I have a birthday coming up later next month and one thing that has usually happened on or around my birthday is the random death of a celebrity. It's not like in the late Dennis Hopper's case where he's been near death for the past two months but rather a death that just sneaks up out of nowhere and makes you say, "No shit!"
Keep in mind this hasn't happened every year but still, in the past couple of years, on the anniversary of my near divine birth, someone has had to go. This adds to the theory that I am the Grim Reaper and just don't know it yet...
Anyway, let's look back and see who died a few years after I was born
The face of death?
1) Some soldiers in Korea (1950)-Yeah, believe it or not, 36 years before the legend of Schweitzer-Man began, the Korean War started and wouldn't end for another three years. Even worse was that this war wasn't as fun as the series M*A*S*H made it out to be. Another reason to hate Alan Alda.
2) Jacques Cousteau-I was 11 when he died. Didn't know anything about him other than the fact that I thought he was already dead and anything I heard about him was from an episode of Pinky and the Brain. He liked the water, reported to have had The Little Mermaid atop his list of favourite movies...moving on.
Even near the end of his life, Jacques Cousteau loved to play with his action figures
3) Chris Benoit and family (2007)-I used to watch wrestling from time to time but after a while there seemed to be more action backstage in the shitty story lines than in the wrestling ring. However one of my favourite wrestlers was Chris Benoit. He was Canadian, kicked ass and at the time seemed to be a good guy.
Naturally I was shocked as hell when it was reported that he and his family had been found "murdered" in their home. I was just about to start a midnight shift at 7-Eleven when I caught the news and was just floored. It wasn't until days later that we found out the awful truth about what really happened.
4) Farrah Fawcett (2009)- I never heard a lot about her when she was alive. Her prime was in the 70's; way before my time. She was one of those celebrities who was on her last leg for quite a while health wise so for us it was only a matter of time before this Charlie's Angel became a real one. To be honest, I don't really see what the appeal was. Yeah, she had a poster of her in a bathing suit. Has anyone looked at her face in that? She looks like she's high or about to turn into a bloodthirsty zombie. Her death, while tragic, was obscured by another death that happened that day
Looks like it was cold when they took this picture
5) Michael Jackson (2009)-OK, yeah, the guy had been a punchline for the past 10 years but he still had the fans out in masses for his never-to-be comeback tour. But then he had to go and die and then hold the 24-hour news media hostage with constant speculation on whether he was broke, had money, gay, straight, a pervert, black, white, murdered, faked death, going to do a comeback tour as a zombie, Latoya Jackson (Why did you never see them together...kinda like Clark Kent and Superman) etc etc. Personally, while Thriller is a cool song, I just never got the music video at all and personally think that Smooth Criminal is a much better video.
"Now where can I find Zombie Macauly Culkin?"
Now you're probably wondering how the hell Gary Coleman managed to ruin my birthday. Well, the thing is, he happened to die almost a full month before my birthday. Gary Coleman would have been the perfect choice: He was obscure, going slightly crazy and it's probably going to get him more attention than any shitty episode of Diff'rent Strokes ever did...not that he's not getting that now.
I'm sorry if I sound rather cruel and inhumane but this totally screws up any anticipation I had towards my birthday. There's no way some other random celebrity death is going to occur between now and the 25th? I mean, granted, Todd Bridges could slip on a banana peel and break his neck. Hey, whatever happened to that kid who played Sam in the final seasons of the show?
Before becoming the world's greatest salesman, Billy Mays was famous for kidnapping and threatening untalented ginger actors. Seriously, though, watch the episode "Sam's Kidnapping" on YouTube, that's some weird shit right there for a sitcom
Once upon a time, American Idol was something that was actually pretty interesting. Granted the only episodes I watched were the first few of the seasons where they separate the talented from the people who sound like they're gargling razor blades when they sing and I only watch those for a little confidence boost.
I don't know what he's thinking but I know it isn't healthy
However like the rest of the world in 2002, I watched as Kelly Clarkson became the first Idol winner and actually went on to sell albums, win awards and be recognised in public a year later. But it seemed that the more the show went on, the less popular the contestants would get once the season had ended. It was like the public was saying, "So happy you won. Bored now. Later." Plus, how often was it where the singer who came in second turned out being more popular than the winner?
"Hey, hey hey, I'm the guy who beat Clay...and are you gonna finish that cake?"
Plus, how repetitive did the shows get? They'd have a theme for the week, butcher some singer's landmark song, applause, Randy Jackson's play-it-safe critique, Paula Abdul slur about how she'd like to buy a vowel and finish with Simon Cowell busting Ryan Seacrest's balls harder than he does the crappy singer and repeat for however many contestants there are that evening.
Then the following night, have a full hour dedicated to getting an answer you could get by kicking Seacrest in the throat and yanking that envelope out of his hands, opening it and telling whatever reject who knew they had it coming to get lost.
Brian Dunkleman: Career Missing since Season 1 of Idol ended
But the weird thing is, people loved this crap. I can sort of understand it since they got to decide who would be the winner in the end (Yet not decide to buy their albums) but the fact that the audience put up with these one hour shows just to find out who was going home that week. Aside from the last ten minutes, who in their right mind would watch that? But then again, there are worse things you could watch in an hour...
The Hills: Helping the pro-choice movement since 2006
Things were going downhill on the show, you could tell, but it got to the point where Paula Abdul was getting so drunk she thought that people were singing their second song even though they were the first singer to start the show off. She would pass it off as exhaustion, stress, alcohol poisoning, heavy workload, un-prescribed medications but whatever it was, you could tell the executives behind the scenes were sweating whenever the camera caught her throwing up in her Coke (the soda) cup.
