Made It So

After missing it last year, I've just spent the better part of a day at the Calgary Expo where I was very fortunate to get the autographs of Johnathon Frakes (Commander Riker) and Maurice Lamarche, who is a really awesome guy. Have a lot of pictures and I'll be uploading Maurice's message to my father (Done in The Brain's voice, no less) as soon as I get a chance but right now, kinda tired. Up for more than 24 hours and on my feet for almost the same amount of time. I've earned a little break

It's That Time Again...Who Will Be Next?

I've been back for over two weeks from a very nice vacation where I visited family, reconnected with old friends, got drunk with said friends (PS: Those of you near Papa Cheney's in downtown Windsor should really try the deep fried cheesecake. It's great when you're drunk) and perhaps most importantly, watched Aaron and Katelynn finally tie the knot. I had a great time, put on some weight and came back looking refreshed. Everyone kept telling me how much better I looked. If life were a commercial, this would be the part where a narrator tells everyone that I asked my doctor about Viagra.

However enough about that, this is about me. That's right, the time of untimely death (My birthday) is approaching once again. While no one has perished early like Gary Coleman last year, I've done some looking and found that a lot of famous people have died on my birthday. Holy crap, is June 25th just some date where the Grim Reaper goes on a free for all and touches as many people as he can? Well, we'll find out as we go through the list again.

What dark powers lay dormant in this innocent child?

1) Pope Cornelius (253)-Yeah, we're starting this back over fifteen hundred years ago. I had no idea my powers extended this far, but let's take a look at this man named after an ape. Well, it's a lot of boring history here and that's coming from someone who is a big history buff. But it seems that Cornelius was elected during a time where Christians were being persecuted and this really pissed off his buddy, Novatian.
There's probably a lot more interesting stuff that happened but let me tell you that Cornelius was exiled and later died. Moving on. This is not the Cornelius I was talking about!

2) Hatano Hideharu (1579)-Oh this is more like it. We've gone from boring old monkey popes to kick-ass Japanese warlords/samurais! He was pretty stubborn and apparently after offending another warlord and decided to surrender with dignity...only after the offended warlord offered to use his own mother as Hatano's hostage.
Hatano went and apologized and was promptly executed. After that the Hatano clan vanished and was never heard from again. "Oh hai."

3) George Armstrong Custer (1876)-OK, now we're getting into the big leagues. We've gone from boring popes, to samurai who try to pull of wearing purple to one of the most infamous soldiers in history. Believe it or not, he actually graduated last in his class at West Point but that doesn't mean...who am I kidding? It does kinda foreshadow his disastrous Battle of Little Bighorn, more commonly referred to as Custer's last stand. According to Wikipedia, he was heard shouting, "Hurrah boys, we've got them! We'll finish them up and then head back home to our station."

A few minutes later, he was killed along with two of his brothers as well as his brother-in-law. Sucked to be a Custer that day.

"Hey, we were winning! I just got caught with a lucky shot."

I'm not very good with predictions but if I had to make a guess at who would die on my birthday this year, it would be Zsa Zsa Gabor. She's been knocking on death's door for a while and given the way her husband acts, this is exactly the opportunity to launch a new reality show called, Prince Asshat is Really Old and Single.

I have a lot of different thoughts about turning 25. That's a quarter of a century. That's the same amount of time that passed from the first episode of the original Star Trek to their final movie together. I'll be closer to fifty than zero. But I'm not exactly the kind of person who will be crying in front of a birthday cake, wailing about bullshit because I've got good health, six-pack abs, a good amount of money saved up and for the most part, my youth. You're only as old as you feel.

Tracy Morgan Was Never Funny to Begin With

Last night, I was at Denny's where a friend of mine works as a waiter. He went out for a smoke break and came back into the restaurant looking at his iPhone.

"Hey, you know Tracy Morgan from 30 Rock?"

I don't watch 30 Rock because I don't think it's funny but I know of Morgan's work from SNL where most of his characters did the same thing every god damn time.

"Apparently he went on some big anti-gay rant at a comedy club and said he would stab his son if he was gay."

"Oh nice," I said.

"Yeah, he's already apologized for it but..."

