Be a NINJA!!!!!

I was at the gym recently and as I was leaving I saw a flyers on the desk that I had overlooked before. Always looking for new reading material, I picked it up and saw the following explanation in the top right corner:

Ninjutsu: Ninjutsu was developed as a collection of fundamental survivalist techniques in the warring states of feudal Japan.

My first immediate thought was, "Ninjas live in Calgary?" and wondering if this was foreshadowing to me entering a time vortex and getting sucked back in feudal Japan so that I could keep the entire cast of The Last Samurai from crying at the end of the movie.

"Oh, hai."

Some of you may think I'm going to start knocking martial arts but the truth is I'm not. I have great respect for it considering that Bruce Lee is one of my idols. But I'm just taking a look at the flyer and examining what else it explains about this course.
Well, it seems that before you can get to Ninjutsu, you first must conquer the five levels of Taijutsu.

Well, wait a minute, isn't that the biggest tease ever. You lure people in by telling that you're going to train them to be a ninja...only after they've mastered another form of fighting. OK, let's examine the five levels.

A moment most Chuck Norris fans would like to forget

Level 1: Earth-This is where you learn the foundation of your training with physical exercise, basic punches and kicks, rolling, and dodging

Why would you roll if you can dodge? For that matter, when have you ever seen anyone actually roll on the ground when fighting...aside from those near-homoerotic moments in UFC. The only time I can recall someone rolling in a fight was Bruce Lee and that was when he had a whole Japanese dojo charging at him before he bitch-slapped them with his nunchuks.

Level 2: Water-In water, you learn to be flexible, to "go with the flow", soft strikes, leadership and basic grappling

You know, you could have just used (again) Bruce Lee's famously quoted, "Be water, my friend" speech. Would have been so much cooler


Level 3: Fire-Fire is all about independence; where you start to take what you have learned and make it fit your body type. Fast and explosive is the training method for this level and to learn the meaning of full commitment

That's fire? OK, you better hope a lot of people who sign up aren't people who have seen Naruto otherwise you're going to have some pissed off anime nerds on your hands.

Maybe he's a dragon and not a ninja...

Level 4: Wind-Getting into distance fighting, and reading body language, to learn how to anticipate the next move, and how to talk your way out of a situation with the confidence to back it up

Bruce Lee wouldn't have walked away...I'm just sayin'...

Level 5: Void-Void is where it all starts to come together. Combining all 4 levels and learning the history of the system, to prepare you for your Black Belt.

Void? Sorry, just seems like kind of an empty title (Ha...ha). Especially if it's the level where you bring everything together

Hey, hold on a second! Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Void...sounds kinda familiar. You know what, if you substituted "Heart" for "Void", that sounds like something out of a bad Ted Turner environmental cartoon show.

Now this class makes sense to me. You learn these five stages and combine them to make you start your path to being a ninja. So let's just call the fifth level Heart because to me that makes more sense. So, Earth, Water, Fire, Wind and Heart.
When the five Levels combine, they summon Earth's greatest champion:
NINJA CAPTAIN PLANET!!!

All kidding aside, the course does sound interesting and if I wasn't so lazy at times, had reliable transportation and wasn't such a boxing fanatic that commitment to any other sports seems like heresy. Besides, I think just learning the five levels of taijutsu would be enough. I mean, in freakin' Calgary, do you think we have a need for ninjas?

Also, if I'm in a fight, do you think your opponent is going to give you time to remember what pocket you left your shuriken in?

"Hi, I'm Naruto, and I have the most unrealistic outfit related to my profession since April O'Neil. Believe it!!!

Her Misery Equals My Satisfaction

Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan was known for having a movie career and not for wild drinking binges and dating a bull-dyke DJ for a while. It's too bad because Lohan did had potential. Mean Girls was a good movie but other than that, what good or even barely watchable movie has Lindsay Lohan made in the past six years?

Get it? The movie is called "Herbie: FULLY LOADED" and she's an alcoholic. This stuff just writes itself sometimes

It pissed me off that a star with such potential was blowing it all away with drugs and DUIs considering how around that time nothing would have made me happier than to be an actor in Hollywood. But since that never happened for me, I have to settle for the next best thing which is mocking the ones who were lucky enough to make it big only to fuck it up with their own stupidity.

So yeah, after Mean Girls and a few gigs hosting SNL it suddenly seemed that the only reason she was making headlines was because people wanted to know if she was possibly going to rehab or going to go down on Wilmer Valderamma.

"Hi, has anyone seen my career? I lost it ever since That 70's Show went off the air."

And it just went downhill from there. She wasn't making any good movies, her own family was saying that she was out of control (That's like the Manson family saying that Squeaky might be losing it) and that she was just going through a phase with her new girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Her partying was holding up production of her films and at one point a pissed off studio executive publicly released a letter to Lohan where he criticized her work ethic and flat out stated that everyone knows that her so-called "exhaustion" was because she had been up the previous night drinking.

So beyond that, various stints in rehab followed by being busted for driving drunk and possession of cocaine it made me and a few other people scratch our heads and say, "Why the fuck are you famous?" It seemed that Lohan wanted to have a career similar to Robert Downey Jr...except the Robert Downey Jr from 10 years ago, not the one who made a remarkable comeback which totally made us forget about his sordid past.

Lohan later insisted she was doing research for her next movie which would be titled "The Lindsay Lohan Story".

As I mentioned before, her behaviour pissed me off because I wished that I was in the position that she was in. Just to make it clear, I'm referring to her having a career in Hollywood, not having a record for projectile vomit...which is also her career in Hollywood. Anyway, where it used to make me mad, it makes me laugh and cheer whenever I hear that this dumb bitch has gotten herself waist deep in shit.

