaded to YouTube while eating a dish that Ramsay himself had posted online like broccoli soup or sticky lemon chicken.

It looks like baby vomit!

Yes, I've been faithful to the show and for some reason it's doesn't seem to get stale or boring...except for this season. It's no fault of Ramsay because whether he's throwing a hot pan in someones face or complimenting them on a perfect risotto, he's always entertaining.

The chefs he has as contestants this season...they just suck so far as I'm concerned. I don't know, their personalities are either bland or bitchy and I really can't believe how quickly these so called men develop vaginas over the course of a few dinners. Plus, how can they screw up stuff that's been on the menu for almost every season. Sorry, but if you haven't got any idea on how to do scallops then you might as well have me take your place, cause I can do scallops.

"Those scallops look lovely, Schweitzer-Man. Service, please."

Plus, five minutes into the first episode and you knew something was off. It was so obvious that the contestants themselves had noticed it and were voicing their displeasure.
No Jean-Philippe.
What in the hell? Yeah, he's back in London working as a maitre'd at another Ramsay restaurant but come on. The dude said he'd never return to Europe and then he just ditches the loyal TV audience like that.

OK, well, he had his reasons and they were legit. But I'm sure that whomever they've got to replace him can surely live up to expectations and while not replace good ol' JP, can certainly be a worthy successor.

Oh...no!

This is what we've got as a substution for the immortal JP? His name is James and don't even ask me where he's from because I don't think his accent can figure it out either. With JP, everything he said, it had that bit of Frenchiness to it...even though he was from Belgium. But with James, it's like his accent is a mix of Texan, British, French and just a drop of Dutch.

Think I'm joking? In episode five of this season, the blue team is doing a punishment and folding laundry. One of the fat guy's pretends that it is a dress and begins flaunting around in it.
"Fat guy in a little table-cloth..." (Apologies to Chris Farley)
James sees this and is unamused. He says something but the problem is his accent at the time is in the mixer and nobody has provided subtitles. So what is he saying?

"Do not cease my lemmings"?
"Do not caress my lemons"?
"Do not increase my limits"?
"Do not crease mile eating"?
Turns out it was "Do not crease my linens" but in all honesty, we could have been here for hours guessing.

After a while, I was just getting bored with it and stopped watching it. However today, after finishing a bi-weekly assignment, I decided that I would spend the time necessary to catch up. Imagine my shock and disbelief when I found out that I hadn't missed everything because the show was on hiatus due to baseball.

So now, I'm not sure whether to count my blessings or if I should catch up on what I've missed on The Apprentice, which I'm surprised to discover I've enjoyed more than this season of Hell's Kitchen.

JP, we hardly knew thee

Randy Quaid Hoping to Outlive Career

It's easy to get hooked into conspiracies. Back in high school I was convinced that there had been one to kill JFK. These days, I'm not too sure about it but then again it's been a long time since I've looked at any of the material. One conspiracy theory I don't (notice the emphasis) believe in is that 9/11 was orchestrated by Bush so that he could invade Iraq.

I always found several problems with this theory:
1) So every other day of the year, Bush is some idiot who couldn't find America on a map but in the days before 9/11, he was planning this masterpiece of terrorism and deception that would make Dr. Doom weep with envy?

2) Why wouldn't he just put FAKE WMD's in Iraq that way if they didn't find any (Which is what happened), they could just plant one and say, "Hey look what we found! Justification!"

He's jealous because he had the exact same plan...except he was going to do it on September 12th

Anyway, I'm getting off track with what I really wanted to talk about. Recently there's been a lot of news about actor Randy Quaid and his wife fleeing to Canada because of legal trouble. Yeah, yeah, I must be bored if all I can write about in three weeks is Randy F'n Quaid.

For those of you who don't know, Randy Quaid is an American character actor. He worked for just one year on Saturday Night Live and appeared as Cousin Eddie in the National Lampoon Vacation movies. The fact that the man could tolerate working with Chevy Chase so many times is a testament to his willpower.

Well it seems that lately he and his wife have been getting into some legal trouble. They were arrested last year for defrauding an innkeeper and faced charges of living in a house without permission.