"But something tell me you won't see Reverend Sharpton or Jesse Jackson getting on his case."

My waiter friend is gay but most people either don't know or don't care, however one thing we both don't like are bigots. When I got home this morning I saw that the news was all over the Internet, mostly because he had apologized for the rant, but that was only because someone posted a note about it on their Facebook page.

While I would like to make a post using Morgan's words as another example of how Hollywood isn't really tolerant of gay people and views them more like pets, I've decided not to and focus more on Morgan's so called "comedy" act. Personally, while I sympathize with the guy who wrote the Facebook note, he shouldn't be surprised that he went to see Tracy Morgan do stand up and didn't find the act funny. Seriously, before writing this blog, I watched about more than a half hour of Morgan's stand up routines on YouTube and didn't laugh once. Not once.

Maybe my lip twitched at one point, but I think I was being a bit generous with that reaction. Tracy Morgan's whole act is to mumble/slur through his lines like some retarded mush-mouth extra from Roots who thinks he's a comedy genius because he uses the word 'mofokin' every five words or so.

Right now he's getting defense from people like Tina Fey and Chris Rock but comedian Wanda Sykes, who is a lesbian, is pretty upset about it. I'm not going to say that a comedian can't say stuff that pushes the envelope but at the same time...shouldn't it contain some comedy? Personally, I don't see something funny in a father admitting that he would stab his son to death if he was gay. I'm also not going to get on an imaginary high horse and pretend like me or my friends have never made fun of gay people but everything we said was never hateful or calling for death. Hell, all it consists of is implying that we might be attracted to one another. It's all in good fun...I hope anyway.

Look, I know he's apologized, but he did it almost a week after the incident and chances are that he wouldn't have if word didn't get out about it. He's going to get a lot of flack from gay people about it and chances are that this will drive 30 Rock's ratings even lower (To the point where they'd be a show on The WB network) and he'll eventually have to do one of those stupid "It Gets Better" commercials.

I'd continue on but I think I gave this unfunny assclown enough attention, so I'll leave you with a tweet from former Star Trek actor George Takei.

Tracy Morgan, you will always be George Takei's bitch

How To Make Boring Flights Fun

I like flying. I don't do it a lot but if I'm going home for a vacation, it's the only way to travel. However, one thing bugged me about today's flight: No television. It seems that a wire got loose or something, I have no clue, and that shut off the TVs all throughout the plane.

That sucked for me because I had my headphones, ready to watch anything that might hold my attention and also because I had bought the latest issue of The Ring magazine but had accidentally put that with my luggage which was being loaded onto the plane. So while I was flying, I thought of ways to make airline travel much more interesting when you. Most of these are Star Trek related, so try not to complain too much when reading.

1) Re-enact the plane scene from "Commando"-One of my dad's favourite comedies, and one of my favourite Schwarzenegger films, Commando has a good scene where Arnold is on a plane with one of his daughter's kidnappers. In an attempt to escape before takeoff, Arnold requests a blanket and a pillow, then quietly knocks the guy out and breaks his neck, then using the blanket and pillow to cover up the deed.

Getting off before takeoff is going to take a lot of ingenuity but since this is Arnold, he gets it done no problem. He approaches the back and a dumb stewardess stops him.

"Sir, you need to remain seated during takeoff!"

Arnold just looks at her and simply says, "I'm airsick."

Re-enact that. Granted it will probably get the flight delayed because they think you're going to try and ignite an explosive in the bathroom but...actually there are no real upsides to doing this."Ja, wait till you see what I read on dees blog."

2) Pretend you're going into warp speed-Yeah, yeah, big Star Trek nerd but this quick little time killer can have you pretending you're commanding your pilot to activate the warp engines as Captain Picard demonstrates here. This might freak a lot of people out and most likely get you kicked off the plane so again, use at your own discretion. "Make it so, Schweitzer-Man."

3) Have Fun With Turbulence-Turbulence can be fun if you pretend that life is like a video game and if you die you can just start where you left off at. However for those who know better, turbulence can be kinda scary. There are options to make turbulence a bit more fun.