Addicts piss me off. That's not to say that I don't have sympathy for them because if you're willing to get better and put in an honest to god effort, then I applaud you and hope that your life gets better with each passing day. But those like Lohan who constantly appear in court, beg for one more chance and say how they want to get their life back on track only to go back to the clubs after their get out of court, fuck 'em.

So, Lindsay, being the dummy that she is, decided that she would go to the Cannes Film Festival just a few days before a very important court appearance which could affect her freedom. Naturally, Lindsay is an idiot and somehow "lost" her passport. My theory on what happened to it? She got so drunk and high on a mixture of cocaine and Mr. Clean that she ate it. I've heard that Mr. Clean gives you the munchies.

Hey, aren't you the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation?

So Lindsay came back home, got scolded by a judge who had to put her vacation on hold to sentence Lindsay's dumb bleach-blond ass and told to wear a bracelet that would monitor whether she was drinking or getting high as well as go to alcohol counselling.

Naturally it should come to no surprise that Lohan's bracelet went off one night while she was at a bar. But, gasp!, Lindsay claims that it went off only because alcohol was spilt on the device. Well, I'm sure that after downing enough shots that would put my younger sister in the hospital, Lindsay was bound to lose her balance a bit and spill some on herself.

But today has to be the crown jewel in her career. Facing the same judge she pissed off from before by fucking up her vacation, Lindsay was sentenced to 90 days in jail. And the funny thing is, it was for missing her alcohol counselling. I mean, come on, Lindsay, you couldn't just fake it through the counselling and try your hardest to stay awake during the sessions?

I think I've watched that video more than five times by now. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I love more than to see someone get what's coming to them. But I have no idea why she's crying? Prison's not so bad for a girl like her, hasn't she ever watched an episode of OZ? You can get drugs easily and find other lesbians to party with. Wipe your tears, this is a vacation for you.

"Does prison have an open bar?"

Personally, I think if she serves the 90 days, she might come out a better person. I was one of the many lobbying for capital punishment against Paris Hilton but it seems that after her stint in the slammer she seemed to have straightened out her act. But if I were a betting man, I'd say Lindsay tries to hang herself in her cell after realizing that after jail, she'll be expected to go to rehab.

Seriously...What the hell are you thinking?

I was a bit shocked a few days ago when it was announced that longtime CNN talk-show host Larry King would be retiring in the fall. It was something that I never thought he would do considering that Morley Safer and the rest of the gang on 60 Minutes are still going strong despite their combined ages being greater than that of this universe.


But I'm not one to dictate the life of Larry King so I decided to sit down one night after work and watch him discuss his impending retirement with Bill Maher. They were talking about who would replace him and Larry then said one of the most horrifying things I've ever heard come out of the mouth of a Jew (Though my Opa could probably think of worse):
"If he was interested in politics, I'd recommend Ryan Seacrest to replace me."


If this is news to you then you're probably wondering where that slapping sound came from. Well, that ladies and gentlemen, was you. You just did a facepalm at how god damn stupid Larry King could be for wanting Ryan Seacrest to replace him.


Think about it. Larry King, one of the most respected interviewers of the last 25 years or so, a man who has interviewed anyone worth interviewing from people like Mike Tyson (Fresh out of prison, I might add), presidential candidates and even though it hasn't happened, I'm sure Jesus Christ himself would stop by the set to sit down and answer interesting questions like:


1) Did you ever get over the whole, "Mary Magadalene was a prostitute" thing?


2) Do you ever think about having kids of your own?


3) Have you spoken to Judas over the centuries, tried to patch things up?


4) Does it bother you that I don't believe in you?


5) Aren't you supposed to be white?


Anyway, back to what I was saying, you're going to have Larry King replaced by the guy who hosts American Idol? Come on, Ryan Seacrest isn't a journalist. He's a DJ. Besides, they already gave him a TV show back in 2004. What, you don't remember On Air with Ryan Seacrest? Of course you don't because nobody watched it, hence why it was cancelled less than a year into it's run.


I don't know why I'm getting so upset by this since Larry admitted that Seacrest doesn't have any interest in politics and therefore probably wouldn't fit into the role very well. But just the thought of it. It's bad enough that real journalism is dead in this world but when you replace an icon like Larry King with Ryan Seacrest, it makes me want to quit this world.

In all honesty, why not have me replace you Larry? I'm sure I'd look good in suspenders, I do enjoy American politics, I have a direct style that cuts through the bullshit and I promise I won't ask Jerry Seinfeld really stupid questions like, "Your show didn't get cancelled did it?"

What the Hell Happened to You?

As usual, after writing my last blog post I got incredibly lazy and decided that my genius at poking fun at Gary Coleman's untimely death would hold me over for at least another six months, give or take the odd poop joke I might make out of desperation and writer's block.

However then my older yet less conceited sister got some exclusive blogging gig for a think tank and is now receiving gifts of frankincense and myrrh in praise when what she should be getting is a double facepalm for attending such a farce. One of the speakers it turns out is a transgendered porn star who doesn't have a penis-figure that one out.
Wait, people paid $4000 to sit in on this?

"Palms up, Number One."

To make matters worse, my own father managed to have his recent letter to the editor of the local paper published and also had it declared "Letter of the Day". I know I have to step up my game when a man in his fifties who has shouting arguments with the television is outdoing me.

It's sad when a great talent like myself happens to let vanity and ego get to his head and believes that anything will be golden simply because I am me. But luckily I'm not the first person this has happened to and I've realized the error of my ways so that unlike the people on this list, you won't look at and say, "Wow, you used to do great stuff...what the hell happened to you?"