OK, fraud is a hard charge to beat but living in a house without permission? Shit, I've been doing that for the past 11 months and M'Lord and M'Lady still haven't made any legal action to have me removed. You got to know how to sweet-talk people, Randy. It helps if you give them lemonade mixed with ecstasy; it worked for me.

I've been told that ecstasy really brings out the lemon flavour

The Quaids were supposed to appear in court but instead the couple decided to flee to Canada. Oh, dear. Looks like Randy and his wife took the lemonade themselves; now they think that it's the late 1960's and that the court is actually Vietnam.

Well less than ten days ago the couple were arrested in Vancouver for violation of the Canadian Immigration and Refugee Protection Act. Apparently the couple are seeking refugee status because they fear that their lives are in danger. They cite the deaths of celebrity friends like David Carradine and Heath Ledger as evidence of a Hollywood Whacker who is targeting them.

Several problems with this Randy. First off, David Carradine died of autoerotic asphyxiation (Say that five times fast), something that two of his ex-wives confirmed was something that he practiced.

Second, you're Randy f'n Quaid. Name me two movies you've been in over the past five years and we'll see. Now granted, Carradine's death came after Kill Bill came out but he still had name recognition and was still acting. Heath Ledger died just after finishing The Dark Knight and was reported to have trouble sleeping which is why he was on medication.

And also, what does this Hollywood Hit-team gain from your death? Oh no, we won't get to see some shitty National Lampoon direct to DVD movie that you might have a ten minute cameo in?

Smile why don't ya?

The Animators Were Drunk

I was born in the 1980's but most of my memories start around 1990. And unless you weren't around or an idiot, the 1990s had the best cartoons ever! You didn't realize it at the time because if you were like me, it was a cartoon and any cartoon was a good cartoon. But as you got older and with the advent of YouTube, you realized how amazing shows like Batman: The Animated Series, Animaniacs, Gargoyles and Pinky and the Brain were better than most of the stuff we've got today. Plus, you finally got some of the jokes you wouldn't get when you were four years old.

However one of the first cartoons I can remember watching was Tiny Toon Adventures, another beloved gem from the 1990s. This morning at around 5:30 (Shut up, I work odd hours and I have even odder hours when I'm not working), I was stumbling around YouTube looking for obscure videos when I saw a link to a video declaring itself to be a banned episode of Tiny Toon Adventures.

One of the many contributing factors of me being the man-child I am today

I clicked on it, expecting it to be a bad dubbing hoping to catch a little bit of notoriety like the guys who made The Juggernaut Bitch! but it turns out that no, what I'm seeing is real. A segment called One Beer where Buster, Plucky and Hamton find a bottle of beer, drink it and spend the rest of the episode totally wasted actually aired back in 1991.

I'm not kidding. Buster even says at one point, "Are we wasted or what? HAAAA!", which I find funny simply because it's a blue rabbit with a duck and a pig admitting they're drunk and also because Buster's line has become my younger sister's catchphrase.

What I also find hilarious is that it's clearly stated that this is the only beer that they've had. I mean, yeah, I'm a lightweight but holy hell, one beer, split between three cartoon animals and suddenly they make Amy Winehouse look like...uh, you know what, they're not as drunk as Amy Winehouse.

After Tiny Toons went off the air, Buster Bunny partied hard with Robert Downey Jr until an accidental overdose took his life in 2001

So you might be thinking, "OK, they get drunk, learn how damaging alcohol can be to their bodies and minds and in the end they vow never to drink again", right?
Wrong!
Instead, our heroes decide that they need to make life a lot more exciting by stealing a police car and pulling a DWI. Yeah, they're still drunk after splitting one bottle of beer three-ways and decide to steal a police car.

Why can't we have more cartoons like this? I'm not joking, air it in prime time and have all the stars of Tiny Toons just acting like total assholes, stealing cars, getting drunk, picking fights with people smaller than them. Why the hell isn't anyone making this a reality yet?

Plucky Duck made a decent living as an amateur photographer, however nothing could help his gambling addiction. He was later executed by a loan shark for failing to make payment

By now you're thinking, "OK, they steal a car, go on a high speed chase OJ style, get arrested and learn the evils of alcohol, right...right?"
Well if by that you mean they drive up a spiralling road and then fly off the edge to their deaths...then yeah, that's exactly what happens.