Be a Hero: Wear a Superman shirt. But wear it underneath a light jacket or shirt. That way when it starts shaking, you can stand up (Try not to stumble or you'll look like a pansy), rip open your shirt/jacket and say, "Don't worry, I'll take care of this" and move towards the back like you're going to save the plane. I wore a Superman shirt on my plane ride and when it got really shaky a woman two seats over (There was a free seat in between us) grabbed onto my arm. Does anyone else agree that Superboy from "Young Justice" looks a LOT like me?

Be Like Picard...or Kirk: Yep, going back to Star Trek again, this time, instead of shouting to go to warp, just pretend you're sitting in the captain's chair, press one of the buttons and say something standard like, "Engineering, transfer auxiliary power to impulse engines! We've less than ten minutes before this sun goes super-nova."
Again, don't shout but say it loudly enough so that the people in the same row as you can look over and have a WTF look on their face.

Or if you really wanna have fun with it, ham up your delivery like every Shatner impersonator and do your best Captain Kirk impression.

"Mr. Scott, you've...got to TRANSFER auxiliary power to the impulse engines if we...planonescaping! The lives of millions...hanginthebalance!!!"

"We're Under Attack!": Again, going back to Star Trek, during the original series, the budget wasn't as high and special effects weren't as advanced as they are today. That and the acting wasn't always the best. Usually when the starship Enterprise got hit by enemy fire, you'd see some crew members falling one way while others fell another. If you don't believe me, just watch the last five seconds of this clip. So when the plane shakes a little bit, just over exaggerate your movements. That or try to time it perfectly so you fall into some hot chick's lap. Happy landings indeed.

Klingons are responsible for turbulence aboard most starships

Dude, Where's My Apocalypse?

While I probably should have addressed this in my last post, I must say, I'm a bit confused to find myself here since last Saturday was supposed to be the end of the world. Now while that may sound like a normal line of dialogue if this were Buffy the Vampire Slayer, last Saturday was supposed to be the end all of end alls...but nothing happened.

Now Harold Camping, the preacher behind these doom and gloom theories has come out and said that actually May 21 was a "spiritual Judgment Day" and that the Rapture will actually happen on October 21 of this year. Now isn't that a cop-out. He's telling us that God is supposed to end the world on a certain day and now it turns out that said day was just the day that God is making His "Naughty or Nice" list.

If you want my theory on why the world didn't end, here it is:

On May 20, the day before said Apocalypse was supposed to take place, former wrestling superstar "Macho Man" Randy Savage died after injuries sustained in a car accident. Since God is a huge wrestling fan (He's ordered every Wrestlemania PPV), like a lot of people, He was pretty bummed out about it. And why not? Everyone watched wrestling at some point in their lives and even if you didn't, you knew the Macho Man when you saw him.

Seeing how people were clearly bummed about this, God decided that we as a people had suffered enough and decided to cancel the whole end of the world.

At least that's my theory.

"OOOOH YEAH!!!"

Retire Ronald? Kiss My Ass

I was thankful enough to grow up with a mom who knew how to cook really well and there were times when my dad could even surprise us with his culinary talents. However, one thing that was always a great treat when me and my sisters were kids was Burger King or McDonalds.

Of course I've wised up over the years and now only eat at Burger King which is the polar opposite of M'Lord, who only eats at McDonalds and despises Burger King. However, if there's one thing I think about when I hear the name "McDonalds" (Other than "Why does this Big Mac look so small?") is their mascot, Ronald McDonald.

OK, this does look a little creepy

The dude was in every commercial you saw, showing off the same Happy Meal package-burger, fries and soft drink-and the special toy for the week you got when you bought a Happy Meal. Hell, sometimes the commercials usually had these weird story lines that would go one for four months. I tried to find clips from YouTube but was unsuccessful. And yeah, again, I remember story lines from a fast food chain's commercials better than I remember high school math. Memory can be a bitch like that sometimes.

What's also a bitch is when morons try to put the blame on someone else for their own problems. Especially if that someone happens to be Ronald McDonald. I can understand people being concerned about the health of young children with the rates of childhood obesity going up, but comparing McDonalds to the tobacco and alcohol industry? Excuse me, while I might joke about there being rat poison in McDonalds hamburgers, I can say that I know that's true unlike cigarettes.