My father makes the same face whenever he makes a mistake playing Jeopardy at home


1) Robin Williams-Ah, Mork, what the hell happened to you? Your improvisation skills were second to none, you could make anyone laugh by doing the simplest things, even more impressive was the episode of Happy Days where you convinced the world that someone could go on a date with Penny Marshall without downing twelve shots of vodka beforehand (Though maybe that scene was left on the cutting room floor....INVESTIGATE!!!).
To make a good thing better, you were equally as talented when you were doing non-comedies. I loved Dead Poet's Society in high school, Insomnia is really underrated in my opinion and One Hour Photo was eerie on an Anthony Perkins level. And of course, you won an Academy Award for Good Will Hunting.

So what the hell happened? You keep churning out crap like the rectum of a man who survives on a diet of laxatives. License to Wed, what the hell were you thinking? Didn't it bother you that your character (A priest) had this little kid following you around wherever you went, which included the back of a van late at night?

Really, Robin, I thought you knew better. But from What Dreams May Come to Death to Smoochy to Old Dogs, you should sit down, watch the last couple of movies you've made, count the number of times you laugh and if you have more fingers than laughs, fire your agent.

Don't feel too bad, Robin. The guy on your right has been on a much worse streak than yours...which leads us to...

2) John Travolta-I'm getting sick and tired of all these idiots who claim that Pulp Fiction somehow "saved John Travolta's career". No...not at all. Before Pulp Fiction, Travolta's career was like a man who had a gun in his mouth ready to pull the trigger. But then Pulp Fiction comes around...which to some people is akin to a man with a gun in his mouth removing said gun.

But the truth is Pulp Fiction was the equivalent to a man who has a gun in his mouth, pulls the trigger but somehow ends up surviving so that they end up demented, deformed, barely recognizable but still alive through the grace of God or whatever deity you believe in.
That's Travolta's post-Fiction career.

His face=Travolta's movie career

I don't think I can make it any clearer than that. Battlefield Earth, Domestic Disturbance and Be Cool make it painfully clear that you Be Stupid with the decisions towards your career. Why not just be a pilot for the rest of your life? You'll have a dog who can sniff out bombs for you instead of making them into movies.

3) Steve Martin-Ah, another master of comedy now reduced to making crap, calling it a rose and then defending it for some unexplained reason. Seriously, what the hell is with these so-called "comedians" who produce such trash that they wouldn't touch when their career was in it's prime? I mean, come on, Steve, The Pink Panther remake was a mistake because you're not Peter Sellers and nobody watches a movie to listen to your shitty French accent try to pronounce words without said accent or to see Beyonce remind everyone that she can't act. But then do do a SEQUEL and defend it in public...I'm sorry but that exceeds the double facepalm from earlier.

Look, you do good work on SNL when the writer's aren't churning out crap themselves but you gotta stop with this Pink Panther crap. I mean, is that how you want to be remembered? I've been told that Father of the Bride is funny and maybe you should watch that to remind yourself of your potential and do something that is worth your time and not wasting mine.

"Regardez, je suis français et avoir un visage comme quelqu'un qui a poussé un balai dans mon cul! C'est la comédie!"

4) Ashton Kutcher-You know, this one doesn't bother me so much. I never found him to be very talented at all. Every movie he stars in is just him playing Kelso from That 70's Show to a different degree. The whole, I'm a douchebag idiot man-child with a heart of gold deal really got old quickly. Thankfully audiences wised up and you haven't really seen a whole lot of Kutcher lately.

That is unless you're one of his followers on Twitter. Yeah, Kutcher decided that he would be the first person to get over a million followers. Whoopie-fucking-doo. You got a million followers on Twitter so now they can save themselves the eight bucks and just read the stupid shit you say instead of watching it on a movie screen.

5) Jim Carrey-Like Robin Williams, your simplistic style of comedy could often be annoying in heavy doses but all in all, it was really enjoyable. And even when you toned it down to levels of The Truman Show, you showed that like Williams, you were capable of an Oscar winning performance...even if they didn't nominate you.

But again, back to making crap simply for...what reason? Are you people bored? Have you lost your passion for making people laugh or for just making good material? You just knew that How the Grinch Stole Christmas was going to be a big green pile of Grinch shit when you try to turn a ten minute story into a two hour movie.

Then comes more garbage like The Number 23 (That was oddly enough the same number of people who admitted to seeing that movie), Fun with Dick and Jane and Yes Man. The last movie of his I remember people really enjoying was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and that was when you toned it down, weren't chewing scenery for laughs and working with a good script, good filmmakers and equally good actors.

Although, to his credit, Carrey had the good sense not to appear in the cinematic abomination that was Son of the Mask, a film so bad that the torture from Marathon Man was probably more pleasant.

I wonder if he could solve my riddle about the Nutella...

6) Robert DeNiro-This one is really painful. It really, truly is painful for me to write. He's one of the best actors of all time, been in so many classic films and yet...he starred in Hide and Seek.

Bobby, you were in The Godfather II, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull (Much to Aaron's delight), Goodfellas...there is no reason why you should be making crap co-starring Dakota Fanning. Plus, who's gonna believe that you're a single father anymore? All the shoe polish on your head could fool Dakota but it can't fool me.

That and those goddamn Meet the Parents/Fockers movies. Holy shit, did I find those annoying really quick. Why not just call the movie, "Hey, Focker" cause that's basically all you say in the movie aside from the parts where you act like a total dick whom we're supposed to find likable...why?