Then last season they decided they would add another judge to slowly ease Paula out of the picture and they brought in songwriter Kara DioGuardi. Who? Regardless, her opinion meant dick but it was nice to have at least one female judge who knew what state she was in when addressing the contestants.
"Hi. My name is Kara DioGuardi and even I haven't heard of me. Could someone Google me?"
And in that last season you had one contestant who stood out the most. Whether you voted for him or not, you couldn't really ignore the intensity he brought onto the stage and injected into every song he belted out. Adam Lambert was most likely going to win the show last year but it seemed that a lot of people were put off by his possible homosexuality.
Gasp! A homosexual in the music industry! Surely the world of the 21st century is not ready for such radical change. So instead they gave it to some guy named Kris Allen who probably thought he was the luckiest heterosexual on the planet when he won.
Season 8 winner Kris Allen. Missing since season finale. Foul play by gay mafia suspected
Meanwhile, in between seasons, Paula Abdul decided that now would be a good time to walk away from the show (Could she walk away in a straight line?) and leave people scrambling to find out who would replace Paula. There was speculation that it could be Britney Spears but that was just a recipe for disaster that only a network like Fox could only dream of. But after months of speculation it was decided that the newest judge would be long time producer and multiple Grammy award winning DJ Ellen Degeneres.
Wait-what?
OK, Simon Cowell, I can understand having because he's a record producer and has been doing this for a long time. Randy Jackson, I also understand having because he's worked with people like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston as well as being the brother Michael never talked about. I did what Kara asked and found out that she is a songwriter. OK, that makes sense I guess but what in the name of all things German does Ellen bring to the table? She's a big fan of the show and...she dances on her show. That's it. Did they ever get a callback from Britney Spears?
"Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?"
So by this point you could tell that the show was just going downhill. The familiarity of the judges was gone, most of the contestants were people with rice-cake personalities (Bland, white, no flavour) and to put the final nail in the coffin, Simon Cowell declared that this season would be his last.
Most people don't watch American Idol for the singers, they watch it because they want to see Simon destroy someone's life with just one clever quip that couldn't be pulled off by anyone who didn't have a British accent. And as a final act worthy of a Picard facepalm, the audience once again picked some boring white guy with little to no personality to win. Gee, cause everyone was just crazy for Taylor Hicks in 2005.
With Cowell now departing, Jackson is the only remaining original judge and if he's smart, he'll walk away before Fox gets the same idea I just had and decide to make Kevin Federline the replacement for Simon. Cowell himself said he was getting bored with the whole thing and can you blame him?
So to wrap it up, American Idol once was perhaps the most important TV show in North America. Now it's probably going to reach the importance levels of Dancing With the Stars. And don't get me started on that piece of crap. Whoever watches that needs to have the stupid slapped out of them.
I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I'm trying to remember everything I ate/sampled/tasted yesterday but nothing is coming up as something that would make me sick. After waking up much earlier than usual, I went back to sleep and my fever induced brain decided to produce another Hell's Kitchen nightmare for me. Though this time, Gordon Ramsay actually made an appearance...and cursed me out.
"Stop having nightmares about me; I've never met you, you DONKEY!"
I'm guessing that this must have been the first episode of the new season because based on the job I did in my dream, it would be a miracle if I made it to three episodes. First off, the kitchen looked nothing like it did on TV. In fact, it looked more like the dining room considering all the other chefs were sitting at tables and in booths.
So anyway, the maitre'd, Jean Philippe, came to the pass and dropped off the order. Either I had already pissed off Ramsay or this was a test but he demanded that I read out the first order. I was a bit nervous about the whole thing and to make matters worse, I couldn't read what was on the ticket. I once heard that it is impossible to read in a dream but I've been able make out words clearly before. However, tonight wasn't the case.
After getting impatient over my sudden case of illiteracy, Ramsay snatched the ticket out of my hand and snarled that he would read it himself. However while I was ready to listen, the rest of the kitchen was just sitting in thier booths and at the tables, chattering away while I was trying to get them to be quiet.
Suddenly Ramsay turned towards the dining room. "Ladies and gentlemen," he shouted, "if you'd kindly shut the fuck up for twenty seconds, I would like to get the first order out." It was the first time I'd seen Ramsay yell at customers for making too much noise but, hey, it's his kitchen; I'll let him yell at whomever he likes.
"Look, I'm very sorry for yelling at you. It happened in a fever induced dream. Now fuck off."
Normally on Hell's Kitchen, the appetizers consist of stuff like scallops, spaghetti of lobster, Ceasar salad but Ramsay called for "Two pear salads away." Like most new contestants on the show, I didn't know the menu so the words "pear salad" were making no sense to me. What was also making no sense to me was that my section consisted of a small reception table that you usually see as you walk into a restaurant. I probably should have clued in that this was a dream at this point but my mind was focused on my work.
"Where's the lettuce?" I asked. It seemed that this poorly designed kitchen lacked all the things that makes a kitchen what it is. I was able to find the lettuce and get it into the bowls but then I noticed something was missing. No pears.
Never fear, however, since I quickly found a pear and began to slice it very thinly. Why? I have no idea. Remember, this was a fever induced dream. So anyway, I've got the salads ready and then Chef Ramsay comes over to see if they're up to standar.
Without saying a word he picked up one bowl and threw it against the wall, sending lettuce and pear everywhere. So much for the words 'never fear'. However instead of shouting at me, all of a sudden this other fat chef is getting a verbal beatdown from Ramsay. It was at this point that I started to realize, "Hey, something's aren't making sense here" and decided to bolt.