I hope they didn't pay that artist a lot of money

Look, when I was a little kid, the reason I liked McDonalds and Burger King wasn't because they had a clown or some stupid Kids Club were offering it like the junkie who hangs around the local 7-Eleven. I wanted it because it tasted good and it wasn't something we got all the time, you idiots!

What a lot of people seem to forget, especially parents, is that parents can say "No" to their children if they ask for Burger King or McDonalds. I know my parents did loads of times no matter how much us kids begged. You're the parent. Be blunt. Tell them to stop crying or you'll really give them something to cry about. Send them to bed until they stop crying and you'll only give them what you cook them if they stop crying.

Or be more blunt. Just say, "No, you can't have Burger King this week, you lazy, man booby fat ass because you weigh as much as a horse!" And while this may not be the best way to talk to a seven year old, some of these parents should know that constantly feeding their children fast food because they're too retarded to cook something on their own, isn't the best thing for your man-booby fat ass kid.

Yeah, this is clearly the work of evil mastermind, Ronald McDonald.

And I'm not saying getting fast food or take out on a weekly basis is a bad thing. Every week I go down to Burger King, get either a Whopper or Double Whopper, no onions, some bacon, large fries, large chocolate shake. Mmm, mmm, that's good eatin'. And when I was living at home every Friday was pizza night. But the thing is, I exercise quite a bit and can afford to put on weight considering fat ass in the picture above probably weighs twice as much as me.

Look, I can understand people wanting to McDonalds to offer healthier alternatives but at the same time, parents should at least be aware of what their children are putting in their mouths (Sounds kinda gross). And if you're kid is starting to look a little plump or ready to have a heart attack at the age of 11, get them exercising. That and learn to say no to them. You're the parent for Christ sake, you should know that you have control.

Plus, if you're going to jump on this bandwagon of Retire Ronald, just stop. Have you heard of Ronald McDonald Houses? What the hell are we supposed to call them if you retire Ronald? Besides, he's an advertisement tool, he's meant to draw people in. It's kinda the reason why more people prefer Frosted Flakes over Grape Nuts.
That and the fact the name of Grape Nuts is a lie where Frosted Flakes is exactly what you get.

How bout you try to meet a common ground with McDonalds? Ask them to make a character who is in good shape, promotes healthy eating habit and warns about the dangerous consequences of not, and can appeal to adults too.

"Why so obese?"

Goodbye

Well, I had hoped that I would be doing this blog for a few more years but it seems like that isn't in my future...or anyone's since the world is going to end tomorrow.

So yeah, here I am, pissing away the last couple of hours instead of just getting piss drunk like the rest of the world probably is. Instead, let me give you a quick list of things that I hoped to have gotten done if it weren't for this coming doom.

1) Interview Gordon Ramsay-The dude is just so interesting and whether he gives an interviews that's straight up for laughs where he calls everyone a donkey and calls their bad cooking shit or being very serious talking about his rough upbringing and surviving the toughest kitchens in Paris you know that it's an interview where you'll be hooked on every word.

2) Finish My Top 10 Movies List-Yeah, I'm a lazy bastard, no getting away from that. I'd give you a sneak preview, but I think I'll have plenty of time to finish it when I'm in Hel-I mean...Heaven. Yes...Heaven. However I'll let you know that I've recently added The French Connection to the list.

3) Write a Good Episode of Glee-Take the time to laugh but hear me out. There would be musical numbers, but they'd all be incomplete due to somebody interrupting them. That way, no one would hear the finish product and be in a bigger hurry to buy the songs when they're released on iTunes. I have no idea what in the hell the plot would be but I think I'd call the episode, "The Sound of Music". I like irony.

4) See a big fight in Vegas-Aaron and I mentioned going back to Vegas one day and hopefully catching a big fight. Now whether it be boxing or UFC, it wouldn't really matter to me.

5) Get something published-I've got story ideas stored away all over the place. Some of them might have made a good book. Maybe even good enough to get sales into the triple digits

Well, I could go on for days but since we have less than one left, thanks for reading. See you...out there.

Does This Suit Me?

Aaron and Katelynn's wedding is in less than three weeks. And while I spent an entire afternoon last weekend getting them wedding presents, this weekend I spent an entire day looking for clothes.