And I'm sorry, the last time you hosted Saturday Night Live back in 2004 has to be one of the worst hosting jobs I've ever seen from a two-time Academy Award winner...or ANY host for that matter! It was like you thought that you would redefine comedy by not being funny at all...who knows, maybe you're not made for sketch comedy but fuck me was that painful!

Listen to me. Don't do any more action movies where you're a homicide detective. That last one you did with Pacino, no one cared about it because no one believes it and no one wants to see two great actors phoning it in for a paycheck.

"You talkin' to me...you said my movie sucked, you talkin' to me? Which movie? Godsend?....Yeah, that did suck.

I know that this was long-winded (Would you expect any less of me?) but I just want you to know that I'm going to try and update at least once a week from now on. And it'll be good stuff too, at least I think it'll be good. I suppose I better start planning what I'll rant about next week. Oh and by the way, the anniversary of my divine birth is this Friday. Please contact me if you wish to donate gifts or animal sacrifices

A Riddle

What is this?

A) A yummy delicious snack of Nutella
or
B) The result of what happens when there's no toilet paper in the house?

Gary Coleman Ruined My Birthday!!!

I have a birthday coming up later next month and one thing that has usually happened on or around my birthday is the random death of a celebrity. It's not like in the late Dennis Hopper's case where he's been near death for the past two months but rather a death that just sneaks up out of nowhere and makes you say, "No shit!"

Keep in mind this hasn't happened every year but still, in the past couple of years, on the anniversary of my near divine birth, someone has had to go. This adds to the theory that I am the Grim Reaper and just don't know it yet...

Anyway, let's look back and see who died a few years after I was born

The face of death?


1) Some soldiers in Korea (1950)-Yeah, believe it or not, 36 years before the legend of Schweitzer-Man began, the Korean War started and wouldn't end for another three years. Even worse was that this war wasn't as fun as the series M*A*S*H made it out to be. Another reason to hate Alan Alda.


2) Jacques Cousteau-I was 11 when he died. Didn't know anything about him other than the fact that I thought he was already dead and anything I heard about him was from an episode of Pinky and the Brain. He liked the water, reported to have had The Little Mermaid atop his list of favourite movies...moving on.

Even near the end of his life, Jacques Cousteau loved to play with his action figures


3) Chris Benoit and family (2007)-I used to watch wrestling from time to time but after a while there seemed to be more action backstage in the shitty story lines than in the wrestling ring. However one of my favourite wrestlers was Chris Benoit. He was Canadian, kicked ass and at the time seemed to be a good guy.


Naturally I was shocked as hell when it was reported that he and his family had been found "murdered" in their home. I was just about to start a midnight shift at 7-Eleven when I caught the news and was just floored. It wasn't until days later that we found out the awful truth about what really happened.



4) Farrah Fawcett (2009)- I never heard a lot about her when she was alive. Her prime was in the 70's; way before my time. She was one of those celebrities who was on her last leg for quite a while health wise so for us it was only a matter of time before this Charlie's Angel became a real one. To be honest, I don't really see what the appeal was. Yeah, she had a poster of her in a bathing suit. Has anyone looked at her face in that? She looks like she's high or about to turn into a bloodthirsty zombie. Her death, while tragic, was obscured by another death that happened that day

Looks like it was cold when they took this picture

5) Michael Jackson (2009)-OK, yeah, the guy had been a punchline for the past 10 years but he still had the fans out in masses for his never-to-be comeback tour. But then he had to go and die and then hold the 24-hour news media hostage with constant speculation on whether he was broke, had money, gay, straight, a pervert, black, white, murdered, faked death, going to do a comeback tour as a zombie, Latoya Jackson (Why did you never see them together...kinda like Clark Kent and Superman) etc etc.
Personally, while Thriller is a cool song, I just never got the music video at all and personally think that Smooth Criminal is a much better video.

"Now where can I find Zombie Macauly Culkin?"

Now you're probably wondering how the hell Gary Coleman managed to ruin my birthday. Well, the thing is, he happened to die almost a full month before my birthday. Gary Coleman would have been the perfect choice: He was obscure, going slightly crazy and it's probably going to get him more attention than any shitty episode of Diff'rent Strokes ever did...not that he's not getting that now.

I'm sorry if I sound rather cruel and inhumane but this totally screws up any anticipation I had towards my birthday. There's no way some other random celebrity death is going to occur between now and the 25th? I mean, granted, Todd Bridges could slip on a banana peel and break his neck. Hey, whatever happened to that kid who played Sam in the final seasons of the show?

Before becoming the world's greatest salesman, Billy Mays was famous for kidnapping and threatening untalented ginger actors.
Seriously, though, watch the episode "Sam's Kidnapping" on YouTube, that's some weird shit right there for a sitcom

Boring White Guy FTW!!! (AKA: The Death of American Idol)

Once upon a time, American Idol was something that was actually pretty interesting. Granted the only episodes I watched were the first few of the seasons where they separate the talented from the people who sound like they're gargling razor blades when they sing and I only watch those for a little confidence boost.

I don't know what he's thinking but I know it isn't healthy


However like the rest of the world in 2002, I watched as Kelly Clarkson became the first Idol winner and actually went on to sell albums, win awards and be recognised in public a year later. But it seemed that the more the show went on, the less popular the contestants would get once the season had ended. It was like the public was saying, "So happy you won. Bored now. Later." Plus, how often was it where the singer who came in second turned out being more popular than the winner?

"Hey, hey hey, I'm the guy who beat Clay...and are you gonna finish that cake?"