So, Buster, Plucky and Hamton are dead...or are they?
No, of course not. It turns out that they were just filming a sketch for the show...sorta like breaking the fourth wall. It turns out the whole episode dealt with PSA-ish type sketches including illiteracy and bullying.

After years of dealing with obesity and depression, Hamton J. Pig finally snapped and robbed a bank in 1997. He was later arrested and is currently serving 20 to life.

Naturally concerned parents freaked out because now children were watching their favourite cartoon characters get plastered and eventually kill themselves, so it was never aired again in the United States. So let's get this straight, we can show people getting hit with blunt objects which would cause severe brain damage and survivng explosions every other episode but once we show someone drinking, that's a step too far?

I don't see the harm in that segment and personally find it funny. It's not preachy, beating you over the head with it's message. Although to be fair, they should have warned kids not to start drinking until they were in high school and could get a fake ID.

And that last sentence is another reason why I should not be allowed to have children.

That's the Chicago Way!

I'm 24 years old right now. I still consider myself pretty young and most people would agree that I act a lot younger than my age. I don't really look forward to getting old but after browsing the news today, I can't help but count the days until I turn 65. Because then I can shoot people...and get away with it. Come on, if it applies to her then certainly good ol' Schweitzer-Man should get the same deal in 2051.

Can you just imagine that? You're some young punk thinking you can fuck around with old man Alzheimer when all of a sudden-BANG!!!-you've been shot in the stomach and you're bleeding pretty badly. Not enough to kill you, but enough to make you wish you were dead.

"That's the Schweitzer way!"

The big kick that I get out of this is that the kid who got shot is the one who could be facing time behind bars. Actually, I'm not sure what's funnier, the fact that the kid could go to jail or that a lot of people in the neighbourhood are jealous that this old bag got to do it first.

And she gets off with not even a slap on the wrist. Holy shit, this has got to piss off those people who claim they drive halfway across town in their sleep to kill their mother-in-law.

Even cooler is that by the year 2051, weapons technology will have advanced so far that there will be all new ways to terrorize the little whippersnappers who try to mess with me. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the phasers from Star Trek are household items by that time. Those kids better hope they're not wearing a red shirt.

I told you stay off my lawn, you little bastard!

So You're NOT Joey?

Typecasting sucks. When I did acting I was usually typecast as the villain but that didn't bother me at all. It wasn't as if I was making a living from it, it was just amateur theatre. However if all you're known for is playing some brain dead asshat and as a result you can't get any work and people aren't sure whether you're dead or alive...then yeah, typecasting can suck.

No, no, I'm not picking on Jennifer Aniston again. I got enough flack from my dad for doing that. I haven't heard such a pathetic plea to leave a washed-up celebrity alone since Chris Crocker. Instead I'm focusing in on Matt Leblanc, who recently got pissed off simply because someone greeted him in a way similar to his character on Friends, Joey Tribbiani.

"Leave Jennifer alone! She's a HUMAN!!!"

Holy crap, Joe-I mean, Matt, lighten up. How do you know they're someone who didn't recognize you and were just given you a casual greeting? Shouldn't you be grateful that the person wanted to know if life was treating you good since Hollywood isn't?

But at the same time, I'm sure it's pretty frustrating that everybody knows you simply as "Joey". I mean, what's with people? There's no way that after playing the same character for ten years on a highly rated NBC sitcom and then going into your character's own self titled (and disastrous) spin-off series that people would only recognize you as that same character.

Well, God dammit, I'm on your side. Matt LeBlanc is not just Joey but he's...uh...hang on, let's see what IMDB can find for us...ah, here we go. In 1996, LeBlanc stepped in for Marlon Brando and took the lead role in the movie Ed, a film about a monkey that becomes a pitcher for a baseball team.

Shouldn't LeBlanc's name be above him and not the monkey?

Sure the movie was a flop at the box office and your monkey co-star was said to show more emotional depth than you, but dammit this is a start.

OK...next we have...well, this is sort of good and sort of bad. As we all know, in 1997 and 1998, the big movie on the mind of everybody was one of the worst films of all time, Titanic. For a movie about a ship that sank on it's first voyage, this film stayed around longer than necessary and was number one at the box-office until a film based off a 1960's TV show starring a certain friend (Ha...ha) came and sank it.

Unfortunately that film was Lost in Space.