I'm not a fashionable guy. When I say that, I don't mean that I wear plaid on a daily basis and I know that if I'm going out to a nice restaurant that I probably shouldn't wear torn jeans and a shirt that has some retarded slogan on it. At the same time if you want me to pick out a suit, then you might want to put on a pot of coffee, get out your copy of Atlas Shrugged, because this going to take a while.

It's not that I'm stubborn or anything like that, it's just that choosing is hard for me sometimes. I want to look nice but I don't want to look like I'm late for the royal wedding. I want to be casual but not in a "I got this at Bargain Bin" way. I want a nice colour but I also don't want people blinded by my shirt.

Does anyone know where Spike gets his suits at?

Thankfully that problem has been solved. While I originally got frustrated and decided to take my revenge on the fashion world by dressing like Rod Roddy for the wedding, I came upon a tailor shop in the mall and within twenty minutes left with a nice blue shirt, tie and black pants.

I kept asking myself why such time had to be wasted on clothes that I would wear only once and would most likely never get the smell of booze off of.

"It's tradition," my father explained, sounding a lot like Tevye.

Right now, I'm just glad this is done and am looking forward to my vacation, the wedding, the food, the (hopefully) open bar.

It Never Rains...

When people talk about "Hell freezing over", they're mostly talking about a typical day in Calgary. It usually means lots of snow, lots of grumpy people and a severe lack of natural sunlight which makes my albino-esque complexion stand out so much that they're begging me to by a tanning session at the gym. I'm not kidding about the last part.

But one thing that I really miss about Ontario weather is a good thunderstorm. Right now my parents have been getting their fair share of showers lately but I must say, I just miss the roar of thunder, running between raindrops as I tried to get between car and house and especially the lightning. It reminded me a lot of the Emperor from Return of the Jedi.

I remember working at a tiny gas station one sunny Sunday afternoon in Maidstone. These three dudes on motorcycles came in, filled up their bikes and then I noticed that they were just standing at the fuel island, looking out towards the horizon (Which I couldn't see from my position) and talking amongst themselves. I decided to see what was going on and stepped outside and looked down the highway that lead to Windsor.

You could see this enormous black cloud floating above everything and slowly inching itself closer and closer towards us. I spoke with the bikers and they were headed into Windsor but weren't sure of what they should do now. I remember them riding off into the darkness but when I left the rain was just wild. For some strange reason, I enjoy driving in the rain even if everyone else on the road is acting like they're skirting around a minefield.

God dammit, Mother Nature, can we get a thunderstorm...preferrably when I don't have to be anywhere?

Yes, something like this will do just fine

Who Called It?

Back a few weeks ago, you might recall my opinions on Donald Trump trying to be the first orange man elected President (Seriously, dude, lay off the spray-tan. You're not Lindsay Lohan) and how he would later announce his candidacy on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice.

Well it turns out that this won't be the case because...the finale's already been filmed and even NBC has come clean about it. Yep, like I said before, this was a publicity stunt to bolster ratings for his reality show that no one really cares about anymore in an attempt for him to say, "The Apprentice is the number one show on television!" and drag that line out for at least a year.

"Curses, foiled again!!!"


I did imagine upon hearing this news that the Donald is going to comment that NBC is somehow mistaken about the progress of a TV show that airs on their own network and he will make an announcement but even his own spokesman basically said, "Yeah, my boss is full of shit."

Wow, not even into the campaign and you've already stepped in it Donald. Look, I can imagine this has been a rough month for you, what with Obama releasing his birth certificate and while you still tried to grill his ass about it, he was busy getting ready to kill Osama bin Laden. Now you could have gotten on him about taking sixteen hours to make up his mind but you blew it. Now it's back to The Apprentice and hoping that people will give a shit about anything you do.

How Trump envisioned the Obama administration to view his non-announcement on Celebrity Apprentice

What I Love About Boxing #1

Referee Kenny Bayless. The fight can be a massive disapointment (Like Pacquiao/Mosley last night) but at least you know that man is going to put every ounce of energy he has into a count.

Keep up the fine work, Kenny. You're in an inspiration to referees everywhere