Plus, how repetitive did the shows get? They'd have a theme for the week, butcher some singer's landmark song, applause, Randy Jackson's play-it-safe critique, Paula Abdul slur about how she'd like to buy a vowel and finish with Simon Cowell busting Ryan Seacrest's balls harder than he does the crappy singer and repeat for however many contestants there are that evening.

Then the following night, have a full hour dedicated to getting an answer you could get by kicking Seacrest in the throat and yanking that envelope out of his hands, opening it and telling whatever reject who knew they had it coming to get lost.

Brian Dunkleman: Career Missing since Season 1 of Idol ended

But the weird thing is, people loved this crap. I can sort of understand it since they got to decide who would be the winner in the end (Yet not decide to buy their albums) but the fact that the audience put up with these one hour shows just to find out who was going home that week. Aside from the last ten minutes, who in their right mind would watch that? But then again, there are worse things you could watch in an hour...

The Hills: Helping the pro-choice movement since 2006

Things were going downhill on the show, you could tell, but it got to the point where Paula Abdul was getting so drunk she thought that people were singing their second song even though they were the first singer to start the show off. She would pass it off as exhaustion, stress, alcohol poisoning, heavy workload, un-prescribed medications but whatever it was, you could tell the executives behind the scenes were sweating whenever the camera caught her throwing up in her Coke (the soda) cup.

Then last season they decided they would add another judge to slowly ease Paula out of the picture and they brought in songwriter Kara DioGuardi.
Who?
Regardless, her opinion meant dick but it was nice to have at least one female judge who knew what state she was in when addressing the contestants.

"Hi. My name is Kara DioGuardi and even I haven't heard of me.
Could someone Google me?"

And in that last season you had one contestant who stood out the most. Whether you voted for him or not, you couldn't really ignore the intensity he brought onto the stage and injected into every song he belted out. Adam Lambert was most likely going to win the show last year but it seemed that a lot of people were put off by his possible homosexuality.

Gasp! A homosexual in the music industry! Surely the world of the 21st century is not ready for such radical change. So instead they gave it to some guy named Kris Allen who probably thought he was the luckiest heterosexual on the planet when he won.

Season 8 winner Kris Allen. Missing since season finale. Foul play by gay mafia suspected

Meanwhile, in between seasons, Paula Abdul decided that now would be a good time to walk away from the show (Could she walk away in a straight line?) and leave people scrambling to find out who would replace Paula. There was speculation that it could be Britney Spears but that was just a recipe for disaster that only a network like Fox could only dream of. But after months of speculation it was decided that the newest judge would be long time producer and multiple Grammy award winning DJ Ellen Degeneres.

Wait-what?

OK, Simon Cowell, I can understand having because he's a record producer and has been doing this for a long time.
Randy Jackson, I also understand having because he's worked with people like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston as well as being the brother Michael never talked about.
I did what Kara asked and found out that she is a songwriter. OK, that makes sense I guess but what in the name of all things German does Ellen bring to the table? She's a big fan of the show and...she dances on her show. That's it.
Did they ever get a callback from Britney Spears?

"Seriously, what the hell am I doing here?"

So by this point you could tell that the show was just going downhill. The familiarity of the judges was gone, most of the contestants were people with rice-cake personalities (Bland, white, no flavour) and to put the final nail in the coffin, Simon Cowell declared that this season would be his last.

Most people don't watch American Idol for the singers, they watch it because they want to see Simon destroy someone's life with just one clever quip that couldn't be pulled off by anyone who didn't have a British accent. And as a final act worthy of a Picard facepalm, the audience once again picked some boring white guy with little to no personality to win. Gee, cause everyone was just crazy for Taylor Hicks in 2005.

With Cowell now departing, Jackson is the only remaining original judge and if he's smart, he'll walk away before Fox gets the same idea I just had and decide to make Kevin Federline the replacement for Simon. Cowell himself said he was getting bored with the whole thing and can you blame him?

So to wrap it up, American Idol once was perhaps the most important TV show in North America. Now it's probably going to reach the importance levels of Dancing With the Stars. And don't get me started on that piece of crap. Whoever watches that needs to have the stupid slapped out of them.

More Kitchen Nightmares

I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I'm trying to remember everything I ate/sampled/tasted yesterday but nothing is coming up as something that would make me sick. After waking up much earlier than usual, I went back to sleep and my fever induced brain decided to produce another Hell's Kitchen nightmare for me. Though this time, Gordon Ramsay actually made an appearance...and cursed me out.

"Stop having nightmares about me; I've never met you, you DONKEY!"

I'm guessing that this must have been the first episode of the new season because based on the job I did in my dream, it would be a miracle if I made it to three episodes. First off, the kitchen looked nothing like it did on TV. In fact, it looked more like the dining room considering all the other chefs were sitting at tables and in booths.

So anyway, the maitre'd, Jean Philippe, came to the pass and dropped off the order. Either I had already pissed off Ramsay or this was a test but he demanded that I read out the first order. I was a bit nervous about the whole thing and to make matters worse, I couldn't read what was on the ticket. I once heard that it is impossible to read in a dream but I've been able make out words clearly before. However, tonight wasn't the case.

After getting impatient over my sudden case of illiteracy, Ramsay snatched the ticket out of my hand and snarled that he would read it himself. However while I was ready to listen, the rest of the kitchen was just sitting in thier booths and at the tables, chattering away while I was trying to get them to be quiet.

Suddenly Ramsay turned towards the dining room. "Ladies and gentlemen," he shouted, "if you'd kindly shut the fuck up for twenty seconds, I would like to get the first order out."
It was the first time I'd seen Ramsay yell at customers for making too much noise but, hey, it's his kitchen; I'll let him yell at whomever he likes.