I keep missing episodes of Kitchen Nightmares and I can't find any of them on Youtube or any other video streaming website so lately I've just been catching anything Ramsay I can get my hands on.
Couple nights ago I had a dream that I was actually on Hell's Kitchen as a contestant. Don't know why the producers decided to put me on considering the most experience I have in the kitchen was a brief stint as a dishwasher and cooking for myself. Those are the contestants I hate to see on the show. When you're 40, never worked in a professional kitchen but think that playing Mr. Mom (No man with any self-respect should call themself that) qualifies you to be a head chef at a billion dollar casino, then you're about as crazy as some bald eunuch who calls himself a Jedi.
After being eliminated from Hell's Kitchen, contestant Jason Underwood moved to England where he went from sous chef to unemployed Jedi Knight
But it seems that I had made it past the first episode since I was actually doing a challenge (They never do those on the first episode) and the challenge was to cut a whole chicken into eight pieces (Thigh, thigh, wing, wing, drum, drum, breast, breast).
So I went at my chicken and thought I was doing a pretty good job when all of a sudden time was up. Time to present Chef Ramsay with my butchery and see if I'm up to his standard. However as another of my team was up for scrutinizing, something horrible just occurred to me: My chicken has vanished. All the parts that I had cut up were gone. I was looking around for it, wondering if anyone had moved it away. And at this point I'm starting to panic.
Yeah, deep down, I'm sure that Gordon Ramsay is a nice guy who really likes to have a good time but I know that when you're screwing up risotto or under cooking a beef Wellington that he's pretty intimidating. However the dream quickly ended before he could get to me. What's even weirder was that I don't even remember seeing Ramsay to begin with
I don't have a problem too much with fans of Star Wars mainly because I'm one as well. And there are fans even bigger than me (Both in size and loyalty to the franchise) who have read the books that take place after Return of the Jedi and that's fine. I myself tried reading a few of them and just couldn't get into them. All I do know is that for some reason in 1999, they killed Chewbacca. Yeah, one of the most popular characters in the franchise got killed in paperback form.
So, let's get this straight. Fan reaction to Chewbacca is positive so therefore he must die in a story that no one but the die-hard fans will read.
Jar-Jar Binks is perhaps one of the most hated fictional characters ever and yet somehow his disembowelment scene in Revenge of the Sith (A scene which would have redeemed Lucas in the eyes of millions-nay, billions!) was left on the cutting room floor.
Anyway, I'm getting off subject. Back to the fans.
I don't have any problems with the ones who dress up as their favourite character when going to conventions because it is a gathering of fans and that's how they show their love for the franchise.
But one thing I can't stand is when fans go so far as to try and actually meld the Star Wars universe into real life, like this asshat below did.
Just look at those eyes...you don't wanna know what he does with his lightsaber in private
This, ladies and gentlemen, is Chris Jarvis; a self proclaimed Jedi Knight. To make a long story short, let me just post the link to his tale of woe and read how even in the 21st century, Jedi's still aren't treated as real people!
Now that you've wiped away your tears let me bring you back to reality which is a place that Chris Jarvis has been out of contact with for some time.
Number One: Just take your fucking hood off. I know it must pain you, Chris, that you started to go bald at around age 24 but just accept this: At age 31 you're as bald as Telly Savalas and you're not going to get hair like Ewan McGregor just because you wear a hood and call yourself a Jedi. Hell, you admit to becoming a Jedi only last year simply because it would enable you to wear a hood. Wear a wig.
Also, the Jedi in the movies spend more time with their hoods OFF than they do wearing them. When they removed their hoods, which is how they are often revealed in the movies, they didn't stop being Jedi. They just stopped being Jedi who wore hoods. In fact, the longest instance I can recall a Jedi wearing their hood in the movies was when Obi-Wan fought Vader for the last time in the first Star Wars movie...and then he died. Maybe Jarvis was just hoping someone would try to kill him and see if his body would mysteriously vanish too...
Using Jarvis' logic, none of these people are Jedi because they don't have hoods on
And if this asshat would actually pay attention to the movies he loves, he would notice that when indoors, Jedi's usually removed their hoods when talking to people because it's the polite thing to do. Look at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon in The Phantom Menace: They walk into the conference room and take off their hoods.
Why?
Because when you're trying to get somewhere with someone, be it to get them to remove their blockade from a planet or inquire about your disability benefits, it's best to do it with your hood off. How the fuck are they supposed to take you seriously?
Which of these Jedi Knights with an English accent had to be asked to remove their hood?
Number Two: You probably weren't dressed as a Jedi. See, again if you weren't such a fucking asshat, you would probably realize that the Jedi Knights shop at the same outlet mall on Endor and wear practically identical robes. They look like Jedi. The hood comes with the robes. You most likely were wearing some hoodie your girlfriend found at a Bargain Bin that had been vomited on by it's previous owner.
Does anyone else find it gross that Obi-Wan has been wearing the same robes for 40 years?
Number Three: You look extremely disturbing with a hood on. Seriously, I wasn't joking about what you probably do with your lightsaber in private. You don't look like a Jedi with the hood on, take it off, soften the image because at the moment you look like a Sith Lord who just got busted on Tatooine's version of To Catch a Predator.
Believe it or not, Chris Jarvis is a father of three children and currently lives with his girlfriend. How any woman can put up with a retard like this is beyond me. Hey, maybe he used a Jedi mind trick on her to get laid.
And by Jedi mind trick, I mean roofies.