Wow, they all look so vapid and uninteresting. How could film possibly suck?

I remember seeing this movie in theatres when it came out. It was cool to look at but at the same time it was just so stupid. I don't wanna sound like I'm ripping off the Nostalgia Critic, but I agree with him when he says that this movie is bad on the same levels as Batman and Robin.

Hmm...both films were crap, yet George Clooney still has a career. Perhaps LeBlanc should have done what Clooney did and constantly refer to himself as the character he portrayed. Clooney was still calling himself Batman even after the Chris Nolan films came out, so why couldn't LeBlanc have called himself...who did he play again? Oh, right Major Don West. You have only yourself to blame for this mistake, Joey-I mean, Matt.

"Nobody ask me 'How you doin...', alright? I'm late for my job at the Post Office."

Then there was the film Charlie's Angels. I looked on Wikipedia and nowhere does it even mention your character in the plot...so yeah, best to just ignore that...and the sequel.

And that's it. That's all you've done and it's all crap. So you can't be pissed off when people recognize you as the character in the one piece of entertainment that wasn't a piece of shit...even though Friends was really stupid.

Hey, hold on, IMDB, has you listed as a producer. Now that's a step in the right direction. Everyone rips Ben Afflek's acting but he does good work as a director. So, what blockbuster film has your name on it as a producer?

Budget: $47,000,000.
Box Office Gross: $10,547,117

Oh, I had no idea, I'm so sorry, I'm just going to stop right now before I drive you deeper into depression.

Updates and stuff...

A new blog post in less than a week? Surely there must be something wrong with me. Well, you're kinda right. All last week I had a sore throat and possible fever that left me coughing like I had given up smoking for the first time since exiting the womb.

Naturally, I tried to stay hydrated but this of course resulted in more phlegm and since I'm a typical lazy bastard, I decided to discard the mucus in a bottle of Brisk Fruit Punch. Now of course, since I'm feeling better, I no longer need the bottle however I am afraid that the phlegm in the bottle may have mutated into something similar to the slime in Ghostbusters II. Releasing it could suck all of Calgary down into the 7th layer of hell: Edmonton.

I should get a medal since I didn't let this happen


Now, you'd think after a week of coughing up slime, that I would be cured. And you're right. But then of course, come Monday morning, I wake up with a stiff neck. Now I've had them before but this probably ranks as the second worst I've had. It was like someone replaced my neck with the Tin-Man's leg and then injected Viagra into my neck. Seriously, you could swing a scimitar at my neck and it wouldn't budge.

Of course I am all better now but with these recent bouts of sickness, I've lost weight which isn't good considering that the average obese toddler has more weight in their ass than I do in my entire body.

I thought people were supposed to be starving in China


Anyway, since I already run around work like a horse, run at the gym like a gazelle and a metabolism which on it's worst day is still faster than Usain Bolt on his best day, I decided to follow some advice I was given and buy a tub of ice cream for myself. It's strange but considering what a sugar addict I am, I haven't really touched it. Perhaps I'm afraid I'll turn into some fat slob and just sit around watching soap operas.

Ben and Jerry's: The closest Rosie O'Donnell ever gets to having a threeway with two men

At the moments M'Lord and M'Lady are probably on their way back from vacation to...wherever the fuck it is they go. I'm being honest, I have no idea where they go or what they do. All I know is this: They ask me to watch the dogs and make sure they're fed...and then don't leave me any food to feed them!!!

It would be like if I said, "Hey, while I'm gone, feel free to use my car to go wherever you want" but then when you get in you find that I didn't leave any gas in the tank.
Their daughter has a word for that kind of arrangement: "Poop!"

Joke's on you...I don't even own a car

For some reason I want to write about MasterChef now that they just aired the season finale but I don't feel that I would do any good. Mostly it would be me bashing that smug jackass David Miller. Now, I know, I am the embodiment of the term "smug jackass" but I can turn it off. Plus I'm likable...at least I think I am.

And there's also the new season of The Apprentice. While I normally liked the show in the first three seasons, the more it went on the more tiresome it became. Plus when he's got his own kids helping him make business decisions...yeah, it just doesn't float. Sorry, Donald, but you and your kids and your bad hair have to go.

"Your mother-I mean, 'you're fired'!