"Look, I'm very sorry for yelling at you. It happened in a fever
induced dream. Now fuck off."

Normally on Hell's Kitchen, the appetizers consist of stuff like scallops, spaghetti of lobster, Ceasar salad but Ramsay called for "Two pear salads away."
Like most new contestants on the show, I didn't know the menu so the words "pear salad" were making no sense to me. What was also making no sense to me was that my section consisted of a small reception table that you usually see as you walk into a restaurant. I probably should have clued in that this was a dream at this point but my mind was focused on my work.

"Where's the lettuce?" I asked. It seemed that this poorly designed kitchen lacked all the things that makes a kitchen what it is. I was able to find the lettuce and get it into the bowls but then I noticed something was missing. No pears.

Never fear, however, since I quickly found a pear and began to slice it very thinly. Why? I have no idea. Remember, this was a fever induced dream. So anyway, I've got the salads ready and then Chef Ramsay comes over to see if they're up to standar.

Without saying a word he picked up one bowl and threw it against the wall, sending lettuce and pear everywhere. So much for the words 'never fear'. However instead of shouting at me, all of a sudden this other fat chef is getting a verbal beatdown from Ramsay. It was at this point that I started to realize, "Hey, something's aren't making sense here" and decided to bolt.

Switch It Off!

I keep missing episodes of Kitchen Nightmares and I can't find any of them on Youtube or any other video streaming website so lately I've just been catching anything Ramsay I can get my hands on.

Couple nights ago I had a dream that I was actually on Hell's Kitchen as a contestant. Don't know why the producers decided to put me on considering the most experience I have in the kitchen was a brief stint as a dishwasher and cooking for myself. Those are the contestants I hate to see on the show. When you're 40, never worked in a professional kitchen but think that playing Mr. Mom (No man with any self-respect should call themself that) qualifies you to be a head chef at a billion dollar casino, then you're about as crazy as some bald eunuch who calls himself a Jedi.

After being eliminated from Hell's Kitchen, contestant Jason Underwood moved to England where he went from sous chef to unemployed Jedi Knight

But it seems that I had made it past the first episode since I was actually doing a challenge (They never do those on the first episode) and the challenge was to cut a whole chicken into eight pieces (Thigh, thigh, wing, wing, drum, drum, breast, breast).

So I went at my chicken and thought I was doing a pretty good job when all of a sudden time was up. Time to present Chef Ramsay with my butchery and see if I'm up to his standard. However as another of my team was up for scrutinizing, something horrible just occurred to me: My chicken has vanished. All the parts that I had cut up were gone. I was looking around for it, wondering if anyone had moved it away. And at this point I'm starting to panic.

Yeah, deep down, I'm sure that Gordon Ramsay is a nice guy who really likes to have a good time but I know that when you're screwing up risotto or under cooking a beef Wellington that he's pretty intimidating. However the dream quickly ended before he could get to me. What's even weirder was that I don't even remember seeing Ramsay to begin with

"A Hell's Kitchen dream without me? GET OUT!!!!"

Star Wars: Episode VII- Attack of the Retarded Fanboys

I don't have a problem too much with fans of Star Wars mainly because I'm one as well. And there are fans even bigger than me (Both in size and loyalty to the franchise) who have read the books that take place after Return of the Jedi and that's fine. I myself tried reading a few of them and just couldn't get into them. All I do know is that for some reason in 1999, they killed Chewbacca. Yeah, one of the most popular characters in the franchise got killed in paperback form.

So, let's get this straight. Fan reaction to Chewbacca is positive so therefore he must die in a story that no one but the die-hard fans will read.

Jar-Jar Binks is perhaps one of the most hated fictional characters ever and yet somehow his disembowelment scene in Revenge of the Sith (A scene which would have redeemed Lucas in the eyes of millions-nay, billions!) was left on the cutting room floor.


Anyway, I'm getting off subject. Back to the fans.

I don't have any problems with the ones who dress up as their favourite character when going to conventions because it is a gathering of fans and that's how they show their love for the franchise.

But one thing I can't stand is when fans go so far as to try and actually meld the Star Wars universe into real life, like this asshat below did.

Just look at those eyes...you don't wanna know what he does with his lightsaber in private

This, ladies and gentlemen, is Chris Jarvis; a self proclaimed Jedi Knight. To make a long story short, let me just post the link to his tale of woe and read how even in the 21st century, Jedi's still aren't treated as real people!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away

Now that you've wiped away your tears let me bring you back to reality which is a place that Chris Jarvis has been out of contact with for some time.


Number One: Just take your fucking hood off. I know it must pain you, Chris, that you started to go bald at around age 24 but just accept this: At age 31 you're as bald as Telly Savalas and you're not going to get hair like Ewan McGregor just because you wear a hood and call yourself a Jedi. Hell, you admit to becoming a Jedi only last year simply because it would enable you to wear a hood. Wear a wig.


Also, the Jedi in the movies spend more time with their hoods OFF than they do wearing them. When they removed their hoods, which is how they are often revealed in the movies, they didn't stop being Jedi. They just stopped being Jedi who wore hoods. In fact, the longest instance I can recall a Jedi wearing their hood in the movies was when Obi-Wan fought Vader for the last time in the first Star Wars movie...and then he died. Maybe Jarvis was just hoping someone would try to kill him and see if his body would mysteriously vanish too...

Using Jarvis' logic, none of these people are Jedi because they don't have hoods on

And if this asshat would actually pay attention to the movies he loves, he would notice that when indoors, Jedi's usually removed their hoods when talking to people because it's the polite thing to do. Look at Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon in The Phantom Menace: They walk into the conference room and take off their hoods.