Number Four: You don't live your life like a Jedi. In the article, Jarvis says the following about his religion: "'I am a Star Wars follower. It means following the way of the Jedi." That's all good and everything but if that's so then why are you suing? You've gotten your apology, now you want to go even further by filing a lawsuit. What you're really after is (aside from a nice payoff) is revenge. Revenge is not a trait of the Jedi, you nerf herder! Take it from your God, George Lucas: When making the final film of the first trilogy, it was originally titled Revenge of the Jedi, but Lucas strongly suggested they changed it because he felt that revenge was not of the ways of the Jedi.
Hence why the final film in the last trilogy was titled REVENGE of the Sith, you fucking asshat! You were afraid of being persecuted by others after this and this has lead to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. This is from Episode I, dickhead, so don't act too surprised by this!
And in case you need reminding, the Jedi in the prequel series (Which is where we see the biggest number of them ) suck! Three of them get killed within ten seconds of fighting a wrinkled old man, they don't do anything about the slaves on Tatooine and most of the time they just sit on their ass talking about getting things done but nothing happens. It's like watching the Obama administration in space. Why would you want to be like these people? Oh right, cause you're bald and have a microscopic penis.
"Stupid your lawsuit is."
Number five: STAR WARS IS A MOVIE! I don't care how much you love it. You can love it like a religion but when you start trying to incorporate that fictional world into real life then I'm afraid you need a swift kick in the balls. Seriously, what if Jar-Jarvis went to the grocery store and when he goes to pay for it the cashier says, "I only accept Republic credits"? In fact, I hope that happens. I love Star Wars as much as the next guy but...grow up. You're 31 years old and going around telling people that you're a Jedi. But aside from having Mace Windu's power of not growing hair on the top of your head, what abilities do you have?
So in conclusion, people like Chris Jar-Jarvis are prime examples of why some people hate Star Wars: Fans act like complete retards who have no idea how the real world works. I hope the judge throws his case out and tells him to get a job like the actors who pretended to be Jedi did when they stopped making Star Wars movies.
Boxing is not a perfect sport. There are instances of fighters who take forever to get a title shot (Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Frankie Randall), shady promoters (Don King) and scorecards that makes you think wonder if Helen Keller was sitting at ringside as a judge (Lewis/Holyfield I, Williams/Martinez). But one thing just as annoying as any of those is a fighter that doesn't know when to quit.
Helen Keller or a corrupt Las Vegas boxing judge? You decide!
Today I'll be writing about two such fighter: Bernard Hopkins and Roy Jones Jr. Both are two of the best fighters of their era and both have been fighting professionally for over twenty years and both continue to fight despite being over the age of 40.
Both came from different backgrounds. Jones was brought up by a tough, hard knocks father who was grooming his son to be a champion. Stardom seemed evident for Jones when he got screwed by clones of Helen Keller at the 1988 Seoul Olympics after dominating his opponent from start to finish.
Can you spot Helen Keller in this video?
Despite this, Jones went on with his pro career and ended up winning titles at Middleweight, Super-Middleweight, Light-Heavyweight and Heavyweight and was named the best fighter of the 1990's as well. But before all the titles, he came up against a tough contender from Philadelphia named Bernard Hopkins.
Hopkins was also an amateur boxer but was pulled into the street gangs and then thrown into prison where he converted to Islam and got back into training so that upon his release, he could turn professional and become a champion. But after losing his first fight, Hopkins took a year and a half off and then tallied up a 22 win streak which lead to his first title fight against Roy Jones, both of whom were fighting for the vacant middleweight title in 1993.
Since these two men are considered the best of their era, it should come as no shock to you that the fight was boring as all hell. They barely made contact with each other and it almost made you wonder how anyone could say, "Wow, I'd like to see those two have a rematch!"
From there they went separate paths. Jones moved up in weight and began a long dominance in the light-heavyweight division. Hopkins stayed at middleweight where he quickly won title after title until finally reaching super stardom when in late 2001, he knocked out (and destroyed the career of) Felix Trinidad to become the first undisputed middleweight champion since Marvin Hagler. Jones in the mean time had beaten everyone who had come before him and even avenged a DQ loss by a 1 round knockout.
While both were dominant, Jones was the flashier of the two. He had faster hands, better athleticism and the ability to knock you out with his hands behind his back (Seriously, he did that once). He was a major force for HBO Boxing and got so popular (or arrogant) that he wrote a rap song that was simply a love letter to himself about how great he was. Along the way he also kept dropping hints that he was going to move up to heavyweight and fight Evander Holyfield and while this was back in 1997, don't be too surprised if that fight somehow ends up happening next year.
Boxing fans in regards to Roy Jones Jr's constant talk of moving up to heavyweight
So in 2003, Jones vacated his undisputed light-heavyweight title and moved up to face perhaps one of the worst heavyweights in recent memory, John Ruiz for the meaningless WBA title. Never mind that Lennox Lewis was seen as the king of the heavyweights, having beaten every opponent either the first time or in a rematch and had just come off of spanking Mike Tyson. No, instead Jones picked John Ruiz and promptly won a small chunk of the heavyweight championship. It was his last moment of greatness.
After unsuccessful attempts to lure Holyfield or Tyson into the ring with him (But not Lewis), Jones moved back down to light-heavyweight where he fought Antonio Tarver. Jones seemed sluggish in the fight and perhaps losing all that muscle he put on for the Ruiz fight affected him. Many thought that Jones didn't deserve the decision over Tarver so they had a rematch. Jones was knocked out in the second round.
Deciding that a tuneup was in order, Jones decided to fight recent journeyman turned IBF light-heavyweight champion, Glen Johnson who sported a record of 40-9-2. This time Jones was knocked out in the ninth round. He then lost a decision to Tarver. After winning some meaningless fights that no one watched, Jones came back against another faded star, Felix Trinidad.