Why?

Because when you're trying to get somewhere with someone, be it to get them to remove their blockade from a planet or inquire about your disability benefits, it's best to do it with your hood off. How the fuck are they supposed to take you seriously?

Which of these Jedi Knights with an English accent had to be asked to remove their hood?

Number Two: You probably weren't dressed as a Jedi. See, again if you weren't such a fucking asshat, you would probably realize that the Jedi Knights shop at the same outlet mall on Endor and wear practically identical robes. They look like Jedi. The hood comes with the robes. You most likely were wearing some hoodie your girlfriend found at a Bargain Bin that had been vomited on by it's previous owner.

Does anyone else find it gross that Obi-Wan has been wearing the same robes for 40 years?

Number Three: You look extremely disturbing with a hood on. Seriously, I wasn't joking about what you probably do with your lightsaber in private. You don't look like a Jedi with the hood on, take it off, soften the image because at the moment you look like a Sith Lord who just got busted on Tatooine's version of To Catch a Predator.

Believe it or not, Chris Jarvis is a father of three children and currently lives with his girlfriend. How any woman can put up with a retard like this is beyond me. Hey, maybe he used a Jedi mind trick on her to get laid.

And by Jedi mind trick, I mean roofies.

Number Four: You don't live your life like a Jedi. In the article, Jarvis says the following about his religion: "'I am a Star Wars follower. It means following the way of the Jedi."
That's all good and everything but if that's so then why are you suing? You've gotten your apology, now you want to go even further by filing a lawsuit. What you're really after is (aside from a nice payoff) is revenge. Revenge is not a trait of the Jedi, you nerf herder!
Take it from your God, George Lucas: When making the final film of the first trilogy, it was originally titled Revenge of the Jedi, but Lucas strongly suggested they changed it because he felt that revenge was not of the ways of the Jedi.

Hence why the final film in the last trilogy was titled REVENGE of the Sith, you fucking asshat! You were afraid of being persecuted by others after this and this has lead to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering. This is from Episode I, dickhead, so don't act too surprised by this!

And in case you need reminding, the Jedi in the prequel series (Which is where we see the biggest number of them ) suck! Three of them get killed within ten seconds of fighting a wrinkled old man, they don't do anything about the slaves on Tatooine and most of the time they just sit on their ass talking about getting things done but nothing happens. It's like watching the Obama administration in space. Why would you want to be like these people? Oh right, cause you're bald and have a microscopic penis.

"Stupid your lawsuit is."

Number five: STAR WARS IS A MOVIE! I don't care how much you love it. You can love it like a religion but when you start trying to incorporate that fictional world into real life then I'm afraid you need a swift kick in the balls. Seriously, what if Jar-Jarvis went to the grocery store and when he goes to pay for it the cashier says, "I only accept Republic credits"? In fact, I hope that happens. I love Star Wars as much as the next guy but...grow up. You're 31 years old and going around telling people that you're a Jedi. But aside from having Mace Windu's power of not growing hair on the top of your head, what abilities do you have?

So in conclusion, people like Chris Jar-Jarvis are prime examples of why some people hate Star Wars: Fans act like complete retards who have no idea how the real world works. I hope the judge throws his case out and tells him to get a job like the actors who pretended to be Jedi did when they stopped making Star Wars movies.

Jones/Hopkins II: Who They Are and Why Should I Care?

Boxing is not a perfect sport. There are instances of fighters who take forever to get a title shot (Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Frankie Randall), shady promoters (Don King) and scorecards that makes you think wonder if Helen Keller was sitting at ringside as a judge (Lewis/Holyfield I, Williams/Martinez). But one thing just as annoying as any of those is a fighter that doesn't know when to quit.

Helen Keller or a corrupt Las Vegas boxing judge? You decide!

Today I'll be writing about two such fighter: Bernard Hopkins and Roy Jones Jr. Both are two of the best fighters of their era and both have been fighting professionally for over twenty years and both continue to fight despite being over the age of 40.

Both came from different backgrounds. Jones was brought up by a tough, hard knocks father who was grooming his son to be a champion. Stardom seemed evident for Jones when he got screwed by clones of Helen Keller at the 1988 Seoul Olympics after dominating his opponent from start to finish.


Can you spot Helen Keller in this video?

Despite this, Jones went on with his pro career and ended up winning titles at Middleweight, Super-Middleweight, Light-Heavyweight and Heavyweight and was named the best fighter of the 1990's as well. But before all the titles, he came up against a tough contender from Philadelphia named Bernard Hopkins.

Hopkins was also an amateur boxer but was pulled into the street gangs and then thrown into prison where he converted to Islam and got back into training so that upon his release, he could turn professional and become a champion. But after losing his first fight, Hopkins took a year and a half off and then tallied up a 22 win streak which lead to his first title fight against Roy Jones, both of whom were fighting for the vacant middleweight title in 1993.

Since these two men are considered the best of their era, it should come as no shock to you that the fight was boring as all hell. They barely made contact with each other and it almost made you wonder how anyone could say, "Wow, I'd like to see those two have a rematch!"

From there they went separate paths. Jones moved up in weight and began a long dominance in the light-heavyweight division. Hopkins stayed at middleweight where he quickly won title after title until finally reaching super stardom when in late 2001, he knocked out (and destroyed the career of) Felix Trinidad to become the first undisputed middleweight champion since Marvin Hagler. Jones in the mean time had beaten everyone who had come before him and even avenged a DQ loss by a 1 round knockout.