Believe it or not, Trinidad was actually more shot than Jones despite being knocked out only once in his career and getting out jabbed in his previous fight. And while it was entertaining, it gave a lot of fans the impression that the old Roy Jones was back and going to rule the light-heavyweight division. Then came his fight against undefeated champ Joe Calzaghe.
Do I really need to explain that Jones lost the Calzaghe fight?
Once again back to fighting nobodies in nowhere, Jones was given a chance to reclaim the spotlight by fighting old rival Bernard Hopkins who had just come off his best victory against Kelly Pavlik. Knowing that Hopkins was still dangerous despite being older, Jones decided he would go to Australia and have a tuneup fight against Danny Green. It was perhaps the worst decision of his career because he was knocked out in one round as well as his plans of a rematch with Hopkins.
Speaking of Bernard, as I mentioned he stayed at middleweight and became the undisputed champion and reached superstar status the same year Jones lost his when in 2004, he knocked out the biggest name in the sport, Oscar de la Hoya. However the following year he lost his titles and a rematch to Jermain Taylor. With talk of retirement in the air, Hopkins decided to move up in weight and challnege Antonio Tarver for the light-heavyweight title and promptly beat the shit out of Tarver.
Deciding that he was still good in his 40's as he was in his 30's, Hopkins fought Winky Wright and beat him and then came up against Joe Calzaghe who had moved up from super-middleweight. Now when I first saw them fight, I was excited, especially when Hopkins dropped him in the first round. But from there it was the following: *Punch; clinch; punch; clinch*
Normally fighters hug each other AFTER the fight, not during...
It really annoyed me because that was the first time my dad had sat down and watched an actual fight with me from start to finish in an attempt to find out why I was so in love with the sport. And while this did leave a sour taste in his mouth, highlights of Pacquiao/Marquez II quickly erased any bad memories he had.
Hopkins lost, a decision I agreed with but lately I've been thinking of going back and scoring it again. Anyway, at that point I though Hopkins was shot and was annoyed that he was going to be fighting middleweight champion Kelly Pavlik at a catchweight of 170 pounds. My prediction was that Hopkins was going to be too slow and by the 6th round, the hard hitting Pavlik would have Hopkins down and out.
Well it turns out that just the opposite happened and Pavlik was given a 12 round, one sided beating of a lifetime and in one bout Hopkins erased the doubt that might have been raised in the fights with Taylor and Calzaghe. And at the point, after this great victory, I thought Hopkins should have retired.
But no. He's still got a hardon for fighting Roy Jones and beating the shit out of him. And even though Jones lost his tuneup fight while Hopkins won his, this fight is still happening? Why? What will it prove? The fight should have happened nine years ago when they were still good at what they did.
If anything, this makes Hopkins look kind of petty. He still wants to fight a guy who has lost five of his last ten fights, four of those losses coming by knockout. Hopkins can't really win in this fight anyway. By that I mean, he can't do anything to Jones that can't be done before.
He can't frustrate Jones to where he'll make an illegal move and be disqualified, Griffin did that. He can't knock him out in the first 3 rounds, Tarver did that. He also beat him over 12 rounds. He can't dominate Jones when he was expected to lose and knock him out. Johnson did that. He won't pick himself up off the canvas to come back and spank Jones silly. Calzaghe did that. I bet that Hopkins was hoping to knock Roy out in the first round and really shock everyone but then Danny Green had to go and fuck that up for him. So you understand, whatever Hopkins does to Roy Jones, it's already been done. But I don't think he'll knock him out. He couldn't knock out Pavlik or What's His Face in his last tuneup.
So will I watch this fight? Still not sure but if I do I'm not going to throw out fifty bucks like the promoters are expecting us to. I'll find some illegal streaming site and watch it for free. How else do you think I watched Pavlik/Hopkins?
It's a meaningless fight that HBO PPV is going to force down our throats to make us think like it's the Rumble in the Jungle while at the same time, fighters who are younger, hungrier and more deserving of a big fight are pushed into the side while two old men fight to see who, at the end of the day, can say has a bigger cock.
You'd honestly rather read 'Prince of Tennis' than this?
Two weeks ago I wrote about a character who had been around for 30 years and how his legend of suck has evolved into some strange sort of hero worship for nerds.
Today, I'll talk about something that as of this writing has reached it's 20th anniversary of publication and while it may be having it's own moments of suckage right now (Don't get too excited, Fett-boys, your hero will always be #1) it is still a great read and perhaps one of the most underrated mangas ever written.
Back in 2005, I was participating in an online discussion related to the (then) upcoming movie Rocky Balboa. At the time, I was shaking my head at the thought of Stallone getting back into the ring and slurring his way through another fight and was looking for another source of boxing related fiction. That was when someone asked me if I had ever read or watched Hajime no Ippo. Since I had not and was always eager to give something boxing related a look, I decided it was best to check it out.
First, let me just say that Hajime no Ippo(Fighting Spirit as it was called in the North American dub) is terribly cliched. You have your standard weakling main character who decides to become a professional boxer, the wise old sage/coach with a Gordon Ramsay like temper, the rival/friend who is perfect in every way yet a polar opposite to the main character (A common character in anime), and a strong, undefeated older champion boxer who is so macho and such a heterosexual that he's almost borderline gay. I'm not joking earlier, Takamura may be one of the most likable sexual predators since Roman Polanski.
However despite all the cliches, this is the only manga I'll read and it's one of the best things I've ever read.