While both were dominant, Jones was the flashier of the two. He had faster hands, better athleticism and the ability to knock you out with his hands behind his back (Seriously, he did that once). He was a major force for HBO Boxing and got so popular (or arrogant) that he wrote a rap song that was simply a love letter to himself about how great he was. Along the way he also kept dropping hints that he was going to move up to heavyweight and fight Evander Holyfield and while this was back in 1997, don't be too surprised if that fight somehow ends up happening next year.

Boxing fans in regards to Roy Jones Jr's constant talk of moving up to heavyweight

So in 2003, Jones vacated his undisputed light-heavyweight title and moved up to face perhaps one of the worst heavyweights in recent memory, John Ruiz for the meaningless WBA title. Never mind that Lennox Lewis was seen as the king of the heavyweights, having beaten every opponent either the first time or in a rematch and had just come off of spanking Mike Tyson. No, instead Jones picked John Ruiz and promptly won a small chunk of the heavyweight championship. It was his last moment of greatness.

After unsuccessful attempts to lure Holyfield or Tyson into the ring with him (But not Lewis), Jones moved back down to light-heavyweight where he fought Antonio Tarver. Jones seemed sluggish in the fight and perhaps losing all that muscle he put on for the Ruiz fight affected him. Many thought that Jones didn't deserve the decision over Tarver so they had a rematch. Jones was knocked out in the second round.

Deciding that a tuneup was in order, Jones decided to fight recent journeyman turned IBF light-heavyweight champion, Glen Johnson who sported a record of 40-9-2. This time Jones was knocked out in the ninth round. He then lost a decision to Tarver. After winning some meaningless fights that no one watched, Jones came back against another faded star, Felix Trinidad.

Believe it or not, Trinidad was actually more shot than Jones despite being knocked out only once in his career and getting out jabbed in his previous fight. And while it was entertaining, it gave a lot of fans the impression that the old Roy Jones was back and going to rule the light-heavyweight division. Then came his fight against undefeated champ Joe Calzaghe.

Do I really need to explain that Jones lost the Calzaghe fight?

Once again back to fighting nobodies in nowhere, Jones was given a chance to reclaim the spotlight by fighting old rival Bernard Hopkins who had just come off his best victory against Kelly Pavlik. Knowing that Hopkins was still dangerous despite being older, Jones decided he would go to Australia and have a tuneup fight against Danny Green. It was perhaps the worst decision of his career because he was knocked out in one round as well as his plans of a rematch with Hopkins.

Speaking of Bernard, as I mentioned he stayed at middleweight and became the undisputed champion and reached superstar status the same year Jones lost his when in 2004, he knocked out the biggest name in the sport, Oscar de la Hoya. However the following year he lost his titles and a rematch to Jermain Taylor. With talk of retirement in the air, Hopkins decided to move up in weight and challnege Antonio Tarver for the light-heavyweight title and promptly beat the shit out of Tarver.

Deciding that he was still good in his 40's as he was in his 30's, Hopkins fought Winky Wright and beat him and then came up against Joe Calzaghe who had moved up from super-middleweight. Now when I first saw them fight, I was excited, especially when Hopkins dropped him in the first round. But from there it was the following: *Punch; clinch; punch; clinch*

Normally fighters hug each other AFTER the fight, not during...

It really annoyed me because that was the first time my dad had sat down and watched an actual fight with me from start to finish in an attempt to find out why I was so in love with the sport. And while this did leave a sour taste in his mouth, highlights of Pacquiao/Marquez II quickly erased any bad memories he had.

Hopkins lost, a decision I agreed with but lately I've been thinking of going back and scoring it again. Anyway, at that point I though Hopkins was shot and was annoyed that he was going to be fighting middleweight champion Kelly Pavlik at a catchweight of 170 pounds. My prediction was that Hopkins was going to be too slow and by the 6th round, the hard hitting Pavlik would have Hopkins down and out.

Well it turns out that just the opposite happened and Pavlik was given a 12 round, one sided beating of a lifetime and in one bout Hopkins erased the doubt that might have been raised in the fights with Taylor and Calzaghe. And at the point, after this great victory, I thought Hopkins should have retired.

But no. He's still got a hardon for fighting Roy Jones and beating the shit out of him. And even though Jones lost his tuneup fight while Hopkins won his, this fight is still happening? Why? What will it prove? The fight should have happened nine years ago when they were still good at what they did.

If anything, this makes Hopkins look kind of petty. He still wants to fight a guy who has lost five of his last ten fights, four of those losses coming by knockout. Hopkins can't really win in this fight anyway. By that I mean, he can't do anything to Jones that can't be done before.

He can't frustrate Jones to where he'll make an illegal move and be disqualified, Griffin did that.
He can't knock him out in the first 3 rounds, Tarver did that. He also beat him over 12 rounds.
He can't dominate Jones when he was expected to lose and knock him out. Johnson did that.
He won't pick himself up off the canvas to come back and spank Jones silly. Calzaghe did that.
I bet that Hopkins was hoping to knock Roy out in the first round and really shock everyone but then Danny Green had to go and fuck that up for him. So you understand, whatever Hopkins does to Roy Jones, it's already been done. But I don't think he'll knock him out. He couldn't knock out Pavlik or What's His Face in his last tuneup.

So will I watch this fight? Still not sure but if I do I'm not going to throw out fifty bucks like the promoters are expecting us to. I'll find some illegal streaming site and watch it for free. How else do you think I watched Pavlik/Hopkins?

It's a meaningless fight that HBO PPV is going to force down our throats to make us think like it's the Rumble in the Jungle while at the same time, fighters who are younger, hungrier and more deserving of a big fight are pushed into the side while two old men fight to see who, at the end of the day, can say has a bigger cock.