To sum it up, Ippo is a timid high school student who helps run a fishing boat business with his mom and generally gets the crap beaten out of him by the bullies at school. During one of Ippo's many beatings, an up and coming middleweight boxer, Takamura, steps in and saves Ippo. After seeing how cool Takamura is at taking buttons from people (Yeah, apparently boxers can take all the buttons off your shirt while keeping their hands in their pockets) and watching a bunch of Mike Tyson videos Ippo decides that he wants to box professionally too.
Surprisingly, Takamura is a bit pissed off about this because he thinks Ippo is taking the sport very lightly. With tears in his eyes, Ippo asks, "Takamura, what does it mean to be strong?" From there Ippo meets his rival, Miyata and the series is ultimately building up to a super huge mega big time ultra super smash hit gigantic hella mega fight between the two.
Twenty years later, that answer still eludes our hero even though in the manga he's only aged maybe six or seven years.
This is an anime geared towards men and has testosterone dripping from almost every page. If the characters aren't fighting, they're preparing for a match and if they're not doing that then Takamura is making a joke about (and thereby grabbing) Ippo's penis.
Seriously, this series has more dick jokes than a Kevin Smith film festival. And you'd be surprised the number of time that someone makes reference to Ippo'smassize Schweitzer-like dick. It almost becomes a plot point. What's even stranger is that sometimes Ippo acts like he wants to use his Schweitzer-schlong on Miyata than Kumi, the girl everybody keeps trying to get him to date.
Why are you picturing Miyata shirtless? GIRLS, Ippo! Boys kiss GIRLS!!!
I've watched the first anime series which ran from 2000 until 2002 which was a few years before I got interested in boxing. It took me a long time until I found the English dub for it since reading subtitles can be a bit annoying. However that quickly changed when I noticed how atrociously ass the dub is. The voice actors sound all wrong, and the dialogue is totally changed around to the point where it's almost geared to kids aged 10-12. If you're going to take an anime where at one point Takamura looks in awe at the size of the crap he takes and try to gear it towards pre-teens then you're heading toward BobaFett levels of pathetic.
Takamura does not like any comparisons to BobaFett
What also sucks about the anime series is that there is no mention at all of Mike Tyson. In the manga, Ippo watches a Tyson highlight video and that starts his boxing adventure. Here, he just watches some unknowns and it's lame. Granted, Tyson had just lost the title by the time this manga was published but still, there are lots of similarities between his and Ippo's style of fighting which would have been great for the anime.
However, when the show ended in 2002, the series had barely scratched the surface of Hajime no Ippo. Yes he had won the Japanese Featherweight Title but there were so many great fights and great storylines that had yet to be told on the small screen. However, I knew that the manga was far from over and I could continue to read a new chapter every week.
So you can imagine my shock when a new series, Hajime no Ippo: New Challenger premiered in January of last year. The original Japanese voice actors were all back (aside from a few minor characters) and it had the look and feel of the original series, picking up right where it left off in 2002. And it started out promptly with Takamura grabbing Ippo's massive dick while in the shower.
Uh...did someone put their hentai pics on my blog?
However, all good things don't last forever (I'm talking about New Challenger, not Ippo's free handjob) and the series ended after just 26 episodes. It's not cancelled because it has been revealed that there will be a third season. That's great and all but why do we have to wait so long?
Which brings me to the manga. It's great as I've said but at the same time, it's starting to get a little frustrating. Ippo is at this point, still Japanese champion and ranked by the WBC (World Boxing Commission) yet in almost every fight lately he seems to be getting the shit beat out of him when he shouldn't be. I mentioned earlier how his fighting style is similar to Mike Tyson's but at the moment he seems to be getting spanked just like Tyson did against Lennox Lewis. And the thing is, Tyson had incredible defense in his peak and would hit you twelve times for every shot you missed. However Ippo's defense seems to resemble the late Arturo Gatti, who would block every right hook with left side of his face.
And this is the second fight in a row that this has happened. The one before that was so bad that I think I've actually blocked it from my memory. It also doesn't help that the fights are longer than they were in the beginning of the series.
Mike Tyson gives foreshadowing to the next chapter of 'Hajime no Ippo'.
Hopefully the series does get better and I think the more we get away from Ippo's fights, the better it will get. But if you ever want a good read, Hajime no Ippo is something you should check out. Just don't expect to get it all done in one day. You're going to need a couple of really free weekends to get through this.
I've been a Star Wars fan since I was a little kid and even though my opinion of the prequel series isn't as favourable as it is towards the original movies, I still like to catch them on TV every once in a while.
However, one thing in all my years as a fan has constantly puzzled me: BobaFett.
I get it, he's supposed to be the best bounty hunter in the galaxy but in all honesty, he just sucks.
I know that this is going to piss some die hard Star Wars fans off but I'm sorry; this guy just sucks.
Let's go over the few scenes we see him in from the first 3 movies (I'm talking about Episodes IV-VI, not the prequels)
Episode IV-A New Hope: Technically he didn't appear in the original Star Wars however in the 1997 remastered release, you can clearly see that he is there in the meeting between Jabba and Han Solo (A scene best left on the cutting room floor). He stands there, does nothing, says nothing, walks off.
And the legend begins!
Episode V-The Empire Strikes Back: In his first scene at the gathering of bounty hunters to find the Millennium Falcon, we see that Vader has to remind Fett in particular, "No disintegrations."
And when he says that he's pointing a finger at him like he's saying, "Stop killing the people you're being paid to capture!"
He's a bounty and he needs to be reminded, "Don't kill the people I'm paying you to capture and hand over to me so I can get information out of them."
We then see that he later easily finds the Millennium Falcon (Yeah, how did his ship get in that garbage pile anyway? Did he just go up to the Star Destroyer captain and say, "Could you put my ship in the garbage?")
And instead of attacking the Millennium Falcon and using a tractor beam to take it back to the Empire, the stuff an educated bounty hunter would do, he just decides to follow them.
Never saw Dog do that.
He later shows up when our heroes discover (Cue Admiral Ackbar) IT'S A TRAP!!! Fett bursts onto the scene by flying out on his jetpack, blasts Chewie a couple dozen times, beats the shit out of Han and breaks Leia's legs-oh wait, no he doesn't. He just comes from behind a corner and stands there after Vader does cool stuff like catching blaster bolts with his hand.
So far, all we've seen him do is either walk, be stationary, get reminded how to do his job only to not do it when he has a great opportunity, and then stand there some more.
Again, why is he popular?
So later we see that when Han's being tortured BobaFett reveals, "He (Solo) is no good to me dead", showing that he learned something from the words of Darth Vader. And from that point he just follows Vader to the elevator.
DO SOMETHING!!! YOU HAVE A GOD-DAMN JETPACK AND A BIG ASS BLASTER. SHOOT ONE OF THOSE MIDGETS RUNNING AROUND THE CARBONITE ROOM!!!!
Ahem.
So later when Han is being frozen in carbonite, Fett again is bitching about the health of capture. Again, all those short aliens around and he's not even going to kick one? Yeah, best bounty hunter in the galaxy my ass.
From there, Fett starts to take Solo to his ship when all of a sudden Luke Skywalker starts sneaking up. Just when Luke's about to get close, Fett appears from around a corner and starts shooting at him.
Fuck yeah. Here we go. Took a while to get started, but now we're gonna see some cool lightsaber vs blaster action where Fett holds his own and leads Luke into the trap set by Vader. Awesome!
Oh wait, that didn't happen either. Instead he just shoots a couple times and...runs away a bitch.
Deciding that shooting a couple of times is enough action for him in this movie, Fett decides to depart with the famous line of, "Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold."
And then he flies off where he'll probably continue to do nothing off screen.
Episode VI-Return of the Jedi: OK, last movie. I can do this. I can do this.
We're in Jabba's palace. It's quite the gathering of other species and Fett just decides to stand in the corner. Cause that's what badasses do.
However if you want to go by what happens in the Special Edition, during that shitty overextended scene of the alien band doing their song (What was so bad with the original?), let's do that too. For a brief second we see Fett doing what he does best.
Walking.
Then standing in a corner.
Please explain to me why he's so popular again?
So later Leia shows up disguised as a bounty hunter. A good one since she "captured" Chewbacca and actually has him as her prisoner. You know what, stunt or not, she's shown more effort than Fett. Fett needed the Empire to help capture Solo and the others. Leia's bounty hunter character did it on her own.
Leia: 1
Fett: -1 (Yeah, you go into the negatives, that's how much you suck)
In the special edition there's also a scene where Fett briefly flirts with a dancer by cupping her chin, pulling off his greatest feat ever by impersonating a heterosexual.
So when Leia pretends to be upset about what she'll be paid for Chewie, she threatens to blow them all up with a thermal detonator.
OK, that's cool. Leia's bounty hunter is sending a clear message: "Give me what I want or I'll kill us all. I don't give a fuck."
That's cool. Take notes, Boba.
So yeah, Fett pulls out his gun (Why not just shoot her if you're so cool?) and then puts it away when Jabba and Leia come to an agreement on the price.
Fett then nods to Leia because he knows that in her (and everyone else's eyes), he is a pussy.
Later Fett decides to stick close to Jabba when Luke arrives. Very protective of a fat, ugly slug, aren't you Boba? But in all fairness, it's still a lot of nothing he's doing.
So when Luke uses the Force to get a gun in his hand, Fett does the only logical thing and shoots Luke in the face. Skywalker's corpse is fed to the Rancor and Fett takes Princess Leia and her skimpy bikini back to his bedroom where they have hot monkey sex for 1000 years.
Oh wait, that doesn't happen either. (Why do I keep doing that?) Instead Fett continues to stand there.
DO SOMETHING!!!!
Hey, I think my wish has been granted. It's the Sarlaac scene and Luke has turned the tables on Jabba, turning their execution into a daring escape. Well, BobaFett won't stand for that. He takes off on his jetpack ("Finally, an opportunity to use this!") and lands right in front of Luke so he can get his blaster chopped in half before he even has a chance to fire and it knocks him down.
Excuse me, I need Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation to express how I feel about what just happened.
It may be a facepalm, but it's cooler than anything BobaFett ever did
First off, why not use that jetpack to fly around and blast the fuck out of Skywalker and pals at the same time? Doesn't he know that a moving target is harder to hit (or chop in Luke's case) than a stationary one (ie. One that lands two feet in front of you!)
So since he can't shoot Luke, Fett declares, "You are fit to be tied up! Because everyone knows that a lightsaber can't cut through rope!"
It does and it knocks down Fett again-much harder than last time.
Captain, your assistance, please?
Thank you.
So after looking like a complete douche twice in ten seconds, BobaFett decides to try and shoot Luke with something he's got on his wrist. You know, that probably would have worked better than the rope, idiot!
However his plans are thwarted when a blind guy sets off his jetpack by accident, sending him into the sail barge and into the mouth of the Sarlaac.
Yeah, the best bounty hunter in the galaxy got taken out by a blind guy...on accident.
And for some reason that final act of being a pussy solidified his legacy among Star Wars fans as one of the greatest characters ever. However not even the Sarlaac could keep Fett out of the Star Wars universe since he's been resurrected in paperback form.
Have not read any of those books and I don't plan on it.
BobaFett is overrated. The only reason people can have for liking him is because his Mandalorian armour looks cool and it does. That's it. He's a pussy, the worst bounty hunter in the galaxy and rivals Jar-Jar in terms of uselessness.
As part of my weekly tradition I've decided to cap off a long and tedious work week with some BK. Granted too much Burger King is what caused Toney to balloon from a middleweight (160 pounds) to the heavyweight division where his weight usually tips 220 but I don't think I need to worry about that happening to me
It is 3:46AM and I can't sleep. At all. In fact I don't even think I'm tired which is pretty sad.
During my work week, I don't get a lot of sleep even when I know I should. I can't help it but I just can't seem to fall asleep or sometimes I will fall asleep only to be awoken by a dream about work. There are moments where I'm laying in bed, thinking that I'm at my till with an irate customer in front of me and my computer is crashing. Part of me knows that this is just my subconscious fucking around with me and the other half is doing my best to regain control of the situtation I'm dreaming about. And at some point I'll realize it's all real and then I'll say something in the dream that I end up saying outloud in my sleep. It's something I do every so often. Getting back to my sleep. Whenever I start my two days off (My weekend, so to speak) I sleep in. I'll set my alarm but I'll ignore it and continue my peaceful slumber to the point where it's almost noon when I wake up. Some people might say, "What a waste of half a day" but it's mine to waste.
So after waking up past noon today, I find myself tossing and turning and I don't think any remedy is going to cure me of my small bout of insomnia. I suppose I could go and do a shift at Flying J but the only way I'm going there on my day off is if...actually I can't think of a good reason.
I went to the gym for the first time in months yesterday. As feared, I'm out of shape. The routine I did back in Ontario kept me in the best shape I could ever hope to be but now I can barely do that without feeling ill. The ten minute run I started with also didn't go too well which is sad considering I used to run over 3K every night in the summer.
Aaron and I briefly discussed the possibilities of working out again like old times however that might be difficult given our schedules but I'm hoping that it'll work out. He hasn't worked out in forever so I might take pity on him and let him borrow my gym card so he can squeeze in a workout or two.
My landlords are great people. Since moving in at the begging of December, they've been really accommodating and I used to have dinner with them every night when I didn't work in the evening. Since I had today off this meant that I had the rare opportunity to sit down and eat dinner with them and watch Judge Judy at the same time (Seems to be commonplace in Calgary; every meal must be consumed with at least one half hour of Judge Judy). I made it very clear from the beginning that whatever they made, I would eat and if I wanted to get something of my own they had no problem with that.
I don't like sausage and even though that was all there was, I still took the opportunity to sit down and watch as Her Honour listened to the case about some bimbo owing money to her ex-boyfriend. Meanwhile my landlords (Whom I shall refer to as M'Lord and M'Lady) were talking about M'Lady's workout at the gym as the kids sat in their highchairs and watched their Baby Einstein DVDs.
Apparently there was some confusion as to whether M'Lady was in the sauna or not the whole time she was at the gym and I don't know why that was so confusing to M'Lord. You go to a gym to use the equipment and work up a sweat. You go in the sauna after the workout. I've never known anyone besides myself who would go to a gym and not use the equipment at all. OK, granted I did it one time after a hard boxing workout but that was because the shower they had at the time was probably going to make me dirtier.
So we started focusing on the case before us. It seems the bimbo was being blackmailed by her boyfriend who recorded them having sex and was apparently going to put it on Youtube.
"You can't put a sex tape on Youtube," I observed as I took a bite of the sausage (Already this sounds dirty and perverted). "I mean, Xtube, sure, but not on Youtube."
For any ladies reading this who don't know (Or simply can't tell just by the name) Xtube is a free porno site where anyone can upload whatever they want. Look for some of my self portraits when you get the chance.
"Or Youporn," said M'Lady. "[M'Lord] watches Youporn all the time, don't you [M'Lord]?"
I stayed quiet since her tone was pretty harsh. I just watched Judy and continued to eat my saus-...dinner.
But M'Lady kept going on about the porn. I almost wanted to ask if this was appropriate dinner conversation but at the same time I was lowering my head showing my uncomfortableness and doing my best to hold back laughter.
"This is why I don't have a girlfriend," I said, trying to break the ice.
However M'Lady was going to be as frigid as ever over this. "Oh, but M'Lord has a wife and yet he still has to look at porn. That's how macho he is."
I tried to ease the tension by telling M'Lady how the two maintenance guys at work yesterday were taking a brief look at porn on a guy's Blackberry the other day when they were supposed to be actually working. I was on my break and I also just took a brief peek.
"Are any of them married?" asked M'Lady.
"No," but it has just dawned on me as of this writing that one of them is in fact married. Good thing I didn't share that fact.
Either M'Lady is incredibly naive or has no idea how the male mind works but surprise, surprise, men watch porn. It's a fact of life. Married, single, in a relationship-we all do it. It's like farting. It is not glamorous but we do it anyway.
M'Lord remained more calm than I might have imagined in a situation like this but at the same time he wanted to know why M'Lady was being so snarly.
I decided not to wait for a reply and just retreated back to the basement.
Ladies, men watch porn. If you actually believe the bullshit of, "I'm just reading the articles," then (with all respect) you're kinda dumb. We like boobies and we also like variety. Porn offers us both.
Also, why is it that whenever I eat sausage something bad follows? Last time we had sausage, the ginger baby threw up which made me sick two days later and now I can't eat dinner with a straight face and I'm afraid that it might make me throw up again.
Looks like it was cold when they took this picture
"Hi. My name is Kara DioGuardi and even I haven't heard of me.
"Stop having nightmares about me; I've never met you, you DONKEY!" 
You'd honestly rather read 'Prince of Tennis' than this?
